/lit/ - Literature

I was stationed at a convention for agriculture, representing a company called Pure Bison which sold fertilizer for more than three times the normal price. According to the good people at Pure Bison, this price was justified because their product did not come from ordinary cattle, but only the noblest beasts of the field. Knowing this did not make the smell any easier to bear.
Now I had become used to peddling all kinds of shit, but until now it had never been literal, actual shit. Just useless shit, like lottery tickets or insurance policies where the insurer would do just about anything short of breaking the Geneva Convention to avoid paying out.
The lady at the flower stand downwind from me gave me the stink eye. I didn’t blame her, who would buy her daisies if all they could smell was cow dung?
My target audience today would not be the experienced farmers that were scouting the market. Even though they would be the ones buying things like fertilizer in bulk. I’d already seen a clever hick or two chuckle upon seeing my stand. These people knew the difference between crap and garbage.
I wanted to try to appeal to the organic crowd. City boys with mustaches and fixed-gear bicycles. Tattooed broads who refused to shave their armpits and whose vegan diets were evidently no match for type two diabetes. The kind of people who are willing to pay extra for anything that has the words ‘locally sourced’ on the packaging without giving a single thought to the fact that everything is produced locally somewhere. These people, most people really, have no idea how to determine the quality of something. All they care for is presentation. Any product is worthless without a salesman, or at times a colorful animal mascot, to present it.

>>15793377
>until now
This is a minor pet peeve, but "now" shouldn't be used in past-tense narration. The past of "now" is "then."
>I didn’t blame her, who would buy
I didn’t blame her; who would buy
>My target audience today
My target audience that day
>would not be
You said "I didn't blame her" before. Are you using contractions or not?
>scouting the market. Even though
scouting the market, even though
>These people knew the difference between crap and garbage.
Personal preference, but consider "these people knew their crap from their garbage."
>The kind of people who are
The kind of people who were
>for anything that has
for anything that had
>everything is
everything was
>These people
Those people
>people, most people really,
people--most people, really--
>have no idea how
had no idea how
>All they care for is
All they cared for was
>Any product is
Any product was
>or at times a
or, at times, a

>>15792858

Jan Gerson never did a day of paid labor in his life. He felt this compulsive need, which some had rightfully called sickening, to work for free.
One day, during his shift as a volunteer for the fire department, Jan Gerson, or Jan-G as his friends called him, saved a woman's life.
Jan revelled in the fact that people called him a hero now, and he asked the woman he saved out for a date.
Of course Jan only had little money, so he couldn't take her to a restaurant. Instead they ate at his house. Jan cooked, of course.
The woman, Eleesha Ebinson, made herself very clear to Jan, if he wanted to be with her, they would get married, and Jan would take care of the son she had from a previous relationship. Jan agreed, as was his nature. Eleesha then saw her chance to push this even further, and demanded that Jan take her last name. Jan agreed, as was his nature.

So the day came to pass when Jan and Eleesha were joined in holy matrimony. And from that day on, whenever anyone called him Jan-G, he would correct them and say : 'Actually, it's Jan-E now.'

>>15793484
kek

>>15793484
Based

>>15793474

Hey, some of these are actually good advice. Thanks /lit/

>>15793569
You're welcome Remy ;)

>>15793577

Lol I've been exposed

>>15793484
A genuinely funny read. Good job anon. This has already been posted on a /crit/ thread but it didn’t get any critiques on it, so I’m posting it again.

This comes from a fan fiction that I’m currently working on, and is a complete rewrite of the story of the avatar after Aang. The only similarities that the legend of Korra has with this new story is that the avatars name is Korra and she’s from the southern tribe. It’s going to be an epic poem about her journey from a brutish, stubborn girl into a competent and selfless avatar, with lots of Confucian and Taoist philosophy to go along with it. To provide a bit of context, the king of Ba Sing Se has declared himself as a sort of emissary of the spirit world, similar to the pope. The earth kingdom has expanded greatly under his rule, and does so “in the will of the spirits”. Korra has liberated many of the villages that the king had attempted to rule over, and as a result received a letter from the king asking for Korras submission and support. This is her reply. Keep in mind this is a first draft that is not formatted to the meter which I have selected, but is rather what I want to communicate to the reader. I hope you enjoy.

I, under guidance from those who came before me, Korra, of the great southern kingdom, give thusly these words and commands. This is a version to be read to the king of ba sing se, that he may know and give credence to, in the earth tongue, what has been written. After seeking council with your lords and officers, you have found it fitting to write a petition asking for my submission and subordination, which has been sent from your emissaries. It has been heard. Should he return with his own report, thou, who art the great king, together with all of the lords, come in person and surrender your false title. At that time, I shall make known your wickedness, and declare thee a false prophet. In the words of your emissary, it has been written that thou hast offered prayer and supplication, that I might find a good entry into spiritual purity. This prayer of thine, I have not understood. From other words which thou hast sent me, “I am surprised that you have laid waste my men at the Ungzin and Fuecang provinces, tell us to what fault you had with them.” These words of thine, I have also not understood. I, acting as the great ambassador, have slain and annihilated these wicked men, for they have neither adhered to me nor to the spirits, both of whom have been sent to make known the balance of the world, nor to the people they claimed subject over. Like thy words, they also were impudent. They WERE proud, and they slew our messenger emissaries. How could anyone seize or kill these men contrary to the balance of the world?

>>15793623
2/2

Though thou likewise sayest that I should tremble beneath you and worship your prophecies. You say “I am the emissary of the spirits, I pray to them and arraign others in accordance to their will”. How knowest thou what is pleasing to the unformed, and how dost thou know that thy words are with their sanction? As the sun rises and goes over the world, all of the lands have been liberated under my command. How can one do this contrary to the spirit’s will? Now you should say, within your crooked walls, “I shall come off this liar’s throne and become humble under your will”. Thou, thyself at the head of all of the monarchs who hold titles in the earth kingdom, shall come at once to surrender and wait upon us. At that time, I shall recognize your submission. If you do not observe the spirit’s command and if you ignore my command, I shall know you as my enemy. In such wise, I shall make you understand. If you do otherwise, the spirits know what I know...

>>15793623
I won't ridicule you like the rest. Your writing itself isn't bad. But shouldn't you learn something from the way people are reacting to your work? What you were told in your thread was true: this is too highbrow for fanfiction readers and Avatar fans, yet too lowbrow for epic poetry readers. Who is the target audience for this?

>>15793654
The target audience is people who were disappointed with the legend of Korra, as well as people who might enjoy themes that tackle concepts such as free will, forced identity, and a lack of self. If I might ask, what about the writing makes it seem lowbrow in comparison to other epic poems? If it’s the use of language, what are places that seem inconsistent? If it’s the pacing of sentences, I do want to remind you that this isn’t going in the final work. Putting the prose to a meter might remove some of the slack. I do thank you for providing some actual criticism, however. There was an anon who said my work was “not up to standards” and when I asked for clarification he just called me a discord tranny.

>>15793679
>The target audience is people who were disappointed with the legend of Korra
But those people aren't epic poem readers.
>If I might ask, what about the writing makes it seem lowbrow in comparison to other epic poems?
That it's about a children's cartoon's franchise. It's not the language. People start laughing by the time they read "Avatar" in your title. Just discard the Avatar association and write your own poem.

>>15793694
>but those aren’t epic poem readers
There’s actually far more than you would think, but for the most part, you’re right. Perhaps I’ll just label it as fan fiction and hope for the best.
>people start laughing by the time they read “Avatar” in your title
That’s their loss. Though I have been considering writing an introduction akin to what you would find when reading the Iliad or the odyssey, which explains a bit of the context of the story and so on. I don’t want to write this poem purely for the sake of others, but rather for putting my mind at ease and making a more satisfying sequel to a great narrative.

>>15791557
poets please critique this
>>15793623
fanfiction isn't necessarily bad but is anathema to writing careers or anyone trying to take your writing seriously. it's like writing about politics, wherein the subject and its complicating factors directly affects the quality and perception of your work. all fanfiction and political commentary have one important thing in common, which is that they can be good in spite of being just that, someone waxing poetic on a topic and injecting persuasive commentary instead of putting that effort in creating a great narrative. postmodern realism can have this problem too. because who the fuck wants to read another story about xanax addiction and nyc trust fund life. in general art should strive to have a timeless quality to it (human condition death of the author etc). i would describe fanfiction as a waste of time entirely on that principle if longevity is anything you desire.

you should write historical fiction, and only write fanfiction of things that aren't directly tied to contemporary culture, kinda like how the cthulhu mythos is where it's acceptable to write it. i i'm pretty sure you already know this, but fanfiction is a very difficult thing to actually get feedback on in any real capacity.

obviously no one can stop you from doing what you want but fanfiction whether deserved or not gets a very bad rap. it will be a very frustrating ordeal entirely, bordering on sisyphean.

>>15793802
I think it’s a little too soon to call a narrative like ‘avatar’ as contemporary. Perhaps in a few hundred years, we are able to make a more educated assumption, but for now it’s far too soon. I would consider ‘avatar’ itself to be as much a fan fiction as other famous works like the Iliad and the odyssey, wherein the three are all based on pre-existing philosophies and mythologies (though I would agree that ‘avatar’ is much more liberal with its source material than the Homeric poems). ‘Inferno’ is also a really good example of fan fiction that is done well and has survived through the ages. Not to say that I am as talented a writer as Dante, but people can get famous off of establish a lasting story based on a pre-existing narrative.

>>15793860
Of establishing a*

>>15793860

Considering you're the avatar expert, do you reckon a bloodbender could give someone else a boner at will?

McDonald’s Day Dream after McCafe and Pensions

Some days I count the French fries
That roll up and down the frier sides
And bounce into the prim white buckets
All nicely organized for just your budget,

All tangled together like free knots
Where they don’t dare bear organic lots
And live fame out for some higher sense
More than the boy in skates counting cents.

Soothing beeps of zero to one hundred and
Twenty seconds till that sandwich’s end,
When it becomes less fake than ever
Just because it no longer freezes over

Like my eyes in the night as I miss the old
People that ‘away one by one, American mold.

>>15794005
I really don’t see why they COULDNT, but it would probably cause a pretty painful erection. I would also wonder if bending the blood within your own body could be seen as a method of meditation. That’s actually a really cool idea. Thanks for getting the train of thought going there, bud!

>>15794352

Part of my burger punk triptych. Here are the other two:

II

McDonald’s Day

It’s McDonalds day and I’m celebrating
By crying alone in the bathroom my
Black shoes I stand in for hours bathing
In the greased tears I see the tile sky

Those panels have flipped upside down
And I cant eat one more free meal
From senior service meals on wheels in town
Where I get due duty from people’s deal

That keeps my old hair working and hot
Under the dim fading heat lamps that
Showcase this mornings travails I jot
Down working still under my black hat

Knowing full well this list is going to be done
We sell all the sandwiches I make for fun.

III

My Shop Class Teacher Was Taught Drafting

I’m out of school early and the hot heat
Plays off mom’s dark green mercury
That sends me roaring to McD’s to eat,
To roll in line while I tap my feet

On the pedals that are covered in dust
From the radio’s gently pulsing reminders,
It’s not here for me now and is long lost,
That new car smell and table for orders

At some place better that I don’t know
The name of and I don’t want to know it
Because I like burgers and shop class shows
Triumph where the bridge holds the weight

Though no more cars cross and the Pontiac
Plant closed, open hands I get my change back.

>>15794352
This theme of American non-exceptionalism and how 'fat' and 'consumerist' they are is kind of boring and you don't really explore it much until the last two lines. It sounds like it's written by the worker so I'm not sure what the pensions have to do with anything. Where is the voice located? It seems disembodied, but particular to someone.

>>15793860
Do you know what contemporary means?

>>15794580
>>15793484
>>15793377
Why do you all write in this cloying, repetitive, faux conversational style? It is so dull and without life, so thoroughly modern. Feels like reading voiceover narration from a movie.

>>15794621
Sorry, I thought it was just one of those /lit/ words that midwits liked to throw around, I haven’t actually looked up it’s definition. Ok, so I looked it up, and I can say that I am 100% retarded. Sorry.

>>15794650
>voiceover narration from a movie
We live in a society anon. Novels are basically obsolete now and we're going to be informed by movies more everyday. Wait til it's streaming or spotify that changes the way we make art.

>>15794650

>faux conversational style

Because I'm telling you the story? Henlo?

Any black bulls with huge ebony cocks inhere? If you like to creampie white women, so I can snowball the cum, contact fourlitreview at yandex dot com

these fellows that you see out there
running like free sprites but trapped inside a cave
they howl at stone sky
get nothing but reflective coils of uncanny familiarities
they keep spinning and spinning
like planets without purpose and will
i see my reflection in you
you see your reflection in me

>>15794656
Your post is the best conversational prose I've seen in days. And the image pairing—magnificent.

>>15795587
I'm alright with this for the most part, aside from the long clunky line that immediately follows the shortest one in the piece. I feel like you should build on the idea discussed in line 4 and break it into two or three shorter lines of increasing syllable count, so you get a kind of building flow leading to the conclusion. Right now it stumbles.

--

I'm still trying to figure out how to end pic related, I'm not that happy with the single-word "maybe" conclusion. I lengthened the overall piece but I can't tell if that makes the abrupt ending better or worse.

>>15795587
S'alright. Doesn't leave me feeling much though, and I think you should definitely work on your rhythm. You've definitely got some good ideas though so keep going yeh.

As for me, I've been feeling even more uninspired than usual and haven't written anything in either verse or prose for about two weeks now, but last night before I went to sleep I wrote out half this paragraph of gobbledegook. It's all just the first things that came into my head, so of course it's not going to be any good, but maybe it will be at least curious for some.

>>15792858
[An extract from short story]

Eleven o'clock. Cheeky but feeble little wind breezed outside, attempting to penetrate a window. Gray, corpulent clouds sprawled, covering the sun. And soon, probably, those cloud will cry downwards its tears: quietly but lingeringly. Despite the reign of the spring, the day was one-coloured. Two individuals were in a room of a certain building: the boy and the girl. The boy was sitting at the old, wooden and scratched desk, whereas the girl was sitting at the new, polished desk.

>>15796008
>those cloud
.

>>15796008
So here’s the thing, it’s a stylistic decision but it’s a very common one from 4chan users and people like us who don’t happen to use 4chan, you try to make this very poetic prose which does more to disengage us than anything else and then you throw out ‘the boy’ and ‘the girl.’ There’s nothing wrong with that latter part on the face of it but the contrast here between supertryhard prose and the simple designations for these characters makes it seem all the more pretentious. As if it’s some kind of timeless fairytale or folktale despite the fact that the rest of it is trying to be like Joyce or something else completely modern. Ah yes, he is simply ‘the boy’...perhaps ‘all boys’...yes very good very good.... I understand it would be even stupider to call him Mike and her Anne with all that scene painting but what does all that scene painting actually do for your writing? It’s pretty hollow. There’s an interesting word here or there but no metaphors that make us think, delight, or see anything in a way we haven’t seen it before. A cloud crying? Almost not even worth saying it’s so obvious. We don’t get that much out of all those words in the literal, except that: it’s spring, there is a breeze, and the sun is covered by clouds. Describing a day as “one-coloured” (I sincerely hope you’re not American and adding that ‘u’ to seem sophisticated) is new. “Single-colored” could also work. Truly the word is monotone but I can respect your trying something different. But why do we have to say “the reign of the Spring” and ruin any chance it had to be admired? Not to mention it can be simplified. “A cheeky but feeble little wind breezed outside”...feeble, little winds are simply called breezes. Might as well have just written “Eleven o’clock brought a breeze at the window.”

>>15793623
>Keep in mind this is a first draft
I really don't need to hear the preamble. Have you ever appreciated a teacher telling you it's their first time teaching? Although I guess I'm saying this as someone who did watch the original avatar, but not korra.

This reads like an email. How often do you want to read one of these things? It's defensive rather than compelling. It's eye tailoring rather than image generating. I get in some sense that it's supposed to be, and it's an excerpt, but if this is supposed to be the character's writing and not immediately your own then why ask for crit on this excerpt specifically? It's not like there's a subtext you, the author, are hiding beneath this thing, or at least that I can see. What is the difference between you telling me korra said this, and korra simply saying so? Generally that would be what separates writing from acting or roleplay, and it's why this looks like low brow genre fic despite the clarity.

>>15796713
Thanks for criticism. So should I simply write in a simple manner like Hemingway?

>>15793484
Nice

It was rush hour. Already dark. I love you, I love you, I love you…
“Please?” You’ve been tugging me by the sideseams of my trousers. You leave dusty imprints on the fabric, as if marking me of being witness to the brave new world. You’ve nudged other people down this line already, with your shaggy band of brothers.
“Boss.” I know, I know; if only I could be a benevolent kidnapper— grab your frail arms and stuff you in a white van at 5 AM, send you to a public school to read and write, have you return to your father’s bloodshot eyes, or your mother and what’s left of the juvenile strands of her hair. Be the humble voice of your gang of beggars. But I know you need the money now… your brothers are waiting to be lavished in change. I know your warface: sunken eyes that somehow glimmered what remains of my heart, brazen fur of a young cub with fragile, plastic claws of soot, a beaten tank top worn like those before you (maybe this was theirs, too). And your nose resembles mines- flat- somehow yours bears no philtrum, and your nostrils were laminated with a film of rubber cement.
I can hear your bristled throat sound, “just for us to eat.”
Not now. The change in my pockets won’t suffice. But you see that rotisserie there, just beside the gate to the mall? I will buy two chickens for you. Just let me earn.

>Not sure if this novel might work. I decided to write a story where all characters are referred to (directly) as "you". The novel's intent is to sort of ground my personal view of mankind's pursuit to be coherent, which is a response to the "absurd" that makes my head itch. Why I want to use "you" is more of my idea on Hegel's theories on consciousness, i.e. that consciousness supposedly relies on the consciousness of the other. The "other" is "you. Correct me if I'm wrong.

>>15797805
No

>>15797805
if you want to be a boring cunt

>>15794761
>>15794784
Predictably lame excuses. Write with some style.

O dear. It appears that you have entered the zone of the imaginative retard - a being so capable of violence that it runs towards the lives of innocent little Indian baby monkeys and claws them to death. You feel sad? Tough luck bucko! You better pull yourself up by your Aldi own brand shoelaces and draw yourself towards violence upon the very nature of your own unnatural vice. Indeed, it is so. I say to you that you must grasp with all your strength the might of the great Stephen O'Neill. It is in him that our hope for the future of autistic retardation and stuff lies.

>>15798683
I would love to read a version of this without the "you" gimmick. Your writing is entertaining, but your reasoning for the "you" thing seems muddled to me. I would try and get a lot of experience writing more normally before I embarked on the kind of experiment you're attempting here.

I've posted part of this story in a previous thread but here's the whole 1500-word thing, any feedback is appreciated: https://pastebin.com/NA0sniVk

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
UP
THE
RA

>>15801049
>rain-rivers
I get enough with curbside rain

>squelched
Slightly cartoony. I thought of boots but that's not what you describe.

>spine
Good word choice, the implication of ribs without direct mention of them being streets is nice.

>waddled
This seems contrary to the image of the character you created (jersey billowing on thick shoulders). I get that the environment is part of why he's walking this way but it didn't come out quite right.

Might be funnier to let Tristan hang on the American Spirit line without explanation until after he gets a reply.

>perfect circle
Was this a direct drug reference? Otherwise seems a little out of left field, but I guess doing lines would have been too on the nose.

>And why should I listen to Jesus. Why should
I'd rather these had question marks, namely because...

>“Where’d you read that.”
...it'd put more emphasis on this one.

Well written but more relatable than it is compelling or conclusive. Feels like a first act.

>>15798683
>I love you, I love you, I love you…
Consumes some of my patience.

>as if marking me of being witness
Gee it's almost as if the author is telling us to mark this image as a person, so that it may persist through the upcoming "you" gimmick.

>as if marking me of being witness to the brave new world
I don't get how this is at all like putting dust on somebody. It just sounds like an excuse for the prior and to say "brave new world." If you meant something by that, which the next line hints at, the meaning wasn't as strong as the referential value.

>your mother
>your father
these feel like violations of the "you" gimmick, which I'm still not fully seeing

Maybe ease up and just try writing two characters narrating to eachother.

This is for a visual novel I'm working on: https://pastebin.com/FJ8tzbTC

Any tips to improve? Is it readable?

>>15802197
>the elf whose stately arm hangs currently from your own
Am I holding a severed limb? This doesn't sound right to me.

The exposition is all pretty obvious feeling. The first two lines were better than the rest of the paragraph, which to me isn't very memorable anyways. And while reading, I don't think I need it in the first place. Just give the details later down the line.

>already partially intoxicated by the sweet aroma emanating from the glass.
Too melodramatic.

>but you will not be practicing here in Tyre.
Basically everything between this and you mentioning the actual city he's going to felt obligatory, like just going through the motions. You throw in a bunch of names that I convinced I have no reason to keep.

>"I've never heard of it," you say, surprised.
How conveeenient, just like the audience hasn't heard of it eeeither. But I guess that's VN for you.

>The residing doctor, Dr. Pierce, has unfortunately, passed away.
So this is the actual problem the man is solving? Earlier, he replied to "Then you'll help me?" with "Yes, but I'm afraid you will not think so," (i.e. "Yes") but now the old man's priority doesn't seem to be the protag anymore, and all he does to the contrary is insist. I have no way to trust this insistence because he puts nothing else down and because the protag he's addressing is a plain VN protag who may as well be anybody; there's no way for me to understand someone's judgement of this guy.

>>15802197
>Mellomere
>Moldon
>Lisimy
>Razinopal
Get better names retard.

>>15794352
Make a book of this, it's hilarious. Delve deeper into the lore of McDonald's Land, and it's true god: Grimace

Death hath not taken us...
Descend to the underworld if you must,
I will not follow you beneath the crust.
For I have seen the distant hidden caves
& where we go when interred into graves.

My words cannot capture the state of things
But there the land is not lead by mere kings
Instead, the mighty spirit of time plays
With the dainty toys we do call the days;
Everything, a vessel for power:
Look on the seed as it takes the flower;
We ride on the backs of giant creatures
& can only guess at their covert features.
Yet I know one day we will see the face
Of the one who manifested both time & space
The question is, will we be fit to speak
With Him who dwells on the mountain’s peak?

Now is the time for cultivation & growth
Do not feel as if you should take any oath
Rather be as the seed below the ground,
Patiently wait for the trumpets to sound
& be lifted up by growth to the light of love
There we shall speak in the language above:
Our breath, our spirits will become unfurled
When death does take us from this mortal world.

QUESTION/ADVICE REQUESTED:
Guys, I've been plagued for years by the fear of posting my work in an online setting, mainly for 2 reasons:
1) I no longer own it and even if I was recognized and beloved, I can't capitalize on it since its already self-published by my posting it
2) I can no longer go back and change certain details to fit a later narrative
That being said, I'm contemplating creating a free blog and posting some partially written works to force myself to keep writing them; any details I wish to go back and change will simply have to be worked in as best as possible without changing prior posts. Then if I ever was allowed to better publish the work, I could do so under the guise of "reworking" certain ideas in, thus creating a new product.
I know I'm probably just being autistic and getting caught up on the details but do you guys think I should go for it i.e. just create the damn blog and write on it daily, putting my work out there for the world?
>>15802197
An interesting piece sure to capture your demographic though I'm a bit doubtful of you telling the reader explicitly how they feel; it reminds me of filtering
>filtering: when the reader and action are inappropriately separated using words like "felt", "saw", "noticed" etc. e.g >He saw the fog scatter with the rising sun and the noticed the mailbox emerging from the wet lawn vs. >The fog scattered with the rising sun and the mailbox emerged from the wet lawn

>>15802542
Disagree with everything you wrote except for the arm bit (you were wrong on every other point, but it's because I haven't finished the whole thing yet), but thanks for the crit anyway. I'll take a look at your work if you've posted it.

>>15802546
I like them. What's wrong with them? Also, rude.

>>15802571
Could you point out where I filter? Only line I can find is 31 and 53 but I use "felt" intentionally in those cases. Also for your question, a blog is one option but if you have the patience to crit other people's work (detailed crit not the stuff passes here) you can try a site like critiqueciricle or scribophile as a way to iterate on the draft.

>>15802661
>it's because I haven't finished the whole thing yet
I'm sure you'll reference some of those names later or something but the future doesn't change the present. No relevance is ascribed.

>>15802661
>Could you point out where I filter? Only line I can find is 31 and 53 but I use "felt" intentionally in those cases.
Sure thing, it was pretty early on.
Looks like line 9 tripped my autism.

>>15802677
Relevance in what sense? It's relevant in so much as it contributes to the worldbuilding, characterizes the MC's degree of knowledge and desperation and sets up the names of locations I'll need to use later. It's not a short story or novella so I believe I'm allowed some latitude and superfluity and besides it's more interesting than writing "You list the names of several cities each of which each are summarily shot down" or something. But whatever, I won't argue the point further. Thanks again for the crit, and point me to your stuff if you want some eyeballs on it.

>>15802722
Ah yeah, I see that. The line reads awkwardly regardles. I'll change it thanks.

>>15802756
>It's relevant in so much as it contributes to the worldbuilding, characterizes the MC's degree of knowledge and desperation and sets up the names of locations I'll need to use later.
It's relevant only in preparation for callback value. If this sort of reference were my thing, I would just buy funko pops to satiate the desire. And yeah, I guess it gets across that your character knows the names of a half dozen cities. Either way I don't care for the exposition pockets.

The harsh and grating buzz of the alarm clock jolted Andy out of a warm and dreamy slumber. He lazily pawed at the snooze button and screwed a tired, groggy eyeball upward to read the time, hoping for the opportunity to catch a few more minutes of rest- there would be no such luck today. Andy pushed the blanket pile aside and feebly reached for the old prescription bottle of Citalopram on the floor beside his mattress. He fumbled with the cap for a short minute, and downed the last two pills with a swig of water from a plastic bottle. He propped himself up and sat, slumped over on the edge of his mattress, paralyzed by an amalgam of inertia and dread. A dreary, damp fog seeped from the earth and pressed against the window of his flat. Lazily, he pawed at the crud in his eyes. Again, the alarm clock began to blare, jolting him out of his thoughts. He fumbled at the damn thing, hoping to make it shut up for good this time.

>>15792858

I wrote a mystery story, but I haven't posted it anywhere yet. It's about this guy named Candlejack. Anyway, he

>>15802896
I think "seeped" doesn't really work since it's usually written in the sense of something seeping into something else. You use "lazily pawed" too much, same with jolting. Also the whole waking up scene is so overdone that you really need to have something new to make it interesting, and this unfortunately doesn't. Also why would a depressed person have set an alarm clock? Wouldn't want to just keep sleeping through?

The consequences suggest I should have already known lasertag triggers my PTSD, but I walked right into that John Wick melody, beating my friends with plastic firearms which for some reason did not fire bullets, not even when pointed at my own face, down my throat, specifically. Some goons put me in a nelson and I don't remember when they changed from carnies to hospital guys, but someone definitely took my tickets away. I didn't get the shortest end of the stick, but it's still not fair, you know?

>>15802929
>Also why would a depressed person have set an alarm clock?
Because they have a job?

>>15802896
Adjective dense and cliche opening. Eyeball description was nice.

> from a plastic bottle
This calls back to a vision I've already animated. I would at least cut the adjective, or continue on with something else done with the bottle, like using it to say he's in a hotel room. This would actually give me questions.

bump

>>15795930
>>15795985
Thanks for the critique anons

Also I am not feeling worthy to critique other work itt thread so sorry bros

Does anyone here actually submit to competitions or journals?

>>15805419
yes

>>15805553
no one asked you.

>>15805553
Show us your published stories, tripfag

>>15805578
I got a lesbian romance published but I don't want to dox myself on this website.

>>15805600
So do I but I won't post it because you might shoot diarrhoea over it

>>15805600
>I don't want to dox myself on this website
kek

>>15805663
Congratulations :)

>>15805692
What's so funny about that?

>>15805419
Yeah but it was a journal run by peers basically. The criteria for getting in was, "does this look like a journal-like thing?"

>>15805780
Does that count anon? Need to put SKIN IN THE MAHFUCKING GAME. Don't just resort to weird nepotism.

>>15805793
Peers, not friends really.

>>15805804
Honestly if you need help with getting published. Make it politically attractive for the publisher wink. Go put in a gay genderslime AFAB queer protagonist if you need to.

>>15805819
nobody do this. Stop cucking to the establishment ffs. Stand your ground and turn the tide yourselves.

>>15805819
It isn't that I need help so much as I'm just not in the game. To that extent I need help, but people like what I write. I've just never understood where to plug things in except when people on my own level tell me.

>>15805847
define people on your own level
have u been published or not

>>15805717
stop

>>15806128
No.

>>15806314
Butterfly, we like what we see. Email fourlitreview at yandex dot com. It's an exclusive place for exclusive people, like yourself.

>>15794650
>>15800274
I'm none of the fags so far, but I think I've got the same problem. Is there an appropriate place for first-person narration, or do you just disagree with it wholesale (or for it being so typical)?

>>15802570
I won't alter the meaning of the poem, but I will try to revise it to create more of a "rhythm." See if you like how it sounds.

Sleep hath not taken us...
Descend to the underworld if you must,
But I will not follow you beneath the crust
For I have seen the distant, darksome caves
and the dreary ways beyond our winsome graves

My words cannot capture the state of things
For there the land is lead by more than kings-
Instead, the mighty ghost of time plays
With the dainty toys we call the days

Everything, a vessel for power:
See the seeds as they the plain enflower
We ride on the backs of massive creatures
And can only guess at their distant features

Yet I know betimes,
We will see the face
Of the one who manifests our very time and space
The question stays, will we be fit to speak
With Him who dwells upon the mountain's hoary peak?

Now it is time for growth and cultivation,
So take no oath, make no prostration
Rather be as the seed below the ground
Lying in wait for the trumpets to sound
And be lifted up by growth to the light of love
There we shall speak in the language above
Our breath, our spirits will become unfurled
As death will spirit us from this mortal world

Otherwise, it is fine.

>>15806401
Why, who are you?

>>15806403
Don't bother taking advice from people who outright reject a legitimate form of literature. They just haven't read anything but genre fiction.

>>15806454
>genre fiction
I thought Gene Wolfe did a lot of first person perspective. I have no idea why that retard said it sounded like a movie narrator though. Has he even tried DeLillo or anyone remotely relevant in novel writing? All of it uses a tone informed by television.

>>15806403
I'm neither of them but also see their point. It isn't the first person but the "this is my writer voice" issue. It's even more apparent in poetry. It goes away with time, but I shouldn't be able to recognize something is a joke before finding it funny (emphasis on recognize; if norm macdonald says he's telling a 12 minute joke, that's fine because it's just telling). >>15797685 also applies.

>>15806495
>I shouldn't be able to recognize something is a joke before finding it funny
Why do people keep repeating this phrase in these threads? Is it all the same guy?
It doesn't even apply to this situation

>>15806518
That's the second time I've said it, and it does apply. 90% of he humor here has the writer voice problem. They just know what being outrageous looks like, and then they try to act that way. It's the same with how rupi knows how to sound pretentious and just calls it poetry. It is all the same thing.

>>15806535
>Woahh woah waohhh I'm a whacky zany writerrrr woaahhhh I can't use my inside voiceeeee

Like that?

>>15806535
>outrageous
You're just a boring fag

>>15806550
>>15806553
No, I'm someone who can recognize when an author is jacking off while writing.

>editorial comments come back
>half the fucking story is gutted
>they've added a scene break
>they made more typos than they fixed
>they don't even realise key parts of the story, confusing a city for a man's name
ARGGGGGGGHHHHH I THOUGHT MAKING IT WOULD BE GOOD, IT'S SO SHIT

Sent this out to a couple magazines today
https://pastebin.com/PsZB0wce

Set in the early 60s btw (also! I'm 18 and the only experience I have with writing is for my school newspaper, tell me how to improve my shit and if you want to see the rest)

>>15806588
You got a bad editor. I'm guessing its a shitty small fake publisher.

>>15806603
It's an NPO with a journal, but the name attached to it is big enough to warrant a wikipedia.

>>15806609
>name attached to it
kek
so some swept under rug niche indie press owned by a bigger (real) publisher?
next time get an agent bro.

>>15806621
>get an agent
Maybe if I write a novel lol. I said it was a story.

>>15806592
The very first clause has errors. Good luck with that.

>>15806592
This will be rejected, but only because editors are pedantic retards who don't want to do their job

>>15806663
Are all editors just arseholes? I was editing for a bit and I would get up at people for the smallest 'errors' - just so I could feel like I was doing something on an hourly rate. I'd rearrange sentences to be slightly easier to read, or more aesthetically pleasing. This was all in non literary areas though.

>>15806663
Is it good though?

>>15806593
One of the better pieces in the thread. (But please use pastebin next time since it's easier to copypaste or reference by line number). Some issues that immediately pop up (trivial stuff though):

>...the repeated assurances
Should be "..his repeated assurances"

>...misgivings as well
Reads awkwardly, cutting and replacing with"...apparently ALSO sensing..." works for me.

>...eventually look like the one...
Longwinded. Just write, "...look like the full-page ad Weidt-Parker..."

>...the young and somewhat earnest...
Too much telling. Either show or tell ironically.

>...having just been...
Longwinded. "...and hired just a few weeks ago..." reads better to me.

>...didn't exactly consider himself qualified or experienced...in the first place...of the fact that...at this point in time...
Cut, cut, and cut. "Although, he didn't feel qualified enough to argue and now began to regret ever speaking up, he was acutely aware that his career options were limited to either..." still a bit clunky but a step in the right direction I think.

Ending pun is weak, you can do better.

>>15806704
It doesn't matter, because anyone you submitted to will read the first sentence ending in a comma and delete the email. Sad but true.

>>15806729
Ironic. He could save others from bad punctuation, but not himself.

>>15806704
I thought it was pretty good but there's a tendency to rely on similies too much and too often. And some don't work "rang like a rape" is especially bad. It's also a little too hysterical from the get go, you should build up to it.

>>15806721
>Although, he didn't feel qualified enough to argue and now began to regret ever speaking up, he was acutely aware that his career options were limited to either...
Why do people who don't know how commas work try to comment on others?

>trying to opinion manage someone else's critique when posturing is exactly what's being objected to

"Before I write I always sit in my big comfy writing chair with my writing cap and my writing robes while my writing wife gropes my writing feet and I drink my writing drink from its writing glass in my writing hand whose writing fingers then dictate my writing speech from my writing mind to my writing laptop on my writing thighs."

"And what do you do for a living?"

>>15806787
Where did I mess up? Is it the first comma?

>>15806798
>tumblr avatar
>not tagging the person he's replying to

go back.

>>15806802
If you don't know, you shouldn't be critiquing others.

>>15806721
Thank you! Here's the rest of what I've written so far; what do you think of my use of footnotes? I originally had it in the main narrative but decided it was too clunky. Also, I'll be sure to use Pastebin the next time I post.

>>15806819
Go ahead and point what bit you disagree with. None of my critique pertained to commas anyway, but keep seething.

>>15806815
>I want more context but also proudly represent a board for anonymous people

>>15806836
Not him but it should be

> Although he didn't feel qualified enough to argue- and, indeed, began to regret ever speaking up- he became acutely aware that his career options were limited....

>>15806798
What the fuck are you even talking about man

>>15807080
Thanks, I always get the rules for clauses wrt dashes and commas mixed up.

>>15807087
It's not in reference to the commas but the writing voice conversation before.

>>15807131
Nobody knows what you're talking about. Fuck off back to Tumblr.

>>15807142
If you didn't know you wouldn't reply. It lacks the link for the same reason it doesn't answer the final question: readers can fill in the blanks.

>>15807158
Not the same anon, but: what?

>>15807168
If one layer of anonymity isn't enough for you, feel free to dive as far away as you like.

>>15807188
What?

>>15807195
Keep running buddy. What do you have left, anyways?

sorry i dont speak tumblr
what is this retard getting at?

>>15807273
No clue honestly

>>15807273
Would you be more comfortable if I told you it was from google images?

>>15807290
No. You are tumblr in both appearance and demeanour.

>>15807349
Well since you really, really need to know it isn't tumblr shaming you, here's the evidence you're asking for. Unless you think by chance I picked the exact same file from twitter as what comes up in the first row when you google sir raven.

>>15807400
Man, you really stand out. Look at the way you're making a fool of yourself. At least try to lurk for a bit to learn etiquette.

>>15807581
Why? I'm sure you'd rather be more anonymous than everybody else anyways.

>>15807400
dude you are cringe and gay
go back

>>15807599
>more anonymous
What?

all of you kill yourselves

>>15807604
Samefagging when confronted with evidence is a little more gay.

>>15807611
If noone can have more anonymity than another, then how does anyone stand out in the first place?

>>15807629
Ah, an ESL.

>>15807710
Is that the next thing you're worried about?

>>15807729
Can you email fourlitreview at yandex? I love your forwardness.

>>15807779
Are you in the group, by chance?

what fucking group already?
go to ur gay tranny discord and stfu

>>15808075
Email four lit review at yandex dot com kid

>>15808187
Why?

If any of you understand Spanish, please help me with this exegesis I wrote for a friend's platform. I fear it is too baroque and obscure for a general critique of stare centralism

>>15808971
Pt. II

There once was a village, poor and destitute because they did not have a leader.
One day a Jester came to town, and told such amusing jokes that lifted the spirits of the village people.
And for a time the village people could forget that they did not have a leader, since they were too busy being entertained by the jester.
"I am very glad to have come here." said the Jester to the village people during another one of his performances, "For I see you are all in need of laughter, and I am humbled to be of service."
Many days passed and the popularity of the Jester in the village grew, until all knew him.
But there was soon disagreement. A man in the village tired of the Jester's jokes. For even a Jester is prone to repetition.
"I'll not listen to the Jester's jokes a second longer. I feel now it is time for us to be serious. The time for jokes has come and passed, and we must renew our ambition of finding a leader for this village."

It was then the Jester leaped into view for all to see and began to hoot, and howl, and say many funny things about the villager who no longer wished to hear his jokes.
The villagers were greatly amused by this, partly because they did not care for the villager who was the subject of the Jester's jokes.
And so the villager who no longer wished to listen to the Jester's jokes left the village with his family.
More days passed and more incidents like this occured.
Until a quarter of the village population had left because they could no longer stomach the Jester's jokes.
Those villagers who remained were loyal to the Jester, and held him in great admiration.
Til one day one of the villagers declared, "The Jester should be our leader."

This declaration was met with resounding agreement from all the remaining villagers, of which there were many.
"I cannot be a leader." said the Jester, "My role has always been to tell jokes. I cannot be funny if am both a jester and the leader of this village."
"Oh, but you tell such insightful jokes." said one of the villagers, "You see things we cannot see, you see what is true and make us laugh through your clever use of speech and performance. Who better to lead us towards what is true and good?"
The Jester did not try to dissuade the villagers any further.
The village prospered in the weeks that followed. The Jester's reputation drew in new villagers who wished to see the impressive Jester perform.
The town soon began to thrive under the direction of the Jester, and all seemed well.
Shortly after a second Jester came to the village, since he had heard that the village appreciated the craft of joke telling very much.
The second Jester walked into the main village square and began to tell jokes.

>>15809018
Soon an audience grew around the second Jester.
They showered the second Jester in coins and laughter for he was just as funny as the first Jester who came to town.
"Now our town has two Jesters!" said one of the villagers, "We are very fortunate!"
"What is the meaning of this!" said the First Jester, who had been sitting reading letters of admiration from the villagers in the village hall nearby.
"Another Jester has come to town!" said one of the villagers, "And he tells such amusing jokes!"
The First Jester was furious. "Do you not see that the second Jester is merely copying me?" he said, "He is telling my jokes to my people."
"My jokes are my own." said the second Jester, "Would you like to hear them?"
"No!" said the First Jester, "How dare you assume you can come here and tell jokes in my village when I am the village's one and only Jester!"
"I am sorry." said the second Jester, "I did not there could only be one jester in this town."
"Well now you know!" said the First Jester, "Now begone with you!"
And so the second Jester left the village in search of a place where his jokes would be welcome.

The First Jester made it a law in the village that any man besides himself that told a joke would be banished never to return.
Some of the villagers found this new law quite alarming, and chose to leave quietly for a new village.
The villagers who remained however continued to believe in their Jester Leader.

As more time passed the First Jester grew fatter and fatter as he ate the lion's share of every meal. And his own private estate grew ever more lavish.
The villagers, who had known a short period of prosperity in the town thanks to the Jester and his reputation, were now no better off than before the First Jester came to the village.
The First Jester however was not in his own mind and heart a bad nor villainous man. He merely wished to tell jokes and to be praised for it. The First Jester could not see the famine and struggle in the village because he chose to remain in his lavish manor.

"You could all be like me." The First Jester would say, "If you do as I do."

The villagers close by all looked at each other. They couldn't tell if the First Jester was joking.

>>15808971
Fuck, you're pretentious as fuck. Stop trying to sound literary and use natural sentence constructions - there's no reason to say "en brindar de alta esfera la cornucopia prometida" instead of "en brindar la cornucopia prometida de alta esfera."

>>15809117
This is exactly the type of input I'm looking for, please continue, I assure you I'll take your considerations to heart.

>>15808971
I live in LA and I remember going to my Mexican friend's house as a kid in like middle school. He lived in South Central, and they were having a part at his neighbor's house which we went to. This Mexican dude was holding a live chicken and offered it to me to hold while saying something in Spanish, but I fallaciously replied: "Sorry, I don't speak Mexican." SO here I say to you: Sorry, I don't speak Mexican.

>>15809018
>>15809024
This is somehow both too obvious and too vague. It's clearly a social critique or some kind of fable, but it's not entirely straightforward what kind of real-world behaviour you're criticizing. Not only that, but you've written it to sound like folklore or an old children's tale, yet you're trying to make adult remarks; I can appreciate that style of writing, but your use of it feels trite.

>>15809018
>>15809024
>>15809729
I dislike it, in short.

bump

bump

Madame President Bumper Sticker - Condition: New

>>15792858
>tfw too smart for my readers
Any books like this? I feel like half the stuff I want to do goes over people's heads.

>>15795930
It's good but you are missing a twist on the word "maybe," and your visions don't come together like you think they do. What you think you're doing is saying "big forces of nature don't touch me and thus even the fundamental of love misses me," but look at your words.
>surf
>ocean
>lands
>breeze
>dust
>heart
Either, only have heart be the specific/smaller force and take breeze to storm and dust to desert, or keep them all smaller.

Right lads, how's this for let's say a poverty stricken man's attempt at a very short, sort of stream of consciousness short story about a fella going to the shops. Also all the ellipses are just there because I couldn't come up with a name for him.

>>15814363
*all the ceramics of a bare, cold kitchen...
Probably should have gone back over it at least once before posting it.

I would post my story but it's a bit long