/lit/ - Literature

>>15768119
How many people are in the review group?

I want the kind of girlfriend

that is late on our third date

launching through the door

of her favourite coffee place
her soaking wet shirt and hair

kissing her ears and cheeks

as she sits down across from me

drying herself with her handkerchief
then she goes and holds my hand

“Are my hands cold?” she asks candidly

I can’t help but smile at the irony, and

I joke about how cold

the coffee had become

>>15768144
There used to be 12 but some people were being cringe and so now it's 7.
Quality over quantity is our maxim.

>>15768169
I see you on Reddit nigga

I will cut their bodies from pack-id flesh. I will wash the blood from their metal and pour water through their hair, baptised evermore. The sun will clean them and fair well for its own sake. Tepid souls will retreat, the steadfast ever purple. Royal by designation, a soul made certain by stone. What to do of the worlds poindexters. The teachers pets and schoolmarms. Human roadblocks of the most banal path. Can they be removed or will they stick and cling like waste that nature’s body expels. Repeat atrocities across your stomach and be anchored down to rot. Melt and desecrate yourself, lover of slave lobster. Hack away you filthy mongrel. Fingers crippling over plied wood, eating paper to survive. Cower nightly under off white cubes. Your plastic blinds will not hide you well. You weak tree, break in high winds, rot for us to eat. Push under the rug these sort-of livers. Push way under your feet.

>>15768169
I just posted here: >>15768256

I’ve always found love poems to be juvenile and without introspection. To find novelty in love is immature.

Has anyone ever tried to set up an extended workshop for posters who want to post longer work and get better more in depth feedback? If nothing like this exists already I wouldn't mind setting up a place for editing in google docs or something. I'm more interested in helping people with critique than with sharing my own work however. It would be like a college workshop class, but online.

This is an attempt at comedy horror. I'm sure it's funny, but I'm wondering if any actual horror made it through.
https://pastebin.com/f34bBdhH

>>15768299
Read the OP.

Re-asking >>15766614, I posted critique in the thread.

I want to use the verb Flit to indicate a single instance of flitting, specifically something like the reverse of springloaded blinds reeling up. Do I have to say Flitted in the past tense? I don't like the repetition of the T, it sounds plural to me in a way (or further from onomatopoeia maybe), but just Flit might look like a tense change. If you aren't sure then telling me that is fine too, I'm wondering if this is a subjective thing.

>>15768256
Kind of reads like death metal lyrics to me. What's the context for this? It would be more interesting if I had a sense of who was speaking here, and why they're thinking these things.

---

(first part of longer scene in a novel)

Tristan Thompson, G.E.D., lighting an American Spirit Black, got off work and stepped into the guts of Crown Hill. The ground was queasy and slick, cratered with oily puddles, slabs of concrete surrendering to fungus. The trees were pathetic. Crows jabbed at soaked litter in the curbside rain-rivers. Slugs dragged their entrails across the sidewalks.

“Scuse me brother,” someone grunted.

Tristan stiffened like he’d hit an invisible wall. The man gaping at him carried a bulging THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU shopping bag and wore an unstable assemblage of coats.

He squinted at Tristan. “Yo, did I talk to you before? Did I speak to you before, brother?”

“Mmm I don’t think so,” Tristan murmured through his cig.

The man smiled broadly. “No, I definitely did. I did speak to you before. And I meant every word I said, brother. Every word.”

“Okay,” Tristan said. The man shuffled away.

Tristan squelched down Holman Road towards 85th St., his thin slip-on shoes flopping and draining water. Their ragged soles had carried him through nine hours of standing and dashing between the cash register and grill, his mandate to serve 25 customers in 30 minutes, taking their orders and rushing to get their burgers and fries and rushing back to charge them and thanks have a good one and next in line please and hey what can I get started for ya. His hands were covered in little burns from scooping fries into paper wallets. His right knee twinged with every other step.

Tristan passed the abandoned Pizza Hut and reached the corner of 85th and 15th. A major node of northwest Seattle pumped and churned before him. 85th was the spine of the city, stretching through the core of Seattle’s mono-counterculture – past the glistening chromesleek dispensaries sprouting like polyps in between condemned houses, in the smothering incense drooling from medieval potion shops around Greenwood, by the rainbow flags displayed in various Chase Banks and Wells Fargoes.

He stood and smoked as the rain thickened, banging his palm on the walk button every few seconds.

>>15768854
You have a firm grip on what makes Seattle suck, but you forgot to mention the man in a dress passed out with a needle in his arm. However, I'd caution against trying to use a famous location as shorthand for good description. For people familiar with the area, it kinda feels like someone nudging you in the ribs every few seconds (you get a similar effect from every Star Wars movie made after the originals, random references thrown in just to be like "Hey, remember this?"). For people unfamiliar with the area, it's just a laundry list of street names and landmarks. I can see you've tried to strike a balance here and it would probably work better if the street names weren't numbers. The geography mentioned here doesn't strike me as significant to the story - it doesn't seem to matter that he's walking down 85th so much as it matters that he's walking down the spine of the city and seeing the hypocrisy laid bare. Obviously 85th is 85th, you can't just pick a different street name for it, but I'm sure you can figure out a less jarring way of establishing the location (numerals in the middle of normal text is always kind of jarring, which can be effective if you intend to jar the reader, but in this instance that doesn't seem to be the case). Keep going though, Seattle needs a good solid kick in the ass and you seem like the guy to do the job.

>>15768119
Don't go to this group. They're just a bunch of spotty virgins who write like shit.

>>15768119
pure reason

>>15769125
This is good advice, ty. I might change the last part to:

Tristan squelched down the intestinal tract of Holman Road, his thin slip-on shoes flopping and draining water. Their ragged soles had carried him through nine hours of standing and dashing between the cash register and grill, his mandate to serve 25 customers in 30 minutes, taking their orders and rushing to get their burgers and fries and rushing back to charge them and thanks have a good one and next in line please and hey what can I get started for ya. His hands were covered in little burns from scooping fries into paper wallets. His right knee twinged with every other step.

Tristan passed the abandoned Pizza Hut and reached a broad intersection dotted with bus stops. A major node of northwest Seattle pumped and churned before him. Cars were rushing down the spine of the city, through the core of Seattle’s mono-counterculture – past the glistening chromesleek dispensaries sprouting like polyps in between condemned houses, in the smothering incense drooling from medieval potion shops around Greenwood, by the rainbow flags displayed in various Chase Banks and Wells Fargoes.

He stood and smoked as the rain thickened, banging his palm on the walk button every few seconds.

>>15768854
Every modern cook has those kitchen Crocs though

>>15768169
This reads like it was written by someone who has never actually been on a date.

I have more pages of this - perhaps someone can tell me whether to top myself or post the rest

one page of a short that i'm working on (may end up turning into a novella)

>>15770417
Way too many adjectives. It's so overwhelming with clunky imagery, it's difficult to form a visual picture of what's going on.

1/7

2/7

3/7

>>15770438
you're right, i see a few things now that could be cut. might just re-work the whole thing. thanks anon:)

4/7

5/7

6/7

7/7

>>15770483
The dialogue here is pretty flat, and there's some awkward moments like "replied the man with the cane" and "ordered the man" (it should go in the opposite direction, i.e. "the man ordered"). I'd also work on making your descriptions a bit more interesting.

>>15770483
>They look like damned faggy sailors
Stopped reading here. You need to earn shit like this, not open a passage with it.

>>15770483
>>15770487
>>15770494
>>15770497
>>15770508
>>15770519
>>15770530
Give "my mate" and "the man with the cane" names, for Pete's sake. Also the dialogue is extremely unbelievable, people don't talk this way. Also you need to describe your setting in more detail, I can't picture this at all. Keep at it, needs a lot of work

>>15770404
If the Star Wars Shakespeare for every film can get published, so can Shrekspeare. Do it

>>15769914
t. cringe autist still salty that he got kicked out.
Concentrte more on getting better at writing and less on seeking validation.

>>15771543
>The lad can't even spell.
Don't know what you're talking about either.

>>15771557
Continue to seethe all you like, you're not getting back in the group.

>>15771589
I left because you're all retarded. Or are you turning this the other way round because you have some serious psychological issues dealing with rejection? Stay clear, anons, he's an unhinged Nietzschean.

>>15771593
You received professional advice from at least four different people on multiple works, and this is how you show gratitude?
Sorry that we weren't the reddit hugbox you were looking for, but if you seriously are saying you didn't receive actionable advice from us then you're just lying.

>>15771632
Stop shitting up /crit/ with your own group then if you can't handle the feedback.

Let me know if you find it funny or amusing, it worked as a prompt. I see parts where I can edit it to make it paint a better mental picture. I'm testing the waters.

I apologise for the really lazy photo, hopefully it isn't a problem. I'm mobile posting.

>>15770417
I failed to understand what was going on, maybe I'm thick. A bit too heavy on the adjectives and not enough -this is what's going on- The section beginning with "he knelt" is promising. Took me a moment to realise his elation was the feeling of butterflies in his stomach.

>>15768119
>Premium Crit Zone:
I would have no real idea what I was submitting to if I did this. There isn't a way for me to evaluate the argument you're having with anon, for example. It's like tripfagging except you're asking others to trip without sticking your own neck out so much.

>>15771798
You're not obliged to submit anything. It's simply a private chat where people trade works and get better quality advice then what is available on these threads.

99% of what is posted here is nowhere near ready for publishing, let alone be worth plagiarizing. People need to learn to be more humble.

>>15771833
>It's simply a private chat where people trade works and get better quality advice then what is available on these threads.
Then why target these very threads for members? Why mention plagiarizing?

The fact is that you and anon could each either be writing pee pee poo poo or Ulysses 2 and, from your discussion, I would be none the wiser on who's doing what. Does anyone have work in the quarterly or something? I'd seen things there I liked.

>>15770750
Is English not your fist language? That sentence in itself is a real clunker and certainly would not make the sentence any better

>>15770913
The dialogue is supposed to be unbelievable. I don't know how somebody could possibly read this and imagine it's attempting to be realistic or not a big fucking joke to begin with.

>>15770913
And short stories do not require much visual description at all. How many have you read? Fill in the blanks you lazy reader. I'm not going to dilute a slapstick sketch by pumping it with shitty adjectives and unnecessary descriptions to make unimaginative readers happy. Expose yourself to more styles of writing.

>>15772075
>>15772087
intentional cringe is still cringe

>>15770750
>it should go in the opposite direction

Is English your first language? That sentence is a real clunker in itself and I definitely will not follow that advice.

>>15772106
Thanks for proving my point.

>>15770483
The descriptions are trite and the dialogue is tryhard. You should stop trying to be quirky and concentrate on writing a decent story.

>>15770856
>You need to earn shit like this

Lol you don't, and you have no clue who I am or whether or not I already have 'earned' it. That way of thinking stunts creativity, and you are the reason why most fiction that gets published and marketed these days is such garbage. Please, do not grant yourself the privilege of being a gatekeeper. You're not.

>>15772125
So read the one I posted above. Same format. You're talking to me as if this is my first rodeo, champ. It's not.

>>15770483
>>15770487
>>15770494
>>15770497
>>15770508
>>15770519
>>15770530

You're supposed to give critique before posting anything, but I read some anyway. I only got to 2/7 before giving up. This is really not engaging at all and is clearly just the writer trying to jack off his ego onto the page, but without the skill to make it work. You're not as funny as you probably think you are. Learn the basics of writing first.

>>15772146
>You're talking to me as if this is my first rodeo, champ. It's not.

Your ego is not commensurate with your writing ability, chump.

>>15772147
How about you actually provide some constructive criticism? So far the critiques I have seen would actually make the piece worse if I implemented them. I sense a lot of envy coming from you. Usually people do not attribute a poor short story with an inflated ego when they have no clue who the writer is, and their criticisms of the work do not line up with that accusation. The fact of the matter is, multiple types of literature exist, and not everything has to fucking solve some deep human conundrum or replicate reality to an exact degree. Maybe you need to expose yourself to more art.

AOC is a horseface bean
her teeth gleams like charlie sheen
she's the next president, deal with it cucks
i want to sniff her feet and lick her butt
AOC is my brown mommy
her milkers taste like vitamin C
I want to stick it in her bum
That is why she is my mum

>>15772163
Another ad hominen attack because you realize your criticisms aren't really all that productive, and appear to be rooted in envy considering the grammar of literally every other piece not written by me in this thread is total garbage.

>>15772186
actually got a kek out of me, well done

>>15770483
be more descriptive. long white coat and green cap doesnt tell us anything about their face or demeanour. The formatting could be better

>>15772186
haha not bad

>>15772207
It's a short story. Would you like each character's hair colour too, and the locations of their cutest birth marks?

r8 my poetry

Somewhere across the street
a chungus chungus big
he hops and plops into the street
chungus chungus big
Zoomer boomer pee pee poomer
chungus in the street
Obama mama alimama
Skeet, skeet, skeet in the street

>>15772075
>>15772087
>>15772137

You are shit at taking criticism. Your writing needs to be improved. Fuck off if you're going to spurn people who take the time to offer constructive advice, if you don't take it you will never succeed as a writer. Be humble and recognise you have a lot to learn.

>>15772207
If you keep reading the story, the actions of the characters make their demeanours pretty damn obvious without needing to amateurly and unnecessary dilute the quality of the writing with descriptive words. It would be poor writing.

>>15772282
>dilute the quality of the writing
What quality? You're just making bad jokes, at least I think they're supposed to be jokes...

In a story you provide the descriptions first so people can visualize the characters. This is writing 101. Try looking at tutorials on youtube and get a solid foundation. Walk before you run.

>>15772075
>I don't know how somebody could possibly read this and imagine it's attempting to be realistic or not a big fucking joke to begin with.
well they might read it in a crit thread for starters, but reading your work for the first time now:

>>15770483
cut the second "identical," cut "as it should be" imo

>my mate
>my mate
>my mate
I'm only on the first page and I can tell you this is only slapstick in the sense of the annoying orange, and I don't mean your character; I mean the writing. I understand why you don't want realistic names but this I don't like.

>capitalized speaker tags after exclamation/question marks
If that's your thing, ok.

The imagery is pretty clear, if only because you don't screw with anything. I'm seeing stock imagery though, i.e. characters and places I already recognize. "The man with the cane" is less annoying to read than "my mate" and actually plays into familiar pimp tropes (both in length and anonymity).

>Drake
Why would your narrator-character name his buddy to a pimp, but not to me? You realize this speaker and your narrator are the same guy, right? Is "he" just writing this way to be funny?

I'm not sure the violent ending was ideal. The fact that the narrator seems to be making deliberate attempts at humor causes it to feel dishonest, while ironically it's also just you explaining the joke. There's probably a funny way to open the door and have him still be alive, or very strongly hint that the narrator is lying about him having died for whatever reason. But I did like it.

>>15772275
The problem is the criticism is not constructive, and if I implemented it, would actually defeat the purpose of the story and make it worse. I've noticed that it is a trend here for people to give the obviously shity writers who do not even have an authority on grammar excellent constructive advice, while the genuinely good writers who share interesting and unique work get absolutely shit on by the envious losers who flock to these threads.

>>15770404
Unironically based.

>>15772137
>Lol you don't, and you have no clue who I am
I couldn't give less of a shit who you are. The only thing I'm speaking to is your writing, which incidentally also doesn't give a shit who you are. I don't care if you think you're the next coming of Joyce, your writing itself did not earn what it reached for, which was forgiveness for a broken rule -- that is, the willingness for a reader to be convinced by authorial competence to attribute an instance of something shitty to intention. When you kick off your piece with dialogue, it would probably behoove you to make that dialogue interesting in its actual content rather than trying to do so with the novelty of a pretty juvenile application of "shocking" language. The greatest irony is that it shocks nobody, it just gives the impression that you're not that great a writer.

>>15771974
I'm usually a fan of metrical poetry, but I actually enjoyed this, even if the meaning seems a bit obscure to me. The "time like a wistful bubble slugs" is probably the best line, and leaves me vaguely repulsed, as does the final line which also works well. I would alter the line referencing swans' necks bent and drowned- it seems a little too in-your-face for a piece which is elsewhere quite subtle; with only 9 lines, every word counts.

Attached is my poem, 'Janus'.

it’s looking with one eye closed

its feeling dizzy for no reason

its waking up and knowing a day is going to be wasted

its life happening without you making it

it’s putting your body through sleepless experiments to carve out joy

it’s forgetting your body isn’t just the place your brain inhabits

it’s when you forget about the spirit living inside that body

it’s where you give up
so you can actually start

>>15772299
Try actually reading short stories instead of listening to self-published vanity authors tell you how you should and should not write. Let me tell you something. Once you get the grammar down pat, there are no rules. That's what feeds creativity and innovation. The greatest short story writers of all time are exactly that because they did not adhere to structural norms.

>>15772319
Why are you asking for criticism here if you think you're better than everyone? You have nothing to learn then

>>15772301
I don't think your piece is awful, I read it myself. You obviously have some talent, but there's some work to do, too. I haven't offered any criticism so far, just responding to your replies to others, but I have read plenty of short stories from diverse writers. It just needs some tweaking- the story could use some subtlety and perhaps less dialogue, as it reads more like a screenplay at the minute.

>>15772319
unironically ngmi

>>15772312
I'm not trying to shock anyone with anything, you fucking moron. I'm taking the piss and you are proving my point. My God, what an idiot you are! Who finds the word faggot shocking anymore? You are way over thinking a short story called A Day in the Life of Fisherfolk, that literally makes zero sense whatsoever. And it's still probably better than most things your basic ass has ever attempted to write. Go fucking cry.

>>15772313
>"illumed" seems a bit clunky and incorrect, maybe "illumined"
>the last line is really neat and tidy but the overall poem is lacking. Stop using awkward sentences like "did lash and prove" just say "lashed and proved"
>>15772314
Does this really need line breaks with every line? What are you going for there?

>>15772330
Thank you. THIS is constructive criticism that can lead to the betterment of a piece of writing. I appreciate your feedback.

>>15772344
>the only reply that gave almost no criticism or ways to improve my story is the only constructive one

>>15772324
Because I know I have tons to learn, but the criticism people give to genuinely good writing in these threads as opposed to what is blatantly terrible is extremely unbalanced. Until the poster below you, not a single piece of constructive criticism was given to me.

>>15772344
so it only leads to 'betterment' if it sucks your dick? wew

>>15772348
>use more subtlety
>use less dialogue
>reads like a screenplay rather than a short story

That's constructive advice relevant to the quality of the piece.

>>15772354
>Because I know how to spout and accept platitudes about humility, but otherwise only want praise.

>>15772354
If you start sperging out every time someone says a word of hurtfulness on the internet and take it personally, I don't know how you're gonna keep writing. When you throw a tantrum like this, it just makes people want to shit on you harder, especially when you imply yourself to be in possession of some "genuinely good writing." Your words, not mine.

>>15772060
>Does anyone have work in the quarterly or something?

Actually yes one does, but I don't want to dox him here so email me.

BTW the sperg who was slandering us is the same guy currently having a mental breakdown in real time ITT, so let that sink in.

>>15772341
Thank you for your critique. When I get home I'll give yours an in-depth one. I agree "lashed and proved" works better, which should have been obvious really; what else makes the poem feel lacking to you? How else do you advise I go about improving it?

>>15772369
Look, I’ll admit some of the criticism you got was basically along the lines of re writing your story which isn’t helpful, but a good chunk of people gave actual advice you threw a fucking tantrum at.
>reads like a screenplay
>be more subtle
>bad dialogue
Are just general things that don’t give you ways to improve your work at all and are the only reason you’re taking that reply as constructive criticism.

>>15772385
>Actually yes one does, but I don't want to dox him here so email me.
That's fine, I'll take your word for it. I don't have work in the thread but >>15772300 is my critique.

>>15772395
All right, you seem pretty insightful. Shoot me a message.

>>15772313
Unlike the other anon I prefer "did lash", as it retains the structure. They probably don't realise you're writing in iambic pentameter and need to open with a short syllable. Great job, anon.

>>15772391
I've addressed individual examples of poor advice from people who do not even know how to properly utilize the English language just to shine a light on how useless these threads are if you're a writer of even half-baked quality.

>>15772421
You will never get anything more out of these threads. Pay for a professional editor

>>15772391
>re writing your story which isn’t helpful
I don't know about that, chief

>>15772436
literally this. Or a tranny prostitute, since he clearly just wants his dick sucked by fags

>>15772341

This is quite bad. You are using way too many corny descriptive words for such a short uneventful piece.

The Boy

Burning in the chambers, tar smoke fills our lungs.
I don't know what the matter is with you boy.
I am heading to the promised opium pod,
where tubes will fill me as I gasp to the otherside.
And you will always have coding if things bring you down.
Do you know what DMT is?
I've been searching for the Northern Irish dream in colleges.

You've been searching for love for England.
You're so lovely, you have your mother's face.
My readings say to betray you outright and take all that can be got.
But I feel alive right now.
Society will see the best of us, under the brutal heat of the sun.
You don't need a speech or a push.
Just failure, eventually it will be numb and you'll be harder.
Then there will only be bliss.
Good luck, boy with the lovely face

Needs improvement with word choice, I prioritize idea to form.
-


Escapes of pattern
The untouched rattler
The hidden mouth that feeds on the without
The touring voices that feed the hoarse
Without source

Kept tethered by the forms out of sight
Borrowed needs keep the days going into the night
Paid back, with a debt in tow or close by
Emanating an idea that holds its own life

Little lights in our hands,
the minds they hold and remember we forget
Forming up toward a shape of something realized
More with a need to keep building off a constructed place
Still held by rattling that lives beneath the day

>>15772560
There's no flow or lyricism to this. It's jolting and artless. I don't pretend to care or know very much about poetry, but I know a little and care a lot about beauty in the written word. You might be saying something interesting here, but you're not saying it interestingly.

>>15772577
>touring voices that feed the hoarse
Would be better
>touring voices that feed the hoarseness

>yande(x)re hapa attempting to appear aloof and detached and sounding as shrill as ever
>some retard that hasn't critiqued anyone just lashing out at every fair criticism he receives
>thinks the one person that gave him zero feedback was actually the most helpful response
>more terrible poetry
well this is my third or fourth of these generals and I'm about to hit the eject button. What a waste of what could have been a neat general.

>>15772702
>metacommentary
>projecting out his ass
>doesn't submit writing or critique
>threatening to leave like a little bitch

nooooo please don't go! please stay! stoooooop

The suburbs, the perennial mainstay of all the West, lie in repose. It is well known, to those perceptive enough, that a great struggle session, of the residents own doing repeats itself each night. From banal marriage fights to perspirative teenage snogs, someone is guilty of something. There are no agents, insinuators or mediators in these sessions. Only, after the deeds have been completed and each resident, young and old awaken to the unchanging street, neighbour and home do they feel some ambiguous compunction. Only eternal sameness exposes the most banal of sins.

>>15772752
hes not wrong

>>15772702
>implying the supreme gentleman isn't /lit/

>>15772702
>could have been a neat general
So you learnt about 4chan two weeks ago? These threads have been here for years. Fuck off, newfag.

>>15772853
He isn't. He couldn't write for shit.

>>15772400
I'll send two things I recently put in crit threads later.

>>15772702
The quality comes and goes in waves, as does people's need for critique. Critique is only useful in an episodic kind of way, just be deliberately transient and you'll appreciate the threads more.

>>15771974

I like this. Just the face that two sentences open with 'and' irks me, they can be removed.
Also how do you see villages outside? Does he live on a mountaintop? I see the village outside might be better.

>>15772762
>It is well known, to those perceptive enough, that a great struggle session, of the residents own doing repeats itself each night.
i really don't like this sentence much. "struggle session" is a pretty obtuse turn of phrase and doesn't have much to it otherwise. the grammar is also poor and not indicative of the way it should be read, ie:
> that a great struggle session, of the residents own doing repeats itself each night
to
>that a great struggle session, of the residents' own doing, repeats itself each night
don't be afraid of commas. or apostrophes. or proofreading. also you use "banal" twice within four sentences. that's at least five kinds of fucked.

>>15773420
Your fix only made things worse. There shouldn't be a comma after session at all. Refrain from giving criticism if you don't know the rules yourself.

>Your fix only made things worse. There shouldn't be a comma after session at all. Refrain from giving criticism if you don't know the rules yourself.

>>15772313
I personally think this is fantastic. The metre is impeccable and it's a real pleasure to read. I would suggest two edits- change the "did lash" line, while maintaining iambic pentameter. I also felt that "frozen food" was too modern an image for what is a really timeless concept- perhaps you could think of a suitable replacement.

Overall, though, great job anon. Spenserian Stanzas haven't been used in what, 200 years? It's harder than a standard sonnet for sure.

>>15771974
>>15772313
Both kino

>>15772186
Gave me a chuckle

Nothing else of note in this thread.

Oh, I just understood something from >>15762484/>>15767171

>these days being more like the ones after the days before it
You mean meeting a prediction of some kind, like a yesterday's-tomorrow thing. I would understand the figure of speech more easily that way; right now you're just using days/ones/days instead.

>>15773698
>Your fix only made things worse.
I prefer yours to his (not that I'm OP), but all he's suggesting is adding an extra parentheses to complete the pair rather than removing the extra. Both is still better than neither.

>>15768300
Gonna bump this. I did multiple critiques in the last thread and one in this thread. I deserve a critique.

>>15774607
I liked that one, didn’t this get posted last week or something?
The groundskeeper reciprocating the narrator was a crux to this, and you did a good job illustrating the damning nature of the groundskeeper’s anus and farts and shit against the buried speaker. The ending was an unexpected turn.

On that note, the bit about the abandoned cabin is a nice compliment to everything else. I struggle to think of other examples of things to include alongside the rest of the piece that wouldn’t be unnecessary, but I liked the grander sense that this aside provided, perhaps there are some other ways to invoke this feeling in some other places of this piece. There could surely stand to be some other places to compliment the main sequence with something in the peripheral or more.

>>15774570
That’s good critique, others too. These threads are good for exercises, some have more substance than others and some have more practice of technique than others. The main effort was to have the narration talking to the ambiguous character to some degree, and working with attaining a direction from directionlessness.

>>15768300
>I never go to cemeteries. Nobody in my family can afford a casket. Besides that, they depress me.
If the ambiguity of "they" in the third line is deliberate, this humor is pretty stale. It might be worthwhile to have it that way, I'm just letting you know how I see the opening.

>And my gluttony was now straining against my quivering sphincter like hot magma as I sped down the secluded backroad that led to my home.
Somehow the magma/sphincter thing feels cliche to me, and this is really just shock value/a disgust spike.

>river
I feel like this isn't super necessary, I figured this would just happen between the paragraphs.

>"GraAAAaaaaAAAGHGGHghhh!" I screamed. "grrrraaaaaaaAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!"
>My world went black - my corporal body dissolved into an empty void with nothing but flecks of light for company.
Yeah these paragraphs really don't look necessary. I know he's going to go take a big nasty shit anon. I don't need a taste, not unless you can be particularly cheeky. This is less like comedic melodrama and more like someone presenting melodrama's stereotype.

>I seemed to have awakened into a new world.
Yeah almost as if you're going through an abrupt genre change exactly here. And now I wonder: was this on the nose, or unintentional?

>short sentences sound anxious right?
Not necessarily

>inky
Yeah I figured you were gas station guy, I already know I'll see this word twice.

>dialogue
this is genuinely funny

>I glanced behind me: it was an open grave!
"Wow Mrs Frizzle!" This has been getting better but fuck this line specifically.

>the horror is the graveskeeper taking a shit, and not the ambiguity of the dirt the man is getting buried in possibly being his own feces
I think this piece would benefit generally from being more laissez faire, not just at the start but at the end, where you can capitalize on that guilty "I just shit on an ancient indian burial ground" wendigo fear more directly that way.

Final image is nice.

My consensus is that it's pretty okay but you painted with a stick of shit hoping to accentuate things only to end up interfering. I'm sure someone could make a pretty good painting out of period blood but it's not always better for me to notice.

SEO word soup has literary qualities. A brain in a vat is installed with a frantic, animal urge for SEX. No understanding of SEX, no understanding of anything whatsoever, just isolated, blind desire. It is throbbing and quivering but it cannot move. Its consciousness is so sodden with want that it can't introspect. It is paralyzed with inability to sate its thirst for SEX. Its internal monologue is saturated and incessant. Its torment is absolute and unyielding. It has no capacity for anything but SEX SEX NOW SEX SEX NOW SEX NOW. It is given knowledge of a grab bag of unevenly specific words. It is hooked up to a keyboard.

nude xxx sex live porno cams FREE hot amateur sex cams novelty stream 18+ LIVE gay chat PORNO live adult 18+ local sex uncensored hand job Orgasm cams strip Cialis Cialis nude XXX 100% sex chat ADULT xxx novelty porno chat stream nude free chat hot rim job sex hand job sex CLICK HERE FREE    strip cams sex nude chat xxx live adult Orgasm novelty hand job stream sex chat 18+ legal cams FREE sex

This is as much of a short story as I have so far. I hope to finish it by the 6th.
https://pastebin.com/jUx01WUm

>>15768300
You hit the comedy bit just fine. It's not my cup of tea unfortunately, but it was funny, and the fact that I got the humor and found it good when it wasn't something I'd exactly read means that you're probably hitting your nail on the head for your audience.
>>15770309
I actually love how this reads. I think you could stand to throw just a little more detail into everything that you say, but as of right now this reads very directly. Some might say it feels dry, but when I read enough purple stuff, this feels refreshing.
>>15771699
Second sentence of the king's diary was tiresome to read, maybe rearrange it. Otherwise, neat opening, I think it's charming enough to not need that firm grip like others have. Curious to see where this leads.

>>15774996
one of the better attempts in this thread

>>15775109
>>15770309

I really appreciate the feedback. It was a struggle figuring out how much visual description to incorporate because the intent was to create something quite short that would present one stark, singular idea. But I will definitely play around with it and see if I can add a little meat.

I etched my pencil mustache a bit, slicked back my hair, tightened my bow tie—black, on a white vest, naturally—and then exited my automobile. It was a fancy place, but I was a regular here: La Merde Du Matin. I think I pronounce it right. As I walked in I waved to the receptionist, who already had a table ready for me down the bar's length, and so I walked right down and took my seat as she followed with a menu for me. I stuck my lip and hand out a bit, waving the menu away. "I already know what I would like," I said. "One black turd, please."

The chef brought it to me personally. He was a good friend of mine, but he always refused to speak until you took the first bite, silly dog. I undid my napkin, taking the utensils out and cutting off a tiny slice. It was simply delicious. "What is this?" I asked. "A twenty-fifteen?"

"A twenty-seventeen," he replied.

"Wow! So young, and yet so tasty. I will simply have to order some pee."

"Fresh, or aged?"

"Oh, fresh. You know I like contrasting things."

We had a little laugh and then I waved him off with a ta-ta. He is a culinary relic; where he walks, shit is not far behind. But, at the end of the hallway, I suddenly saw the front door shattering and the chef promptly collapsing to the ground. Two filthy vagabonds rushed in. Dumbly, I approached them.

"This is a fine establishment!" I shouted. "What are you doing?"

Only once I was close, did I see the red of my friend's blood. There was a small hole in his back. The vagabonds unveiled weaponry; each held a small firearm, and one a leathery bag. I could see the man shaking his bag at me, shouting as I looked into the sallow yellowness of his runny eyes. I knew what this look was: poop addiction.

"Put the poop in the bag! Put the poop in the bag!" the man shouted.

"I don't work here I'm just eating!"

"Sit down, sit down now!"

I cowered, but in my cowardice felt shame. It was not just my friend who I had failed; it was these two young boys, each not so different from me, a wealthy elite. I was all they had ever wanted to be in life. Solemnly, I put my hand onto the bag, and climbed inside. Through earnest tears I said, "If you want the poop, you'll have to kill me."

I heard one man clack his firearm and then say "Man, this guy is so full of—" but luckily the police handled everything.

>>15775211
Lmao

THE RELAPSE
Gargling the gurgles as he guzzles towards the blackness
Brandishing the glass amidst his struggles for the last sip
the act of moderation is a passion he's enacted
In the past but he's in trouble he feels comfortable in ashes
Open up the levies and dams
He's ready to dance
With every aggression and every advance
Steadies his hands betting there be no better man
No other soul bold enough to strike up the band

>>15775449
>"Put the poop in the bag! Put the poop in the bag!"
Kek

>>15770530
>friend gets brutally murdered
>"it was less fun for me than for Drake now - for better or worse"
haha holy shit. What a steaming pile!

>>15770483
>scorching glance
nah man, that just doesn't feel right. I don't think I've never seen a scorching glance in my life, the word scorching can't apply to something like that. That's like saying a glance can hammer or pound, these are all too heavy of words. You hear pierce and icy because they are subtle and quick and such.
And the other anon was right, this dialogue is just really unrealistic.

https://pastebin.com/jUx01WUm

>>15775911
How many more times are you going to post this drivel? Give it up already.

>>15775973

>>15775449
>There was a small hole in his back.
backside

>>15774996
coomers actually think like this

>>15775911
Have you ever heard the term fiery gaze? And you're obviously a really stupid reader if you think the dialogue, or any aspect of the story at all, is realistic in any way.

>>15775911
Can you imagine someone gives you such a look that your cheeks flare up? That could be called a 'scorching glance'. Have some imagination.

>>15775780
Yeah, because it was such a believable and emotive story to begin with, right? lol

>>15776333
>this amount of cope
if you have to explain it this much it doesn't work.
you're just a bad writer and you always will be

>>15776360
No, it's actually because this board is so full of retards who have read at most a dozen books in their lives. I mean, look at this shit.

>>15776360
You cannot read that story and find in it anywhere anything that is not glaringly unrealistic, either in its language or plot. If you're so retarded that you read it believably, you have issues processing narrative.

>>15776390
Then why are you here asking for advice, if you're so much better than all of us?
Go find a professional editor and stop begging and choosing.

>>15776333
Word salad is word salad... imagination has nothing to do with it

>>15776486
You should look up the meaning of the phrase word salad before you continue to make yourself look increasingly retarded.

>>15776411
Because I was over-optimistic about these boards and thought they attracted generally more intelligent, creative people. I was clearly wrong.

>>15776486
you probably wouldn't like nabokov

>>15776533
Word salad is combining 'difficult sounding' words to make your writing look smart, when in reality the words make no sense together
i.e. what you did above

>>15776549
I love nabokov. He is a real writer and not a thesaurus bashing idiot.
Never compare yourself to him again, it is beyond cringe.

>>15770309
I really like what’s being written, but you should definitely have variation in the length of sentences, just to spice it up :).

Just to give a bit of context

This comes from an Avatar: the last air bender fan fiction that I’m currently working on, and is a complete rewrite of the story of the avatar after Aang. It’s going to be an epic poem about her journey and finding her place in the universe. In this piece which I have selected for you, the king of Ba Sing Se has declared himself as a sort of emissary of the spirit world, similar to the pope. The earth kingdom has expanded greatly under his rule, and does so “in the will of the spirits”. Korra has liberated many of the villages that the king had attempted to rule over, and as a result received a letter from her asking for Korras submission and support. This is her reply.

1/2
I, under guidance from those who came before me, Korra, of the great southern kingdom, give thusly these words and commands. This is a version to be read to the king of ba sing se, that he may know and give credence to, in the earth tongue, what has been written. After seeking council with your lords and officers, you have found it fitting to write a petition asking for my submission and subordination, which has been sent from your emissaries. It has been heard. Should he return with his own report, thou, who art the great king, together with all of the lords, come in person to me and lay down your false title. At that time, I shall recognize your humility, and pronounce thee to the four nations as a false prophet. In the words of your emissary, it has been written that thou hast offered prayer and supplication, that I might find a good entry into spiritual purity. These words of thine, I have not understood. From other words which thou hast sent me, “I am surprised that you have laid waste my men at the Ungzin and Fuecang provinces, tell us to what fault you have with them.” These words of thine, I have also not understood. I, acting as the great ambassador, have slain and annihilated these wicked men, for they have neither adhered to me nor to the spirits, both of whom have been sent to make known the balance of the world. They would not hear these warnings, and continued forcing their will onto the people which they claimed subject over. Like thy words, they too were impudent. They WERE proud, and they slew our messenger emissaries. How could anyone seize or kill your officers and be contrary to the balance of the world?

>>15776569
2/2
Though thou likewise sayest that I should tremble beneath you and worship your prophecies. You say “I am the emissary of the spirits, I pray to them and arraign others in accordance to their will” How knowest thou what is pleasing to the unformed, and how dost thou know that thy words are with their sanction? How can you know such mysteries and not succumb to the madness of the spirits, as men other than thou hast done before? As the sun rises and goes over the world, all of the lands have been liberated under my command. How can one do this contrary to the spirit’s will? Now you should say, within your crooked walls, “I shall come off this liar’s throne and become humble under your will”. Thou, thyself at the head of all of the monarchs who hold titles in the earth kingdom, shall come at once to relinquish your stolen lands and to wait upon us. At that time, I shall recognize your submission. If you do not observe the spirit’s command and if you ignore my command, I shall know you as my enemy. In such wise, I shall make you understand. If you do otherwise, the spirits know what I know...

>>15776555
word salad is verbal manifestation of a neurological condition that's usually associated with schizophrenia, you moron. You can't just create your own definitions for things. Now fuck off.

>>15776567
You obviously haven't read much Nabokov then, scamp, because he would literally use as adjectives words including nouns that would make no sense in the context of the sentence. You need to read some books.

>>15776653
I've read his entire ouvre. You aren't even on the same level as a regular hack author let alone Nabokov.
You're never going to publish a single book and you will end up blaming the world for your own faults.

>>15776333
Ah you're right. Didn't think of it that way, my bad.
>>15776323
My want for realism is just a preference like anything else.

>>15776569
>>15776591

Using archaic language doesn't make something epic.
Epic stories were written in archaic times, when these expressions were the norm.

>>15776757
Well this is just the letter as the first draft, without the application of the meter I have set for it. It’s not going in the final version, obviously. That being said, did you like it? I wanted to it to be intimidating without sounding like a try hard, do you think I did a good job?

>>15770309
Don't you get tired of posting this crap? Do you take months to write a single page?

>>15774863
>This is less like comedic melodrama and more like someone presenting melodrama's stereotype.
Could you clarify this a bit more?
>Yeah almost as if you're going through an abrupt genre change exactly here. And now I wonder: was this on the nose, or unintentional?
Yeah, that was unintentional. It was meant to reinforce the absurd metaphor of being born again while taking a shit. Aside: did you really not like the paragraph about floating in a formless void? Obviously this wasn't meant to be taken too seriously, but I was quite proud of the line about "testing new formations with blind curiosity."

>>15777220
>Could you clarify this a bit more?
I mean it sounds less like I'm looking at melodrama, and more at an actor attempting to imitate it. Have you ever heard a joke, and been able to identify it was a joke quicker than why it was funny? It's that sort of feeling, a forced thing.

>>15775109
eeeeeyuuuuuuuh
can I have a
crit pls???
https://youtu.be/CF72-ECfvwg

>>15776660
But I already have published a book.

>>15768119
https://pastebin.com/giHkZjgZ

>>15775911
>I don't think I've never seen a scorching glance in my life, the word scorching can't apply to something like that. That's like saying a glance can hammer or pound, these are all too heavy of words. You hear pierce and icy because they are subtle and quick and such.
Do you not look people in the eyes for prolonged periods of time?

>>15776486
I wouldn't call it word salad that with how few words you're referring to.

>>15776643
>word salad is verbal manifestation of a neurological condition that's usually associated with schizophrenia, you moron.
I was told by a professor once that Dreyfus invented this term.

>writing a neurological schizo line right after anon described word salad as "combining difficult sounding words to make your writing look smart" in >>15776555

>>15778023
>that with
with

>>15772339
cope

>>15772534
I think the fact it was a JOKE flew over your head. It was basically a greentext when I first wrote it.

>>15774996
Fantastic

>>15778023
I think it's just a personal thing on my part. Totally subjective, scorch doesn't seem like a right word. But I already admitted my fault here >>15776661

>>15776345
>the story was SUPPOSED to be hot garbage dude, YOU'RE the idiot
nice cope

>>15778422
Why do people have to get so fucking defensive? Try to develop a little bit of authentic confidence. Without that confidence you're never going to be able to make reasonable judgments on the merits of your own writing.

>>15779212
Whenever you see that weird indent and spacing don't bother replying. It's just one sperg who doesn't even learn from critique.

>>15778023
If only you spent as much effort on your crap writing as you do in here pretending to be a hot shot.
Dunning Krueger has never applied so accurately.

>>15779332
How much spacing or indent am I supposed to use? It's probably the first time I've used Publisher too so idk what you're talking about.

>>15779632
if you use indent then use single line spacing
but manuscript format just looks like shit in general and it's only boomers that prefer reading it because they print shit out instead of just looking at their fucking monitor

>>15779679
Thanks bud. I'm not this fag btw, >>15770483

I just didn't set my spacing properly.

>>15779775
Ok no problem
Sorry for mixing you up with that retard. I read your story again and it has merit. The 'comic book' words are a little much, but the rest as a Confederate of Dunces vibe.

>>15779796
I was just reading it! Thanks for letting me know it was wearing off on me. I think I didn't realise you could be funny af as a writer like Toole (although I'm nowhere near that yet, I just wanted to be more comedic than usual)

>>15778422
No, I got that it was a joke. The substance of the story is not my issue with it. Your control and understanding of language is very poor, and it reads very poorly.

>>15780530
Disagree. He is writing in a lucid stream style. You're looking for the wrong thing in his writing.

>>15770483 is infinitely better than than >>15772341

>>15780564
No, it isn't.
He knows what is entertaining, your shit is cringe.

1/2 how the fuck do you write dialogue?

2/2 these were posted out of order

>>15780632
Listen to conversations keenly

>>15780575
No, his is full of useless descriptive words and clunky, amateur sentence structure.

>>15780732
and it's still better than yours. what does that tell you?

>>15780564
>>15780732
Calling your own work "infinitely better" is nearly deluded. Go get medicated anon. I also wrote up mine in about 2 minutes, so that shows how much better I can do than you when you've likely slaved away at yours, which has been unanimously been called crap.

>>15780564
Not if you're specifically referring to the first page imo

>>15768169
shite

>>15780888
offer constructive criticism or fuck off

>>15770483
>capitalises half the "He" and "Said" because he can't go back and edit it properly.
And you still think you're hot shit. Jesus Christ you need some serious help, anon.

>>15772885
what font is this? its nice

A stream of thoughts laid down upon a digital page suspended in an electric hyperspace like construct manufactured by great man demons wallowing in dark forced of demonic energy. Here lays a twisted mind punished by sloth and fear loaded on fast highs brought about by the simulacrum of instant pleasures. Twisting, winging, through the passage of time, ever the hand of fate reaches into dark devilish depths to bring forth chaos into life. There is only one answer: Stare the beast down and permit it to only pass through and over you. You are water, changing and only shaped by the movement of the moon and the bowl in which you reside. AGAINST IT YOU STAND. Cries of anguish of love lost and memories that stab like a hot knife into the chest, reopening old wounds, the mind is sick and the flesh is fat. Poor in spirit is the man who lives in the past, poor in life is the man who does not overcome his tormentors; he is short lived. Goodbye.
Tomorrow promises nothing because of the works of today, there is no tomorrow there is only an infinite loop of flesh vs spirit in which you are only admitted a peek into. The reality is a strange place not understood by the likes of a hyper mandihyberian troll that walks upon hot sand or in lush fields of green fertilized by death.

>>15768119
So get this: I had a work in progress for a trap harem series, where the story is more about the harem and their personalities than the MC.
There are eight of them:
The tomboy(male)
The smart studious bookworm
The butt-monkey
The tsundere
The social wallflower
The deadpan snarker
The space case
The rich waka-sama
I was wondering if anyone is interested in reviewing their origin stories that I have saved in my clipboard. If not, that's fine. I just wanna see how far a niche subject can go.

Anon-omatopeia

Remember the night of the great golden frog
His vision foretold within quints that made quads
A glorious thread weaving multiple dubs
In Chains upon chains midst the tears and the hugs

The night's blessed 7s portended the zog
That all it's designs would yea come to naught
The night we were raided by demons and bots
In the form of the onions and the fag and the thot

For all of these night's we shan't yet forget
For we've archived the data and captured the gets
We've amassed us a priesthood of warriors and plebs
And summoned a God from the deepest of depths


Anon-omatopeia that speaks for itself
The chortle of laughter in moments unbest
The powerful trembled, the innocent wept
For the glorious stature of almighty KEK!

Psycho path into the black
Where hangman’s noose is without slack
And mounds of all mine empty flasks
Are dripping tears in which I bask

Where all has not yet come to pass
Yet there I feel my time has past
And so depraved I claim a fast
Psycho path into the black

Psycho path into the black
Where shadows fall beneath the mask
And drown them with a flooding cask
And fall on knees beneath the mass

Where devils preach and grief is racked
I’ll flagellate my broken back
For days approach when first is last
Psycho Path into the black

>>15781425
based

Can someone help me with this piece? I posted it on an earlier crit thread and it got trashed and I tried to improve it but it got trashed again. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I tried to follow the advice but I just don't seem to be getting it. Should I just give up on this one?

https://pastebin.com/XF0fZMRM

>>15781628
Depends, what was some of the previous critique? I see a few things that could use some work but I don't want to repeat what you've already heard.

>>15782075
iirc there was some stuff about sentence structure and awkward phrasing/rhythm. There was also a comment about mismatched tone (which I tried to fix by removing a lot of the elevated diction).

>>15781628
You should end the first paragraph's last line on the worm dying. You're already talking about breaths, just remark that she stomped the last one out of him in some way. You didn't properly crush the thought that this was just a hypothetical worm she was conjuring. You even start with "a worm" abstractly.

>Its lymph and ichor stained her boots and sword.
So this thing is giant? I feel like I keep having to reset everything.

>hoof-print
I even considered the character might have been a centaur here or something. The order you build images doesn't grant confidence.

>Returning to the dead worm and plucked out its eight blind eyes, and stuffed them into a sack.
This isn't a sentence, you changed something or split this off from the last line I assume and didn't correct this one.

>worm with eyes
>burrowing creature
I hate to critique fantasy biology but what's the point? Although I guess there are also reasons for why worms aren't large things. More importantly, I'm still not sure your MC isn't a centaur by here. It's not until...

>Her horse awaited her
...here.

>softcore pornography
>ooh I'm gonna swing my slimy hips around while I mount my horse and carry this big sack of round things, specifically worm's eyes
>ooh hopefully nothing bad happens before I'm married
>ooh I cum a little every time my clothes touch me
>ooh I'm going to wave hello to chekhov's ugly guy
if you insist

>porcelain cliche gets used
>but to describe the prince
okay?

On the contrary it does look overedited in a way. If you see crit as cheat codes or rules by which you can abide and suddenly make something great, you're going to have a bad time. That's just not what crit is in the first place.

>>15781628
>>15782120
Oh, and a specific point I wanted to make:

>It ran like rainwater gathered in a heavy hoof-print.
Look at the verbs in this line. Something is running the way another thing... ran, or gathered? When I ask myself why you didn't just write "It ran like rainwater into a heavy hoof-print" the only conclusion I can devise is that the rain showed too much or something, and you wanted to hedge away—in which case, you should have just compared to a different thing. Where possible use one strike.

>>15781628
Not unsalvageable, but your dialogue is really flat and many of the descriptions are inane and/or gratuitous as >>15782120 pointed out

Looking for any thoughts on this piece of mine, meant to function as either a short story or a flashback scene in a novel: https://pastebin.com/Qs88fhVG

>>15780632
Read more books. Once you find an author you really enjoy mimic their dialogue style until you form your own

>>15777449

>>15780689
Absolutely, and I'd recommend watching videos of people just speaking normally - i.e. not acting

I'll dump the tomboy's origin for incentive.
As a young child, Tomboy-chan loved to run. He was never one to take things slow, as he would eat briskly, brush his teeth hastily, and even sleep for five hours on end, tops. His love for American comic book heroes like the Flash only fueled his need for speed. However, his feeling of freedom when he could run on a nice stretch if land was his favorite. One day, as he ran in cargo shorts, he noticed he was chafing, and for a brief while, thought nothing of it. The urge to take off his pants intensified over time, as running in restrictive clothing irritated him so. He had an idea, a really messed up idea, but one nonetheless. A clothing store nearby had the perfect pair of unrestrictive clothing to fit his short slender frame: a pair of panties with a loose fitting skirt. He snuck into the fitting room and tried them on. It was a match made in heaven for him. He paid the cashier with his allowance and bolted out the door. This feeling of unrestrictive freedom, the wind in his short carrot hair, the skirt billowing as his legs lifted up the sides further with each step, this was euphoria! "Screw 'home'!", he thought as he ran like a demon out of hell. "I am already at home.".

ok blooptity blop a zoop zop zop zeepda roop fleepa good sheepa moop deepa reeba heeba gobbilty glip glop i zop pop rop gibba gibba hibba bib booby boob roob goob noob doob ploob rackletycrackity mick mak mak mooooop mopper moooooop GOOOOOOOP if he doesnt zop he aint gonna glop froop fop pop

>>15781460
Eh as a song it could work. Poetically it's pretty bankrupt. Also poetry is nearly impossible to critique other than
>it's good, I liked it
>it sucked
I wish people would stop posting it, unironically. I guess it bumps the thread.

>>15782271
>>15782154
>>15782120
So what can I do to fix it? (the more subtle stuff I mean, the grammar errors I can take care off easily)

Also what does this mean?
>ooh I'm going to wave hello to chekhov's ugly guy

And this
>ooh I cum a little every time my clothes touch me

And also what did you mean by this?
>>porcelain cliche gets used
>>but to describe the prince
>okay?

Finally what does this mean?
>your dialogue is really flat

What does round(?) dialogue look like?

Thanks, appreciate the crit.

>>15781628
I remember this, why was it trashed?
And I see the longing after the prince as a consistent strong, but what else is in the works behind this piece? Everything other than The Prince wasn’t exactly clear and if some other things were fleshed out it could bring more color to it.

>>15782420
Flat meaning somewhat boring and stilted, and also old-timey in a way that feels cliche and forced. I think you do have some good descriptive passages here though, you just need to think more carefully sometimes about whether your descriptions will make sense to the reader (this is something I had to learn and improve upon myself).

>>15782510
>Flat meaning somewhat boring and stilted, and also old-timey in a way that feels cliche and forced.
What would be a good model to study to avoid this?

>>15781259
>>15782357
Yea go for it

>>15782522
I'm not really sure what good dialogue is in the context of the genre you're writing in. In general, I try to ask myself "would somebody actually say this in this situation?" Like really try to imagine how someone would form their sentences for real if what you're imagining was actually happening.

>>15782594
>I try to ask myself "would somebody actually say this in this situation?" Like really try to imagine how someone would form their sentences for real if what you're imagining was actually happening.
I don't understand. I thought that's what I was doing...
Is there some other way they would have spoken?

>>15782420
>porcelain
it's just a known-to-be-tacky word to describe women's skin with

> every time my clothes touch me
as in you have clothes etc brush her to talk about her body etc

> chekhov's ugly guy
As in checkov's gun, the tool on the wall which you know via it's introduction, must be used, except it's some ugly guy. Which isn't to say it's better things go unused, but I don't have a long list of predictions here.

also not me but
>flat
Look up the flowerstore scene from The Room if you want to see totally flat dialogue.

>>15782526
I mean, I am happy to oblige, but given the subject matter, are you sure it's not too cringy for here?

>>15782624
I'm just thinking of lines like "so then, farewell" and "for the Prince himself wishes to give it to you." These just sound like NPC dialogue to me, not like real people. Try and show more individuality/personality in the characters through their dialogue, I would say.

>>15781628
I liked it, but that may be because I'm so stoked to see a fantasy story in this sea of god awful poetry and uninteresting, self-indulgent word salads. Could it use work? Certainly. Your dialogue needs to be a little more clever. It doesn't need to blow my mind but right now it's really flat, which is to say it doesn't illustrate the personality of the character speaking. Dialogue is a strong vehicle to accomplish showing your reader who your character is. Her inner monologue is nice, if a little cliche, but build on that. Write down what Hilda likes to eat, how she relaxes, how she would react to someone insulting her, someone complimenting her. Don't necessarily do this in the actual story but do it for yourself, it will help you to visualize your character while you write her. I would do this with all your main characters.
Other than all of that, take a little more care with setting your scenes. It's important to leave some things to the reader's imagination but at least give them the bones. I encourage you to not edit too ferociously and just get more of the story down. I would read more. Good job, and thanks for posting

>>15782691
>word salads
It's more of a duct-tape and glue thing to me, like the structures from KND. Not that this word being a threadly meme is lost on me.

>>15782636
Oh thanks for the clarification.

>Look up the flowerstore scene from The Room if you want to see totally flat dialogue.

I'm not sure how that would help. I was looking more a model of dialogue that's not flat (round?) that I could study.

Thanks again, I'll take a look at your work if you've posted it.

>>15782681
Hmm, but how I else would I express those two thoughts? Sorry, I'm really not getting how I can change it to be more "round".

Helpes
https://pastebin.com/jUx01WUm

>>15782826
just went up to "My name is Samuel,” this is pretty nice

Dumping the second part, I guess.
Prez-kun always had good grades. He was as studious as he was smart. Pretty much a role model for the student body. However, what he had mentally, he lacked physically. One day in P.E. class, he finished last in the pull up bar activity the class was doing. The coach jokingly said "Maybe you should have been born a girl (LOL)." Not one to be undone or outdone, Prez-kun saw this as a challenge. That night, he took his mother's old school uniform, and put it in his backpack, to change into it in the school bathroom the next day. He got looks of both lust and disgust, but he didn't care. He went to class, and carried on as he usually does. When P.E. came the coach pulled him aside and whispered "Please take those off.". Prez-kun shouted, so others can hear "You want me to take what off?". Coach says "Shhh!(LOL) You want me to get in trouble?" Prez-kun says "Oh no! You'll get in trouble for asking me to take off my clothes!?". The principal happened to walk by at that moment. Coach said "No, I said nothing! Never mind!". The principal, however, was having none of it, and had the police called in. As they cuffed him, the coach screeched "Hey! (LOL) you'll pay for this! I swear it!(LOL)". The principal offered Prez-kun a permanent position as head of school council in return for the trouble, and of course, he accepted. He did get a temp suspension and a strict scolding from his mother on not wearing his assigned uniform, but he was proud that he did justice to a scumbag like coach. Of course, he was welcomed back in school with open arms after it was up. His friend cracked a joke about it a week later, and promptly got hit across his head for it. Thus, Permanent Prez-kun was born.

>>15782826
Love the paragraph starting with "Alia was but a piece of metal shaving," cool descriptions, solid flow.

Couple of things don't make sense to me: Idk what "all movement of the music absolute of the piano" means. Also,"the needle plunged the foe through, fat to cuticle of the boy’s thumb." Did you mean something like "the needle plunged the foe through his fat, to the cuticle of the boy’s thumb"?

>>15782271
What's a fella gotta do to get a crit around here

>>15782870
thanks anon, have a pape

>>15782650
Well, that’s up to you to decide but I see your point, with the tomboy thing you just had you didn’t go super in depth about anything more than that single instance so it’s hard to say if that could be made into something more universal and not just some kid boy feeing euphoric for wearing panties, depends how it works out. But you typed enough for the other 7 to be of interest and I don’t see how those others would be inherently cringe or whatever

>>15782963
Thanks. that first quote just meant that his piano playing was solid, as if it were one single, absolute motion. And every movement he made had to be something absolute in nature, or else needle through finger time.
And on that second one, you were right. Needle went through the thumb.
I'll do you a crit real quick.

>>15782974
Thank you for your input. I could make a detailed biography about them sometime later, like background info, family, interests, etc. It'll take time. Like I said, it's a work in progress.

>>15782719
If you want more "round" dialogue I would suggest making what your characters say a bit less cliche.
"I shall prepare the medicine at once and the boy will live."
This is less of a line of dialogue and more a line of plot exposited through dialogue. The character is speaking as though it is something he has already done and it is purely event driven.
"So then, farewell," Is also stiff. It doesn't carry any of Hilda's character, which in this excerpt at least is a bit shallow and could use more growth and depth. Its also a very static thing to say to another person. Someone else mentioned it sounding like an npc phrase, and I agree with that. Something like "I'll be on my way," or, "I must go." Both of which are still bland, but more alive than "So then, farewell." Try to think of the structure grammatically if that helps. "So, then, farewell" Why say "so" at all instead of clipping the phrase down to only "farewell" for example. So what? Then what? Both words feel purposeless here, like they're filling a space instead of doing work required to push the narrative forward.
I don't want to get you to caught up on these two sentences but these are some examples of what the previous critique might be mentioning and why. Keep working on your story anon, and thanks for posting in the thread.

Eleven o'clock. Cheeky but feeble little wind breezed outside, attempting to penetrate a window. Gray, corpulent clouds sprawled, covering the sun. And soon, probably, those cloud will cry downwards its tears: quietly but lingeringly. Despite the reign of the spring, the day was one-coloured. Two individuals were in a room of a certain building: the boy and the girl. The boy was sitting at the old, wooden and scratched desk, whereas the girl was sitting at the new, polished desk.


>>15771974
I like it. It eminates some sort of nostalgia vibe.

>>15782271
>sterile breeze
I like this description, never seen a clever fan breeze description before
>watching as the sunset drew blood from the clouds.
another good description here
The dialogue is a little unrealistic but also I don't know the ages of the characters so it's hard to tell. But, the contrast between the high dialogue and nibbling on provolone is pretty nice, so it's a double edged thing you're holding.

>>15783160
Forgot to mention that it is unfinished, sorry for such a short piece.

>>15781460

Comes off more like a rap song or some punk song. Maybe put some breaks here and there so it doesn’t come off as sing-songy

“Resting alone in peace, always I return here

Equilibrium roars, illumination bleeds

Turning my eyes outward, ennui and suffering seeds

Thy contemplation maintain, nothing shall I ever fear

Simple always am I, Noema cannot draw near

Satisfaction Far, abominable needs

Lusting for boundless sight, clutching at prayer beeds


Taking retreat in spirit, unveil the supreme sphere

Insane Aporia, Sublime Diamond Wisdom

Indomitable Gem, perichoretic Face

Reflecting I and thou, I long for thy embrace

Hashem Tetragram, fourfold hidden aces

mahabhairav Palm, the eye of Great freedom

Synthesize all and not, Xeno secret spaces”

*AHEM*

**ting**ting**ting**

FUCK communists
FUCK niggers
FUCK jews
FUCK frontline healthcare workers
but most importantly of all.... FUCK JANNIES

A discord was made last thread for crits, so that users who want to keep up with each others work can do so more easily. And also, so that critting can be done on a more reliable basis.
https://discord.gg/aMFK88a

>>15782969
>>15782870 again
It took me a while to sort out what you were doing with her arms.

>While automations are not social beings, the social nature that can be spurred within them is that of a pleasurable addition, and much code has been generated to orchestrate as similar a flow to that of their human creators, albeit cautiously.
This is too much telling, this paragraph was a weak point.

>a hunched and leaning beast,
Sounds like an allusion to The Thinker? Tacky if intended but it's probably just me.

>fluid motion
if the double meaning here is deliberate that's very clever

>security system, or
remove this comma, I thought the conjunction linked back to earlier because of it

>dancing, tap dancing to be exact
I'm imagining some army colonel very seriously briefing me and then saying this. It doesn't sound right.

>golf swing
>gunshot
These feel like similar stories except someone aimed at a different body part, and we're more into Sam's perspective. Even the first section follows this kind of one-gunshot-per-climax rule I find repetitive.

Because in the first section you essentially wrote over Maxwell's backstory to make it Sam's, I didn't immediately register who Maxwell was later. It's hard to view them as separate. They even have similar names. I have a gap where Sam's head should be while Max is basically just a face. I'll post a pastebin link in a minute.

>>15783324
Thanks for the crit. Yeah, I need some clarity editing once this is all through, because the first section is not Maxwell at all, and I did nothing to show that. These heads-ups really help that along, thanks.

>>15783323
What's reliable about people with no writing ability critiquing others?
It's literally just a namefag hugbox

>>15783358
>because the first section is not Maxwell at all, and I did nothing to show that.
Oh, good. I didn't see the child as necessarily more than a one-off character in the first piece, anything in that part is fine.

https://pastebin.com/ZtFAccG0

Definitely might cut the first line. I'm also tempted to end on the protagonist's question as directly as you did. Might swap "blade" out for "arrowhead." There are other things I don't like.

Also it just dawned on me I don't like your title unless it has relevance in the long term.

>>15782719
the other reply is the other anon

>I'll take a look at your work if you've posted it.
>>15783890 is me

>>15783890
Yeah the relevance is the longterm thing not revealed yet. Also placeholder until it's finished, usually I end up finding a better title after I'm done anyway.
>Their culture was totally foreign to me, but to them I was an automaton beneath a clay face, but as one, I confess I felt at home in my own private way.
This could be rearranged to be easier to read.
The entire thing reads a little directly for my taste, but that lands in personal preference. You put some distant descriptions right in the middle of literal sounding prose, it contrasts very hard.
As one reads on it gets smoother though, although some of the dialogue language really contrasts with the tone you set initially. With some ironing out of the beginning I think this could be even more compelling to read.

>>15783964
>although some of the dialogue language really contrasts with the tone you set initially
Jackass was too much?

>>15783964
>just noticed I put "but" twice in that line before posting

>>15783984
Yeah a little. Maybe ease it in with something similar but lighter. Or give indication through the character's actions.

>>15783890
>>15783901
Have to agree with the other anon on awkward phrasing and mixing up levels of diction (the same problems I had). Sometimes this happens within a single sentence, like the jackass line. In other places there's a problem with excessive use of a particular phoneme. Like "The sun’s reaching rays were the creases, the mountain was the mouth’s opening. Stars could be seen on the lip’s meat" has too many "s" sounds jammed together. "mouth's" and "lip's" are just horrible words (phonetically speaking) imo.

buuuuuump
https://pastebin.com/jUx01WUm

>>15785418
>"if i post it again they won't think it's cringe this time"

https://pastebin.com/giHkZjgZ

Third character dumping.
For the longest time, no one cared what Cringe-kun said, not even himself. That is, until he met Prez-kun doing a study hall on a normal afternoon while doing afterschool chores. Cringe-kun comes up to him and makes a joke, saying "Why are you hitting the books when you could be hitting the hay at this time?". This caught the future perma prez off guard, as no one would have casually spoke to him, let alone have even approached him in such a manner. The joke however stirred up a feeling inside of him that he was familiar with from other people, but had never experienced himself. A positive feeling. For the first time in his life, Prez-kun laughed. HARD. No one but Cringe-kun was around to hear it, luckily for him. As he was done busting a gut at the delivery of his cohort's tomfoolery, Prez-kun calmly composed himself, cleared his throat, and promptly hit Cringe-kun on his head. "Jeez!" Cringe-kun said, as he rubbed the mark on his forehead barely covered by his blonde hair "What was that for?". "If you have time to make jokes, then you have time to keep cleaning. A student must be diligent, alert, and respectful at all times while on the premises." Prez-kun replied while returning to his book. "Yeah, yeah. I know." Cringe-kun reluctantly obliged. "However...I would not mind this kind of behavior, if it were off the premises." Prez-kun mentioned. Cringe-kun started to give a smile that exuded a level of smug that would make even Lupin red with envy. He had found his first true friend. About a month later, the school's coach was fired. He read about it in the newspaper, saw Prez-kun's name, and read about what he did. The moment he saw that suspension came with his actions, he put down the newspaper, and promptly went to his older sister's room, borrowed one of her wigs that she uses to perform heresy with, old school uniform, and makeup. He went ride or die in support of his fallen comrade...and got suspended, too. He was just happy to see Prez-kun greet him at the door after both of their suspensions are up. He was bonked on the head upon passing him. Neither exchanged a word as they walked to class. Neither needed to either, as they both knew what each other was thinking: "For the first time, I have a friend.".

https://pastebin.com/6HhdZ7cL

>>15785842
Wretch is not a verb. Tears don't run down eyes.
>wasent
>All manor
>these abominations disposition
Please do even a cursory proofread before posting. The grammatical errors are the absolute least of what's wrong with this, and nobody is going to want to take the time to critique something so carelessly rough.

Just started writing in english, i am italian.
Be harsh, i need it.
---------
When i woke up on that street i started wondering why I was so tired of my sleep.
No motors around, only me and the girl. In that exact moment I was just keep saying to myself why I was so stupid.
While I was on the floor, looking at clouds and deprecating myself, she was standing above me.
I could see her pants, but I didn’t get an hard-one because I simply hate every woman on this planet. Am I gay? Could the LGBT+ community appreciate me more than I appreciate women now?
“Yay...” she said, a plain grunt. Her voice made me realize I was on the floor for almost an entire 1/16 of an hour.

>>15787489
totally insipid and incel-core. Nothing about this excerpt moves my soul. Try writing outside the perspective of a teenage boy.

>>15787143
I could only read the first paragraph. It's laughably bad. It reads like the internal monologue of Stifler from American pie

>>15783208
Fuck jannies? You crossed a mother fuckin line

>>15787489
confusing but based

>>15787526
tourist

>>15768119

Clenched between two fluted calcite lips, puckered towards the salty brine

And suckled upon by ancient and blind-unknowing tongue

A silicon grain of irritation; sand which to the beast might otherwise feel like its forged daughter:

An edge of glass, reflecting clear and pure laceration

Dotted and dyed only with the impurities of a thousand prodding elements

And between that tongue and teeth, rolled perpetually against a nacre of smooth rainbow lip gloss

Each reflection of pain, refracted ad infinitum to sparkle

The expanded spectrum of grief, to annoyance, to beauty

Buddha's pearls may pray for salvation

But spit out one, and you can almost hear the oyster and the diver sing tandem

''Amen, amen, amen!'' and shed a salty tear

>>15781460
This poem does not have a center. It isn't located in time or space. There's absolutely nothing for the reader to grasp onto. Its modus operandi seems to be a blind gallop toward the end rhyme, with no thought for meaning, imagery, metaphor. Here's a hint for you: always put an anchor in your poem. Something to link the poem to a real emotion, a real-world situation that can be related. Title all your poems.

>>15787561
Trust me, guy, I'd rather be a tourist to Ethiopia than a resident. Same applies here

>>15787595
You’re from reddit?

>>15787678
Just came from your mom's house actually

>>15787721
Jokes on you
:) my mom lives on Reddit

>>15787435
thanks. What did you think of the general theme? or are the problems you found just totally ruin everything

>>15787489
actually interesting and funny, unlike most of the fucking trash in this thread

>>15787143
>I jerked my way back into the crowd, walking around like a floppy phallus.

>>15774996
bruh moment

>>15768119

Information Age

Big smiles on a tube in the water
No war too bad I don’t have internet,
Wishing maybe bubblegum for a quarter
Sighing deep my pup with beer on it.

Sun rays through the old shale’d trees
Fossilized in dumbness like the rest
Of us lazing down life in this breeze
While we don’t what is a poison test.

Too many days living without papers
Not reading because the almanac broke,
What’s the difference between olives and capers,
Half nutrition strawberries in a cooler to soak.

Is the world really broken when my skin burns,
My gut laughs at the dog, at the tube’s overturns?

pic rel

>>15787585
ill just pick out the words/phrases that sound weird to me:
>first line, "fluted," the "the" in the second phrase
>second, "sucked" would sound better, "blind-unknowing" is good but needs a different arrangement
>third, kinda wish the line was shorter
>fifth, "only"
>sixth, "that," maybe make it "between the" instead. "smooth" too but that's nitpicky.
>tenth, can would be better as could, change the oyster diver thing to "the oyster and diver"

overall: good with some impractical word choices.

>>15790931
first stanza: last two lines are strange, not because of commas but b/c it comes off as non-sequitur
second: "rays" sounds like a verb, not sure if intentional, i don't mind it but others might. "what is a poison test" has a thin logical connection to the previous metaphorical content.
third: "half nutrition strawberries," i don't think it sounds good. it might fuck up your metaphors, but what about this.
>half-bad nutrition strawberries, left in a cooler to soak
the problem word is half. it wants more syllables.
last: it comes off as odd. not sure what burning skin has to do with it. if i had to guess it's something about looking up medical advice online? seriously idk. the last line needs a "what" at the beginning for sure.

overall: weird syntax, some strange metaphors. the thing about allusions/references is that they have to function both ways, can't just be subtextual meanings like finnegans wake or someth. i wouldn't feel too bad about about it though.