/lit/ - Literature

Racial prejudices are responsible today for not only the turmoil that exists in social space but also the average American's breaking down sense of community

>>1575270
Fabulous!

>>1575278
funny

Sounds good to me, 'cept you don't need a dash between 'low' and 'socio'. Also, is it deteriorating the life of all American citizens, or just the poor ones; your thesis fails to make that clear. Also, don't say 'low socio-economic neighborhoods' when the word 'poor' will function just as well. Also, you repeat yourself. Also, is environmental racism affecting the poor or minorities or both (I really don't know, and your thesis doesn't make that clear).

Read this, and the whole guide, if you're up for it:
http://www.economist.com/research/styleguide/index.cfm?page=673899

Fuck it, I'll just rewrite it.
"American minorities are subject to environmental racism."

Bam.

>Environmental Racism

lolwat.

I don't like "deteriorating" as a verb, either. Just go with "diminishing".

>>1575270
is this really good?

>>1575270
>Racial prejudices are responsible today for not only the turmoil that exists in social space but also the average American's breaking down sense of community
vs.
>"American minorities are subject to environmental racism."
Man, we have different objectives in our prose.

>>1575250

I feel bad for your teacher who will not only have to read your awful "thesis statement", as I have just suffered through, but unlike me will then have to continue on and read the rest of what will likely be a similarly horrible paper. And in a punishment that is arguably even worse than reading your garbage in the first place he will be forced, by the obligation of his occupation, to give a serious assessment of your paper and offer a grade and "constructive criticism", as if it merits anything more than the attention required to lay on it a coiled log of steaming shit.

I was really hoping this thread would continue. I'll try take it somewhere.

>>1575289
>Is this good:
>"Racial prejudices are responsible today for not only the turmoil that exists in social space but also the average American's breaking down sense of community"

It fails to mention environmental racism, which I think is what the essay is supposed to about. It's better than mine in that it relates it to old fashioned racism. I don't like "social space," it sounds like jargon, and "breaking down sense" is a little awkward.

>>1575322
yeah i really just jumped in here

>>1575315
Can you please give me a good example. I want to improve. Just any. Thanks.

Environmental racism has caused extensive deterioration to minority communities, diminishing quality of life.

OP what's the content of the paper? Do you have three points or whatever. Generally it helps to write those first and then come back and polish the introduction.

>>1575315
holy shit dude, burn

>>1575338
you should strive for clarity in representing your ideas above fancy grammatical forms. i think that's the problem here (along with the fact that your use of deterioating is awkward as hell). I think the other problem with the thesis is that there's a confusion of ideas - there's three different ideas (environmental racism has effects on low s-e neighborhoods, which have a 'quiet chaos', and this deteriorates quality of life) and it's unclear how they're linked together. This is poison.

Something better could be "The continued existence of environmental racism has created a quiet chaos in poor, lower-class minority neighborhoods and harmed quality of life for all American citizens." Although I'm not sure if that's actually what your argument is.

>>1575315
>"I feel bad for your teacher who will not only have to read your awful "thesis statement", as I have just suffered through, but unlike me will then have to continue on and read the rest of what will likely be a similarly horrible paper."
>This is your thesis statement.
>I will criticize it.
>You put quotes around "thesis statement" to discredit the quality of his thesis statement, but doing so implies that he didn't actually present a thesis statement, when, as shitty as you think it is, it certainly is a thesis statement.
>The comma after "thesis statement" is unnecessary.
>"read ... as I have just suffered through". Here, you describe reading in two different ways, because you are dumb.
>"continue on": You could just say continue
>"and read the rest" replace with "through"

Just sayin.

>And in a punishment
Punishment implies that the teacher did something wrong. Try 'abuse', perhaps.
>that is arguably even worse than reading your garbage in the first place
You need a comma here
>he will be forced, by the obligation of his occupation, to give a serious assessment of your paper and offer a grade and "constructive criticism",
I imagine that people don't become English teachers to read fascinating prose by students, but to help the students become better at writing.
>as if it merits anything more than the attention required to lay on it a coiled log of steaming shit.
I think you mean to say "merits anything more than a coiled log of steaming shit." The amount of attention it takes to lay a coiled log of steaming shit is probably quite a lot -- there are a lot of factors to consider, such as the risk of being caught, landing on the 8 and 1/2 by 11 inch target, and how to deal with the eventual punishment (see what I did there) of defecating on a student's homework. You have implied, due to your lack of attention, that his paper deserves quite a lot of attention.

>>1575356
>holy shit dude, burn
Nope.

>Your thesis
Nope.

>The continued existence of environmental racism
Cut first four words, capitalize the fifth.
>has created a quiet chaos
The fuck is quiet chaos? It hasn't really created chaos at all. Chaos is something like the state of Libya right now. Although environmental racism is horrible, it's not chaos. Also, it isn't quiet either, because there is a lot of activism against environmental racism.
>in poor, lower-class
Don't repeat yourself, and you need a comma after this.
>minority neighborhoods
Another comma
>and harmed quality of life for all American citizens.
I think the point was that the poor and/or minorities are disproportionately affected.

>>1575371
Tofu, are you an english major?

>>1575388
>>1575388
What the hell, Tofu? No, seriously, what the fuck? Of course it's fucking flawed, I just made that shit up (although I would point out that quiet chaos is his phrase, the last comma isn't necessary, and that if I got the idea wrong that's because it's imprecise in the original). I can see you coming after dude that I quoted because he was being a complete fucking asshole about this, but I'm trying to help. Why the hell are you being a dickwad to me? Fuck you, shithead. Jesus Christ. Sorry a thesis statement I wrote while trying to help a dumbass anon wasn't picture-fucking-perfect, you tremendous prick.

>>1575389
No, I dropped out of community college. I'm a bit pedantic, that's all.

>>1575405
>resist urge to critique this post, too
Honestly, I was a roll from the last one, and I was being a dick, so I apologize.

>>1575405


you sound kind of butthurt, bro.

a little mad, too.

>>1575405
You just raped the english language, congratulations.

>>1575420
I was mad when I wrote that. Feel pretty dumb now, I tell you what. Got a little carried away by the rhetoric. Sorry I flipped out at you Tofu, you weren't being that much of a dick.

>>1575426
Tell me why this is a poor thesis statement then, if you're so smart.

>>1575431
Wait are you serious. It is bad thesis because ideas unclear, language awkward, quiet chaos weird phrase. That am what make it not-good thesis.

>>1575426
Nah, it's cool. What I said was totally uncalled for, and I could have done it without being a dick.

>>1575250
implying racism causes all of a nigger's problems. >.>[/racism]

black people tend to have internal conflicts much larger then any white man can put down on him. see identity issues or daddy's identity issues or their entire family's desire to fit in. Or rephrase the statement because it's WRONG.

>>1575432
>>1575432
Then write a better one.

>>1575443
Why? So Tofu can pick it apart? He can write it. So you can use it? You can write it. Ability to criticize is not dependent on ability to do-better, and I'm not interested in writing another thesis for you.

>>1575443
Environmental Racism propagates the deterioration of quality of life in low-income neighborhoods.

>>1575444
It's because you're afraid of your writing being criticized, friend. I can tell from the buttfrustrated aggression behind the way you write all your sentences.

"Environmental Racism is responsible for the quiet chaos in minority, low-socio-economic neighborhoods, deteriorating the quality of life for American citizens."

this is 100% wrong. white people guilt is bullshit. black people hurt black people. a nigger's internal conflicts(which im assuming is what you meant by your infuriatingly vague phrase, "quite chaos") is usually caused by issues with the jigaboo's family like their father refusing to hug or their mother insisting on making them "toughen up" through violence and every other mode of child abuse, not realizing that that will make them calus and disfunctional, not strong.

"deteriorating the quality of life for all American citizens."
this is the only part you may keep.

>"Why? So Tofu can pick it apart?"
>I am feared on the Internet.
>do-better
Why hyphenate?
>Ability to criticize is not dependent on ability to do better
That's an interesting point, and I like you for saying it.

>>1575453
It's because I'm still a tiny bit at annoyed at Tofu

>>1575405
"Environmental racism is responsible for the deteriorating quality of life for all American citizens, as well as the quiet chaos in minority neighborhoods."

There. No need to showcase your e-peen everyone. All he needed was a rewrite.

>>1575371
Bear with me, this will take a few posts.

Nearly all of your criticisms were of stylistic choices in my writing, of which all were intentional, not of any actual errors.
The quotations around thesis statement were in fact to indicate that his thesis statement was poor to the point that it can hardly be called one, the exact intended effect you seemed to have perceived. Of course it is a thesis statement, how could I criticize it as such had it not been.
The comma after "thesis statement" might not have been grammatically necessary but again, AS I AM DOING HERE, I wanted to separate it from the rest of the sentence in order to give emphasis to my suffering and also to reduce redundancy by differentiating the teacher's experience of reading from my own.
The use of "continue on" instead of "continue" on its own was also used for stylistic effect, specifically to show a drudgery of the experience of reading the paper. Here redundancy was purposely inserted.

Punishment was chosen as opposed to a more neutral word for suffering like "abuse" because in punishment there is an iconic sense of captivity and imprisonment which I specifically wanted to relate due to how the teacher must feel while reading the whole paper.

>that is arguably even worse than reading your garbage in the first place
You need a comma here
Good catch, actually. Didn't see that one.

>>1575569

>he will be forced, by the obligation of his occupation, to give a serious assessment of your paper and offer a grade and "constructive criticism",
I imagine that people don't become English teachers to read fascinating prose by students, but to help the students become better at writing.
Yes. That does not mean this case is any less horrible. It does not mean he will suffer any less. It does not mean that, although he might be delighted to read and help other students in need, he won't be struck by this specific student's outstanding incompetence. The obligation, of course, is to serve all students with equal attention. The horror is that they include people who write as poorly as the op.

>as if it merits anything more than the attention required to lay on it a coiled log of steaming shit.
>I think you mean to say "merits anything more than a coiled log of steaming shit." The amount of attention it takes to lay a coiled log of steaming shit is probably quite a lot -- there are a lot of factors to consider, such as the risk of being caught, landing on the 8 and 1/2 by 11 inch target, and how to deal with the eventual punishment (see what I did there) of defecating on a student's homework. You have implied, due to your lack of attention, that his paper deserves quite a lot of attention.
Figure out why you are wrong on this one on your own.

>>1575571

Look, Tofu, you dropped out of community college. It might have been for financial reasons, maybe personal, whatever, I don't hold that against you. Everyone has their issues they have to work out. But remember, you went to a community college in the first place.

I get that your ego probably won't allow you to accept this criticism but really take what I am going to say to heart.

You don't have to go to a good university to be intelligent but it really does serve to grow, at the very least, your knowledge base. You seem to enjoy reading so keep doing it and keep looking at text with an analytic eye. Judging by the fact that you went to a community college you probably never learned how to do a "close reading" in High School, or at least you never got much practice doing it. That's okay, you'll grow better with time. Just, until then, hold your tongue in check. Drop your trip when posting to avoid embarrassment and harsh labeling. Read more. Tofu, I get you're frustrated, how you might have a chip on your shoulder from being rejected from your first pick schools and dropping out even from there, but hold your chin up. You might be stupid right now but nobody, I mean nobody, can stop you from bettering yourself. Except you.

lol, what a stupid essay OP. sounds like progressive garbage.

>>1575572
Well that's a lot to digest!

>My nitpicking
was done in defense of OP. I felt like you were being vicious, so I pointed out errors in your prose so that you looked a little silly, so OP wouldn't feel so bad about being attacked on the internet.

I really appreciate the rest of your post, where you encourage me to go to school. That's not a bad thing to suggest to anyone, and the reasons I didn't finish are complicated. I also understand your endorsement of the university system, but it just isn't right for me; some people don't learn that way and there are plenty of very intelligent autodidacts out there. Why do you think I like Malcolm X so much? I read more than most people but less than I should, and you're right to say I should read more. A couple of things that I have reactions to:
>Drop your trip when posting to avoid embarrassment and harsh labeling
I don't mind being corrected, and the anonymity just gives a license to be constantly wrong without any sort of repercussion.
>how you might have a chip on your shoulder from being rejected from your first pick schools
I never applied anywhere.
>You might be stupid right now
You trolling me? Ah, shit, I was taking it seriously!

I can't emphasize enough that I appreciate your effort, but you seem to think that I'm not reaching my full potential by not going to school. I don't think so. I know I'm smart -- what a difficult concept -- and I'm comfortable with who I am. It's pretty evident that unless there's some sort of amazing twist of fate, I will remain working class until the day I die, and I'm okay with that, too. I don't like offices, I don't mind work.

>>1575574


>posting doug winger art on /lit/

Jesus, Baldr, and Odin. You win! I'm not going to browse /lit/ for the next few hours.

>>1575580
It seems you are genuinely dumb, tofu. What a shame. I thought I might have found a tripper to mess around with, what a disappointment.

>>1575604
Ah, man! You didn't mean anything? My feeling are mad hurt.

>>1575609
I meant every last word of it, you just need to learn how to read.

>>1575611
>blink
>blink
What did I miss?

>>1575611
Nice use of Ad hominem and name-calling there buddy. The way you flat out spew stupid is quite humbling, do see someone do it so flawlessly.

>>1575772
That picture is wrong and you don't know what ad hominem is