/lit/ - Literature

bump?

Using formalism, semiotics, Marxism, deconstruction and a little Lacan, I see that OP is a faggot

>>1574559
I didn't think you made any attention to rhythm.

Sure would help if you did.

It's fucking shit. Sorry, duder. Seriously, it doesn't flow at all, there's no rhythm to the words and there's also no sense to them - the thing doesn't scan at all. The words are neither beautiful nor particularly interesting. Also, don't rhyme the first two lines and then stop. I am not actually certain whether you intended to stop or whether there's supposed to be a rhyme scheme there - I feel like there is, but "her" and "obscure" don't rhyme at all, "desired" and "inspire" is weak as fuck, and you've also sacrificed any notion of sense or rhythm for this terrible rhyme scheme.

Take it back and start again.

>>1574569

thanks; can you clarify how?

>>1574569

could you explain how to address these

>>1574580


also could you explain what you mean by "scan"

>>1574525

A good idea when you're starting write poetry, OP. Pick a form and conform exactly to it. Try writing a sonnet or a villanelle. This will help you to develop rhythm.

one last bump for criticism??

>>1574582
when we speak, there's a rhythm to our words. the stresses we place form a natural kind of 'tum-te-tum'. often, in poetry, people try really hard to get a poem to flow well, to have a rhythm that's consistent and powerful, that drags you on through the poem. Oftentimes, though not always, this comes in the form of a specific, formal meter - a consistent pattern of emphases that holds throughout the poem. Think of the first few lines of Coleridge's "Kubla Khan": "In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree, where Alph, the sacred river, ran, through caverns measureless to man, down to a sunless sea." Do you see the way that the stresses, the beats, in the language carry you on, impose a certain flow and tempo to the way you speak it? That's what rhythm is. You don't have to be strict about it but you have to THINK about it because it's absolutely crucial to the way your poem sounds.

More broadly, the takeaway here is: think about how your poem sounds, how all the words work together and form a whole, how they combine to create an effect. A poem is not simply a collection of words that happen to rhyme; it ought to sound good. That's fundamental.

Does this help?

>>1574693

very very much, thank you!

English is effectively an iambic language. An iamb is a unit of poetry which is two syllables, the first of which is unstressed, the second of which is stressed.

When people talk about the "scan", they're talking about these units of poetry, called feet. Together, feet combine to make a metre (I know, feet cannot into metres, but I've got a poetic licence, so hear me out).

So, for example, one of the most common forms of English metre is Iambic Pentametre - which is five iambs per line, and makes the basic line of a sonnet, as referenced by the anon at

>>1574617

example:

Love is not blind. I see with single eye
Your ugliness and other women's grace.
I know the imperfection of your face,
The eyes too wide apart, the brow too high

(Edna St. Vincent Millay)

So in the first two lines of your poem, your metrical control is poor:

>He spoke to her with passion,
>He spoke Cambridge fashion.

He spoke to her with passion,
He spoke in a Cambridge fashion

would maintain the scansion, but I'm not making any comment on the lines themselves.

Metre is the essence of poetry, and rhythm is the heart of metre - when you write, read it out, count the syllables on your finger, note where the stress falls, and if you want to fuck about with the stress and the form, then go ahead, but know what you're doing.

>>1574846
>a poetic license
>Agent Toughguy kicked down the door of the Harvard English Department's main office. The three heads of the department sat around. "I'm bringing you all jail," he said, holding out his license.
>"Wouldn't it be easier to take us to jail, rather than the other way around?"
>"That's what I meant," he said, "this isn't a badge. It's a poetic license."

>>1574890

>Agent Anon kicked in the door
>Harvard jaws all hit the floor
>Take a look at this, you fucks,
>Poetic license, you're out of luck
>I'll take you motherfucker fucking down
>Downtown to fucking chicken town,
>I've worse than jail, no lock, no screw,
>I'll bring the fucking jail to you.


I thank you. I'm here all week, twice on saturdays, end of the pier. tell all your friends.

>>1574899
you're fucking silly

>>1574909

I am. She's got self-esteem issues since she got left out of the seven dwarves, and now she'll do pretty much anything. There's nothing quite so much fun to fuck as a messed up midget with no self-respect.

>When I kicked the door in there were all these Harvard-looking motherfuckers sitting around with their mouths opened. It looked like a school of grouper in tweed suits.

- What's the meaning of this? The biggest fish gasped. - What's going on?

- Agent Anon, I said, flashing the poetic license. - Everybody get down on the fucking floor, and nobody gets hurt. We've had reports of unlicensed Trochees on these premises, with another, perhaps unrelated, report of a series of enraged Cinquains that someone flushed down the toilet a year ago, now we've got a full-blwn outbreak of Villanelles. But I suppose you've got nothing to say about that have you?

He stayed quiet. I hit him a couple of times in the mouth, but it was more for show and because the uniformed guys expected it. My heart wasn't in it, and neither was his.

>>1575000
This is great. I should write out of spite more often.

>kick in the door
>hit the floor
>everybody knows the rest

>>1575015

>We pulled the old lady over on Autobahn I-190, flagging her down with the full laser, designed to half blind and intimidate while guiding the perp into a pre-determined drive channel.

>I could see her through the windscreen, she was frightened. I had the full-conceal visor down, and she could see nothing. It was standard procedure. As I walked towards her from the front of her car, I snapped the ariel and dragged my key along the paintwork. I spat on the window, and motioned for her to roll it down.

>While the decrepit old witch struggled with the manual window system, I blatantly applied superglue to the door lock. When the window was finally open, I spat again, directly in her face.

- Do you know why I've pulled you over, hag? I asked her

- No, officer.

- No fucking reason bitch. I'm agent Anon, Spite Patrol, so fuck you.

I would go over to youtube and listen to poets reading their own work. That helped me get a better sense of how to keep pace.

>>1575029
>snapped the ariel

>>1575031

>We've heard the cunt's over at YouTube, watching poetry videos.
>Facking hell, sarge, how the fuck do these cants get their fackin poetic licenses these days anyway? Any facking sprawncer knows you don't go dahn YouTube
>I know, DC Chimney, I know. It's a fucking shame the types they give the license to these days.
>Specially these days, sarge.
>Apparently, the cunt wanted to "keep pace", according to the license application. Well, Chimney, we are going to show our friend Anon what it means, "keeping pace", and also demonstrate that a poetic license is a privilege, and not a prize.
>Too facking right, sarge. Shall I bring the blowtorch, or the bat?
>Surprise me, constable, surprise me.

INT: Night, a couple sleep soundly, on the bedside table there are the obvious remnants of a couple of metaphors. This is clearly a couple who have been using poetry very heavily. The sheets are rumpled, and soiled with rogue gerunds and half-rhymes. A bucket beside the bed is full of regurgitated cliches.

SFX: HEAVY KNOCKING FROM OUTSIDE

>OPEN THE DOOR, THIS IS THE RHYMING SQUAD. WE ARE ARMED AND WE ARE ENTERING THE BUILDING.

INT: RHYMER IS DESPERATELY TRYING TO HIDE THE EVIDENCE OF HIS POETIC LAB WHILE THE POLICE BEAT IN THE HEAVILY FORTIFIED DOOR

>I'm sorry baby, I lied. My Poetic license, it's only good for a few rhymes, a bit of rapping, now the fucking Sweeney's here, and I've got a flat full of fucking Spondaic Hexameter.

>Oh Terry, you told me you'd laid off the Spondees. Thats's fifteen years if you're caught without a license

THE DOOR KICKS IN, POLICE SURROUND THE PAIR

>>1575029
This is so fucking funny. Spite Patrol. Can you imagine! Some fuckers who drive around town, funded by taxpayer money, to start shit.

Oh my god, this whole thread is gold.

>>1575074

>I'm not really sure how to explain the problem
>Don't worry ma'am, we're used to that. Let me reassure you that whatever the problem is, I've probably heard worse.

I'd been working the SanFran Pest Control job for about five months, ever since I lost my job as a shipping clerk at the paint shop because my asshole of a boss caught me stealing.

Basically my new job was to answer the calls, send out the exterminators, then pick up the wine take it home to Janie and snuggle into her ass while we drank the wine. It was pretty bad wine, and sometimes I had to hold my mind away from what I was drinking, think of images in widescreen, like David Lean movies about the desert. Anything to take my mind away from that foul, sweet port wine.

So now this cunt's on the end of the phone and it's four thirty and I'm thinking how I need to get out of here before the Indian guy sells out of those mangoes that are basically the only thing keeping me and Janie from scurvy, and how I need to get the wine, and just get the fuck home.

>So what's the problem ma'am?
>I think I may have tripfags. It may be an infestation.

I ran my hand over my forehead, and reached into my pocket. There was no way I'd get out of here in time for those godamn mangoes.

>>1575101
Nice. Also, thanks for not saying Frisco.

>>1575114
>frisco
But you're fine with the SanFran?

>>1575074

>Oh my god, this whole thread is gold.

>>1575101

>I think I may have tripfags. It may be an infestation.

tofusfacewhen.jpg

>>1575129
So much better than Frisco. So, so much better. San Fran doesn't bother me.

>>1575132

>>1575114

"What's it going to be then, pardners?"

There was me, Alex and my three compadres that is Two-Gun Pete, Slim Georgie and Dim, Dim being really dim, and we sat in the Frisco saloon tryn'all to figger what we was gonna do with the evening, a flip dark winter bastard, though dry.

HAHAHAHAHAHA - I SAI FRISCO IF I WANT, FUK U. CAN HAEV MUNNY NAO?

>>1575158

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a trip must be in want of a life."

Go on, have another go. I do this shit for a living, I fucking love it.

>>1575198
i actually loled

>>1575208

If he can come up with a response for that before April, I will show my cock in the window of American Apparel.

>>1575198
>by popular demand/one samefag, a response
If an anon says he hates tripfags, or feels they are an infestation, I respect that opinion, because for the most part, he's right. I enjoyed the story, and understand that the anti-tripfag sentiment is so much a part of the culture of /lit/ that the infestation being composed of tripfags could function as a punchline. Furthermore, I know that any attempts to convince him that some tripfags make good posts will be a waste of energy.

Thank you for your time.

>I will show my cock
D&E is that you?

>>1575261

>D&E is that you?

Accused of tripfaggotry.

Pic related: Only appropriate response.

Tripfag looks up and says "save me", I whisper "no".

>>1575198

Should be the motto for c/lit/ - archive for great justice.

>>1575261
>D&E is that you?
Don't you have some threads to dropping trip in or something

>>1575297
Don't you have some dicks to post?

>>1575302
I have other people to do that for me

>>1575308
Oh, very funny! Golf clap.

This whole thread was pretty good before some anon picked a fight, though, derailing the whole thing in another blast of anti-tripfag trolling.

>>1575317

Actually, fuckhole, this thread was created by anon, for anon. OP was anon, then I tried to provide some (admittedly not brilliant) OC at

>>1575198
>>1575163
>>1575101
>>1575065
>>1575029
>>1575000
>>1574899

And I tried to give the OP some advice on poetic metre, so don't come the cunt with me now, you slag.

>>1575446
>>1575446

>poetic metre
>don't come the cunt with me now, you slag.

Does anyone else sense an internal conflict here?

>>1575446
>Actually, fuckhole, this thread was created by anon, for anon.
I think you mean "for anons."
>OP was anon, then I tried to provide some (admittedly not brilliant) OC at ... And I tried to give the OP some advice on poetic metre, so don't come the cunt with me now, you slag.
>come the cunt
Nice phrase. I remember once when I was working at a place refinishing tables, my boss told me to apply more pressure with sandpaper by saying, "you're not padding a pussy."

Anyway, once this thread ran its course with your helpful advice, I made a comment about a mistake, and we continued cheerfully in that direction until an anon made a joke about tripfags being an infestation. Being an adult, I took the joke lightly. I hoped we could continue making jokes, but then I was called out several times, to which I replied reasonably as possible, and now we're here. Is there something I'm missing? Because it seems like another thread got derailed with triphating bullshit.

Again, I know some tripfags start a lot of bullshit that doesn't add a lot to /lit/, but I feel that the anti-tripfag mentality also does a lot to take the discussion away from anything other than bickering? For example, take this thread right here. We could be contributing good or relevant content, like we both have earlier in the thread, but we have locked horns (pardon the cliché) in bullshit. Maybe we just let bygones be bygones?

inb4 there can be no anti-tripfaggotry without tripfags. Tripfags are here to stay and most of them don't constantly shit post, and those who do would shit post as anons, anyway.