[ 3 / biz / cgl / ck / diy / fa / ic / jp / lit / sci / vr / vt ] [ index / top / reports ] [ become a patron ] [ status ]
2023-11: Warosu is now out of extended maintenance.

/lit/ - Literature

View post   
File: 35 KB, 293x628, bittersweetjesse.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
1560571 No.1560571 [Reply] [Original]

Critique my poem?
My first attempt at couplets.

>> No.1560572

Don't bother with couplets unless they rhyme,

>> No.1560575

>>1560572
We were told specifically not to rhyme.

>> No.1560580

http://audioboo.fm/boos/280386-bittersweet-victory-anon

>>1560571

>> No.1560581

>>1560575

That makes this homework. We have to report homework. I'm sorry.

>> No.1560594

It's a little pedestrian in its language. Fewer pronouns, more imagery. Also new title

>> No.1560595

>>1560594
Anything good about it?

>> No.1560597

>>1560595

The last couplet sounds like it was written by someone whose first language isn't English.

In a good way.

>> No.1560599

>Its wail-full song sings a melodious tune of the joyous gut-wrenching we call Wonderful.

What the hell does that mean? That's not a sentence, and I have no idea what it is that "we call Wonderful".

Also, are you sure a song can sing? I know this may sound like ridiculous nitpicking, but I think it's actually kind of important to make sense.

>> No.1560601

>>1560595
"oh how it stings/the countenance of a friend" is nice.

>> No.1560605

>>1560599

>are you sure a song can sing

It's called a transferred epithet (or a hypallage if you want to sound like a total knob) - lrn2poetry.

And the anthracite statues of the horses sleep
in the fields, and the cows in the byres, and the dogs in the wet-nosed yard; and the cats nap in the slant corners or lope sly, streaking and needling, on
the one cloud of the roofs.

PROTIP: The yards don't have wet noses - the dogs in the yard do.

Not a bad homework poem OP, but I'm not helping you with your homework. I'm not your dad. And if I am your dad then stop messing about on the fucking internet and TIDY YOUR ROOM

>> No.1560608

>>1560605
>It's called a transferred epithet
I think you're giving OP way too much credit. But yeah.. maybe. It's not really a very good example of it though, in my opinion.

>> No.1560636

>>1560608
An unintentional device is still a device. It's a little clunky, but everything here is fairly entry-level.

>> No.1560640

Here's a poem I wrote while at work last night:

"With my fat in rolls,
And mayonnaise on the desk--
Trash that's Frito bags,
And saggy tits on my chest...

An unwashed complexion,
And in my stained attire--
And saying I've bathed
Would make me a liar.

So, as you can see,
It's just as I feared:
I'm all day on 4chan,
And a fucking neckbeard."
--Anon. 17 February 2011

>> No.1560645

>>1560640
This guy should be Poet Laureate of /lit/.

>> No.1560673

>>1560645
lol no

>> No.1560714

>>1560571
Not bad. I would ask less questions, and edit down your word count. Take out unnecessary words which begin your lines, like "Most", "we call", "Oh", and "simply to" etc. I would also remove the Whats and Whys to make your questions more direct if you do keep them. And you can use wailfull and gutwrenching as standalone words. Poetry offers an opportunity to stretch the possibilities of language. Take advantage.

>> No.1560718

>>1560640
This one's a thousand times better than OP's. OP tries far too hard to be "deep" and it just ends up sucking.

>> No.1560719

>>1560640

That's actually pretty good. Reminds me a bit of Thomas Hardy.

>> No.1562023

>>1560640
>>1560640
http://audioboo.fm/boos/281037-consider-the-neckbeard