/lit/ - Literature

This is unironically well written, congrats 9/10

>>15275391
Besides the awkward, unpleasant word composition (seems like you were going for a rhyme here but gave up halfway) it feels like a verbal bubblegum, goes nowhere, tells about nothing. In essense you just pretentiously described peepee in mouth in so many lines and called it a poem. Where's the theme, metaphor, transformation? You wrote a poem about dicksucking yet it doesn't even have an apogee.

>>15275391
I preferred the tf2 speed poetry guy

>>15275391
test

>>15275391
>Muses I sing praise!
Comma after "muses."

>A careful hands embrace, the libertine creed
Have "hands" with a singular apostrophe. Invert word order of second noun phrase so as to make "creed libertine." This will clear up the meter.

>that most sumptuous feast
After this phrase, add a conjunction like "wherein" to coordinate that transition into the details of the feast.

>leave each the other
"leave each other"

>Begins the lecherous embrace
Required here is another repetition of whatever conjunction you decided to use, perhaps doubled up with "and": "and wherein begins the lecherous..."

>until lo'
Separate that interjection "lo'" with two commas before and after.

>>15275779
>his dick isn't big enough for both hands
Yikes

>>15275779
Thank you for the criticism, although I won’t apply all of these I appreciate each and every one.

>>15275391
Can someone make a Vocaroo please

>>15275391
i like how the structure of the poetry reflects a buildup, and the final couplet a release. I know you didnt do it on purpose, but it was almost nice. This isn't poetry though

>>15275989
right, and that's what I thought too reading their work. I think the syntax of each phrase needs to be cleared up, and that'll help perhaps by separating each one out as its own sentence-style unit. make sure you've got the commas in the right place, and really, for right now, treat it as sentences broken up by lines. I think what's happening is the reader is getting lost in what's going on in the poem because of the syntactic confusion (missing commas, missing conjunctions, etc.) so I might even, to give it a running start, think of it in prose, perfect each clause, and then go about poeticizing it. For instance:

And hereso begins, that most sumptuous feast, wherein blossoming lips kiss one another; wherein begins the lecherous embrace of lovers twinned...

>>15276019
doesn't matter how much you polish the meter, it's vapid. Until he figures out what he wants to write about, it's just going to be a description, not poetry

>>15276060
It’s poetry as much as any other poem. As >>15276019
describes, certainly it is flawed and I’m still quite tyronic concerning poetry. However, it sounds ironically like you want a theme to simply be ‘described’ to you. Especially since in this case it is quite antithetical to this particular manner of poem, being quite curt and devoid of the senses. It is not the role of the poet to describe the message of his poem as he makes it. It is underhanded in my mind to pin the greatness of poetry inside petty moralizing, or the strictures of meter or verse for that matter, (When you read Chaucer or Milton, they at times divorce themselves from their meters) these are all contingencies against the perfections that one would wish to exemplify when creating or appreciating a poem.
>>15275989
This is clearly intended

>>15276019
>hereso
???

>>15275391
I'm immediately inclined to lambaste your poem for the anime picture attached to it, but whatever. Aside from the cliched invocation of the muses and the pitifully shallow content, there is alliteration, assonance, and it sounds fine. It's the literary equivalent of painting on a toilet

>>15275391
The Tiger
He has destroyed his cage
yes
YES
The tiger is out

>>15275391
i don't like "begins" being used twice. it's already begun after the first one.

>>15275391
>>15275741

>>15278979
kek

>>15275391
Its alright, but here's some tips from a professional smut writer of 5+ years

1) Use the word cock. There is literally zero smut that is good without the word cock. Any other name for penis just isn't as dirty.
2) When you're writing blowjobs, mention that it looks like she has lips that could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
3) You want her to gag.
4) Talk about semen in ropes.
5) Don't forget to mention the testicles resting against her sculpted chin.

>>15275391
Larping as a classical poet / 10
Come on dude get with the times! You're good at what you do though so maybe not.

>>15275391
This is shit, not poshy writting, but your insultingly cheap imitation of it.

Shit

>>15276305
OP's "poem" is shit.

Toilet's are nice, and a painting on one could be nice too.

Even dumb people and computer sowtware can use rhetorical devices.

In other words, your comments is shit too.
Both you and OP sound ike idiots, if you care to prove otherwise, go ahead.

>>15281042
I don't care to prove otherwise, and I won't even mention your multiple spelling errors and misunderstanding of my metaphor. My point was that his poem sounded nice but was shallow, just like a painted toilet- superficially beautiful but full of shit, and you'd know about that

>>15281817
Thank you for kicking me in the head. And yeah... It may or may not account for much that a stranger says this over the internet, but nice response.

>>15276224
it's a commission dude. Someone paid him to write it, and chose the subject matter for him. That's what I mean when I say it's not poetry

>>15283190
Spencer’s the faerie queen was a commission, is it not poetry? The Aeneid either?

Rate my shid poem I made at 4am


A fate's brushstrokes,
so rarely lingered,
a gesture lipsweet,
For me.
It's you.
This painting sleeps,
In evening unfiltered,
Against all evils evoked.

Complete.
I'm complete!
Splatters of chance,
Torrents in the painter's pail,
Are calm in this miracle.

A grand design,
In my pauper's time.
Fate dropped a pen,
And turned you to mine.

You are beauty.
Refined, refined, refined.
Again! Refined, reposed revived in my mind.
Retreat into my waiting arms.

>>15284868
It’s not bad anon. If I’m giving criticism the each canto can either be too mute or too sheer, and you repeat words a little too often. It can be used effectively, but only if it’s used sparingly or in a special circumstance. All that aside, I quite enjoyed the elaborate painting descriptions

>>15284868
4/10

>>15275391
Fancy words =/= poetry
Metaphors =/= poetry
Spacing =/= poetry

Try having an original idea on the theme and delivering substance instead of fancy fluff. You aren't fooling anyone. Not horrible, but the tf2 speed poetry guy was better.

>>15275391
LMAO. KEK

I fucking love this shit OP.
best fucking thing I've read all day

>>15284868
>so rarely lingered
I oppose this because the way you've separated it by comma and attached the adverbial "so rarely" makes "lingered" sound more participial/adjectival than as a verb. It's an awkward construction.

The rest of it I can't bear to read. Cheap pastiche of a long-gone poet who would roll in their graves reading this. Read more. 2/10

Bump

>>15285459
>>15285095
>>15285086
Pretty damn valid rates. I'm ass at poetry and generally hate it, so I expect to be abysmal.