/lit/ - Literature

A man can't walk without feet. Unless he only goes 11 inches.

I wonder what Freud would have to say about my sexual attraction to zaftig women. Would his psycho-analysis include something about my mother, or about the other women I've met in my life?

I wish i could set me free from the shackles of sex experienced not as the correlate of desire, but as performance, as gymnastics, as hygiene for the organs that can only lead to deathly lassitude. How does one climax, and bring one’s partner to climax. What is the ideal size of the vagina, the correct length of the penis? How often? How many partners in a lifetime, in a week, in a single day, minute by minute?

>>15224356
It feel like I was home once but now i'm lost, and everything I do I another step down the labyrinth turn down the unknown hallway.

>>15224415
Tell us more of these women and why you think he may say something of your mother.

Pistachios

>>15224450
It started out as a pregnancy fetish after I saw my mother get out of the shower naked while pregnant with my sister, but i realized I wasn't really attracted to pregnant women as much as I was interested in corpulent women. I think my development warped my sexual desires because they shifted away from a desire to physically dominate a woman during intercourse, towards more of an odd desire to watch women bloat, expand, and gain weight. Something about watching the descent into gluttony is intensely arousing for me.

He he he he he had had had had a a a strange strange smile that made made me me me feel feel feel feel alive alive alive alive alive

>>15224356
i can't stop dwelling on the idea that it's much harder to be a nice person when you know too much.
take the trolley problem for example: you may do utilitarian good by going over and switching the points so that 10 men are spared for the cost of 1 man's life, but you've still got blood on your hands, and you'd have blood on your hands if you'd left the tracks where they were and let 10 men die: you're sullied by the very fact you knew about the trolley problem at all.
if you had remained ignorant of the trolley and the switch (perhaps distracted by a passing bee), 10 men would have died but your hands would be clean. you would be the man who went for a walk and saw a bee, not the man who soaked his hands in blood for the greater good or the man who stood idly by and let 10 men die.

and yet despite this i spend all my time on the internet, i (metaphorically) making myself aware of more trolley problems, discovering new pieces of knowledge that will create no-win scenarios and leave me unhappy. and then in the process of overthinking that, in trying to systematize the problem i find myself even further away from the blissfully ignorant person i wish to be.

how does truly break free of genre?
I generative literature a thing yet like in music or are we no there yet?

>>15224565
you mean like absolute instead of program music? you want absolute literature?
give ot a try, I'd say. just make stuff up.

>>15224547
>but you've still got blood on your hands, and you'd have blood on your hands if you'd left the tracks where they were and let 10 men die: you're sullied by the very fact you knew about the trolley problem at all.
No you're not, it's not your fault, fuck the people who put that infrastructure there in the first place - which outside of the thought experiment of the trolley problem is a "Tragedy of the Commons" sort of thing with nebulous responsibility and not the blueprint planned super evil cartel folks want it to be.
>discovering new pieces of knowledge that will create no-win scenarios and leave me unhappy.
How much of that time do you spend looking for reverse trolley problems - solutions. Ways to unlock non-linear returns for the common good?
They're out there - have you been looking for them?

Hug me my darling, hold me close. Hold me tight against the swift rain, return my fiery kiss I beg. Pick me up, lay me down. Stamp on my balls

I can't write good endings to stories. My tendency is always to have a "status quo antebellum", that pathetic wry comment that nothing ever changes, that all the machinations of the story were naught and the characters haven't been shaped by the experiences, haven't learned, the world keeps turning as it was.
However that's just boring and it's not even realistic.
It's ego satisfying to be pessimist. But it doesn't make good stories, and it isn't actually a the profound insight into the world that it would seem to be. People are changed because of their experiences, trauma happens, people leave family and friends when there is the right catalyst, even if it is something as cliche as cherchez la femme - it really happens.
However I for some reason can't imagine them - a ending needs to balance out the experiences of the story that happened before it. Ideally it needs to carry as much weight as everything before it, that's why Hollywood always opts for the James Bond base to explode - the great big finale.
How does one find the psychological equivalent of explosions, the irreversible changes to your characters being?
Vincent Gallo says he always starts with a suicide then has to figure a way out of it.

She’s gone and I didn’t think it was going to hurt this much what the fuck

>>15224356
>tfw im growing out of this place
it is what it is

>>15224661
She’s stamping on my balls and I didn’t think it would hurt this much what the fuck

Goddess, light, life. Protect me,
grant me your love

>>15224692
Goddess, light, life. Protect me,
grant me your love And stamp my balls

I am thinking of anhero'ing. The dreariness of losing relationships, job opportunities, and my creative drive, has left in its wake a hollow feeling that continues to erode the more intimate aspects of myself. Even if I were to reposition myself in the arms of others, I would be acting as a parasite, sluggishly feeding off the passions of men to reclaim what I once was. When I try to recede into drunkenness or sexuality, my mind says only "you can't keep doing this forever", and, as of now, I hold no attachment over a single thing. The fact that Leopardi, Trakl, and Beckett are the only authors I've read lately likely hasn't helped, either

>>15224698
Goddess, light, life. Protect me,
also, tits or gtfo

>>15224356
I wonder how I would've developed had I set my mind to studying electronics and science as a child as opposed to the Bible and literature. I exceed verbally (my verbal iq is ~155) and yet my spatial iq is only 'ok' (around 118).

I'll indulge myself and blame my parents. They always had the mindset of 'dont break things' and they didn't nurture my curiosity in say, an electronics beginner set because they saw it as a waste of money. Their anti science stance (being literal creationists) further turned me away from actual Objective pursuits. Suppose I had spent my time learning electronics as opposed to reading Job. How would I have developed? Sure I know a lot about literature but that hasn't proven very useful given literature's democratization with the invention of the internet.

I learn electronics as a hobby but I don't think I'll ever 'swim' in it the way I do with philosophical ideas. My brain has already been configured a certain way. The best I can hope for is middling creative output in engineering and mechanics, and the hope that I can lay the groundwork for my future children.

Like a fresh flower
Pink and blue, near the water
Idle Feminine

Hello. I live alone with my wife. Her name is Bananas.

How does hyper-spectralism music differ from spectralism? I can't find a definition of it, just that it was developed by Iancu Dumitrescu and Ana-Maria Avram.

>>15224415
patrician taste. always wondered about the origin of it too
>>15224659
have you seen adaptation? i think that movie will really unironically help you. its about a fatalistic writer too clever for his own good, and his idiot hollywood cliche-loving twin

>>15224960
Based

I am relaxed by unrelaxing things
it is obviously something so immature about myself that I cling to what I should fear because what I should love is one conformity to far.

>>15224356
I wonder what the world will look like 500 years from now. Or even 100, for that matter.

I'm half Hispanic. I wonder how the half German, half Gauls felt towards the winding down of the Roman Empire. Did they know they would make a new race, the French? What's going to come out of the American West? Or the South, or the North East, for that matter?

I have a feeling that we're falling back into history.

>>15224391
What if they got a twelve inch dick?

>>15224356
I'm looking into the Decline of the West and I just don't know how accurate it's prediction will be about the West's conversion to an Empire. Things aren't as they were before. It seems that the real test for empires was with Napoleon, and later Hitler and Mussolini. If anything, it would suggest that the world is now too complex to be ran by one person, unless of course you run a large homogenous population like China or most of Russia.

>>15225315
i do think the golden age of imperialism is dead, for many, many reasons. the US, with all its resources, couldn't even restore order in Afghanistan and Iraq. capitalist neocolonialism is what works; see what China is doing now in Africa

>>15224356
I came up with a good weight loss idea. I could cut the fat right off of your stomachs. Anyone want to try?

Feel horrible, barely slept after paranoid episode during the night. I cant get these thoughts out of my head, im scared. Its all so far removed from reality, people on here scare me as well but i wanna vent. Fuck, i hate my mind sometimes

I should have gone to Europe with R. and her brats. If you are just passing through an area, no one would suspect you. This is just theorizing but I bet I could if done right, get away with killing a refugee or "gastarbeiter" if just passing through say Germany for a couple days. The problem though is getting away with it in a good way. See, this is why you should just suck it up and be nice to people and then take all your rage out on others weaker or beneath yourself.

Feel completely alone, like im the last person on earth going through memories that arent even real. It really is all in my head isnt it? Strangest atmosphere

https://youtu.be/fv4R_xhRbbA

Literally NO ONE would give a fuck about a missing refugee, gastarbeiter or prostitute and do not come running here like you would because I KNOW you wouldn't.

I know for a fact that if I died right now, nobody would mourn me and all my hard work would amount to nothing.

>>15225367
I cant believe the state i was in. I went into survival mode for weeks at a time, trying to flee from something that wasnt there. Its scary to think your own brain can make you feel like that. It just consumed every rational thought and left me a shivering husk on the couch, not even capable of going outside without breaking down. I need more time to recover, is what i realize

On one hand i want to go to therapy and try to fix my problems but on other hand i dont think that its possible to help me in the first place.

"Silence is a woman's glory"- Aristotle
"Death is a woman's glory"- me

I wouldnt post here if i didnt feel physically comfortable. Im luring myself into a false sense of security because i don't want to face the alternative, which is that nothing i do can be anonymous anymore and therefore never being able to genuinely accept the help i do need.

I go to my boyfriends football games and look out for hot guys to remember for when I’m masterbating

I kinda don't want to talk to my gf for a bit. I feel like I need space from her, or at least our introspective discussions. I'm a really reflective person as it is, and, with our added reflective discussions about our personal and relationships shit, there's an added pressure of my mind being under examination, my brain feels fried and overloaded. It's just so tiring to feel my mind is always under examination from itself.

How do I just let go, bros?

If idiots can't even leave me alone then I can't fucking leave THEM alone.

>>15225521
go to go to her volleyball games and look out for hot girls to remember for when your masterbating

>>15225527
ironically wanking is the time where I feel I get mental respite. maybe the lack of stimulation from work and being outside is heightening this sense of being examined.

>>15225516
I mean i have to be honest with myself, ive still got every camera taped over and wouldnt dare take it off for any length of time. I dont know if ill ever stop feeling like this.

ctrl + f "virgin" in my 2019 diary

85 results

I have to be completely honest. I WANT to be harassed by a bunch of fat, lardass simpletons and retards on a philosophy forum. I am grateful for it. Why won't anyone come here so I can show my gratitude?

>>15225540
I really wanna start healing from this but its not possible because of things i see everywhere confirming time and time again what i feared. Nothing feels right, everything feels like its been replaced with an exact copy thats indistinguisable except for the vibe it gives off. It sends me up the wall, and i feel like ive formulated this in almost this precise manner multiple times before.

Everywhere I look I see filth. Vulgar barbarism has devoured the world. Is there a chance in such a place for one to be truly noble?

>>15224608
Just as absolute music aims to remove itself from any external referents, absolute literature must do the same. How does absolute music accomplish this? By focusing solely on sound itself. Thus, absolute literature must have a singular concern for phonesthetics and a complete disregard for all else. In practice, you'd be reading strings of nonsense words that evoke emotions purely based on their sound. Funnily enough, here the line between literature and music begins to blur -- is there really any difference between listening to a meaningless piece of drum music and a meaningless yet rhythmic string of text? Another interesting connection is to ancient magical traditions; many practitioners taught that the "barbarous names" that promised power to those that spoke them are magical solely due to their phonetic qualities rather than due to any meaning behind them. It really is an interesting idea.

>>15225565
Its like objects and places from my childhood had this pure and untouchable atmosphere, thats been intruded upon, at least in the associations i had with them. Like that spiritual side of my childhood has been destroyed, except for memories that aren't linked to something else.

Let me try and be grateful. I appreciate my girlfriend tremendously. Her existence has given me peace, companionship, friendship, support, love, kindness. With the current moment, my mind may be busy and pained and fried, but I hope my mind soon finds its way back.

R., you and your husband and children are a bunch of comllete fucking retards. Even if tomorrow, you comlletely changed and stopped being a comllete retard and read every Plato dialpgue and actually discussed them here, I would STILL hate you for everything you have done against me. "I haven't done any-" Shut the fuck up. You have. Yeah, you have. You are the unofficial leader of the harassment against me and as such you need to die- either at me hand or from suicide. You choose.

>>15225673
What'd they do anon?

>>15225594
>>15225565
>>15225540
>>15225516

I don't know exactly what you mean but reading your thoughts reminds me so much of mine. I'm sorry you're going through this anon. I can relate to the sense of an all pervasive system of fear that is reinforced by my observations time and time again, but not being able to tell whether I've just made it up or not. Sometimes I think I am letting my imagination run away and all of this comes from my drug use and depression, other times it feels like I am only seeing clearly the evil that is universal and timeless in life and in those moments I feel most alone. I guess I can always remember I'm not the only one struggling or afraid.

>>15224990
Have heard of that film, never watched it. As a rule I don't like watching films about filmmaking for reasons of becoming too self-obsessed.
Will it in anyway give me a toolkit to think about how to top off stories? As I remember the synopsis that film is more about his struggles to do justice to the source material.

>>15225685
HARASSMENT AND STALKING, DAY IN AND DAY OUT. I DO NOT FUCKING LIKE YOU-PERIOD! J OR C- I FEEL BAD ABOUT BEING MEAN TO THEM BUT *NEVER* THAT STUPID IDIOT. I AM NOT HER FUCKING FRIEND PERIOD. GO THE FUCK AWAY!!!

I’m super pissed off at the alphabet

The sculptor and the soldier in the book were like dolls of him and Ruben. Their conversations, their aspirations - they all sounded too familiar. It dawned on Nero that this must have been what Ruben was going through. He thought of the sculptor, and now understood why the character has disturbed him so much. 'Ruben, is this really how you saw me? I was never this noble and beautiful.'

Nero paused from reading any further, haunted by the notion that his soft-spoken friend once might have wanted to choke him for gratification. No wonder the man has gone mad when he realized the depravity within himself, and ran to that church and chose celibacy for the sake of his friend.

When he first demanded Ruben to explain what was he thinking, why he was giving up his happiness for some unseen god, the latter did not make any sense. The man was unable to conjure up the words, for he must have not been able to comprehend it himself. Nero then pictured his friend laying alone against the altar rail, having lost both his companion and the chastity he suffered for. Tears welled up in his eyes. 'Only if I had, instead of demanding to know everything, have just trusted him and stood by him.'

>>15224415
>>15224505
It's always about your mother. Your every desire, sexual or not, is shaped by the way you related and desired your mother.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK FUCK IM LOSING MY MIND GOD FUCKING DAMN IT AHHHHHH OH LORD SOMEONE HELP ME AHHHHHHHHHH

I feel like this is a 1990s joke but I really do feel like a lesbian in a man's body

IVE HAD ENOUGH I DONT WANT TO MASTURBATE ANYMORE IM NOT A DOG IM DONE I QUIT I DONT CARE HOW GOOD IT FEELS I WANT TO BE CHASTE FOR THE REST OF TIME

Is it possible to become a completely different person character wise?

>>15225697
Well that's the one positive thing to come out of this then. Hope youre doing alright cause you seem honest and innocent as far as i can tell.

>>15226428
This is something I wonder. I have worked hard towards self-improvement, and the going is slow but I have had success. Nonetheless, there remain aspects of my personality that seem impossible to change. I have difficulty lying about my emotions, for example. If I am feeling miserable, I find it impossible to feign outward happiness - the best I can achieve is a neutral stoicism. You meet some people and they are so bubbly, always seemingly switched on, and full of conversation. I am not a socially anxious person (something I have worked to eradicate) but nonetheless, I feel like I will never be the type of person you might describe as 'bubbly'. This is not necessarily an aspect of my personality I *want* to change, but it does make me wonder - is this just who I am? Is this the unchanging core of my personality? Is this the 'me' I should embrace when people tell me to 'be myself'. Or if I worked hard enough, could I change it?

>>15224356
Quarantine day: ??? I haven't touched a bed in 28 hours, went for a one hour Corona-run, read 150 pages of dune, finished ff7 remake, I'm 16 raw eggs in, catched up with 2 mangas in mangadex, fap for the first time since the start of the quarantine a 6 hours /gif/ and yandex PAWG porn session, completly losing my sanity, miss the gyms. Two raw onions in, install 9 new addons to my browser, make a git hub and protonemail account, 6 different imageboards tabs open, start shadow boxing under the sun while banging japenese pop, find a bar of steel, start training kenpo with it. It's 7:40 AM Still can't sleep.

Go for more eggs and milk, Realize I haven't talked to anyone in days and that I ran out of eggs and milk, go buy some 3.14 qtpie cashier jokingly asks me why I don't like touching the receipts, Don't answer, she asks again there must be a reason right? I nod. she doesn't give me the receipt this time, even tho it's againts the rules, go home and take a cold shower and drink a gallon of milk.
So, how are you spending your quarantine, /lit/?

>>15226799
kek this made me laugh anon

I wish I lived alone for this quarantine honestly, instead I'm stuck with my two roommates and I have to maintain a semblance of normality to my life otherwise they would bug me about it. I just want to degenerate in peace.

A lot of old books have shit promise and I feel a lot of people treat this like an open secret. Like, does anybody read Dickens and come away thinking, "Wow, that's so beautifully written!" I won't mention people like Tolstoy and Dostoevsky because they're translated, but I doubt the Russian is a lot more evocative.
When you compare the writing in a lot of "classics" to modern writes like Pynchon or Roth you just come away realizing how shitty and barebones it is. But I still see people circlejerking this as tremendous writing. It might be good storytelling, good literature - but it surely is not fucking good writing.

>>15226880
>does anybody read Dickens and come away thinking, "Wow, that's so beautifully written!"

Dickens is famous for his social progressivism, not so much for his prose. His books are kinda shit but he was constrained by the medium. In that respect, he's the best at the serialized form, but still not great.

i've realized "normies" don't exist. the "normie" is a projection of the Chad onto the average person. the "normie" is an image of the best well rounded and people there is no way most people are like that. i think the majority of people are closer to the virgin than the chad but bluff that they are chad because they recognize he is better or they do not realize they are the minority.

>>15226583
Sometimes i think, there are some aspects which are not changeable. For example you can be confident and sociable introvert who can appear as extrovert. However, you're still an introvert and not extrovert in the end of the day. You be a good damn musician who has achieved a high mastery but will you be an innovator of the music genre? Thats unknown as those geniuses possess something which isnt measurable, some kind of completely different understand which cannot be learned or imitated. I'd like to be a person whos content with what he has also possesses an optimistic and creative attitude towards life but that would require me not being me but someone else.

>>15224356
My life is such a worthless fucking joke.
22, about to graduate a subpar university with subpar grades and didn't even make any memories along the way. If i'm doomed to be good at nothing I wish I could at least be content with being a loser, yet I can't stop caring about achievement.
I think the worst thing is knowing it's not going to get any better, i'm going to work 50+ to pay off my debt with no reward then die, there's really nothing else that could happen at this point. If i'm depressed now I can't imagine the crushing agony I will feel on my deathbed. And yet still i'm not suicidal, I don't even know what's keeping me here.
Laziness, probably.

>>15225167
to be honest i think america will have the same elite as before but instead of being anglo saxon, it will be of spaniard descent, look around south america, most ruling elites are from european spaniard descent, i don´t think it will be different for the U.S.

as in water face answereth to face, so the heart of man to man

I'm sick of being an animal. I'm sick of being a slave to my urges, drives, and hormones. Even the desire to "rise above" those things is another form of slavery, just more reactionary in nature. I'm sick of constantly struggling in social dominance hierarchies. I'm sick of being an animal in constant competition with and constantly being judged by other animals. I'm sick of playing "the game." I'm sick of being miserable and of being happy. I don't even really want anything. If you offered to turn me into some awesome alpha male rich Chad, I wouldn't even want that, because it's just as ephemeral and illusory as everything else. There really doesn't seem to be any reason why suicide is not the most logical, most appropriate response to being born.

There exists the non-being of all phenomena, forms and things.
Form is non-being and non-being is form. Non-being is not different from form and form is not different from non-being. Everything that is non-being is also form and everything that is form is also non-being.

My favorite number is 8.

>>15228367
What about it?

Trying to remember a book, and I can't
>comedic, lighthearted
>a group of tourists journey to an island
>magical realism wackiness ensues
>there's a school where a tortoise tries to make trees remember poems, but they take so long to recite them they forget the beginning by the time they reach the end
>the waiter at the restaurant is an animal, he says it's a different animal every day after the letters of the alphabet
>turns out it's the same guy every day, just different names
and so on
ring any bells?

>>15224356
I'm terrified that everyone will find out that my only talent lies in appearing intelligent. I think I'm an absolute idiot with no future beyond being a failed filmmaker who's wasted my family's money. I'm about to turn 24. I've spent the last 5 years wallowing in self pity and deflecting all responsibility. I've cloaked myself in a self-deprecating ironic humour and I can bust out some borderline witty quips when friends and family try to dig slightly deeper into what the fuck I'm doing with my life. That sets them at bay for a while but that latency period is decreasing rapidly. I'm also convinced that they only fall for this charade because they're idiots. I live in a relatively small city and I don't push myself to meet any actual intelligent people for fear of being exposed. I'm a degenerate and if people really knew how pathetically narcissistic and lazy I am they would agree that I don't deserve love. I am a king of self denial and self deception. Even typing this out on a fucking anonymous forum is pathetic. I'm glad I don't live somewhere with relaxed gun controls because I'd surely have enough courage to pull the trigger.

>>15227643
>too lazy to die
heh

>>15224356
While at work I was made to think of a certain girl I had a couple of art classes with in college. After masturbating to her during my break I came back to realize she shared the name of someone I saw in our ticketing system. It's like my unconscious brain recognized that name and remembered her thick thighs before my conscious brain did!

>>15228546
Lol

Interesting how the most erudite on twitter are almost always LGBT. They seem to have a breadth of knowledge ranging from history to cinema to literature to music light years beyond the average normalfag’s purview. It’s almost like they pursue this knowledge as an unconscious cope with their marginalized existence.

>>15224356
I sit here an 18 year old on lit for the first time, writing an uninteresting account of my problems and life over 12 or so years because i am having another moment at 4:33 AM

I sit here thinking about my relationships and how i have strained them by being too emotionally distant or too involved, my relationship with my family is all but there and i am left with a fraction of the friends i had due to my need of validation and compulsive lying for attention.

I am always trying to fix others problems as a cope for my own as well as seeking the validation and involvement in others lives that doing so grants. I use this as a distraction most of the time, keeping all of my conversations with friends and family about them and small talk which is a problem considering my family and I don't know much about my interests and ambitions. I don't feel i have a personality ,compulsively lying all the time since early primary school about my interests and things i have done (e.g "Mum I saved a baby from falling out of the second story classroom today" , "I like that game, I've finished it a hundred times" etc) just to seem like i wasn't the boring kid. I fell into the funny guy archetype pretty quickly from my "Zany" stories, and soon crafted it into jokes and funny observations that weren't totally awful. I built my life around the idea that i was smart, it was the thing people would notice first about me, it was how i determined my success, my self worth, my status etc. These two things swallowed me whole, i couldn't escape their labels and the expectations that come with them, they are everything i am, in the dynamic of any group i filled the slot that was convenient for others. One day the second year of high school i made my first best friend, lets call them "Robert" because thats their given name, he was exactly like me in nearly every way, I would think a thought and he would say it before i had the chance to speak it, finally someone that was like me.

>>15230064
Part 2

If i still have your attention i would like to say this isn't going the route you think it is, we are not enemy's now or any shit like that , my problem is the opposite. He filled the niche i served and more. He is more intelligent than i am, hes funnier, he has a back bone: He basically did what i did but better. I felt myself slipping from my friends group and torn between them the nerds and my other friends the stoner skater type kids, who i only became friends with because the teacher sat me next to their king who found the addition of a jester to his court would be most amusing. We will call him "Seth" because that's his given name, I don't know why i describe him this way because he is a totally chill , nice and loyal friend, i just feel this disconnection from the only worlds that ever excepted me. As time went on i slowly drifted from Seth and became more friends with Robert and the nerds with occasional hangouts with Seth and the stoners. Robert and I became what i call a "AnoBully" which is basically a bully who bullies someone with extreme acts of annoying behavior instead of beatings, and for some reason Robert hated Tyler, Seth's second in command so much that we targeted him. He was a smaller kid with a rough home-life, looking back on it i fell this huge sense of regret in taking part in this, it just never seemed like bullying and i was totally against it from a young age because i was bullied by people i thought were my friends and so if i ever saw it happening i would stop it. Regret has always been a big part of my life, ever since i fully comprehended death at approximately 7, its been a huge thing, i signed up for every thing i could in primary school, i would talk to anyone i could ,never do anything bad and generally took every opportunity i could which has become almost a curse because now i regret doing those things and not going outside more and really living. Growing up i think i caused my brothers anxiety by always trying to male him look bad. I hated my brother growing up, i remember my mother said i held too many grudges against everyone which is ironic because i can't remember why i hated him in the first place. When i think about it its probably because he would play fight with me a lot (which i hated) and when he would get too rough i would punch him in the head so he would hit me til i was left a crying mess. I always got better grades than him, i would make all his small mistakes seem small and when he would hit me i would tell the parents on him which in turn meant my father yelled at him constantly. Last year he decided to move out to my mothers house instead of dads (they are divorced so we would go back and forth between houses) and i feel i strained their relationship.

Cant wait to drink a Guinness in exactly one hour

>>15230232
Part 3

I also feel by doing this i strained my mothers relationship with my brother, only talking to her about his problems and always feeling negative emotions of my father means that my mother was always fed up talking about it so they would bicker a lot and now when they speak they have almost no respect for each other. My relationship with every one in my year level at school was ruined before it began when i lied and said i ate pot brownies all the time, telling tales of my high misadventures. When i look back now know they knew they were lies, so when i finally did smoke weed for the first time i confessed to my friends that i had never smoked they laughed at me. On that same night i had apparently started crying over my crush at the time "Talarah", which i am scared of because i am not attracted to women and she was my beard crush that i would tell people so i feel in my state i probably said something about i how i think i may be trans. I had always been not like other guys my age (the exception being Robert and even then hes kind of a controlling asshole at times that is very verbally abusing) and i only learned of the term "Transgender" after masturbating for the first time at 15 to shemale porn ( i know also get it up to male porn). I do have some mild gender dysphoria but part of me has always seen being transgender as a sexual thing so i can't separate the two, so i am having an identity crisis at the moment. Do i not like being male or myself. I have nearly gone through with suicide many times this year grabbing bleach from the cupboard and being too much of a pussy to do it. Everyone that has ever said they are gonna kill themselves to 4chan always wants someone to talk them down, Someone help me please

>>15230347
i'm a horrible human being

why do i even have a life, whats my purpose

>>15227355
Of course normalfags exist, the chad is an "ideal" effortlessly attractive, strong, successful person. Normalfags can have any kind of flaws but are generally socially well-adapted; they have friends, have had or are able to enter romantic relationships with relative ease, and share the common interests and consume the same types of products and media as your typical person does.

What is /lit/‘s definition of “making it” in life? Hello all, am trying to kick my /pol/ addiction and replace it with /fit/ and /lit/. Why is it so hard to find a drive/passion to live for? Im at the point where I more or less know what I wanna do with my life, but don’t have the engine/blueprint to even know how to go about it. It’s like there’s two souls inside me that exist at once. One is a super-empathic and observant appreciator of people and life’s experience and wants to help unshackle the worlds minds and usher us back into nature and true free will. The other is this lazy dead-inside defeatist doomer slacker who, although is fully aware of the evil system, shrugs his shoulders and ultimately goes to bed every night convinced all efforts to change self and world are futile. *smokes weed and thinks deeply about how fucked up the world is and if it can be fixed only to pass out soon after and continue monotonous cycle of life*
I’m looking for mostly self-improvement and history/philosophy type books and discussion here, I know that’s broad as fuck but idk. I just want to turn myself around and stop living in my pain and thoughts and actually DO something. I feel like I’ve been an observer for too long and it makes me feel disconnected from everything. I’m ready to be a participant and at least attempt to live for something greater than myself. My main goals are to take care of my family, stop being a deadbeat at life, become healthy bodied and minded, and make a difference in the world by showing it that we can be truly free if we A)acknowledge that we humans are essentially viewed as batteries in a massive soulless machine-soultrap realm complete with algorithms, programmed beliefs and Interests, etc and B) break through said programming and as result, let go of the parameters we thought defined reality as result of this oppressive system we exist in and live in harmony.
Would appreciate and thoughts on this and feedback on how to start.

>>15224864
come a little closer then youll see

>>15225518
do people actually think about others when masturbating?

>>15230722
You don't?

I grew up around animals and it's been years since I've smelled the pungent and earthy scent of horse piss. You'd think it's not the kind of smell you'd look back fondly on, but it's a smell that awakens a whole world, one of sunshine, overgrown grass, buzzing flies and open horizons.

>>15231043
More cute teen girls please.

>>15230397
If this is serious, go talk to a professional, call a hotline or whatever else you need to do to find some anchor point in the real world. I wish i could help cause reading that i really feel for you, but there's just not much i can do other than replying.

>>15224356
I can't read when I'm hungover but I'm an alcoholic :/

I cured my snake anxiety without actually seeing a snake live. I just walked through the woods a lot in the last few months. That's all I did.

Today I heard that there was one at a certain spot. I secretly hoped I would stumble upon it soon.

What kind of exposure therapy is this. The anxiety was so severe I couldn't stand watching snakes on YouTube.

>>15224677
I've got itchy feet & a road to meet

>>15231276
I mean, now looking at them. It's a stick with a face.

>>15230543
It's too much work to lay out a whole game plan for you but here's a few general observations.
>Why is it so hard to find a drive/passion to live for?
Here's the thing. It's a mistake to think that a passion is something you find, instead it finds you. Having a passion is sort of like getting lucky. A cosmic alignment favors you, a universal RNG pulls your number, and you come to find you have an insatiable desire to learn everything there is to learn about the nitrogen cycle or 17th century Scottish history or whatever. You can't just go fishing for a passion and hope to turn out the prized catch. The best you can do if this kind of luck has not landed on you is be open and receptive to as much of what the world has to offer as possible. Better yet, be passionate about whatever process favors the most general and free openings and possibilities for you, such as a passion for learning or for beauty broadly construed.

Second thought: stop concerning yourself with trying to change the world. Don't bother. It won't work, and if it did work, it would most likely not stem from any intention of your own but because you were at the right places at the right times and got swept up in the ambient life of the world through coincidences and conjunctions. Forget the system and your tired Matrix analogies all that edgy blather. It's just distracting you from living your own life.

>>15231197
I really hope you aren't touching yourself to these girls Anon, some of them might be underage. You wouldn't touch yourself to a young, nubile 15 year old would you?

>>15231197
I hope you're not some kind of pervert Anon. I wouldn't want you lusting over young innocent girls still in high school

>>15231589
Forgot pic

>>15231276
It's bears that terrify me

>>15231276
>>15231305
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRW1-q1SU5U

beautiful, majestic creatures

Jackie Brown at twenty-six, with no expression on his face, said that he could get some guns. “I can get your pieces probably by tomorrow night. I can get you, probably, six pieces. Tomorrow night. In a week or so, maybe ten days, another dozen. I got a guy coming in with at least ten of them but I already talk to another guy about four of them and he’s, you know, expecting them. He’s got something to do. So, six tomorrow night. Another dozen in a week.”

The stocky man sat across from Jackie Brown and allowed his coffee to grow cold. “I don’t know as I like that,” he said. “I don’t know as I like buying stuff from the same lot as somebody else. Like, I don’t know what he’s going to do with it, you know? If it was to cause trouble to my people on account of somebody else having some from the same lot, well, it could cause trouble for me, too.”

“I understand,” Jackie Brown said. People who got out early from work went by in the November afternoon, hurrying. The crippled man hawked Records, annoying people by crying at them from his skate-wheeled dolly.

“You don’t understand the way I understand,” the stocky man said. “I got certain responsibilities.”

“Look,” Jackie Brown said, “I tell you I understand. Did you get my name or didn’t you?”

“I got your name,” the stocky man said.

“Well all right,” Jackie Brown said.

“All right nothing,” the stocky man said. “I wished I had a nickel for every name I got that was all right, I wished I did. Look at this.” The stocky man extended the fingers of his left hand over the gold-speckled For mica tabletop. “You know what that is?”

“Your hand,” Jackie Brown said.

“I hope you look closer at guns’n you look at that hand,” the stocky man said. “Look at your own goddamned hand.”

Jackie Brown extended the fingers of his left hand. “Yeah,” he said.

“Count your fucking knuckles,” the stocky man said.

“All of them?” Jackie Brown said.

“Ah Christ,” the stocky man said. “Count as many of them as you want. I got four more. One on each finger. Know how I got those? I bought some stuff from a man that I had his name, and it got traced, and the man I bought it for, he went to M C I Walpole for fifteen to twenty-five. Still in there, but he had some friends. I got an extra set of knuckles. Shut my hand in a drawer. Then one of them stomped the drawer shut. Hurt like a fucking bastard. You got no idea how it hurt.”

“Jesus,” Jackie Brown said.

aLL of you whiny faggots my age disgust me all of you I call thee upon when I walk around the people that extravert themselves but you people are scum, worse than scum. You post cum whores all day long complain about shit you cant complain on reddit and then then you fucking have the odacity to reply to me with a witty comment no way comprade shit like this doesnt happen in my state of affairs. I want to end all of you apart from butterfly cos she is atleast cool all you are fucking scum, you too quintin

why do women ruin everything? When women started joining a thing they just ruin the living fuck out of it. A man enjoys something a woman does enjoy it but she also wants attention I FUCKING HATE our socitey and sexuality that is bring forth onto us. Women are vile women that produce their bodies for capital are vile than vile women who produce their jugulars nude to the masses are out in the dirt of the road head stuck in the mud. This means women are a subspiecies i hope islam wins, Polish people are faggots as well shitty sounding language use kurwa alot sounds like jews talking black out drunk

Whats on my mind do you mean what goes on in my brain right now hmm Wow This is amazing I am typing on my computer keyboard I hope the girl whjo is reading this is pretty and gorgeuos and pretty I would love to fuck you sometime maybe add me on discord its suki suki fuki fuki three three four okay bitch also love your mom she is best

>>15224659

The ending is the big problem with modern novels. They often set up interesting situations or have fun along the way but they have trouble producing a satisfying conclusion.

Interestingly I saw a video on Youtube recently where a composer talked about endings in modern "serious" music, and said that he and all his colleagues are basically terrified of sounding corny or something so they never dare to do a proper Beethoven-style climax; they always do something ironic or cute or self-deprecating.

If you want to see a writer doing stories without any obvious ending, but still being super-satisfying, try Raymond Carver. Not sure it's going to give you a formula, but if you can learn from example, he's a good guy to start with. (Often the "satisfaction" comes from some sort of epiphany, where even if the character isn't going to change, or solve his problems, at least now he knows what his problems ARE. Obviously James Joyce did that a lot too, e.g. The Dead.)

>>15224659
The ending is the big problem with modern stories, I think. Writers often set up an interesting initial premise, and they might have a lot of fun along the way, but they rarely produce a satisfying conclusion.

I saw a video on Youtube recently where a composer talked about endings in modern "serious" music, and said pretty much the same thing; i.e. he and all his colleagues are basically terrified of sounding corny so they never dare to do a proper Beethoven-style climax; they always do something ironic or cute or self-deprecating. So I think it's a general problem with modern culture.

If you want to see a writer who can be super-satisfying without an obvious "climax", try Raymond Carver. I doubt it's going to give you a formula, but if you can learn from example, he's a good guy to study. Often the "satisfaction" comes from some sort of epiphany; so even though the MC isn't going to change, and isn't going to solve his problems, at least now he knows what his problems ARE. Several other famous writers have been fond of this, of course. Flannery O'Connor is one. James Joyce is another (The Dead being the most famous example).

God damn, I thought /lit/ was one of the good boards... Are all 4chan users really just retarded, pimply faced dumbass computermales?

>>15231935
nigger are you a tourist? Please go back and yes I do have pimple and Yes I am an incel so please move along

My right lung feels much weaker than my left. Every time I smoke now my right lung hurts and sometimes when I've smoked a lot it feels like taking a breath is a 2-stage thing, like I can feel some mechanical rube goldberg thing clicking over inside it. Last time I was on acid I got to panicking that my right lung was "dead" and wasn't moving at all when I inhaled/exhaled and could see and feel that I was living on one lung, but I think that's actually wrong.

>>15231965
Did go to the doc about it?

>>15231270
I can't be hungover when I read but I'm addicted to books :(

The older I get the more I see normies as animals.

>>15231428
That looks just like my sister’s face

>>15232024
No. I'm afraid to. I put these things off and try to pretend they don't exist. I'd rather use this to quit smoking than go to a doc.

how much of your life do you put in your work? do you just change names here and there or come up with something completely alien to you?

>>15232054
Anon, please do it for yourself, maybe its just a minor problem which is easily fixable. I dont want that you'd regret it.

Sometimes i either feel nothing or feel too much. I wish i could see a way to normalize it.

>>15232049
Is she single? Does it conflict you when you jerk off to that image?

>>15231428
Of course not! She's really fifteen though huh?
The girls I definitely wouldn't be attracted to the most would be about 13ish.

>>15224356
Anons... I got kicked out of the digital library for downloading too many books. I just wanted to grab all of Cambridge Uni Press's books since they're temporarily free with my uni login. I managed to get "Cambridge Ancient History" all 14 volumes and "Cambridge economic history of Europe" only 2 volumes before being kicked for suspicipious behaviour. I think I'll resume downloading tomorrow, get kicked again, use someone elses credentials for a bit, then design a bot to harvest the textbook PDFs faster. fuck acadamia desu
>>15232046
iktf. Their consumption without limits disgusts me, like a dog that stumbled upon the full bag of kibble.
>>15232130
It's cliche but try meditation, or just generally try to be conscious when you get into those states. Whenever I get into a manic sort of state obsessing over irrelevant things I now have a habit of thinking "what would a bird do". I guess the generalisation of that would be "what would my role model do", I love birds and aspire to their attitudes. I think sincerely what a bird would do, and realise quickly that whatever I'm getting worked up about is just some modern bullshit. Birds don't use computers so I stop worrying about what the angry screen is telling me. Feeling nothing is a frequent part of my day but I struggle to solve that, the best I've got is to just appreciate the few beautiful things that exist as they pass by in a sea of ugliness.

Teaching a man to fish can't feed him for life....if he doesn't like fishing.

My poems have gone from pretentious, pseudo-philosophical nonsense to short observation-based pieces that are often almost child-like in simplicity. I feel much better about my recent work than I ever did about the old stuff, but I worry that people read poems like mine and reduce them to "there was a bird and it was pretty," and that's even how I describe my poetry to other people, though I think there is something more to it than that. All of my writing comes directly from personal experience, and I wouldn't be writing about those moments if I didn't feel that there was something vital in them, even though it often takes a while for me to have any idea what that is. A lot of poetry seems pompous and self-involved to me, or it doesn't feel grounded in anything real. My main problem with Instagram poetry is that it's all just words; its lack of anything concrete is a symptom of these times in which most people tune out their surroundings for the sake of their screens. The poets of today, at least the ones who get any attention, don't know how to look and see the world around them. I guess readers don't either, and that worries me. However, I hope that my poems might open people's eyes to those things. I want my poems to make people notice the blackbirds that perch in out their windows, and the way the slanting sunlight hits a weed. I want to let the real world speak, not dazzle people with empty rhetoric. Fuck off, Ocean Vuong.

>>15232203
>I love birds and aspire to their attitudes

Working a gardening gig in Los Angeles. I found these script pages in the trash.

Don: Yes, whoa. Fucking, one of my fucking idiot brothers got fucking popped up there.

Barry: Oh yeah.

Don: Yeah, fucking idiot was doing, fucking weed deal or some fucking stupid thing.

Barry: Fucking knuckle head.

Don: Yeah, what a fucking knuckle head. You know what I mean? I said, what are you doing fucking around with that, you know what I mean?

Barry: Oh my god.

Don: I didn't know. I can only police my fucking guys so much. Know what I mean.

Barry: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don: So I didn't know. I got no control, you know what I mean, they're all men. I got no control over them. He got caught with twenty pounds.

Barry: Oh my god.

Don: Then they raided the house and I guess they found a—some white powder substance in the garage. Yeah.

Barry: Wow.

Don: I mean, up in Maine, weed is nothing. Twenty pounds is a slap in the hand. You probably get five years. Or three years. But that white stuff up there, they take that serious.

Barry: Yeah, they don't fuck around with that shit, huh?

Don: Yeah, they don't fuck around with that.

In the last few months I legit felt like I'm avoiding conflict or I'm a person who is not ready to face criticism. But it's never been good criticism, it's been toxic at worst and a bore at best.

I made some moves that can be literally described as cowardly running away from confrontation. It saved my damn ass. I didn't need some genius psychoanalytical advice. I needed space.

>>15231965
Are you a tall thin dude? Could be spontaneous pneumothorax, feel if your chest rises evenly on both sides when you take a deep breath.

>>15224391
Before the Romans he could.

>>15231411
Totally get what you’re saying. And right around late February before this lockdown, I felt like I was opening myself up to the universe and it was opening itself up to me and I was starting to “get it” and felt like things were happening to me just by my good intentions and mindfulness sort of manifesting good things. Then march came around, which for some reason has always been the month that shitty things happen to me and voila, I get fired on march1 and lockdown happens, negating progress I felt I made bc once I get filled with negative thoughts and worry, that’s when I’m at my worst. Hence, the lacking drive part. Like today I didn’t get out of bed with racing thoughts and information overload browsing /pol/ etc. I know this is bad for me so I seek refugee with you guys. And as for the saving the world part, I’m not saying I want to be Neo, be “the one” to save us. I just mean I know way too much about the abusive/sickening/exploitative nature of the people that run the world, hence the leaving /pol/ part, to enjoy life because I know pretty much every industry is corrupted in endless ways and I’m too ultra aware of everything to just sit idly and let it happen without at least bringing it to light in some ways.

>>15231043
@? I meant people u actually know

>>15232682
there's a woman at the cafe i go to that i think about when im masturbating, she's not even that attractive but i think she likes me. i also think about the receptionists at my workplace too. i am very lonely.

>>15232682
I do it all the time. Are you a girl? If you're a pretty girl I guarantee someone has masturbated to you. Even if you're not a pretty girl someone probably has given you at least a pity rub.

In fact I'm masturbating to your post right now :)

>>15224356
Islam is what Christianity was supposed to be if it had any fucking balls.

>>15232811
Islam is Mohammed copying Jesus' idea for some fresh 9 year old puss

>>15232480
>feel if your chest rises evenly on both sides when you take a deep breath.
i dont know how to measure that lol

>>15232805
>>15232748
just found it strange cuz i have never done that

>>15232887
Are you asexual? Do you find other people attractive? I'm just wondering how you've never thought to jerk off to, say, your classmates when they wear skimpy clothing

>>15232887
You're definitely the weird one in this instance.

>>15232925
>>15232903
mate i dont know i get dreams and shit but i dont think of em

>>15232946
Hey more power to you, I guess. I'm just surprised.

I have to develop a short story about a man that has a log strapped to his shoulders. He is allowed full use of his hands, since the log is connected to his neck by a latticework of chains. Although this freedom of his hands is to keep the log parallel with his shoulders, since it will snap his neck from the slightest bend. Anyways, the man is the first criminal to get away. He is rescued by an elderly man that promises him a second chance at life, which brings the man to tears. The next scene they are on stage: the criminal has his nose, ear and arm replaced by elephant parts. The elderly man confesses he did this because he loves the man, while he bobs back and forth, thrusting his hips with lust in his eyes. The elephant man let's off this piercing elephant whatever nose horn. The story ends with the elephant man fellating the man to orgasm.

I'm gonna submit it to a short story contest but if it doesn't win imma just put it on my blog

Perhaps we should return to simple pleasures

>>15224505
ew

>>15232955
keep in mind im virgin and borderline autistic which seems to be the status quo around here

My grandma might be dying

>>15224420
You should start by losing your virginity

>>15232992
Do you watch porn?

>>15233016
yeah but i get distracted very often usually halfway through my mind wanders towards whatever math i was studying beforehand

>>15224420
I don't know the exact answer, but part of the reason sex was so good with my ex was because I liked to give her pleasure. I loved seeing her face contort and her moans in ecstacy as I pounded her pussy. She loved to be dominated and held down.

Sex is ultimately about domination and submission. Women love to submit. By agreeing to sex with you they are submitting themselves as the fairer sex. Tease her for it. Spank her for it. Make her feel like a dirty slut and she'll keep coming back for more.

>>15233047
Interesting.

>>15231104
I grew up working at an animal sanctuary, and whenever I smell manure I feel nostalgic. You're not alone.

>>15224659
Psychological endings need to take a stance on a psychological condition. You can't sit on the fence if you want the ending to feel "complete." Make your character take a stand. If you want to show two different sides of the same coin have a double for the character that takes the opposite stand. But the worst way to end a psychological story is to finish with some banality about nihilism. If your character is a nihilist use dramatic irony to make the ending interesting (this is where doubles can be useful). Have them kill themselves, have them kill someone else, make them have a religious conversion, have them confess. There are so many ways you can make a good ending by just taking a side. Also, not religious but, the bible and ovid's metamorphoses are great sources of small stories that you can extrapolate psychological stories from.

The Hunger Artist is a better story than I'd initially given it credit for. One is not an artist because they are strong enough to be one but because they are too weak to be anything else.

>>15233089
It was very Kafka-esque for him to starve to death while writing it

Your taste for literature did not come from your father, who read little. But from your mother, who taught it. You wondered how, being so different, they could have formed a union. But you noted that in you there was a mixture of the violence of the one and the gentleness of the other. Your father exerted his violence on others. Your mother was sympathetic to the suffering of others. One day you directed the violence you had inherited towards yourself. You dished it out like your father and you took it like your mother

>>15233122
how much did you pay for that MFA

The thing with Christians is that they have no shadow. How can I respect someone who doesn't cast a shadow in the light?

>>15233124
The same as everyone else: too much

How can one fully combine music and literature?

>>15233178
Ask Neutral Milk Hotel

Why yes, my music intake does solely consist of touhou ost remixes, how did you know?

>>15233232
Your autism kinda gave it away

>>15233122
1.5/10

>>15233122
>grew up reading books and discussing literature with dad
>started with Walking With Dinosaurs at age 5
>read His Dark Materials and all the Narnia books together during middle school
>currently working through Crime & Punishment together
>call him up on the phone from uni to talk about books
>mom reads The Fault in Our Starts and other momcore stuff and watches Law & Order

feelsgoodman

Temptation of Christ
40 days and 40 nights
Logos, The Scapegoat

Finished reading Moby dick but I don’t feel any different. Going to read a new book tomorrow

>>15233122
you ok anon?

>>15232887
same
I'm a man and I masturbate, but I never fantasize about anyone from my life
I usually make up characters and imagine erotic scenarios with them
I've been doing it since my first fap, and it never occurred to me to use people I know
and frankly it creeps me out that people do that
it seems disrespectful
most of my friends are women, and I don't know if I could ever look at them the same way if I jerked off to fantasies involving them

>>15226583
People are all cut from the same stone. Shape your statue how you will - you cannot change what you're made of.

>>15224356
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

>>15234098
I want it all to burn lads.

I know /lit/ doesnt consider song lyrics poetry but I really like a lot of Phil Elverum's songwriting.

>I felt a longing, a childish melancholy and then I went to sleep and the aching was buried, dreaming, ageing, reaching for an idea of somewhere other than this place that could fold me into clouded yearning for nowhere actually reachable, the distance was the point…
>When I was 24 I followed this ache to an Arctic Norwegian cabin where I said ‘fuck the world’ in a finally satisfying a way, I stayed through the winter and emerged as an adult.

>>15234098
Most honest and well-spoken post in the history of this board.

Understanding how I ended up like this and can narrow it down to a single fateful decision. Oh God, why did I ever listen to my parents?

>>15234108
He's an incredible lyricist. I've never cried listening to an album but A Crow Looked at Me had me crying like a baby. The way he describes losing his wife to Pancreatic cancer and how he has to raise their daughter alone is heartbreaking.

>I brought a chair from home, I'm leaving it on the hill
>Facing west and north, and I poured out your ashes on it
>I guess so you can watch the sunset
>But the truth is I don't think of that dust as you
>You are the sunset

>>15234159
It sounds a bit cheesy but I think Elvrum (particularly the Mount Eerie stuff) played an enormous role in shaping my personal philosophy and view of the world. I got really into Sauna and Lost Wisdom in particular when I was 18 and they were very formative, but I love all his albums. The way his lyrics alternate between a desire for a spiritual connection with the natural world and a stark recognition of the absurdity of existence really resonates with me.

>This whole past summer was a lingering heatwave
>And I remember late August, our open bedroom window, going through your things with the fan blowing
>And the sound of helicopters, and the smell of smoke
>From the forest fire that was growing, billowing just on the edge of town where we used to swim
>They say a natural, cleansing devastation, burning in the understory, erasing trails, there is no end

>But when I'm kneeling in the heat throwing out your underwear
>The devastation is not natural or good, you do belong here
>I reject nature

>>15234102
i dont believe you

>>15234205
>The way his lyrics alternate between a desire for a spiritual connection with the natural world and a stark recognition of the absurdity of existence really resonates with me.

I couldn't have said it better myself, and the lyric you posted is a fantastic example. Or like in the track Seaweed when he has the sickening realization that he's slowly forgetting things about his wife. We hear him panicking as he tries to identify birds and flowers in the landscape that she cared about, pointing out his own fight against entropy and how he despises it. It's really quite something, and I can think of no other currently active musician who's able to express ideas like this so simply and elegantly. It's a great thing to be influenced by.

I first discovered his work when I was out living in the deserts of New Mexico as a field guide and outdoor educator. There were times where I had to fly a student to a hospital in Moab because the desert heat was killing them, and other moments of sublime beauty where I'd walk under the stars alone at night in the gentle warm summer winds of that place, taking in the star light. The natural world is as beautiful as it is merciless, and Phil understands this.

I used to fall asleep to this song of his while I was out there. He captures the aural and literary character of the wind in a way that's pretty dear to me, in a way that makes me go "ah, someone else gets it, and says it better than me." Despite everything it entails, I find it calming:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68Waq21QB9A

>>15234219
You're right. I just want to feel something

I believe I was fortunate enough to converse with a true genius once exactly on this thread. I have been monitoring the thread in case they return, but alas.

even in my dreams i'm humiliated and rejected by women

>>15234108

It's crazy because apparently he started making music just because he liked producing and he just wrote lyrics for whatever he made, but the lyrics are the main thing I like about his music.

Especially this song. It really hits home like nothing else and describes a certain emotion that I don't regularly hear.

I also really find his use of natural imagery, especially about the pacific northwest really affective, probably because I'm from Oregon. It has like twin peaks vibes

i'm so fucking lonely jesus CHRIST

>>15234508
based

>>15234422
What did they talk about?

Don't forget the cardinal rules of aging well, /lit/. Follow these rules and you will not look old before your time:

1. Drink plenty of water
2. Get plenty of sleep
3. Don't smoke
4. Don't do hard drugs
5. Don't get drunk often
6. Stay out of the sun

Do all these things and you will look great into your 30s and 40s and even your 50s.

>>15234562
You forgot
>Don't let waves of minorities overrun your country

>>15234562
Its correct but dont forget that genetics plays a big part too.

>>15234279
Those are some very nice memories anon, thank you for sharing. I remember being a couple of months out of high school, in the mountains working a job an old teacher of mine had offered me - listening to Mount Eerie, breathing the cold air and looking at the landscape, feeling like I was on the precipice of a new stage in my life, feeling both nervous and excited.

It's funny you mention Wind Poems, because I love (in a depressing way) the throwback line in Pumpkin from Sauna:
>finding meaning in songs, but the wind through the graves is just wind

>>15234279
Those are some very nice memories anon, thank you for sharing. I remember being a couple of months out of high school, in the mountains working a job an old teacher of mine had offered me - listening to Mount Eerie, breathing the cold air and looking at the landscape, feeling like I was on the precipice of a new stage in my life, feeling both nervous and excited.

It's funny you mention Wind Poems, because I love (in a depressing way) the throwback line in Pumpkin from Sauna:
>looking at garbage, pretending the wind speaks
>finding meaning in songs, but the wind through the graves is just wind

>>15234508
It’s okay anon, remember all the women out there right now who are alone too.

>3 AM. Guess it's time for bed
How does one get a normal, healthy sleep schedule? Especially when the passage of time is so meaningless right now because I can't go out.

>>15234596
Then keep all those 2-litre bottles of genetics out of your fridge and you should be ok.

These are some thoughtful replies, much obliged gentlemen.
>>15231917
What you describe with modern writing and modern music certainly sounds like it can be applied to me as well sadly.
>Often the "satisfaction" comes from some sort of epiphany; so even though the MC isn't going to change, and isn't going to solve his problems, at least now he knows what his problems ARE.
Yes! or the end of Nabokov's first novel where he realizes the reason their love affair ended the first time.A MC's behaviors haven't necessarily changed, but some insight has been revealed to them that may or may not change the course of their life.
Will read 'the Dead' tonight, been years since I've read Dubliners.
>>15233084
> But the worst way to end a psychological story is to finish with some banality about nihilism.
Agreed. And that I feel is my problem. It's not so much that my characters are nihilistic. It's just giving them a happy ending or allowing their will to triumph over the world feels dishonest. While a truly tragic ending only works with a truly tragic hero.
Shall look into Ovid's Metamophoses and the ol' Bible

Lockdown is going to end soon because normgroids can't handle it which is a shame. It was like i had gone back to my NEET days and reading a fuck ton, just this time getting paid to do it. I do not want to go back to "normal"

>>15234802
1. remove all curtains
2. strategically place clocks around your room so they are visible at all times (heh)
3. maintain a regular drink, food and sleep schedule, if you are not tired in the evening, exhaust yourself by jogging around the block

>>15234749
>women
>lonely

>>15234749
>women are lonely because no rich Chad will ask them out

About to finish my honours dissertation, I don't think I've ever had a year where I read so little fiction

>>15234802
>Especially when the passage of time is so meaningless right now because I can't go out.
Set yourself a task or activity for tomorrow. Something you actually would like and look forward to doing rather than something you feel guilted into doing as a way of regaining control over your life.

The child has its knights and dragons. The adult has his philosophy and religion. And me, I'm too limited to see the difference. I am reasonably content with my senses. But thinking gives me a headache. Sometimes one should think of one's thoughts as physical things. The thought as a popping up cube, the sides of which you can look at, rubbing against pyramids and orbs, and then popping away again into the subconscious or somewhere else. Just now I get the idea what this train of thought is all about. I am not a philosopher. So why do I get so caught up in these stories? [...] There are people who can say about a human's life: "This one is messed up. This one is a success." There are other people who don't have the stomach for this. These are enlightened people and scoundrels. [...] Poetic language is nothing other than figurative language. Anyone who creates images in the listener's imagination is a poet. If you say: "Since that day he did not love her any more", information is conveyed, but in too dry a way. The image is missing. "That day" is not a image. Love is not an image. The activity of stopping is not an image. It is an abstract! And the poet must paste flesh onto this skeleton of abstractions. "His love was a stick. When she betrayed him, it broke in two." [...] Reason recognized this instinct and exaggerated and extended it to unconditional love of the fatherland. Excessiveness is the essence of reason. To put a stop to it is the function of our instinctual, fleshen sense. Reason is by its very nature unreasonable and in constant battle with our instincts. [...] The enumeration is the block sentence in its purest form. Here the contents of meaning stand slenderly side by side. A triumph of clarity. [...] "The only thing I long for is longing. My calmness is driving me crazy. It's unbearable how easily we accept our lives." [...] "If my well-being gives you no pleasure; your sorrow gives me no grief. What do you do for me? You could close your eyes and everything would go on as before." [...] "If not as an angel, as the devil! Call it pride, call it arrogance."

Translated with www.DeepL.com/Translator (free version)

All conspiracy theories are boring

i dont know how to amor fati.

>>15224356
>Move to Japan right as Abe puts the country on lock down
>Get cucked out of my first month of work with my super hot JTE
>Record a few podcasts with the boys back home, but mostly just spend the month fucking around
>Supposed to return to work at the end of next week
>Call my coordinator to double check some things
>Turns out school's been postponed for an additional month
I'm filled with a swelling energy to actually make this month productive. I really hope I don't end up spending another month jerking off and playing Minecraft

Can someone trick Rose into coming over here? I want to put this screwdriver through her skull. I'll stab it through her fucking eye sockets.

>>15233232
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3oehwI7oDA

I can't help it, they are just that good.

I hate Rose so fucking much. I wish her whole family would fucking drop dead.

Is it cool to not hang out with a female friend as much if hanging around her makes you feel emasculated by how much she talks about other dudes? I don't even want to fuck her that badly but driving her around and hanging out with her while she talks about other dudes she's fucking makes me feel like a chump and that I should be spending time with somebody who actually looks at me that way

>>15236259
You idiot. Women do this when they want you to think about them in a more sexual way, and look at how well it’s working. She wants to fuck you.

>>15236259
yeah, uhm either a)
>>15236432
he's right, and you should teach her what adults call "The Wheelbarrow",
or b) if she says no, you should stop getting audiocucked.

>>15224356
The void of the future isn't real - it is an abstraction.

And abstractions aren't real by definition. They are models, approximations, over-simplifications of reality. The simple toys with which a child plays doctor. And, while many men conjecture about the nature of their world, few go out to experience it to get results. The chasm between theory and practice, between mind and body, is a gap no amount of sophistry can bridge. It must be felt - the hard friction fragile expectations first encounter. The anguish and inevitable degradation as they are replaced with the substrate of real experience. It is growth you are feeling then, painful and strange. Your old ego feels itself diminishing, being replaced. And a new self is born. Awareness and callus are your new friends. Expectation is the calling card of the fool - and you now much better identify them. No longer the prey - you are the predator - no longer the hunted - you are the hunter. These powers the trials of experience reward you. Abandon the milieu and enter the world - come join the hunt.

>>15232560
Ah, true.

>>15227690
you're a gift to the world, never forget. That emptiness inside of you is to be filled. There is something rather than nothing - the external universe and you. Suicide is a consequence of nothing, nothing is a consequence of introspectivity. Look outward and see something rather than nothing. Being alive in the most essential way, struggling, feeling, thinking, interacting, loving all comes from that, which fills that nothingness: the world outside.

>>15233001
Condolences anon, I'll pray for her and you

>>15235291
Number 2 is actually beautiful in its simplicity. Speaking from experience

>>15235291
>exhaust yourself by jogging around the block
i try this sometimes and it only seems to wake me up more. i go for a run i come back like i've got a second wind, and it doesn't help that running makes me so hungry too.

also masturbating and smoking weed, both common before going to sleep rituals for many people only wake me up and prevent me from sleeping for another hour or two.

Only 2D women deserve my semen!

>>15225410
I think I'm trapped in that state forever. Lately I don't even get out of bed anymore.

>>15224505
That's a new one for me bro. Bravo

>>15232186
You might get lucky looking in the archives of /tv/, I think last october 2019, if you know what I mean.

>>15236259
Chauffeuring some chick around is always bad news

>>15235344
>>15235362
Women do get lonely for the company of men, just not you in particular.

>>15235907
Doesn't matter

>>15234802
Nocturnal life is comfy my dude. What do you have to do in the morning anyway?

>>15234562
Honestly I can't wait to look like a gnarled old motherfucker. I'd love to be grey and wrinkled at 40.

Sometimes I think "Man, my life really sucks. I wish I could sell drugs and fuck hot girls, living that high life." but then I realize that I don't even know anyone that sells drugs and that I am a virgin.

>>15239009
You don't know anyone who sells drugs? Not even a distant acquaintance?

>>15239028
I use to sell Adderall but now I can't even get ahold of weed in my state.

Philosophy vs Mathematics and why?

>>15224356
Trying to remember the name of a book i read a while ago, it was called "camp (some number)" and was about voluntary association in a small camp in rural california where duelling is allowed, all through the eyes of a new arrival

>>15238882
>Doesn't matter
Why?

i've been reporting all off topic threads and not replying to any of them lately. if all of you fags could do the same we might reclaim our board. stop taking bait. thanks

>>15239028
I am sure that I could get some contacts through old school mates or through my brother. Hell, I am in university so some in there probably deals.

Sometimes I fail to adequately convey myself or feelings or opinions, and it gets me into weird situations where I think a person is looking down on me or is making snide remarks behind my back, but most of the time it's just my imagination toying with my emotions. Am I a weird person? Most probably, and I pay my dues for being like that, for liking to be like that. But deep down I know it is the right choice, the only way to liberate oneself from the rat race of society. Pic related some shit.

I am free to do whatever I want as a NEET yet I feel more trapped than ever before. Now my mom is getting tired of my shit. This is not gonna end well.

>>15239437
You forgot this one.

Anyone else just...confused at the moment? What are we even supposed to be doing with our time right now? With this lockdown and all the uncertainty of what’s coming next, I feel like we’re supposed to be preparing, whether in practical or intangible ways. Besides exercising mind and body, is there something in particular we should be doing? Every day feels like it’s over before it’s begun and am starting to lose my bearings

>>15224356
I used to read a lot on the toilet, but I stopped because it seemed an indignity to the authors I'm reading. That's not to mention the horrid thought of perfuming all the pages with my own Stygian vapors. The only author I still read on the toilet is Bukowski because I think he would approve. Hell, I like to think of him happily straining and farting along. We'd clink our beer bottles together whenever one of us made a really fine splash.

>>15239634
this is how NEETS feel all the time, its no big deal

>>15224356
can't wait to die and listen to god's retarded excuses. listening to him explaining himself is going to be glorious

>>15239720
Please, allow me to assume you are in the most respectable position of making rightful accusations. This goes without saying, but of course, this would require you to HAVE lived past the age of 27, to HAVE read the Bible, and to HAVE walked with God for at least a whole year. So without further ado, I will quit my irony and you will quit your heresy.

>>15224356
I'm just writing on a novel thing I started at the beginning of quarantine. Not sure what it is, nor am I sure of where it's going, but I'm having fun. I think that's good enough.

Putting irrelevant memes in a whatsapp group doesn't count as a sense of humour

>>15240162
Agreed. If more people wrote what they enjoyed there’d be more great books.

Should I text her

>>15239971
You talk like a fag and your shit's all retarded

>>15239634
Do what you want, all bets are off for now. So begins the long dark weekend of the soul

>>15239575
You draw those? They're good

>>15239435
Even if you rage against your fate, doing so grants a perverse satisfaction, right? People love to complain about their lot in life, they enjoy it immensely. Either way, you're stuck with your fate.

>>15240745
Have you fucked her?

>>15224415
Lord, that's a good belly. Based taste.

Well, my mind was on how I felt like my zeal for life had been drained, but yours got me on a different train of thought. I think my attraction to bellies/chub is due to early trauma at the hands of my mother as a kid, which totally put me off sex. Entirely. But the people who eventually got me out of that situation and first showed me affection had chubby/loud bellies I'd cuddle up against, so it'd stand to reason I'd like those two things. I love bellies, and I think they're pretty fantastic, but looking at all the failed relationships in the past that fizzled out due to lack of sex and seeing how happy it makes other people, I really wish I had normal sexual desires sometimes. I wonder if I'll ever find anyone who can deal with this? Sex is so much more important to girls than incels make it out to be, they're just as goddamn horny as men and it sucks.

>>15240847
No

I'd like to though, among other things

>>15238009
You should exercise in the morning so that you're tired by the evening. If you run at night it'll wake you up more.

I write weird lewdfics for fun. Not a grand literary pursuit, I know, but it's fun, dirty and actually gets attention, plus it's good practice. I feel like I've found a secret to writing them well, though, and I want to see if anyone else who writes them feels the same way, too.

I write lewd shit the same way I would write horror. That really is the closest genre I can draw it to, and the resemblance is uncanny. In both horror and smut, people *need* detail. Exceptional detail. Gruesome detail. Whether you want to be afraid or horny, you have to be as immersed in the world as possible. Also shared is the need for a slower pace. Buildup is key in both, and anyone who's read both will tell you that it's hilariously awful when the author just jumps into AAAAAA SAVE ME NIGGERMAN in horror or right into the spicy parts of erotic fiction with little or no buildup. Some may argue that someone reading an erotic work might not want to read a bunch of buildup and just jerk one out, but it's still a great idea to include plenty anyhow. Someone like that would have skipped to the part they wanted to read no matter HOW concise you make the buildup, whereas someone who enjoys a story playing out will very much appreciate and enjoy it.

That's all. I just wanted to get it out there to SOMEONE, maybe see if anyone else who writes lewd shit or reads it a lot agrees.

>>15236926
You had me in the first half.

Thanks for absolutely fucking nothing, guys. Hell, I don't even want my car fixed or to drive even. I'll just push this one around town with a broken fucking engine. That's what you selfish fucks would love.

1/0=infinity is true philosophically but not mathematically. This is because mathematics by necessity values consistency over completeness.

>>15241061
>I write lewd shit the same way I would write horror. That really is the closest genre I can draw it to
That reminds me of an introduction Stephen King wrote to one of his short story collections in which he said something about fear and sexual arousal being similar states of mind

>>15240745
The answer is always yes

>>15241586
Makes sense. He always includes these weird descriptions of his characters' junk during moments of terror. Something like, "As the beast closed in, Johnny scrambled up the embankment, dick thumping meatily against left thigh, as if ticking away the last few minutes of life in a swollen ecstasy."

>>15241586
Exactly! I've read that too. Though arousal via fear is more of a girl thing (Not spewing incel garbage, just from what I've seen from commissions), I can definitely see how they're similar states of being and are achieved through similar methods, namely complete immersion in the moment and all of its tension.

>>15241618
>Look this up
>Article about a tumblr exclusively dedicated to all the boners in Stephen King's writings
>It's real

Holy shit. This man was a penis FIEND

Any books on being obsessed with idealized two dimensional images of women you will never know or meet on human terms?

Asking for a friend, of course.

>>15242392
And by "two dimensional images" my friend means long involved fantasy lives.

She ghosted me

>writefag
>wrote a few novels but there's still the ONE that stands above all others
>unpublished
>took a hiatus on it after first batch of queries didn't yield success
>finally dragged it back out to reread
>read the first section (~3 pages) and already have an avalanche of feels pouring in
>got the query back out to polish it up
it's so fucking good, bros. why don't the agents understand that? i would stake my very life on it, that's how strong my feelings for this are. i just want to get it published, i just want someone else to share these feelings with me. other than one early beta-reader no one else has read this novel but me. imagine being the only soul in the whole world to have read a book you find absolutely earth-shattering, something you could compose your entire life around, a mountain to build a castle upon. and no one else knows what you've read.

>>15242653
Post a page of it

For years I thought I was bipolar, because in addition to depression I had rare states of bottomless passion and enthusiasm that I misdiagnosed as hypomania. There were inconsistencies however. I had no negative side-effects during these periods, I wasn't more sexually active, and I could remember times of my life where the hypomania was on for years at a time. My therapists refused to refer to it as hypomania because of the anomalies, but I refused to listen. today however, the truth finally hit me between the eyes.

That's not hypomania, I'm just so rarely happy that I forgot what it is

>>15224415
>>15224990
I don't know why there are so many pictures of fat girls in this thread but it's making me want to masturbate. Holy FUCK do I love fat girls. If you don't have this fetish you'll never fully appreciate the sheer boiling arousal I feel seeing and thinking about big girls, plump girls, lardy girls. All their bulging acres of wobbly, jiggly flesh. All those rolls and folds, their huge dimpled ass cheeks and their guts that hang below their pussies and their heavy double chins that ooze down towards their collarbones when they open their mouths. I'm actually getting steadily more erect typing this out. I can't get enough of them. I know that objectively it's bad to want to date them and marry them but I do not care. I'd love nothing more than a great big fat wife who just got bigger and bigger the more I let her eat and the more children I made her pump out. It would be paradise.

The whole spiritual universe is shattered by the hand of atheism and split into countless mercurial dots of ego's that blink, run, wander, merge and diverge, without unity and permanence. No one is so much alone in the universe as a denier of God - he mourns with an orphaned heart that has lost the greatest Father, next to the immense corpse of nature, which no world spirit stirs and holds together, growing in its grave; and he mourns until he himself crumbles away from the corpse. The whole world rests before him like the great Egyptian sphinx of stone, half in the sand; and the universe is the cold iron mask of formless eternity.

As prisoners of war in the hydraulic engineering and pit-room work of critical philosophy, these people are now contemplating the absence of God as cold-bloodedly and cold-heartedly as if there were talk of the existence of the octopus and the unicorn.

I note that the belief in atheism can be combined without contradiction with the belief in immortality; for the same necessity that in this life threw my light dewdrop of self into a chalice of flowers and under a sun can be repeated in the second; - yes, even more easily it can embody me for the second time than for the first.

I can't masturbate lately. I am feeling no lust, only longing and sex objects are doing nothing for me. I just want to hold someone and be held. I want to live for someone and for her to live for me.

Still swinging between feeling a desperate need to find a new job, and feeling comfortable about the fact I have savings and it doesn't really matter if the number diminishes as long as there's still enough left. The way things are looking I can get back into my old at job in August. I sent out another application today but did not receive the confirmation e-mail they said they would send me, I am confus.

>>15224637
I've never made a post to this board before, but I want you to know that ending was really unexpected and made me laugh really, really hard. thanks anon

I've always been intrigued by translation work, and after taking a class on it plus reading an inspiring book, I really wish it was as easy as to write to a publisher and ask if they need any work done. Especially now in times like the current, when every gig can help.

>>15244311
I haven’t been doing translation, but if you want an interesting way to read new things and to make a little money there are remote transcription services that need work done, especially right now in the law and medical fields. You can get $60/audio-hour which comes out to about $15/hour of labor. I enjoy it.

>>15242653
it can take years to get recognized; don't give up
the industry sucks and it's not uncommon for great and hugely successful books to be rejected, like, hundreds of times before being accepted
if you truly believe that strongly in the book, just keep sending it out

I feel incredibly disturbed by the fact that, through reading some philosophy, I have also come to understand that I am less than human. Not even half human. And that all the future holds for me and my kind is slavery and death, and since I'm so fucking weak and stupid, basically I have to choose between chains and a noose, all the while, with ressentiment, being eternally jealous of how much richer and amazing the lives of my superiors will be. That I'll never be on their intellectual level, never be that strong, or willful, or passionate. Torture to know of the heights of which these people will reach, to also know that I will never reach them because I am genetic trash with an even worse upbringing. Best of all, I'm still too cowardly to kill myself out of despair.

I am too much of a pussy to commit suicide. But I am really hoping that coronachan is going to end my pathetic existence. I want to escape myself.

Blind Owl is such a dreamy and surreal book, thank you anon for the recommendation. Sometimes I read one paragraph and dream for several hours.

>>15243033
You are ahead of your time. Wait 10-15 more years and this will be mainstream taste. Disgusting as far as I'm concerned but what is taste other than a mix of evolution and culturally accepted presentation of aesthetics.

So I wrote a bunch of pseud tier philosophical ramblings during a phase of psychosis, do you think if I would refine it I could try to send it out? It's about 350 pages about being, life, suffering and similar topics in a rather neutral yet passionate style of writing.

>>15224415
He’d say

>>15244749
Have you considered polish up some bits as separate pieces? It would be a good way to test the waters.

I am almost done with my junior year in Biotechnology and i’ve grown to hate it. My values have changed completely since I began college. I don’t have a true passion for biotech & in my first few jobs I might not even make 50k. I want to be a writer for my career. I don’t want to live in some disgusting city. I want to live in the country & have 4-5 beautiful children. I really don’t even have much ambition for a career, my ultimate goal in life is to be a father.

Living with brain damage is terrible and I want to be dead already but I'm scared that dying will be painful and terrifying (regardless of when it happens) but I can't do the things I want to while I'm alive either, I'm stuck in a half-life in a sea of decay

Is there a canon of 20th century plays? I looked a bit and every list online is just Broadway galore.

>>15245027
This sounds reasonable. I have no idea how publishing works and how you get approved. Wrote this whole thing for personal reasons but now I don't care about it much other than maybe it has the potential to be worth some money. So you mean I should take like a 50 pages piece and send it out? I think the publishable part is probably 150-200 pages at best.

>>15245419
Or even shorter pieces than that. It would be great if you could get the whole thing published at some point. But you could also think of this as a repository of material to draw from. With a slight shift of perspective, there's no telling how many shorter articles you might be sitting on. Or maybe you can glean ideas from it in the future that can turn into separate works. I guess I'm just suggesting that publishing this work doesn't have to be an all or nothing game.

>>15245473
Thanks man, I'll see what I can do.

>>15245148
Same. Would rather be dead than brain dead, but also too scared to an hero. Are you a NEET?

The way I see it, the people who have found enlightenment, are all just observers of this perverse ironic world. They realised we are not here to 'do' things. Things will always play out a certain way, there are other actors to make it happen. Players that do not question themselves or the system. When it all boils down, we have three options to pick. One, we admit the irony we are in. We observe with the knowledge that true peace and happiness can only be found in our minds. It doesn't really matter what goes on around as as long as we're free to imagine. If we want to, we can step in, do whatever we feel like doing to the system. Be that to pick up a certain job or to bail on anything, to book a flight to anywhere and start from scratch. If it doesn't work out, we just do something else.
Two, we resort to drugs and booze and give ourselves to thinking and pondering.
Three, we off ourselves.
And if number one goes wrong, there's comfort in knowing we've seen the truth and can escape it any time we want.

>>15240822
No, it makes sad that i cannot enjoy the present moment and life in general.

>>15246148
Not him. I used to be very good at uni, had good grades and writing and all that, had very long sessions of just reading, writing, going for walks and and thinking something through, and so on. For about 1 year my brain is just empty almost all of the time. Like what the fuck. I can't come up with anything. Can't finish my masters due to this probably. I try, but my brain just says fuck you, I'll won't do anything. 8 took ssri last year for a few months, that might have been the cause, but even before my mind went slower and slower. I'll off myself if psychiatry can't help with this shit. Fuck.

>>15246148
Yes
I've tried to get involved in volunteering and stuff but where I live (UK) anything I get involved in tends to lose its funding after a few months and there's not much I can do to start with

>>15245148
>>15246148
jesus christ thats horrifying
why are you guys brain damaged?

>>15246804
4chan

>>15246546
I enjoy volunteering and working with non-profits, it provides a good work-life balance for people with mental disabilities and seems less stressful and more low pressure as well. Sorry that it turned out that way. Is there a UK version of community college?

>>15246804
Neurological disorder, multiple seizures. I think my meds contribute to greater cognitive dysfunction as well. I'm thankful to have graduated with a Bachelor's from a prestigious university, hoping to attend law school.

>>15246954
Nobody wants a retarded lawyer to defend them,
sorry anon

>>15246804
Hypoxia, I was born with the umbilical cord twisted tight around my neck 3 times and didn't breath for 5-7 minutes, I was bright blue apparently

Destroyed part of my right occipital and parietal lobes, all my higher faculties are intact and I have a Weschler linguistic intelligence of 150, but in other areas e.g. short-term memory I'm in the lower 70s; I have trouble with face blindness and dyslexia and other assorted minor learning difficulties but the worst things are the effect on my memory and my concentration. I have tons of ideas but almost as soon as I try to think hard enough to put then down and craft them into words I either have already forgotten what the thought was, or briefly fall into a trance-like absent state and/or get enormously fatigued (I also have a type of palsy due to the concurrent nerve damage so I'm easily prone to fatigue at the best of times).

I just want to belong somewhere.

>>15224356
Holy fucking shit I need a drink and a smoke, been clean for too long now and it's not really the desire to do so, but the desire to escape. Being here for so long I'm about to shoot someone. God holy fuck this sucks shit, why the fuck did I come back here? Did I need to know? Apparently I did, I must be a fucking idiot to think that I could withstand such oppressive idiocy for so long. The trauma had never left, they can't fucking touch me now that I'm twice their size but holy fuck people just don't change. Day by day, week by week, month by month, it's all a fucking blur. You'd think that someone that shoves their hand into a fire would realize it was the flame that hurt them, not just resort to insulting their peers for no discernible reason. Holy christ its all so bleak now.

>>15247304
Oh yeah and the other thing is every couple of minutes I do something or think something that makes my mind realise there's something wrong with my body and I remember it's because I have brain damage and it's the brain itself that has something wrong with it and I can't do anything about it and I'm stuck with my mind telling me there's something wrong with my body that needs attention, red alert, etc. And then I realise it again a few moments later. And again, and again, and again. Each time is like realising you suddenly have an arm missing. And it just happens over and over. It's always new. I have nightmares most nights.

I want to become a better human but dont know how.

>>15246999
I'd rather find myself dead in a ditch than practice criminal law. Transactional law is where I'm interested. But I see your point, and those trips.

>>15247437
Start with a more specific goal. Pick something that you dislike about yourself and work on that

>>15247520
I guess the biggest flaw is that i dont know myself hence i accept myself and others. There's no straightforward plan in this.

>>15247504
I don't have a point I was just being mean to someone with a brain disorder

Thinking about releasing from the Canadian army after this firearm ban

>>15245148
Anon... there is a quote that comes to mind: “I’d rather die standing than live a life on my knees.”
Reincarnation is real.

>>15247624
If you want to "improve yourself" you don't truly "accept" yourself

For the last few months, people have been nothing more than a game to me.

It started somewhat innocently. I saw a thread someone posted here and decided to try it for a few laughs. I was surprised to find out that it didn't lead to angry men and women telling me to fuck off. Instead, I found that the people there seemed to actually accept me strategically planting ideas into their heads. It was kind of weird, so I decided to continue for a few more months, in the hopes of cementing the ideas in their heads and playing mind games.

Imagine my surprise when I found all of you fags could be manipulated to do just about anything you could imagine. There were even points where I got bored so I moved on to my next victim. And guess what: everyone of the billions of you dirty little roachies are gullible and unsuspecting. Meanwhile, I looked back at my past victims, only to find every single one was self-loathing and women hating. That's when I realized just how much I Ioved what I was doing.

I'm not even sorry guys, I've made my decision: I will continue to use people for my personal advantage and entertainment. I hope you all don't believe I actually care about you

>>15247727
I see, well venting about this stuff does me a pretty open target I guess

>>15247437
Start by getting some idea of what it means for you to be better.
>>15247624
This is all backwards. To truly accept yourself you need to have a pretty good idea of who you are (to know yourself).
>>15248361
Wanting to improve yourself is perfectly compatible with accepting yourself–if you possess a drive for self-improvement, then to accept yourself means to accept that drive as part of you.

>>15248590
D E V I L I S H
LOCK this man up and THROW AWAY THE KEY

>>15228546
Nabil?

Man I'm so worried about the future... This summer might be a bloodbath economically speaking

>>15248349
A) Zero evidence and B) Missed the part where I said I'm scared that dying will be terrifying and agony

ngl i love dense, asymmetrical bobs

>>15230543
searching for a book that will solve your internal struggle and intellectualizing it will not solve your problem, i have tried. It sounds dumb but the answer is legit "vibes". Culture, attitudes, ideas, beliefs etc are runoffs of vibes. It is the sentiment before any thought is crystallized in your head. much more visceral than written words and i cant easily express it. your energy wavelength is expressing turbulence so good vibes only for now on bud.
That being said i did enjoy Suttree and its dense and not explicit but the closest ive got for what your looking for