/lit/ - Literature

>>15230482
Part 2

If i still have your attention i would like to say this isn't going the route you think it is, we are not enemy's now or any shit like that , my problem is the opposite. He filled the niche i served and more. He is more intelligent than i am, hes funnier, he has a back bone: He basically did what i did but better. I felt myself slipping from my friends group and torn between them the nerds and my other friends the stoner skater type kids, who i only became friends with because the teacher sat me next to their king who found the addition of a jester to his court would be most amusing. We will call him "Seth" because that's his given name, I don't know why i describe him this way because he is a totally chill , nice and loyal friend, i just feel this disconnection from the only worlds that ever excepted me. As time went on i slowly drifted from Seth and became more friends with Robert and the nerds with occasional hangouts with Seth and the stoners. Robert and I became what i call a "AnoBully" which is basically a bully who bullies someone with extreme acts of annoying behavior instead of beatings, and for some reason Robert hated Tyler, Seth's second in command so much that we targeted him. He was a smaller kid with a rough home-life, looking back on it i fell this huge sense of regret in taking part in this, it just never seemed like bullying and i was totally against it from a young age because i was bullied by people i thought were my friends and so if i ever saw it happening i would stop it. Regret has always been a big part of my life, ever since i fully comprehended death at approximately 7, its been a huge thing, i signed up for every thing i could in primary school, i would talk to anyone i could ,never do anything bad and generally took every opportunity i could which has become almost a curse because now i regret doing those things and not going outside more and really living. Growing up i think i caused my brothers anxiety by always trying to male him look bad. I hated my brother growing up, i remember my mother said i held too many grudges against everyone which is ironic because i can't remember why i hated him in the first place. When i think about it its probably because he would play fight with me a lot (which i hated) and when he would get too rough i would punch him in the head so he would hit me til i was left a crying mess. I always got better grades than him, i would make all his small mistakes seem small and when he would hit me i would tell the parents on him which in turn meant my father yelled at him constantly. Last year he decided to move out to my mothers house instead of dads (they are divorced so we would go back and forth between houses) and i feel i strained their relationship.

>>15230485
Part 3

I also feel by doing this i strained my mothers relationship with my brother, only talking to her about his problems and always feeling negative emotions of my father means that my mother was always fed up talking about it so they would bicker a lot and now when they speak they have almost no respect for each other. My relationship with every one in my year level at school was ruined before it began when i lied and said i ate pot brownies all the time, telling tales of my high misadventures. When i look back now know they knew they were lies, so when i finally did smoke weed for the first time i confessed to my friends that i had never smoked they laughed at me. On that same night i had apparently started crying over my crush at the time "Talarah", which i am scared of because i am not attracted to women and she was my beard crush that i would tell people so i feel in my state i probably said something about i how i think i may be trans. I had always been not like other guys my age (the exception being Robert and even then hes kind of a controlling asshole at times that is very verbally abusing) and i only learned of the term "Transgender" after masturbating for the first time at 15 to shemale porn ( i know also get it up to male porn). I do have some mild gender dysphoria but part of me has always seen being transgender as a sexual thing so i can't separate the two, so i am having an identity crisis at the moment. Do i not like being male or myself. I have nearly gone through with suicide many times this year grabbing bleach from the cupboard and being too much of a pussy to do it. Everyone that has ever said they are gonna kill themselves to 4chan always wants someone to talk them down, Someone help me please.

Welcome to the real world, son

>>15230493
>I have nearly gone through with suicide many times this year grabbing bleach from the cupboard and being too much of a pussy to do it.
Didn't trump say this cures coronavirus

>>15230503
Did you just assume xis gender?

>someone will read all of this shit
Find something other than yourself to focus on.

>>15230526
usually thats what i do but lately i just can't not think about all of this

>>15230482
>>15230485
>>15230493
way too long; most certainly didn't read. kys

>>/r9k/

good job OP you got 4 retards to reply already

Reminder to sage and report off-topic threads.

>>15230539
Try harder
Like seriously what the fuck do you want from us? You’re talking to some of the most broken, useless, bitter fucks on the planet— who do you think can fix your problem here? The ONLY solution to life is forward momentum, get back to it faggot

>>15230482
You don’t need 4chan, you need a therapist and probably some meds.

Do meth

start a blog and vent there

>>15230482
shut the fuck up zoomer

take the g/acc pill

https://vastabrupt.com/2018/10/31/gender-acceleration/

>>15230636
can you redpill me really quick on it. i googled it and it said that its something that pushes my death drive.

>>15230482
man you're 18. please don't kill yourself. two of my friends killed themselves recently and the reaction of the families was gut wrenching. you're in one of the ten stages of life. this one maybe shit but their 9 left. you have all the time of the world to kys.

read thus spoke Zara I guess

>expecting me to read all this gay bullshit
You're 18. Your problems are insignificant and your feelings transient, like a small child thinking the world is going to end after breaking his favorite toy.
Take some magic mushrooms or lsd to get some perspective

>>15230556
/thread

>>15230493
Anon, if you kys you are a pussy. Nothing else to it. If you didn't say you were 18 I would actually palce you younger than that from the text you wrote and what you focus on.
There is no need to talk you off the ledge since you aren't even on it. All you are doing is perhaps actually growing up and at the pivotal point where you actually gain that character you think you lack.
>also
Just cause of what you wrote in your first post:
read: Osamu Dazai - No Longer Human.
I disliked it greatly but it fits your story and you seem juvenile enough to enjoy that nip shit.
>>15230526
I fell for it.

>>15230482
>I am always trying to fix others problems as a cope for my own

I cut off a friend because of this. I noticed that he had an image of me that doesn't really represent who I really am. The guy wouldn't shut up with his advice, even though I repeatedly told him to fuck off regarding that. (I wasn't being rude like this sentence implies) I actually should've been more rude. My life is better without him. Imagine trying to help someone while the best "help" you can give is simply going away.

Later after some contemplation I realized that's his way of getting closer to people or "communicating on a deeper level." Which is kinda cute and funny because he's the most broken "I half-ass everything" person I know.

Whatever, this post is longer than I thought it would. You triggered me with the first sentence. Congratulations OP.