/lit/ - Literature

>>14978087
Like, I don't HAVE to go to the shop tomorrow, but I want to. Should I?

>>14978087
Staining wood seems like the way to go. Curious how painting wood ever became and acceptable practice. It's blasphemous in a way. Covering the beauty of wood with a chemical mixture. Layering synthetics over a natural aesthetic. Staining does this to a degree but the goal of staining is to capture the natural beauty of wood and bring it to the forefront so that even the dullest among us get the idea - that's a nice piece of wood there. That's what people think when they see stained wood. A painted piece of wood? Nobody notices the wood at all. Might as well be concrete or a piece of plastic. The paint wholly consumes the wood and effectively deletes it's entire presence save for it's structural integrity, which is also quite a nice feature of wood. Have you ever built a log cabin? A real one. I have not. But I have spent time inside recently-built log cabins and the wood cracks and pops over time until it settles in place. It's alive, and it's creating a home for you. The wonders of wood are not something I'm very familiar with, but maybe at some point I will read up on them. Not sure I want to be an expert on wood, but I think becoming more knowledgeable than I am now is a decent long term goal for myself.

bump

>>14978087
Rolling

>Some form of reductive monism makes the most sense in explaining existence entailing a fatalist view of free will and human experience
>The self exists but is extremely fragile and liable to be destroyed or enslaved by malicious actors and ideas

How do I reconcile these. Study a meme monism that makes the mind special for no reason? Study Buddhism? Stop being autistic and caring about the implications of rational philosophy? Join anti-natalist gang?

I can already tell my friends in quarantine are going crazy, and Trump just announced that social distancing measures and the shutdown of bars/restaurants will continue through April 30 at least so it's going to get bad. This whole thing's going to be a fascinating mess of a social experiment.

>tfw completely brain-rotten because of anime
if I live virtuously will I reincarnate in the 2d world? I'm actually pretty successful in life so far but I've completely given up on romance because I know no real women will ever measure up to my waifu. I feel unease and disappointment at the idea of being with a 3d girl.

This is a fucking wild ride. You can't deny that. There has been nothing like this.

>>14978087
This girl I know who has borderline personality disorder proposed to me, I still haven't decided whether to accept. I love her, and she's beautiful, but she's horribly unstable mentally even after I helped her get off drugs and alcohol. I didn't realize that when I put that investment into helping her get her life back on track that she would return that with this kind of affection, and I'm horrified that if I reject her, it will lead to her relapsing, but I don't want to emotionally blackmail myself into marrying her.

>>14980701
You can't put that on yourself. If you want to marry her then do it, but don't say yes out of fear of how she'll react. That's completely out of your control.

I'm an addict in recovery. If she were to relapse over a rejection, she's not actually in recovery. She's one bad feeling from a relapse, whether you provoke it or not.

>>14980736
Some more backstory is a little helpful, but basically I helped her get back on her financial feet and back in good physical health after she basically lost everything as a result of being a victim of child sex trafficking many years ago. We're both like 24 now, but I've been helping her piece her life back together for the last 3 and I let her stay at my place for the last 6 months while she managed to get an actual job (she works in construction, so she's essential during the pandemic), and she saved up for a while to get me this really nice ring, and she told me that she's wanted to do this for years now and that she can't imagine being with anyone else because I'm "the only one who cared enough to help", and it just feel like she's put so much emotion into this that it would crush her if I said no. Like I said, I have a lot of feelings for her too (as evident from how much I've helped her out), but I just don't know if it would be a good idea to take her on like that, and I don't know how stable a relationship with someone with her condition could be.

I can't find the Latin word for when semen emits from penis. Was there no word for it?

>>14980752
So you two haven't been in a relationship, just living together while she gets on her feet?

>>14980752
I would've told you to fuck off as away as you can from the crazies but your story got me thinking otherwise. Just keep in mind that marrying a crazy is the same as marrying her problems.

>>14980765
She wanted to be romantically involved a while back, but I told her I wouldn't consider it until she had enough salary to pay rent, because otherwise I would feel like I was exploiting her. We're very emotionally close, but it feels like her proposal just kind of came out of nowhere.

>>14980766
Why would it make you think otherwise?

>>14980779
Communication is key. Maybe try to sit her down and have an open, honest talk about it.

>>14980835
I realize that of course, I'm just not sure how I could express my worries without coming off as questioning her sincerity (which I'm not, I think she's sincere, but she has big mood swings).

It has been revealed to me that I have been brought into the world in a certain way for a certain purpose with certain gifts but at certain costs. I have learned to accept my fate, but you see, the weight is too heavy and the labor is too hard. How am I to withdraw myself from simple pleasures of life (which have been duly forbidden to me) to carry on the task imposed on me by an authority not greater than nature herself? These simple joys are too alluring, too delightful -- too natural, we might say. How clearly can I see the whole of my life, where it came from, what it is, and how it will go. I can see it all, and yet I have no say in it. I am to carry the load and there is no other way.

>>14980701
She is special in your life and you will always be special in her life. I cannot think of a better marriage.

I'm getting to the point where I am frustrated and bored with almost anything technological whether it's video games or social media, even forums like 4chan. Maybe it's because I miss when there used to be the trading of text files with all sorts of writing on various subjects, but almost anything related to screens no longer has any interest for me.

I feel as if I'm turning into an old person who uses their computer for nothing but banking and e-mail, and writing documents in a word processor (a text editor in my case because vi-like controls are a tough habit to ever break).

I'm not sure if this is a good or a bad thing.

I’m fully convinced that I’m going to be a casualty of the Coronavirus, and I really don’t want to die.

> moscow on lockdown starting from today
> i'm spending this whole quarantine with horseys in crowdless suburb
outsmarted the system

i don't read any of your guys's bullshit so why am i over here writing like someone is gonna read mine? (it's actually within the high likelihood that no one will read what i post, compounded by the fact that none of you will ever know a thing about me that i don't put in this thread, that i find the courage to type my own bullshit so freely.) so continue on, no one read mine.

i almost wrote "i;m tired of fucking jacking off all day" but that wouldve been a whole ass lie written to get a laugh, which, why, how, i just said i hoped no one read this. maybe i do want some (you)s deep down and my crowd pleasing joke first instinct is that desire manifested.

i'm reading infinite jest, can you tell?

i'm afraid someone i know will die of the virus, but you already knew that.

i want to write fiction with the beats' emotion and zest for life, with ben lerner's aptitude for capturing modern thought patterns, george saunders succinct humor, but im too young, my fuckin brain is too small, my adhd is too bad, or d all of the above. which one is it reader

This is for real.

>>14980755
It was the same as 'to piss'. Used in Catullus 67 to describe a father having sex with his son's wife: qui ipse sui gnati minxerit in gremium tr. Who himself "minxerit" (came/pissed) in his own son’s lap

>>14981093
I'm fully convinced I already had it in January and now everyone around me is getting sick and I'm totally fine. Maybe I should start praying the Rosary or something?

I don't mind religion in general and have wished for many years that I could develop some sort of faith or other. Yet, whenever mother mentions Jesus or God, or tries to discuss any aspect of our lives through a Christian lens, I feel a strong urge to thrash her and yell in her face about how stupid and gullible she is.
If I am clicking through channels and happen upon a televangelist I might stop for a few seconds and listen out of sheer curiosity; if I enter a room to find mother listening to one of these same preachers, I cannot help but sneer as I turn around and leave her to her stupidity.

>>14981132
you got it good, mate

>>14981266
with that cold weather today and tomorrow, i have a lot of time to horsepost on lit
sometimes i'd post right from a horse when we're walking after work. rode him for the first time yesterday

>>14981133
checked. I am the crowd, and I am not pleased. You don't sound like Infinite Jest, but you do sound like David Foster Wallace. I am tired of pointing out how Wallace's attempt in life and literature was a failure, yet a necessary one in hindsight. He was anti-ironic, yet still too ironic. He promoted honesty, yet still not honest enough. Infinite Jest is a meme. Infinite Jest has its merits. Wallace was a tormented soul for many reasons. One is certainly his world-view. So think twie, before you adopt it.

>>14981205
I have checked "mingo" but didn't see any dictionary noting the ejaculate meaning, only notes urine or "to make water."

>>14981290
>I am tired of pointing out how Wallace's attempt in life and literature was a failure, yet a necessary one in hindsight. He was anti-ironic, yet still too ironic. He promoted honesty, yet still not honest enough. Infinite Jest is a meme. Infinite Jest has its merits.

I'm not the anon you replied to, but could you please explain why this is the case in a more in-depth fashion? What you said captures my conflicted view of DFW (who still very much fascinates me) but I don't understand him well enough to support the claims you've just made. Thanks, and nice post anon.

How bad is it to repress your sexual side?

>>14981455
in all his interviews he is physically unable to explain himself. when asked about his endnote shtick, he feels pretentious and ashamed for feeling pretentious before giving an answer or being actually pretentious. he doesn't want to come off douchy. fair enough. but he is not happy with himself or his work or the world. I am not talking bad about the dead here. I am trying to understand his discontentment besides his depression. the reasons for hating his work and the world.

he often explains why he hates being famous and going on reading tours. he says his novel IJ is not meant to be read aloud. well, why not? it's not because of the different voices is it? rather, it's because it is something unfinished meant to read in your head and then wait for the devil knows what. It's not a tale, it's not story-telling, it might be art, but ironically it's an unreadable read after page 20.

Wallace often states that his inner-most problem is living in a phony consumerist culture of irony. well, what better fucking way than to produce a novel that reproduces this phenomenon in content, style, form, and as such, right? no. it gets you stuck in an infinite circle.

this might sound like a rambling rant, but essentially I'd say the same thing in other words in a decent thesis. and bottom line is this. the answer to Joyce is Hemingway. the answer to Nabokov is Williams. the answer to Wallace is Houellebecq. Dishonesty and irony are questions. How can we deal with these times? Honestly accepting the harshness of reality is the answer.

>>14978087
Recently I decided to be a little healthier for a combination of reasons. One was that I realized that smoking cigarettes made me feel depressed about myself, that I was so desperate for comfort that I'd destroy my body, and that I'd do something so blatantly weak and irrational.

I started working out, because I want to look good and have a place in my life for strain, if not a sense of grounding.

I also wanted to have a clear head for a shroom trip, but I haven't gotten around to tripping.

I also daydreamed a healthy version of myself and really liked what I saw. Found it cool. So I want to chase that Spectre, as Nietzsche would put it.

So having been doing this for a couple weeks, I already feel unexpected improvement in my mental health. I was already learning to get a grip inwardly, but I'm surprised at how much starts falling into place with such seemingly small changes in external life.

I've also gotten into cooking steaks which is fucking great. That's probably half of what's behind this building glow of mine.

To be honest I think quarantine is good for me, my habits were pretty bad when I was allowed to go out. Being hungover the whole fucking weekend and using that as an excuse not to be productive, but then still drinking through it. Being desperate for escape and stimulation to the point where I wouldn't even enjoy what I did, really wanting nothing but to hunt for pussy but pretending not to be to the point of not even getting any. Such a stupid, aimless life. Glad to be out of it.

I regret getting into a relationship

I went to sleep at 5:30AM. I woke at 10AM. I feel much more energised than in the last days where I got more hours to sleep. I still felt drowsy upon getting up, but I managed to run all the little errands that I just couldn't get myself to this past week.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YEatlg_b0BY

Is this praxis?

>>14981832
No, this is Patrick!

Weary I am now,
Tied upon a mast,
Sailing in the wind
Beaten and thirsty.
Pain I am given
And too embrace,
From pain risen
And in pain defaced.
Weary and torn,
My fate I do scorn:
I fight fury with anger -
Fire with fire!
Everything I know,
I vow to now forget,
And throw myself
Into the depths
Of plain forgetfulness.
I give away:
The good and bad,
The noble and decayed,
The pure and just,
The soiled and corrupt.
Trapped in my mind,
A ghost without a brain,
An empty pit am I,
Never to be filled in time,
Never to awake from lies
And shadows,
And dust.

>>14978087
If this ends up being a second Great Depression, I might as well get prepared. Not sure if I should stay in IT. For one, I have no passion for it and for two, it goes against my ethos of becoming a generalist. My hometown has an electrician program, maybe I'll see if they let me apply past the deadline. Given the circumstances, a comfy electrician job while living with my parents wouldn't be the worst thing ever...

>>14978121
Do it!

>>14979491
Or maybe THERE IS NO GOD AND FREE WILL AS YOU KNOW IT IS A LIE. Where do these 'malicious actors' end? Advertisements? Friendly suggestions? What about biological impulses? When will you realize that we are only biological machines? It is only when you accept this truth that a proposition for free will can be built.

>>14980939
You're hopelessly naive

>>14981884
I have to go to the bank and pay a bill anyway.
But your enthusiasm is suspicious.

Rolling I guess

>>14980701
I say you roll a dice. 1 3 6 marry her, 2 4 5 reject her proposal.
Repeat until you're satisfied with the result.
For instance, if you're willing to let it to chance, you'll know if it's the right decision if you're feeling grateful that you hit 1,3,6 or if you hit 2,4,5.
You don't let it to chance to figure it out but to figure yourself out.

You smart. You VERY smart. We da BEST. You a GENIUS. I APPRECIATE you. You LOYAL. I CHANGED. A LOT. You can too. Win, win, win no matter what. Them doors that was closed, I ripped them doors off and took the hinges off and when I took the hinges off I put the hinges in the fuckboy's hands. Yeah, in the fuckboy's hands. You know I shook the whole door off and the hinges and I put it in the fuckboy’s hands. You can put the hinges on the hands too. Never give up. Never surrender. Put this money in your savings account. Buy your momma a house! Buy your whole family houses!

This next part of the comment is when you’re doing push-ups or you’re doing sit-ups, whatever let’s get it.
Another one!
Another one!
Another one!
Another one!
Another one!
And another!
And another!

>>14981837
based

>>14981280
love u horseanon, your posts always bring a smile to my face and make me want to have a horse

>>14981917
What do you have to be suspicious about? Chill. It's probably going to be busy and somewhat hectic, but you're not going to be in danger or anything. Perhaps you should toughen up now in case things do get worse.

>>14981900
What you call naivety I call wisdom. And you seem to lack it.

>>14982794
>It's probably going to be busy and somewhat hectic, but you're not going to be in danger or anything.
this is a direct contradiction

>>14978087
rolling

>>14982823
You've obviously never dated someone with a personality disorder

>>14982825
If anything slightly busier than usual scares you then perhaps it is you that needs recalibration. Statistically you'll be fine. If it's such a bother, go very early in the morning when the delinquents are less likely to be there.

>>14982896
Excuse me, where do you live? Do you know what's happening right now? Have you spoken to another human being in the last four weeks?

I feel depressed over wasted time of my life.

>>14978087
Rugby 5, briefly

>>14982902
I'm sorry, are there riots where you live? Mass lootings? If so your fear is warranted, but if you're afraid of fighting some Karen's for a roll of toilet paper, then you're just a puss.

>>14983579
holy shit. do you have any idea WHY Karen wants the toilet paper, you absolute lunatic?

https://onezero.medium.com/coronavirus-is-speeding-up-the-amazonification-of-the-planet-21cb20d16372

AAAAAAAAAA

WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO BE BORN JUST AFTER THE PEAK OF THE CIVILISATION I LIVE IN

NOTHING BUT DECADES OF MISERY, OPPRESSION AND DECLINE AHEAD

NOT EVEN SOME CRAZY WWIII SHIT WORTH WITNESSING, JUST THE SLOW DISSOLUTION OF OUR SOCIAL AND CULTURAL STRUCTURES AS THE COMPLETION OF WILL GRINDS ALL MOTIVATION FOR ORGANISED SOCIETY TO A HALT

FUUUUUUUUCK

- Most of my nights (and days) this week have basically been this over and over until I either pass out from drinking or go to sleep naturally at 3-4 AM

>>14980701
My mom has BPD and I developed it too in my late teens. My mom is a textbook case and at my core so am I but my dull myself with meds because I know what I'm truly like underneath and hate/want to avoid that person as much as possible. Don't make the leap of faith my dad did anon. We can't be fixed. Marriage is a big fucking deal and this condition never goes away, even with meds.

>>14980701
You should’ve seen this coming bro wtf are you doing

IN the, morning my mind was beautiful. Coffee and the blue sunrise was a stream that flowed elegantly into daybreak. The carpets were clean, every piece of silver wear was accounted for. I enjoyed food and cigarette guiltlessly. Mid-day was a getaway, out of the house and into the beautifully deserted streets, not a single soul to be seen. But now that it's 2, I see the patrol cars and the street sweepers, and I know that my river has stopped into a ghastly ocean of afternoon. My heart beats chalky grease into the rest of my body and every hit of nicotine, and every sip of coffee has me reeling down into a panicked sleep.

>>14983835
6.5/10, definitely has potential

>>14980701
Family of BPD, she will cheat on you make your life hell lie and you will regret it unless she is on a plethora of meds that I imagine will make her into a completely different person to the one you loved anyway. Not like you're going to listen, but any love you show to her will be taken for granted and taken as a weakness down the line. At the very least remain in the mindset you are now, apprehensive and unsure, it will be the only thing that will keep her interested. BPD women are the meme women you hear about on /pol/, all the stereotypes apply and are increased tenfold. May you rest in peace.

>>14984028
P.S as a test act how you actually feel towards her for a short amount of time with no apprehension and genuine love, do not get married during this period and see how she acts once you show any emotion and guaranteed interest, this is morally fine as you are just showing someone love and affection but after a few months it will show you her true colours, I'm sure you can make up some excuses about the wedding or whatnot.

>>14984053
Way ahead of you, I told her that I didn't want to make such a huge commitment when we've only been platonically cohabitating. So we're in a relationship now, and I told her that after a year, I will decide how I feel about marriage. I told her my concerns about her mood swings and potential lack of ability to commit.She said she understands fully why I'm worried about it and that she is afraid of it too. She also said she had started DB therapy to try to manage her issues, but that they are now just doing things by phone.

>>14984028
I feel sort of awful to her because she's done impulsive things before and absolutely hates that she's done them, to the point of self-harm as a sort of "penance" for them. I believe she genuinely loves me, but to paraphrase her, I'm not even sure she trusts herself, so thankfully she understands that I'm nervous about trusting her.

>>14983787
I mean, I guess I should have realized with her condition that she'd develop intense feelings, but I'm an autist and despite her repeated efforts at flirting in the past, I just assumed she wasn't interested in an extremely conservative guy like me.

>>14980518
Don't give hope to the hopeless, anon. Who's you're fictional girl by the bye?

I’ve always loved fantasy magic systems that are (or at least) implied to have a mathematical underpinning. Real math is cool too but it would be cooler if it could manifest fireballs.

>>14978087
rolling for 6

The rain sounds pull over me in garlands, a lazy drip plays outside my window. The clouds are lumpy and the garden is no longer thirsty, my eyelids keep falling. My bed without sheets is appetizing for my tense lower back, and I am tense in my head too, I am quite upset. But putting it that way it seems much nicer, though at this time I could chew a gas station and a dove.

>>14978087
I'm losing my sanity. I'm not going to make it. I admit it.

I have tons of books and outlines. Whenever I write I kill. I could be better, but I'm apparently alright.

I'm never going to make it though. I have no finished stories in my possession anymore. I can't write due to this crippling madness. Recently I finished a draft, because I realized that everything I write will always initially look like crap to me. I was over the fucking moon that night. I thought I was back, but I'm not. I want it so much it kills me. I'm in so much pain, but I can't walk away from this. I won't let that happen.

Is there anyone out there who knows how this feels? Anyone at all?

>>14978087
There's nothing I desire to do or have ambition to do in life. I'm aware that it's probably due to a number of factors in my environment/flawed thought process, but nevertheless it's the current state that I am in. I struggle to find a reason to get up in the mornings as there's nothing that motivates me to do so. Day after day I spend wasting away in front of a computer screen mindlessly clicking through twitch streamers, youtube videos and video games. Oh and 4chan threads. My feeble realizations of my depressed state do nothing to combat the onslaught of apathy. I've become a sort of masochist in the way that I think because of this. I notice that I feel pathetic and worthless yet convince myself that there's no other route to take. Part of me like's the absence of responsibility and despite my misery my habits are too ingrained. Even as I'm writing this I notice the words I'm using are absent of a sense of agency. I despise this part of me, yet it constitutes most of my developed character. Due to years of isolation with the internet as the only friend I felt able to loosen up around I have corrupted my mind. I still can't shake the fantasy of being dominated sexually by a man despite the years I've been attempting NoFap. Some of my more successful streaks on NoFap even illuminated a part of me I liked. The other shoe always falls though and I haven't yet been able to convince myself that that will change.

>>14984936

No

>>14981133
thanks for writing what's on your mind. don't worry about people not reading it. have a nice day

>>14983656
Because she's an overreactionary idiot. Just like you're showing yourself to be.

>>14984936
You write like a pseud.

>>14985362
HOW ABSOLUTELY DARE YOU

>>14978182
That's kind of the trade-off between convenience and genuinity, isn't it? We all want our cheap, painted Ikea furniture that is convenient to ship across the world without paying for delivery. I read a really interesting article about the so-called 'Ikea Generation' from a website that Moldbug and Nick Land sometimes post on. I'll see if I can find it.

>>14983777
>OH NO BRO WE'VE REACHED PEAK CIVILIZATION BRO THE DISSOLUTION OF SOCIETY BRO

Literally you

Why yes, I do have a Twitter account, and I do use it exclusively for communicating with Chinese cartoon artists in broken moonrunes. Why do you ask?

>>14985078
Hey man I've been there and I still fall into it sometimes. I don't know what to say other than you have to take simple steps, everyday, even when it feels like it's not working, because I guarantee you a lot of days will feel that way. As homosexual as it sounds, you have to find your why.

>>14981218
It can't hurt.

>>14983777
Why do you mourn?

Rejoice! The hour of Globohomo is at an end! We will live once more, we gears and digits of the great Society of Moloch. Let us learn to stretch our selves and be free, we are no longer molded into the shape of the Beast. We have no machinations or designs, we are again in Eden. See how far that tower fell, that Tower of Babel? Surely I sayeth to you, the Lord shall provide!

>writing /comfy/ lowbrow genrefiction trash while snuggled with a pot of tea

>>14983777
Anon, have you not considered that, among all of this, we may indeed live to see something worth witnessing in the forming of a cultural underground precipitated on the basis of weathering the rising of mega corporations?
We may not be able to stop it, but there is still time to prepare yourself for a part in that culture. Hoard everything of value intellectually you can, move out to a rural area of your country and invest in a VPN. Establish a workout routine and grow strong in body and mind.
It's the virtue of a good and evil on a metaphysical level that for evil to exist, so too must there be good. Even if the good is unseen, it is still there. Sometimes it must only be actuated. Do not fear, my friend, for this too shall pass. You only need to be ready to survive it alongside others without succumbing.

How do I assuage feelings of paranoia?

Coronavirus News: New York City Man Arrested for Allegedly Cumming on FBI Agents, Claims He Has COVID-19

>>14986515
Interesting thought. I would counter that the infrastructure necessary to run VPN would likely become rare after the collapse of megacorporations (VPN barely works now, after all). Still, I agree that things are coming to a head. I think the United States is going to become a lot more regional after this is all said and done. Fifty States as opposed to 'states'. Not the world power we are currently, but a lot more antifragile.

>>14986515
I definitely agree with what you're recommending, in any case. I'm trying to learn skills like car maintenance and trying to reduce my debt. The more we break from society perhaps the better off we'll be

>>14987502
The VPNs are just for keeping things viable during the time of megacorporations, but after their collapse I don't think they'd be necessary. Bu that aside, I agree deeply that it is well within the cards for, it not the prelude to balkanization, the divestment of such a high centralization of power away from the federal government and into something more akin to pre-Civil War power of states.
I'd be perfectly fine living in a non world power US if it meant the return of states rights to even a fraction of their former glory. It's a series of interesting times, but I think things will form up for a renaissance in American (specifically New Englander and Southern) culture at the very least.

>>14987521
That's the way it goes friend. At the risk of sounding too new agey, constant fear and OHGODOHFUCK is sometimes a sign of unused energy being diverted through the channel of freaking the fuck out. Intellectually-intensive activities do really well for expending that energy to the point of being almost meditative. Art, be it digital, pen on a piece of paper, etc, is really good.
A great way to get into it is geometric art. IT doesn't require much hand-eye coordination or artistic experience, just an implement, a ruler, and patience.

>>14982593
with replies like this i'll never stop horseposting.

>>14987529
I agree, I think it will be more akin to the Greek City states. We all have a common history, after all, that begins with the signing of the D.o.I.

What you say about megacorporations worries me because you've made me realize how viable it really is. The media, the banks, are all in bed with the powers that be. How easy would it be to declare martial law through, say, a pandemic or other threat (not to comment on the current crisis, but it is interesting how much control over the average citizen is being exercised).

If a coup'de'tat happened today, I would be unprepared. I am in debt and without savings. I would be at mercy to a Soviet-style takeover. What do you recommend for someone in my position? I'm currently in the PNW. There is plenty of land still out West, but leaving the grid would be a several decade venture for me currently.

>>14978087
Shadow of the Conqueror is trash and only getting traction because of fanboys.

>>14987199
Try to look for the best in people.

>>14987561
It's not that kind of paranoia

>>14987580
What kind do you have? If you do any recreational drugs (weed, lsd, alcohol) I would definitely take a break. Those give me terrible paranoia if I'm not careful.

>>14987585
I won't explain now since I'm going to bed but I'll just say it's a /pol/ type of paranoia.

>>14987553
That'd be the best. City States are such a nice balance of democratic/republic influence without having the worry of everything getting too big.
Nick Land, Uncle Ted, and alot of others were right when they postulated the nature of an advanced military-corporate-industrial complex as something akin to a Lovecraftian entity. When running at full steam, such a thing would make Soviet Russia, Nazi Germany, and modern day China look tame. This is because it will, likely, exchange short term and swift, violent brutality for the slow smothering of human rights either through the means of impacting culture or claiming it is for the common good. This will mean anything which is a threat, say, owning a weapon or stockpiling good/medical supplies/etc would either be heavily taxed and overseen to the point where it would be nonviable, or, through the avenues of the media or other means of public influence, shift the Overton Window so much that anything which does not believe in being totally tied to the state apparatus is unthinkably evil to the common political idealist.
This is where the idea of a cultural underground is so prevalent. Because even Nazi Germany or Soviet Russia could not root out entirely the black market, so too would there have to be a marriage of illicit trade with the preservation of culture that would otherwise be stamped out over time. Though that's vague, I myself am but a humble recluse attending this West Asiatic Lamp Aficionado Meeting. Also if they roll out a mandatory or forced vaccine for the current situation, or any plague, whatever happens don't take it.
First, move away from the cost to somewhere in the interior, somewhere like rural Kansas or Idaho. The goal is to not be totally self sufficient, that is a work of years, but rather to kind a community which would rally together in the event of a boot coming down long enough to establish something which isn't being sent to a gulag or slaving away in a factory with a chip in your arm. Whatever your job is, work overtime, enough for you to get some money to bankroll moving to somewhere less likely to be immediately affected. In the same hand, be prepared to get ahold of a basic bitch AR, some magazines, and basic kit like a chest-carrier rig, canteens, etc, with the goal of getting around 500 rounds of ammunition. Trump bucks are coming, so if you have nothing else pressing I would, to my mind, suggest putting it towards getting somewhere else.
Aside from all that, look into something called the Foxfire books, they're a set of volumes which explain how to live like you're in the 19th century. They're incredibly valuable but you can pick everything up for about $200. And, the big one, hoard as much literature, medical and/or engineering textbooks (old ones if you can find them, imagine how valuable they'd be if there was a state monopoly on skilled labor) and philosophical texts to cultivate a personal collection. Will continue in part 2.

>>14987593
Involving race, or conspiracy theories? I'm not quite comfortable with this whole lockdown myself if that's what you're meaning.

>>14987597
A big think will be, as you cultivate your personal collection, to develop physical fitness as well if you haven't already. You don't have to get jacked, just strong and with enough endurance to walk with about 30-60 pounds of stuff with you.
As I said, I'm just a random anon, so take my advice on everything with a grain of salt and don't uproot your life on a total whim or off the ramblings of some guy on the internet.
In order, it's basically: get armed, get booked hoarding, get fit, and then get to a rural community.
Do not despair if things get bad. Every regime, both known and unknown, has fallen over time because the decline of good times is also the same for the bad. Nothing is immune to time. You just have to survive through the bad times.
It's probably not much or cohesive, but good luck anon. Hopefully we won't even have to worry about the Globohomo Elite takeover and this virus is just Hanlon's Razor in action bringing the end to globalism as an attractive idea.

>>14987617
I hope your wrong but I also appreciate the advice. Godspeed

I've been reading bioenergy psychology and its interested to think that vast majority of psychology goes for mind or body and disregards the other. Now the biggest frontier is trying to fix mental illnesses through neurochemical medication but that makes personality obsolete.

I feel like I am the protagonist of A house for mr biswas. I don't think i am going to be excellent at anything. The only thing I'll probably excel is at being mediocre at plenty of things that I start off but never finish. Heraclitus was right. It is sheer weariness to do many things, yet feel like you're only beginning. He was right when he said that human life has no profound meaning, only divine life has.

>>14980892
How was it revealed to you? I need to know.

>>14985362

I felt weary about life this morning. When I went to sleep, it was with images in my head of how things were like in Highschool. I was diagnosed with depression but looking back all the nice days popped out to me. I had a few friends only but that seemed enough. I remember being 16, it was noon after we had all pulled an all-nighter playing card games. I remember sneaking away from campus with my then best friend to go to the nearby bakery. I remember that friend moving continent two years later, but I also remember her visiting in the months to follow. Being a little older and being madly in love with this woman that I still have the fondest feelings for and is still one of my dearest friends, seven years later. How we used to see each other 3+ times a week and now we're lucky if we see each other every couple of months. I miss my old friends. I miss my mum and her cat. I shouldn't be missing a time where I was so depressed and was wanting for so many of the things that I have now. Yet I still feel stuck, I still feel I should have been able to achieve things by now, or at least be content with what I have. I could do it two years ago, one year ago, why not now? - I finished reading To The Lighthouse today. My edition came with additional information on Woolf's background. I'm familiar with it, I wrote an essay on her even, nevertheless I always find it inspiring to read about the life of a writer. She produced so damn much despite her frequent breakdowns. Perhaps it is a dead sibling I'd have needed to become a prolific writer. I feel as if I have all the words in my head, at my fingertips, but when I try to access them, they get swallowed by this brain swallowed in monotonous drag. When I put the book on the self, I let my eyes wander around all the other books I have, and realise my life doesn't look so bad; Here's the art book I bought at a museum in the Netherlands, the snarky travel magazine from Poland, a book given to me by my friend for a birthday, for when I moved cities, by my ex-girlfriend. My life doesn't look so bad; I've experienced a great many things these past few years I could have never imagined doing in Highschool. Why can I not access the happiness that used to come so marvelously easy?

horse anon face reveal...

i like how this board gets away with a blog thread

I can't see any value in having a girlfriend other the endgame of building a family: I can live with my own company until the day I die; and I don't really enjoy sex that much. Now, regarding the creation of life, there is one important question to be asked. Is it better to experience life in all its flaws or to never be born? I feel as if I'm a ghost locked inside a prison of flesh, wandering through life without being able to properly live or die. I'm too scared of one and too doubtful of the other. The momentary feelings of contentment and disappointment end up balancing each other, leaving me unable to grasp an answer.

There's no future to look forward.

>>14986515
I may have to beg your pardon for the analogy I'm about to make, but I feel like we are living in a Lord of the Rings scenario where the war of the ring has been lost, and criticizing the enemy is forbidden. Tolkien was all about hope in the face of imminent despair, and I know this too will be consumed and forgotten by time, but I don't believe the end of this cycle to be near enough so we can see it. We were born in a wasteland of beliefs and will die in one.

>>14988723
to be honest with you sir, I disagree with the way you flaunt this happiness.

what's the point of looking for inspiration or happiness when fear is the ultimate victor?

nothing drives a person to REALLY experience life more than fear of getting hurt or being exposed.
try to find ways on how to confront mortality.

such as skydiving, joining a fight club or becoming a soldier.
highschool is filled with shitty people but it doesn't give you an excuse to bitch and moan because everybody else seems to be having a much better time than you.
everybody is suffering the way you do, but some people learn to deal with it like adults.

I'm 18 right now, and I find your blatant emotional immaturity very threatening to the well being of my generation.
what the fuck is wrong with you?
fucking deal with it cunt.

>>14989997
Why are we still here, just to suffer?

>>14990053
I don't believe we even have that as a design.

>>14990189
>>14990053
If there is no grand order or design to the universe, why does it have to be that the reality that exists one where suffering or sentience is even a thing? Of all the possible worlds that could exist, what are the chances that the one that came to pass was one where we feel terror and pain? Not rhetorical questions. I guess it comes back to the same old "Why something rather than nothing" in the end.

>>14989997
hey bruv. stop putting such importance to manmade concepts and ideas of success. there's beauty, eternal and passing, the unbearable beauty of our world, and your free thought to thrive on it.
if you have nothing to care about, you've got nothing to worry about.

>>14990030
>look at me I'm so mature
Live your own life and let the poor anon cry his heart out. Oh, and don't forget to suck a thousand dicks.

>>14990030
haha what a fag
imagine not rejoycing youthfully in a careless pink-tinted world of illusion

>>14990220
>if you have nothing to care about, you've got nothing to worry about.
I'm going to spend the rest of the day thinking about this. Thanks, horsefag.

i'm compltely demotivated. i enjoy nothing nad everything is a bother and a chore. the only thing i actually enjoy is sleeping. i have no hope for a better future. all my efforts thus far have returned NOTHING, no benefit at all. no matter how hard i try i get punched off the ladder just as soon as i lift a foot off the ground.

fuck this life and fuck this gay fucking society. all stick no carrot. i'm not afraid to die. if i haven't made it by age 35 i'm going to buy a one way plane ticket somewhere nice and fucking jump off a cliff there. not playing this shitty game, it's rigged and the payout isnt worth the effort.

>>14990275
>if i haven't made it by age 35
What is that you want to make?

>>14990242
try daydreaming. many people get sad thinking about things they'll never have or see, but if your mind is strong enough to run a good simulation, you can experience everything you've ever wanted and beyond - while leaving out the negatives these things might bring you irl.
lucid dreaming is also good.

why dwell on misery if you can use that unique brainpower, mightier than any manmade machine, to live the dream and make your life divine? abandon futile yearnings for the material. everything you need and want is already within you, waiting to be thought about.

>>14990295
for starters, not being in poverty would be nice. i suffered through university and worked my ass off to get a fucking degree in a job that was supposedly a good career. been borderline homeless ever since, cant even afford a doctor or a vacation. i have about one attempt left in me before i say fuck it.

i'd like to have something, just something, anything. i have nothing at all. no matter what i want, no matter how petty it is, how small, the universe smacks it out of my hand just as soon as i lay a finger on it. do you know what that's like? i thought it was just bad luck and kept tryign and trying and trying and every fucking time i'm met with disaster. how much can a man suffer before he gets the point? i'm intelligent, you know. i recognize patterns, i can read the writing on the wall. there are haves and have-nots and i'm a have-not and always will be. just as soon as success gets within armspan it's ripped away from me again. i just wanted to be happy. instead i get punched in the face by fate every single day.

>normies losing their minds and claiming to have “cabin fever” after not even being forced to stay inside, just not to have face to face social interactions
>normies realizing they can’t cook at at all because they get all their food delivered
>normies comparing themselves to soldiers in a war while service and health workers are actually being put in harms way
Honestly hilarious desu. Feeling like a real chad by not being affected what so ever by this shit.

>>14990236
Based levels: off the charts

>>14990335
i suffered through six months of something like this before. now normies taste it for 3 weeks and theyre losing their fucking minds. but when i was suffering alone no one wanted to extend mercy to me. i hope they all commit suicide. i'm no more depressed than i normally am.

>>14990335
i know malice is bad, but i cant help laughing heartily at those idiots.
in russia we call a person that cant maintain himself "domestically disabled", and im starting to believe most young westerners are like that.
their social life is all white noise, no peace with self. i cant count on all my fingers how many times people openly admitted they're uneasy and even afraid to be by themselves.

imagine not knowing how to fucking cook or clean your flat. imagine pissing yourself from fear and going hysterical after a day of no direct attention.
so this "manchild" thing was not a joke all along?

>>14990329
>cant even afford a doctor or a vacation
You and everybody else, buddy

>>14990313
>t.
I'd love to live only in the world of ideas.

>>14989595
he cute
what book is that?

Not gonna lie, quarantine is kinda comfy. I've been reading a lot, exercising everyday, listening to a bunch of different records and smoking pot everynight. My classes got suspended and it will be a pain in the ass to get back on track once this whole shit ends, but I'll survive. As for humanity, we already faced worst shit and survived too, so there's no reason to panic. Things need to get worse until it gets better again.

>>14990624
divine comedy, a very comfy soviet edition with fancy decor
>>14990608
i have his book downloaded, hope it's as good as i imagine
dreampill is the last remedy

It's funny how hard it can be to write without trying to sound smart for the sake of my ego, every time I look back at old writing of mine all I see is a helpless idiot trying to prove himself with cleverness.
Even this, even now.

There's something about crowds that make me feel hopeless and something about quiet moments alone that fill me with hope.

>>14978087
I've never relized just how many palm trees there are in my hometown until now. I was smoking a cigarette against my window just now and I think I could count over a hundred palm trees over the roofs of my neighborhood only, although extend all over the east where I can just picture the ocean, the sun rise and the deliniations of even more palm trees in the outskirts where the city ends and the beaches begin. Sadly my neighbor installed an awning on his roof, so I don't have access to that full view anymore.

>>14990366
It's really not a joke. The West has grown soft. The number of 30+ year olds collecting Superhero and Star Wars action figures is really fucking pathetic. These people are the most vapid people you'll ever meet, with literally a childlike awareness of the world.

>>14990329
What did you get your degree in

>>14990701
You've got the DFW disease. The only solution is not to care, and you can achieve it through two ways: accept the smugness of your writing and actively try to sound as smart as you can; or realize that there's no problem in being a smartass once in a while and just carry on. Both solutions involve personal honesty. You sound confused, as if you don't know the reason to why you're writing in the first place. And it's ok even If you are actually doing it in order to be perceived as an intellectual, searching for acceptance and all. Just you just need to continue writing.

>>14990768
i know, friend, i know. i'm not one of those larpers obsessed with masculinity and power, but even to a normal (not average) person that level of childishness is unsetting. maybe america is right with its "21+" law, it seems like muricans do take longer to mature and never fully get there these days.
vapid is a good word to describe them, i cant think of another way of combining everything i feel upon witnessing the eternal anglo. first world is a joke.

>>14978121
No, you fucking idiot. We all want to be out and about right now, you're not the only one.

>>14985420
https://globalnomadism.com/2016/09/13/the-ikea-generation/
Different anon, was it this one?

>>14990847
I'm not in the states.

I can't believe I'm actually writing this, but I can't stop refreshing this board. My work is piling up and I need to do it to pay the rent and food, but this whole crisis is giving me such horrid levels of anxiety. I can't even do my hobbies because I feel the need to get work done, but I just cant seem to force myself to do it. I'm normally the one to give advice to people who are saying this. I think a big issue is I can't differentiate where I work and where I shitpost. My apartment is small and there's really no place to go get work done that isn't on the same laptop I'm using to shitpost on. I'm literally bartlebe right now. I'm supposed to be doing legal research and clerking duties but I'd prefer not to. Someone please help, how do I make myself accountable, how do I focus, how do I get anything done? My apartment is a mess and I can't focus on anything.

>>14990936
Clean your apartment. Work in the kitchen if you have room

>>14990936
you are the living proof that people who are giving advice to others don't usually know what they're talking about

>>14990936
Clean your penis, Zizek slob. There truly is a yin and yang going on between Zizek and Peterson, both retards but the followers of one only have large abstract and establishment approved ideas about society and the others turn into introspection to solve their individual problems without addressing the collective.

Here you are unable to find the willpower to do your job in a messy apartment. You should lift, clean up and then work, if this doesn't help you should solve whatever barrier you have mentally that is stopping you from working.

>>14990974
Good idea. I'll go do the dishes.
>>14990999
Generally speaking I have slumps and have used many different approaches and tactics to getting over emotional or physical barriers I've put up or experienced. This feels different. I'm not sure quite how to explain it. But my attempts at giving advice to others has come from a place of good faith and what has worked for me in the past.

>>14990999
>if a chef fucks up a dish, he doesn't actually know how to cook

>>14981481
Yes. Denial and repression can go long ways of developing depression etc. It's okay to cum

read with gusto https://gustoreads.blogspot.com/

>>14991028
>>14991006
>>14990999
>>14990974
I got a set of requests for production written up. Hooray!

I like this meme

>>14978087
I made the mistake of getting a job right before this quarantine shit started I should have just stayed a neet working from home is fucking terrible

>>14981424
I would think that 'to make water' can be taken to mean 'to ejaculate' in certain contexts, but you're right. It was a translation that we were given in a Latin class, so I can check up on why it was translated like that. Whittaker's words say meio.

>>14990774
Why did he kill himself?

>>14991887
>normie reason
He had recently stopped taking the do-not-kill-yourself pills and couldn't bare the drawbacks.

>/lit/ reason
He couldn't bare the irony. Infinite Jest was a witty attempt on destroying post-modernity and canonizing himself. He achieved one of it. As a new century began, society got even more cynic and ironic. The joke of video calls and filters, for example, became reality. Imagine him, a guy afraid of people immersing themselves in entertainment and forgetting about real life, living after the popularization of the internet. He was old and found it to be better to die than to partake in the irony of life itself - oh, and he was an over-conscious narcissistic prick.

>>14987601
>Involving race, or conspiracy theories?
Yes. I've posted about this once before but /pol/shit has made me so paranoid to the point that at times I start believing many great people in western history, especially those who I worship or admire, were either full on crypto-jews or significantly Jewish in ancestry. In truth I can't say I outright hate Jews and believe the "Jews control the world and are trying to genocide whites" is a bunch of bullshit but the fear that there's so many people I admire who might be secret Jews occupies my mind way way way more than it should. I'll spend hours, sometimes whole days, scouring through someone's biography, personal life, and family tree and look up all kinds of stuff on google until I find any kind of vague, even barely tangible, link to Jews or Judaism which only makes me more paranoid. Deep down I know it's mostly just me being a schizo but at the same time I can't get my mind off it even though it so often makes me angry or depressed. Especially now that the whole world is in lock down it eats up way too much of my time when I have the chance to get so much reading done and maybe even do some writing.

>live in city
>apprently during lockdown everyone decided that, every evening at 8, everyone would start cheering and shouting
>can hear all the voices echoing across the night
>reminded of how many people physically live around me
>feel less lonely

>>14993166
That's when the hospital shifts change. They are cheering medical workers.

>>14993166
>cheering

>>14981280
holy fucking based i love you too horseanon

I want the world to end so I don't have to work.

The fool seeks to comprehend this flawed world, the sage rejects it entirely and creates his own world.

I need to rant. Sorry. I've been preparing to write a book for like 3 months now. Characters, world, themes, plot; everything's gone through so many rewrites because every time I feel like I'm getting close to a real vision of what I want to write, I realize that I'm lacking in so many aspects. I fear that my protagonist can't carry the story, that side characters are shallow, that there's a dissonance between the themes I want to get across and the type of story I want to write. A part of me knows that I should stop doubting myself and just do it, that things will be at least a little clearer when I start, but I want this to be good so bad. I want to write something FUN. Everywhere I see stories with fun characters, interesting plot and thematic coherence and it makes me belive that I'll never reach that level and that I won't be able to make what I really want.

>>14993283
you welcome bruv
>>14993406
i approve this. going full delusion mode is the wisest thing one can do

>>14978087
I will make a tulpa gf

>>14978087
I recognize that fucking dawn charm. Love that card.

>>14978087
Should I bother getting an MFA in creative writing? If so, which uni or country should I go to?

>>14993821
Tulpas are just you. She’d be more of a twin sister. But no genitalia to commit incest with, so don’t go there

>>14994088
Do you feel the need for 3 years of secluded study and production in exchange for debt? If so, then sure. the thing I regret the most about my undergrad and JD is that I never took advantage of the professors of other majors or other resources for my interests.

>>14994098
> mfw no cool infection
not fair.

>>14994238
*coof*

>>14994280
what's with this green shit?

>>14994425
Aids

>>14991968
Imagine if he saw how bad things were in 2020, he would kill himself again. The very fact "unironically" has to be used before so many statements and opinions would go right to his point.

>>14994425
>>14994516
S̵̛̘̥̟̮̝̖̝̖̠̳̬̥̘̙̐̈͌̌̇͌͐̍̈U̵̡̧̧͉̩̜̼̻̮̙̙̫̰͝Ç̸͎͔̯͕͇̮̦̮̗͚͙̎̈͜Ĉ̵͚̻̙̖̙̯͖̙̣̈́̄̏͐̊̈́͑͗̈̍͝͝͝U̸̞̦̞̻̦̱͚̽̋́̄̓M̵̱̜̱̘̫͖̞̭̤͙̣͓̻̑̇̎̒͆͜B̷̺͇̳͚̳̆̈̋̊̓̆̎̆̽̌͐͗̃͊͠

>>14994605
>how bad things were in 2020
Is it all about consumption?

Shit thread jackass

haha guys look im green

>>14978087
Coofing is on my mind, for grandfather Nurgle blesses me.

>>14978087
>mtg art
and its not even the good era MTG art, cringe

>>14991666
me too

I am trying to understand my role in the revolution as a poet of tenderness and solitude, as a spouse of justice and an alien among most people. I love sweet things like the dreamy blue of evenings and the tapestry of bird songs gently woven through the trees. Even in its finest notes I can intuit the sublime, I feel its weightless hand caress my earlobes as I sip some green tea. But with these sensitivities I know that there are struggles to confront, institutions to dismantle and harmonies to rebuild. I’m often in a tug-of-war between these dumb romantic musings and my radical tedencies for liberation. I cannot fight all the time nor can I watch the stars forever, there should be a compromise but I am yet to find it out. Of course the greatest blessing is the transience of it all, whether my footprint in this world is powerful or delicate, in the end I will return to that which made all things, if I am lucky I will drink from chalices within the garden.

How come most posts in these threads are all about depression and how people have nearly given up on themselves? I only read these posts because I like to read anything, but it really is a pain in the ass to read through depressing post after depressing post.

Don't tell me that there is nothing you can do to make yourself happier. I know there are things you each individually do that put you in a good mood, I don't know anyone who doesn't have at least one fulfilling hobby. So why don't you do it? It sounds like some of you just do it to yourself on purpose, like you have gotten so used to feeling shitty that you've developed some sick comfort with it. I used to be depressed and angry all the time and there's no way in hell I'm ever going back to that place, never.

I hate thinking about the kind of person I was a few years ago, I hate remembering the sadness, the loneliness, the thoughts that would haunt me in those days. It was like there was some entity in my mind that was telling me all the ways I could hurt myself. A monster that I brought to life and lived in my head 24/7. I'm glad, and maybe lucky, that I got outta that place and made myself better, even if I'm still not good. You gotta fight your own monsters bros. You have to

>>14996449
My main hobbies are musical concerts (classical and popular), dining out, and going to my local indie cinema. This ain't a great time for my hobbies.

dilate have sex seethe cope cringe yikes rent free

I’m trying to get rid of a lot of books I won’t have time to read anytime soon. I’ve picked up a lot of lit crit books throughout my years of trawling used bookstores near the universities within driving distance of my home, and I’ve amassed a good collection (mostly American Literature, with some of my favourite Euro authors thrown in). I want to keep the ones I know I will read within the next few years, but I can’t bring myself to throw out or donate the ones that I know I won’t read. Just having them and having the possibility of reading them is enough to make me feel guilty. I think I’ll have to do this blindfolded and somehow block out the memory of ever having them in my possession. Any advice?

tfw you realize most of your stories are just you trying to recreate and relive moments with your dead lover

I'm pretty troubled right now. My girlfriend says she loves me and wants to marry me. I believe her. Recently, she had an intense orgasm with me, so I commented and said wow that was nice. Then she started describing how she has had even more intense orgasms than that, and I told her I didn't want to know about her orgasms with other people. But that was it, the seed was planted. I couldn't get it out of my mind I had to know why.

It turns out that on a physical level, our sex is ok (I make her cum every time with my hands, but with my dick maybe 5% of the time), not great because I cum quickly., I think I have a tight pelvic floor and I just cum quickly because it's tense, but I've always struggled with it. However on an emotional level it's amazing. She loves it emotionally, but there are 2 other people she has had really intense orgasms with. She says it's just because they last longer that she came. I last maybe 5 minutes they lasted about 25 to 30. She claims that beside the guy she lost her virginity to, I'm the best sex she has had, even more than one of the guys who gave her a really intense orgasm.

It seems emotionally that there was one guy who she discovered herself with and she claims he's the best sex she ever had, but nothing because of him. He was hot and had a big ego (big headed), but she says it's because everything was novel.

As far as dick size, I'm the biggest she has had, so I feel like there is potential in me to give her the best sex she had ever had, I just wish I lasted longer.

What is bothering me is that I question her motives to marry me. I essentially feel like the stereotypical nice guy who ended up with a girl who fucked other guys and is settling now that she's a little older. I don't care if she is slutty, I just care that I'm not giving her the full potential of what our sex could be. If one of the guys had a bigger dick, I would feel like it was a dealbreaker, but I'm positive they don't.

I know this is pretty much my problem entirely, but I feel like I'm living out this nice guy situation where she is settling with me sexually just because she likes me emotionally. I have serious self esteem and confidence issues (I don't understand how or why anyone would like me longer than a certain time period) so it makes me question her attachment to me. Does she just want to marry me to marry someone? She comes from a family that puts pressure on marriage at 19sh. Arranged marriages even.

>>14997397
Another issue is that I suffer a little from ED, if I take it slow, relax my muscles, then not dick might go flaccid, not because I'm not turned on but because of this mix between performance anxiety and my dick being a little funky (it's slightly damaged).

>>14997340
They're just things dude. Don't do it at random, figure out which ones you actually want and keep those. Are you really gonna read that much literary criticism? Be honest with yourself

>>14996449
I would bet that most of the people posting all this sadsack shit aren't half as miserable as they make themselves out to be, at least not all the time. There is absolutely a kind of comfort in misery, but there is also a release in venting anonymously. I know that when I post miserable bullshit in these threads, I basically do it to get the feeling off my chest and then I move on with my life, at least momentarily.

>>14996812
Lol you bougie bitch, eating out isn't a hobby

>>14997397
>>14997474
She's had sex with 2 other guys, that's not even close to "slutty." Stop being such a big fucking baby. Do kegels, get out of your own head, stop thinking about other guys' dicks while you're fucking your girlfriend. You said it yourself, you have an amazing emotional connection and the sex is good. That is much more than many people can say.

>>14998178
She's been with 5. But the sex with the other 2 was bad so I feel unbothered by it.

I think kegels created my problem. I'm trying to remedy it, you're right though I'm being a baby. I just have a lot of anxiety over dealing with the inadequacy and it makes me question whether the emotional connection is a ruse for her to land a nice guy.

>>14998178
And that was all in the span of 1.5 years. If we weren't together she'd still be sleeping around I think. It doesn't bother me much that she's slutty. I don't think she'll cheat on me, I'm a little worried but my anxiety is mostly my inadequacy.

Thanks for your response man.

>>14998236
Would you maintain a ruse for years just to be with a "nice" girl who you don't actually want to be with? That's too much work for anybody. Anyway, if you're seriously entertaining these paranoid (and from what you've said so far, totally baseless) doubts, then you aren't really that nice.

>>14998243
>If we weren't together she'd still be sleeping around I think
Well hey, she must like you then. Chill out, seriously. You're making problems for yourself.

I'm on the tail end of what I think was a pretty bad case of corona. For a couple of days full blown pneumonia seemed likely. I hid it from my family through the bad part because they can't do anything anyways, I'm quarantined. Why worry them. But then my mom came with food and when I collected it I was really stressed out because I worried that neighbors would come by and get infected (mom kept her distance). And the situation felt kind of serious. So I felt like I needed to text her and tell her what's what. I told her that it had been pretty bad but I was gradually getting better.

My mom has problems with her lungs. I believe she's to be considered a relatively high risk person. Now she's got a cold. She called me just to ask how it started. She is scared shitless that if she gets it like I did, it might do her in given her lungs. She now has first hand from me that not only can it get bad, it can get at your lungs. So now she's terrified, and all of it because I had to tell her that it had been tough on me.

I realized today where the norm for men to be strong and silent comes from. If I had shut the fuck up it would have helped her. You do it to avoid spreading panic. Do better than I did.

Got a pay cut at my job, still working though, which is lucky. Starting to hate my job more and more since what made it bearable before (comradery with coworkers) is gone. All that's left is work that I hate. Does anyone like what they do for work? What do you do? The only thing I enjoy about work is the people.

My boyfriend is clingy and desperate and wants me to quarantine with him, which I've rejected multiple times thus far. It's obvious that he likes me a lot more than I like him, which makes me think I should end things before it gets too serious. But I don't know if that's a valid reason to end a relationship that is for the most part fine, or if I'm self sabotaging because I don't think I deserve it.

>>14998650
Stop being gay, anon.

>>14998253
I think everyone puts up a front when starting a relationship to some extent, but I do want to be with her. I have trust issues regarding women I think that are poisoning my perspective. I don't know what's real about us now, a little. "Sex is like a fundamental pair bonding mechanism, so did she feel more paired with other guys?" These are the thoughts I keep having. I know plenty of good sex couples split, but the good sex is like a foundation of a stable lasting relationship. I don't claim to be a nice guy, I just want to be someone who is grounded in reality and not being deceived. I don't want to marry someone who might become tired of me in 5 years because I'm inadequate.

Since, I've been reading stories of people who went through the same and it seems I'm not alone on being bothered. So I don't feel too atypical, juat unfortunate.
>>14998261
She thinks I'm too good for her, and I think I'm not man enough for her. It's equal in that regard I suppose.

>>14998587
Congrats on killing your mom

>>14978087
yo, what did idubbz do?

>>14998677
5 years from now is 5 years from now. You can't plan for how either of you will feel at that time, and if she ends up leaving you I doubt it will be because you "only" gave her the 2nd best orgasm she's had or whatever. In all likelihood your insecurity is way more damaging than anything else. You say you want to be grounded in reality, but these fears you have aren't reality, they're just speculation. Good sex is an important part of a healthy relationship, yes. But so is trust. When she says she loves you and wants to marry you, believe her if you want to be with her. If you can't believe her, then what are you doing staying with her?

>>14994088
No, unless you can do it without going into debt. You're better off committing to a self-study over the course of 2 years or so.

>>14990852
Sorry but no dice. I ended up finding it: https://jacobitemag.com/2017/09/13/the-ikea-humans-the-social-base-of-contemporary-liberalism/

I recommend the site as it's got some pretty solid political commentary.

2020 Miserable, wild, distracted 2020
The dregs of the mob alone survive to witness

>>14998673
I'm a grill you faggot

I've been disappointed in my writing for a long time. Mid-2018, the journal I had started keeping from January 1st, turned from rambling about my days into actual poems, lyrics, short stories. I tried to write a little piece about the things I felt or had done every day. It was great, I produced so much material, much of what I still like to this day. But at some point I stopped. I went back to track what had actually happened. It's so much more boring to read; it feels as if it's all the same, me trying to figure out my emotions or describing what I've done. Things and thoughts still so vivid to me they're hardly worth reading about.
I've been down these past few days to the point I was bored and exhausted out of my mind today. So I picked up my favourite poetry collection and read randomly. Those are poems I read when I was young and kept coming back to throughout the years. It finally helped me write something real again. The beginning of a real story. How hard can it be to write a shitty novella?

>>14999497
The more people that die from this, the better off I'll be. Hopefully it wipes out 10% of the population at least. Then jobs will be plentiful and salaries will rise. I have nothing to gain if its cured.

>>14998650
He probably just feels lonely being all day by himself. Why not quarantine with him?

>>14998716
Ya, I guess. I just notice when we have good sex she's all physically clingy and when we don't she's distant. It's difficult understanding that her clinginess isn't for me, it's just hormones and sex glow and anyone could have them I guess, and other people probably did, but my personal difficulties make it worse. I wish I felt special to her, I just feel good enough. In a way I'm really anxious because I feel inadequate and like I'm being tricked into a marriage because I'm handsome and am a good catch for appearances perhaps (I know your reaction is I'm so fucking psycho for thinking this and that it's all on me and my responsibility to challenge it which is true because I'm damaged, but with my own twisted self-knowledge and self-perspective it makes sense).

>>14998178
>Are you really gonna read that much literary criticism?
I was really into 19th Century American stuff for a few years and having a critical library helped to pull together the timeframe, only I went a little overboard and bought up a lot of manuscripts and dissertations on niche subjects and aspects. So, once I had plundered the tiny detail I wanted from that book, the rest didn’t really appeal to me. About a year ago, I realized I knew more about what critics thought about Melville or Hawthorne or Twain without actually having read any of their lesser-known works, so I decided I should read the author’s work before I read an essay on it.

>>14998684
His wife is a camwhore now or something and he said he was cool with it.
I don’t really know who “idubzz” is but a guy I work with was saying something like that

>>14981133
you can't write with viewership in mind. you must write simply for the art of it.

>>14981481
Bad. Sex is what you were biologically made to do.

>>14978087
Aye is a fun word

>>14999936
Is there anything more brainlet than appeal to biology?

>>14999614
You probably are "special" to her you absolute dipshit. Jesus man, get a grip

I find it difficult to let go of things I enjoyed in the past, even if I not longer enjoy them. There’s always a nagging doubt that if I quit now I will be missing out on reliving those past fun times. I probably waste much time because of this.

>>14978087
I'm working on obtaining the strength I need to make the changes I want to see in my life. I want to stop playing video games and I want to read more. Unfortunately I'm addicted to screens and this is harder than it seems.

>>15000501
Similar feels to this anon. I've been playing the same game for 7 years now and its not nearly as fun as it was. But I've spent so much time and money that it feels like a waste to drop it and do something else with my life.

>>14998650
I like the people I work with but in general I despise the work. I don't dread it or hate it persay, its just annoying. It has kind of made me realize that I dislike working in general, and I dont think there is anything anyone would pay me to do that I would genuinely enjoy. The worst part about it all is I know I need to do it for the next 40 years or so. The people I work with are my only saving grace and make the day go by at all.

I know this doesnt really answer anything you said but it just got me thinking

>>15000473
I know man, but I'm just so torn inside by knowing I'm not up to par physically. I don't care if she cheats on me, but I care if she's left more satisfied and that's what eats me up inside, I can't leave her satisfied like I want to. If she were to talk to her girlfriends about sex she probably wouldn't brag about me and might even talk about an ex. That drives me insane.

I have accepted my virginity. I no longer even want to have sex unless it is with a woman I love and plan on spending the rest of my life with. I am not even a christposter, those are just my honest feelings I’ve come to after considering what I value in relationships.

>>15000594
>stop playing video games
you can do it anon. get off of the hamster wheel

>>15000788
That's nice anon. Just don't slip when given the chance.

I had a really nice phone call with an old friend this evening that helped me not feel as lonely being cooped up.
Thank you fren

>>15000788
Then you will die a virgin because all those potential wives of yours are out there and taking like five cocks every weekend minimum from strangers and they hate inexperienced or unpopular men with the force of a thousand burning stars, they won't just reject you but they want you tortured and killed.

Nobody resents weakness more than a woman, they want to get raped and dominated, completely owned by a man. They don't want 'love' or 'feelings' from your side, they want a beast, an untamed animal. They want to get slapped around, forced headfirst into an unflushed toilet and fucked hard, taken. They want to be spat on and humiliated, tied and skullfucked. Defiled, subjugated, used. They want to be a cumrag, an urinal, a piece of meat. That is what they were born for.

That love in your heart is best saved for either the higher such as God, the dark mother or if you have to love man then other men that are your kindred spirits. Women neither want, care nor deserve any of it.

>>15000848
Not to argue against any of your points, but I think you need to do some work on your anima, anon.

Ever since early childhood, for as long as I can remember, I have intensely missed aspects of... well, when I was young. Like a really young kid. Toddler. From 6 onwards, I have felt intensifying emotions on wanting to return to a time that I don’t even remember.
I get fixated on items of early childhood, like a racecar bed, for example. On my parents love, their natures, certain phrases and actions. Praise being an example.

I was looking through an old photo album today, and those feelings hit me like a damn truck. The joy, the warmth and love, the memories, the care I was given. It all came flowing back to me.

Why? I don’t know. I thought of many possible ideas. Abuse? Neglect? Depression? I don’t know. I have no idea why. It’s been such an integral set of emotions in my life. Even now. I feel like I have something wrong. But even when I went to therapists, no ground was really gained.

What weirds me out most was how young I felt these feelings. Why should a six year old be so fixated on a crib they once were in? It doesn’t make sense. It isn’t normal right? So what the hell is it? It’s affected my relationships, my work.

Does anyone know this feeling? What is going on? Was I hurt as a child and am gravitating towards a better place? Is there anyway this can be fixed?

It’s a set of questions I don’t know if I will ever get answered. Perhaps I am overthinking a normal feeling. I don’t know.

I just can’t let it go. I feel like there is something deeply wrong underneath the surface, a chasm waiting to rupture. God only knows.

want horrible impossible perverted things

used to want noble high minded things but have forgotten about them

>>15001184
He did this at the start of the book to filter you and other "serious thinkers" (IE. humourless redditors) from the actual meat of it

>>14980701
damn dude. I'm really sorry

>>15001047
nothing, his a meme we allow muslims to spam to filter plebs

>>15001217
yes, after the communists did away with their enemies there was no more slavedriving

>>15000938
I have my anima bound and gagged, that whore. Carl 'programming socks' Jung was all wrong about that stuff, you need to strangle that bitch so she doesn't get the better of you.

I love you all, but not you I mean others. People that might be on this board, and are certainly on another. I want to tell you in my drunken state what I feel, because that's the only time I feel much of anything. It's why I drunkenly text people. It's why I do stupid things that aren't logical. I love you all.
I wished I had participated earlier. I wish I had been a good writefag like you wished me to be. I wish a lot of things.
I wish I would have a seizure a seizure from this alcohol and bite my tongue off. Then I wouldn't blog post in these threads and maybe I would shut up for once.
I would break my fingers into non-euclidean geometry for you. The horrors I'm willing to impart myself for strangers happiness is unknown to all.
I'm drunk and all I can think about is how to destroy myself while making others happy. I know I'm a loss cause, but you all aren't. Did you know smiles aren't a one to one ratio? I know that. To make me smile all you need is an intent. There is no driving force behind it. In fact it is better if there is no force at all. I'm contrarian like that. The managers at my job wish for me to smile and I actively don't when they're around, but with others it comes naturally. I think it's either because I want to fuck them or because I enjoy their company. Those two things aren't mutually exclusive. In fact they often overlap. There are three people who I always smile while talking to. They are all in a relationship already. They seem happy and I curse them for it. I can't be happy unless I'm drunk and wallowing in self pity. I'm most comfortable then. I know what I'm getting into because I've been there many times before. When I'm happy I'm in unfamiliar territory. I'm behind enemy lines. Ready to get killed and ousted as an outsider any second.
They're happy and fulfilled people. I know they will accept me. I won't accept me though. So much of my identity has been grounded in depression and lack of emotions that there is no way I can mingle with them. I see teams as something to drag you down. They see them as a sum greater that it's parts. I still have a ways to go before becoming them. So much that I'll never reach it by myself. I'd rather rely on myself telling me how things are. I'm not schizophrenic. I'm just crazy.
Let me believe the lie since the truth is far worse. I wasn't made broken through the years. I was created broken. The mold was broken when they realized what I was. They didn't break it in hopes of finding me still in there. It's in my family it's in my blood. Thirty one years is one too many. It crawls around behind my eyes and if you look closely enough you'll see it.
I want more than this self deprecation, but it's all I have. When I realize what could have been there is no other choice.

Chanced upon Rodger Scruton's writing on wine and fancy to say I love it. I'm hesitant to wonder if this guy was bribed by the wine industry to promote it, a modern day Marlboro Man, a Malbec Man, if you will, singing the praises of that sacred dark offspring of the vine. Say what you will about cruton but a philosopher's power is in the capacity to address what has not been attended. Schopenhauer planted the seeds of personal psychology by his intrepid investigation of the sex instinct, a topic which had been taboo in philosophy hitherto.

Only being able to get down 100 words a day more or less is really kicking me in the balls.

Im a not a great man or a good man, not even an average one. Im a barely functioning one.

I've been raised in a house with a parent who yells and makes you feel like shit over just about everything. It taught me to turn off emotions when I was in middleschool, almost hung myself around then too.
I'm not sure what to do about a shitty past situation because while I'm not looking for revenge or closure or anything else really, I just sort of sit perplexed about it and wonder what I should be doing. I have a lack of emotion about many things just built into me and I'm not sure how to get it back. Or even if I really want to. Emotions make people do some stupid shit. But yet again if I want to write, don't I need to know the internal workings?
Do you guys have reccommends for learning what a standard set of emotions is, the normative, for me? A book, any media?

>>14981093
It's not that hard to die and you only have to do it once. When the time comes, you will do it naturally and with grace. Don't fret about it. Enjoy your time until then.

was reflecting on images (L110) of my childhood

We move from the primordial oneness (pre-birth). In the earliest moments we retain everything is revealed (nothing really changes, as above so below). Through interpretation (provided to us by movement through existence) we can use the keys that were always in our possession. The earlier the more singular and opaque. And holding more truth due to less baggage of cognition. Layered cognition and limitation are what bring us to the next becoming.
Video games and monsters showed me the face of infinity. I couldn’t tell you what it was. Sophisticated art illuminated this process so now I can go back through the forgotten temple and reclaim the magic artifact. Always this process looping on itself. Propulsively into the future. Culminating in the indeterminate horizon unknowable to the now.
The vital man (Indiana Jones, Nathan Drake, Death (though he’s somewhat different)) who fascinated me. (On Death) Fantasy heroes fighting a shadow war on higher, archetypal planes of existence. They’re conversant with other potent entities who’ve risen through the spheres. There they fight the war of signs with ultimate stakes.
It’s literally all in memory. You just have to look.
"The past is never dead. It's not even past."
- Faulkner
Ancient Aliens is the other half. First the reclamation of ancient power. Then it’s collision with science (The Crystal Skull says this esoterically). Nietszchean. Reactionary + futurist.
Nomadology. Consistency of inconsistency. Those completely unaccepting of negativity and mediocrity. Fire Deleuze! (passionately)
The spiral.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=S_vVN7ONPnc
concentric rings overlapping uniquely revealing different insights occurring only once
childlike then brooding (though one was always present in the other, how different are they really?)

Monsters culminated in the superbeast:
3 jawed whale/squid space being
Has forest sacs on side that give it air
Short bicep long forearm
Opens jaw and there is an organ in back of throat that photosynthesizes
Eats planets
Peak creature of galaxy
Eastern dragon bodytype
Excrement comes out in a mist

Give me the THORZINE man I need the THORAZINE
You don't need the THORAZINE man relax,
RELAX

>>14999720
ok, cool thanks

>>14978087
When I read Chesterton it is like a cold wash of holy water over my dirtied, corrupted mind. I see a freshness, a redemption, that incinerates and purifies my unworthy soul. That is art. And I see in him a friend of all man. My true understander and the enemy of all pretenders.

How do i get happy, optimistic outlook towards life?

>>14978087
im gay and my dick is small

>>15002157
Get a shit ton of money
Move to a comfy house
Relax and work on hobbies all day

>>15002822
sounds too complicated

>>15002157
accept that you can only change yourself and nothing else; realize that all things, either good or bad, are made to end so there's no point on getting attached to anything in this life; realize that nothing really matters on the grand scheme of things so there's no point about suffering over every bullshit lifes trows at you; live on the present and don't worry about the future; set reasonable goals for yourself and try to the enjoy life as much as you can without falling into the trap of hedonism, instead find beauty on the small things in life.

>>15004925
>try to the enjoy life as much as you can without falling into the trap of hedonism
where's the line between them? i tend to fall into useless hedonism.

>>15005109
idk, but i what i know is that hedonism is just a way to escape reality and forget about your problems, it,'s not healthy. you gotta learn to not chase pleasure as if its the only valuable thing in life. focus, use your time wisely, set a goal for yourself and enjoy the ride until you get there.

tfw you’ll never live a cool fantasy world with magic
tfw you’ll never have a comfy life studying magic runes and cultivating a deep understanding of the magical world
tfw you’ll never be able to wear wizards robes in a non-larping manner

why must I suffer

jokes on you book-boy i don't got nothing on my mind

Bump

>>15000637
Christ dude. "Not the best" doesn't mean bad, fuck's sake. You are likely up to par. For your own sake, get out of your head. Don't worry about satisfying her "like you want to," if she says the sex is good then take her word on it. You're just speculating here and driving yourself nuts.

>>15000848
Very few women are having that much sex, real life isn't a porno

>>15005829
You can't live in a fantasy world, but you can definitely do the other two

>>15002606
JUST USE YOUR ASSSSSsssss

>>15001598
And now you only have 80 left for today!

>>15006566
How? Occult shit isn’t real it’s not the same

>>14978087
I'm stuck in this feeling that everything we do is a cope for the inevitability of death and the meaningless drudgery and misery attached to life. It's awful. You're born without your consent and you leave without your consent and in between you're waiting. You wait for things to begin, or you're waiting for them to end, it just seems really bad. Life seems bad.

I guess this might go better on /adv/ but I'm really starting to lose my shit. I've been sober for four months and I guess I was hoping it would be this panacea, but to be honest it hasn't really been worth it. Don't get me wrong, I don't miss all the awful stuff attached to the drinking. I don't miss waking up shaking, and hallucinating, and peeing blood and stuff but I guess I was just hoping. I guess. I don't know? I guess I was hoping when I drank that things would be better if I was sober, because then I could think things could get better. They're not.

I have brain damage. I don't know from what, I don't think it's very obvious over text, but you'd know it if you met me in person. It's really frustrating. You're either treated like this thing to be pitied or disgusted with. It's dehumanizing from both angles, desu. In some ways I prefer the disgust, it feels more honest. When I'm pitied it just makes you feel like a prop. "Look at me, world! I'm a good person! I took pity on the retard". It's awful. I also live with chronic pain, it feels like a sunburn on your insides, as well as tinnitus. The tinnitus is my fault more than anything else so I don't have much room to complain.

I just don't have any drive or energy to do anything anymore. At this point I'm just trying to get comfortable while I wait to die. I have this fantasy where I rent a nice hotel, watch the sun set on a recliner in front of a floor to ceiling window and fade out with an IV drip full of fentanyl and a stomach full of benzos. And, obviously, whiskey, because you gotta be literary in your contrived suicide fantasies.

Idk. There's just something comforting about it, like a big warm glowing exit sign. You don't really choose how you're born or anything, but you can choose how you die. That's a feeling of control I don't really get in my life.

It's hard seeing my parents too. There's no way they wanted this. I can tell they regret having me, they'd never say it, but I can tell they feel it. They have to spend the rest of their lives basically being a caretaker for someone who can barely count or remember what happened a day ago.

I wonder how long it will take me to forget my parents after they die. I don't really remember anything about my life. I remember my dad molesting me, and screaming at me, and stuff like that, but I mean it's literally just a big void.

More than anything I just want this to be over. I'm not getting anything by being here. My life will never have any real narrative to it. Stasis or decay.

Shit sucks. I wish I was dead.

>>15006529
I know I just feel a sexual distance between us now. Like she doesn't crave me the way I crave her. It feels like she likes all the non sexual parts of me and accepts the sexual part as compromise. Idk man, this is like the worst thing to deal with as a man. I'd much rather be confident and good at sex and lonely than inadequate.

>>14978087
I have been feeling rather sad after I said harsh things to a friend, before I was just angry, now I feel regret and have become rather needy trying to stay relevant and convey the image of a good person. We are both fucked up people.

>>15001211
Things have been going well since we decided on our "trial period", she's moved her clothes and stuff in with mine and we've been sleeping in the same bed. It's really comfy actually, just don't know if it will stay that way.

>>14985078
I feel this way too. I've read dozens of self help books and watched hundreds of motivational videos, and continue to do so even when I know they won't work. I've tried the remedies, but I don't give myself fully to them because this emptiness is comforting in a way.

>>15007790
Hey bud, things are tough these days. No matter what you do know that an anon empathizes with you. I drank all the booze when the corona started so I’ve been booze free for like 18 days. The anxiety is terrible, but I’m not hungover for a whole day, pissing myself, drunk text and calling people at 4am, throwing up, getting into trouble, etc. it’s hard to come to terms with reality, but defining and existence and finding productive ways to escape can be a nice goal. When I read, or guitar, or work, or game, it’s a nice escape from the world. Like that Schopenhauer shit, man. Life is pain, beauty alleviates it a little.

>>14978121
You there is a small but non-negligible chance you already have COVID and are contagious even without showing symptoms. And even if not there is still a risk of catching it literally any time you’re in contact with other people, and then subsequently infecting others.
>Like, I don't HAVE to put people’s lives at risk tomorrow, but I want to. Should I?
No you absolute fucking imbecile. Dumb fucking stupid idiot retard

>>15006566
>Very few women are having that much sex, real life isn't a porno
Yeah, it's a bit of vuglar hyperbole, but they do whore around a lot. The point here is to kill any notion of women as pure, or good, or even dignified in any way, shape or form. They're bitches in constant heat, even worse than men. So this whole way of thinking, I'm going to find a decent woman to settle down with, is completely counterproductive if you ever want to get laid or have a relationship with them. What's worse is that they truly despise that kind of thinking about them, the kind of man who thinks of them in relation with any kind of ideal at all is doomed.

So it's better to exaggerate a bit to get the point across, it doesn't matter if she's a total pig for cock or if she only indulges occasionally, they're the same beneath it all.

>>14978087
Can’t sleep.
Mourning an event, can’t cry (eyes too dry).
Left insecure, with a weighty feeling in my chest.
At this point suicide doesn’t even seem like it would fix anything.
I want to feel a sense of belonging, for once.
I want my effort to matter.

>>15009110
this was days ago, dick-head

You're so beyond lucky the tranny fucktard doesn't know Madchen. She would laugh her ass off at that loser and wouldn't even hude her disgust. I'm a fucking saint for putting up with that "thing." Go clean your teratoma.

>>15009154
Saying this like men aren't lust engines of depravation. Post feet.

>>15009581
Men have lust but their idealisation of women by itself shows that there is much more to them, if men were just as women or more driven by base needs then they wouldn't stick their head in this lovely dovely fantasy of women in the first place. Thinking them mysterious or whatever, putting them on a pedestal or thinking them graceful, everything like that, it's a part of the man not being lustful but stupid and infantile.

There's nothing wrong with ideals and such, but elevating women beyond 'the thing I want to fuck' is just plain dumb. So while it may seem like I argue that women are all whores and that this is bad, the actual argument is that they are all whores, so grow up and deal with it. They were only something else in your imagination.

I cannot use introspection. Most of the time i ask others for an advice or explanation which is ultimately rejected despite sounding good on theoretical level.

>>15009833
Don't ask for unwanted advice, anon. I hate when people do that.

>>14978087
Here's the thing about big words. Synonyms tend to only nominally synonymous, as each word tends to convey a slightly different thought or concept. "Anger" doesn't have the same meaning within an individual's mind as "wrath," but one shouldn't replace all occurrences of "anger' in their writing with "wrath" because "wrath" is a more complex concept, rather, one should have respect for the fact that "synonymous" rarely means true equivalence. Each word has a different value, perhaps in its sound when read or the additional implications a certain synonym for a word carries. This doesn't include the contextual elements a writer needs to be concerned with, as the other words chosen can influence the "ideal" synonym for a word dependent on the tempo and overarching motif of the piece.
If one is to use these larger words, one should do so with care. Writing a piece in basic terminology, pulling out a thesaurus, and replacing each basic word with a bigger word doesn't make you a good writer. It makes you an amateurish writer, plainly evident to anyone who appreciates the English language as they can easily identify the lack of care invested into word selection, and lack of passion for the overarching structure of a sentence or paragraph. A good writer has a large vocabulary, not for the sake of replacing their smaller words with them, but instead for the times when a small word won't convey the meaning they need.
The people who brag about their vocabulary, without realizing that a larger vocabulary only has value if used properly, are poor writers at best. Their meaningless and flowery prose can be identified instinctively, for there is no rhythm in their writing. This is especially worsened when these writers go as far as to replace any "statements" in their writing with synecdoches, further reinforcing the fact they are incompetent. They have become so focused on the rules given to them by their elementary teacher, such as "show, don't tell," that they cannot experiment or truly utilize language to its fullest extent.
These individuals have become so wrapped up in the fundamental blocks of language that they have failed to realize writing involves mastery over the sentence as well.
This isn't to diminish the value of a large vocabulary, rather, it is to remind the pseudointellectuals here that vocabulary is irrelevant if you cant put two words together. A sentence is holistic.

>>14980752
>victim of child sex trafficking
how did that happen?

My whole life has been a failure. I've brought disgrace to idols, to my dreams and to myself. Even death is no exit. A useless gesture. I'm in hell.

>>15010885
Her mother was poor and a drug addict, and after having her, she married a pedophile and sex-trafficker. She kept it secret for almost a decade (she was being trafficked and molested from ages 9 to 18)

I would never read a book written by a woman. Am I a normal person ?

tfw terrible acne scars
tfw still get pimples in your 20’s

>>15012189
same here. i still get pimples despite being 27.5. im starting to think it's psychological problem like some repressed anger.

>>14978121
Do it. Lick everything too just to stick it to the pearl-clutching normalfags that responded to you.

>>14980892
>>14988203
You took some psychedelics didn't you bro

>>14978087
I was thinking about this quote from Miyamoto Musashi: "Do not seek pleasure for its own sake."
Was he referring to the hedonic treadmill? I wonder. What do you guys think of this quote?

>>15012421
I haven't read much of Musashi's work, but I could see the quote being on the generalized nature of how pleasure or rest is best taken in the period of reprieve in cyclical toil and improvement. That it's pretty much best and at it's least detrimental when taken as rest or half of a lifestyle, but not a whole existence.

I had a dream about I don’t know what but I woke up with the phrase “small things just happen, big things are enabled” immediately in my head. What did I mean by this?

>>15012444
That makes sense, thanks. Nice trips btw

>>15012452
I'd guess it's an abstraction of 'As Above, So Below/As Below, So Above'. Small things just happen but, when enough small things accumulate and are directed by human activity or inactivity they become a big thing .

>>15012458
Oh shit. No problem.

>>15012421
Pleasure, or happiness, is an aspect of living that exists in context with suffering. The times that we suffer are the times that we are most conscious of being alive because we are struggling to live. If we only felt pleasure we would have no awareness of living. So pleasure is something that should come through the ordinary acts of living and not something that we should attempt to drown ourselves in.

Atheists have not lived through the eyes of others. Some people just don't make good scientists.

>>15012483
>pleasure is something that should come through the ordinary acts of living and not something that we should attempt to drown ourselves in.

Nice phrasing. I think it's called eudaimonism or something like that,it's the opposite of hedonism.

>>15012513
I got the idea from a visual novel (lol). I do think it's a helpful way of viewing life, though.

>>15012459
Sounds about right. I also found it interesting that reversing the phrase is equally true though in a different way.

If we really think about it, Madoka is the antithesis of Griffith.

Meritocracy is a myth.

>>15013510
Lol, I hope you didn't figure that out after you went to school. It's all about the connections and networking.

Maximalist interior design is far comfier than minimalist
Only redditors disagree

>>15013898
I like my tiny apartment feeling like an eccentric little cave. It's comfy and the walls are covered with stuff.

>>14981894
A worldview that reduces humanity to biological machines enslaved to millions of years of preprogrammed impulses is not conducive to free will