/lit/ - Literature

>>14710403
I'm bipolar and the mood swings can be especially hard because I'm miserable as it is, but a few months from now I'll be fucking great and there's nobody that can change that. Life's a bitch, but what else is new, you know? I'm about reread LOTR and finally read Silmarillion for the first time, even though it's been lying on my shelf for 3 years now, so it's bitching alright. What about you, man? Is life treating you well, and more importantly, are you treating yourself well?

mmmmmm-mmmmmmeh

About to graduate with an english degree. The writing center and the press for my uni are in states that aren't home, so I'm crossing my fingers that I can find something major related at home.
Or freelance maybe.

>>14710472
Good luck with that, mate, hope you find something that ends up working out for ya.

>>14710403
Almost to a 24 BMI, reading Dostoevsky, and have a new girlfriend who's too good for me. Things are looking up anon.

I’m very well, thank you for asking.

>>14710517
Jesus fuck you’re fat.

I keep having sleep paralysis where I end up taking off my boxers and getting blown by a ghost

>>14710403
I’m not holding anything up though. Why do you ask such a silly question? If anything, it’d be more proper to ask one how are they holding things down, for down is the spiritually inversion of the desire which is signified through the cultural lens of viewing and being, without which knowing would forever ever escape our knowledge.

>>14710403
i’m writing every day but i don’t know why outside of “because i like to”

>>14710553
Nah I’m 6’2” nearly fit again. Long road tho

>>14710571
Do you need any other reason to do it, though? What's wrong with doing it simply because you like it?

>>14710403
I watched the mating ritual of two ducks while having a smoke between lectures. I love ducks, what cute little waterfowl, puffing up their head feathers like an afro with long eyelashes. I do wish I was a bird, or a dinosaur, I would be very happy to be a hoppity little Western Jackdaw.

>>14710562
based retard

>>14710603
>I watched the mating ritual of two ducks while having a smoke between lectures.
Okay, this sounds lovely.

>>14710591
capitalism

>>14710648
Get better at writing and bank on it, problem solved.

Everything is fine but I don't feel fine. I have a decent paying job making sure gauges don't grow as a Calibrations Technician after nearly being sucked into the trucking meme, turns out I'm far too much of a homebody for that. I've currently discovered that I really just wanna read and get on with my life and make something of myself and get a degree, IT feels the way to go.

The harshest thing I've come to terms with was that I was a doomer all along, I thought I was a bloomer but I was just riding a high when I got a higher paying job and everything was looking up. I don't want to ride highs anymore, I want to feel comfortable and not have to think about money every day and leave all my bills on autopay.

>>14710671
guess i’ll go back to writing porn again

>>14710730
>trucking meme

What do you mean by this?

Not holding up at all but this quarter isn't as bad as last one. Might have to do an allnighter to finish a writing report.

gf dumped me yesterday
started walden

college put me in communal living with women despite me specifically requesting that they don't and now I have to try not to get fuking indicted

Is adderall the best stimulant? My attention span is very poor and it has severely impacted my productivity.

>>14710821
go into trucking! It's free!
>owe 7000$ if you don't last one year after they teach you
Be your own boss!
>you don't get to choose shit when you start out with big name companies
See America!
>from the seat of a big rig and industrial parks and truck stops
Guaranteed home time!
>The second you get into your home state the clock is fucking ticking and you're out the next fucking night.

That wasn't for me at all. I like being home too much for that, felt unsafe and sleeping in a truck was like staying at someone else's home for too long. learning was fun, the job was not.

>>14710617
It really was, brought the first genuine smile to my face in a while. It was a Great Crested Grebe, they puffed out their head feathers like picrel and flicked their heads from side to side in an entertaining little dance, afterwards resting for a moment - facing each other, making a heart shaped gap between them. Have you seen any cute animals that brightened your week recently anon?

>>14710403
Turn left to go right
Jump off to go back

Not so good. But really i don't even know what feeling good even means anymore.

>>14711140

>>14710889
Indicted for what lol

>>14710403
I have come to the realization that i will never get over being an ugly manlet so i'am just going to surround myself with books, video games and movies to immerse myself in and try and forget that the world outside of my room exist unless absolutely necessary.

>>14710403
>that image
in_search_of_list_time.jpg

I think I'm starting to develop an unhealthy relationship with alcoholic substances.

>>14711311
Felony charge of Failure to Have Sex

>>14711374
doesn't work

>>14710865
ah shit was it a good relationship? Are you sad? Relieved?
>>14711015
It's more powerful than coffee but be careful, addies are addictive as fuck and when you take one too many you start doing really unhealthy shit like literally scratching your skin off. But if your attention span is like, autistic levels of bad maybe try it but I'd look into mentally fixing the problem before you medicate it. If you don't have addictive tendencies maybe it's alright.
>>14711140
write a letter to someone you haven't talked to in a while, call someone random, do some psychadelics or something man. Depression sucks and it makes your life pass by a lot faster.

Apathetic. After spending the last half of 2019 trying to get in contact with my emotions and finding there's pretty much only sadness in there, I came to the conclusion it's not a worthwhile exercise. I'd have a higher chance of getting excited for this or that, and to be legitimately happy about something, but at the cost of being mostly sad for most of the days. So I'm back at being apathetic-depressed. It sucks, but it sucks less than being sad-depressed.

>>14711140
My man.

>>14710403
Having a major existential crisis because I don't like video games any more but can't help but shake the feeling that I should because they're the "medium of our time" or something.

>All I want to do is have a nice 1-3 hour reading session
>Have stuff to do so can't
>But still end up browsing 4chan all day and don't actually do the stuff I was supposed to
This is hell.

>>14710560
Doesn't sound so bad. Mine goes away if I sleep on my side and I stick to a regular sleep schedule. If I skip sleep and then take a nap on my back in the afternoon, it's almost guaranteed sleep paralysis.

>>14710403
fuck you, you dont care.

>>14710403
horrible earache that is ruining my day moment to moment

more generally, nervous about starting law school in the fall and being essentially a bum until then

I met a girl my very first day in college and had several amazing dates with her by the end of the second week before she told me she has "commitment issues" and would prefer to be poly/open. Honestly fucked me up, but she wants to be friends with benefits now and I'm not sure I can handle that.

Good news is that my professor asked me if I wanted to start a literature club and I'm cautiously optimistic about it because I have no friends.

>>14710403
Having a conniption remembering all the old sites I visited as a teen and the memories flooding back.
Man I was horny.

>>14711425
suicide is always an option

>>14710403
Is having suicidal thoughts everyday a normal thing?

>>14711522
>Good news is that my professor asked me if I wanted to start a literature club and I'm cautiously optimistic about it because I have no friends.
Do it faggot.
I was given the option in HS and I regret not going through with it immensely.

>>14710560
find a gril to blow your dick
see if that helps

>>14711522
Do the club, disregard the whore.

>>14710403
I can’t interact with other humans without coming off as an autist.

>>14711578
doesn't work

>>14711464
Went though this exactly a year ago last Feb, sold all the consoles, PC and games etc. Haven't gamed since.
Was it worth it? Maybe. It's nice having all that free time back, but I lost a major cope and have delved even deeper into depression.

>>14711668
do you know something we don't

>>14711668

>>14711522
Do the club. Keep fucking her until you find someone better. It's useful to have something while you look for someone else. A spare tyre so to speak.

>>14711522
Acquire club members, disregard bitches

>>14710403
I'm not

>>14711673
I know "existential crisis" sounds really melodramatic, but it feels like a huge part of my generational identity is at stake if I don't play at least some kind of video game.

>>14712042
just go play fortnite then

I dream of killing myself a lot, almost every night lately, but in the dreams I don't actually "die" afterwards, I just feel a whole lot better and continue whatever I was doing.

>>14710517
>Alnmost to a 24 BMI
Good for you anon

Not too good, not terrible

I feel like I am stuck at a crossroads of life and that life is either settling with a girl I am dating and by settling I feel like I understand the term solely now. Settling would mean coming in terms with all her ups as well as downs, things that irritate me, things I find repulsive, put a blind eye on that, enjoy little things, the fun etc and ultimately change myself in my core, have kids and all that. And I can do that, I am financially well off, my job is p good but every-time I think about it I feel like I will be coming off short.

I am tempted to come to conclusion that I will never truly relate to anyone in other than professional level (ie. personal lvl). I ended two long term relationships already in my life due to same reasons even tho they manifested differently. I am aware that its my ego in play too.
Feels like I ultimately want to be alone. I enjoy my melancholia, I always loved time I spent by myself and am asking myself If I even "want" settled life.

>>14712156
I understand this.
Do you ever feel like staying with someone, not even specifically her but she is emblematic of the problem, that staying with someone would force you into a sort of posture of mediocrity? I just feel like my mind is compressed when I am with someone into the narrowest channels, like they are forcing me to be a really, really, boring person.

>>14712148
dude you are FUCKED

>>14712273
exactly

Scary thing is that I feel like both options will end up consuming my soul. Settling and morphing myself into a normie/mediocre shell of myself with kids, senpai gatherings, shopping mall sundays etc.... or staying alone, delving into my psyche, focusing on career and loosing friends (which is happening already since naturally they are more or less in a process of settlement too), melancholia, hedonism and who knows what.

Also I stated I am perfectly aware that this is my narcissistic parts manifesting

>>14710571
post some of it maybe

>>14712292
I can't tell if you're being serious or not

I'm anxious and neurotic as always. I'm clinging on to the idea that I might be able to pull through. Otherwise I would've necked myself long ago.
I'm not sure why I'm strong enough to barely keep myself afloat in this way for so long, but not nearly strong enough to get me somewhere I want to be. Truly the weakest will is the one that doesn't even dare to extinguish itself when its purpose hasn't been fulfilled.
I feel myself being thouroughly immoral in my day-to-day life, as I go about following through on what my anxiety tells me to. I'm torn apart by the fact that I know I should be doing something and moving somewhere yet I remain blind and unwilling to do any of it. I've willingly chained myself, but I hate being bound. I don't know what could possibly pull me out.
My anxiety doesn't have to be what keeps me from doing something, it could also be what fuels me on occasion. However usually when that takes place I'll feel myself becoming more and more perfectionist about what I do. I scrutinize even how my soles hit the ground when I walk.
There's not a single part of my body and mind that I couldn't find a fault in if I wanted to. So I keep myself blind and unwilling because once I open the pandora's box of insecurities and flaws there's no fucking going back. I feel as if I'd succumb to the pressure and choke myself out, but luckily I've begun considering if that's really much worse than the pain of /not/ scrutinizing myself. I'd almost rather feel myself going somewhere, even if just in the smallest way than remain where I am. I hope this anomaly of thought can serve as a catalyst big enough to get me out and moving somewhere.

>>14710403
I take joy in aspects of life that most people take for granted. Eating ramen on Fridays with either a soda or beer on the side, appreciating the writings of Pynchon, taking daily walks everyday, and studying for IT certs. Although there are moments I wish I were born in simpler times, the late 19th century is my personal sweet spot.

>>14712362
based and ascetic

>>14712402
>ascetic

Not at all. It's just in my nature to appreciate simple aspects in life.

>>14710403
I have completely unironic romantic feelings towards my older sister. I just love her so much, I’m applying for a school next week and just hoping to forget all of it when I’m there

>>14712529
what body type

>>14710403
I'm tired of these stupid fucking memes. "You will never x and y because you are an adult now and things won't ever be the same", no fucking shit, stop acting an asshole and act like an adult, sorry you put way too much investment in a fucking cartoon and card game. You aren't special because you're unhappy. Yeah, life was great when you had no real obligations or responsibilities, but you're a little bitch for letting that shit weigh you down, and it's embarrassing. Self-proclaimed "90s kids" are fucking retarded.

>>14712546
*watches you seethe while dipping madeline cake in tea*

>>14712543
Admittedly I do like her physically but it’s not just that it’s emotionally as well. We’re very close.

>>14712332
I feel you man, in every word. This might not give you solace, but you're not alone.

>>14712572
That was an electrifying scene/passage. Gonna go read it again, thanks.

>>14712362
>late 19th century is my personal sweet spot.
Patrician as fuck.

>>14712590
ok but also, what body type is she?
just so I can relate better to your dilemma lol

>>14712546
>not letting people wallow in their quarter life crisis
Can't tell if based or not.

>>14712546
>sorry you put way too much investment in a fucking cartoon and card game
hey now, there's nothing wrong with pokemon

>>14712620
Very long straight brown hair, hazel almost yellow eyes, very pale skin. Generally petite, I don’t want to go more into detail

>>14712734
thanks for the visual.
would coom

>>14712362
Yes, the modern era needs some theology and geometry, some taste and decency. I suspect that we are teetering on the edge of the abyss

>>14712362
This but dash in some anxiety that I'm not working as hard as I should be to feel as happy 20 years later.

I have a concussion, and they said to avoid anything that is cognitively demanding, but as it turns out just about all of my hobbies are cognitively demanding. I literally don't know how to veg out

Not fantastically. I'm realizing I'm the type of person that can only do one thing continually to do it exceptionally well. The moment I have multiple tasks to accomplish I get bogged down and I hardly do anything. If I had the privilege to only do what is of my choosing, I would only do one thing at a time, and I would do it exceedingly well. Necessity dictates otherwise and so I am unhappy.

>>14710403
with a book in hand, it keeps me mentally stable.

>>14710403
I can no longer remember a time I felt happy.

>>14713027
Watch television retard

>>14710403
Deleted all my vidya, started eating better, started exercising, trying to read every single day. Still just as miserable as I was with my degenerate lifestyle but at least I'm doing something better with my time now.

>>14710403
I just PMOd today and fucked up my 90day nofap streak, which turned me into a suicidal freak for a couple of hours. Other than that, relatively ok

>>14712591
It's a minor and solemn comfort, but a comfort nonetheless. Bless you, anon. We'll make it some day

> how are you holding up, /lit/?
Pretty good since I discovered text adventures.

>>14713211
eat earthworm

Man I'm killing it

>>14710403
I don't know. I want things to get better, but I also want them to get worse so I can gather the courage to kill myself.

>>14713239
I just grabbed that from Google, but when I get to Zork Zero I'll eat that worm just for you, anon.

>>14713270
thanks doc

>>14711100
In fact, I did. It was my friend's new dog that made my day by licking me uncontrollably because he sensed that I was feeling down in the gutter and wanted to help me. Dogs are great.

>>14710403
Since the new year I've; read 2 books, got a job in a field in a major city, stopped drinking coffee & moved and I'm not any happier. 2019 I was a NEET yet I was so much happier when I was unemployed and reading all the time. C'est la vie.

>>14713027
Physical activity. Pleb netflix. Watch sportsball.

>>14710403
I'm not doing too hot man
Broke my nofap streak and I feel like I'm useless. I know there's a lot of debate over whether nofap is a meme or just the latest fad, but I feel more confident when I abstain from porn and masturbation, like an entirely different person. And now that I fapped, I'm not as good a person as I was before.
Someone tell me it's all in my head please

>>14713589
>Someone tell me it's all in my head please
It is, since you are also quite stupid to put so much emphasis on jacking off. Like listen, nofap is a meme and broscience at best, beat your meat or don-t, it bares little effect on how your day to day life will be and you should worry about more important stuff instead. I jack off once per week and like it.

okay, I'm trying to get over my self-loathing with meditation

>>14713589
Cultivate understanding that abstinence from porn and masturbation is truly a positive thing, and don't lie to yourself that you've understood your previous condition.Relapse is a sign of uncertainty.It's a long road to create a positive habit but it's even more worthwhile understanding it than following it blindly. You are not alone in your previous experiences brother.

>>14713589

>It is not the things themselves, but the opinions of things that worry people. For example, fapping is not something terrible, but the opinion of fapping that it is something terrible, that is the terrible thing. Now if we encounter obstacles, or are worried, or troubled, we never want to accuse other people, but ourselves, that is, our opinions. - Epictetus

An autoimmune disorder killed all my motivation, energy, and productivity 5 years ago, and I only found out about it 1 year ago.
I'm not sure if I can recover. Now I'm just a NEET with a music performance degree. Oh well, not like there are any jobs anyway.

>>14713037
I feel this. I get anxious without anything to read. Not the worst way to cope, though.
>>14713141
>started eating better, started exercising
As long as your diet and routine are solid I guarantee you results. My only regret is that I didn't start working out years ago. Get /fitlit/ and never look back, anon.

>>14711464
Don't to something that you don't like learn to play guitar just find other interest

>>14713589
I'm under the opinion that ejaculation cause inflammation in the body

I've been trying to get in the door for therapy for my borderline personality disorder since November, I finally managed to get an appointment for actual therapy (and not just today's 'getting to know you' session), and it's not until the second week of March.

>Almost 29 years old
>neet for the majority of my adult life
>virgin
>don't have any interests or hobbies
>don't have anything I enjoy doing
>haven't done a single thing I can feel proud of
>haven't accomplished anything
>never followed a single thing to completion
>use the internet and books solely as time wasters
>squandered any potential I had
>want to kill myself daily
>consciously choose the worst path for myself no matter how many chances I'm given
I honestly think I was a mistake. At every point in my life I've proven that I am unfit for living. In any world imaginable, I am unable to picture myself being content with existing. My greatest wish is to be unborn.

At times I appreciate my view on life, most of the time I really don't.

>>14713827
I turned my life around when I was 32, it's not too late anon.

Anons, I posted already in this thread but it doesn't matter which one I am. How do I get started writing poetry? Every day I don't write I feel terrible, but whenever I sit down to write I feel like everything I have inside me is trite the moment it threatens to actually become words on a page. I look at a stanza and instantly feel ashamed of my own work even though I'm the only one who ever sees it. I'm going crazy here.

>>14711374
Lifting weights will help, at least a little. I used to hate myself, and now I’m a narcissist and hate everyone around me

>>14713827
There is nothing to accomplish in this world of ashes. Ponder this: how do you know you want to kill yourself?

I finally realized I can just take reality as it is, all of it, as a gift. Feels like a low level acid trip.

>>14714221
>There is nothing to accomplish in this world of ashes.
>stated with the aid of a computational machine instructed to carry out sequences of arithmetic operations within a global system of interconnected networks, the result of centuries of inventors arduously accomplishing the unthinkable

>>14714269
>stated with the aid of a computational machine instructed to carry out sequences of arithmetic operations within a global system of interconnected networks, the result of centuries of inventors arduously accomplishing the unthinkable
>he thinks this actually matters
Lmao. In the long run it won't have mattered if we climbed down from the trees or ventured outside our caves.

>>14713827
If it makes you feel any better this was all fated.

>>14714134
emotions are not enough. everyone has emotions. pay more attention to the words. this is not prose, every syllable counts, every syllable has a sound, semantic, and emotional connotation, and any one of those syllables being wrong stands out like a splash of blood on a landscape. write more, read more, dedicate serious energies to poetry, or you will fail as almost everybody does.

once you realise the power of 'and' in verse, then you have learnt something

(personally, i would recommend reading hart crane, daily, until you can fathom him enough to critique him intelligently)

>>14713827
Likewise. I'm trying to get well though. Apparently a ton of regular intensive aerobic exercise will unfuck the brain and even regrow neurons in the all-important pre frontal cortex(takes a month for the full process though), so that + Vit D, Omega 3 and Iodine supps will hopefully cure me.
I dunno, it's not like there's any point to trying and it's too late to become a successful normalfag, just trying to become a more productive and healthy NEET because as much as one part of me wants to kms the other part of me wants to live to 90 and laugh as this clown world of ours collapses entirely, or perhaps see it somehow revitalize and become magnificent

>>14711464
>grew up doing Zelda run-throughs with my younger brother in the 90s and 2000s
>eventually both went to college and moved out of parents house
>video games suck now for some reason
>spend most of my time reading or sitting around depressed
>brother got married and has a stable job and life
>his wife got him a Switch with Zelda breath of the wild for Christmas
>invites me over sometimes to play on weekends and drink beers
>it's boring and I can tell he finds it boring too
>our last connection is a former shared hobby that we are squeezing every last drop of nostalgia from
>considering moving away to another state because it makes me so sad

>>14713827
Literally me, but 7 years younger.

>>14714377
>>it's boring and I can tell he finds it boring too
>>our last connection is a former shared hobby that we are squeezing every last drop of nostalgia from
Fuck. I can relate.

like >>14714353 this

one day at a time fren

I can only gain enjoyment through procrastination but procrastination leads to a dread that prevents me from being capable of performing basic tasks

>>14710403
>old job is ending on very good terms
>just got hired for a new job starting monday with a significant payraise
>have another company who also wants me, interviewing tomorrow
>might tell them both that I'll go with the highest bidder and rake in the cash
>bought some goodies at the store to celebrate, including a god damned steak and a bottle of high quality liquor
hahaha. my resume is lies and damned lies and i was fired from 3/5 of my past jobs (ragequit the other 2.) not only that but i have a scheme to get to six figures within 2-3 years. i win. i win! they thought they could fire me to save face for themselves. very, very soon i will make more than the managers who fired me to save their own asses. i already make more than one set of them. i will DAB on them all.

>>14714534
oh, also. i'm plotting my one-month-long dream vacation and have a way to line it up so not only can i take it, but i'm going to use the break to pivot into an even higher paying new job if wherever i go with isn't amicable to the time off. one month in paradise, and i can afford it, i broke down all the costs. i've been waiting years for this. feels god damned good, man.

>>14713827
not gonna lie this post was pretty /lit/. very no longer human vibes, bro. please write a diary and post it here.

>>14710403
I'm 28 years old
KHHV
Only have High School education
Might have to pick up a second job to support myself.

It's over for me, I just cope with fantasy novels and wish I can get isekai into another world.

i diagnosed myself with schizophrenia since i thought it would be funny

I'm sick of feeling hungover. It's not like the effects are any worse I just can't be fucked to put up with it anymore. Drinking isn't fun anymore. Being a hungover mess the next day isn't fun anymore.

>>14714954
The problem is that you're not drinking enough. If you never stopped drinking, you wouldn't get a hangover.

>>14710403
by not holding up I just let it be
A M O R F A T I

>>14713827
iktfb shits fucked

>>14714965
>If you never stopped drinking, you wouldn't get a hangover.
this is the kind of advice i come to /lit/ for

>>14714534
based

Very dark. But I cant understand why. Nothing in my life is truly bad. None of it is particularly good either though. My brain hurts more and more each day and sleep no longer feels like sleeping. Everyday feels like the strongest hangover despite my diet being rice and water most days. I quit weed last week and have only had 2 beers this year. I miss alcohol alot, be was truly my best friend, there for me after any kind of day and embracing me.

>>14711399
The time period where you realize you might have a problem but you're not so far gone yet that you don't give a shit is short and only happens once. Do something about this now before this is your future:
youtube.com/watch?v=wtr9l9AYT94

>>14710403
I'm 28 and I'm not sure where I want to live long-term. Because of that, I'm hesitant to date and then feel trapped, but I'm also lonely because I'm not seeing anyone.

I also have something weird going on with the muscles in my chest and back. If I sit hunched over my desk, my chest kills. But if I sit up with my back straight and shoulders back, my back kills. At the end of every work day, both hurt and I'm just shifting back and forth between postures and develop more and more pain and get grouchy and can't focus on my work.

Also, I've been averaging 6 hours of sleep per night for the last 5 months and I'm just realizing how much it's fucking me up.

Doing well. I've been training myself to spend less and less time on 4chan after work and more and more time being productive. I've gotten about 15k into my first novel

>>14710451
Fellow bipolarfag

>>14715207
>I'm 28 and I'm not sure where I want to live long-term
I was the same. I traveled domestically to a few different cities. Just take a week or 2 and scope out a few places. One will stand out. Move there.

Now I'm set up in a great place and am finally content. I've also begun dating.

I'll just leave it here.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manmukh

After a lot of thought. I have decided to kill myself next monday, most likely in the early AM. I shall spend Friday and Saturday and Sunday eating all I can and getting extremely high. I will write a small piece to commemorate it during that period. Then I'll be off to enjoy eternal rest with the other damned.

>>14710403
Found some pills that induce mania so I haven't slept in a couple days but I feel like a million dollars.

A lot of things have been piling up lately. My laptop broke, which I need for my job, one of my qualifications which I also need for my job expired and that costs money to renew, my motherfuckin drivers license snapped in half so I have to get that replaced, and I owe over $1000 to the tax department that I'm overdue on. My gym membership also just expired and that was one of the few things I enjoyed and kept me sane, but I'm gonna have to wait a while until I can renew it. It's a good thing I don't have medical bills ( I stopped buying my bipolar medication about a year ago but that was for reasons unrelated to money ).

I'm lucky because I have some savings that can cover this, but it has made realise how quickly a few instances of bad luck can pile up and send you broke. Damn.

I cant seem to transform the belief thats its pointless to do anything because one day you're going to die. It just disarms me from putting up a fight 'cause its not worth.

>>14710403
job search sucks
someone lob an asteroid in the general direction of my residence

>>14714377
That hit real hard. Maybe find something else to do together that's still enjoyable, like cards, or backgammon.

Not going too much into details but basically ever since I become my own boss with my own small business (antiques), I feel wholesome. I finally managed to start hiking, birdwatching (about 350 species after two years), I spend most of my money for these two activities often going to bumfuck nowhere. Last year I gave up on two months of business to follow migratory birds in China and Russia. Will do a similar thing but this time in North America.
Zero social media, don’t give a shit about other people’s life unless I directly ask them in real life, not even for my business. All enquiries have to go through phone calls.
Apart from reading, I am drawing bird pictures every day.
Birdwatching and hiking made me feel wholesome, would recommend.

>>14716695
That sounds really cozy, I'm a bit jealous! I love watching birds as well, they all have so much personality to them which I think a lot of people unfortunately don't take the time to notice. It was a brief moment, but watching the courtship dance of a pair of Grebes made me the happiest I've been in a long while. I went on safari in South Africa last year and it was a joy to see all the cute birds and other animals. I'm happy for you anon.

I keep this board as my home page for 4chan so I am always thinking about my writing. I hate most of you due to your complete lack of taste. Your recommendations bore me; They are nothing but pseud drivel. This became apparent when I saw what movies you liked too. Lynch, Bergman, Kubrick, Tarkovsky... It was all too much. The literature is just the same with post-modern crap. It isn't a surprise that you want it adapted to film. I'm glad this board is becoming better. The unironic communists here are cringe as hell and give arguments as strong as wet paper. Otherwise my personal life is okay at the moment. I have a gf who loves me. My job prospects are shit, but that is my fault.

>>14716117
livestream it

>>14716951
so you reject all postmodern literature, despite the fact it varies wildly?

that makes you the pseud, dumbfuck

>>14716958
Not all if it. That term can be used as a catch-all for anything made after 1950 or so. I mean the books that you all recommend that are the equivalent of "woah dude that was trippy bro". These books say nothing greater than what is on the page and you all consider something experimental to have inherent worth without the novel being required to emotionally impact the reader. I know it's my opinion, but the novels seem so bland and boring. The aesthetic is nowhere to be seen and accompanies colors of gray and brown. Rare gems are noted here. I would hardly call that impressive of a literature board. Philosophy threads are absent of solid argumentation. Instead you all like to tout whatever garbage philosopher (few have read enough of them to argue with you) and call anons that disagree stupid. The ">tfw 2smart" meme should have stayed around so everyone here would be constantly reminded of their superiority complex.

>>14717039
Delilo, DFW, Pynchon, Nabokov, Beckett, Gladdis

These works are what you call 'bland and boring?'
'nothing greater than what is on the page?'

My friend, I think you may not have given them a fair shake.

haven't slept for 42 hours. ate about 7 too many modafinils

>>14714377
take the initiative and just ask if he wants to get dinner or see a movie or literally anything instead. you don't have to dwell on the fading joy of a self you no longer are; talk to the man in front of you.

>>14714377
Have you considered that BOTW just might be a shit Zelda game?

This thread is giving me deja vu, I feel like I've seen all the replies here before

>>14717157
It's because people don't want to listen to the "Reminder to ignore all pseudointellectual rhetoriticians"-fag.

I read Tartar Steppe and i got massive existential dread over death. No matter what i do or achieve - i'm going to die and there's no denial. I'm afraid to live at the fullest because its worse to try and fail than do nothing and then fail.

>>14713589
There is clearly something in your life that is causing you to keep what you consider to be a bad habit. Fapping/porn in themselves are perfectly fine (provided you're not doing some ungodly number of hours per day). Focusing on getting rid of your fapping habit merely treats the symptom.

What is it that's causing you to have these urges so much in the first place, and then to react so negatively to them? That is likely to be a much more productive line of reasoning.

>>14713589
Jacking off is not the issue. It’s not so different from shitting or pissing. Gotta answer the urge.
Porn is pure evil though. Get rid of porn, entirely if you can.

>>14717167
>its worse to try and fail than do nothing and then fail.

Is it? Conventional wisdom would suggest the opposite.

>>14717039
the shit you're complaining about is vague.
at least write some names

I feel like i've grown a lot as person but every once an a while the bleakness of the future and current events leading to it, often combined with things in my direct environment, make it extremely difficult to be the better person i want to be and i fall into weeks/months long slumps where i fall into self destructive habbits and feel at best numb and mindless

I'm sober now and have quite effectively unfucked my head. I don't want to fall prey to the trap of hubris but I think I've done it, for real. My thought is clearer than it's ever been. I've taken a few tentative steps into the world, although the strides that await still seem a little scary.

Feeling that vague all pervasive sadness that comes every once and a while. That type whose only cure is to lie in bed and do nothing. That heaviness, sleepiness. It feels bad; but I tell myself it is still good to feel. I think I am reaching an age where the pull of nostalgia are starting to weigh more and more heavily on my psyche. In years prior I didn't have the catalogue of memories yet required to feel nostalgia fully, but nowadays I can spend hours in bed reminiscing on past places, people, loves. I want desperately to return to the past. I want desperately to be anywhere other than the present.

>>14717205
man ive fallen hard for that trap. I remember thinking at one point that "this is it, after a lifetime of shit, ive made it and this the beginning of my new life and im never looking back, fuck yea" and then a few weeks later I took a catastrophic nosedive back into my old ways and now another year has just disappeared and im in just as bad if not worse condition than i was before

>>14710560
Have u checked out Jung's red book, he has some interesting theories on sleep paralysis u might enjoy

>>14715207
Go to a chiropractor. You probably have scoliosis.

>>14717193
>Conventional wisdom would suggest the opposite.
but is there a difference in the eyes of death?

>>14717244
yeah, it's good to avoid that kind of grandiose thinking because when you fall, you fall twice as hard. better to realise that you aren't a new you and it isn't the beginning of a new life, you're simply going to try to make the right decisions from now on, and pick yourself up quickly if you fall.

>>14717284
No, but then there must be some reason you still are alive. If death is so indifferent, why not kill yourself right now? Clearly you are driven by *some* desire for meaning, however miniscule, so why not make meaning in pursuit of something bold and ambitious? You have the choice.

>>14717167
I'm going to make the obnoxious assumption that you are a student in a faggy leftist university like Bologna, my advice would be either:
-read more Buzzati: his fascination with mysticism and mystery stems far more than "what if we didn't have to go to war", "war is boring" and "memento mori but also memento bore"
-stop reading altogether if you get depressed instead of motivated and go farm your land proudly

>>14710403
Not gonna lie, I've been feeling a little fucked up lately.

I'm 29M and very lonely. I'm also just despairing how old I'm getting and still being in this state. Everything seems to move both too slow and too fast sometimes.. excruciatingly slow when in pain, but too fast when I realize months have gone by without getting better. I spend spare time listening to music, watching films, reading books, and palyign the odd video game. Sometimes when I can deal, podcasts/asmr/twitch streams (cause those are like friend/intimacy simulators). But even listening to great music sometimes just reminds me I used to be a musician but now don't have energy to. Watching films/reading books reminds me i'd like to make one someday, but I don't write at all, and probably have no talent nor money to make anything happen. So I feel totally alien to who I used to be, almost just feel like a ghost half in the world.

I don't have anyone and most of the time i don't care about it but if I thought about it a lot, I do care, I think it could help having a friend or significant other that understands and can comfort me. I desire intimacy, love, and respect. People talk about psychological factors in healing, and I think the irony is that just feeling supported is more of an important psychological factor in resting well and healing slightly, than CBT or any shrink could be.

I'm also going to be 30 on the 18th...

Not well at all.

>>14710553
Dyel

>>14717297
>read more Buzzati
what would you rec?

>>14717296
Because my only hope is that one day a miracle will happen and i'll turn out for good.

>>14717368
That's a pickle because I don't really know how much he's translated but you can't go wrong with his short stories.

is there anything more cucked than being a man with female room mates which you are not having sex with

medical entrance exam in just over a week.. have been preparing for 6 months now and still feel somewhat unprepared, getting 90+%ile on practice tests which is pretty great but i still can't convince myself that i am able, self doubt is pretty much the story of my life
i think living life thinking of myself as a worthless loser has convinced me forever that i'll never amount to anything, even if there's clear signs of ability
i just hope i don't choke on the day, because even though in the back of my head i've got some hint of confidence, the voice in my head always beats me

I feel like I live in a cycle of addictions. I wake up and battle phone addiction. If I "lose", one hour is spent on social media doing nothing. Once I manage to get up and get my morning routine over with, I battle nicotine addiction. When the cigarette is finished, I fight computer addiction. This one in particular is very ingrained in my subconscious. I'll stay sit until I'm bored (sometimes I don't reach boredom) at which point I'll resort to any form of escapism, be it videogames or basedboy media (youtube, 4chan, yadayada).
Come nighttime, I have the choice of continuing PC addiction hours or going on ~4h soft drug marathons with my circle of friends, composed of equally addicted people who I love dearly. Sometimes we are productive and make music.
Upon arrival, I go back to the computer and go get some basedboy snacks (sugar'd-the-fuck-up-ceereal, for example).
The best time is before bed, when I read books until I'm begging for sleep.
Every single day goes a little something like that. I hate life, but I wouldn't an hero.

>>14717439
you can do it anon!
you're going to pass it with flying colors

>>14715199
I want to go back

>>14710403
Fucking great, mostly.

My only recent regret was buying a bottle of Jäger since I recall liking it but drinking that shit pure is fucking disgusting, it's way too sweet … and I'm not sure whether buying something else so soon again is a good financial decision.

In the process of tailoring query for agents and holy fuck, there are so many Jews. And I have no clue how to include "btw I'm half a Jew" without making it too apparent that I'm pandering to them. Also this whole #ownvoices stuff seems confusing, going deeper it clearly involves immigrants and working class people but most agents seem to focus on the queers and darkies when they go on about how much they care about representation.

>>14717546
did you drink warm jager?

>>14717551
At start ... yes. But trying cold now and it still sucks. Never trust nostalgia, kids.

>>14717445
Get a job, what the fuck. Also, a regular drug binge/jam session sounds pretty nice

>>14717635
I am looking for a job, yes. However, after the short period of feeling better than when I was unemployed, I always end up feeling as miserable when I am working, just less free.

Okay at the moment. About to have a little gathering with some buds in the next town over where we'll be dropping acid and having some fun.

>>14710730
cool, I work with PLCs, maybe we're in the same sort of environment (industrial). it beats workin' in a fuckin' office, I tell you what.

and I'm fine, thanks. I'm a fat fuck myself trying to lose weight but food appears to be my drug unfortunately.

took a sick day off work, reading Atomised and watching Rome (HBO).

>>14710403
Horrible man. I'm an absolute mess.

>>14711522
Don't listen to this cumbrain
>>14711888

>>14717792
What I mean is that if you had something to take up your time, then you would be less likely to piss it all away on the internet

Kinda great, honestly.
Something clicked in me after moving to Netherlands for uni and now I feel like life is kind of a playground. I truly appreciate the small stuff in daily life. Interactions with others don't scare me anymore, because I don't really care for them on a personal level, but I am completely cold towards those with whom I would like to be friends with, which sucks. Picked up a ton of hobbies and now I feel like I'm just flowing somewhere with time and space.

>Ah so we’ve all finally gathered together for Grandma’s birthday lunch.
>”happy birthday Grandm-“
>”Have you got a job yet?”
>tittering
>”I’m looking”
>”It’s honestly so easy to get a job, you’re just too lazy”
>Smiles awkwardly. “So the dinner-“
>”or maybe he’s just scared.”
>laughter
>”bit nervous of having a job interview anon?”
>more laughs, everyone looking at me at once
>”Don’t you get bored of doing nothing all day?”

>>14713027
lay down on the couch, put on David Attenbourough docu and relax. Thats what I did for the week after my concussion

I need to do some physical activity and I want to get into a new sport. Thinking MMA, never done a martial art. Unfortunately my arm and leg is still a bit fucked up from knife wounds in a robbery attempt. Advice?

>>14711015
Just buy a bag of whole roasted coffee beans and eat them in portions of about 8-11 beans
That amount contains as much caffeine as a cup of coffee, it'll hit you faster and be taken in by your body differently if you chew it in your mouth for a while and let your mucous membrains absorb it
Much more efficient and much cheaper than coffee
Cheaper and less addictive than adderall
One bag of beans will last you quite a while

>>14711464
Stop chasing an imago, just do what you enjoy not what you think you should enjoy
Unless it's harmful to other people/dangerous and illegal, don't do it then

>>14713027
I got a concussion a year ago but didn't really realize it at the time and played a bunch of puyo puyo and drove around
Probably wasn't good for me

>>14710403

Vision in my left eye got suddenly worse for no apparent reason.

I always had myopia as far as I can recall, but it was at least balanced and equal to both eyes.

Trying to improve myself and move past some trauma.
Never had any mental health problems until this past summer, I'm in senior year of college now and I think the stress of realizing I'm about to graduate/getting older/having been in an internship I didn't particularly like got to me.
Experienced a panic attack while driving and had to pull over, it became something associated with cars and now I get anxiety whenever I'm driving by myself.
Able to do it most of the time fine and didn't let it develop into agoraphobia or anything, though I was worried at the possibility of it.
Still get slight anxiety and trying to power through it, might try out Holotropic Breathwork though it could be a load of shit so I'm probably not going to pay for a lesson or anything if I do, just try it out with a friend around in case shit does get bad.
Recently cut down my alcohol consumption a lot which is a good thing, have been eating healthier too. Bought a small journal and writing in it every couple days.
Trying to learn ancient or Koine Greek, already memorized the alphabet and a few words but still have a lot to go. Most of it will wait until after I graduate college though.
>>14718996
Let your arm and leg heal before trying to do anything too strenuous or else they'll end up more fucked
I did Taekwondo throughout highschool, all the way up to black belt, it was fun and a great work out but not very practical
We were taught self defense exercises and other more useful things, but the majority of Taekwondo is looking flashy and cool
Once you've healed I recommend Boxing if you want a serious fighting sport, or Judo for grappling
In the meantime read Jack Dempsey's Championship Fighting in combination with watching highlight matches of Dempsey, Tyson, Ali, and other known names; or read Katsuhiko Kashiwazaki's Fighting Judo

>>14719225
I should mention, I also quit smoking weed. Had been on occasion before and never any problems but it began causing my anxiety to flare up worse so I figured I should stop. That and, I never really enjoyed it that much in the first place but it just became a thing to do, for the better that I quit since I wasn't productive on it.

>>14712312
Find yourself a better girl

>>14711464
I basically just play puzzle games now, but I'm not sure if they really count as what people say "video games" are these days.

for the first time in a long time, i feel understood by someone. it's a new and strange and nice feeling. also i'm covering a lot of ground on this project that i am working on. last year was pretty rough, and i think things may be looking up for me. i hope they are!

>>14719225
>having been in an internship I didn't particularly like got to me

Oh brother do I feel this. I did very well at uni, and landed myself a competitive, high paying internship right out of graduation. But I've done summonsed things before, and I hate absolutely everything about working in an office. It's really not something I expect any sympathy for, but the thought of sitting in a suit in an office 9 to 5 every day gives me panic attacks. Last office role I had sent me into the worst depression of my life (though that was a particularly bad job). I feel ungrateful of course, I could be working in a foundry for $2 an hour. But I don't know... what are we to do anon?

How do other people have something worth living/looking forward to? I cant decept myself anymore

>>14710403
Crippling OCD

>>14718906
Where are you studying bro? Fellow international in Dutchland here.

>>14719995
>>14716695 it's me
I went through this too back then right after grad school. Some people are perfectly fine with such routine, but some are not. I do not have many social issues, in fact I actually can do pretty well in social situations but I just hate interacting with people.
If you can, operate your own business. I know, it's not that easy. But that's the only way for myself, anyway. Good enough money and enough freedom to not give a shit about people and time.

>>14710403
https://discord.gg/hCjX58e

>>14720001
Don't look forward or backwards to anything, live entirely in the present.

>>14720025
Have you looked into ERP

>>14720270
Not really. What would you suggest, F-list?

Not well, OP.

I was able to get my first ever apartment, but it's on the same property I work at. My manager is a sexist cunt who berates the male workers, and the property owner is an indian businessman that demands to be treated like royalty. I'm pitching in for groceries for my mother, but I'm secretly starving myself because I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore. Working every hour of the day per week, so no stable sleep schedule for me. I'm depressed, but it's a "I'm stuck and nothing I can do about it" depression. All I have now is just trying not to succumb to my own bitter self hatred and not let it make me want to end my life. How about you, OP?

>>14716610
>>14717141
i think that's the tough part is finding something we have left in common. i'll work on that

>>14717153
lol'd, thanks

>>14710403
I feel like Icarus. For the longest time I wasn't happy but I could ignore it. Lately it feels like I was close to finding it and having some completion in my life. I fucked it up, and now I can't even go back to the ignorant state I was before.

>>14720373
If you want to keep playing games together, try something like cards, chess, or backgammon. Make the game a reason to hang out with him and actually converse and be together rather than both staring dead-eyed at a screen.

>>14720373
Get into board games. San Juan would be a good starter.

>>14720482
Or dominoes. Take the Old Man pill.

Today was honestly one of the less good days in recent memory.
I made a really stupid mistake that could've been easily avoided which might seem minor in the grand scheme of things but when your life is bad at least having the little things go right makes a big difference

>>14710403
I had a shit day at work. Something didn't go well during a meeting and I got into a bit of an argument because of something I'm partly responsible for fucking up. I'm a little scared people will think I'm a dickhead or a retard now, but I've been trying to become more assertive and give less of a shit about being disliked or whatever, so this might end up being helpful in the long run.

>>14713827
>Almost 29 years old
same
>neet for the majority of my adult life
same
>virgin
same
>don't have any interests or hobbies
same, i just exist.
>don't have anything I enjoy doing
same
>haven't done a single thing I can feel proud of
same
>haven't accomplished anything
same
>never followed a single thing to completion
same
>use the internet and books solely as time wasters
same
>squandered any potential I had
same
>want to kill myself daily
I am too much of a pussy.
>consciously choose the worst path for myself no matter how many chances I'm given
same
>I honestly think I was a mistake. At every point in my life I've proven that I am unfit for living. In any world imaginable, I am unable to picture myself being content with existing. My greatest wish is to be unborn.
i feel you.

>>14718934

Lately I’ve grown to despise any and all kinds of cognitive exercise, probably because enrolling in uni again made me realize once more just how useless my brain is. I haven’t even written a single line of code or read a single page of my current book (The Idiot) in months. I actively avoid to discuss or mull over intellectual matters of all sorts because it’s just so taxing on my mind.
How do I get out of this, folks? How do I regain my love for thinking? I hate being a mindless consoomer normie.

>>14713827
My dumbass is a mile above yours.

>>14716117
please dont do it

>>14718934
Literally me but my grandmother hates me and my family doesn't laugh but also scorns me for not having a job.

>>14713827
Same..

I'm 30 on the 18th and it's all in perspective right now...

>>14711459
There really is no end to emotional introspection. I made the same decision as you and decided to leave my feelings alone, its easier to function that way.

>>14720787
>There really is no end to emotional introspection

Very true anon. Any introspection leads to an infinite regress into every chasms of the mind. It's truly exhausting and all one ultimate uncovers is more of what the original anon said.

>>14720831
I don't really like Pessoa much but he understood this problem very well:
“We never know self-realization. We are two abysses - a well staring at the sky.”

>>14710403
The depressive episodes are coming more often and are stronger. Scared that I'm going to once again going to have an episode that just doesn't end, that goes on for months and years where every day is a struggle to fight off the suicidal thoughts. At this moment I feel pretty good though.

>at work
>job makes me anxious and depressed while destroying my spine and back
>off work
>feel worse because I have no social life and dont do anything but flip through 4chan and read pirated manga
>in social situation
>constantly feel like I'm acting like a retard, try to make jokes but shut down after a bit out of fear of saying something embarrassing
>alone
>overfocus on my problems and shortcomings and fall into suicidal thought spiral

>>14710403
I was making good progress, learning a lot from some profs at uni, had a good fall term, spent most of my time studying outside of class. Things were looking so fucking good. Then depression hit me, I stopped leaving my apartment, now failing all my courses, disappeared from life, and am still giving my parents the impression that I'm having a fun time at uni and passing courses so they keep paying for everything. I'm living off of domino's pizza delivered to my place every couple of days.

>>14721298
Shit happens bro, if it’s any solace you are definitely not the first. All we can do is pull ourselves back up again

I play sports, have lots of friends, and doing well in life, but I can’t find a girl who loves me. I work out, rep after rep, have developed the best physique I’ve ever had, yet I have no clue how to find someone who loves me. I haven’t had a girlfriend in 7 years despite having lots of friends and not even being ugly.

Sometimes I feel like crying but I don’t because my body just can’t and sometimes I just want to scream but I don’t see the point. The idea of not being able to raise a family of my own terrifies me and I’m scared, sad, and I don’t tell anyone because they wouldn’t understand and it’s bad social behavior. The only things keepIng me going are sports+working out, family, and friends but when I’m alone at the end of the day, I just feel sad.

>>14717205
While this moment of realization is beautiful, it is not sustainable without disciplined action. Recovery from any addiction is centered around consistent, daily upkeep.
>t. nearly 3 years sober from heroin/alcohol

>>14721398
I feel you buddy. I've got lots of friends, successful at what I do, can get laid pretty easily, but can't hold down a girlfriend. Dated this one girl for about a month and she was obsessed with me, but she was really annoying. I was so lonely I thought maybe I'd stick it out, but we were just too incompatible, it wasn't fair to either of us. I think the marketization of sex means that a lot of young women are less interested in long term relationships, and are more content with a string of failed casual relationships while they pursue study and early career goals. Not all girls are like this of course, maybe not even a majority, but I think it's undoubtedly harder to hold onto a girlfriend these days than it was in our parents age.

>>14710403
>how are you holding up, /lit/?
Scared shitless. This year will decide if I live in happiness or I kill myself.

>>14712529
There’ve been times when I thought I was in love with someone, but ended up just misunderstanding my own feelings, so it could be like that. If you’re not used to closeness, you may just be misconstruing what someone important means to you. Either way, you could say that all love is romantic on a certain level, so it’s nothing to worry about too much. Even if it’s none of that, I hope you get peace of mind

>>14714973
Honestly the only way to get by

got my academic failures wiped

>>14713827
27, a bit more accomplished but it's all shit. i don't know who i am. all i know is that i wanted passion, but i've failed to become anything. i used to be a drug addict bc it gave me hope that i could be something. i still haven't given up getting.. SOMETHING, but my thinking is thus: i need to succeed at the things i've always failed at, as in the fundamentals. my sleep is shit. my dopamine is fucked. porn addiction, youtube, 4chan. i need to exercise. i managed to get work but i'm a retarded beast around people and people treat me as such. at BEST i'm minimally competent socially, but the restaurant people who hired me seem to be fairly content more with me being competant, as many who are hired are not. it astounds me how i have two jobs and am holding down an apartment. i'm starting sungazing, weightlifting, and 30 min aerobic exercise daily. i follow this diet now https://naturopath4you.com/healthy-diet-challenge/ basically paleo: meat and veg, handful of berries. cutting sugar and grains helped like fuck anyway. i need to fix my posture too, so i've got everyhing i need there.
these are the things i am working on, and i need to be able to go forward and hope that something opens up.i'd rather not kill myself at this point but maybe my past will win, who knows
i'm a such a little bitch about life man

>>14710403
Good. I have a gf now. Haven't been able to finish a book this year. Did 20 last year. I miss coming to /lit/

found out I have sleep apnea because I have a terrible nose. never really been able to smell or breathe through it. thought it was normal. turns out it's been fuckin with my sleep and fatigue'n the fuck outta me. goin to see an ENT in a couple weeks. hopefully i'll get surgery and will have energy again

>>14710403
I am pretty unqualified to be hanging out here.

>>14721760
you need to be five years into a four year degree and have a debilitating tobacco habit to post on /lit/

>>14710403
I want to hurt someone

Terrible

doing pretty good! i've been cleaning my room and slowly unfucking my shit. selling some useless stuff that people pay surprisingly good money for, video games mostly. been going out and trying to be more positive too. seeing a therapist, that helps me catch my mood. also been spending less time on 4chan, though i fi do come here, i'll only go on /lit/ for good discussion threads/recs and maybe /tv/ for a quick laugh. tomorrow i'll start incoporating exercise and over the weekend look for a 3-4 day per week job so i can get money coming on so i can buy the new animal crossing game when it comes out next month.

>>14721927
>animal crossing game
Sup, femanon.

>>14721946
lol im a dude, dude

>>14714237
I love clown world too

>>14719995
Roshi.gif poster here
I was working 40 hours a week in a cubicle doing IT backend stuff, I was pretty good at it and got along with my coworkers well but just the routine of it and the cubicle experience was grating me down and filling me with some sort of existential dread
40 hours a week of it made me feel like I was being strangled for time
Shit can be tough, office bureaucracy is dreadful at times
>>14720107
Glad you figured out a nice situation for yourself anon, sounds very wholesome
I'm going to school in NYC right now but grew up in a rural area and planning on moving back after I graduate
I miss hiking so fucking much, city life makes me want to tie the noose

I don't want to be an intellectual, I want to be a Turco-Mongol steppe nomad.

>>14710562
How are you holding things down, anon?

>>14720029
Uni of Groningen, you?

>>14711522
Most important lesson from college: College whores are NOT important. Find yourself an 'uneducated' girl
t. Graduating this year

>>14713827
literally me

>>14713827
>all the responses
How the fuck do you guys even exist? I get most of the crap but
>don't have any interests or hobbies
>don't have anything I enjoy doing
Just doesn't process for me. Is it hardcore depression? Hardcore laziness? Something else I don't consider? Finding some passion would fix half of the problems, so what stops you all from at least looking and keep looking and looking more? It's not like you have anything else to do with all the time you have.

>>14710403
I'm doing good in career and work, which makes me happy, but I'm anxious now because my happiness is tied to my success, which I don't always have control over.

Modern American middle-class life is a fucking disaster. It seems like a prerequisite for becoming “mature” and “well-integrated” that you be boring and soulless as fuck.

Not only that, but we have so much easy access to terrible habits. We ironically think we’re living in the most enlightened age when tremendous quantities of the well-off and civilized are suffering from mental illnesses, drug abuse, sedentary lifestyles, easy access to crap junk food and processed food, and addiction to glowing screens (Tv, computer, smartphone).

What the fuck

Psychiatrists can’t even help. They just offer you pills or try to find ways to integrate you into a sick society

My friends do not help. I have friends but secretly feel tremendously different from them.

Priest don’t help. Organized religions don’t help. Meditating doesn’t help. Exercising and changing diet doesn’t help. Getting a job does not help. Nothing helps because the only prospects I see for myself on this planet are those of living in an abyss of nihilism.

Wow I sound like a really fucking edgy teenager

>>14722427
And just to follow up, do any of you know what I mean when I talk about “dead fisheye stares of the soulless masses”? Going out to malls or restaurants or stores, or maybe at your job or in your classes .... when you see people just blankly staring sometimes. The blank stare of an automaton.

Or when you try to talk to them and the only things you can talk about are the most trivial things possible. Media they’ve consumed. Drugs they’ve consumed. Food they’ve consumed. The weather. Sports. The latest music.

So many people are so fucking uninteresting that it’s astonishing. And if you try to talk about this, these same type of soulless fucks will come in with their “Nuh-uh!!!! Everyone has their own secret problems and interesting parts you’re just not seeing it!!!!”

Do you know what it feels like to get to know someone so well that you see that there’s nothing there at all. They’re just going on loop. Even their psychological problems and extreme depression are uninteresting. I’ve known people like this and it’s terrifying. I’ve drank with them and gotten high with them and slept over at their houses and bared my stupid emotions to them. And then eventually I realized we’re both nothing. We’re just going on loop.

There’s a girl I used to know from a class and we took the same train sometimes so we started to talk outside of class with each other. But over time she would begin to tune me out and put earbuds on and just look at her phone in the middle of our conversations. And then eventually I realized there was no one there at all. Just someone blanking out in front of a phone.

“Oh, what? Sorry, did you say something?” taking out an earbud.

“Oh, never mind, it’s not serious ... I didn’t realize you were busy.”

“Oh, haha,” putting her earbud back in.

Fuck you in advance, all you stupid fucking nothing people who are going to make your stupid arrogant responses to this. You are just shit and you know it deep down. Fuck you. You all know who you are. Thanks for reading.

>>14722468
>someone else is having a great time listening to music
>annoy them with your babble
>be surprised they don't give a fuck
>it's somehow their fault and worthy of a >we live in a society rant
You seem tense, mate. Also kinda dense.
>Thanks for reading.
You're welcome!

I wish i could be normal instead of being fucking neurotic.

>>14722427
>>14722468
>r_____ s______
You've made some basic bitch realizations and you're mad that things are the way they are.
Don't "settle down" mentally as a small-souled bugman.

>>14710403

Haven't shat blood in a few months, though I expect it any time. The 3.2 beer I like is getting scarce and my wells are drying up. That one idiot deleted my thing though he left the most salient part as usual. Car is running fine. No one seems to want to talk about Eric Ciaramella.

>>14722526
Why was there an attempt to hide his identity? The media never does that.

>>14722487
I took a picture of my tiny balls and penis for you and I’m not even on drugs right now.

>>14722523
Holy .... holy fucking shit!!!!

That’s the deepest .... that’s the deepest fucking .... holy!!!

>>14722517
Yes, I would gladly choose to be an NPC. Call me a sheep but ignorance truly IS bliss. Especially nowadays, we are so doomed for the future I don't even know where to start.

>>14721687
Sounds like you are a lucky one. Stay away, don't let us drag you down with us.

>>14722523

Is there an alpha chad version of settling down?

I gotta complain about something real quick. I was downstairs playing Bioshock and actually doing well for a change even on hard which isn’t bad for me. It was putting me in a good mood. I got to thinking that I will play the second one finally (my roommate has all of them) and then probably replay infinite and I like the atmosphere of Infinite. The games nothing perfect, but it’s got a nice world and is set in a very comfy and underrepresented portion of history. I was thinking about how just generally happy I was. Not just in that moment, but for a while now. I’ve been content. I’ve been going to the gym for a few weeks now and am already feeling an increase in endurance and strength. Nothing drastic, but it’s nice to be able to go even just a few minutes longer on the elliptical than I was a few weeks ago. I’ve got good friends who I enjoy the company of. I’ve had my periods of sadness, but overall my life’s not been bad and I’ve been feeling good. Nothing could bring me down. Then I went up stairs for bed and what do I see but my shitty MacBook waiting for me still with a black screen even though the power is on. I try not to let it get to me. “I guess I can only hope it’s working in the morning” I think, trying to not let it bother me. Then I start to thinking about the shit I have on there that I don’t want to be lost (stories and poems, what have you). So I check my phone to see if I can access them from the cloud. Some I can, but for some reason others I can’t. Including the big one I really really wouldn’t like to loses. Guess I’ll have to look into that once my laptop is working again. Well that gets me started so I try looking up fixes again and see one that I haven’t tried that looks promising. I try it and absolutely fucking nothing. Now let me tell you something. The fact that if I look up “MacBook stuck on black screen” 90% of what I look up comes up as MacBook Pro only shit makes me want to hurl a sack full of babies into toxic sludge. Why do the fucking names have to be the goddamn same if the goddamn shit doesn’t work on the my fucking laptop fucking fucking fuck you apple if this goddamn laptop is broken I swear to fucking goddamn that I will dig Steve Jobs up, shit into his rotting mouth and feed the whole cadaver to the current CEO. I have tried everything, but the powered on laptop is still just sitting here with the black screen of death. Making me want to hurl it into the ocean. I though I was happy for once in my fucking life I could actually experience what pure unhindered happiness truly could be until fucking APPLE HAD TO GODDAMN FUCKING RUIN IT AGAIN PIECE OF SHIT JUST FUCKING WORK

>>14722649
Never have I gone from actual true pure happiness to unbridaled rage so quickly. Please don’t make my mistake. Don’t by any of Apple’s shit products, I’ve had this shitty laptop that barely works for 4 years. If this is how it does then it would just be the last shit cherry on the shit sunday

>>14713027
what was it like when you were concussed?

>>14713027
I honestly think I might be concussed. I gotta look into that

>>14716117
please brother I know this might be upsetting to hear but there is no eternal rest. I'm not saying it will be any worse after death, it could be better, but the ride never ends. You must push through and become the overman.

>>14716117
Your ghost will spend some unpleasant time in the afterlife realms facing some unpleasant things. Eventually you’ll wear out some of your bad karma and maybe get a glimpse of some rest and peace that you finally want, but then you will be drawn back to reincarnate again because of your misbegotten desires for the pleasures of earthly life on the one hand, and your soul’s deeper desire to educate and enlighten itself through life on the other hand.

However, I am powerless to stop you from doing this. I just thought you would like to know what happens.

>>14716117
My lit brother, please reconsider. If not for me, at least for your mother?
I will be praying for you tonight.

>>14722575
You can be normal without being npc

I'm in the same situation as >>14713827. NEETed for six years, briefly went to college, came back with nothing but further proof that I am completely incompatible with the real world. Now another year of NEETdom has flown by. I have absolutely nothing to live for. The only thing I look forward to is getting ridiculously drunk in secrecy at the weekend while my mother's away, and I'm not even sure why considering I always regret it come Sunday afternoon. I guess I'll figure it out soon enough as I only have enough money left to last another month or so.

Reading some of your posts.... degrees, careers, friends, lovers. I'm 26 years old. I've never even applied for a job. I've never spoken to an attractive girl who wasn't behind a counter or who didn't want me to sign for an Amazon Pantry vodka delivery. I haven't left the house since June. I haven't had any friends in over a decade, and even back then I doubt they fit most people's definition of the word. If I told the average person the sheer extent of the normal human life experiences I have missed out on, they would not believe me. It would be unthinkable to them. I know because even here you find anons who refuse to believe you can fuck up your life to the extent I have.

>>14722361
It's a combination of hardcore, lifelong depression and hardcore, lifelong dopamine receptor burnout. I have sat at my PC all day almost every day since I left school pushing a decade ago, and back then too if I wasn't at school I was on my PC. I've been on this shithole for almost 13 years, since I was 13 years old. Turns out that's bad for you. I have a big list of books to read, films to watch and games to play that I've accrued over the years but I barely touch any of it. I don't really do anything, I just sleep all day, check the same websites and play the same games I've been playing for a decade that stopped being fun long ago. You really think I have it in me to be passionate about something when this is how my life has turned out?

>>14723025
>when this is how my life has turned out?
I mean, circumstances wise a lot of your life could be mine sans depression (no clue whether my 2 year stint as a 13-14 year old who dreamed not to wake up counts),
>I'm 26 years old. I've never even applied for a job
>NEETed for six years, briefly went to college, came back with nothing
is very much LITERALLY ME if we don't count the job applications I was forced to write to keep NEETing, and I spent a good time dicking away in MMO's (and still do once a year for a crazy 16h a day playing month) or modding single player games, and had way too many days that were spent exclusively between 4chains, yt and the likes. Though I don't have to keep the drinking a secret at least.

Buuut, none of it ever affected my passion for writing. Couldn't you actively take a break from the time wasting and look for stuff you might be interested in doing that isn't consuming media? It's not like you're going to have a burning passion for something right away and given how long it takes to be good enough at something to fully enjoy it, the dopamine receptors aren't going to get much to work with ... but accomplishing ANYTHING is a completely different feeling in the long run.

>>14713827
me but i'm 23.

>>14714097
How did you do it?

>>14710560
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0tdyU_gW6WE

>>14710403
I'm not, I've never thought so clearly about killing myself, when I look at myself in the mirror, I see someone that must die. I'm currently at 1g of Phenibut a day just to go through it.

The end is near, and that's a good thing.

>>14710403
I am desperately lonely and horny

>>14711459
Only ever do 'information' 'rational' 'cognitive' introspection about theory and practical projects, and reject all your affective life on the outside world (or better yet on God).

>>14710403
i hate living in England, it fucking rains all the time, its always grey and I'm stuck in the city surrounded by a bunch of illiterate, smelly brown people.
Wish i could fuck off to Cornwall or the lake district forever.

>>14722409
Read epictetus. Never ever put any importance in what does not depend on you.

>>14722427
>Exercising and changing diet doesn’t help.
t. Lazy tard who can't stick to a workout regiment or diet change
It doesn't have immediate effects but over time it will

Perhaps the best test of whether a girl is good enough for you is to see if you're willing to publicly announce the relationship without qualms. All romanticism needs to be tempered by realism or it come to hurt both parties. There's this nice girl whose family is fond of me, most definitely a virgin and seems to have a kind heart. She isn't the prettiest but dances sensuously. I feel like I can mould her to be the woman I want her to be but looking at past failures, I'm wary

>>14713827
Dedicate yourself to tennis. Master each stroke and something will give.

havent posted on here in so long
>got broken up with by a gf i had for a year about 2 weeks ago
>started smoking weed excessively and felt pretty bad all of the time, classes and work
>still talk to girl sometimes but it never ends well
>made a tinder the other night, got a bunch of matches and a number but still no meetups yet
>feels better to an extent
only have a couple more months at this godforsaken school. at least its the weekend

rec me something to read or listen to

>>14721755
i have the same problem, except i'm more self aware and conscious about it, fucks with my sleep big time and also causes me to wake up in the middle of the night sometimes
it's honestly a curse i wouldn't wish on anyone but i'm also getting surgery in a month or so, so i'm looking forward to that

>>14710403
>No longer obese, just overweight, closing in on normal weight
>Obese from 12-24, now 25
>Somewhat handsome now
>afraid of girls
>mom's dying of cancer
>Says she's afraid of death since she wont get to see me anymore, and wont see me get married

existence is a cruel joke

>>14723640
If she is willing to love you, cast away any feelings of others. A true partner is willing to change for the other.

>>14723640
If you want to mold her into someone she isn't, then you don't actually love her

>>14724287
My mom died when I was 21 (5 Years ago). I miss her...

Over the land freckled with snow half-thawed
The speculating rooks at their nests cawed
And saw from elm-tops, delicate as flower of grass,
What we below could not see, Winter pass.

>>14711399
stop now. I'm in the same boat and the longer it goes on the less you care

what the fuck is wrong with board
all of these young people in their 20s with so much pain baka

>>14723386
I mean you’re right, but fuck this planet anyway

We actually live in a society unironically

>>14725159
whats so strange about it?

>>14720639
I don't know man but what seems to sometimes work for that general malaise is breaking up your routine in some way. I'm not advocating blind consoomerdom but maybe you should just go out and buy something new, like some new clothes or a nice new e-reader if what you have now is shit. Something about seeing an obvious improvement in one of the things immediately surrounding you will make you want to update everything else. Also, browse /fit/

>>14724926
Fuck man I'm sorry to hear that, this sucks and I wish neither of us had to do it so early. Hope your weekend goes well.

>>14721453
no it won't. the big event in your life will occur exactly two years from now on this date.

>>14717244
>>14721432
>>14717290
Thanks for your replies, you're all right, of course. It's good to be reminded of how important it is to stay on top of shit. Be well.