/lit/ - Literature

Too bad i don't write in english. :(

No thanks. lol

You haven't even said how the winner will be judged.

>>1448147
....it isn't obvious? It's a WRITING contest, how do you think it'll be judged?

"Of repentance or remorse or any feeling of mine," Lady Dedlock presently proceeds, "I say not a word. If I were not dumb, you would be deaf."

- Bleak House by Charles Dickens

Hmmm I'm on it.

>>1448147
I was going to put up a list of criteria, but I thought it would be more restrictive than helpful. This is a creative writing contest, not an essay contest. Part of the fun is seeing how people might surprise me.

From Everything is Illuminated by Foer"

"I exhibited him a smutty magazine three days yore, so that he should be appraised of the many positions in which I am carnal. 'This is the sixty-nine,' I told him, presenting the magazine in front of him. I put my fingers - two of them - on the action, so that he would not overlook it. 'Why is it dubbed sixty-nine?' he asked, because he is a person hot on fire with curiosity. 'It was invented in 1969. My friend Gregory knows a friend of the nephew of the inventor.' 'What did people do before 1969?' 'Merely blowjobs and masticating box, but never in chorus.'"

Eh, I'll throw in an entry.
http://pastebin.com/bWgQCsyv

http://pastebin.com/AM8wMwL4

>>1448215
Actually, Hemingway committed suicide.

>>1448219
facepalm.jpg
Look at OPs name fool.

>>1448223
It doesn't matter. Your disrespect and ignorance of one of the greatest literary figures, HEMINGWAY, is appalling.

>>1448227
Hemingway is an awful, awful writer.
Proof: Fiesta.

>>1448228
Your dislike of ONE book of his does not mean he is not a respected literary figure. Further, I would be interested in what kind of writers you do like, or rather, what kind of writer you are. I'm guessing not a very good one, considering you felt the need to unnecessarily troll this thread.

>>1448239
You seem pretty mad, bro.
Hemingway's shit, deal with it.

>>1448244
>make shallow opinion of prolific author based on one book

Not mad, bro. You're funny.

>>1448244
lol

you funny, man. you a funny man.

>>1448228
I like Hemingway
(no homo)

I'm gonna copy and paste what I just wrote up there.

I have a very stupid and embarrassing question: do I just copy and paste my story into the box, click "submit," and expect the judge to read it? Or should I post a link to my story? I have an 860-word story that I wrote a while ago that I would like to post for the competition, but I don't really know how to go about it, because I R stupid and am easily confused by the internet.


"Brothers, love is a teacher, but a hard one to obtain; learning to love is hard and we pay dearly for it."

The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoevsky

>>1448255
>>1448251
>>1448247
samefag

http://pastebin.com/kXhjkGgH
http://www.amazon.com/Mister-I-Lewis-Trondheim/dp/1561634867/ref=pd_sim_b_1

>>1448141

http://pastebin.com/99YZM0wH

I appreciate any and all comments and critiques, thank you!

>>1448263
uh no. How hard is it to believe that other people like Ernest Hemingway?

http://pastebin.com/arY6vymy

not american but no worries

>>1448199
I don't have anything constructive to say. I had to read it a couple of times to really "get it" (2deep4me at first), but I really enjoy it. I love how complex it is, how serious the character seems throughout, but then at the lulz at the end.

Also, 'no one' is two words.

>>1448277
*lulz at the end

>>1448261
Alright, this is what you need to do:
Copy and paste the story into pastebin.
Click submit.
Copy & paste the url on that page to your post.
Do what the anon did here, posting a link to the story: >>1448199
Either, post with a trip like the anon above (it's easy, just type in your username ## and a password in the name field of your post) OR post a link to the story and a link to your wish list in the same post. OTHERWISE SOMEONE COULD PRETEND TO BE YOU AND ENTER YOUR WORK.

Obviously, for your final entry to be valid you need to eventually post your wishlist. But you don't have to do it the first time around.

No worries, bro. Not being proficient with the internet does not make you dumb. It's better to ask than to guess and make a mistake.

>>1448282
Thanks a ton.

>>1448277
Yeah I always fuck that up.. haha

>mfw I participate in a writing contest with 5000€ as first price rite nao

Be not afeard; the isle is full of noises,
Sounds, and sweet airs, that give delight and hurt not.
Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments
Will hum about mine ears; and sometime voices
That, if I then had waked after long sleep,
Will make me sleep again; and then in dreaming,
The clouds methought would open, and show riches
Ready to drop upon me, that when I waked
I cried to dream again.

- Caliban from The Tempest

http://pastebin.com/7JzKxwgV
Fixed the spelling errors.

"The child's rain bucket was half-full of rain-water; and the opal-shelled crab slowly circled round the bottom, trying with its weakly legs to climb the steep side; trying again and falling back, and trying again and again."
- Jacob's Room by Virginia Woolf

>>1448269

Anyone take a look at this?

"It is what you read when you don't have to that determines what you will be when you can't help it."
-Oscar Wilde

>>1448429
I'll take a look at yours--I'm going out to eat lunch, but when I get back I'll give you some feedback.

Hemingway on Scott Fitzgerald:

"His talent was as natural as the pattern that was made by the dust on a butterfly's wings. At one time he understood it no more than the butterfly did and he did not know when it was brushed or marred. Later he became conscious of his damaged wings and of their construction and he learned to think and could not fly any more because the love of flight was gone and he could only remember when it had been effortless."

>>1448446

Friendly bump until you get back.

>Enter my work in a non-published, non-literary, contest.
>No way.

>>1448670
is there a list of online writing contests anyone can submit too?

>>1448271
did anyone read my one?

>>1448670
>Enter my work in a non-published, non-literary, contest.
> non-literary, contest

>>1448690
>is there a list of online writing contests anyone can submit too?
>submit too

You guys need to learn to grammar first.

Here's a little summary:
"A man is trapped inside of his own body when a strange infection starts spreading."

http://pastebin.com/vL4itd6f

http://www.amazon.com/registry/wishlist/384Q8ERAKTRT/ref=cm_wl_act_vv?_encoding=UTF8&visitor-vie
w=1&reveal=

Also, I'll read some stories you guys have posted. If any of you have specific things you want me to comment on (plot, characterization, mood, whatever-the-fuck), just post. Otherwise, I guess I'll start from the top.

>>1448697
I read yours and submitted some grammatical suggestions on pastebin. I'm working on a more in-depth response to post here.

>>1448786

>>1448199

Damn. I thought my story had some introspection. Jesus fuck.

The stream of consciousness style of this is done crazy well. And over all, it is simple enough to feel like a person's average thoughts, while being twisted enough (or maybe depressing enough) that I'm enjoying it.

http://pastebin.com/44umXNjN
http://amzn.com/w/3J1J57CY1KF4C

I've been meaning to put together something like this for a few days now, just for practice. Sorry if it's a handful of words over the limit, but I did try to cut it down a bit.

>1,000 word limit
meh. I don't really see this working for me

>>1448697
Alright, so I wrote some responses to specific parts of the piece and I wrote an overall response. Sometimes I mention things out of order, because new ideas occurred to me as I reread sections a few times. I'll post it in a few parts:

>There was a full moon, and it was being struck by meteors, which were causing massive clouds of reddish-brown dust to rise above the moons surface.

Rewrite this in active voice. Example: “a full moon shone in the sky...” You don't need to use “shone,” you could use another verb like “hovered” or “glowed.” The point is, passive voice is usually considered weaker for two reasons. 1) notice how the active voice forces the writing to be more descriptive. In active voice, I must provide an image of the moon "floating" or "hovering" in the dark sky, or the moon "peering" through the dense fog. Also, readers tend to become bored when they read passive voice versus active. I would also change "it was struck by meteors" to "meteors were striking the moon" or better yet “meteors battered the moon” or “continually struck the moon” – or some variation.
(Continued...)

>>1448900
>I walked to an open space beside my house to get a better look at the sky...

“Open space” – be more specific. An open space like a field? What does it look like? What does the house look like, as well? In you whole opening you should be more descriptive to orient the reader in the setting. One thing that I continually wondered as I read the piece is how these places look in the dream compared to how they look in real life. When I dream, often my house or places I know look different in the dreams than in real life. This gives you the opportunity to give the reader insight into the narrator's real life. This insight would give you the opportunity to put more stake in the dream. Currently, the dream doesn't really mean anything to me. But if we knew more about this character's real life, perhaps I could understand why this dream is so important to this narrator—why he or she is choosing to relive this dream by retelling it?
(Continued...)

>>1448903

>Now there were meteorites falling to the earth, thousands of them, barely bigger than grains of sand.

"Barely bigger than grains of sand" – is there something else you could approximate the size to? If they were a little bigger than grains of sand, there might a more apt comparison, particularly since “grains of sand” is used so much it has become a cliché

>I raised my arms, palms facing the brightest moon. In seconds, my hands were covered in space dust. I rubbed some of it together in my hands into a ball and put it into my pocket for safe keeping.

^Perhaps be a tad bit more descriptive here. What does the space dust look like? Feel like? It will help us visualize and understand this unearthly phenomenon.

(Continued)

>Now the meteors were bigger. Several crashed down around me and I looked for cover, but not before grabbing one that small enough to carry.

I became quite confused transitioning from the first segment here to the second. When you begin looking for cover, what did you consider hiding under? This is another opportunity to describe your surroundings: what are the meteors crashing into? What does it sound like? Is the earth shaking?

>Now I was in my aunts house the next day. Her name is Anne, and for some reason she was there with Princess Anne.

I became confused at this point. What happens? I thought for a moment the character had woken up since he/she said “the next day” and usually dreams do not stretch beyond one temporal scene. Who is “Princess Anne?” Also, what is the Aunt's house like? Why are we here? How does this work with what you are trying to do in the story? Also, is it important that your dog was with you at the beginning? The dog is never brought up again and I would imagine she would react to the things that were happening (i.e. the meteors – I know it's a dream, so perhaps the dog vanished, but you should probably address that or cut the dog out if she's not important to the story) – also, does the dog have a name? What kind of dog is it? What does she look like? Specific details like this are what make a story come alive.

>I took a closer look at the space rock. I rubbed away some of its outer coating and could see it was green underneath.

I thought it was a ball of space dust? Perhaps it became a rock in the dream, but this should also be addressed or it might be seen as a continuity error.

>Suddenly, there were dozens of beige-coloured feelers sticking out of it, lifelike and wiggling, feeling the air. It was alive!

^ I liked this moment. Your use of rhythm here is effective. The image popped into my head immediately and was appropriately jarring.

>>1448925

>The rock was a plant now, tall and green with stalks and leaves. I carried it close at all times, this plant was now like a part of me.

I'm not sure how we got from feelers to plant. You might want to describe this transformation. And describe the plant a little more carefully—how does one carry around a plant? Normally we think of plants growing in soil or being in a pot. The case seems different here.

>I decided I should film it, for science, so in my granny's sitting room, I sat there with the plant. The plant had some sort of infra-red camera attached to it now, with a black wire protruding from it, wrapping itself once around its stalks and connecting into its roots. It had appeared there all by itself.
^Does the plant move? Is that why the main character wants to film it? The feelers were described as moving, but you don't describe the plant as moving. In what way does it move? I also found this description a bit confusing. I think a lot of this would be clearer if you described the plant a bit more in the previous paragraph.

>Then, slowly, one branch started to extend towards my face, then another.
10.  In your previous description, the plant has stalks and leaves, not branches. As this is a dream, the plant might be amorphous, but I can't tell if that's the case or if these are simply continuity errors.

Also, note: some of the quotes from your writing include my suggestions for grammatical changes.
(Continued: one last one!)

>>1448935

Often times, it's probably best to avoid writing a story that is solely a dream, but if you want to take on this difficult challenge, the dream needs to be contextualized by details of the character's real life. Otherwise, the dream's significance is not clear and the reader begins to lose interest. Clearly, the beginning lines, “I had the craziest dream” indicate the character is retelling or reliving the dream, so it makes sense for the character to bring in real life details. In fact, I don't know the narrator's gender, age, how he or she looks, their race, where they live... These details help the reader understand the character's unique perspective and experience. I think it's clear that this dream is every important to the narrator. My instinct says it might have to do with loneliness, feeling like an outcast, feeling desperate for a connection with another living being. In that case, I think the dog WOULD be important, but that poses the question: why the plant and not the dog? What is the main character lacking? In writing, stakes are really important. So I would ask yourself, what is at stake here for this character? Maybe take some notes about the character to flesh him or her out to understand what his or her concerns are. Then I would rewrite the piece with these things in mind. That way, you can figure out what details in the dream are important, where the dream should take place, if you need the dog or not, if you should change what happens in the dream, what you should omit, and what you should keep.

This piece isn't all bad, though! I have to say about this piece is that's it's very original. This character has a unique sensibility, and it is possible to take this somewhere if you find what it is that drives this character.

>>1448948
>This piece isn't all bad, though! I have to say about this piece is that's it's very original.
FUUUCK
I meant: What I have to say about this piece is that it's very original. But even that is a shitty sentence. So just "This piece is very original" and omit everything else in that sentence.

>>1448895
That's a funny attitude to have. Particularly since there is no rule that the piece has to be "complete." An entry could even be a section of a novel. Posting a section of a longer work certainly won't against you. Part of being a good writer, anyway, is being able to pare something down to its essentials. In fact, I think this calls for an Ezra Pound quote:

"Use no superfluous word, no adjective which does no reveal something."

>>1448981
OOPS
"Use no superfluous word, no adjective which does not reveal something."

We may also now add, do not forget to spell check.

Alright, I'm in -

http://pastebin.com/4SCL4i5s

http://amzn.com/w/5ME3S47SL74G

You had to start this contest on a weekday, when I have work :(

Get this shit off /lit/, we destroyed the ZINE comic and we'll destroy this contest too.

>>1448984

This is what makes /lit/ so pretentious and faggy. Someone makes a miniscule spelling error and has to repost it straight away before anyone jumps on it. This is shit that doesn't matter.

>>1448868
That's okay. The main point of the word count is so that I'm not overwhelmed by the submissions. That way I can name the winner in a reasonable amount of time. If someone is less than 100 words over, no biggie.

http://wordpress.pastebin.com/2aepN64U

not official, not much good, but whatever, it's anonymous and I'm messing with some new ideas

>>1448996
Actually, my main concern was misrepresenting Mr. Pound.

>>1448709
>herp derp last minute edit

>>1448690
http://www.newpages.com/

>>1449000

I'm sure Mr. Pound is much more concerned with being dead.

Nice trips though.

http://pastebin.com/6GwiXm9D
also I'm a brit, so I get no reward for being the best =(

>>1448957
thanks for the analysis.

>>1449022
I love how u copy-pasted from livejournal mang real smooth

good god

>>1448199
best in thread

>>1448141
http://pastebin.com/J2PQbDea
http://amzn.com/w/1KEBOLIMLOY7K
Seven Gothic Tales

>>1449032
actually no
but you should read my blog it's very entertaining

>>1448269

So no one took a look at this?

>>1449044
It sucks, enjoy

>>1448998
Not awful. At least it's not pretentious shit.

>>1449047

Can you be more specific, please?

“Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.” - Charles Bukowski

http://pastebin.com/WVkQTgE0
bumping with a submission.
http://amzn.com/w/2PVETGOYM8OSF
criticism on grammar and such would help, if you would. I hope you get a laugh.

http://pastebin.com/HEYWQca5

The Rabbit (or A Study in Ambiguity).

Not sure if anybody will like, or appreciate, this. I hope you do, as that would make it worthwhile. Would like to hear any and all opinions.

>>1449306
Please repost this with a trip or a link to your wishlist.
You can make a trip by typing your user name ## password in the Name field.

>>1449395
Alright, will do that when I reupload after tweaking.

>>1448269
See >>1449395

>>1449047

Really?

I thought it was one of the best. Most of the other submissions didn't seem refined enough to me. The scientist may be written in an easier style, but anon at least knew what he was doing.

http://pastebin.com/99YZM0wH
(My wishlist link is in the pastebin)

I have reposted this with a tripcode. Enjoy!

>>1449444
Thank you. Any quick-fix suggestions?

"Something is a little wrong and had better be."
-Maurice by E.M. Forster

>>1449459

sure.
6.
>twitched like a hairy spider
Lose that or think of a different simile - long hair doesn't twitch like spiders. As a matter of fact, rarely does (long) hair twitch at all.
>There were no tell-tale signs of the brilliant light, no indication that the sun would be coming up.
It's a short story and at least to some extent your style relies on suspense. This sentence is unnecessary. If you feel like you absolutely need something like this there, then at least accentuate the darkness instead of making and allusion to light.
14.
>The air smelled of hope, fear, despair, and quiet optimism.
Do this differently. Pick ONE thing and expound upon it if you want me to really smell it in the air. If you want to convey a chaotic atmosphere, you will have to put a lot more work into it. Right now the sentence is lazy and I'm not sure why you have it there.

16.
>The syringe still hung limply from his left arm.

See, this is okay, but I hope you realise that this sentence pretty much completely shapes the whole story, leaving everything and yet very little to interpretation. I would suggest expanding on this thematically a little, maybe towards the end.

Erm. Finally, I would like to know more about the scientist. The scientist's emotions obviously follow a certain logic in terms of intensity, the kind of emotion and the plateaus. It would be nice, though, if you explored the implications, meanings, significance of those emotions in more depth.

All right, I'm in:

http://pastebin.com/Bzekz80G

Wishlist: http://www.amazon.com/Razors-Edge-W-Somerset-Maugham/dp/1400034205/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=129488
1209&sr=8-1

>>1449570
Thank you for your suggestions. I have made some slight changes to the story:

http://pastebin.com/TVjiQV2d

http://pastebin.com/f7Usrys8

http://www.amazon.com/gp/wishlist/3HBQDDI7GT0XV/ref=cm_wl_cp_al_wlown

>>1449580
I like the ending, at least how I read it.

Still waiting on criticism for
http://pastebin.com/WVkQTgE0

I liked Razor's Edge, good book.

http://pastebin.com/iqywfFtY

Im not doing this for a prize. I just want feedback.

Rip me apart.

http://pastebin.com/r5Vq7jKi
http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/11UDA8XR00BXS

>>1449580
...are you trying to write literary fiction?

>>1449580
>dat dialogue

http://pastebin.com/JxU09BRE

>>1449631

read moar

>>1448266
>>1449580
>>1449640

Best ones so far.

http://pastebin.com/KWTb3Lvk
>>1448271
me again

let me know what you think

http://pastebin.com/DGa076fD

>>1449306
I like it. I don't fully understand the metaphor though. I thought perhaps birth or death, but I'm unsure. I guess it is a exercise in ambiguity though, so I tried to keep that in mind.
>It wakes, and realises the somewhere is light. It was light before. Unable to see the light source, it continues forward once more. Hunger's ache and thirst's trip
I don't understand "thirst's trip," unless you're referring to the water dripping down the walls: introduced later.
I like your use of simple sentences and fragments for effect.
Not sure if the bit at the end works. Goes from describing a rabbit to wide sweeping conclusions about the world, feels a bit sudden.

>>1449395
>>1449306
Made the narrative less clumsy, am now happy with it. Probably won't update again unless I get some criticism :).

http://pastebin.com/c89ZmEBQ


http://www.amazon.co.uk/wishlist/3OZ7FOHWENZA3

>>1449580

I enjoyed this greatly!

>>1449718

What does that mean, and how does it relate to my submission?

>>1449749
>>1449700

Please repost your entry with either A) a tripcode or B) a link to your wishlist.

>>1449764
Thanks, I appreciate it. Thirst's trip was a (perhaps pretty bad) metaphor for dizziness and dehydration. Was also trying to get a bit of rhythm in the syntax there. Do you think thirst's spin would be more appropriate?

Appreciate the comment about the end too. It does jar a little but I'm quite fond of it :p

nobody be reading what I wrote

http://pastebin.com/CFMNTuTs
http://amzn.com/w/19ELU0JV8J78C

It's alright if you make fun of my horrible writing, /lit/. It's my gift to you.

Anyone have feedback on >>1449669 ?

Thanks in advance.

http://pastebin.com/5JAss2eq

also check out my dubs

>>1449669
>>1449804

I actually liked your story! I didn't know where it was going at first, but then the end dawned on me and I felt what you were trying to convey. What I can suggest is that you try to limit the description of the rave itself, because right now it reads kinda plainly.

Though I do enjoy the concept, I would suggest you spend a little more words hinting at it throughout the story instead of pulling it out right near the end.

>>1449813

also, would appreciate feedback. Don't care much for a material prize, constructive criticism would suffice.

>>1449676

I just write whatever is enjoyable for me to write. I write stories that would probably constitue as "literary," but I wrote Medicine while sitting in class at one of my college courses. I was bored and wanted to have some fun, so pulled out a sheet of paper and went at it while the professor drawled on about whatever he was drawling on about.

>>1449828

Thank you very much! I agree, but I did that in like an hour and a half, so it does need work. Thanks a bunch for the feedback though!

>>1449663

awaiting criticism

>>1449786
There are a lot of posts here, so it looks like some people are getting lost in the shuffle sometimes when others are reading and responding. If you want to ask people to respond to yours, make sure to point out to them which one you wrote and ask them for feedback. It also helps to ask them what you might particularly want feedback for (grammar, plot, description, word choice, characterization, etc.).

>>1449580
I liked the writing in this one, but I dunno I just felt unsatisfied with the plot. This is a writing contest though so whatever.

>>1449879

I am:
>>1449879

so please, just tell me if you thought it was good. the technical side. it's meant to be silly.

>>1449888
You accidentally linked to my post instead of your writing.

Also, to be clear to everyone, I can't read any official entries until after the cut-off time (I figure it wouldn't be fair for me to judge you by unfinished drafts. It certainly wouldn't be right to give anyone feedback prior to the end of the contest).

But I want to help people get feedback from others wherever possible.

>>1449957
>It certainly wouldn't be right to give anyone feedback prior to the end of the contest
I meant it wouldn't be right FOR ME to give anyone feedback until afterward! That was probably clear from my post, but I'll specify just in case.

I am so excited for this. It has actually got me writing again. Hopefully I can adequately tweak this story before the deadline!

>>1449813
I am not looking to reap the prize out of this contest, so can someone just read my entry and give me some thoughts on it?

>>1449640
Just looking for some criticism.

>>1449813
What game is that screen cap from?

>>1450011
99.99% sure Fallout:New Vegas
.01% Fallout 3

>>1450011
It's New Vegas, that's Boone and a bunch of Deathclaws

>>1450043

100% correct
NOW READ MY PASTEBIN!

http://pastebin.com/LG3rmNg1
http://amzn.com/w/3QGUWLWXZNOXZ

This is something that began as a horror story for /x/, and I hope to eventually expand it into something longer. Please read and comment. I would appreciate ferocious honesty.

>>1450053
>>1450053
Holy. Fucking. Shit.

How Greasy Lake, I fucking LOVE THIS ALSDFJASDLKF. Fuck my pastebin, I vote this guy.

>>1449813
A good show, I enjoyed it, and usually I dont like those kinds of stories. I hope you win.Care to give me some feedback?
I'm >>1449267

http://pastebin.com/anZ0ksAW
http://amzn.com/w/29P5OFRGU7O1K

Suggestions, comments welcome.

>>1449813

1,000 word limit bro. You're at 2,000+

>>1450099

I appreciate that! Any other feedback on the diction?
I'm reading yours now!

>>1449267

Evidently there is not really a plot and it isn't doesn't seem to convey a certain theme... but the diction and descriptive language was relatively well done.
I'd like to see you write something a little more in depth.

>>1450105

Yeah, again, not looking to be eligible for the contest, I just want feedback.

>>1448199
Maybe I'm the only one but I genuinely despise this piece

>>1450125
Erm, why? What particularly about it, or is it just the form/style or..?

>>1450155
I don't mean to single you out (and I've skimmed through more of these since and have had much worse reactions than to yours) and it might just be me but I just can't stand prose like this. I don't have much experience in critique so I can't offer much but some things immediately rub me the wrong way. Couple things that made me cringe.

"When I go to shop, I find it the most transient ethereal experience I’ve ever had the misfortune of achieving."

"my heart made all the more lonely by the lovers in the candlelit window, that beautiful woman with the same taste in music."

I guess it's just...over-wrought. Fantastically over-wrought. It says too little with too much. Sorry if this seems harsh, it's bad in a very benign way as opposed to being shockingly bad. Still, I don't like it.

>>1450162
Oh and I hate this one too >>1450102
I hate it a lot more than yours

>>1450114
I was going on a spin on how everything today is so "deep." I tried to keep it light and funny, but still have an "idea." Also, I was hungry.
Plus, no such thing as too much practice eh? Though truthfully this is my first writing piece, and wanted to try my hand at some narration.

>>1449306
This is the best in the thread by a huge margin

>>1449813

I love the language and the way it's written. Would you ever expand this into a larger work?

2nd try oh well

http://pastebin.com/CqQNEXzN

Do your worst, I need it:

http://pastebin.com/a98LmcJ6

(not a formal submission)

fuckin shit OP are you really going to read all of these? I'd be killing myself LIKE HEMINGWAY LOL

>>1450313
>‘contemporary avant-gardes’,

YOU PUT A COMMA OUTSIDE OF THE OHMYFUCKINGGODYOUAREANAWFUL WRITERLSKDFHKDSH

>>1450319
Too soon bro

>>1450322

Sorry, wrote this a couple of years ago and had terrible punctuation habits then. I just don't do short stories any more, but still wanted to get an opinion.

>>1450337
I was just fucking with you I don't care.

>>1450339

I suspected that, but the punctuation (now that I've properly read it again) IS rather bad.

anyhoo, I'm off to bed, this thread was fun.

>>1450349
Good night and good luck with your writing endeavors good sir.

>>1450319
Well, starting 24 hours from the original post (12:00 PM New York time) tomorrow, I'll start reading all the formal submissions that are around 1,000 words or less!
But as >>1450326 may be indicating, we aren't even halfway through the entry period yet!

For me this is good practice because I'm going to be on the editing team for my college's literary journal starting next semester and Ill probably be involved in choosing pieces to be in the publication.

Plus I'm really glad this has gotten people to write again and give each other feedback. The main reason I decided to hold this contest was to get people writing and editing. Also, I was excited to be exposed to so much brand new literature. Even the newest books are usually originally written at least a year or two before it gets into your hands. Rarely, do we get a chance to read material fresh from a writer's mind. I think, in this way /lit/ may have a LOT of potential.

>>1450360
Interesting coincidence, one of my English teachers recommended I join our college's literary publication magazine/book also. I'm really looking forward to understand how to actually give constructive criticism.

>>1450360
>>1450363 here, back from actually reading your whole post

I signed up with a writing community online and found it was full of 14 year old writers. I had to read a lot of immature (but not without potential) stories in order to get people to actually read my own writing. I've always seen 4chan as a place that gathers some of the most competent and realistic minds amidst the trolls and what not. Other communities on the internet often circle jerk to the older users of those particular message boards and they all revel in their self righteousness and quite frankly, I know it sounds absurd, but the anonymity of 4chan actually brings a sort of humbleness to its users that makes them generally realistic people.

tl;dr contrary to popular belief 4chan has better minds than everywhere else

>>1450360
I read submissions for a literary journal. You learn pretty quickly to only accept pieces that wow the shit out of you. Most things are a "No" by the end of the first page.

http://pastebin.com/9e6LbXDH
http://amzn.com/w/K3BKBX0O95RF

>>1450370
I've been really interested in 4chan as an entity, frankly. For my final in a class regarding contemporary culture, I focused part of my answer on 4chan and how it "interrupts" what the philosopher Debord refers to as The Spectacle (http://www.bopsecrets.org/SI/debord/1.htm <<this is a bit obscure out of context. I had an awesome course with a good selection of films, comics, and books to put it in context) like the Separatists of the 1960s would have wanted it. While most online entities like Facebook are focused on controlling and tracking people, 4chan is the opposite.

I agree that anonymity plays a huge role in what makes it work. That's why I've never used a trip until I made this contest. Even now, posting with a trip feels kind of wrong, but of course I had no other way of hosting something like this than using one. Fortunately, to mix things up, I did post a bit in this thread anonymously (never to give feedback to official entrants, I have my standards!), but anonymity frees you to present ideas and escape being tethered to them. I think there's potential for interesting ideas, movements, maybe even art to come of that--but it's all very chaotic (in a good way!), so who knows. That's the most intriguing part, no one CAN quite know.

>>1450394
Maybe we'll all be in the history books one day.

>>1450397
Isn't the point that, at least for what we're doing now, we won't be?

>>1450409
I hope so. People talk as if literature will never be as good as it was before, as if there will never be a new era of profound literature, but maybe entities like 4chan on the internet will fire up something new again.

>mfw when nobody read my story and it reflects my future as a writer ;_;

>>1450428
It'll only be that way if you're afraid to self promote. I bet your story is just another random pastebin url with an amazon wishlist link below it and nothing else. Direct me to your story good sir, I shall read it.

>>1450428
Man I was just thinking the same thing looolz ;.;

I always thought /lit/ would tear me to pieces, but after reading some of the things here, I'm confident I might be able to compete with something. Hopefully I can make the deadline.

>>1450429
>>1450429

Alrighty, click the one below.
>>1449663
>>1449663
>>1449663
>>1449663
>>1449663

>>1450451
>he said, his voice a high pitched squeal that occasionally caused strangers in his presence to flinch.

I usually don't comment on this kind of stuff but I think you could rewrite this to be a lot less clunky.

>>1450462
Upon reading more, I see there are several sentences like this. What you have to say is good, its just the way you said could be improved. You might want to try writing in the active voice or just shortening some of the sentences in general.

"He regarded the object on the pedestal across the room with a strange intensity, like a starving peasant staring at his last living animal and debating the pros and cons of eating his only source of future income right then and there."

Interesting simile, but it's too long and wordy. I can already see that words like "pros and cons" could probably be replaced with one word that means the same thing. I can't think of one now though.

>>1450464

You didn't read the whole thing yet?

>>1450474
No I stopped, sorry, my attention span for these sort of things are awful :|

I understand how terrible it is when someone only reads part of my story, so I'll finish.

"Soon, I knew, someone would go for wood and discover my dead man, and he would be filled with amazement when he saw that this man had (as it would appear) fought with a log and died."

>>1450481
sauce?

>>1450474
Nope, sorry, I'm just going to be a faget and say that from what I've read you probably have good ideas but they all need to be written better.

Unfortunately for us both I have no idea what else to say to help you improve because even I am not 100% confident in my own writing abilities. Now you've made me look like a fool.

http://pastebin.com/zv6J84CC

Looking for some constructive criticism. I wrote this in rash of inspiration just now.

>>1450482
Soldier of Arete by Gene Wolfe

It's a really odd moment in the whole thing, because Latro seems otherwise sane and sensible throughout.

I've been lurking this thread for a couple of hours now and the untitled story that began with; "like dirty angels" is by far my favourite thus far. Was some of the best writing I've seen today.

This is the worst thing anyone has ever written, but whatever. Please be nice.

http://pastebin.com/Nz8xPwuU

http://www.amazon.com/registry/wishlist/2LE85ERJZJ120/

>>1450497
Haha, second. It kind of shot my inspiration, to be honest, though it's not a fair comparison because what I've got is so radically different in tone and theme. Still, that was pretty explosive stuff. I'm really digging this thread as a whole, though.

This is the worst thing anyone has ever written, but whatever. Please be nice.

http://pastebin.com/Nz8xPwuU

http://www.amazon.com/registry/wishlist/2LE85ERJZJ120/

>>1450538

PS. I would actually really appreciate constructive criticism.

>>1450540

Don't ever write...again. It was really awful. There is nothing you can do to salvage it. Just trash it.

>>1448141
OP when you post your winner could you put your top 5 along with it? I should like the read some of the good ones but I don't have time to read all the thread :(

>>1450322
>my invisible face when you've corrected something that's not even an error
It's like a deconstructionist's shopping list:
>"Baked beans", "White bread", "Milk"...

Critique the shit out of this y'all:
http://pastebin.com/kCuwFQMD

I mostly want to know how readable it is. Like is it engaging, or a chore?

>>1450624
Cute. Very readable, nothing to worry about now. The content isn't something I'd choose to read, if it wasn't a part of this thread, though.
Style seems quite confident, lacking any extravagance - appropriate to the situation. Not bad at all.

>>1450627
everythingwentbetterthanexpected.jpg
Thank you very much.

http://pastebin.com/TVjiQV2d

One final bump with my pastebin before I go; this will be my official submission.

>>1449747
anyone read this?

bump

>>1450485
>No one reads it

>>1450497

Thank you, I appreciate that so much.

ALRIGHT PEOPLE.
EXACTLY 30 MINUTES UNTIL THE CUT OFF!!!

>>1450987
Will the winner be announced in this thread?

http://pastebin.com/8HPxDsZx

***CONTEST CLOSED***

ANY ENTRIES POSTED BELOW THIS POST WILL NOT BE CONSIDERED FOR THE CONTEST.

But of course, people can still post here for general feedback from other /lit/izens.

Due to the sheer number of entries (18 in total!) my goal is to post the winner exactly 48 hours from now (Saturday 12:00 PM EST). If I come up with the winner before that time, I'll post earlier, but I will still update everyone again at that time, so you can count on it.

If the thread is still alive, I'll announce it here. If it dies, I'll have to make a new one to announce the winner.

http://pastebin.com/5JAss2eq

Bumping for criticism.

>>1451041
kind of tldr but I from what I saw from the first couple paragraphs and skimming the dialogue.

It's not very good. Highschool level. The similes and metaphors are tedious. Don't go where you don't have to, describe the scene naturally. It's like adding to many spices to food.

Dialogue is the hardest thing to write and your's just doesn't seem natural. You said they're rednecks? Make them talk like it. Use contractions and some SOME slang.

I'd like someone to tell me what they think about this.
http://pastebin.com/u4KWKPwg

>>1451086
>"There's someone else, my hufflepuff."
>hufflepuff

stopped reading there

>>1451034
Oh shit I thought the deadline was TONIGHT.

Oh well can't be helped.

And now the true garbage of /lit/ comes out. I much prefer my D&E threads.

>>1451086
Fucking brilliant.

Of course I wouldn't judge it under any serious criteria, but I love absurd stories like this with a dramatic tone.

>>1451086
Short and sweet. Funny as hell.

>>1451086
I liked it. More could be made with some revision, but the gist is there.

>>1451086
I think I love you.

>>1451108
>>1451119
>>1451120
Glad you liked it.
I'm all for revisions and enhancings, feel free to constructively criticise.

>>1451136
I dont know how close to the word limit it is, but maybe if you add a bit of length to it and stretch out the ridiculousness of it all.

>>1451136
You could use subtext, imagery and allusion to give it little moments where it's over the top (well, moreso). So Adam cradling his head like a baby could be a possibility. Also, is Adam naked?

>>1451140
As i understand, there is no lower word count limit.
Anyway, i'm neither American nor did i see the thread in time. Nor would i think this could /actually/ ever win anything.

Is "six days after my fourteenth birthday" too much for too little? Should i leave it out?
Same question with the ending: "caressing my hair. A sob escaped me."

>>1451173
It establishes the narrator's character well.

>>1451177
Glad to hear that.

>>1451172
I love it that you thought of him being naked without me stating it; whoa, it's working. It's not wrong not to imagine him like that, but if you did it only helps.

what's there to say any one of them has any clothes?

(please correct any grammatical mistakes i make [iknow,i'llstoptalkingnow])

>>1451086

Good one. Loved that last sentence. Too many adverbs? Anyway, nicely done.

FistBump

http://pastebin.com/1sJGCRiv

Magic everywhere in this bitch.

>>1451086
Absurd done right.

>>1451231
Not so much.

Thanks OP for suggesting this; I'm reading through the submissions right now and am enjoying some of them.

*i was never here*

>>1451086

Deliciously weird.

>>1451086

mfw:

>>1451108
>>1451119
>>1451120
>>1451133
>>1451215
>>1451791
???

You found this brilliant, /lit/? Really?

>>1451923
You didn't?

Thanks Papa Hem. It's awesome you held this. Got me to write something I like. Lookin' forward to hearing the winner on Sat.

>>1451933

Maybe about as good as a couple of other stories posted here, but certainly nothing to drool about. To each his own, I suppose, but I really fail to understand commotion.

>>1451952
It's the last one posted, and doesn't take itself seriously like the rest.

>>1451970
>doesn't take itself seriously like everything else in thread
>>1449267
Could you say what makes this one serious? I'm rereading everything in the thread.

>>1451086
I laughed

>>1452075
If I didn't know better, I would think he was trying to look like he wasn't making any effort in order to distance himself from criticism. In that case, that would be taking oneself seriously.

>>1449669
Did you mean to delete your entry? When I put in the url, paste bin indicates that it was deleted.

>>1449700

2deep4u

With fists emblazoned in gold I thrust my strength against the threads perched above, and thus to the heavens once more did this ink-bathed soil rise.

>>1453329
Better than 90% of these writings

>>1453374

Well I hope I'm in the 10%, because I'm also one of the entrants!

How did this thread bump without anybody posting?

>>1454056
someone post ed and then delete the post

>>1454057
No. It's fucking magnets. Fucking miracles up in this shit.

>>1454064
Who on earth are you talking to?

>>1454075
This thread is get'n spooky

>>1454075
Jinkies!

>>1450784
not sure if awesome or just bland.

>>1454088
I wasn't really into it.

>>1449640
I like the way it moves, in a temporal sense. Lays ground then sketches in detail. Also, good economy of style. Have you explored the idea of adding some plot and making this longer?

bamp for winnery

http://pastebin.com/Jnfg4sPE

Not actually entering, I just like people to belittle my work online.

>>1455223
1. I shrugged “home?” the question hung there
Needs punctuation!

2. then picked up my tattered copy of Burroughs' Naked Lunch from the table top and then
Don't use then twice

3. God knows I didn't want to go back, there was nothing there for me now.
; or . preferably, not a comma

4. and though we never got on,
and, though we never got on,
subordinate clause see?

That's just basic stuff that doesn't quite work. You probably would have picked it all out if you read through it carefully. There are more besides this. Sometimes you run sentences on for too long and stuff.

Otherwise, it feels a bit monotonous. No emotion expressed, no real will implied of the character. Possibly that's your intention - possibly you just haven't developed him properly.

http://pastebin.com/EptkZScN

Fuck it.

>>1455273

People are still posting their writing for fun and giving each other feedback, so feel free to post stuff. However, I noticed you posted your wish list, so I thought I'd let you know the contest ended over 24 hours ago. I'll probably do something like this some point in the future when I have a bit more money, though! So feel free to enter then!

>>1451943
Last reminder to Temple of the Cat to repost your entry! Your pastebin was somehow deleted and I can't access it. If you can repost it, I'll make an exception for you and allow you to post it again, granted you do it by 9:00 PM EST, so that I'll have enough time to consider it against the other entries. I'm making an exception for you because you posted yours before the cut off date and it would really suck if it somehow got deleted without you willing it.

>>1455294
thank you. I never really come to lit. But I'm allways throwing around ideas for writing a novel. Although the older i've gotten the less I've had the initiative to start on something.

care to give any feedback on my attempt at sci-fi action?

Ferocious felines frothed in flame fling their fury forth for fantastical vengeance upon foolish threads of frolicking above so that thy embers remain scalding atop this wasteland, this dungeon, this pungent kaleidoscopic abyss: /lit/

>>1455273
>>1455304

It's definitely an interesting concept, but your delivery muffles it a tad. Though I understand that you want to convey the sense of urgency and danger through these fragmented sentences, take care not to make it too robotic and emotionless.

>And you denote them.
I assume it should read detonate? Just some minor spelling and grammar issues too, but nothing horrible.

I honestly think your idea is too complex to be conveyed through this smidgen of a story. Take the time to really expand upon it where needed, and I think it would turn out much better than it is now. That being said, I enjoy the almost stream-of-consciousness ramblings and self-questions you ask yourself (the reader?) as if talking with yourself.

I hope this helps!

>>1448266
Any criticisms for my piece? All I've seen is one post.

>>1455623

I'm definitely not the best at criticism, but I'll do my best.
Let me start off by saying that you turn a relatively mundane action into a beautiful, almost breathtaking piece of motion poetry. Your prose is very creative and flows very smoothly in my mind, so kudos on that.

Though I can't say I have any "cons" about your piece, I just felt that your last paragraph, although still quite good, lacked the oomph of the other two. However, I realize that you can't really end it any other way.

I realize how useless it is to extol your work without offering suggestions, but I honestly cannot think of anything right now. Great job!

>>1455623
As a slight balance to the glorifying comment above, I shall say a couple of things.

First of all the transition from (the memory of -?) the shop to him being stood before the painting is a bit uncomfortable. It's not a new paragraph, or a new sentence. At first it sounded like he was confident walking in, and then the second he gets inside there's this abstract realisation that he can't relate to any of the colours.

...that’s all he needed to represent, just put all...
Would be smoother as a new sentence.

Finally, the obvious one. This is a problem of style, which is of course subjective. It's purple prose, really extravagant and exaggerated. I know that's how it is intended but it is a little jarring.
The metaphors themselves are quite creative and well worded and the syntax flows well, but in context I'm not fully confident in all of them.

Last paragraph is excellent.

>>1455715
>>1455995
Thanks guys, what I was trying to do was manipulate the sickeningly sweet and addictive beauty of creation in someone who may have never felt it.
It's dirty writing, I make you feel, as opposed to letting you discover it yourself.

http://pastebin.com/9e5NJS2K
Honestly, I'm more interested in critique than I am in any prizes.

http://pastebin.com/MErUDj9t
I don't even know if the contest is over yet but I'm just Posting for critique.

>>1456387
>“[dialogue],” he said mischievous grin steeling his jaw.

I stopped there

stealthbump

As a remedy to life in society I would suggest the big city. Nowadays, it is the only desert within our means.
Albert Camus

>>1456239
If anything, purple prose is necessary for your piece, it makes it what it is. Definitely one of the best ones in the thread. You can't do much with 1000 words, but I think that pieces like yours are the proper way to go about it: stories created from the happenings of a person's mind, rather than between people.

>>1457302
Mm. I think it's perfectly possible to make a strong and meaningful dialogue in 1000 words. I don't think there's a good example of that in this thread though. Even a mundane dialogue could be very effective given appropriate setting.
There is also an allegory or two ITT which I think worked well.

I'm going to be announcing the winner in about ten minutes, but I wanted to go into detail about why I chose this person. But I'll need a bit more time to respond to the entry in detail. Unfortunately, it appears someone has tried to break into my bank account online. I don't think they were successful, but I'm going to try to make sure nothing has happened. (Currently, I can't log in, my bank shut down to lock out the person who was trying to get in--this makes me pretty certain they couldn't get in.) Because of this, I MIGHT have to postpone awarding the prize (but I WILL award it--it just might take a little longer). As I specified in the description here, I am pretty broke (I have about 80 dollars in my account, and my rent is around 400, I literally live pay check to pay check). But I'm pretty sure everything will be cleared up. I have a good bank, and I'll be reimbursed if anything weird happened.

Also, if this was the doing of anyone on here, this WON'T stop me from doing something like this again. So you failed.

>>1457318
Which were those? I haven't gone through every story in the thread yet.

>>1457326
that's the spirit

>>1457326
ALRIGHT good news! My balance is fine!

>>1457340
Fantastic. But one question, is there any hope for those of us who submitted without tripfagging it up?

And this winner is...

http://pastebin.com/f7Usrys8

I will explain my reasoning and respond to this piece in detail--but the whole banking fiasco has put me a bit behind schedule, so bear with me!

>>1457359
The winner did not have a trip. The only stipulation was that you either had to post a trip or your wishlist so I could be sure I was awarding the prize to the proper person.

>>1457360
Good choice.

>>1457360
Could you also post your top 5?
Thanks

>>1457360
Wow, thank you. This is the first time I've ever made any of my writing public.

>>1457360
I would say it's well deserved of winning.

missed that one but its pretty interesting.

>>1457368
this please

Although the winning entry is among the shortest, every single time I reread it, a new layer of depth emerges from beneath the veneer of its dense images. Initially, the precise use of concrete detail for the setting to characterize the narrator and her relationship with her mother caught me. I loved the complex contrast between a daughter at odds with the “flat and polite” lawn her mother wants her to be, who can only make sense of her mother's fake interactions with the men who visit by recreating them as animals. It took me a couple re-readings to see that even the striking contrast the writer creates between these two characters, through the trees the daughter climbs, the lawn the mother keeps, the fruit the daughter wants to eat that her mother merely uses as decoration, is complicated by a need to connect—when the daughter “laughs too”--but for a completely different reason.

(Continued...)

>>1457503
Definitely one of my top picks. Good choice, Op.

>>1457503
Each image and each detail is painstakingly crafted. The trees the narrator longs to climb and the street she longs to run back and forth across (which also indicates ambivalence: the daughter wants to move away from her mother, but also to come back to her) indicate the narrator's desire to be outside and free. Meanwhile, her mother's opposite inclination is implicated not only in taming the lawn, but when she tells the daughter to pick the fruit outside, bring it inside and reduce it to an interior decoration. Her mother is “Cerberus in a pantsuit”—a mythical creature who guards the Styx (here, the sidewalk). The many heads of the Cerberus, the three-headed dog in ancient mythology, only increase our sense of the daughter's ambivalence, implicating the mother's “many heads”: the “fake laugh” she uses in the presence of men and the different person she becomes when there is "a drink in her hand." The fact the narrator is free from her mother's "constant scrutiny” is when she drink is such a dense detail. Not only does this indicate the dramatic shift in her mother's personality when she drinks, but the daughter's acclimated desire, contrary to the natural inclination in children, to be relieved from her mother's attention.

>>1457523
>>1457503
It's a good analysis :p. Would've liked to have won just to see how many of the themes you could've picked out of mine haha.

Good choice, grats to winner.

>>1457523
This was one of the few pieces where the conflict was wholly clear and consistent throughout, implicated from the beginning. Although these are three short paragraphs, by the end we get so much insight into who the daughter and the mother are, and where their personalities chafe. As >>1454286 observed, the
economy of language here is extremely impressive. Of course, I see the piece is not complete. But I specified here >>1448981 that entries need not be
complete. These three paragraphs, however, ARE crafted. I could easily see this text as the opener to a short story—perhaps even a novel. One reason I limited the word count for this contest was to encourage people to scrutinize a smaller segment of their writing and polish it carefully. This writer really epitomizes what I was hoping for: a piece or segment of writing that is polished and crafted to near perfection.

In terms of criticism, I have few things to say:
>“They’ll attract gnats” she explained.

A small error: there should be a comma before the ending quotation marks.

>Mother was Cerberus in a pantsuit and the sidewalk was my Styx; Oh, I played the most elaborate version of the-floor-is-lava!

(Continued)

>>1457535
Oops, ignore my last random green text!
Besides that, the only thing I can say in regards to criticism would that the piece isn't done! Continue where you left off! You've set up a great conflict here, and I don't know how anything of interest could NOT happen between these characters.

I want to respond to other entries in detail, as well! A number of them were strong but could use tweaks or improvements. I chose the word “veneer” to describe the winning writer's images because there is an amount of deceptiveness in writing. You have to be very detailed and specific, but at the same time, if there's no mystery in your story, it will bore you and your readers. Some of the entries I read were very well written in terms of diction and the vibrancy of their images, but because the “message” they were trying to get across was too obvious: I was not intrigued by the end. However, many pieces could have used more specificity and concrete detail—or the writer could have chosen the details a bit more carefully.

I'll respond to a few pieces in detail. The pieces I respond to are not necessarily the best or the worst—they're simply the pieces that I either connected with or failed to connect with on a level that made obvious to me how they could be improved. If this thread dies before I'm able to post them (it'll take some time), I'll make a new thread and post them. Keep an eye out if you're interested.

Also: thank you, everyone who took the time to give feedback to official entrants and others who posted their work. And thank you, everyone who entered! It was a pleasure reading your work!

>>1457368
>>1457469
I might be able to, although it's difficult given that my process wasn't this straight forward. I can say that http://pastebin.com/LG3rmNg1 was the runner up! I'll give your request a bit more thought and get back to you.

>>1457547
I love you!

>>1457372
It's good to read a strong, emerging writer! The style of your piece and the nature of the relationship between the mother and daughter reminded me of Fun Home by Allison Bechdel. It's a memoir in graphic novel form, but it's extremely literary, packed with references from Joyce, Scott Fitzgerald, Greek mythology...list goes on. The relationship between Allison and her distant father reminds me of that between your protagonist and her mother. The classical references and the way you frame the details also really reminds me of the narration in Fun Home (Fun Home contains a lot more narration than most graphic novels). I'd recommend you read that book sometime in the future, particularly if you're going to pursue this piece.

>>1457569
Winner here: I will check out Fun Home.
Also, I am a huge Joyce fan.
This is the opening to a short story I'm writing. It would be done, I'm just struggling to find a solid ending. I'm glad that people enjoyed it because I feel that my style sometimes feels very old fashioned and isn't anything like what pop-lit is today.

>>1457589
Your style is great. Fuck pop-lit.

>>1457547
>the only thing I can say in regards to criticism would that the piece isn't done! Continue where you left off!

Just want to point out that i, for one, don't want it to be longer and think it's done and complete as is.
Congrats to the winner.

Congrats to you too OP for making this happen. How much effort will you put into the rest of this thread now? I mean, would you be willing to share your thoughts on most entries?

>>1457589
I found piece on a blog and I wanted to confirm that you and that person are the same person as it was published there 4 months ago. I'm not accusing you or anything, I just want to double check. I submitted a question about this to the blog. Just respond to me to confirm.

>>1457372
>>1457623
"This is the first time I've ever made any of my writing public."

>>1457623
>>1457623
Yeah its me, hold on I log on and respond.
>>1457631
I dont consider my blog public. I have 1 follower lol.

>>1457623
>>1457623
Where did you send the question? I assume you're talking about The Worm Is Here, right? Nothing in my messages...unless you found it somewhere else. Then I'd be mad.

OP - can't help but notice your top 2 are very similar in style. The one I expected to win didn't make the top 2 :o

Just hope you weren't too subjective in your choosing

>>1457647
That's the one. I just sent the message. I just sent another...

>>1457650
Which one did you expect to win?

>>1457650
How are they similar in style? Elaborate.

>>1457659
the one about the rabbit

>>1457658
Responded

>>1457650
I put submitted the two messages to the "suggestions? - ask me anything"

>>1457663
Thank you!! Confirmed for winner!

By the way, I sent you another email. It's about the prize, so please respond when you get the chance. Thanks!

>>1457660
hang on, it was an intuitive feeling that they were similar. i'll see if my opinion is valid.
thematically, they are both about social relations - particularly social relations gone wrong. they both have an essence of social isolation. they both have childhood memories.
they read as though they could be from the same book, except that the syntax and use of punctuation differs slightly.
though the endings are very different they have a similar style as well. the tone at the end of each is one of melancholy - you're inspired to sadness both by the child's loneliness and the other's feeling that it would be inappropriate to go to the funeral.

you're probably more qualified to comment than me, but that was just the impression i got.

>>1457650
>>1457661
Also, I had my roommate read the entries I was most considering (I guess you could call these the top 5--actually 4), and she gave me her input. She went through the thread and read others she randomly selected. She's a comparative lit major, and while we have similar tastes, we definitely differed in our reactions to some of the other pieces and I took her opinion into consideration.

If you're curious these are the ones I asked her input on:
1. http://pastebin.com/f7Usrys8
2. http://pastebin.com/LG3rmNg1
3. http://pastebin.com/c89ZmEBQ
4. http://pastebin.com/4SCL4i5s

But I wouldn't call these the "top 4" (and this is why I didn't respond to that right away) because I didn't necessarily think all the pieces here were "the best"--some of the pieces got eliminated later on because it took me a few more re-readings and an outside opinion to figure out what it was about those pieces that wasn't working. Reading IS subjective. You can't escape that. But I do have criteria I stick to and some of the pieces I considered seriously I personally would never have written or chosen to read for leisure.

>>1457360
I get a good feeling when I read this, don't know why though.

>>1457678
>>1457690
ah, well it was just behind. we had 2 of the same top 3 at least :)

>>1457650
>choosing
>non-subjective

uhhh okay

>>1457661
>>1457690
Well thanks :p. He's got the right of it in putting those 2 above mine. 9/10 people would probably appreciate those 2 much more than mine.

Still - I would be very interested to hear what either of you have to say (and what your lit major friend thought :)). I think I crammed about 15 themes into it and most of them are barely noticeable.

>>1457725
Oh, an appropriate pic for indentification required.

>>1457547
thanks for this little competition, you should do it again, every week or month maybe, and we (writers or just interested people) could all put a dollar or two towards it for the prize.

Congrats to the winner!

Looks like I have a long way to go to reach that caliber of storytelling...

I'm going on a trip for a day with some friends and family. I'll be back tomorrow to post those in-depth responses! Thanks again everyone!

>>1457741
>>1457741
I like this idea...a lot.

well dat was fun

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
Woody Allen

Appears everybody else left with papa hem

Before I post any responses to the pieces, I'm going to go over Craft terms and tools. This way, even if I don't respond directly to your piece, I'm hoping you guys will get the most out of any suggestions I post here.

First, I'm going to define what a professor of mine refers to as the "Four Tools" of Fiction. Any strong piece of fiction effectively utilizes these methods to convey a story:

1) Concreteness: Otherwise known as concrete detail; the descriptions that appeal to the five senses (taste, touch, smell, sound, sight), ground the reader in the concrete world of the story

Avoid: adverbs (“she said angrily”), abstract adjectives (“he was handsome”), abstractions (“her heart was broken”)

Tips: There are exceptions to the "avoid" list. However, more often than not, adverbs and abstraction often alienate your reader and prevent you as a writer from showing us who a character is the conflicts that plague him/her. Also, using too many adjectives in general is something you want to avoid, as verbs and nouns—a person's tics, their behavior, what they own, what things they wear, what they say—often reveal a lot more about a character.

>>1462450
So never use adverbs or never use them with relation to the characters?

(Continued from >>1462450)
2) Precision: effective use of concrete detail to render the emotional reality of the external and internal realities of a story's character(s). Precise details are not only concrete, but also convey the tone and themes of a story.

Avoid: Overly flowery prose that is detailed for the sake of hearing yourself talk and metaphors and images that do not coincide thematically

Tips: Write your first draft and be as detailed as possible to achieve concreteness, but when you finish, revise thinking about what themes emerge from your work and trim down, omit and/or tweak those descriptions that sound cool but aren't necessary or don't jive with the overall tone of the piece. Precision is determined by your protagonist's priorities, by your priorities: the details you include reveal what is important to the story, what is meaningful to your characters.

>>1462507
>There are exceptions to the "avoid" list.
Never say never! If you notice, the winner used adverbs. Adverbs become problematic in situations where concrete details would reveal more:
Example:
"He acted nervously around her."
Versus...
"Anytime she walked into the office, he'd drum the stack of audits on his desk, or rearrange the bobble head figurines he had lined up behind his computer."

Notice how the moment I omit the adverb, I'm forced to look for details to describe the character. I start to give away details even about the setting because I can't rely on some abstract adverb to gloss over what's going on.

>>1462559
Ah. Good point. Carry on.

>>1462507
But to more directly address your question: yes, usually adverbs are most problematic when using them in relation to characters. Although, even when describing inanimate objects they can prevent you from being more descriptive, too:

"The train passed Debra so quickly that her favorite sun hat came off."

Versus...
"The train roared, screaming past, sending Debra's favorite sun hat into the blue sky."

Or something! These are totally off the cuff examples I'm making up on the spot, but hopefully you see my point: active verbs > adverbs with boring verbs in most cases.

What I'd advise, is don't worry about it as you write. Write as many shitty cliche adverb laden things as you want (I do it ALL the time). It's the revision process when you want to purge your writing of the stale, vague language. When you go back and see an adverb, do an experiment: write that sentence without the adverb. Was it helpful? Was it not? If you realize there's no important detail you're missing after several revisions, the adverb might just be OK.

>>1462621

Expansiveness: Using an economy of language to convey complex themes in a way that is not static or cliché but conveys movement and contradiction.

Avoid: Any events, dialog, or details that do not reveal more than one new, important thing about the character and theme; the expected or cliched version of events

Tips: To achieve expansiveness, you want, as Pound says, not one more word than you need in your story. However, the images, events, and interactions you DO include will be working “double time”--doing more than one thing at once. In the description of the yard at the beginning of the winning piece, for example, we learn about the setting, we learn about the narrator, her mother, and their relationship; the conflict is established, thus establishing plot; and themes begin to implicate themselves. Every detail is carefully chosen and has so many layers of significance that I found new ones with each reading. Further, we encounter the unexpected. There's nothing cliche or static about how the daughter draws the men who visit her mother as animals. This is an unexpected, idiosyncratic that reveals important details about the protagonist's perception.

>>1462749 (Continued! Oops forgot to do this last time...)
Generosity: Complex, humane, and compelling treatment of a story's characters and their interactions with the world and one and other.

Avoid: 2D, stereotypical, and “good” or “bad” characters; reducing a character to an example in a cautionary tale; cliched or 2D portrayal of a character's emotional state; an unsympathetic or, conversely, uncritical portrayal of a character; focusing on an “issue” or "message" as opposed to the characters

Tips: It's hard to be generous if you're a liberal gay democrat writing about a Baptist preacher who protests at an AIDS walk. It's also hard to be generous if you're a college-aged male who ogles hipster girls who wear skull candy headphones writing about a college-aged male who ogles hipster girls who wear skull candy headphones. In both cases, it's difficult to convey the protagonist in a well-rounded way: in the first case, you might just demonize the character or use him as a 2D example in a satire. In the second, you might ignore the faults and nearsightedness of the character. Take the time to full develop your characters. Make them distinct from yourself in the case of overwhelming similarity, or find common ground if you loath the bastard's guts. Look for and create contradictions in your character's ideology, logic, lifestyle, behavior (or amongst these things). Contradiction is at the heart of generosity. It's the doctor who smokes, the priest who molests children, the cultural anthropology major who crosses the street to avoid black people--it's everywhere and in everyone--it doesn't make someone merely laughable or idiotic: it makes them human. Also, as short story writer Kim Edwards states, "Stories aren't about issues, they're about people." Issues can and often are present--just don't like them hijack the story at the expense of character.

>>1462812
I don't even know how to green text. ;_;

>>1462812
Are you gonna address specific entries now?

>>1462838
Be patient, I'm taking notes on this.

>>1462854
>taking notes
>not copying and pasting

lolwut

>>1462862
Semantics, faggot. I mean that I want moar like this
>>1462812
to copy / paste as notes.

so r u a liberal gay democrat or a skull candy wearing hipsta?

Elements of Craft
I'm going to define these elements and talk about how the entries (overall) could have improved in how they incorporated them:

1) Characterization – Using a character's appearance, actions, dialog, and/or thoughts to bring him/her to life

A number of the entries struck me as not being about characters, but being comprised primarily of the writer's thoughts, attitudes and ideas. While writers can and should draw from their own lives in their stories, one must be able to put some distance between one's protagonist and oneself. Some writers helpful to give a protagonist characteristics that are distinct from themselves to create some distance.

Also: practically all the entries could have used more specificity: specific details such as the character(s)' age, gender, race, location, job, wardrobe, memories...the list goes on. These specific details bring a character alive.

2) Dialog – The spoken interactions between characters

I was surprised to find many of the entries didn't even HAVE dialog. Dialog helps convey character, theme, conflict, and can move plot along. The rule of thumb is to only include dialog that does more than one thing at once and that creates some sort of shift in the narrative. Although I find dialog comes easier to me than description, many writers find dialog difficult partially because, to be believable, it must resemble everyday speech, and each character has his/her own way of speaking. Reading widely, noting interesting conversations you encounter can help, and reading your dialog aloud can help.

Continued from: >>1462884

3) Plot – How the sequence of events and their consequences are arranged to show causality in a purposeful and meaningful way.

I eliminated many entries because they weren't stories. Nothing happened. Rather than "story," more accurate terms would include “premise” or “free write” because nothing was driving the narrative to a meaningful conclusion. Virginia Woolf's work is a testament to the fact you can transcend plot, but you need to understand its function and its basics first. Even her experimental work, such as Jacob's Room, which does not have a conventional plot, has its driving conflicts which drive the story through a beginning, middle, and to an end.

The winning entry was not complete, as there were no events that drew it to a conclusion—but the three paragraphs set up a conflict between the mother and daughter that would move the plot forward if the writer were to continue writing. A good exercise might be to take the first paragraph or two of one of your favorite stories and compare it to the first of those in your own piece. You'll notice the conflict is indicated in a solid work of fiction at some level right away. You'll see the beginnings of the threads that run throughout the entire work. Here's another reason revision is important: you'll often have to write a few paragraphs or even pages before you get to the actual conflict in your story.

Well. This is certainly taking longer than I thought!
This will have to be the conclusion of Part 1 of my posts (my arm is cramping up and I have yet to eat dinner!). I'll continue tomorrow. I still have another week before school starts, so I can finish up with these posts and my responses to entries over the next day or two. I'll let you know the four Craft elements I have left: Point of View, Setting, Narrative Time, Theme--so you can post any questions you have about these before I post them tomorrow if you want. Feel free to ask any questions about anything else I've posted. See you tomorrow!

>>1462881
>Yes, I am leaving for the night, but I couldn't resist answering this question
Neither. But I got the impression one of the people who entered my contest was the latter.
>>1462831
You must push "shift" and the key with < on it. Voila green text!
< YAY

>>1462965
SHIT. I FUCKED UP.
I CAN DO IT WITHOUT THINKING, BUT NOT WHEN I THINK TOO MUCH ABOUT IT.
>>> this one, not this one <<<

>>1462965
>But I got the impression one of the people who entered my contest was the latter.

Who? link their story, I'd like to read it

> amidoingitright? >