/lit/ - Literature

I want to kill myself.

Today marks two years of being out of prison and I've finally feel like I've gotten my shit back in order

>>14305029
I don't want to do work but I don't want to sit around doing nothing either.

I hate my indecisiveness. I need to forge forward and just go through with this, but I struggle to put my concerns at ease.

>>14305205
What were you in for?

>>14305170
same

>>14305678
foot-sniffing fiasco on the T. mbta agents were all over me, turns out they were building a case the whole time

>other gender-reveal parties have turned deadly. This past October, a 56-year-old woman in Iowa was killed instantly when she was struck by debris from a gender-reveal device

>>14305029
I want to die. Sentience was a mistake and I wish I was never born. Life is an endless drag of one trial after another. Just end my suffering God please.

>>14305678
2 counts of Assault, possession of a controlled substance and resisting arrest.

>>14305745
must have been a /lit/ party

>>14306024
Basically, I attacked a guy my then gf was cheating on me with. Went home, got extremely drunk and then punched a cop in the face when they came to arrest me in the face. I took a plea deal so I wouldn't get completely fucked by more serious shit that comes with hurting a cop

does thishappen a lot?
only when ive got a poin tto make
hm
so what was the point?
THAT WAS THE POINT
WORDS ARENT REALITY
IF I COULD MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND WITH WORDS I WOULDNT NEED TO INTERACT WITH YOU
MEANING DOESNT LIVE IN FUCKING WORDS
THIS IIISSS THE POINT
STOP FUCKING WAITING FOR ORDER
YOU DONT FUCKING UNDERSTAND SOMEBODY BY WAITING FOR AN EXPLANATION YOU AGREE WITH
FUCKING
INTERPRET
THE INTENTION
BEYOND YOUR HORUZO LIES CHAOS
YOU CANT EXPAND YOUR HOIRZORN WITHOUT ACCEPTING VHAOS
ITS DDDDDEEEEESSSSSIIIIGNNNNEEEEEEDDDD TO BE UNCOMFORTSBLE
THATS THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT

I HATE ART
I HATE DRAWING
I HATE WRITING
I HATE CREATING SHIT
I HATE PHILOSOPHY
I HATE THOUGHTS

THE MIND IS AN OBSESSION WITH ITSELF
WHO ANSWERS YOU WHEN YOU THINK "AM I REAL?"
YOU ARE THE REACTION TO THAT ANSWER AND YOU ARE THAT ANSWER AND YOU ARE THAT QUESTION AND YOU ARE WHATEVER MADE YOU THINK THAT QUESTION AND THATS WHY YOU ARE EVERYTHING AND EVERYTHING IS THE SAME AS NOTHING YOU ARE NOTHING

I was flying back from North Carolina after thanksgiving, not having masturbated at all for the week I was there. My soul was crushed when I found myself seated between an asperger black guy and a little girl, and a 5/10 blonde sat in the window seat in front of me. So close and yet so far. If I had only been placed one row in front I would’ve pushed my leg into hers, spent the flight peacefully / erotically cuddling up next to her, and likely had sex that night.
Instead I sat where I was having very mild sexual tension with a 10 year old girl.

I had my aunt pick me up and give me a ride to my place. My aunt is in her 30’s, is sexually repressed and has never had a boyfriend.

When I was very young, we watched porn together and I masturbated by humping a pillow. When I was in my late teens I came into her room at night and asked if she ‘wanted a massage’ which was a fantasy I had masturbated to involving her. She said no but the next morning she practically sat on my lap and pressed herself into me. I was unaroused at that point though.

Now here we are in her car as I’m getting a ride, and while she’s talking I’m deciding whether or not I should reach over and grab her inner thigh and pussy. Even if she put up resistance, I don’t think she’d reject me. How awkward would it be though? What if she looked bad naked? I didn’t do it, but it’s something I’m still on the fence with.

Guys I think I finally figured it out. For an hour and a half today I was a total fucking chad. I was in my macro class and said fuck it and asked the prof anything that came to my mind no matter how dumb it was. I still have a lot to learn and sometimes my autism shows through the way my voice kinda trembled and how I would fuck up some sentences but I've never participated so much in a class in my entire life ever before even in English classes where I'm objectively better at than everyone but I was asking dumb questions about macroeconomics which I got the worst grade in the whole class in midterm and everyone had to listen to me asking a question in class every 10 minutes. I figure I asked like 7 or 8 questions. 2 people laughed at one of my questions loud but I made eye contact with them and they tried to cover it up. It's just about falsely convincing yourself that you're better and smarter than everyone. I've never felt dumber in my life and a part of me was like wtf are you even doing but it is good to be a chad, lads. I'm only gonna get better from here on out.

>>14306885
stop cooming and you won't have thughts like these

>>14306900
when i was in middle school i was very precocious and i would always get the teachers off on these wild tangents with my retarded questions and everyone thought i was based because i got the teachers so worked up and off track that we ended up not having to do all the work we were supposed to because of the time i wasted lmao. i remember one time specifically where i wasted almost an entire 45 minute class trying to get the half-senile geography teacher to explain to me why rivers don't run out of water

>>14306687
>>14306698
>>14306736
Sip
That boy ain't right

>>14306912
I stopped cooming and I started having those thoughts

Only silence can both save a man and destroy his entire world. This worlds seems to favour the latter. Never before, i feel, was idleness so frowned upon. My whole existence is movement, never contemplation. No joy is allowed if it doesn't consume. When will I get to rest? How to even rest?

>>14307007
you need to go at least 100 days. one week is nothing.

>>14307028
the only time i feel like i can truly rest is when i'm alone inside a church

>>14306945
based. I nitpicked every point the prof made and tried to find mistakes in what she were saying as much as I could. I do feel very self conscious though. I do have a feeling of self hatred and shallowness after it. But I decided to go this route after watching how this dude in my class always be so low confidence, afraid of literally doing or saying anything and people just treating him like shit and making fun of him in front of him not giving a fuck that he is literally there, almost like they consider him below human and I saw a lot of similarities with the way I act so I decided to try and stop my behaviors that resemble him.

>>14307068
if i went to college i would probably get expelled very quickly. i have had, in total, maybe 3-4 weeks of social interaction since i graduated high school 3.5 years ago, and zero interaction in the past 2 years. my ideal of how to behave in a social situation are so fucked up now that at this point i have no inhibitions, but i keep a mask on at work so i don't get fired because i'm not totally insane yet. but if i were in a situation with my peers who couldn't affect my well-being in any meaningful way i would just say whatever popped into m head at any moment, i would probably call a black guy a nigger to his face if the scenario arose where i had to.

my advice: don't be a retard and keep your mask on if you care about your future prosperity.

>>14307120
> don't be a retard and keep your mask on if you care about your future prosperity.

well I don't think going to english class for years being known as "the guy who never says anything" even though my english is better than everybody else is doing me any good for my future prosperity either. I think we're being hard on ourselves. I don't know if you've ever noticed but chads always say the most retarded things but they just say it in a confident way.

>>14307160
its all fun and games until you slip up and spit on a black kid or bully a gay kid to suicide, trust me.

>>14307160
Everybody says retarded things (consider: spergs) and chads say everything in a confident way. Evidently you don't know what to do with information, so I won't tell you either and instead watch on and smirk.

>>14306885
>When I was very young, we watched porn together and I masturbated by humping a pillow. When I was in my late teens I came into her room at night and asked if she ‘wanted a massage’ which was a fantasy I had masturbated to involving her. She said no but the next morning she practically sat on my lap and pressed herself into me. I was unaroused at that point though.
Anon, I think that you aunt may have tried to molest you.

It’s strange falling back into routine life after having a slight mental episode. My life is so mundane and my emotions so guarded that when I was mildly crazy for one month, I felt much more alive. Every emotion was magnified and real. Now I’m back into my routines, no highs, no lows, merely serving time.

I am pretty sure I've found the love of my life, we have some hard times ahead due to finding a job but /lit/ I've never felt this way, 1 year ago i loved her but today I felt something much stronger.
She's visiting some relatives and at a certain point today I snapped and texted her that if it was up to me I would bred her without giving a fuck about anything because I really want to have 10 children with her.
From time to time I feel anxious because 1 of us might have an accident or some illness or whatever.
When I was younger I didn't give a single fuck about anything, now it's so different. I hear the news
about people dying in accident and I think about her and feel the need to tell her how much I love her, but
words aren't enough.
I want to be such a better person /lit/, I want to be the person she deserves to be with.
Call me a faggot or whatever.

>>14305029
I'm definitely just waiting to die. I finally outgrew hope.

>>14307875
>Call me a faggot or whatever.
nah. Good luck anon!

Has this board really gone to shit? It feels that way. Or maybe it's just a shift in perspective.

>>14308048
Always was, is, and shall be.

What books can I read with my future gf? Do women like Goethe? How about Cervantes?

>>14306189
how long was the sentence? and what was the hardest thing about the past two years of getting yourself back together?

>>14308284
books are unisex anon. and yeah everyone ought to love the classics.

>>14307875
you're a faggot but we need your kind of faggotry in the world. wish i had a gf i could feel that way about. i had one once, but i let her go because i didn't love her enough to be with her forever. now i'm a lonely old man who has the opportunity to date younger women but i feel a certainty they'll all be mistakes.

>>14305170
me too

What's the point of all my studies if they alienate me more from others than I already am? Am I just meant to be a hermit, having all this knowledge but no one to share it with?

>>14305745
What a world.

>>14305029
I'm going to go for it.
On the last one of these threads I saw a week or so ago, I talked about a girl I'm in love with and how I was thinking of asking her out. There are logistical problems to do with college separation but they'll by mostly fixed by April. I'm planning to ask her out in a week or so when she gets back.
Thanks for the encouragement and advice anons.

>>14308362
>What's the point of all my studies
An education and a degree.

>>14307875
I hope I can be like this

>>14305745
>Homemade 'pipe bomb' caused accidental death at gender-reveal party

>The Marion County Sheriff’s office said Pamela Kreimeyer died instantly when debris struck her head Saturday before flying another 132 meters (432 feet), and landing in a nearby field in rural Knoxville, about 56km (35 miles) southeast of Des Moines.

>Family members had been experimenting with explosives in the hopes of posting a colourful announcement on social media, authorities said. They welded a metal cylinder to a stand and packed it with gunpowder that they thought would send the coloured baby powder aloft. But authorities say tape covering the top of the cylinder caused it to detonate like a pipe bomb.

http://archive.is/doMmq

I am afraid to post something that feels incredibly personal and someone perhaps catching on to my antics. Something involving meeting some people who I had last spoken to 12 years ago, and lamenting about days gone by.

>>14308460

Not in school. Getting a degree would pervert my studies imo.

Don’t know what to do next this message won’t reach far ama keep it fly

>>14305678
Can I suck your penis

I wish I could just disappear into the woods or the mountains for at least a year.

>>14307875
Faggot

>>14308336
A little over 4 years. Honestly, getting adjusted to my new reality was the hardest part. I had never been in any real trouble as an adult and then I land so much time and a felony. I felt a lot of stigma from my family and friends who viewed my "new" mannerisms and experiences as a side show attraction. I felt that my life was ruined and that there was no point bothering anymore. I was attending college for accounting but the situation has forced me to completely change course to doing stuff I never thought I'd be doing for a living. Its only recently that I feel like I've gotten into the groove of things and that i can still be happy and successful in life.

Most school shooters are young white males because niggers don’t go to school

We are all very lonely.

>>14305029
Okay guys, it's my birthday tomorrow, and if I don't wake up with a loving gf I think I might kill myself

>>14309066
Happy birthday anon. I'm not a girl, but if I could I would make you a nice cake.

>>14307659
Obviously. I’m fine with that

>>14308702
jesus, you got 4 years for beating up someone and punching a cop? that's fucked man

>>14309096
Why didn't you start massaging her while she was on your lap? Missed opportunity.

>>14309109
Welcome to the states. A cop had been killed in my county the week before so I got sucked up into violence against police. But I had other shit, like drugs and the seriousness of the injuries of the guy I attacked.

>>14309066
Even if you had a gf, you wouldn't know what to do with her and she'd leave you anyway. Look at it that way. See? It's not so bad.

>>14305029
i want to be happy

>>14306189
>Basically, I attacked a guy my then gf was cheating on me with.
Never understood teh thought process here. Why not beat up your gf

>>14305029
I want to write better dialogue and exposition. I just want to be better. I feel so weak and worthless. Fuck me

>>14309170
he'd be in jail for life
also it's like blaming your cat for getting out when you should blame the roommate for leaving the door open, women don't have the agency to be blamed for anything

>>14309170
I dont subscribe to stuff like that but my rage was against the guy. He knew she was in a relationship but went for it anyways.

Even going through what I did, I wouldnt have laid a finger on her. Theres many things I'd rather be labelled than a guy who put his hands on a woman.

>>14308653
No

>>14309277
>Theres many things I'd rather be labelled than a guy who put his hands on a woman.
You mean gay?

>>14309185
Not only would I have been looking at more time but harder time at that. There was a guy in my pod that beat up his wife and he didnt exactly have an easy time.

>>14306736
nigger calm down and read the vasishta yoga

>>14309096
Fucking hot ngl

>>14308284
Cervantes is fucking patrician and a shame he isn't discussed in here more

>>14308573
Well if you cannot answer why you're studying you might as well stop because it is a waste of your time

>>14305745
Good.

>>14305552
Same. I see the infinity of potentials, different lives, scenarios, experiences, and in the face of all that I just freeze. Any attempts I do make are feeble and scattered, and time continues to slip away from me. Maybe if I was stronger...

>>14307772
I had the same thing happen to me. I just hope that was a one time thing, and that I'm not actually bipolar :0.

>>14309361
What was prison like?

I want a meaning of my life by reading books but the more i read the more i realize that its only words. It usually doesnt reach my heart and stop in limbo of consciousness.

>>14309468
Read better books. Preferably non fiction/poetry/philosophy. There's only so much good fiction that has relevance to the human condition, and that's why those are the classics. I don't read any fiction that's not at least Dostoevsky/Blood Meridian/Moby Dick tiered these days.

>>14309402

I study to not be as blind as everyone around me.

>>14309509
What do you study?

>>14309513

Mostly philosophy, politics, spirituality and religion. Starting to study more esoteric stuff lately.

>>14309523
What have you come up with? Justify your lack of college degree

>>14309538

I don't have to justify shit to you.

>>14309542
Come one, just a sneak peek? I promise I won't laugh

>>14309551

My realizations are my realizations. You want to know the Truth, do the work yourself. I have no interest in being your or anybody else's teacher.

>>14309463
Long spreads of mind numbing boredom interspersed with violence. Spending months or even years with guys you cant be 100% sure of. The food was shit and if you didnt have someone sending you money you better of had a hustle to get commissary. Privacy doesn't exist. I spent maybe 3 months of the 4 years where I can say I was alone for extended periods of time but that was in solitary.

>>14309482
>There's only so much good fiction that has relevance to the human condition, and that's why those are the classic
like what?

>>14309482
Imagine being this easily amused.

>>14305826
>This post has been removed because its not original

>>14305029
Turns out mental illness and creativity isn't a meme
Recently developed some mental illness where I have stress-induced blackouts during which I still do things but can't remember them afterwards (never bothered to go get a diagnosis after the first checkup where they listed a few possibilities) and after refusing further treatment and throwing myself into writing it's like my creativity has just exploded.
The quality of my writing has gone way up, and the amount I'm producing is so much greater than what I was in the past. I've actually written entire chapters now that I'm still satisfied with even after returning to them and I only have more ideas to build the rest into a finally complete novel which I would actually be proud to put my name on and I actually think people would enjoy reading.
On the down side it severely fucks with the rest of your life though kek

>>14305826
>I want to live. Sentience is amazing and I wish to live fully. Life is a blessing. God.

I just broke up with my gf and im looking forward to watching the new episode of rick and morty

The approaching holidays fill me with dread and melancholy, I dislike everything that highlights how empty and dysfunctional my life is. And nothing says failure as spending all of them in complete solitude. Once, back when I was a student during winter holidays I spend their entirety without saying a single word out loud.

I think I read too much Brecht, because when I read a book, I imagine strange things. I imagine an empty stage, a wooden floor with a chair in the middle, everything else is black emptiness. When I pick up and open my book, the narrator enters the stage and sits down on the chair. When I begin to read, he begins to tell the story - as parents do to their children: if someone in the story says something, he imitates that persons voice; he explains things, leans forward and back, laughs at funny parts.

Thats how I read books now. This is my life. Jane Austen was fun. I got a whole stage show going (a row of chairs with different narrators, though not every character in the books had his own narrator, some where done by the same narrator).

>>14309920
>know that life is a blessing and i should enjoy because its so short
>cannot appreciate it
>become angry at myself
>hate life
>become

Compassion can only defend a small territory. As soon as a person steps outside of compassions border, he becomes an outsider. The death of an outsider is mourned in a shallow way - if at all: the outsider cannot touch our heart. The borderline of compassion is thus defined as the maximum distance between two hearts, after which the death of either party is of little concern to the other. Although it might be somewhat sad to hear of someones distant death, we have to look out for our own people, the citizens of our heart, so that they might not too die so suddenly. One could go so far as to say that the evolutionary purpose of what is happening in the outside world - the spheres beyond our realm of compassion - that the purpose of being able to somewhat relate to strangers, is to reinforce what is inside our own realm - and nothing more: the pain we might feel about an outsiders death is the transfiguration of our fear for demise of our people.

This is the fundamental, biological problem of humanity: that we can see a short distance and then become blind; that the borders of our hearts are fixed and small. And that we have outrun evolution: Our hearts are stuck in the stone age, while messages are send around the earth in the blink of an eye. While our hearts understand the range of a spear, maybe even a bow, maybe, we possess weapons of mass destruction that can hit any place. While our heart can hold a hundred faces, we influence the whole planet.

The domestication of animals was a mistake.

>>14305029
I only go on plebbit for animal communities (a man can allow himself some cute pics), found the most based one today
Imagine a story of their friendship and the day this photo was taken, two happy and fit guys on a prosperous farm belonging to one of their families, the weather is great, and they think it'll be always like that

>>14310173
Happy and fit people with happy and fit animals elevate my soul

>>14310217
:)

>>14310226
you just know :)

>>14310227
Know that you're a cumbrain?

London sucks so much. Full of "woke" bourgeois "socialists" decked out in expensive designer brands and "woke" advertising everywhere. These cunts think they're such good people while passively pricing out the working class out of the city.

Did you know that the arts are dominated by the middle classes? Remember when Ed Sheeren won No 1 Black Artist in 2014?

Did Marx warn about these cunts?

>>14310273
>Remember when Ed Sheeren won No 1 Black Artist in 2014?
He's breaking the green ceiling.

>>14310226
based. you can imagine that dog ate better than many peasants at that time

historybrother's videos are very lit.
p.s. fuck jannie niggers for infringing what's on your mind threads

> the average length from starting to write a novel to publishing it is over a decade
> most likely scenario is that it's completely ignored and you make poverty wages for it
What's the fucking point?

>>14310285
He's not even from London is he?

>>14309761
>I have stress-induced blackouts during which I still do things but can't remember them afterwards
isn't this kind of dangerous?
or at least a warning sign of a severe mental illness?

>>14305170
>>14305717
>>14308356
All you suicide bros should find something else to do, like learn a hobby or craft.

>>14307772
>>14309428

Same. In my case it was triggered by playing around with Weed for the first time. I think I'm done with that.

After much consideration, I have decided to pursue a degree in Political Philosophy and Economics.

My whole life is full of mistakes. I dont have any hope for anything good yet i cannot abandon the hope. I wish i could kill it and descend into full nihilism and misery.

>>14309151
shut the fuck up

it's hard to think when my mind goes blank

that moment u go to mcdonald for burgar and gay cashier says "Oops out of borgar sowwy uwu, we made a tiny little fucky wucky" right then and there your desire for burger bursts from all known bounds of reality, a million incandescent rays of thunder plunge from the unimaginable heights of Mount Olympus upon the poor cashier's Mcdonalds™ branded cap, his every celular tissue, scorched at once à la Kentucky Fried Chicken™. the stained walls of the shack resonate like the body of a nightmarish guitar where a Mcdonalds's store once stood... you pass out.
...
You try to recollect your memories. despite how much you try to remember what happened that faithful morning, all you mind's eye sees is a blur. Over it, Gay Moaning Sounds 2 plays in a broken loop. Such confusion evokes anger, but you stop yourself before erupting. You give up and try to look for your surroundings. You notice some bruises in your arms, at the same time, a pungent smell of frying oil greets your nose. What the hell happened that morning? You shift your gaze behind the window pane of the front passenger's seat. Headlights pass by in pairs on the road, above them streetlights diffuse along the hazy laminated glass. Still too afraid to know who might be at the driver's seat, you turn towards the opposite direction, standing your knees on the sordid seat, with care to avoid sticking them to leftover patches of bubblegum.
Your arms support your body weight on the window. A deluge of tears inundates your vision, and you wish they'd wash away your sorrow— Why am I cryi... I w-wish.. I had went to borger king instead.

I'am just a loser.

>>14311617
what happened?

>>14311686
I was born.

Were sophists the original Jews??

I'm not opposed to materialism (in the commercialist sense) if it's about fine wears and goods. When it's about plastic junk, kitschy knickknacks, chintzy fluff, chicken feed, I resent it for filling the world up with ugliness as capitalism so often does.

I savor and enjoy fine tobaccos, glittering wines, quality fabrics, well-engineered technologies, expertly honed kitchen knives, lustrously polished cutlery, beautifully crafted pens.

As with everything in the world except perhaps oxygen the good and the better is a rarity while the bad and the worse is common. Capitalism, and perhaps human industry if nothing else surrenders to this natural law without a complaint.

>>14311693
Ok edgelord

>>14311702
>wears
wares. Gotta autistically correct myself there.

>>14311693
Does it come from physical inferiority?

I was never good at saying goodbye. Today a girl I was dating for seven months just moved to another city. She's fun, pretty and we had a really good sexual chemistry. I will miss her.

>>14311729
I mean yes but i'am also mentally and temperamentally one as well.

>>14311758
>mentally and temperamentally
in what way?

>>14311772
Passive, underachieving, craven, comformist, unmotivated, melancholic a pushover. I have no real good qualities and the only reason people don't hate me is because they can whatever they want from me.

>>14311827
Do you give in to other people without having your own opinion?

>>14311954
I have an opinion i just don't enforce it and it'a easier to just agree than argue.

Is it easier if I just become relegious? I hate everything about godless people although I'm one of them. I don't know how I kept my morals and "soul". Even some of the relegious people I know don't have them though so I don't know.

What’s even the point of getting a gf if you need to struggle and larp as a normie to do it? It’s by like you can sit back once you have one and go back to arguing about anime on 4chan, you have to keep up the act FOREVER. No, I don’t think it’s worth it at all if you can’t find someone who loves you for who you are.

>>14312542
Not like*

>>14312542
I dont want to have gf because she'll realize that i'm a loser.

>>14311143
Please see I Stand Alone (1998). That's you in 35 years.

What's it like having a nuclear family?

>>14305029
I've been working on my novel for a while, but it just isn't enough. I'm not working hard enough, and my mind is too disperse. Also, I intended to make a character study while tackling some more collective ideas, and all this in a fictional setting of my invention, which had led me to another problem. I initially intended to create a relatively simple world as a background, not taking too much focus, but I've only gotten deeper and deeper into worldbuilding, and so I'm stuck thinking up of fictional names and histories without having gotten even to chapter one.

>>14312682
Thanks for rec.
It's not like i'll ever have a family.

>>14305029
Today I received my 1,918th citation!

>>14312875
This asshole.

I just want to think about last night and her and quietly mull over a few things but my housemates are playing fucking awful music and talking on the phone loudly. I have a pretty long fuse but it's like this nearly all the time they're home and it's gotten to the point where I get irrationally irritated almost immediately whenever I hear any kind of noise because I'm at the end of my tether with it

I can't wait to get out of here but it's not possible this side of christmas and I don't know how long it's going to take after that

I keep telling myself it's not going to be like this for long and I should ride it out but fuck man it's getting me down

>>14308448
I was lurking in that thread. good on you anon, thanks for getting back to us

Bizarre dreams plague my nights

Can too much introspection lead to fear of life?

>>14309983
Eh you can still have fun alone on holidays. Last year I've spend alone, drinking wine, listening to music and chatting with people online. It was a pretty good time. Not ideal, but you gotta try to do the best of your situation, you know.

>>14310142
Beautiful.

I saw this add for this website
https://equalitycantwait.evoke.org/about

Equality Can't Wait, about gender equality for women. It's sponsored by Melinda Gates. I could only I could only take in and savor the delicious double irony. Talk of equality from a multibillionaire woman whose only notability comes from marrying a rich man!

>>14312542
I know it's hard to believe, but not all girls are normies and even uf you dated one that is, if she's with you (that mean she likes you etc) and you are not fucking autist, she will listen to your bullshit about anime and try to engage in conversation. Stop coping and go find a girl, if you really want. It's not that hard too.

>>14312542
Just date a weirdo.

>>14306189
>attacking the guy who didnt do anything as proxy for your gf who cheated on you

>>14313645
How do I find one?

>>14313723
Hang out with a group of weirdos. Try and avoid the ones who do drugs though. They're no fun.

looking for some help with finding an English word or term
theres a phrase in Chinese that literally translates to "to brush by the shoulder." its used to describe situations or circumstances where two things come close, but dont quite make it.
>"so close, and yet so far"
this one doesnt quite capture that feeling, because it implies someone aiming for something, and falling short (and a lamenting of that). the feeling im describing also entails situations such as a person who unknowingly throws away a trash bag of cash. this doesnt necessarily have a lament component. its more like "it is what it is."
>"near miss"
this one also doesnt quite fit because its usually used for a close call regarding something bad. like almost getting hit by a ball.
somebody pls, halp

>>14313745
How do I find a group of weirdos? Assume I’m not in college so I can’t just go join an anime appreciation society or something.

>started going to the gym
>gonna get /fit//lit/
>working on systematically improving all aspects of my life
feels good man

>>14312542
i'd rather be single than be in an unhappy relationship with someone i don't get on with very well.
if i don't get on with most people, and therefore most girls, then i have two choices. i can wait a little longer for """love""" than most people or i can live a lie, and i know which one i'd rather do.

>>14314477
Best wishes and good luck, anon!

The things you think determine the quality of your mind.

general_lit discord

https://discord.gg/wncDGcp

>>14305170
based

I've accepted the fact that I'm retarded.
I have a confirmed IQ of 92.

>>14314477
what program are you following?

>don't wanna have children so they don't suffer like me
>see anti-natalists talk
>ew.jpg
>maybe one kid then
>nothing I want from life
>don't want to go through it for nothing
>see nihilsts talk
>must do something
But I still don't know what and I don't know if this will motivate me enough to do anything. Probably will stop halfway as usual

>>14314995
its okay. its just a number. dont let it get to you too much.

>>14310946
Or jerk in a circle before jumping the cliff.

Sometimes when I'm angry at my boss and he talks to me like my dad did, I'll scream on the drive home until my voice is hoarse.

I paid a cute girl 15 dollars to take a picture with me so I could convince my coworkers I have a girlfriend

I'm writing a fantasy romance novel. I'm only previously written short romance stories.

I was sexually abused by my dad until I was around 16 and my mom and I moved to another state

>>14315179
>this dude sounds like m-
>I was sexually abused by my dad until I was around 16
nigga wut

stupid fuck retard ass bitch retard calf implant cumtown 4chan meme kek idiot retard self-conscious penis sexual problems psychosexual problems fetish insecurity self-consciousness little man syndrome crack addict schizo fuck you retard

>>14315221
jealous of others jealous of others envious uncomfortable with myself uncomfortable with myse.lf

sometimes i want to go full on crazy just so i can end this ride in artistic glory. i must be a masochist to want some kind of fucking crazy hell trip. god damn i am falling down a hole! i wonder what will happen to me if i stay relatively sober through the process (i rarely drink or smoke weed; i did adderall for the first time in over a year yesterday, though, and this comedown is shit). i gotta get a good sense of humor or something, because man i just want to live, but i also want to die and i also want to go full-on nuts. i want liberation from my ego, i want happiness, and i also want to live in reality. i gotta choose one thing, but right now in this very moment i want insanity; i want my brain to blast open, but i don't want it from drugs. it's gotta be psychosis.

In reality, he just wants an escape, or so he believes. He just isn't comfortable with himself; he never has been, to tell you the truth. His brother is dead and suffered from the same problems. It's probably why he killed himself.

When is he going to evolve? He's got to keep trying. He's got to hold on and keep trying.

>>14310732
>Your arms support your body weight on the window. A deluge of tears inundates your vision, and you wish they'd wash away your sorrow— Why am I cryi... I w-wish.. I had went to borger king instead.

good story

>>14308545
just do it.

On my days off I don't know what to do. Today I wandered through the woods in Mill Neck. The ground was covered with dead leaves and it was about 40 degrees. I was tempted to lie down on a declivity at the edge of the preserve, but I was afraid someone might see me. I wanted to lie across the ground like one of the fallen oak trees, whose roots were ripped from the ground. If the oak has fallen across a footpath, some workers will cut out the portion of the tree that crosses the path. Otherwise the trees are left to lie where they fell.

I cannot imagine anything more cucked than having a younger sister. Think about logically. You are raising a girl to get fucked and stolen away by some man. One day you're having a great time playing with her and thinking how cute and adorable she is then the next she's fucking some guy in the room next to yours and you can hear her moaning. The next day she acts like everything is normal but you know that she's having primal, sweaty sex regularly and her innocence is completely gone and there's nothing you can do that will ever get it back.
Even if you ever did find her attractive, even if she's perfect the taboo holds you back and you can never act upon your feelings because not only will she reject you in disgust but so will the rest of society, shunning you and marking you as a freak forever.

>>14305170
same

'Katie loves classic books'

lighters of coincidences
across a worldspace
Who?
more as they
they are the world and those being in the world
Commune withem
their minds drip-dropping into the pool of soup
Your soup
Of little-box-word-people

>>14314193
"pass each other like ships in the night"

I bought kratom to help with anxiety for class presentations and it's pretty nice. It makes all of my anxiety fade away. The problem is, I end up crying because of how nice my family is, and how much I enjoy reading the things I read. Then the next day I end up crying because I'm an absolute idiot, and I can't even talk to my family any more. It's kind of strange.

>>14315709
Every time I see an anon post about how he is crying, I just want to give them a cuddle and wipe the tears away for him.

Is that bad

>>14305029
I'm never going to make it exactly like I wanted, but maybe there's a way otherwise? All I want is to show up at some award show or tv wearing a mask like Yoko Taro.

>>14315693
THANK YOU
do you know if theres a shorter term/name tho?
>X's life was full of pass each other like ships in the night moments
doesnt quite roll off the tongue

>Darius became the most powerful ever king of Persia because he made his horse horny
what did the gods mean by this?

>>14309761
Based as fuck. Embrace your insanity and go nuclear.

Kill all Nazis.

>>14316577
But anon ww2 ended 74 years ago

A cockroach was lying on its back for the past three hours, dying. I kept thinking about the bug spray and finally decided to end its suffering. But when I sprayed the poison onto its face, the burst of air flipped it back on its legs and it crawled on into the dark corridor. I wondered if I'd ever see that cockroach again by morning.

>>14316649
It really didn't.

>>14309761
based schizo
> write something in delirious state
> find it a month later
> great to read and the pleasure is not spoiled by memories of writing it by yourself
endgame would be forcing your second personality / blackout self to write new stories specifically for you

>>14308662
Why not anon, maybe find a job where you can work in the woods if thats what you want to do.

>>14309066
I'll be your gf anon

>>14310273
London is a cesspool and you're better off avoiding it.
Go north anon.

>>14311143
Life is there to make mistakes and to learn from those mistakes.
Eventually you'll become smart enough to avoid those mistakes.

>>14312542
Dont get a normie girlfriend if you have to be someone you're not in order to keep her interested.
Having someone that is like you will make it easier on the both of you to stay together.
If there are girls on /r9k/ then there are girls on /lit/.

>>14312702
Peaceful

>>14312731
Tolkien made a biblical history of his setting and a fully functioning fictional language before even making a story.
Just make progress and you'll do fine.

>>14313317
Write them down and make stories from them, maybe one will be your breakthrough.

>>14314995
IQ tests only test certain things and are most certainly not an end all solution, I strongly believe that people are all made equal but their strengths and weaknesses are balanced differently in some ways.

>>14315020
Try and have a kid anon, some people told me their life finally seemed to make sense after they had their first child.

>>14315179
I hope your novel works out for you anon.

>>14315836
Same my dude, working on making a visual novel right now.
Big dream is a console release but even just a pc release will do me fine.

>>14317826
>avoid those mistakes.
i'll just retreat from life.

>>14317975
there is no escape from life

> enjoy buying aliexpress stationery
> some arrived today
> i'm satisfied with it
life's good

Do books actually help?

>>14318339
Doing something helps. It's the ONLY thing that helps. No book, self help guru, or psychiatrist will be there to hold your hand 24/7. I learned it the hard way, anon. Use whatever you can to get something going (put up a hang in there! poster, listen to all the feel-good stories on youtube or fuck traps) but don't expect anyone to stick with you along the way.

>>14318355
Yeah, i dont expect for it to do all the work but rather inspire to start doing it myself like unblocking caved-in passage in endless maze

>>14318367
Not exactly a book, but Jodorowsky's Dune is a documentary film about a weirdo chilean filmmaker and how he brought together some of the biggest artist of the 70s to try and make a Dune film before Star Wars was even a thing. Every time i watch it I want to sit down and do something, you can try and check that out.

>>14318402
>Jodorowsky's Dune
Wasnt that the one who was supposed to be 6-7hours long? Anywho maybe i'm asking too much from books.

>>14318458
He would have made it 40 hours if he could, as i said: a bit of a weirdo.

bump

Thinking back the first sign things were going to turn out they way they did was when in the first year of college all my high school friends, even the nerdy weird ones, were out partying and getting laid and joining clubs, meanwhile it took me two and a half months to muster the courage to go on a walk more than a couple blocks away from campus.

>>14315179
I like you anon, can we be friends?

I'm destroying my soul and I don't know why I can't stop

I'm increasingly convinced that conservative secular Republicanism with limited franchise is the ultimate goal of politics.

I'm pretty sure I'm not a tranny now. Thought about it for years and heavily considered changing my sex, now I'm absolutely sure I'm not going to. Feels weird to not worry about this anymore

>>14319779
Any theories on why you wanted to be a girl? What made you change your mind?

I've been dating a girl for 4 months now. Good friends going on 10 years now. We're moving in with each other in December. She's the one for me /lit/. We've talked about marriage and I know I could spend the rest of my life with her.

She has a genetic disorder that will kill her by the time she's 30 and I don't know how I'm going to cope.

>>14320039
Sad. Someone I knew vaguely in college married his girlfriend, who was dying of some terminal cancer. Became a widower at 25 or so. I’m sure that she was happy to have gotten to marry him before she died. But he must have been devastated.

>>14320019
Kind of an autogynephilia/grass is greener on the otherside kind of thing, plus a preference for feminine Aesthetics and an unfulfilled hildhood desire to crossdress. I didn't have any experience with girls do I tried to be my own GF. It wasn't necessarily a bad experience, I learned a lot about myself and my relationship to the world, I finally gave myself permission to take care of my body and care about my looks, to feel whatever emotions I had and to accept them without judgement. It's been a long journey for me, and getting to the end feels kind of anticlimactic. I'm a much more balanced and stronger person for going through that phase. It's like I fully integrated my anima or something like that.

(Plus, I'm pretty much an expert on trans issues now, I'm not sure if that's going to be useful to me in the future, but I have a feeling it will)

My father once taught me that hate was a strong word. I shouldn’t use it so carelessly. Ever since then, I can count on one hand the number of things I’ve described with hate.

I once tried to pick a fight with an early 30s homeless man. He may have instigated the conflict, but it was nothing more than a thrown banana peel that landed by my feet. And yet I wanted to fight him. I wanted to pummel him in with my fist. I wanted an outlet for the virulent hatred and anger that seeped through my veins. Most of all, I wanted him to fight him. Fight me. Do something about it and fight me. Here I am, humiliating you as a man. Viewing you as subhuman scum. Calling you a dog. Hit me. Stand up and bash my head in. Let the poison exit through my wounds.
He backed down.

How can I possess such utter hatred for the downtrodden? For the losers, the incels, the homeless. The marginalized, the outcasts, the freaks. I hate how powerless they are. The lack of fortitude necessary to rise from the abyss. The utterly pitiful lives that they lead. Their sheer non-existence. I hated how weak they were. And most of all, I hated how much I was like them.

I went to buy lunch during my meal break, and on the way I saw a mother and a son sitting outside the store. They were begging for money. They had clearly fallen on tough times. As I shuffled through isles, I picked up the cheapest meal I could fine. Suddenly I also grabbed a set of cooked chicken. The chicken cost more than my measly lunch. I paid, left the store, knelt down and handed the chicken to the little boy. “Are you hungry?” I asked him, ignoring the mother. The child nodded without looking me in the eyes.
“What do you like to eat?” The boy looked to his mother.
“Come, let’s pick something that you like.” The mother told him to go on. I held the boy’s hand, lead him into the store, and we left with some fries and bread. “You can go inside and eat, you know. I paid for it. They will offer you their seats.” He still wouldn’t look at me. The mother said it was fine, thanked me for my generosity, and told the boy to eat. I left without ever acknowledging the mother.
How could I not extend my hand to a young child in need? I couldn’t help but feel the love for another well up inside me. It erupted with such sheer force that I instinctively grabbed another meal. How could I not love someone who reminded me so much of me. How could I not love the downtrodden, the hungry, the lost. They are me, and I am them.

How could I hate the mother but love the boy? How could spare a cigarette and genuine human affection to an old homeless man and yet hate a younger one? How can you hate and love something at the same time? How is it that I love and hate myself? These paradoxical threads, so twisted and intertwined that you could not separate them, bind to my core. And it is slowly chipping away at my sanity.

I can count on one hand the number of things I’ve described with hate. I hate myself.

>>14320176
>plus a preference for feminine Aesthetics and an unfulfilled hildhood desire to crossdress.
I enjoy those things too, but I don't think that I've had any desire to be a girl. I just embraced being an effeminate boy.

>>14320939
I never had the opportunity to be that, so I repressed those parts of my self for a long time. Even developed TOCD during middle school and had a nervous breakdown. Letting me wear a dress as a kid would have saved my parents thousands in psychiatrist costs

Oh God, I'm going to see her in less than an hour. My heart is sinking at the thought. Just seeing her, much less having sex with her. I have work tomorrow. I hope I don't have to fight someone during my jog. Worst of all the internet goes out at midnight. I hope Ergo Proxy is done torrenting by the time it does. I don't want to be stuck with nothing but folder upon folder of French postmodern pdf's these next lean months before my deployment.

>>14320176
> Kind of an autogynephilia/grass is greener on the otherside kind of thing
> Plus, I'm pretty much an expert on trans issues now
get off /lgbt/

>>14320986
Yeah probably, I'm a pretty popular tripfag on there

>>14320913
Such is the life we are doomed to live. We have to pay for our sins, the sins of our parents and even the sins of our unborn children.
We can't really hate anyone because we can only hate ourselves. The corollary: we can't love anyone because we can't even love ourselves.
How is your relationship with your father and other male figures in your life? I've found those are the root of this dilemma, at least for myself.

>>14321066
i have a dysfunctional relationship with all my family members, including my father and younger brother. but name me a family that doesnt have some dysfunction in it.
the root of my dilemma lies within me. the failures of my life stem from my own shortcomings and poor decisions. i sometimes delude myself into an irrational rage aimed at the world. this mystical "you" that is the source of my sorrows. this vague system that is the root of my ills.
but i know there is no one more worthy of blame than myself.
the key to my salvation lies within me. it is i that needs to take the first step. and yet my feet lay paralyzed.

>>14320946
Sorry, anon. How are you holding up now? Have you found a way to 'express yourself'?

>>14321121
And yet, salvation may never come. There might be some months where I feel like I've solved the situation, but I always return to the same point. How can there be anything other than this life? How can you conceive another life? How can you pick up the broken pieces?

>>14321127
Not yet, nothing I'm happy with. I just feel disillusioned with the whole concept of proscriptive gender roles, I just want to surround myself with *real* people I can be honest with. Gender relations and identity are like a fog that envelopes most of humanity, it's hard to see through and even harder to see for itself. I feel like I, among few others have gotten a good look at it, and can see it with a clearer perspective.

>>14306961
He is tho

I feel like I'm beginning to mature and become more productive as a person. That said, with that, there also comes the realization that I've probably been a lazy piece of shit. I've been talking about how much I've wanted to become a writer for years now but have barely written anything since, though I do genuinely like to write and have written before.

I'm also a virgin in my late 20's and I'm starting to get over that now. Meh, fuck women, they're annoying and when it happens, it'll happen anyway. I'm also a NEET at the moment, which I have very mixed feelings about. Really want a new job so I can start making money again but I fucking hate working service industry.

>>14305029
i love franz marc so much

>>14309761
The virgin medical treatment vs. the chad embrace

>>14317010
Absolutely incredible.
Let him go, he's earned it.

>>14305029
Life would be easier if people who were objectively correct were listened to more.

But it's not that way, and I hate it.

>>14309566
Why not just request solitary and books? Ez life.

>>14309559
Just be a hermit then and quit whining.
Of course you'll have to ignore your biological imperatives like breeding and socialization.

Im reading poetry and it feels like im not emotional enough to appreciate it on a deeper level. Every word goes flat.

>>14305029
I wonder how neoreactionaries reconcile the fact that
a) much of their thinking on incentives, etc, aligns with public choice theory and its descendant: new public management
b) the consequence of public choice theory has been to empower the cathedral more, not less.
i'm not really well read enough in nrx to find the answer for myself, but i've been dwelling on Moldbug commenting on the academic who mentioned that most of their job is "manipulating procedural outcomes". Rather than seeing it as some kind of corruption of a good system, my interpretation of history is that there was less procedure and thus less procedural outcomes to manipulate before public choice theory got big and decided that what universities, hospitals, etc, need is a big bloated management structure to provide incentives for people to do the jobs they were doing anyway, since a rational self interested individual would obviously just sleep on the job all day given the chance. slap that management structure on top and bang, you've made it so that they've gotta manipulate procedural outcomes to get anything done since the formal process is a convoluted mess that makes Soviet Gosplan look like a model of anti-bureaucratic idealism.
Mark Fisher and Adam Curtis give a lot of examples of the kind of thing i'm thinking of. Teacher who've got to create pointless lesson plans they know they won't stick to just to appease uni bureaucracy, cops reclassifying crimes as "suspicious incidents" because the government has given them impossible targets but no money, the ridiculous management structure of NHS England (ridiculous not just compared to other healthcare systems, but even compared to NHS Scotland.), they all result from taking a view of human incentives that simply does not work when applied to the public sector. Even if you assume that public choice theory itself is all fine and good the transition from theory to practice has been a complete farce. One could almost suspect that somewhere along the line procedural outcomes were manipulated by an anti-statist in order to make the state more inefficient.

I've sort of rambled off topic so I'll finish. I'm not saying the gap between sympathy to public choice theory ideas and their results is a problem with neoreactionary ends (although abysmal management structures seem to be seeping out of the public sector and poisoning the private sector too, ironic given the original idea was to make public sector management more like private sector management) but it might be a gap in their historical analysis. or maybe it's well addressed and i've just been too lazy to read it.

>>14305029
Self improvement only increases the chance of winning, it does NOT help coping with failure, and that monumentally sucks.

>>14322339
failure is part of self improvement and not an end. Failure isn't half bad it really sucks but after a week its fine. We are all going to make it:)

Stop taunting my dreamscape. The day is mine.

Premature ejaculation is an important evolutionary advantage.

>>14322620
So you have more time to do other things?

>>14322629
I'm thinking more about a very long time ago, lie our distant ancestors. Imagine a more dangerous environment where those moments you are engaged in having sex makes you both very vulnerable to threats and predators. If you ejaculate in 30 seconds you can go on with your day but if it takes 10 minutes you are focused on that for quite a while.

> mfw gonna make it
not 125 like initially planned, but for every achievement its time. brothers, gather your courage and will to step into the twenties a fulfilled certain man. don't wait til holidays, new monday or a new year, you'd wait to death this way.
start right now.

I don't want a GF right now. I gotta work out and bulk up before getting a white trad catholic virgin GF.

I think very little of gay men and I am one. And I'm not self hating, as I have no problem with my own homosexuality. I'm just convinced that the average gay man is a dishonorable, cowardly, shallow and meaningless pseudo-man. They lack most traits that make men admirable. Their rampant embrace of consumerism, anti-intellectualism, and empty culture alienates and estranges me. I imagine this is how many straight men feel about women; if they weren't attracted to them they would be dispensed with entirely ("can't live with, can't live without").

>>14322732
>white trad catholic virgin GF.
Better hurry. There's all but three of them remaining.

>>14322745
Are you one of them?

>>14322739
> the average human is a dishonorable, cowardly, shallow and meaningless pseudo-man.
ftfy. majority is vile in every vast group. look for the rightful ones.

>>14322739
>tfw no qt /lit/ bf

>>14322713
I started learning Russian recently.
Will I ever have to bother with script?
I always write in script, but the Russian script looks like a bitch. It also hides the "fancy" cyrillic letters which I don't like.

>>14322739
None of the gay men I know are like that and I know quite a lot of them.
Maybe you should try hanging around with different people, it seem to affect your perception of the world in a bad way.

>>14305170
Do It faggot you wont

>>14322827
>>>/b/

>>14322808
do you mean print vs cursive handwriting? my handwriting is not what they teach at schools, I also don't like the "classic" cursive. you can adjust the letters and make your own font, as long as it's eligible.

>>14309277
Actually your right

>>14322845
Oh yeah I definitely meant cursive, no idea why I said script.
That's what I do in other languages, my natural writing is actually a mix of print and cursive. I was just wondering in general if "classic" Russian cursive is used a lot. I have to guess so since it's so much faster to write.

>>14322850
many people have chicken shit handwriting. you're good.

>>14322732
Based

>>14305029
https://discord.gg/5K6hxF9

It's strange how people who were historically beaten as children can compel ardent pacifists to curb-stomp them. Once they're out, they somehow find their way back to that exact situation.

What I'd like to ask religions of the world is how does one deal with regressive trauma? Every religion and ideology speaks to a traumatized individual who is self-aware. What about the traumatized fucks who aren't self-aware? What do we do with them other than kill them out of sheer frustration?

this faggy font is pleasant to write in, but I don't like the basic bitch quotes

https://youtu.be/jEcdle5_AGE
> 12 dead horses in the barn
Bros, things like this make my faith even stronger, for animal abusers cannot possibly not end up in Hell.

>>14321846
At least where I was, they made solitary as unpleasant as possible to deter that. At first I did not know that you could request a copy of your religious text. Even with a bible it was not for me. That's not to say that I did not know guys who would try to go there for some time off. But I couldnt spend 23 hours a day in a closet with my only interactions being yelling through doors and getting worse than usual food thrown at me 3 times a day.

>>14307875
>tfw just at the beginning of this
god it's so wonderful isn't it? happy for you man

pornhub /view_video.php?viewkey=ph581225c2bf0f3
I'm such a fucking miserable loser. I'm gonna die a KHHV

>>14324120
I have to admit that the video you posted is very pathetic.

>>14314477
fuck yeah good for you man

I just finished a terrible semester, while my friends were doing their assignments, I spent most of my free time in this board waiting for interesting threads that never appeared.

What's the point of modern education? 90% of students are either paying attention to their phones or daydreaming about life outside their prison, which we refer as University. I see nothing but talking heads inside the campus, with misery being reflected on their innocent faces, with hopes of becoming someone in life.
I'm also incredibly horny most of the time; How a young man must concentrate if he is surrounded by semen demons who resemble erotic Greek statues molded by Gods from the Olympus?

How is the internet affecting my thinking, it's really disjointed and gooey like a soup.
Later I might sit down, and the elements calm down, maybe some fit together, mostly what remain is fog.
Selective usage is the key, and knowing what to do before you use it.

>>14305029
>ending the semester screening an anthropological documentary I directed and edited for two years
>surrounded by fellow students, good friends, family, and a new gf

So, is this what it's like to be a normie? Is this happiness or fulfillment? Is what we call happiness actually just a spectrum of need-fulfillment and emotional satisfaction in our work and relationships?

>>14324371
Yes.

>>14324371
You should consider suicide this very night, end it on the highest not you'll ever reach.

>>14324401
>You should consider suicide this very night, end it on the highest not you'll ever reach.
What a detestable immoral act. Shame. SHAME! Find another site to sully, you evil coward.

>>14324407
based pope poster

I'm working on a shitpost that suggests R. D. Laing is Artie Lange but the gag is mostly phonetic and it won't be funny without Artie's fucked up face so I don't know how to format it.

>>14324366
too much information

My therapist suggested I sink my heels into writing music. She said she can feel the enthusiasm that surrounds me when I talk about my favourite bands, which is true, which I can too and which becomes more apparent to me during our sessions. Just today I was telling her about my travels around Europe to see some of my favourites that wouldn't come to my country or city, or I would mention places I like because of their music scene. We talked about the instruments I play and she was all very into it.
And I would like to write music, good music. It's a neat way to combine my passion for writing with another medium. But I feel so helpless when it comes to making my own music. Suddenly I feel I can't play my instruments well, or I can't form a good melody, or harmony. Writing lyrics is the easiest part, making an actual song out of it seems near impossible. It's funny how with modern inventions it's so easy to upload a song to share with the world; how it reaches an audience in a different way than a text, a more accessible way, it seems to me. I could record a song in a couple minutes to put out there, and maybe I should, but really, I want to produce gold.

>>14324379
>>14324401
>>14324407
It’s a strange feeling, like something massive is still missing and I ought to go out in the world and find it. I supposedly have everything that the posters of this board covet: critical success in my university, solid social bonds, and a path into the future, but there is something calling to me far away. Before going back to school, I lived outside and traveled through the wilderness to earn my bread, and there is something fundamental in that drawing me back.

What right do I have to this? In what system do I operate?

>>14325181
>there is something fundamental in that drawing me back

>>14308742
more evidence that /pol/ rots people's brain folks

>>14325181
do shrooms

I stopped masturbating, and now I'm constantly horny but I still can't focus on the things I need to do

>>14325438
i was gonna call up a friend for a fuck session but i just jacked off and now i wont call her.

I’m incapable of relaxation
I think I might be very slowly hyperventilating but that doesn’t seem possible
My chest hurts
I feel light-headed
Everything seems very warm
I do not know why I’m afraid, but I am terrified right now

>>14325752
Isnt this panic attack?

>>14325438
when did you stop?

>>14325752
yeah sounds like a panic attack.
that or a stroke.

what have i become?

my sweetest friend.

>>14325181
>In what system do I operate?
Install gentoo

>>14324803
Getting back into music has been difficult. I have all these ideas throughout the day but when I want to work on them, I feel helpless, without an anchor. This self-defeat is frustrating, but I need to keep at it.

>>14326667
based crossboard poster

I'm stuck in a cycle of resentment against my parents. They were very keen on seeing that I became religious but didn't really give me the tools to have a choice outside of that. I can read church Latin and Greek and know a lot about theology, but I don't know if I have the ability to survive outside of a religious community. My parents have explicitly said that they intended me to lack those abilities so I couldn't leave the church and I feel extremely resentful because of that

>>14326665
everyone i know

goes away

in the end

>>14327043
how do you know the end has come?

want to find a book about beautiful boys and the men that stupidly fall for them but it's hard, because i either hate the prose or the older guy is some fugly crone that i can't lust after

send recommendations, damn it

Tried to explain accelerationism and Nick Land to my lefty friend. They have no fucking clue what the actual landscape of power looks like right now.

>>14327071
legend of the galactic heroes

There was a cute girl at the gig
She had black hair and a round face
And black coat and black leggings and
Black boots too.

And she was quiet the whole time
And I stole a few glances
And I didn't know if those were eyes of fear
And awkwardness, but I suspect they were

It seemed like she was alone
She didn't speak to anybody
And hung by the railing
Not leaning on it
Just... Stood
Like her hoots were a pot
And she was a sugar cane

She saw me looking I think
And I she stayed put
And I tried not to look, but I did
A few times
For halfs and 3/4s seconds

I tried not to look because I have a girlfriend
And it wouldn't be right for her
And also, a stranger looking at you is
Not the most
Pleasant experience

Someone in the mezzanine, right above me
Spilled their drink and people scattered
And a big space was left, right next to me
It was near the end of the gig and some folks were on their way out regardless

But she stood by the railing
And didn't approach to listen better
Or to see better
And I wondered if I'd scared her
And then I wondered if I would even be remembered by her in the next minute

When the gig was over i
Walked over by the railing and
Left the venue via the ramp
And she was stood where she was
Then turned to the crowd leaving by
The stairs
And that was that

>>14327071
The Seed and the Sower has some homoerotic tension. And in the film adaptation the leads were played by David Bowie and Ryuichi Sakamoto, who are certainty not hard to look at. So just imagine it's them, or whatever.

I'm at the beginning of a relationship with a new woman, but I feel nothing for her. We have been on a few dates, we have had sex a few times and it would seem that she likes me. When we walk she hangs off my body, she leans her weight on mine, she places her head on my shoulder. During sex, she bites me on the neck, leaving bruises, marking me as her own. At first I was flattered by her attention because she is very attractive, and I am very alone - but I feel nothing for her. In a few hours I will see her again, but I do not want to have sex with her. I think I will entertain her until Christmas and then let her loose.

>>14327382
Remember anon, the more you look like Mac Demarco the higher the chance she’ll suck your dick.

>>14327553
>Mac Demarco

ok boomer

I hide so much darkness from my parents. Over time they become so fragile and almost innocent. Salt of the earth types. It breaks my heart that they are exposed to the evils of this world and will die. If one has a good relationship with one's parents, a kind of parental mentality in yourself in turns develops toward them. Your parent's mortality, if you love them, is one of life's hardest lessons in death.

>>14327850
Starting to feel this way as my parents age too. While they’re only in their 69’s my father has spinal stenosis and an immune disorder and despite doing everything in his power to heal has becaine more gaunt with age. My mother overworks herself running a business and has become heavy and decreasingly mobile. They are aware of it but find change difficult to enact in their lives, as most people do. I don’t know what to do to help them.

>>14324120
do you fap to this?

>>14327850
Imagine all the darkness they have hidden from you and are still hiding.

I find it eternally frustrating how women are utterly predictable. No matter how developed she might be intellectually or physically, she will always reduce herself to these so-called 'shit tests' in order to test her potential mate. And they themselves are infuriating, to the point where I break up with women who pull them on me simply because it's a display of horrid character of them, and the assumption that I don't see straight through them is an undervaluation of my perceptiveness.

>>14327850
Even if you don't love them, your parent's mortality is a hard lesson in life. You revere them as a sort of Gods during your childhood, graduating from it mentally as you become a teenager, but it doesn't solidify until one of your parents actually die. Once that happens, it really puts your own mortality into focus. You don't really become an adult until one of your parents die.

>>14326699
I try to write down all the random lines or topics as soon as they pop into my head. I have a general problem of doing things, though; big reason as to why I started therapy. Frequently, it feels as if a grey fog is descending upon my brain, as if I can physically feel it shutting down to try and avoid putting effort into anything. It can happen when I want to write and actually be creative, but it can happen with a thing as little as writing a 3-sentence e-mail.

>>14328604
How do you deal with brain fog?

>>14328575
Your pettiness betrays your egocentricity.

>>14327850
A few years ago I composed my fathers eulogy. Of all his children I have the best public voice for these things. Once I realised this duty could fall to me, the thought and consequences were unavoidable. Regardless of his fast attitudes and retrograde mindsets, I am incapable of being angry with him since. The words I will use to summarize my parents change by the day, but the tone may as well be set in stone.

>>14328769
Not well.
I haven't found a good way to counter-act it yet. Most of the time I just put things off, hope that sleep, uni, or work will clear my mind enough to deal with them later. Sometimes I try to simply push through it, little by little. Start by opening the e-mail client, opening the text editor, writing a title. This helps getting my 'foot into the door', so to say.
I try to take walks sometimes, but they can have the opposite effect and put me down even more. I find skating or riding by bike instead a better solution (if I can get myself to get ready and leave the house). There's one EP I listen to every time I need an energy boost too. It's about 15 minutes, I listen to it from start to finish on high volume.

>>14306698
Do you like music?

I often wish I had a loving woman in my life

>>14329429
r

>>14329429
Aw yeah.

>>14305170
Welcome to the club

>>14327071
call me by your name?
songmaster (older dude is a crone but it's still worth reading imo)

>>14329429
FUCK YOU /LIT/ 2 GET

>>14329937
Im gonna reroll

>>14330035
Look at that weakling.

>>14330046
emily is the best though