/lit/ - Literature

My patience for beedy eyed, nosy, busybody Christian's is reaching it's end. Everything they are is a masturbatory circlejerk, they hate interacting with anyone who could change their mind. It's so fucking tiring talking to them, like trying to teach a hoodrat algebra.

The feeling of a migraine finally dissipating is almost worth the migraine itself for what a relief it is. I hope the increase in migraines lately isn't indicative of anything horrible.

I started reading 2666 and even though I dislike the prose style and the characters, for some reason I keep returning to it. There was a dream sequence early on that was probably spookier than most horror movies I've seen this year. I hope I figure out what's going on later and what the point of it all is.

Mind is never peaceful; no-mind is peace. Mind itself can never be peaceful, silent. The very nature of the mind is to be tense, to be in confusion. Mind can never be clear, it cannot have clarity, because mind is by nature confusion, cloudiness. Clarity is possible without mind, peace is possible without mind; silence is possible without mind, so never try to attain a silent mind. If you do, from the very beginning you are moving in an impossible dimension.

>no gf

>>14139290
>muh prose!

vinceposting is further advanced than the dao

the most important thinker of the 20th century

>>14139361
whats his name

>>14139275
I'm in a meeting right now, so I'll share the juciest bits
>Jews try to earn their way into the kingdom
Like they know anything about Jews, they haven't even met one
>We can escape our own perceptions by having the hands layed on us by some guys we know
>one guy is talking about how the bad things that happen to us are just spankings by God
This guy was a principal at the church's school that implemented public spankings in the 1970s and one time beat his daughter so hard with a belt that she had a gaping wound on her butt, she missed school, and was told that she would be publically spanked wehn she went back because that was the punishment for tardiness (he is an unapologetic degenerate)
>Humans can't do anything because God is behind all causality, so there's no point in trying to do anything
They are all just broken, brainwashed slaves. I wish they could wake up and learn how to be responsible for themselves. Christians are the most childish people I've ever met

>>14139370
>The difference between us, the elect, and the non elect
Holy shit, the point of election is that you don't know who is who. Imagine being this prideful
>They play a Dennis Prager video
>By nature, everyone is a Jew

>>14139269
I’ve started a dangerous game. I made a vow to God that I would never watch porn again. This was after going 6 days of NNN until I had a wet dream, then cooming twice that same day. And so I vowed to never in my life visit any porn sites, porn boards, or even search for google images. I also vowed to quit 4chan for a day, yesterday, which I was able to do. I think it would be too dangerous to vow to quit 4chan forever, but I still need to find a way to control this addiction. To break a vow with God is already dangerous, but I’ve associated the failure of this vow with failure to get the girl of my dreams. I won’t be able to be with her for at least the next 5 years, so I have all that time to uphold this vow. Both my general fear of God and my love of her should keep me motivated. I know all of this might seem crazy or wrong, but I just couldn’t take it anymore. I had to do something. I hope and pray it will work.

>>14139366
rene guenon

>A primer on Guenonfag
A Guenonian/Schuonian. He used to post a lot more Schuon but quietly excised those references from his posts when people started attacking him for it. At first he would post "Eastern Thought" or "Oriental" threads, which were thinly veiled excuses to samefag respond to himself with recommendations of Shankara. He would be so hostile in these threads that they all turned into shitstorms immediately.

Eventually mods started deleting the threads, so he started doing pic related once in a while. When he got tired of that, he resigned himself to invading other threads tenuously related to Indian or Eastern thought, especially Buddhist threads, being incredibly aggressive and samefagging himself like before.

He was utterly humiliated by real scholars a few times, who demonstrated that he doesn't know the languages he pretends to know and he in fact doesn't know his "tradition" very well either. His talking points were all traced back to surface-level Neovedanta sources written in Western languages, which he vehemently denies despite many direct quotes and screenshots being traced.

>>14139407
I'm on the same path. Two weeks without porn and already feel better. I still have urges but I refuse to let pornography rot my mind again. I'm learning to control myself and I always try to remind of how weak I was. It was patethic. Not anymore, from now I'm in control. I don't believe in God, but I believe in the force of evil. It's very real and it's all around us. Believe me, it will try to destroy you if you let.
Anyway, I wish you luck, anon. We're all gonna make it.

>>14139433
>Two weeks
Nice. I made it to 20 days once. Around days 17-20 is when I’ve always struggled. Don’t get too cocky and don’t ever tell yourself that you can “reward” yourself by relapsing. Keep watch, as Satan is always lurking

I've been reading othello
Is it bad that I sympathize with Iago alot?

Im a bit concerned for my mental health. Im a virgin and while it does not bother me Im worried, I have been OFFERED sex several times but always shy away from the act. I assume it is because I demand deep connection with the one I am to be intimate with and casual sex seems so primitive and disconnected

I'm lonely and horny today and have literally nothing going on. What should I do? Vidya and YouTube feel stale. I think my choice to stop fapping has made me harder to please.

>>14139370
>>Humans can't do anything because God is behind all causality, so there's no point in trying to do anything
That's actually Manichaeism.

Have you not felt as if you were but a petal in an infinite tree?


..................
Hello Heather! I wrote my personal statement. I will preface that it's pretty heavy but I think in order to really get my case across it needs to be that way. I would also like to amend the partial withdrawal I signed for last time and make it a full withdrawal please, I would like to apply to withdraw from all my courses and not just two, please let me know about amending that and what kind of extra documentation I should collect for my personal statement. Here is my personal statement, which I plan to edit for punctuation later. I would appreciate your feedback, thank you so so much for all your help so far, don't know much it means to me.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------


----

Sebastian (redacted)
In my meeting with Heather, I was made aware that whatever decision that is to be made will only take into account what I have to present here. Along with this, “it’s whatever happened in the fall semester that’s most relevant.” However, as is well known, our current circumstances are conditioned by our past ones. I would further reason that the degree to which past events or “states” are relevant to our current condition has to do with how much control we can exercise over them.

Here are a few things that are out of my control.

In the last 6 months I’ve had problems with medications inducing everything from weight loss to psychosis, I’ve moved three times, lost friends and a girlfriend, dealt with bed bugs, have lost more hair than any 20 year old reasonably should, dealt with cystic acne all over, working on top of it all, transferring universities, etc.

This a bit of context for the Fall. I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize myself. I look forward in time and there seems to only be a void, somedays I feel like hell has come alive and I’m living in a nightmare now.
Most importantly this is the year I have had to renew my DACA. DACA is deferred action for childhood arrivals, essentially a program which allows undocumented kids a social security number so they can work and not worry about being deported for two years.

This year I became aware of a complex legal problem in my immigration procedure which forced me to have to hire a lawyer, who advertised a timeline for amending said hiccup much different than what actually transpired, what was supposed to take about 2 months ended up taking about 5. I wasn’t able to submit DACA renewal myself because the lawyers insisted that they needed to attach legal documents to explain some of the complexities of my case which due to their unforeseen difficulties with my issue, and failure to communicate effectively, were not produced until I signed for DACA a month and a half after I should have submitted it .

>>14140035
To this day they won’t give me an exact date it was sent. My DACA expires on (x) I have been in contact with Congressman (redacted)'s office over the past few weeks seeking an inquiry and possible expedition of my application, as it now looks like I will legally lose my right to work, and therefore pay rent, drive, buy groceries, pay bills, etc.. and I will begin to acrew unlawful presence, something which I didn’t have before and will ruin any possibility of attaining a work visa as a path for securing my sanity.
This is a problem that has intensified in size and pain and worry with proportion to the day my DACA expires, which is about three days after my meeting with Heather, the coming instability of my living situation, sanity, and practically my whole life is my prime concern here.
Otherwise and still most relevantly: I’ve been off my ADHD medication since July as the U of U student health center (my only possible source of healthcare) requires a neuropsychologist to prescribe it, whereas at my previous University I just had it prescribed by a regular old MD, I haven’t had time or resources to make this appointment.
I was also prescribed Celexa after a bad depressive episode in the summer, now having quit taking it I noticed it induced brain fog, slowness, and low energy. I was prescribed Adderall one last time but as it induces psychosis and mania for me so I’d like to try something else. I signed up for classes weeks into the semester believing I would hail mary this semester and “overcome”, perhaps my DACA would be processed quicker, some people get theirs done a day after biometrics others wait 6 months. Perhaps my hair would start growing back, maybe Celexa would help my depression and I’d meet someone new. Etc.. Oh foul optimism.
I added classes weeks into the semester, but I changed my work schedule only after a bit of time, then my sleep got ruined and then slowly my mental health truly started to unravel, changing schedules for everything last minute and trying to find my own sanity in the midst of it all induced chaos.
I missed October 18 deadline, believing I would improve and contact my professors to work something out, I’d been missing classes and deadlines. Since Halloween night however I have been in the worst depressive episode of my life. Something broke in between discontinuing Celexa, not eating or cleaning due to my low funds, communicating only with my just as stressed parents etc.. I contemplate suicide daily and I fear being denyed DACA, getting pulled over, failing out the classes my parents worked their whole lives in the face of enormous danger to put me into, that I worked hard at (redacted) to transfer here for, finding a job and a place to live, my leases, my skin, my hair I’ve aged 5 years in one, a girl broke my heart and has had me questioning all the basic premises of my existence, where I’m going with my life and whether there is a god or free will or not.

>>14140051
In short, I have not been able to focus or function like a normal human being in the last year and it has only intensified exponentially in the recent month: strangeness pain and horror. Imagine working 10 times harder for just as much and having it be so unstable, so at risk of a loss, due to so many things you can’t control that won’t turn up, that aren’t making sense. But you have to do it anyway, for some sort of abstract hope. You’d ask everyday why you had to be born into this kind of life. I am asking for it not to get any worse, I am asking for maybe, the saving grace of my life it’s always been, school, to give some respite, in the name of any future career or grad school prospects.

I have been played a rather rough card, I have to understand and live with fears and ideations other people never even worry about. My drivers license is different from my friends so I don’t show it to them, I don’t go on study abroad trips, I never buy clothes, my parents can’t provide much life advice because I am treading water they only dreamed of but have never arrived. I find myself walking the loneliest path. I can’t focus, I can barely look people in the eye, I fear for my existence, I am in no state for school or playing catch up, I haven’t been able to control my lawyer and the judicial system, the president, my social surroundings, my body, my financial situation, USCIS, I am shattered mentally, physically and spiritually. I can’t even focus enough to edit this well, to really say everything I feel and am going through, there is so much I’m ashamed and scared of, envious of others, and none of this feels right. Help.
//////

I dont know what i want from life. I want to want something but i have no idea how to acquire such insight.
Any book recs on this matter?

bump

>>14139275
Worry about yourself you stupid fucking idiot. Obsessively trying to change other people's minds is really gay.
>b-but they started it! And they were being wrong!
Learn how to not engage every fucking person you disagree with and you will take your first step at being an adult.

>>14140062
Basically read every religious author that gets memed here and then forge your own path.

I would recommend:
Kierkegaard - The Present Age
Evola - Introduction to Magic (especially the introduction and all of part 1 - "Knowledge of the Waters" is a highlight)
Nietzsche - The Gay Science
The Bible - All of it, especially the wisdom literature and the Gospels

I like gardening, growing plants makes me happy. I'm writing a fantasy story about a guy who lives in a big greenhouse and experiments with making potions and stuff from magical plants. It's comfy.

>>14139407
we're praying for you anon

>>14140782
also aquinas

I am reading Anna Karenina, and I can't stop thinking about how all the fancy delicate ladies in it have hairy pussies. It's so primal and unrefined.

>>14139407
>failure to get the girl of my dreams
>I won’t be able to be with her for at least the next 5 years
anon this course of action is only going to hurt you

>>14139269
I failed my driving test. All my life I was told I am smart and destined for greatness, so every time I underachieved I assumed that there was some external influence causing me to perform below my true ability. But this time it was different. This time I have no excuse. I studied and genuinely tried hard but still came up short.

In many ways I am like Tom from East of Eden: a man who was overestimated by everyone around him, constantly told he was a great, every reservation and lack of initiative on his part was reinterpreted as being a sign of latent greatness by his father, but in reality he was a midwit. And so, like Tom, this inflated perception of myself has been permanently embossed onto my psychology, meaning that I hold a veritable contempt for mediocrity and will never be able to accept myself as a midwit, even though that is what I am. My psychologist tells me I should work towards an acceptance of "who I am", not understanding that the gap between who I am and who I wish to be is so great as to send me plummeting into the dark pit below were I to attempt to leap over it. As a result I see no other way forward for me to go except to do what Tom did.

I really canno't comprehend how people can fall for religion. I don't mean the belive of some sort of creator or supernatural force, or spirituality but human made religion. All of those religious ideas are just so... human, they're clearly made by people for people, there is absolutely nothing devine or godly about them. How can one even convice themselves that in this vast universe where we're less than a single grain of sand in the Sahara desert God can be some sort of close to humans being. That he has the extremely simple understaning of the world as we do, the same understaning of time, life, death etc. It's jsut so incredibly boneheaded to me. Just the notion that this ,for a lack of any other word i can think of, force of creation is something that can be understood let alone communicated is so alien to me that i don't even know what people are trying to do when i see their religious groupings. Is it truly that hard for mankind to stop building naratives for themselves like we're the protagonists of the universe ?

>>14141095
She’s underage

>>14141132
oh you're *that* anon

So I had a therapists appointment again today. We sat down and went point by point through the DSM. As the hour long session come to a close, the therapist told me that I meet the criteria for diagnosis of both body dysmporphia and gender dyshoria. I hadn't been feeling this way for about a week, but he thought that it was worth the effort to really hone in on what's bothering me. He said I could just be "non-binary" which I don't disagree with because I don't like being a male, but wouldn't want to be a female either. Sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't care about all of this if I didn't know you could actually change your body. I'm pretty maculinized at this point so I don't know if there is much left to do. I wish I was just an angel really, perfectly androgynous and beautiful without all of the trouble of having a sex or a gender.

>>14141422
Sex isn't obligatory you know. If it suits you just aspire to be that Angel you want to be.

>>14141560
I mean like biological sex, XY and XX and penises and vaginas

>>14139971
Same. There were times when I regretted it but overall I'm glad I didn't do it. Sex just for the sake of it just feels wrong.

>>14139974
watch a video on calisthenics and start turning your body into a temple

>>14141579
All I'm saying is, that if you don't intend on having sex anyway, why should it even matter ?

>>14141601
This except also read this book about bruce lee's training

>>14141626
cool, i'll check that out.

I'm listening to jazz as it rains and pretending I'm a hardboiled detective ready to go out and solve some cases in the seedy underside of the city.

>>14141668
i like having fantasies like this.

>>14139275
Preach, worst us when you meet a legitimately neat person but they don't want to have anything to do with you because you aren't a christ nut

>>14139269
Isolation is bliss. Maybe not for everyone but definitely for me. I think I'm going to work thirty hours a week and buy the occasional prostitute. The rest of my time will be books, movies, and video games. And porn. Loooots of porn

>>14139269
http://esotericawakening.com/wheels-within-wheels-samsara

>>14139269
I feel so upset that my non-dual spiritual beliefs aren't more popular within society. God is Consciousness, in my view. Everything is One Infinite Consciousness, experiencing itself through a specific form of entity. Be it elemental, vegetative, animal, human, higher-dimensional species, planets and beyond. Consciousness is really synonymous with many other items we refer to, such as Love. Consciousness and Love are the same thing. And what is Love? Love is merely the condition of Unity. Love and Unity are, again, synonymous. As is Consciousness a Unity. We find Beauty in Unity because Consciousness is seeing it's innermost nature embodied externally. Beauty is the felt effect of Consciousness's witness of itself. The edifice of Logic is merely the conceptual abstraction of our direct, phenomenological experience: necessity, permanency, objectivity, existence, identity, non-contradiction and the other items that comprise logic are simply the closest linguistic approximations for our immediate experiencing of reality. That is to say those terms are approximations of consciousness itself. All you need to do is meditate. You need nothing else in the world. You already are that fundamental reality, you merely prevent yourself from realizing it due to your behavioral patterns and belief-systems clouding you from seeing it. Yet it remains, and will always remain, and the other items mentioned can only ever rest above it temporarily. God is Infinite Love. You are Infinite Love. Please start attempting to actualize that in your life. This is merely a ramble and certainly won't seem that coherent, but I have a more elaborate explanation in my personal journals. I hope to one day post them online and for others to be able to read and potentially benefit from them.

>>14141091
Kitty has a hairy kitty

I’ve always hated characterizing days, months, or years. Like on New Years when people bid farewell to the terrible departed year. It’s odd to characterize an entire year. But I’m curious if I’ll look back on November 2019 as the month I lost my mind and then regained it. As the month I read the book that triggered the latent memory that caused the crisis. As the month I went through the profound change. I’ve always been a loner. I’ve always been alone. At family gatherings they all know not to ask anymore about a significant other. There are just quiet, knowing looks. I‘ve always thought there was something about me that must repel women. That even though I’m not handsome, and even less handsome men have found love, I must be especially unlovable. Now I know it’s not that at all. I see I’ve insulated myself from contact with women, with everyone, for fear of rejection. An outsized fear. Now I need to start reconditioning myself, to put myself out there. Not every woman is my mother who will leave me. I haven’t been touched by someone without a veneer of irony between us in years. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be held tenderly, with nothing reserved. It would be too much for me to bear. And now it’s all I want.

>>14140749
I'm not trying to change their minds, just trying to get them to stop controlling my access to employment, housing, or my family. I don't give a fuck about what they think, it's just that they repeatedly attempt to infringe on my basic human needs

>>14141694
They are really just crossdressing hermaphrodites.
They have none of the positive aspects of leftists or fascists but have their worst; they lack vitalism, or compassion, hardness or softness. They are neither cold nor hot, they are just lumpy, over populated German peasants with no sense of aesthetics or greatness, love or mercy.

If they were harsh like the Muslims or Nazis, you could at least respect them, however, their attempted impositions are ineffectual and vicariously embarrassing. If they were filled with mercy and loving-kindness like the Buddhists or Jains (or even literally Jesus for that matter) you could not help but feel admiration for them, however, they feel no love for anyone outside of their group, which isn't really based on anything real like race or kinship, so they have no marks on that subject either. They have just the right amount of power to be annoying, but not enough to be master's, so they try to act larger than they are with innane chest puffing and demoniac yelping. The hoi polloi run the West now and have turned it into a heaping shit pile. The Galilean has won after all, it seems

>>14139275
>tfw blue eyed, blond and a pure Alpine stud
>tfw Christian
Repent OP, and try visiting our mountains. They are wonderful.

>>14139269
all my brother does is play apex legends after work ends its ALL HE DOES why why why why why it's just repeat repeat repeat he reads zero books he credulously accepted his girlfriend's christianity he sits and plays and rages all day long every single day

if this is where postmodernism is taking us.... I mean what the fuck. Will there ever be class mobility again?

>>14140782
>>14141079
I read all except Evola and except Aquinas more than one time. Recommend some other.

>>14139269
FUCK FUCK GOD HELL GOD WHY DOES MY EAR HURT CHRIST

MAKE IT FUCKING STOP GOD PLEASE WHY

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

https://vocaroo.com/i/s1llScQJpsl4

:3

>>14139269
OH MY GOD NO IM LOSING MY MIND FUXKX DUXK MOTHER PLEASE PLEASE GELP ME FATHER GOD PLEASE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK IM BEGGING YOU HELP GOD IM GOING INSANE AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

>>14141675
my whole life is a fantasy like this

>>14139269
I want to sleep

death murder kill destroy them kill destroy them murder them all destroy kill savagery commit savagery on them kill butcher slaughter kill

>>14141119
I feel you anon ive been through some rough shit these last few years, I used to be an intense religious zealot, now I dont know anymore, I know gods and demons exist, im just not sure if they care about us, if we are even anything more than insects to them, or playthings

all the various cults through human history that i have studied were anything from desperate people clinging together for hope, on the more benevolent side, to lunatics dancing and prancing around lion goddesses while they cut their penises off. what sort of god or goddess would demand such a thing from humans? either a demon toying with us mortals, or just some madmen driven insane by getting cucked too many times, i really dont know, but i dont think any of these cults ever lead to good things, a swirling mass of human psychic energy devoted to a lie

the only thought i have on my own head: kill yourself

>>14139269
Is it worth playing when everybody plays against you, united, like a hivemind? I hate that H. guy.

>>14143056
Don't kill yourself anon. That's simply the forces of chaos (or as I know it, Loki) building up inside of you. Regain the order within you. Observe your thoughts and try to reorder them. I was once in the same position as you (I watched a suicide, and his spirit has been integrated within me), and all I can say is that over time, the spirit slowly submerges into your sea of experiences. It's still there, and still effects me to a degree, but I've learned how to get it under control

>>14139366
Joe Rogan

>>14140057
>>14140051
>>14140035
Get out of my country you cockroach
Fuck Trump for not following through and vaporizing all you beaners

>>14143102
yes fight till the end

>>14143056
Thats what I think as well. I've read parts of the Bible (the important parts anyway), parts of the Koran... Other religious texts (mainly ancient creation myths from around the world) and commentaries and theological works... And none of it actually made a lasting impression on me. I could appreciate the literary merit of Augustine's Confessiones and the finely tuned arguments offered by a Duns Scotus and other thinkers, yet to me it didn't feel like it was trying to convince the reader but more to convince the author. As if... In the end, all this work is futile. Again, to me it feels as if the authors felt or intuited deep down inside that any kind of refutation is a waste of time because it simply refutes itself - hence why they could craft their arguments like a Swiss clock, they could let their fantasy go wild without bothering about future objections - they knew they were fighting a losing game... If you think about it longer than five minutes, it actually makes you sad: all this wasted effort. All these cubic metres of theology and not one answers the question: if God is good then why is there evil to a degree that is barely - somewhat - satisfying.

>>14139275
Just say protestant or Amerimutt, save us the trouble.

heil hitler

>>14143125
the only thing keeping me from suicide is spite for my rivals and enemies at this point, that and art, its not so much that i think im a great artist, its more the ambition and drive to become great like my idols, if that happens then my shit life will have mattered at least a little bit and i can die peacefully. I know i dont have the greatest skills but i do have great ideas, and if i refine my skills i can make art at the level of dali or gieger, i know i can
its hard to regain order in this never ending bedlam, but ill try, thanks anon
>>14143144
some of it lasts with me, i think little pieces of it are true. "Remember man that thou art dust, and to dust thou shalt return". That sounds like something a God would say to a mortal. Not even really humbling or toying with us, just reminding us. Much of Hindu and Nordic mythology is very profound and speaks to the primordial essence of the universe, but it is misty and savage to behold, barely comprehensible to the modern mind. I think most myths and religions reveal more about human psychology and our relation to the divine and the universe as a whole than any actual truth regarding these things.This still makes it fascinating to study for me and I feel in some vague, dreamlike way that some of it does come from some divine truth, but not in the way most cultish idiots believe
<hurrr my religion is true because some book
<some book is true cause some jew 4000 years ago said an angel whispered in his ear while he wrote it down and he wrote every single word down exactly without adding or removing anything for his own bias and gain

>>14143172
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4HovJoMVtt0

>>14143182
i admire your ambition to do great things and contribute back, but you will also have to deal with repeated failures and a long time going unheard and ignored, so i would recommend also working on your ability to enjoy/envision a life worth living without success. most of my idols died before their art was properly accepted by others (van gogh, nietzsche, robbie basho) and most success is fleeting, 3-6 years at very best. still totally worth aiming for nonetheless

I had a dream about the phrase "cursed is he who hangs on a tree" wherein the hanging meant dependence and the tree meant linear unfolding of the finite.

>>14143247
my life is already complete failure, ive peered into the void and into the future and i know my lifes not going in a good direction, ive gone a little too far in a few places -george lucas
my only hope is to practice drawing until im not shit and my demons, gods and angels haunt every liberal art museum in the world, so that in the night they can come alive and commit iconoclasm on modern art garbage
>>14143248
ive meditated on the relation of the hanged man, the hanging of odin on yggdrasil and the crucifixion of christ. what does it all mean? why is the image of man, spread out in torture and exhaustion on a tree, a symbol of the material world, seem to resonate so much in the human mind? theres something both transcendent yet despairing about it, i like what your dream told you it meant.
maybe in those 9 days of hanging on the tree odin saw his own puppet strings, and him screaming and falling back to the world was him breaking free from the linearity of existence and transcending space and time. ive also noticed lots of older catholic crucifixes depict christ as if he is struggling and in conquest over death.
ive always thought it was a symbol of mans binding to this world and his struggle to free himself of it

>>14143248
your dreams are based

some dreams completely confuse you
and some dreams are crystal clear, especially when they're bad ones

>>14143286
Well, the hanged man might have something to do with suffering to achieve something beyond oneself. After all, Odin received the knowledge of the runes after hanging from the Yggdrasil, and Jesus (or Baldr) received eternal life and elevation to the Highest God after his sacrifice. I think that the hangman means that skin in the game is essential for the sacred

>>14143362
>live boring life
>have a even more boring dreams
wtf

>>14139269
Were I to give up this quest, would i be any better off? No. Of course not. Why would I? This quest is a talisman I clutch to hold off the evil thoughts coming to torment me. Without it, I would suffer the same, but with no cause. How horrid. How absolutely horrid. I pretend to serve the goal, but in reality the goal serves me.
It is for that reason that I must (I must!), abandon it. As long as clutch it to defend me, I can not see my life for what it is.
Breathe deep. There is no purpose. There is no goal. See, that wasn't so bad, now was it?

> wish I could speak English.

>>14141024
Sounds awesome anon. Hope you finish and publish it.

I hope I'll make it. I will make it. Studying is good for me and will help me in the future, even if, for now, it makes little to no sense to memorise such information... yes, memorise. Not learn. I wonder what went wrong in the decision making process regarding my country's education system. People stuck with a mentality of a dead regime, people contemplating whether we should just accept our fate as powerless sheep or continue to struggle against fate. Did we even fight in the first place?
Ah, this is how I lose my time and not study. Silly me. I'm going to make it, or that's what I say to keep myself going.

You can make it too.

>>14143712
I wont make it. I cannot accept fact that i'm responsible for my life.

why is life full of sorrow

>>14143880
So that we can accept our inevitable deaths

I don’t feel like a person anymore and I’m sweet for it. All I am is a mulch of sand and ash mixing and everything I thought about myself is unravelling. Nothing I do stops me from looking at how other people function, how they laugh and how they cheer and all I can wonder is if was ever like that or if I could ever be. What I need more than anything right now is just a pillar or a net to hold me, but I think I might overbear on them.

Our boldness and recklessness when faced with our own insignificance is perhaps the most remarkable of human traits.

>SEETHING state department nerds mad they couldn't overthrow the government of venezuela and steal that sweet oil
>need to do something or they're going to be out of a job
>*throws dart on map*
>"bolivia is a dictatorship! The people are being oppressed! We need to do something"
Like fucking clockwork. It's hilarious as well because venezuela actually has been in a rough spot because of sanctions of the tumbling price of oil and sanctions, but bolivia has been doing great. Of course dumbass westerns will probably still look at it and go "wtf, why is their standard of living not as good as my pampered ass? they must be lacking freedoms^TM"

I just remembered how when I was around the age of nine or ten my mother made me, along with my brother, take swimming lessons after school because we were such poor swimmers. I was in a group with kids who were several years younger than me since I was at such a low level and this made me feel extremely humiliated. To make matters worse, for years my mother wouldn't allow my brother and I to shower alone in the male changerooms and instead we were to shower and change in the women's with her. This was also extremely humiliating and I completely forgot about it until just now. I've always known I was a 'mummy's boy' but this sort of memory leaves me feeling very strange.

Turns out that I want to fuck some furries, I don't really know what to think of that.

I just cast a rune for this week, it was the Kaunan rune. It stands for rest and acceptance. I can interpret this rune in two ways. It either has something to do with my work (I've overworked quite a bit the last few weeks) or the fact that I'm going on vacation pretty soon. In the first interpretation, I believe that I should have some rest in my work and accept that I'm not as far in my finction as I could be, and that I should accept this fact. In the second interpretation, I should take it easy on my travel anxiety and accept that my travels will go as they go. Anyway, I hope anyone who reads this can be blessed by the Kaunan rune as well, and practice rest and acceptance as well during this week.

>>14143880
because everybody wants to eat, but nobody wants to get eaten

Reading Anna Karenina rn, finished part 1.
I like Konstantin Levin a lot and all the characters are great but WTF is wrong with Vronsky? Is pussy all this boy cares about?

>>14144262
a coomer with a thing for milfs, unfortunately

I have a great, unmet need for beauty in my life. I don't even mean the need for a beautiful sexual partner or anything like that, just a general lack of beautiful things in my life.

All around me, the houses are ugly and dilapidated, trash is strewn across the city streets. People have ugly faces and voices, their bodies hunched over veiled in tacky non fitting clothes. The sky is grey and the trees are barren. My body is greasy and dry. Dust and hair cover the corners of my house, and the squirrels are making quick work of the pumpkins on our unpainted porch.

This whole town has an attitude of uncaring and a lack of pride. You can see the poverty on the faces of the people. Stupid and villainous.

Everything is perfect in my dreams, the faces, the clothes, the streets, the gardens. Nothing is unmanicured and uncared for. I wish to return there as soon as I can

>>14144316
What's stopping you from rolling up your sleeves and getting to it?

>>14144325
I do my best, I pick the trash up around my neighborhood pretty frequently. It's just so tiring, I'm the only one I ever see doing that and none of my neighbors seems to care one way or the other.

>>14144316
one of the sad things about being in a nicer neighborhood is that even the so-called nice things have their own ugliness. there are tidy-looking plastic fences that have replaced wood fences. cold cfl porch lights replaced warm incandescent bulbs (which themselves replaced gas flame). plastic siding replaces wood siding. plastic window frames replaces wood.

even in nice restaurants there is a widespread coarsening. fewer and fewer places have tableclothes. 3rd world servers don't understand they're not supposed to hand you dishes, or have you hand your dishes to them. wine is poured into the wrong glasses, etc.

I think one of the worst issues people have when approaching classical literature is that people see it as humorless, or hold no humor to it whatsoever. People who take books too seriously are never going to have fun with them.

>>14144332
well if i were you i'd focus on my own home, maybe tend to the lawn or grow a garden and the neighbors may follow suit eventually out of envy

>>14144379
notes from underground had one of the funniest scene between protag and butler.

>>14144386
i cringed at that actually, seemed to me like protag was fully unhinged

>>14144406
your rectum cringed inside your diaper right before you shat

>>14144381
I know, we already have a garden. I think it's just this neighborhood, too many hoodrats. They aren't good for anything besides getting high and killing each other. It's a shame

love you /lit/, everyone ong /g/'s dumb but youmre alright.

i used to have passion for things now i feel old and defeated

>>14144875
i never had passion for anything. atleast you had it.

>>14144893
._. this

I find that most advice I've absorbed from books on writing and workshops and stuff like that has legitimately made my writing worse. I'm comparing some things I wrote five years ago to stuff I wrote now and it's positively soulless. I've basically fallen for all the memes with the
>show don't tell
coming at the top of the list, and my recent works feel so boring that I can barely go through them. I think deep down I prefer telling over showing and I like stories that move fast and backwards and forwards in the narrative without a big emphasis on linearity or a plot. Everything I've written lately reads like your typical third person limited trash.
I think at the back of my head I always wonder, "Well, what would people think of <x>?" and that's made it a lot worse. I'm going to try writing some stories with the idea of them being for myself only and see if that helps.

I'm clinically obese yet my breasts are flat.

>>14144954
thats good for a guy

The past week my sadness has only set in as I leave work for the day. When I walk the block from my office to the subway, I am simply overcome. On the way I look into the faces of passersby, something I'd normally avoid, and wonder whether they can trace the grief on my face. In my heart I hope they can, though they never do. I take deep breaths and tear up. The nights at home and the days off are now the worst of it. I am a grown man and I come home to my father's house. He is elderly and no longer comes upstairs, but sleeps in a chair in front of a tv in the living room. Most nights I enter by the side door and wave hello before retreating upstairs. Some day I will come downstairs in the morning and find him dead there with the tv blaring. Removing him will be fairly simple for the EMTs because the chair is near the front door.

When I'm not working, it takes me hours to get out of the house. Today I woke up at 9 am and am only now getting ready to go. I can't motivate myself to shower on days off. I'll go to the book store, the gym, and then church once I'm up. In church I'll say my new special intention in the silence of my heart, that I not go through my life alone.

>>14139275
It is most probable that you interacted with judeochristians, since there are only a few Christians currently alive in the world; regardless of that - you are pathetic for deriding anyone who strives to live with the intention to do Good, regardless of any racial and/or rational deficiency in lifestyle that they may have.

>>14145062
No one sets out to do "evil". I'm not deriding their intentions, only their ignorance of what goals to have and how to obtain them

sometimes i wonder if i should just enlist as an officer, become a medic, and potentially save some lives just to mix things up. the desk job is boring me to death.

>>14144954
Implants and lose weight.

>>14145184
>enlist as an officer

jesus

>>14145193
you know what i meant, anon.

>>14145184
You don't get to pick your field as an officer. Get an MD and commission directly in and you can be an army doctor, but that doesn't sound like what you want

>>14145188
I'm not a tranny.

In most moments, even in my happiest times, I feel sad. I dont know why this underlying feeling hits me, but it does. I find ways to dull and chase it, but i crave it to some soul rensing extent.
I just want to sleep it away, i always feel as if im on the border of doing so.

I'm so angry I could kill myself, this is a Sunday where I have too much energy and cannot settle on anything, much less write.

>>14145125
>No one sets out to do "evil"
That is a false and absurd statement.

>I'm not deriding their intentions
>Everything they are is a masturbatory circlejerk
If you were capable of discerning the good intention of individuals from their actions, i.e.: their essence from their appearences, regardless of degree of confusion within the latter, you would not refer to them in the above manner, unless that you were repressing your own selfconsciousness.

can someone tell me the name of the painting in the OP?

>>14145246
because you realize all happiness is fleeting

>>14145223
no shit? well damn.

>>14142642
visionary

>>14145238
You don't have to be a tranny to get some silicone.

>>14145306
engraving flammarion

If you hit the arrow next to a post it bringa up options for image searches. Yamdex is the best.

im struggling to accept the fact that im alone responsible for my life. I'm always quick to blame external factors. Any books on this problem?

Depression is so confusing. What the fuck do you want, body? I have shelter, loving family, friends, good health. I'm afraid I will fuck up badly soon.

>>14145380
“The subtle art of not giving a fuck”
Pretty garbage overall but he talks a lot about how no matter what happens to you, even if it’s 100% not your fault, it’s still your responsibility to deal with it

>>14145407
Just wait. Time is the best medicine.

>>14145407
Ted was right again

This burden, this weight, the depressing notion of true beauty in life, living, and natural processes are constantly degraded through people's "subjective" ideas of beauty that are nothing more than subjugated thoughts reproduced through group thought. How many of my fellow man can honestly say they think for themselves and do not immediate reach for an "authority" when posed a stifling question that could stir doubt?

>>14145409
why its garbage?

>>14144525
As Confucius said, anon: If you wish to change a country, start with one region, if you wish to change a region, start with one town, if you wish to change a town, start with one household.
It's good that you care enough to try and pick up the trash around you community, and I agree with the other anon that working further on bettering your own house into something you can take pride in may go farther than you think.

>>14144930
I felt this way too but I think I'm coming back from it. I was considering applying for a fully funded MFA program but didn't because all the work that comes out of them sounds the same. What helped me was to read things I enjoyed before to get myself back into my previous style.
Workshops helped with clarity and organization but I noticed the blandness creeping into my writing after a while.
I wasn't experimenting as much because I didn't want to be embarrassed if it didn't work and I was watering down things that I thought other people wouldn't understand, even though I had a lot of positive feedback from professors for more "dense" pieces.
>that one student that circled the word "rhododendron" in one of my pieces and said that I should stop using pretentious long words like it
I don't miss workshops.

I should've ended it way sooner.

Why do some people get to be excruciatingly beautiful while some of us look like trolls. It's not fair.

>>14145495
It's not worth the bother of killing yourself, since you always kill yourself too late.

>>14145518
this but intelligence

>>14145518
Literally just how much testosterone has worked on you

>>14145539
neanderthal looking people have higher T

>>14145539
You can be high-T and still an ugly manlet.

>>14145552
Exactly

in exactly 17 hours i will be at work. i'm dreading it already.

>>14145605
>tfw a doctor and just waiting to get to work already after the weekend

>>14145608
i'm glad you get to help people on a daily basis, anon. i'm just a paper pusher.

>>14145615
you'd be suprised how much of my work is just pushing papers

>>14139304
based oshoposter

>>14145623
well, i'm glad you found something you can look forward to, then.

Is it true that under communism we'll only be working 6 hours a day 4 days a week? Because if it is I might just make the switch.

I was a young child, the unfamiliar place was discouraging, the walls in disrepair, an apartment in a poor neighborhood, just wishing to return home, behold an African American, he came out of his apartment, and he was only a few feet away from me.

>>14145644
You'd be eating 4 days a week.

>>14145644
Lol

>>14144072
Didn't expect to see Ankha on /lit, based fury poster.

>>14139269
Thought I was atheist, but really can't help but fascinate myself with Eastern Doctrines, their absolutely mind-blowing to a person like myself. Wanted to be an Egoist but the moralist in me is so nice, so moral. I even picked up a dollar someone dropped and ran back up to them so I could return it, never did I think for a second of pocketing it then, only after. Is it a thing where you condition yourself? I want to be a stone cold hard alpha but can't help being a romantic mess. I want to be read into philosophy but I read more often then not fiction and more often than not write poetry and half-baked short stories. I thought I was a hard-science type guy but after reading so much the amount of crazy shit that could be possible in the world, this strange,strange world, I figured things like telepathy, scrying and trance states are entirely possible. As for the crazy stone mason shit and Gnosticism who knows, but I rather apply myself to something I love in this peak of mine before searching for the truth in a highly controversial field, where I might be left unsatisfied. I thought I was destined be a strictly business-type of guy but I'm just a dead-faced monotone ex-drug addict that appeals to poetry through the last bit of love I have in me, because I'm a lover, an emotional type. The only thing I have pride in is how much i'm able to love. My work, my poetry, anything I write can be done by any other but the reason it is special is because it was done and finished by me and the beauty of it as it is is just there as it is.

So much to discover while im still young. I need to get off this drug business though. I wish you all the best whoever read to the end, much love to you.

>post in off-topic threads
>always report them afterwards

>>14145819
If you'd like, look into the philosophical concept of synchronicities, or meaningful coincidences. Jung, for example, believed these were the greater universe trying to communicate down to us. It sounds to me like you're rotating into the mindset that the materialistic and state of power over others is a worthless illusion compared to having love for your own life and that for others.
Keep going anon, you're on the right path!

Anons, I am you. Sever the illusionment which divides our consciousnesses.

>>14145984
No

>>14145984
You first, me

>>14145819
read Guenon

>>14146004
Me first.

bruh, imagine having 3-4 hours of free time a day (I can imagine, it's my life)

>>14145184
I’m actually planning on doing this very thing soon.

I don't get why people who makes crazy, 100k+ salaries don't just live incredibly humbly for a few years, put away all that cash, then retire at like 28. The average yearly return on the S&P is 10%, if you just lived in a shitty apartment (or even better, with your parents), ate cheap, and didn't blow money on entertainment you could have enough investments to just get 100k a year in returns (on average), never even touching the fucking principle.

>>14146047
inflation, taxes, living while you are young etc.

>>14146047
I don't get why people who makes crazy, 100k+ salaries didn't just drop 10k into bitcoin in 2012 and retire in a few years.

>>14146047
People's expenses tend to grow at the same rate as their income, so even if they end up making twice as much as before they still have about the same amount left over. This is largely a largely unconscious process for many.

>>14146086
is going to shitty bars and concerts really worth 30+ years of additional waging?

>>14146101
I fucking had around 1.5 btc from when it was sub-100, I can't believe I could have sold it for 20k at one point

>>14146102
which is understandable to some degree, eg, if your job requires you to live somewhere with obscene rent but mostly is just retarded. I remember this infuriating article about "struggling to live on 150k" where the person in question was spending like 2k a month on food.

>>14146117
>30+ years of additional waging?
Is there really any other point in life for most people?

>>14146117
People have this unexamined idea that they need to use up this month's wages or the next won't come in. That if they don't spend their money it'll disappear. I save at least half of my income because I realized I'm not using it for anything I actually need anyway.

>>14146130
I can barely comprehend the fact that I'm expected to work for another 45 years of my life. That's why I'm saving all I can.

>>14145815
>>>/aco/

I'm really scared of aging if I'm being honest with myself. I've never really looked like much to begin with, but I'm dreading looking even worse

>>14139269
It's unnatural for someone to react like this to attraction I know i'm interested in her, but instead of feeling any of the sensations people usually describe while infatuated, i instead only get a feeling of dread of discovery.
Discovering she does not feel the same way, or that she did, but because of my maddening inability to express anything resembling a true emotion, she simply thought i wasn't interested and moved on, like so many before her have.
During a lecture, our teacher was explaining contradictions, he looked at me and said "You are a contradictory man, what does that mean?". Before i could even open my mouth, she replied "Someone who doesn't know what he wants", everyone laughed, everyone including me, but if you are out there, i beg of you, please let me be right, please make it so that the emotion i noticed in her voice was there, and not just a figment of a lonely mind, desperate for affection.
Father, why did she look at my lips then?

>>14146220
That's the thing, looks converge. As you get older you will look relatively better compared to people in your age group.

>>14146291
That does not follow

Today i have found out that my gf of 5 years made a video call with a guy on Feb this year and they went over the 'limit'

I packed my stuff and went to my mothers house to stay. Its her birthday today and i told her i found out and she told me when she did it is when i was started telling her about her weight and that i was getting jelous and we were in a bad situation. She told me that she never had eyes for anyone else and she would never cheat on me and when she did the videocall she was not herself and that she feels terrible.She said i never accepted her as she was and that in the last year my behavior jealousy and telling her about gaining weight was too much. I texted some bitches in the past and she said when she felt that pain she cannot comprehend how she could have done something worse to me. She said that she still loves me very much and she should just have talked to me before this happend.

The thing is that i was over confident cause when i met her i was broke and had the half gains i have now but i still ignored the female hypergamy because i just 'got gud'. Never trust a woman. This woman cooked for me everyday for the last 5 years, never denied me sex, always cleaning the house, always going to grocery store and she still cheated on me. From my pov is cheating.

What should i do? I'm severely depressed.

>>14146334
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Teu34i1eVZU

>>14146351
ask yourself if you'll ever be able to forgiver her and move on. if not, break up.

>>14139269
I remember the last time this image was posted for one of these threads. For some reason I basically recorded a what was going down in my mind during manic psychosis.
Those are great for writing by the way. It allows you breach the wall of reality, to believe what's in your writing more than reality. Same as William Blake merely recorded the flashes of lightning darting through his mind. I am able to believe more, and perhaps that what psychosis is, an exaggeration and agitation of the faculty of belief.
A poet who does not irrationally and devoutly believe in that spectacular and audacious revelation, that stunned, dumbstruck awe in a faith that something else is speaking to him from another dimension, another world, he will lack conviction and will fall short.
That image is no coincidence, because it reminds me exactly what the experience is like. You see past the inner light of your own mind with its horizion (the edge of the mortal world represented by the curved line bisecting the image). The sun is the inner sight, the center of consciousness.

The pilgrim or supplicant, here seen seeking heaven, is much like the writer following divine inspiration attempting to see through the world to the greater world beyond it. In this way in the best moments writing fiction is like the acts of a God creating a world. Writing fiction is the closest approximation of what it might be like to experience the Mind of God.

I'm a completely emasculated "herbivore man". Not a manly bone in my body. I'm neurotic like a cat and depressed like a bear. I tried dating a girl and felt nothing for her, I tried to join the army but got turned down for being depressed, I tried being a tranner but I'm paradoxically still too masculine for that, at least my body is.

Not sure what the rest of my life looks like. I fill out spreadsheets for 40 hours a week, come home, do phenibut, and listen to podcasts. I used to masterbate and play video games, but those don't do anything for me anymore. I basically don't have any relationships with people anymore

>>14143385
i agree with this principle, and the most based religions all have themes of sacrificing a part of yourself to gain a higher being and understanding of self. Remember that Odin also gives up his eye for wisdom, and its implied that Heimdall had to cut off his ear and leave it in Mimir's well to gain his enhanced senses. Tyr sacrificed his hand to bind the Wolf and prevent the world from being consumed. Its a very common theme.
>>14143712
i wont make it, but im glad you will anon, ill try
>>14143926
i too am a husk of a human being, which as a male is worse because no woman wants to be a net for some loser
>>14144155
bless me with the penta dubs of mystery oh Kaunan
>>14146383
based post

>>14146383
Happy to have posted it both times anon, I'll be sure to do it again ;)

>>14146394
>I fill out spreadsheets for 40 hours a week
Like data entry or accounting? If you're doing data entry I'd suggest trying to automate some of your work (not telling your boss, obviously).

Other than that I don't know anon. Have you tried doing a sport? Every few months when I get exceptionally lonely I'll start going to the local climbing gym, it's filled with normies but they're friendly and you get to work out at the same time.

>>14146394
>I tried being a tranner
It's genuinely disconcerting how often you come across this.

>>14146394
Go running and start hitting the gym.

I look out the window and realized the reason I was feeling so good is that it's snowing. Something about how the air feels, maybe.
I wish it would never stop snowing, I wish that it would just snow forever and ever and ever.

>>14146437
Just move north/south enough.

My mind feels like it has been sieged, battered by catapult rocks, shaken and set on fire. I can see it in the fragmentation of the sentences I've been writing. I've been tempting fate pushing my body to extremes embracing chaos, slipping into a delirium of chaos. It feels good despite the pain but I can't help but wonder if I will look back in complete shock and disbelief in myself.

>>14146423
It seems like a very common escapist fantasy for less physically inclined males. You get valued for who you are, not what you can do.

>>14146467
>for less physically inclined males
What? Unless you have some sort of disability being "physically inclined" is entirely a matter of training.

>>14141422
are you me

>>14146500
What's your story?

>>14146394
dont do it anon, i try not to shit too much on people for their degeneracy because i know its not their fault they live in sodom and gomorragh, i just try to warn them and pull them out of it.
just remind yourself every time you want to be a girl that the only transgender roman emperor in history crucified his doctor when he refused to perform a surgery on the emperor that would remove his male genitals and cut a hole in his stomach to make him a woman.

>>14146488
People have different starting points, not everyone has the habit of exercising.

>it's an amerika does a coup in south america episode
hey magatards, wasn't your guy supposed to be against this kind of shit?

>>14146586
You would think they would have learned to not try to be commies by now

Love being alive

>>14146614
be an anti-commie at home all you fucking like, just stop fucking with other countries
maybe mao had some good points

>>14139269
disco music

>>14146627
No, communist countries need to be destroyed from within in order to stop the rot from spreading.

>>14146627
Silence communist

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

>>14143035
Hey, this reminds me of DFW's "Soul is not a Smithy"

>>14140749
>Obsessively trying to change other people's minds is really gay
Yeah, christians, trying to change other people's minds is really gay

>>14146351
Move on, anon. It’s almost impossible to recover a relationship where a woman is not devoted to her man and only him. If you were to continue, it would only prolong the inevitable.

Mom is overweight and a type 2 diabetic. She recently got her blood works back and now she's apparently even more unhealthy/at risk of dying now that ever. After getting the news she just went back to literally laying in the couch all day and watching tv. Asked her if she wanted to go to the gym with me and she said no because exercise hurts her knees or something. Asked her if she wanted to me help her with her meal choice and she said no. I used to be a fat fuck, she's seen me lose 40 pounds, she knows I know what I'm talking about and not just talking out my ass when it comes to weight loss. The only thing she does is rely on her home remedies because fucking facebook told her if you cut a couple of lemons and put them in water and drink the water in the morning you'll magically lose weight. Also she worked for 30 years as a registered nurse.

fuck I'm running out of time

>>14146045
see ya in boot camp
>>14146047
if you want to retire at 30 you need at least 3 mil.

>>14147069
Nah, you only need like 1 million.

>>14147163
maybe if you're living off 2 grand a month with no debt and houses/cars paid off

>>14147205
If you follow the 4% rule that's 40k a year. To many that's plenty of money. It's more than I make now so.

>>14147224
do you want kids, anon? a family? what if your father becomes disabled and you have to support him? what if YOU get injured and have to take out a significant sum in a down market? what if you change your mind about retirement completely, only to realize you're a 50 year old man who hasnt worked in 2 decades? the point is there is a lot of uncertainty over a 60 year early retirement

>>14147069
You joining up as well?

>>14147299
My parents are loaded so that's fine, and if I get injured I live in a country with free healthcare. If I change my mind I guess I'm fucked, I'll just have to try and fill my time with something else I find meaningful.

>>14147313
yeah lets do it, fuck books desu

>>14141119
I think it's this belief comes from self-realization through cognitive behavior therapy. The best way to understand our flaws and why we feel the way we do, is to write it down and interact with it. This can help us realize what we have been through and why we feel our emotions justify our thought process. Since humans are prone to bias and delusions, it's not so simple to use the injustices of your life to validate committing your own. People figure this out by interacting with their work. And for people who believe that the universe is an internal system--since there is nothing outside the universe acting upon it, it would have to create itself with all its limits and possibilities-- it's not so far off to think that this brain is interacting with it's great work.

But I'm still learning and asking questions.

>>14139269
I hate Wuthering Heights

I'm very emotionally attached to the idea of humanity exploring the cosmos, kind of a Russian Cosmism thing. It's what we were born to do. Experience God as God's eyes. This narrative has been the most constantly compelling through out my life

The food delivery man mouthed off at me because I didn't give him a tip and I wanted to punch him but didn't because I don't want the police here. Get a REAL fucking job and maybe you won't have to beg for tips like a 13 yr old kid.

>>14147781
>We embarked on our journey to the stars with a question first framed in the childhood of our species and in each generation asked anew with undiminished wonder: What are the stars? Exploration is in our nature. We began as wanderers, and we are wanderers still. We have lingered long enough on the shores of the cosmic ocean. We are ready at last to set sail for the stars.

Goosebumps

>>14139269
I feel like my life's a bizarre point where I don't know what I'm doing, yet everyone keeps telling me that I should or that I actually do and just overreacting.
I don't know why I haven't felt happy in years, but maybe that's a lie because I've felt "happy" but I always feel like my default is a solid 5/10. I don't feel "right" but I also don't know how to "be happy." Fuck I moved across the country to try and find something diffrent, and I'm planning an international trip in a few months not to actually visit my friends, but just to have a goal I can set my mind to.

I have not told anyone about these feelings because when I did, I got dismissed and the person I told it to started talking about their seasonal depression and how it's worse.

I’m 21 years old
Posting on /lit/

I’m a fatboy with boobs
My life is shit

An hero
An hero
An hero

>>14147793
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

>>14147786
asshole
>>14147841
>I feel like my life's a bizarre point where I don't know what I'm doing, yet everyone keeps telling me that I should or that I actually do and just overreacting.
plot twist: no one has the slightest clue of what they are actually doing. Literally, just act confident, or at least believe in your own self-efficacy and you'll go far

I'm drunk and looking at transition timelines again

>>14147841
I've found that striving for happiness is a zero-sum game. There's always a come-up and a come-down. If life is a series of ups and downs for me, I'd rather stay at neutrality. Paradoxically enough, from this realization I've found myself enjoying things more and more: books, mathematics, my classes, everything which I forced myself to do for various reasons (reputation, intelligence, academic accomplishment, etc). I've never dealt with major depression though, only anxiety from a bad trip. Meditation has helped.

>>14139828
Iago was a jealous little bitch
If you wanna emulate that kind of rationale, id evaluate a few details if i were you

I am painfully afraid this is how I'm living my life

I am not happy with my life and I want it to be better but I feel like I'm struggling to make a meaningful change

help me

Met my halfsister for the first time yesterday. I'm elated. And she is too. She's known about me for at least the last 10 years but it was more of a rumour and no one knew for sure. She is beautiful and smart and level headed. I feel like a proud brother already. I am overwhelmed with joy.

Life is crazy!

>>14148089
I look out my window and worry that life is passing me by at a furious rate.

I worry that when I die, my friends will walk by my grave and say, "Here lies so-and-so, a good man, but rather mundane."

>>14147781
A part of me feels as if it's our job as humans to plant seeds across the lifeless cosmos. I know I don't have a logical reason to ascribe such a purpose to humanity, but I still do. It's like you said, it makes us closer to God. I just fear that the desire for space exploration is being dominated by materialist and agnostic powers, as many religious people don't care for such things. Religion has unfortunately become too worldly to care about such lofty things.

>>14139269
Memes are like mind viruses. I need to cut them all from my life, as they corrupt my thoughts. Ever since I started meditating, I have noticed that there is a solid chunk of my mind that exists as a memes database, none of which are beneficial in any way.

tired and i have to pee

waiting for something nice to happen in life

excited for something?

>>14139285
Might be cracks. In the teeth.

>>14147027
She's just lost the will to live. But do keep pushing her. You might even want to do the whole "mom i don't want to lose you"-stichk.

>>14139269
I've reconnected with an old co-worker of mine that just now starting college. When I first meet her, she was still a minor, but she brought me a lot of happiness simply by staying positive while most of the people we worked with were jaded ass holes. I did not allow myself to have sexual thoughts or feelings about her then because of her age, and still don't, but whenever I talk to her I feel happy in a way that I have never felt around women and the more I find out about her the more she seems to fit into my ideal romantic partner. Even though she's an adult now, I would feel strange starting anything with her because of our age gap, but as someone that's never felt love before I'm beginning to wonder if this is what it feels like and if I should act on it.

big ol jill quaker
her dad was a baker
who worked in the service of giants
she stuck her thumb in her cunt
and pulled out a bundt
which measured at least five foot square

>>14148159
do it

>>14147883
Get a real job and stop looking for handouts.

>>14148244
based

>>14147781
One of the few things that makes me tear up is watching rocket launches. Everytime SpaceX does a livestream, I start to choke. I can't watch it with people around.

>The elders now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for chilfren and love chatter in place of exercise. Elders are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They contradict their children, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their keepers.

I feel an intense anger against older generations, they've fucked up our society and environment and have left us with bad tools to deal with the problems they've left. I would be proud to know that people centuries, or even millennia from now are taught to revile our contemporary elders. Let "OK Boomer" ring down through the centuries and be found on every infants lips from now on.

>>14148126
I'm scared to find out what the people in my life actually think about me

>>14148395
anytime i hear someone complaining about this meme or saying people are misusing it, i just say "ok boomer".

i dont care if people misuse it, my sister and I have been fucked by my family and parents harder than anyone I know and they still treat us like animals afterwards, you can't possibly understand the burning resentment I have towards them, how much those two words sum up my agony and feeling of betrayal

>>14148395
Every time I hear that phrase I think of this song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHMrqVtyyn0

I hate a man.
I have an exam for Biological Psychology soon that I am not looking forward to doing.

It stirs up an old memory.
The lecturer of the unit already has his image soured in my mind. This is due to his negligence towards the students, their feedback about him not being taken and him showing a hard-ass exterior but has an utterly lazy approach in reality. And not to mention failing more than 1/5th (including me) of the class the last semester due to a technical issue outside of our control.
Our online submission system had a rollback for whatever reason, and his response was "nope, sorry, your fuck up, see you next year." and that was it.
We all groaned, saw the dean and was told that we weren't going to be academically penalised in the long run but that the timing is too convenient for the submission (which is fair since this was a month after the submission date). We were told we would have to redo the unit. I'm pretty sure a person quit their degree because of this.
But the rest of us decided to redo it, our passion for this field however was utterly snuffed out however.
We came back this semester, and endured the pain together.

I cringed as I listen to him mumble over the content of the slides, reading them word for word, offering "explanations" that are just rehashing sentences he has already said but with synonyms.
He asked for people to be 'clear and concise" with their answers, yet he cannot ask a question without implications, hidden meaning, double negatives or having them be a paragraph long. He made me realise that there's a difference between asking a question in an academic testing way, and then there is not knowing how to ask a question: but trying to make a question seem academic by making it complex.
Many students this semester have received passes and credits, but very few had distinctions on their semesterly assignment. With the most feedback being given is one word answers - "Unclear, Good, incorrect" offering no additional information.
I thought it was just from misinterpreting the question, many others said they got low marks but passed.
Now, I had thought this was coincidence, but when I had shown the question to a Doctor of BioChem w/ Education Dip , who is also a lecturer at the same uni (not my course, but a friend); they literally said "That's not even a question, how were you even assessed on this?"
And then it clicked.

I've realised that the lecturer is like a teenager with no motivation - he's just winging it. He feigns interest, and doesn't care for others education.
He's doing the bare minimum to make it each year. He's not incompetent (I mean he's at least teaching a unit so that's something), just incredibly fucking lazy.
I have even noticed that questions in the mock exam are literally wrong. Like they contradict what we were taught levels of wrong. Like he didn't have someone else do the mock test beforehand.
I just don't want to redo this unit. I'll take a 50, that's fine.
Fuck you P. Fuck you.

I couldn't sleep yesterday. Everytime I closed my eyes, my mind would shout "Go Home!" again and again and again. I don't know why. The voice in my head was loud as hell.

>>14148475
Mathew have my babies UwU

>>14148475
Not your blog etc. etc.

Two questions;
How old are you? Because when I think of a University student complaining about something, it's normally a person that just left high school.

Is the lecturer unironically a boomer? sounds like a boomer.

The tv is full of gimps.

>>14148528
24, I started late.
I don't know if he's a baby boomer, but he's definitely got that boomer aura about him for sure.
He thinks he's a comedy genius which is obnoxious, and enough for me to pause the lecture to take a shower.

>>14139269
I actually don't know if I should read The Idiot, IJ, or Ulysses next and its tearing me apart inside.

lucky i found my brothers weird ass book collection when i was a kid. the had some cool fiction books in the 70s 80s. i lost it somewhere though

>>14139407
I thought I was bad off. I traded my soul to the devil for a Lego set when I was 10. But now I think I got a good deal reading the bargains you are trying to make.

>>14148567
Why not read them chronologically in the order they were published so that your understanding and experience of them can mirror the reaction and experience of Western civilizations encounter with those works.

I like to think that the biggest "conspiracy" of all conspiracies is that simply we're just that fucking dumb. Abusive and incompetent people come to power, poverty, crime and world hunger persists with hardly anybody batting an eye, it's all because we're unconcious delusional baboons turning the cogs in the wheel that is our increasingly degenerating society. This world's going to hell because that's what our primitive instincial collective minds prefer, for selfish survival and need to maintain the status quo

>>14148765
But objectively everything is much better now than 10k years ago. We live like electric gods in lightning palaces and dine with exquisite opulence on the fruits of the world we have conquered. No doubt our existence will seem unholy and disgusting 10k yeas from now and thier existence 10k years hence will be as Gods of unimaginable peace and splendor.

>>14139269
I wish I could commit either to writing something socially or philosophically meaningful, or accepting that basically what I want to write is a rather shallow character comedy script. My brain keeps trying to turn the latter into the former.

>>14148790
did you know basically all generators in the US are in sync at 60hz? boggles the mind really.
when you plug in your toaster some generator somewhere gets a tiny bit of a boost to keep the grid supplied. plug in your phone, same shit. electricity's taken for granted but it's an engineering marvel

How do you guys go on knowing that suffering this month until it's over is only an invitation for more suffering later, for more pain? If it's not getting better, what do you do? All I can do now is distract myself and act like nothing is wrong.

We are doomed as a civilisation. We missed the opportunity in the 1960s. We could have transcended earth. We could have channeled our soul into the stars and conquered the Universe. Instead we have consumed ourself. Our birth-rates sag, the only evidence needed for our decline, we are subconsciously wiping ourselves out as if we knew our own failures on a metaphysical scale. The future is Chinese, now, because we listened to the fucking ‘68ers who thought free love was a political ideology. 3000+ years of Greco-Roman and then Christian-Faustian striving, to guarantee the human rights of foreign lands who would cut all our heads off if they only could. We are doomed.

>>14149870
Meh, I'm sure it'll be alright.

>>14149870
Everything that is apart must come together
Everything that is together must come apart

>>14149870
>The future is Chinese

lmao, they are just a western pseudomorphosis

It's a very jingoistic and cucked day for Americans. Don't forget to suck the dick of your state's aggressor of corporate interest in thanks for defending your freedom to be unknowingly complicit in foreign affairs for the sole motive of profit and then have the still living corpses cast aside once they return home from that most noble of endeavors.

majorities have power, minorities have privileges

>>14150071
get a real hobby, politics is not one

Turns out the chick I had a massive crush on (this being years after not having one) is basically a lite instawhore. Thing is she also reads and writes a lot (ya admittedly), is working on an PhD, loves kids and God. I want to figure her out. Is she basically the product of a young attractive girl in a society that gives her attention just for existing? Genuinely asking here, not an intel btw

I love her
I worship her
I don't want to worship her but I can't help myself
She gives me strength
She's in most of my dreams
If I get better it's because of her
I wanna get better for her
I don't even want to date it marry or fuck her
I just want to make her happy and be her friend
If there is such thing as love and if I am capable of anything I'll be everything for her
I know I don't treat her right but that's my only goal
If I want to be a certain Ain kind it's for her
Always

Anger rips me apart inside even though I know it is detrimental to me. It is a very micro feeling to have as when you are angry at being wronged you feel the whole world is looking at you, or even cares, but they don't. It just seems that way because the feeling is intense enough to pull you out of the moment and into your own head. It's unproductive but if you can let it go you become invincible.

I’ve seen so many billboards from BT recently, in London and in Yorkshire, with blatant Orwellian propaganda printed on them. The one in London was the most ominous. It was attached to a huge intertwining archlike structure held up high and proud in the air with the words “TECHNOLOGY WILL SAVE US” printed on it. I just thought, ‘it’s over. They’ve won.’

I need people for my mental health. Engaging in social events is the best, but I'm very anxious and my social skills are at sea level.
Wonder if there is a way to get more naturally social

>can't stop staring at the attractive piece of meat working at the desk every day

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

>>14151302
eat it

>>14151368
I fucking wish, I found out we live in the same building, a few rooms down even. I don't know what to do with this information.

>>14151381
don't just wish for it, eat it.

>>14151384
I've sworn off eating meat. The last time I did, I got indigestion. You're right, there's nothing to worry about, I should just eat it.

>>14151411
if you're not gonna eat it, stop staring at it then, and furthermore, stop pestering the void about it

>>14151451
I'm just appreciating its aesthetic beauty. Don't I have the right to? The shape of it is absolutely perfect, meaty in all the right places, I bet it'd be delicious. But it's not my meat- I know I can't just eat it. What if someone was saving that for later? See, the void must know what to do about it, it must know more than me at least. Goddamn am I hungry

>>14139269
Glowniggers just realized we all hate ourselves and incubator babies don't make for a good chapter in the history books. I want to fight them tooth and nail but then again i really fucking hate the vice news generation of self-hating, culture less moronic freaks that came out of the value-void society we entered in the post cold war years. But then again the glowniggers are using their stratcom units to push obscene fallacies that you know will lead to an even worse state of mind for most people. But then again i do fucking hate the fact that most uni exchange students cant help but point out how devoid of thought the EU zone has become. But then again glowniggers are rude motherfuckers that ruin everything they touch.

I really really hate what we are and where we are heading. Its all shitfucked and we have no choice but to eat the shit while thanking the glowniggers for teaching us left from right and up from down. Fucking fuck, the post trump years will be psychological torture.

And i also really fucking hate fellows from the Reuters institute of journalism.

I knoww that I'm dyinggg and I wish I could beg, for some moneyyyy to take me from the old. main drag

My fuel is pure stubbornness. I'll go to the grave with something intact. The price is loneliness.

I finally got the courage to call a therapist and the line just rang and rang. Went to voicemail. Called again later and the same thing. Maybe this is just to torture people like me who call because they have anxiety.

Every philosopher gets pinned to determinism sometime in his career and doesn’t know how to free himself. There is a history-long psychological battle with the idea of determinism. This is a surefire indication that something in the traditional doctrines needs to be changed (or completely ignored, more likely,) but what? For one, we must put thought in its correct sphere and weed the construction from the reality. I cannot know if this world is either perfectly deterministic or indeterministic . All I know is what strikes me, whatever state of affairs happens to envelop around my moment of awareness and permeate my form of mind.
If fate splits into a fork at each moment, and both prongs are real as can be but I only experience one of them, I still live in a deterministic world. But not to be bewitched by the word “deterministic”! If this is the privileged existence and all others mere dead potentials we can draw the following arguments:
Either those potentials at one state of our universe were equally or at least fractionally as likely as any of the others that we might experience next (“in reality”); or, they were never really viable alternatives at all and this is a perfectly deterministic universe without physically possible alternatives. (A favorite set of collapsed states in the wave function was picked out by Zeus at the moment of creation, to be realized in the evolution of the universe.)

>really low libido, can occasionally jerk off to completion, but can't always finish even after abstaining for weeks
>Can barely motivate myself to even masterbate, almost no desire for sex with a real life person
>Crippling self image issues, literally diagnosed with body dysmporphia
>No connection to traditional masculinity
Is it okay to look for someone to just be a romantic partner? I'm not interested in sex I guess, I would do it for someone if they wanted it or force myself to pursue it to keep a schedule or whatever, but I can't ever see myself "chasing" after girls like I see other males doing. I just want intimacy and companionship with someone I find aesthetically appealing and emotionally compatible. An equal partner, someone I can respect. Is this just what a normal relationship is and I'm overthinking it? Or am I "demisexual" or whatever meme that is

>>14151674
Sounds really gay. I don't worry about determinism at all, whatever will be will be

>>14151716
You must not be a philosopher then.

>>14151578
I called some therapists a few years ago, every single one went to voicemail. Only one called me back but my phone never rang, she sent it right to voicemail to tell me she won't be taking any new patients without referrals. So I need to get one of the people who won't call me back to refer me to her who won't even talk to me directly. I called every office in my town. Probably about 12-15 numbers. Mental healthcare in the US is a joke.

>>14151711
>not wanting to fuck and fuck around with her body freely for few days because you are lazy volcel and incel at the same time
What happened to you?

poop poop poopaloop

I blame lesbian porn for all the trannies. It makes being a girl look like too much fun.

>>14139269
How do I deal with body dysmorphia? Should I just walk naked with erection in women's dressing room in swimming pool and ask them what they think of me?

>>14151738
I was raised super religious and didn't learn how to be in a relationship or how to have a sexuality?
>>14151952
Hey, I'm really suffering here

>>14151737
I called a university psych department that is supposed to take everyone. They’re probably closed since it’s Veteran’s Day. I’ll have to try again tomorrow.

>>14151711
Sound a bit like you've really repressed your sexuality?

>>14151978
I am too. I don't give two fucks about whether people think I have personality or not but I give two fucks about whether my body right now looks good or not.

>>14148401
If they're in your life I think you will find that they think positively of you.

>>14152010
Work out man. It will build your confidence regardless of whether you look good.

Or, believe it or not, download the gay app on grindr and post your torso. Gay men are the most obsessed with the male figure. If you get messages it means you're working with something.

>>14151990
Maybe? I'm not conciously repressed. I'll watch gay or tranny porn sometimes, I just don't really like any sort of sexuality or at least don't desire it

>>14152020
I started with the first.
I don't have phone.

>>14152032
Post a pic?

I don't actually know how to move forward with life. I've decided that academic study is the only rational move at the moment but it's so forced, a lot of it for the fact that starting in spring-time semester means only few courses are open, mostly in humanities.
So now I'm sitting here debating with myself what to double major along with philosophy, the two most prominent subjects being either general and comparative lit or EA studies (and along with that studying Japanese, just because why the fuck not learn a 4th language and just maybe I could work in translating works). All that being said I'm probably only gonna go with one of the two aforementioned subjects for one course since in fall time all courses will open and I will most likely switch to environmental studies (philosophy is still gonna be in that double major, though).
And ALL THAT being said I don't actually want to go to uni, I feel so much more comfortable studying these fields on my own and I do actually have the discipline to learn them on an academic level. I just feel like conforming with society is easier than confronting it (walk the usual path, with all the banal achievements you absolutely "have" to acquire), even when I really am not sure what I want to do with life. I'm just looking for ways to move forward, I hate being stuck in my current situation, but I'm so scared that in my rush to progress myself I'm making a time-wasting mistake...
Holy shit, sorry for the long read if anyone kept going to this point.

>>14152041
>>>/fa/14782151
>>14152047
If you are not exactly creative like me or rather if you have boring life like me then translating is comfy af. Shmafuly it seems like yet another literary sphere where actualy nepotism likely rules.

>>14152091
>>>>/fa/14782151
You look pretty good here. Visibly defined abs, a nice peppering of body hair around your chest and midriff. A bit skinny but not so much that your ribs show. That's a solid 8/10 by my faggot standards.

i watched Woman In The Dunes today and while i enjoyed it i also deeply regret not reading the book instead because i didn't know there was one.
this happens every damn time

I feel euphoric as I sit listening

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8SCorW9r_Is

Whenever I find an actually good anime or TV series I get stressed out and try to prolongue watching it as much as possible, like I'm worried I'm not going to enjoy it as much as I could possible have or something. Meanwhile whenever I watch some isekai shit I'll just do the whole 12 episode series in one sitting.

Tooth aches. Ebola virus. Nuclear incidents. War. Tidal waves. Dead babies. Meteor impacts. Serial killers, Black holes. Starvation. Carnivorism. STDs. Gangrene.

An omni-belevolent God.

Of these two I only doubt one.

>>14153278
>black holes
>relevant to the problem of evil
huh?