/lit/ - Literature

>>13984600
I wish I was respected.

This is the third day in a row I've broken down crying alone in the bathroom. I have no one to reveal my vulnerabilities to because I don't trust anyone not to take advantage of it.
I get so fucking jealous of women whose fathers really loved them.

>>13984600
Llistening to Santo and Jhonny, trying to get a following on twitter.
It's not really working though, I get the likes on my comments but people don't follow me.
fook

I just want to feel desired.

>>13984600
I have been fighting depression for a decade. My doctor insists on keeping busy but I can never sustain it. There doesn't seem like any good argument against suicide exists.

>>13984615
Crying feels good

>>13984626
It does.
But, maybe I'm selfish for this but I know I want something more. When I cry I fall forward again and again, hoping for arms to come catch me and hug me and tell me how to live my life and stop embarrassing myself.

Earlier in my life I was told that Christ’s ascension to heaven cheapened his sacrifice because what is temporary pain compared to eternal salvation. I think to restore Christ’s dignity he should not have ascended to Heaven. I think it would be better if Christ really was a man who was possessed by the idea that he was God and must die for our sin. After his death his great sacrifice cleansed is of our sins but he was not allowed into Heaven retroactively.

>>13984621
God, why are therapists so fucking useless and clueless. It‘s almost comical.

>>13984619
>trying to get a following on twitter.
Why would you want that?

>>13984646
could be useful to promote stuff in the future

>>13984638
I had a similar problem and the lecture someone give me was that I cared too much about what other people think. So what if I break up in public? I gotta just own it, after all I like how it feels to cry. We are taught all our lives that some emotions are embarrasing, or you shouldn’t feel them, but to be alive is to feel, the stronger the emotions you feel the more you feel alive, so even if it’s strong anxiety, panic attacks, uncontainable sadness, you will return to them because you never felt so strongly before. After this though you have to realize that you can focus all that energy that you have into other things, if you feel like talking to a stranger, asking a girl out, just do it. Get to know what triggers the events, write what sensations you have when you are about to break up, the sounds you hear, the colors you see, the smells, what you feel in your feet, in your hands, etc. and then you will learn to control yourself, and you will like being in control.

>>13984621
>My doctor insists on keeping busy
That's good advice.

>I can never sustain it
Why?

>There doesn't seem like any good argument against suicide exists.
I'm sure there are

>>13984653
Sure, I guess.

Promotion doesn't necessarily equate to sells though.

This:

Non-violence commonly means: don't punch someone and don't call him an asshole.

I think one has to go further than that. To stand authoritatively in front of another person and to exlaim "I am the son of God" is also a forceful, violent act, like gripping a clay person and squishing it, his belief in Jahwe leaving his body like the juice of squeezed lemon. The parent, too, is an oppressor, a violent creature, of his child.

Every relationship in which a person actively or passively changes another person is an act of force; and I'd say: if no consent is given, an act of violence. One cannot help but be violent, one is born violent. Even the wordless Buddha is violent, because he is visible; his gesture is clear as day, and, if he wants it or not, exerts violence on those who see it.

The only way to live in non-violence is to leave society and to live alone until non-existence - one should also hide his corpse and traces of living, if possible. People should see each other as little as possible and only in the time of procreation. The raising of the child should have as its primary goal his autonomy; for if the child is autonomous, he can live alone. Violence will necessarily occur, but it will be reduced to a minimum. Not procreating at all is preferable. Disperse and cease.

>>13984738
Finally some good fucking food

One of my coworkers(not a boss but someone highly educated and important) who normally dislikes other people praised me highly yesterday. I did enjoy it but it makes me anxious that I have standards to live up to now. My mind starts wandering and I start losing my focus. I am best off working alone.

Nothing, what the hell

I wonder what life is like in west Europe and North America. Is it really better than in Kazakhstan as it seems?

>>13984615
>I get so fucking jealous of women whose fathers really loved them.
It's okay dudette, I have mommy issues. The way I was raised caused a lot of trauma to me. I sometimes imagine that my life would have been better if my mom loved me and that that's the only thing that I want.

>>13984789
Mister /pol/-man, that meme is old.

>>13984816
I never visit that hellhole, It's probably the anti psychotics which elevate me to NPC tier

>>13984842
bipolar or schizophrenic by chance?

>>13984921
Neither. Im healthy.
Forced to take them because studying from my parents basement

>it’s another episode of “procrastinate this huge assignment, worrying all day if you’ll even finish it.”
I hate school. If only I could get a job right now that made decent money and I could come home smelling like metal and dirt and feel tired enough to be relaxed and content but not so tired and beat down that I feel bad. But I’m not expected to do that, no. I have much more “potential.” All because I did well on tests in high school. I have to prove that someone like me can rise above his environment and make himself stand out. The only thing stopping me from going the comfy route is worry of regret, and shame from the people who’ve praised me all this time. Looking back, all that praise was great in the moment. I even miss it. But all of it means nothing now. I hardly even stand out in uni. For so long, I’ve been number one, and now I have to confront the real world, where I am nobody. I’ve already accepted that I won’t be anyone special, but I do believe if my childhood were different, I could have had more advantages and opportunities. So now I’m focused on my future son, but now the question is how hard do I need to push myself for his sake.

>>13984600
I'm killing myself

>>13984790
well on one hand you have nice welfare, but you also have black people soooo

become a tradesperson dude. smart people are the best tradespeople and if you would love it, youre going to do much better than just as working as an educated office drone.

>>13985024
dont :(

Several lifetimes have passed, and the soul continues to work towards material enjoyment. This has caused the tree to expand its roots of desire farther and has become huge. Yet, this tree can be cut with dispassion says, Lord Shree Krishna. The remedy for the soul’s never-ending suffering is asaṅg, which means detachment. The axe of detachment can cut the roots of desires which are nourished by the three modes of material nature. The Lord further explains that this axe of detachment can only be developed with the knowledge of the self. One has to realize that, “I am not this material body, but an eternal spiritual being. The everlasting happiness that I pursue cannot be achieved with material things. My endeavors towards gratification of the material desires of this material body have no satiation, they are only getting me further trapped in the samsara or the web of life and death.” With detachment, one can stop further growth of the tree roots, and due to lack of nourishment, the tree starts to wither.

>>13984600
It's one of those days. I want to do stuff but I'm procastinating, wasting time on the internet, feeling kind of down.
Later I'll work out some two hours then maybe I'll feel better.
I'll walk my dog as well that's one fo the things I like to do.
Lack of company is quite painful when I have those days, feels like something his wrong.
I believe I'm better than myself from 1 year ago, I have stopped whatching porn for good, I'm studying and being more productive, working out and I have a few objectives but I feel like something is still missing and that something is friends and a social life.
Perhaps the future will be brighter.
Now I'm getting off my computer, I think I had enough for today.
Good luck everyone

>>13985188
Have you tried doing your workouts in the morning? I've heard - and think it's plausible - that the positive energy you create in the morning carries you through the day.

Xanax

Why the hell are liberals and the mainstream mania suddenly pro-war now that we want to take one stop towards fighting endless wars by leaving Syria??

>>13984738
You've stretched the concept of violence so thin as to render it meaningless. Violence is a concrete act of inflicting physical harm on someone. Other usages of violence, violent language, symbolic violence, is sjw twaddle.

>>13984640
He was a magician.

>>13985459
Are you retarded? First of all neoliberals and neocons have always been pro war. Secondly pulling out of a very small specific region in northern Syria which allows Turkey to invade and oppress the Kurds there like they’ve been doing for time immemorial while keeping the rest of the troops in the other regions there and engaging in proxy war by funding and arming different military groups is a lot different than “taking a step towards stopping endless wars”. More likely than not there was some sort of corruption involved here between trump and turkey.

BUT TO SOME EXTENT ITS NOT BUT AND RAHTER SIMP,L\y that the application is wrong . they wsee violence assd something that cannot be abandoned but rather and reoriented () BUT which as this isn't truly a end to violence we must strike to the core a bit more than purple hair vagina monoolog typa bitches

>>13985527
>always been pro war. Secondly pulling out of a very small specific region in northern Syria which allows Turkey to invade and oppress the Kurds there like they’ve been doing for time immemorial while keeping the rest of the troops in the other regions there and engaging in proxy war by funding and arming different
neo conservatism was the first ideology to be right about everything.

>>13985537
Lmao.

>>13985078
Is that from a gita commentary?

>>13985552
read strauss kristol and also just contemplate pictures of george hw bush while maybe kiissing them gently every f3w minutes. its a mysticism kinda think like st john of the cloud.

The day had finally come. I hadn't seen her in months. I must have been looking through the crowd for half an hour, but she wasn’t there. She should have been with her friends, but no, none of the little ones looked like her. But as I was walking some distance away, I hear my name called by a little girl, excited. It’s her. She’s running my direction. But she’s running parallel to me, looking beyond me. She was calling for one of her friends. My name is unisex, you see. So I kept walking, trying to settle my emotions. Later I got to see her well, and I realized what made her stand out so much. It’s those eyes. From far away, they still cut so much, they show so much purpose and intelligence. But I would be too preoccupied for most of the time, as I had chores to do. I realized later that, if I had just known what the order of events were, I would have opted to come later, for the final event, but I chose to come for the whole day. I regretted this, as I have been procrastinating on a school assignment. But by the final event, she left! She wasn’t supposed to, but she did. Had I done what I thought I should have done, I wouldn’t have been able to see her. It seemed like a coincidence, a sign. And what is this assignment I’m working on? A study of Petrarch, who was in love with a girl whom he never interacted with, always torn by his love of the world in conflict with his love of God. He wrote and wrote about her, but she never knew he existed. God is surely laughing at me.

>>13985490
I would'nt say that this concept of violence is meaningless; I think it describes something that is very real. Some form of change is enacted on another being, even if all you did was standing behind him; And this change destroys something that was within him and replaces it with something other. Most of the time, you do not ask the other person to enact change upon you; it just happends, constantly. Ideas you have are being destroyed and replaced; and so are your feelings and your behaviour.

I don't know.

>>13985206
Yeah, yesterday for instance I went out for a run early in the morning, the sun wasn't even up yet.
Felt really good all day, had great motivation and felt positive.
Perhaps you are right, the way you start the day really matters, I should make a habit of it.

I hate niggers, women and trannies so goddam much, its physically hurts

I wish I was able to see her one more time. It is the only reason why I am still working here, even though i despise the place. I am keeping it to myself because I know people won't be able to understand me.

It is not that I am in love with her, it is that she became precious to me even though we worked together for no more than three weeks. She appeared during a time I truly needed help and I realized she is giving me peace. Just one more time and I will be okay with leaving this workplace.

On the last day of a trip with some coworkers/acquaintances and i'm reminded of how horrifically unadjusted I am in comparison to regular people. I'm one of only two singles in a group of 6, and watching the couples interact is like watching something alien. I've had relationships so it's not the intimacy of the others that irks me so much as it is the blatant and toxic attitudes of these people that are in stable and long lasting relationships.
They act in ways I could never see myself treating my partner or wanting to be treated that way in turn. Maybe all the fiction and isolation as a kid has made me a hopeless romantic. Maybe i'm simply hopelessly out of touch with reality. All I know is that if this is what things fall into then maybe i'm better off living with loneliness.

Have I mourned enough, God? Am I worthy of being comforted? Even a lifeless death would put me at rest.

>>13984615
all women are whores. why would you be jealous of that?

how can i even keep going when i know i'am unlovable?

>>13986861
being "unlovable" just means you don't fulfill a whore's perverted desire.

>>13986899
i wish i believed that

>>13984600
I don't mind working a garbage job or being hated by everyone but it's being alone and without her that sends my heart into a heaving, sorrowful state.

I was just wondering if Brothers Karamazov is too big to start with for someone that is reading Dostoevsky for the first time (me)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oFyI5vlkec

>>13986177
same

>>13986899
How do you find somebody as perverted as yourself? I wanna do some weird, but wholesome, stuff.

>>13987010
Sounds rough anon.

>>13987093
you don't. you pray to God that you never find someone who fulfills all your perverted desires, and whose perverted desires are fulfilled in you.

>>13985490
Symbolic violence is based. Best kind of violence. If you have to make a diorama or a neologistic pun to take down an idea, you've transcended mad and become a minor god.

I feel like Angel's Despair from the Killer7 soundtrack really describes my mood and feelings on things these days. The scene in which it is used always comes to mind for me. It basically boils down to same shit different day ad infinitum. It makes me both laugh and stifle tears at the same time.

>>13985606
since I left you, my eyes are wet, my heart is heavy. You make me climb the tallest mountains, but now I’m in the lowest valley. The arrow is deep, too deep, in my heart. It would have been better if I never saw you. The road nearby matches your whole name perfectly, except for one letter, a constant reminder. What joy can replace the sight of you? How can I endure this suffering?

Money (a lack of), gf, family and general life stress, trying to get a house. My anger and temper have been gong crazy lately and I'm usually very chilled. My head feels fucked like I'm going insane.

>>13984783
Update: i was being overly anxious and there was nothing to worry about

When writing, how do you know what to show and what to tell?

I keep having impulsive thoughts about hanging myself with my belt and they feel very tempting. It's been getting harder to ignore them.

>>13988765
I used to have this vivid thought of jamming a gun into my temple repetitively any time I feel remotely stressed out. It was like I was trying to imagine myself committing suicide, but you can’t actually imagine yourself losing consciousness. So instead of shooting the gun, I just physically stabbed myself with it to the head, over and over, quickly. It was strangely therapeutic.

How I need to get back in shape before I die of fat

The whole "clean your room" thing isn't just a meme. By taking small actions to organize our surroundings we establish a psychic connection with the environment, a biofeedback loop that communicates our own behavioral efficacy. One's living quarters are a representation of one's inner life. If we leave our surroundings to decay and accumulate kibble (the residue of entropy) we will find our own minds decaying and growing disorganized.

This mind-environment psych-ecological connection is fundamental to all human life. What does it say that we pollute our environment both literally and with cultural trash ("buy mcdonalds!) ??

>>13987403
Lame.

>>13985613
You mean force. Force is a better word for it than violence. Force implies a neutrality, violence implies that someone is on the receiving end and it's not good for them.

i just unleashed the loudest longest BRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP just immense. I thought I was alone but from the stall across I heard quiet laughter. unfortunately I myself was overcome with a fit of laughing which only escalated the sociability of this porcelain moment.

>>13988927
That's pretty funny.

I’ve been very lucky in my life, many things seem to have happened perfectly, things I don’t really want to bring into words because I don’t want to jinx myself (lack of better word, I know it’s kinda superstitious). These occurrences have kinda led me down a solipsistic path, I’m starting to think everything is happening for a reason. I don’t know if I think this because of circumstances that by pure luck have happened to me, (like determinism e.g. born into a decent life without hardship so I end up taking it for granted and going crazy) or because in a way it is true. Anyway I think I might be close to dying and this time there won’t be a comforting coincidence to save me.

I love basic bitch chillwave/synthwave mixes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0svuurLibQ

>>13988927
pls be a girl pls be a girl pls be a girl

>>13988950
just say you like house so people can relate more

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJ9RPiVT-N0

>>13984600
I have fucked up and unrealistic views on romantic relationships. I know the exact demographic of women that I could make my gf in a few days, be it through my money, education or 6/10 looks. I also know that I could improve my looks by going to the gym more, cutting etc.
But it feels so empty and mechanical, like applying an algorithm. I want for it to just happen, even though I know this contradicts basic life experience and logic.
The more attractive I try to become the more I feel like a robot.

When should you abandon a story? I heard Gass say that he would write by re-writing and I understood what he meant, he said if he got stuck he would just go back and start again and the momentum of going through everything again would spur him along once he got to the part where he was stuck.

But what if you have restarted four times and you can't get past the one place? I feel like I have something to say with this story, but then I realise I've said it all, that it's not a very deep concept at all... I should just get rid of it and start something else but then I panic at what I could be leaving behind.

Whenever I try to fall asleep I feel like I am falling. I wake up in panic gasping for air.

People in ancient times may have had lives that were more fragile--and all the more precious-- to them, but I do believe that the world they experienced was far more richer, fuller, dripping with primordial truth and beauty, than our current times in their disinfected modernity.
The reason animist religions and so forth, the earliest religions, ever came to be is because the human spirit was so roused by the beauty and majesty and power of the natural world. The more we shut out the natural world--the more we put "industry" in its place-- the less of that sacred space.
Of course let's not delude ourselves, this is nature red in tooth and claw, not to unmindfully be slavishly emulated and adored. The cruel virus is the same part of this natural order, the black plague, untold deaths to unremembered tribes. It's all part of the same chaotic object.
Still, the timeless beauty of the past when it was truly beautiful, the stuff seen by the poets of old, redeems so much of that corruption.

I wake up every day hoping that someone kills me.

I don't have the balls to do it myself, and a cousin hanged himself a year ago and everyone was ten times more sad because his death was suicide.

How can I be myself when I don't even know who I am?

>>13989483
damn

Why must universities hire political agitators?
I'm here to learn about botany and this is what they give me

>What can I do?
>Support professional science and journalism. We need reliable information.
>Support democracy and the rule of law. We need governments that work.
>Lead. Aim to get ahead of the social averages, rather than staying back in the pack.
>Lobby. Make local MPs aware of your concerns.
>Speak up on things that matter.
>Re-think our personal consumption. Monitor personal footprint, save energy.
>Divest from the carbon economy. Don’t support carbon-intensive business.
>Oppose privilege; support equity and toleration. We are all in this together.
>Support cooperative effort. Local action matters. We can all make it more effective.
>Resist, but do it together with others, not by yourself.
>Persevere, and help others to persevere. This is a long game.
>Imagine a different future, and then live it

I don't want to be a part of your slavish pseudo-rebellious democratic mass of "climate allies", I'm only listening to you because I'm a captive audience for the period of my degree. If I see a Greta Thunberg quote in another seminar I will lose it. I WANT TO LEARN ABOUT PLANTS

On and on and on
Anon, anon, anon.

What are you supposed to do with the knowledge that humans can be bred like dogs? It's true of every species and type of organism as plain as day. If you can breed corn a thousand ways, peas, tulips, horses, cows, cats, dogs, why shouldn't you people? This is one of the great heresies of equalitarianism, the inexorable notion of biological inequality, the irreducible notion that for there to be anything besides self-replicating bacteria there needs to be difference. Difference is fundamentally different from equality, and even the notion of diversity, another liberal tenet, is entangled with this contradiction between difference and equality (sameness). You can't have diversity without difference (not-sameness) in the same way you can't have equality without non-difference.

The key difference between people and dogs is the cybernetic aspect; we are part of the same system under consideration. In the hubristic drive to understand what makes others tick so that we may control others, we discover the same soulless mechanism that makes ourselves tick. The result can be nothing short of a terror, a shocking revelation of the hated within oneself, the mind-numbing sameness of difference and difference of sameness.

>>13989751
>What are you supposed to do with the knowledge that humans can be bred like dogs?
I dunno. Don't have sex?

>>13988891
Hey! I've finally found someone else who subscribes to the idea of kipple! It's such a simple but true concept, I'm surprised to see that more people don't know about it.

I feel very lonely

>>13990002
Let's be friends

>>13989751
The concept of equality would be meaningless without difference. If I say that you and are equal, then there must be people who aren't equal or else what would be the point of me saying it?

Sorry for longer post. Just wrote this earlier for the catharsis. Not supposed to be eloquent of anything. Been a while since I've written anything, excuse any bad writing.


>Let me tell you of this new fantasy I’ve been having. Before I share, first let me explain: I’m so tired of being rejected. Jesus christ, I want to end it. Rejected, not by women, but just by people. Recently it happened at a family function. They don’t reject me outright, they just kind of take no interest in me, and I end up feeling like an outsider around my own family. My status is the low of the low. Worse, when I try to be personable I end up just digging this unlikable hole. Each time it happens I’m left more empty inside, and silently ostracized. No one would really say, “Hey, no one likes you here, you shouldn’t come anymore”, but they would think “Ugh, I’m stuck with [my name]”.

>This leads to this fantasy I’ve been having. I want to gather them all. Not for anyone’s birthday, or any holiday, but just a typical barbecue. Then when I arrive, I’ll wait for them to be irreverent towards my arrival. And, now I’ve not figured the method yet but I’m leaning towards the following: I want to arrive with a gun and shoot myself in the head and collapse on the floor. Maybe I’ll even yell in a gregarious party way “Heeeeeeeey!” and then when everyone looks **BAM!**. Immediately everyone will look and catch the last glimpses of my body limpidly falling to the floor. It would draw an obvious and immediate conclusion of what happened. Then someone or some few would run to my body and understand that what happened was irreversible. It would leave an unsettling feeling in their stomach, and the foresight of all the misery and grief, and for a moment, I would make them feel how I feel when I am sitting lonely in the corner, with no one really caring how I’ve been shut out of every conversation.

>The more I imagine them scrambling and cradling my bleeding lifeless body, the more comforted I feel. It’s the extent of events under which I would have to see their love, and the extent of events in which they can feel my pain. A little trade.

>>13986122
same

I'm reading this article that tries to show how the media equivocates between fascists and anti-fascists. While I agree that fascists are scum, vile demons, I do not agree in this melodrama that they are on the verge of taking over the world's democracies. The so called fascism of today is a writhing, pathetic abortion, completely at odds from the relatively successful fascism of the 1930s. The fascism of the 1930s was able to sway the common folk by the millions, not fill them with disgust and reprehension. The fascism of the past had the pretense of dignity until the last moment when the daggers came out. This pseudo-fascism is nothing but an ugly aberration, even more so than the abomination that inspired it.
For these reasons I see the action of anti-fa as doing little besides lend false legitimacy to an already doomed proposition. It's no coincidence that fascist and communist revolutionaries emerged in parallel, the both misbegotten ideologies feed each other and compel the other into antagonistic, cyclic movement.

>>13989483
Took me a while to figure it out to, but my understanding is that it's better to "be yourself" and not conform to everything.

I've re-written the same three scenes three times in the past four days. The first run was atrocious, the second was too cartoony and juvenile, and the third was entirely too much narration. I think I'm getting closer but I don't like being stuck in place. Even so, I think I've made progress, so all that is something

>>13990058
Is that really worth it though? A life for what, some petty revenge, or spite? I think you just need to find somebody else to talk to. Find somebody who doesn't know you at all and just talk. Be yourself. Don't try and hide anything. If your family doesn't care about you stop caring about what they think of you. Find another human being who will actually care for you, or at least accept you. Don't reject the entire world around you because some of it rejects you. Do something new and get out of whatever rut you're currently in. Trust me, it'll help.

>>13990008
ok :)

>>13990076
Post them so we can make fun of you

>>13990068
But I literally have no idea who I am. I have no identity.

>>13990593
Do stuff that sounds fun. Or let some hobby define you for a while. Just use your (probably miserable) time in a way that you wont regret. Focus on furthering your career path. This might be a good opportunity to write characters that arent you

Thats what Id do. I struggled with identity problems for years, not sure how I got out of it though.

the checkered czech checker checked checkered czech checkers checking checkered czech checks

>>13989634
You cannot do well out of university if you don't treat it like an autodidactic experience. If you want to learn about plants, start researching plants. Steer conversations towards plants and drop out of things unrelated. Just following the curriculum will get you nowhere, and the people who do the best out of degrees get there because they hog office hours with their personal interests, spend hours in the library pursuing their own ends, and book out all the lab space they can use.

>>13988924
Force or pressure, yes; though every interaction bears the risk of violence (force + bad outcome for the person on the receiving end + no consent given by that person to the violator). Since we cannot know what our actions will lead to, and do know that we have often been damaged by others and damaged others ourselves, knowingly and unknowingly, and do know that many people are brittle, the whole sphere of human interaction becomes unclear from the perspective of complete non-violence (as I defined it in my earlier posts). If I want to avoid all kinds of violence, and am not willing to take the 50/50 chance of inflicting violence by accident during human interaction (50/50 is not too far fetched of an estimation, I think), then some kind of alternative has to be considered.

The solution I proposed in my first post is, of course, very un-human-like. It negates most of what people think about when they think about being human, that is: being together with others. Though I think that there is a certain evolutionary charm to extreme deviation from the norm; as if humanity reaches a new level, or atleast branches out into different paths.

I'm feeling much better today. My body and mind felt so exhausted these past days, it's as if an impenetrable fog laid above them, preventing me from doing much of anything. Picking myself up to attend to a task seemed to take so much strength of will, more than I had to offer. Like I couldn't even respond to e-mails.
Yesterday I slept for 14 hours straight and since then everything is much clearer. The weather was beautiful out yesterday, I went for a ride on my skateboard and picked a sunny spot to read. I finally buckled down to write those mails, take on an extra shift at work, write an article and sort my laundry. I'm planning to go on another cruise today and hoping my mood will stay like this the following days.

Somewhere along the way I lost empathy I think. Before I would avoid any books with sad events as it was hard to read them, but now the extreme opposite seems to be true, I can read them just fine but don't feel much. I wonder what gives, not much has changed outside of me growing older

>in a normalfaggot group on whatsapp
>USSR comes up
>I rush in to enlighten them on commies and defend the Tsar (first time I message the group)
>I refer to His Imperial Majesty as 'His Imperial Majesty' (how else would I refer to His Imperial Majesty??)
>they make fun of me for it
>when I encounter of them a few days later they refer to me as the 'Tsar schizo guy' or 'God save the Tsar guy'
Why?

I love OHPing
I just wish I could shower with her and lay down and dry together afterwards, not saying anything
I wish I were reading Ernst Jünger, but Thomas Mann is also nice, and I'm almost done with Death in Venice
I'm halfway through Memoirs of Hadrian, it's good, but the best part thus far is in the beginning.
I like reading
I like lifting
I like praying
I don't like to live alone
I got some nice books from my aunt, the collected works of Selma Lagerlöf and some Swedish poetry. She got the poetry books from my grandpa, who died when I was six.

Life goes on. The things I wish were different, I drift towards in peace.

>>13991483
you deserve it for spending time learning the history of such a miserable country

>>13984600
There are usually very little active proponents of atheism who don't have a personal circumstance that is morally bankrupt and against God's moral law. Their active atheism is almost always motivated by their revolt against moral law and an attempt to justify the action to their conscience by positing an atheistic world-view. We should not take cases like Foucault dying due to aids infested orgies lightly. They are indicative.

>>13991518
Rat off frenchie.

>>13991483
1917 best year of my life

>>13991582
Kike detected

https://youtu.be/uEmPaTc589M
https://youtu.be/gvMDZag8-DE
https://youtu.be/6dc0l9tkQPU
https://youtu.be/RYgtczUqHQs
God save the Tsar!

>>13991483
>being referred to as the "God-save-the-Tsar guy"
Why do you consider this a bad thing?

>>13991647
I don't really but it seems they do

>>13991668
at least your not called the child shooter

Writing when I shouldn't.
Been waiting for something to move, stir - not today. Not today.

I feel I'm rushing through my days, and I don't know how to be differently.

>>13991483
>normies
>talking about the tsar
eh?

"you know what this needs?"
"a respite from your horsecrap to enjoy it properly?"
"Please, my horsecrap is a premium seasoning. No, what this meal needs is waffle fries. Seriously, whose toes do i need to suck to get some frenchies? I just got a mammogram from nineteenth century Ireland, they want their dearth of 'tates back."
"telegram!"
"dude, we don't have time to argue about obsolete forms of telecommunication, every moment we spend taterless is a moment we spend dead. clothes, shelter, casual banter, all that stuff is secondary. Id rather live off nothing but hash browns then keep going on like this, scurvy or whatever be damned! Wait, what disease would you get from eating nothing but potates? Come on Will, you're the expert here, fill me in"

>>13984600
[Coco Chanel Deserves to Live.]

>>13991806
No someone just sweepily mentioned the USSR in a non-serious discussion, so I approfited of the situation to tell them about the crimes of commies, the pseudo-russians, the kikes and from there to His Imperial Majesty's Christian Glory

>>13991967
Based, but also cringe and autistic

>>13991967
The Earth needs more great people like you.

My ex-girlfriend ended up our relationship because she wanted to transgender. It happened 2 years ago or so but I still tried having her in my life even though it killed me.

Ever since then I have been existing, not living, just drifting through days and months. The way I am right now is a proof it happened but nowadays I feel like it was just part of my imagination, a lie I used to tell people.

>>13990133
That's the issue. When I try to be myself, this narcissistic or awkward person comes out. Sometimes I'm charming and electric, other times I'm just plain unlikable. What exhausts me is the inevitable pendulum swing from charming to unlikable with nearly everyone I meet. And the time spent unlikable is far more than the charismatic electric part.

It's not just family, but friends I've had, acquaintances. I'm not going to kill myself, it just comforts me to fantasize about it in that way, where I can have such a commanding presence. Pathetic, but eh, at least it's an authentic feeling.

Life is exhausting. I hope I do not reincarnate, but if I do, I ask for mercy. I try to be good, I really do.

I wouldn't be surprised if 4chan wasn't real and you were all just products of my mind.

Do you have to read the Bible first to understand the Gnostic texts?

Not a very productive day. Woke up early with plans of going to Uni but it was raining a lot, so I've decided to stay in bed. Same thing with the afternoon classes. Slept trough the whole afternoon even tough I had plans of just taking a 1 hour nap the gettin up to write. Now I'm laying in bed, with a little pain in my throat and thinking about getting up and start that 20 pages essay that I need to send to my professor until next month. But it's very comfy here, in my bed, under the blankets, with cold feets and hurting throat.

>>13993964
Put on some socks and gargle some warm salt water, baka.

>>13991483
jesus i'm an autist and even i'd never be that cringeworthy. some passions should just be kept to oneself and away from normalfaggots

>>13993964
Sounds like you could use a bj from a qt anime girl.

>>13993964
Can I crawl in bed with you?

>>13985206
i should work out in the morning. i need some positive energy in my life. i keep falling into tthe old patterns of wagie in his cagie

I wish Jeff Bezos would buy the sign across from my apartment. It's already a kitschy and unflattering commercialist statement, and I'm sure the the owner of it would be more than willing to part with it for a price that Mr. Bezos would find negligible. I'd rather see the Amazon checkmark grinning with nihilistic efficiency than what I see now. It would be a sign of the times.
This man has more power than entire nation states. The least he could do is buy up this eyesore and replace it with something a bit more classy.
Please Mr Bezos, if you are reading this, buy up that sign. Replace it with your glorious emblem of transcendent hypercapitalism.

>>13993308
Trying to be a good person is the best we can hope for anon. I reckon you're going to be alright.

>>13994102
Ya, I'm going to try something that somewhat worked before. It's against my realistic side. But I'm going to try and put love into each interaction. Maybe I'll try and give love to those who I deem are deserving.

That feels dignified. So I go.

>>13987028
It's not that hard. If you want to deeply dive into it, I suggest that you read critical essays after finishing it; then reading it a second time.

>>13984621
suffering seems to be the default state of existence. hardly a reason to off yourself, though i suppose not particularly compelling of a reason to continue. Always someone to talk to here on /lit/ though, yeah?

>>13984931
...riiight.

My therapist thinks I should stop reading because he thinks I only do it to relate to the depressing narratives. I'm in love with my best and only friend, but she's so busy and distant that I feel I can't talk to her at all about my troubles, and it makes me feel alone in the world, but at the same time, I'm emotionally dependent on her.

>>13984600
I don't even know why I go to college. I work full time, then I go to college by night. I don't even feel passionate about my degree. I would rather stay at home and read until my eyes fell. I tried starting a diary to at least write something every once in a while, but everything is the same every fucking day. I had to go back with my mom since my apartment go infested and she is killing me

I think the coworker at my jobs hates that I'm paid more than him despite just being hired.

Have been really depressed lately, thinking about suicide a lot. I finally committed to seeing someone about it though. So I hope that goes well...

How can I stop this co-dependency? He just told me to 'fuck off', even though, I know I did nothing wrong so why would I still want someone that treats me like crap?

I remember my youth and the feeling that will never come back any more.the feeling that I could last for ever, outlast the sea, the earth, and all men; the deceitful feeling that lures us on to joys, to perils, to love, to vain effort to death; the triumphant conviction of strength, the heat of life in the handful of dust, the glow in the heart that with every year grows dim, grows cold, grows small, and expires and expires, too soon, too soon,before life itself.

time isn't real but i can't understand it my brain is what the hell it's just not real and it's not linear what does it mean

i am completely lost in the past. i am completely dissociated from present day reality. my imaginative pools span the entire width of my soul, my tasks and work seems only to be in service of trying to connect me to a past i might not have ever even had. time and space are something i walk around in in my mind, and time takes on particular spatial arrangements--like a well-organized upstairs bedroom of a colonial-style home. which i get lost in.

I keep writing, but think if i would ever show any of my "work" to professionals. I would be little more then a jock to them, toasted out the door before they got trough the first page

> got the dyslexia, audio books are a way of life, dragon dictation and grammar are life savers

>>13995604

critique is really important and helpful if you'd like to grow. of course, you can always just write for fun and let that be satisfying to you. good luck!

>>13984600
Girl texts me, but just as friends. I'm hardcore friendzoned and I just wanna get to the point where I can flirt, get her number and then maybe talk over the phone. Its all I want right now. I think she still texts me either because she wants me give me an oppurtunity to chance it over and over again or she actually like me as a person. Either way i'm fucking it up by talking about bullshit trivial shit we don't care about. I'm scared to make a move.

>>13995614

yes i know it just gets so frustrating going over a page a few time, thinking everything looks good then to have a friend read it and in the first few seconds of reading him go "that does not look right" are something, i would at least like them to enjoy it. i love critiques on plot and should the story go this way or that way. I can fix the plot, but i cant fix my self you know. (time to shill to a poor editor on fiver from a 3rd world country or something)

There's a special place in hell for people who think it's ok to walk into a restaurant right before it closes.

Will I ever find a gf?

>>13985078
But bro, what about love?

>>13986122
If they're also midgets it's okay though. Can't dislike a midge, so silly

>>13995790
Yes. On December 4th, 2019 at a clothing store. You will go in and look for a new shirt, there will be a qt3.14 working there hanging up some clothes nearby. Ask her for help, *YouHitItOff.jpg*, ask her if she wants to go out to a movie the next weekend. She will say yes. Get digits. Leave. Dont over text inbetween this meeting and your date so you don't appear desperate. God speed.

I lost a lot of data recently, I just remembered one thing I needed but I can't remember the full quote. It's something having to do with normal dogs and wolves, how wolves can present a nice appearance to get what they want, but can also turn to violence if need be, but dogs don't have that option. Something like that, I only remember it vaguely.

Someone here must know what I'm talking about.

I have a weird obsession with the thought that I will not make it to 30, it's very ingrained in my mind that I may actually kill myself at 29 if I don't just die a natural death by then.

>>13995885
Okay joseph, hopefully my doubts don't fail me.

>>13996098
Same as you anon, I'm 23 and I just can't see myself wagecucking in an office for more than 10 years

>>13996098
This is a natural death cope, you fear death so you seek to control it by declaring a date on which you will perish.

You'll feel better when you accept that you don't know when you'll die.

>>13996251
It really isn't, if anything the thought of death is the only reason I haven't killed myself yet, the fact that it will all end someday and that if it gets bad enough I can always opt out anytime I wish gives me a sense of relief in the face of my pointless daily life of soul crushing work.

>>13996261
>>13996216
get a non-office job
remember how Ishmael went to sea

>>13985459
Trump didn't bring the troops home. He just made them pull back from near the Turkish border so Erdogan could engage in blatant fuckery. I'm still waiting, hoping this is some 4D chess move but to me it looks like he just straight up back stabbed the poor bastards that did 99% of the effective ground fighting against ISIS.

I don't want to eat meat or fast food anymore and I don't want to watch pornography either. I hate that this is the person I can be. Something has to change. I have to believe in something.

>>13984600

I have about 60k words written up but I'm trying really hard to decide what to even do a lot of it is rambles and other junk. With a good edit it will be down to 40k words probably and then I will write a bit more. But it seems like it will come out like a bad Tao Lin or Megan Boyle book or one of those other memesters that just writes random garbage down and tries to publish it as though it was coherent. I don't know if anyone would find value in my expressions or if I even find value in them. I've written quite a few things that I never published, took creative writing classes, and got poems published in poetry journals before. But I still don't know if I'm ready to put out a whole book of what most people will consider nonsensical trash. I just feel dumb, I wish I didn't want to write in this style. It is almost like Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller except if he was a shitty writer with shitty stories to tell instead of cool shit. I just feel bad about my creative output in general RIP.

>>13984600
I'll do it in greentext because I don't really want to give too many details (even though I won't be able to convey as much necessary detail this way)
>be top of the class
>looking for a position in academia
>been doing this for the past ten months
>but my status as an unemployed nobody only dates back a few months
>every place i apply to has some 50 to 100 applicants
>i get shortlisted exactly nowhere because i'm from a country that isn't really developed but also isn't really a shithole, just off the radar
>the people getting the positions are either people from prestigious universities or third world countries, often with results worse than mine
>have an application form filled and ready to be sent to another university but I've been postponing on pressing the "send' button for two weeks now
>some people I personally know have gotten into extraordinary universities and jobs, mostly arranged by their rich and influential family
>meanwhile i'm a son of two loving farmers and would never even think about jumpstarting my career due to external ties not connected with my successes
I don't even know how and what I feel anymore. In the beginning it was sadness and disappointment. Some rejection letters really hurt and made me think about leaving all of this behind and just start applying to wherever, but my passion for academia has not yet worn out. I wake up staring at the ceiling, feeling as if I wasn't even sleeping at all just lying in the same spot for 7 hours with eyes closed. I then get ready and spend the next couple of hours searching for open positions, talking to people in my area, seeking help and advice. Most are kind and understanding but it seems to me that my dead spirit can not be cured if someone just simply understands me; I understand my own suffering clearly enough and comforting as someone else's pat on the back may be, it's just a temporary morale boost which fades away when I look at my ceiling again. While I may not know how to perfectly express my thoughts here, the gist would be:
I'm tired.
I'm tired of waking up in this loop where the only thing I get is rejection. Travelling and having beer with my buddies diverts my thoughts while being physically there, but tomorrow morning will still be the same. I'm so damn tired

“What is hell? I maintain that it is the suffering of being unable to love.”

I realize I've been living in hell all my life.

I would love to get a girlfriend with beautiful eyes. I want to drown and get drunk in her eyes like a pond when I feel upset.

My problems are beyond basic bitch, and I recognize them as such. Probably all to do with age and not understanding myself, but I just can't come to terms with them.
They lay there percolating, and when the moment of ease or enjoyment arrives thoughts of minor inadequacies rush through my head. Leaving me in an ocean of emotions ranging from anger to sadness. Lasting anywhere from a couple hours to days.

I'm trying to be someone I'm not and the facade is collapsing to me. I try to remain unemotional but I need a hug. I'm not a big fan of being touched. It is irony.

>>13996831
Have a random internet stranger hug anon. There, you can be hugged without being touched.

^

>>13984600
I would like to write a book, I have a story idea but I'm not sure if many people would actually like it as I haven't really written creatively before. Hell while I was thinking about the structure my mind wandered to another random concept for a book that I would like to make and now I'm not sure if I can make any of them.

I'd just like people to enjoy my work if I do go through with it. Read a couple chapters before bed with a smile on their face. That'd make me happy.

>>13995629
You want her number, but you're already texting? So you already have her number then you doof, just call her one day instead of texting.
Either its works and you get what you want, or it doesn't and the relationship ends, or you move past it together as friends. You either control your fear, or it'll control you into a life of non-action.

>>13987499
every time i remember that first scene it rings truer in the face of more knowledge and time. the world really does keep getting smaller. i fail to even imagine the suffocation of the distant compact future my bloodline will live to experience.

>>13987499
what scene was it?

>>13995885
Can you predict the future? What about me? What happens to me?