/lit/ - Literature

oh yeah, and at the end, the father dies, he stands before god and grins. God asks him what he's smiling about, and he tells god he made 6 virtuous sinners, who all have to go to hell according to god's books, even though they use their sins to the good of mankind. The man mocks god, and is thus appointed as Superbia, the sin of pride.

bump for interest

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHGHGHGHGAIOFWJICOJH OIJW NBWCGIWHEO DDDDDDDDUUUUUUSGYGKUH&GCWUOHNLICHNB^UTEICHJNQP UHGJA curva

not much of a poet, OP, but I like the idea alot

this is a great idea, particularly the end. I'm assuming the father did not realise he would become pride and be sent to hell right?

that's quite amazing. I would like to read this.

>>1368041
nop, it's like a ''you decide what to think of the ending'' kinda ending. Since the men are all virtuous and help the world with their sins (like a glutton who makes sure that his kingdom has enough food, by inventing better machines for ploughing etc etc)

>>1368044
so he screwed god over, since those sinners all have to go to hell as well, even though they were good men. So god has a paradox, but the father does burn. Makes you wonder who won. God, or pride?

This is the tale of a proud man,
who has been done sorely wrong.
He was smitten again and again,
and plotted his revenge for so long.

He worked long and hard every single day,
and he prospered through sweat and tears.
He was honest, and all of his taxes did he pay,
He gained fortune, by saving all these years.

Until one day an evil madman came to him.
And accused him of being of wicked faith.
He smiled and asked him what was this whim,
and the madman told him it was too late.

the madman accused him before the state,
in a moment of evil on this godridden earth,
and providence on earth came just too late,
for he was denied all he had gained since birth.

He lost his home, his wife and even his bread,
all by the traitorous vicissitudes of fate.
And so he finally turned to the church instead,
and he asked the shining priest at the gate.
cont>

cont>
''why doth this cruel fate befall me?''
''Have I done wrongly? Have I walked astray?''
And the priest of yah responded simply,
''our god of love walks a very strange way.''

So the man became enraged, he struck the priest,
and he said to priest ''heed my call and word!''
''my life from here on shall be a sinfull feast!''
''to all that He despises shall I give birth!''

And he went en wept beneath the shelter of an inn,
for he mourned the death of his older self.
he wounded himself and vowed by the pain to sin,
he only wanted sons, he didn't care anymore for wealth.

the first part for ya OP. I'm thinking like, we do a page per son? Make it a big-ass poem, waddaya say?

>>1368056
>>1368053
I like it! I'm not so much of a poet myself, so I don't know how to improve that, great job so far!

>>1368056
>>1368053

not much of a poet myself, but I like it. only complaint is lack of rhythm.

yeah, brozinski! I know, I need to work on my rhytm. Feelsbad.jpg

Just out of curiosity, why is your protagonist "pride", specifically? I mean, at least on the surface, it seems more wrathful than prideful. I know wrath isn't as glamorous as pride, but the fact that he's clearly mad about it and seeking revenge on God makes me think that wrath might be the way to go.

>>1368087
Pride, because he thinks that he can outwit god. He attempt to make a paradox through his sons, so god will have to either-
send sinners to heaven.
send saints to hell.
Thinking this good of himself, that he can fool god, is pride.

As I read your post, I was wondering, "Why isn't he trying to make this a short story instead of a poem?"

And then I realized it's because you're desperately trying to conceal the fact that your idea is centered around a one-dimensional character, and has, at best, a tenuous understanding of the Christian philosophy it's criticizing.

And to the guy who's actually writing this poem, learn to rhyme, for shit's sake. "Self" does not rhyme with "wealth," and neither does "simply" with "me." And, just for the sake of your intellectual enrichment, let me point out that it is possible to rhyme words that are more than a syllable long.

>>1368095
>half rhymes are not rhymes
Riiiight.

>>1368095
oh don't worry, they're just feelings. they'll heal.

>>1368102
That guy's right though; the characters so far are ridiculous. They have no substance. And show total ignorance of the subject matter.

>>1368112
enlighten me then. What am I missing?

I like the storyline, please post a page where you will host it. Don't let it 404 on chan please, I have to go to work soon and I want to read up. /kiss

http://superbia.blog.com/

I'll try to keep it going

Those are assonances in a poem that attempts to use perfect rhymes, so when the poet goes, "Fuck it, I can't come up with a perfect rhyme here, so I'll just half-ass it," it's very conspicuous.

And "simply" and "me" is just a supremely awkward rhyme that stands out especially because every other rhyme in the poem has been a masculine one.

>>1368115
1. Characters need to conclude things on their own, not because you the author swooped in and made them
2. God contains everything, including contradictions. This has not been a problem in belief/theology for ~300 years. So the sinners going to heaven stuff is at best ill-informed
3. What the fuck goes on with the mad man? Thatis so obtuse it makes no sense.

>>1368095
>>1368095

A thousand times this. The OP's idea is sort of cool, but the reason this is a poem is because the whole point is to write a bunch of clever, irrelevant bullshit that rhymes and the OP can talk about later while his friends and he are skipping class to move all the Bibles in the bookstore to the always-nebulously-defined fiction section.

>>1368125
I think structurally, the issue is more about a lack of tension. OP wants this sing songy, 4 phrase per verse bullshit, where it feels like it ends on every line.

I can see what you mean. But half rhymes are still rhymes.

What makes a poem like "Paradise Lost" fascinating is that it really tells a narrative. It has round characters. Satan, in "Paradise Lost" stands out as a very psychologically complex literary character at a time when literature did not concern itself with that sort of thing.

Your story is about a guy who is angry at god. That's his one character trait, and his only motivation. Every other character seems just as one dimensional. A narrative poem that shallow is bound to be shallow and contrived.

The irony is that the only character in your synopsis that seems to have room for complexity, and therefore for reader empathy, is god.

>>1368142
You explained that very well.

>>1368142
lol, that is ironic.
so guys, what do we vote? good plot-idea or bad?

>>1368142

A narrative poem like that is bound to be shallow and contrived.*

>>1368146
Me fucking your mom is a good plot idea.

>>1368149
Oh don't worry, they're just feelings. They'll heal.

>>1368161
What feelings? We're just having a little fun. Nothing serious.

>>1368146

Cool story, bro.

Too bad there are jerks who think they can come up with 8 stanzas in a day that are amazing. Don't call something sing song, that's silly. Rhyme scheme is rhyme scheme. Go hate on Coleridge if you want to dislike sing songy.

>>1368146

I think it's a fundamentally flawed plot idea because it relies on its main characters being flat, and therefore uncompelling.

It's also conceptually flawed. As someone posted before, to Christians, pointing out a paradox in their religion is not evidence against their beliefs. So the poem, which is set within a Christian framework, presumably in order to make a point to Christians, seems fundamentally misconceived. The only audience that would enjoy this poem are non-Christians that have serious misunderstandings about what it is Christians actually believe.

And just for the record, I am an atheist, but that doesn't mean I have to misunderstand or misrepresent religion.

Go and watch se7en and then steal the characters from that.

I don't understand the people saying that the characters will be flat. It's not like poetry demands fleshed out characters.
As long as you can convey the emotions properly, it doesn't necessarily matter. There is plenty of poetry with undeveloped characters.
Go fuck yourselves.

>>1368190 >pointing out a paradox in their religion is not evidence against their beliefs

Obviously, so perhaps this is not the authors intent. Christians are aware of paradoxes being made on their religion, it is that common. So now you must look beyond that surface evaluation and present a different angle that the author has lead his readers to.