/lit/ - Literature

>>13657428
They say that white girls fuck dogs.
But be that as it be
I can assure you, they are not fucking me

If I was to write out a short prompt just for this critique thread what should I include for people to get a good idea of my skill level?

>>13657581
>thinking of writing in terms of power levels

just write something good

>>13657597
Fair nuff, I'll be back in a bit.
Though by "skill level" I meant that as a question of whether my writing was at least at YA fiction quality.

>>13657428
That was a confusing read.

The setting changed too often and abruptly. The characters were at the front door, then the dad was at the bathroom, then everyone's at the dining room, then the main character is at the hospital, somehow the main character knew his dad was at rehab even though the main character blacked out, and then you pulled this bullshit about how none of this actually happened.

Please don't pull bullshit stuff like the way you ended the scene. Don't use the "it was all a dream," "it was all a hallucination," "none if it actually happened," because if you do that, then all the prior risks, decision-making by the characters, emotional build-up, the world and scenario building are all for nothing. It's better to start the story where stuff actually happened because that's how you build emotional investment for the reader. If you don't, you wasted the reader's time, will feel betrayed by such a shitty twist, and they will badmouth you.

In other words, make the scene progress smoothly and logically for the reader so that the reader knows what's going on and don't pull the dream, hallucination, this-actually-never-happened bullshit.

For the dim regions whence my fathers came
My spirit, bondaged by the body, longs.
Words felt, but never heard, my lips would frame;
My soul would sing forgotten jungle songs.

I would go back to darkness and to peace
,But the great western world holds me in fee,
And I may never hope for full release
While to its alien gods I bend my knee.

Something in me is lost, forever lost,
Some vital thing has gone out of my heart,
And I must walk the way of life a ghost
Among the sons of earth, a thing apart;
For I was born, far from my native clime,Under the white man’s menace, out of time.

>>13657428

Wrote this for a creative writing class:

The Earth lingers in my peripheral vison,
her impatient gaze pressing me into the regolith.
That, and 160 kg of equipment
straining and stirring to keep me breathing
for another five minutes.

I don't mind it.
The other day the vacuum of space
scattered a buddy of mine across Shackleton crater.
Of all the forces that could be exerted on me right now,
gravity isn't the worst.

The sun casts uncanny shadows on the surface
broken by the headlights of some metallic beast
kicking up dust in parabolic arcs.
I can only feel the ground rumbling as they wheel by,
terse radio chatter guiding their pilots.

A small photograph velcroed to my wrist
possesses me with supernatural strength.
As I hop miserably from valve to control panel,
that photo fills up my O2 tanks
and swallows my meal cubes
and looks over my checklists twice.

I'm supposed to go home on the next resupply ship.
I pray to god
that it makes the landing this time.

https://pastebin.com/wRgUj3Nx

>>13657791
remove comma after serious

>boredom, boredom boredom

not bad but I couldn't shake the feeling that the author was a cumbrain
don't like it

>>13657778
what's uncanny about the shadows and would the dust really be kicked up in parabolic arcs

too many multisyallbic words that aren't needed, like possesses me with supernatural strength could just be gives me strength, not bad

https://pastebin.com/b23fSQx4

>>13657791
me make big cum!

>>13657428
This feels like a vignette meant to be put in a longer story

The Weedo
Is a curious case
that surely proves that there are slaves

what do you think to this boys is it good or shit:

Let us not mistake this for an introduction, this is a feigned engagement. Much of me I’ll outpour here, all, there is not an ounce of the essence of my inwardness I’ll be leaving for myself. How miserly to withhold for the self from the thirsty a single drop of the Fountain of Youth! And I am not The Thirsty. It is generous to be like the Sun. Did you know, the aquifers of Godliness are never-ending, and it is only the faucet that deprives you? I am limited by my Common English, and there is much to see indoors, I deprive you; I am a single, minuscule faucet, and fluoride is the additive of my words. What can I say! These are impure words. Suck your mouth around the faucet, I’m turning on now, and you’ve got quite a lot to drink:

Friends, lovers, opportunities, would it help you to know who I am? In a previous incarnation I was Bach. I was doomed to pass this lifespan away in obscurity for daring attain such heights. Bach is a given, Bach we know to be true, but I must have been other and I couldn’t have been everyone I suspect of myself. It may either be impossible or unlikely that I was simultaneously Liszt and Melville. I’m erring towards Liszt because he was lustful, and that would offer a Karmic explanation for my small penis. I just don’t have every answer! Because Melville would explain my mid-December birth at the Dock Town, a proud English place, dismembering of all that boasting in the ascendancy of my Anglo touring, dismembering of OUR American (whaling) past in the reaping of the humble cod. From Town I figure it my destiny to have been a Cod Farmer, a hustler of the haddock, a fisherman, boy, but not towards the ocean. Karmic things intervened, and I was put somewhere else. Why? I may have been an Aborigine. I am tormented by visions of a falling New York, and the Four Horsemen, in a dream, I saw descend there. I have also an affinity with the long-highway parts of the United States of America, and there is something of a true soul-bond I have with some of the of Her rocks I have seen pictures of. What else to assign myself but my share in the plight of the past of a Red Indian? Of course, I am being absurd and wry. I am somewhat joking. But the pang is not indifference, and when I see the vertical rocks of Nevada, or Utah, or wherever it may be, I have a sense of unearned incompleteness. That I have had such apocalyptic visions of my most westernmost American city-neighbour causes me to believe, perhaps erroneously (I am not deluded), that closures upon closures upon closures will be had on that landmass, and all I’ve got to do is go there. I refuse.

>>13658637
random capitalisations make it hard to read

>>13658637
Tremendous start. I sense a really good dishonest-narrator-type-sci-fi-ish story.

don't listen to this anon
>>13658640

>>13658637
>>13658640
>>13658712

on second glance there are a lot of unnecessary capitalizations.

He drinks water like wine and wine like water
The Wine is more purple than red
He rocks the glass back and forth, then in driven loops,
Held between his thumb and forefinger
The glass is empty for the second time

They say the human body is like machine.
It needs fuel, maintenance and lubrication
It amuses him to imagine the wine
as the blood running through the machine
carrying away grime and gunk from the gears and cogs.

He's just had some bad news, of the spiritual kind.
0, The Fool (reversed)
X of swords
III of wands


That's like being told your house and family perished in the flames
but the dog got away

The third glass is running low
and it's covered in fingerprints

>>13657428
Who is this anime?

https://pastebin.com/chH8TwGC

Be gentle hermano

>>13658640
>>13658712
>>13658722
thanks for the feedback guys, i'll prolly sort a few of those capitalisations out, was quite drunk when I wrote this and the capitals made sense to me then.

Would appreciate some feedback on this one
>>13658160

thanks

>>13657931

The narrator is on the moon, so the shadows are weird and things fly in parabolas (no atmosphere). But yeah, thank you. I wasn't paying attention to how it sounds when you read it.

>>13658862
first v. third person errors
rule of thumb is to stick to third person.

>after my arrival is make me leaving unthinkable.
is to make me*

There are a lot of grammatical errors, too many for me to post here. I like the prose and use of vocabulary but your story could use some re-structuring and re-pacing. Overall it was well-written.

>>13660429
Thanks for the feedback. I think dropping in and out of it has lead to the perspective errors. The grammar I can offer no excuses. How was the dialogue/characterisation as well as overall tone?

P. 1

P 2.

P 3.

>>13661397
Redid paragraph 1.

Is it bad to start a story with a flashforward?
I read that it helps keep the interest of the readers, and that it can feel impactful and shit. A lot of successful TV shows with good stories and that are generally praised by the public started with a flashforward (Breaking Bad, True Detective, Madoka, a load of shit)
I also read that they are completely unnecessary and that they lower the quality of the story overall, that if you can't tell the story without a flashforward then there's something wrong.
I feel like I could benefit a lot from using it, I also can't move past chapter 1 because I don't know how to start it..
I hope I'm not sounding like a total retard, sorry.

James stepped out of the shower and wrapped the towel around his head tucking it together in the back before pulling another one off the rack and beginning to dry him self off, as he went over his arms with the towel he began to notice small, brownish gray flakes shedding onto the counter below him, he examined his arms recognizing the tan that he'd progressively developed in his time here then peeled the rest of the dead skin away. He put some lotion on his arms after dying off and threw on an old shirt with the label "break fast of death" before exiting the bathroom to meet his grandmother frantically digging through piles of the clutter and junk scattered through out the house. As he made his way to the kitchen he asked her "have you seen Trevor at all today" before opening the fridge door and pulling out the milk, she quickly replied " i think he went to UA today, why". As he made himself a bowl of cereal and sat on the couch he explained. "Im supposed to be buying off him,but these last few days hes been dodging me like he doesn't have it". she carried on searching though the living room and brushed it off with "well if he doesn't get it, talk to me and i will".

Might not be the best place to ask but; are there any good YouTube channels that talk about story writing in a lot of depth?

This is the start of a short story. Any feedback appreciated:


As a child, Rainn was always insecure about her height, but there, hidden behind the tall and graceful denizens of Fashion, she was grateful for her shortcomings.
She could finally breathe easy; she’d shaken the bastard off, at last. She followed the crowd to the pedestrian-only high street. On the rare occasion she found herself in Fashion she was always overcome by its vibrancy the bright lights and colours, commissioned street-art and the juxtaposition of red-brick-and-ivy DIYs next door to the neo-brutalist luxury brands. The whole street teemed with life, the spirit of acceptable rebellion, and the sort of wealth typical of genmods - if your parents could afford to alter your DNA and give you razor blade cheekbones and giraffesque legs, you were one of the chosen few able to live comfortably in Fashion. Day-visitors stood out like a slapped arse.
As she walked past each store, boxes appeared in the corner of her Lens with posturing, airbrushed versions of herself in outfits tailor-made based on her search habits and social posts; each one varying in how far it lay beyond her price range. She’d been meaning to shell out for an ad-free Lens account for a while but when it came to the crunch each payday, she could never justify such trivialities. After a glancing up and down the street she stepped into a techwear store - which had suggested an all-black outfit of, what looked like, luxury camping gear with additional straps and dangly bits - and found a spot between the combat wellingtons and camo umbrellas where she wouldn’t be heard.
“Lens, give me tracker two seven two’s location,” she said in the quietest voice it could detect. A loading wheel spun in the centre of her vision for what felt like minutes - but probably took no longer than ten seconds - before being replaced by a high-definition map of the city. There were two coloured dots on the map; a purple dot sat motionless on the western side of Fashion while a yellow dot with “25MPH” floating above its head moved along an eastern road heading towards either Tech or Media. Thank fuck, she thought to herself.

>>13657498
Beautiful

>>13657778

Your vocabulary is colorful but the rhythm feels off, try being more concise?

>>13658739
Just feels like your rambling with no real rhyme or reason, which I suppose some people enjoy when reading poetry but not me personally


I am going to post two poems that I've recently wrote below

>>13662974
Souls led astray wander in Erebos,
Amidst anguish, malice, and bestial appetites
Amidst the tormented screams of sinners,
cowards, the selfish, and corrupt

A place of woe, of eternal pain,
A place reared by the power of the divine,
A place of eternity, of endless darkness,
Primordial in its conception, before it created were none

Adrift they amble, at the feet of the Styx,
a heavy heart bearing, a heavy face hanging
into eternal darkness
Strangers to each other, strangers to themselves

Stripped bare, they have nothing,
but a man with nothing will never waken sin
Hope becomes oblivion, and desire fades,
like smoke in the air, or ripples in the stream

Without life, they bend their necks
to the cold grip of death's chains,
They lose the breath of cherished life,
clad in steel, black as night

The zeal of humanity, our fierce insistence
We call for vengeance, long delayed,
For God's injustice , and God's treason,
Vengance, waded in blood
Yielding heritage, removed with life alone

--------------------------

Shadows stalk like grain spires,
shrouding my tepid steps among a Gothic castles
gallows, tiring of it's coming close swallowing glow,
that split fervid glory into lamentful wails,
cursing an obstinate distant Angel's wing-beat

Chained in full by a lull of envy,
peering upon that errant Angel.
If only I was just as them, if only,
then, I would fear naught, and
from my castle's coffin be redeemed.

Sonnets of streaming tinged torchlights,
cutting close through the soft dark Stygian starlights,
close my castles square rocks round,
my rabid heart's deepened morbid drown.

Ensnarled betwixt the Void in which I am drowning.
Each shadow stalks my waking sleep as I wander,
wondering in muddled dark between molded dreary bones.
This castle is my home. The home that my dear angel has flown.

>>13657428 Poorly written and the twist fell flat.
>>13657778 Is supposed to be a poem or oddly formatted prose?
>>13657791 Don't like your names. Makes it look like you couldn't spell Saoirse. It's a silly scene that is absurd on several levels.
>>13658160 I'll come back to this later.
>>13658637 Entirely masturbatory and written for yourself. I understand your usage of capitalization. They are not random.
>>13658739 Free (to fail) verse.
>>13658862 May come back to later.
>>13661397 I still don't like any of it.

>>13661940 The purpose of a flashforward is to immediately catch the audience of the viewer. This is done in TV because the attention span and willingness to engage is very short. They need to see what will be happening immediately. In stories, "in media res", is the standard. My personal problem with flashforwards is that set up the action and move elsewhere and the momentum shift is a real bother. It's also usually basically spoilers depending on how far forward. Why not make whatever the flash forward the present instead?
>>13662039 Proofread.
>>13662803 Why gen rather than gene? Could even use germ. "slapped arse". I think they'd generally be clothed, unless bare arses are the fashion of Fashion, in which case not really stranding out. Would "Lens" really be the activation word? Overall I like what what you're trying to go for.
>>13663022 Yawn

>>13663045
Post some of yours now ;)

>>13658160
>>13658160
>ZATO 4
Odd name for a city as opposed to various other location types it makes me think of instead.

>extramural
>catechizing
I don't understand how you are using these words given what they mean and their context.

>cartographicless geographic orphan
Ridiculous phrase.

>7/8ths
Requires too much thinking for most to know how much that is exactly. I suggest 9/10.

>w/r/t
No. Don't do this. Don't. Just don't.

>A.K.A
You did it again.

>T.V.
It doesn't need the .

There's a lot of other nonsense that I'm not going to address.

>>13663102
Based on your image, you don't have any actual interest in that.

>>13663045
>audience of the viewer
Whew, I'm more asleep than I thought I was.
Should be attention.

>>13663045
How about now

Boy I sure love not posting my work in any of these threads and learning from critique of other people's works while feeling better about myself when others get shit on

>>13663129
My apologies. I was unclear. It simply isn't my sort of content and I don't have anything more to say about that I haven't already expressed in previous threads.

>>13663139
You'd learn a lot more from reading prose done well than whatever meager criticism is in these threads.

>>13663181
I guess I'm just scraping the bottom of the barrel here. Good advice

https://pastebin.com/GtYzqGLL

Thanks in advance.

>>13658862
Needs a considerable amount of proofreading.
Using [sic] is silly.

>Urquhart in what seems to be an at least marginally political story set in the UK
Was this intentional?

I'm unsure of what to think of the POV switching.

Don't care enough to go in-depth.

>>13663275
>demagogue tries to persuade people to leave the planet and venture to some war-torn disaster planets because they are upset with their political situation

Seems as about silly as saying "I'm mad about my country's situation, so I'll go live in Syria/Somalia/similar."

Unclear what your purpose is. This seems to be the opening. How would this continue?

>>13663361
Nah, he's persuading them to go to Mars. Chapter 2 opens up with a straight cut there.

>This seems to be the opening.
Hence the 1 at the top.

A large amount of the novel is through the POV of Mikheil. This part is set around twenty years in the future and after Madigan has died and his Martian autocracy crumbled. Mikheil is attempting to destroy Madigan's legacy and cult of personality on Mars in the midst of a shaky UN occupation of the planet.

Most of the novel is a character study of Madigan, with Mikheil's plot serving as a framing device.

>>13663415
He comes back after 13 years to try to get followers to rule over on Mars? Well, ok.

It's mostly a character study of a dead character who isn't a point of view character?

How is Mars livable?
Why Mars?
Just because it's outside of the immediate consequences of Earth?

Probably just a coincidence, but:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Madigan

>>13663483
>He comes back after 13 years to try to get followers to rule over on Mars? Well, ok.
I don't know how you got that impression from what I wrote. In universe, Madigan left for Mars permanently a year or so after the speech in Ch1. He'd been building a mass colonisation movement for many years prior to that speech, and many of his followers had went ahead of them.

>It's mostly a character study of a dead character who isn't a point of view character?
Yes.

>How is Mars livable? Just because it's outside of the immediate consequences of Earth?
Mostly subterranean habitats.

>Why Mars?
For Madigan, that would be due to personal reasons. To the public, he phrases it as a revolt from contemporary largesse and decadence. A chance to indulge in hardship and to satisfy the homesteading fantasy. The rationale for this is explored later.

>Probably just a coincidence, but:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Madigan
It is. I don't follow or care about burger politicians.

>>13663532
Last questions.

So is it a mostly ideologically driven narrative similar to Heinlein's works, especially Starship Troopers?

How does he have the resources to do this?

Why is Mikheil on Mars? Seems that he wouldn't be interested in going there.

>>13663553
>So is it a mostly ideologically driven narrative similar to Heinlein's works, especially Starship Troopers?
Not ideologically driven, but maybe philosophically driven. There are some philosophical discussions/digressions by characters, but they're not intended to hijack the story or to categorically show a single worldview as correct. The novel isn't ideologically driven, but is moreso concept-driven.

>How does he have the resources to do this?
Mars has already has colonies by Musk/Bezos like types at the earliest point of the story. Initially, they believe they can use Madigan - who was one of the first men born and raised on Mars - as a spokesman/PR attraction. Madigan's charisma wins over many of their supporters, takes full advantage of their technology, and builds a mass movement to allow massive amounts of people to travel to and colonise Mars.

>Why is Mikheil on Mars? Seems that he wouldn't be interested in going there.
He joined the UN as an intelligence analyst after his brother died in service under Madigan. He's motivated partially by vengeance/spite, but also by a desire to understand what exactly the swan song of Madigan was and how it managed to take his brother from him.

There was a lamp at the far end of the street
It swung back and forth with a blaze in it
And you stood at the near end of the street
You chose to stand in the fog and watch

>>13662079
Branderson Sanderson posts creative writing lectures on youtube

>>13657654
>>13658396
Yeah I feel like a cunt if I post huge blocks (not that I'm judging others, who maybe review more), so I try to just move fast. Lesson learned.

>don't pull the dream, hallucination, this-actually-never-happened bullshit.
It pretty obviously happened though. The final line is "I didn't even write this," which is obviously a lie, like "today I wrote nothing."

>>13663045
>the twist
I appreciate the specificity. I don't like it either. I genuinely want to distance myself from how nonfiction it is though.

>>13657791
Your opening lines could be quite a bit worse for how cliche they feel. At least it wasn't a fruit analogy. I would maybe cut the second instance of "were" out, say it out loud a couple times and see if you like the cadence. Slowing it down with a comma after "old" might also feel better.

>You don’t
Is there a reason for the tense shift here?

It also wasn't entirely clear that the other colors you were listing, were the colors of other eyes; "Flames" just gave me a texture on the first read. So for a moment it seemed like you were saying her eyes were both unique, and common.

>Her gaze felt dangerous, heavy, like spear thrown against a foe.
You might like this more if you don't use the word "foe." If she's staring at the speaker this way, just say it's him. I like the attribution of weight, trajectory, and deliberation to gaze though.

>Instead, she smiled and her eyes, for a split second, burned brighter.
Oh for fuck's sake, I get it anon. You're throwing matches into a fire that's already there. Just say they're brighter and I'll put the fire thing together. Maybe let it come back at a later mention of her eyes.

>cold.
>cold.
>cold.
Nigga you just ended three sentences on a row on the word "cold" and it sure doesn't look like it was on purpose. There's also a lot of text between those first two quotations.

>Guess again. And this time, guess.
Duh? You also do a lot of telling instead of showing within that paragraph.

>The blaze in her eyes cooled like a distant fire.
This one I actually like. I can deduce a lot of body language from it.

>I slowly moved closer to her, our breaths matching in pace.
Are they fucking already or what? This has a real jiggly-anime-fanservice-tits feel to it, not to mention it feels like a pesudospoiler. Maybe it's just the last part.

>>13658637
>Let us not
Already burning my patience. Which is fine, if it pays off.

>How miserly | to withhold for the self | from the thirsty | a single drop of the Fountain of Youth!
I don't see the point of this weird syntax beyond just attempting to look cool and unconventional. I can understand why you wanted to end on the fountain, but at the very least, "withold for the self" could be reduced into something less pretentious.

>Suck your mouth around the faucet, I’m turning on now, and you’ve got quite a lot to drink:
I guess asking for blowies is one way to make your prose not masturbatory.

It got a little better but that big paragraph you said not to mistake for an introduction felt like a bad introduction.

>>13658160
Honestly, good opening line. Jargonistic, drops names, and presumes you already know what's going on, topping it off with a cunty wordbomb at the end. I laughed. If it wasn't obnoxious on purpose don't tell me. Smooth either way.

>The city’s tailor sat in the mindless static of work another would find mundane, that is, if it hadn’t already encompassed so many years of their life so as to bring an accustomed or maybe stoic joy.
This isn't as well done. Something about "another" stalls me.

>preparation for a new addition
This line is good save for this weird end-rhyme.

>merchants
>autobiographies, each unsettlingly going for sometimes up to
Sounded like "each" meant "each biography"; in the context of merchants, I thought you were talking about bidding for a moment.

>Chang’s #1 Great Cuisine
I think I've eaten here

>to stand, face hovering centimeters away, transfixed and all lobotomized-like and stare at the fence or
I read "lobotomized-like" and asked myself if it was a placeholder. The comma usage doesn't seem to separate your lists quite right. As consequence, "stare" swerves hard.

>functioning-esque
Instead of slapping "like" and "esque" on the end of things, maybe change the noun? Or even just "semi" in front would sound better. If this is obnoxious on purpose it's really just falling flat for me.

>Wu Delan
Why'd you wait till here to name the guy?

Generally it seems like you're giving me flashes of the city, but then you get really specific with Wu, only to retreat back to rapid detail. I don't think you should be reverting pace. The Sanders intro is good. Goes on a little bit.

>Sex: ?
Having a question mark on the forum seems too cartoony too soon. Might be more suspenseful to just leave it blank, I don't know.

>Some nights I’m a quarternonbinary Demiqueer ultra god. Other nights I’m an Apconsugender bug rolling around the floors of gay dungeons.
A little too attack helicopter

>Did I forget to mention? I’m Sassy, idiot.
This, is great

>an artillery spawned crater
hyphen?

>War is cold and personal. There’s no actual fighting.
seems impersonal

Don't really see where it's going at the end, or why I've been given most the information I have.

>>13663045
genmod guy here,

Thank you. I was going for "genetically modified" but genemod looks and sounds better.
Changed the activation word to Laura (Lens-activated user-responsive AI).

Thanks for tips!

>>13663045
James stepped out of the shower and wrapped the towel around his head tucking it together in the back before pulling another one off the rack and beginning to dry himself off, as he went over his arms with the towel he began to notice, small, brownish-gray flakes shedding onto the counter below him, he examined his arms recognizing the tan he'd progressively developed in his time here then peeled the rest of the dead skin away. He put some lotion on his arms after dying off and threw on an old shirt with the label "breakfast of death" before exiting the bathroom to meet his grandmother frantically digging through piles of the clutter and junk scattered throughout the house. As he made his way to the kitchen, he asked her "have you seen Trevor at all today" before opening the fridge door and pulling out the milk, she quickly replied, "I think he went to UA today, why". As he made himself a bowl of cereal and sat on the couch, he explained. "I'm supposed to be buying off him, but these last few days he's been dodging me like he doesn't have it". she carried on searching through the living room and brushed it off with "well if he doesn't get it, talk to me and I will".
this the best i could do, also how the fuck do i proof read with out paying for a subscription

>>13664060
Thanks for the honest and critical feedback.

I'm experimenting with different styles so I totally note you feeling some of it being obnoxious. It's meant to be jumpy, rough, and like hyper-real and abstract at the same time. I'm still working how to weave the characters into the narrative, which is not worked out but getting there.

It's good to hear that I made you laugh. I'm definitely prioritizing having fun and making a fun read for the time being.

>presumes you already know what's going on
How would you suggest I go about this but still keep a show don't tell attitude and experimental style?

Also, are there other parts that you feel didn't work or words that you thought were obnoxious?

Truly appreciate the feedback, thanks.

i woke up as i always do on a normal day, but unlike most i decided to sit out side today. i went out side and began to lay in a sweet old chair kept under the shade. as i lay still and un bothered i began to lose my self to the sparkling water. i inspected the lake from where i could see and suddenly i noticed a tree. a tree so tall and filled with life. but then i sunk into fright. i couldn't stop all i could feel was emptiness,just so unreal . but soon my thoughts would run away as i gazed back and seen it sway. the trance took me to another place, a simple sorrow still hung on my face. i stayed there for a moment or two longer until of course my thoughts began to wonder. its always this way the things that i see, they drag me down until i sleep. and in my dreams a pinch of hope comes crawling out when im on dope. i wanna live a happy life but chaos seems to be my strife. and no matter where i go i know, it will end and ill pretend.

I woke up after the shower - my son and I had a lot of fun. I began to wonder whether it was all just so; whether those of us who go through so many lives, who have grown so accustomed to our experiences, had not, like our own bodies, been subject to a transformation before it became all clear. But alas, I had never considered these things, and I only thought about my own. I could see no other explanation. And it all came pouring out now from that spot of blank space in the morning: the world. All at once all the objects about me were there; and I saw in them that one might become aware of all, and that each one represented something. The light was all round us and around us, and in their midst I saw myself. Then my consciousness appeared and was aware of myself. I could see myself, I might recall myself, but could not see myself. My eyes filled my field, and I looked on myself, and felt myself.

Putting Jo's head under water!
Hanging on to Jo's head, up on her neck!
Panting on Jo's neck!
Ripping Jo's lips off her face!
Jo's eyes rolling in pain!
Heaving Jo up on the bed!
Trying to get up!
Putting out Jo's screams!
Folding out Jo's hands over her mouth!
Cumming on the floor!
The door is still open! What is this!?
When that thing's got back to normal!!!
Oh my God!
It feels so good inside!?
It feels pretty close!
What the heck is she thinking about?!
What the hell is she feeling!?
What a great blowjob!
I can't stop this!

The story goes that during the 20th Century, humanity discovered a magical cure for cancer which could cure them from their diseases. These are very promising prospects, but were they right? After all, their world wasn't nearly as beautiful, and it certainly wasn't as dangerous to everyone as they claimed. They knew what they were dealing with was nothing more than the most destructive, cruel and cruel to humans that could exist. So, of course, they created another disease which had as many negative aspects for humans as the cancer itself. For a period of time when these two diseases were common, mankind seemed to be quite happy for the time being. However, a certain evil entity had been gathering the blood of humans from other sentient beings for them to feed upon, and the humans were suffering in the process. These blood-drunk races felt that they had had enough, and started to rise up in rebellion against their creators. They attempted to make contact with the humans via a variety of means, and in time, some even managed to find a way to bring down the mysterious entity through the use of advanced technologies within a few years. The humans in the meantime, however, were unable to cope with their constant suffering, so they decided to make a go of it themselves.

>>13663848
>distance myself from how nonfiction
What? I'm uncertain what you mean. It seems like you are saying that you are displeased with it seeming fictional.

>>13663119
Whoops, seems that I didn't finish going through this.

>>13664964
if this is a premise then iron it out as you will when you start stretching it, if not a few things are confusing,does it cure all disease or all but cancer if the previous just cut cancer out in general if not rework those sentences, also somebody creates a monster that thrives off the blood of humans, then the monster revolts against them to warn humans out of pure compassion. and last but not least,is this a shitty description of bloodborne.

Small story I had to write for an English class that evolved into a short story I want to finish. Not fully complete. (Mild NSFW)

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BvmqFoabI5FIz8ncfORs8zqKlevNbj--PXw7b9VODRs

>>13665149
You really wrote and presented this for a class? Well, ok.

Also, are you that the way you've linked it exposes your Google name, I don't know if that's your actual name, as well as the document history? J****** D*****. Created Nov 26 2018. Also various other info.

>>13657778
>vacuum of space scattered a buddy of mine across Shackleton crater.
People dont pop like they show in movies when put into a vacuum. Mostly they just kinda turn purple and bloat. Takes a while too, you dont die instantly.
Im being nitpicky, but this is a crituqe.
First part is quite kino but it kinda fades into boring tropes towards the end.

>>13665149
i refuse to believe you used this for anything but a weird erotic weeb fanfic fapclub

>>13665346
dont they immediately evaporate all the fluids in there body then suck in

A titanium meteorite nicked the Prussian astronaut's pressurized navigational astrosuit. He wanted to scream like an elk in the shower, but the pressure differential compressed his lungs to where no vibrato was possible ending his career as a opera singer. His already bulbous body ballooned as he was sucked out through the tear due to the vacuuming force and then he exploded when exposed to cold wastes of outer space. The explosion caused a chain-reaction which caused the space station to fall from orbit and collide into a nuclear weapon repository when then caused World War III and all life on Terra was wiped out. It was so bad that when aliens visited over the ensuring eons it killed them all as well and eventually they just vaped the planet and smoked it.

>>13665106
>What? I'm uncertain what you mean
No I mean I don't want to get flak IRL for how much of the story is real but I should probably just suck it up.

>>13664548
Beats me, I got nothing. I guess I'd add that your method of caricature is pretty similar across each style; it's rather clear the same author is writing each chunk, which could be a good thing or a bad one experiment-wise.

>>13665570
Maybe you are taking "write what you know" too far then.

>>13665149
Vux sounds too close to Vbucks but that's probably just me.

Split up that second paragraph. You're using one person's quote, moving to another person's actions, and then the first continues speaking. I don't always get bothered by this, but it feels more like the quotes are being said by the characters rather than told by the narrator, and for whatever reason that makes me wish they were seperate.

>ranging from [...] male and female
woo yeah and my mcdonalds meals range from small to large. I'm not complaining about the good ole' binary, but with all the fantasy I just got thrown, it's weird to have an awe-struck "ranging from" precede a mere two-element list (even if it also precedes some other lists). Like, "woah, men, and women, in the same room." I could say the same of Applebees. Though even just switching the and-sign to the actual word would've helped that fly under the radar better, and I can see why you don't want it to be just women.

>crawl
I would establish the floor earlier (you pretty much already have) and then word this exclusively in terms of the obstacle she's crawling under, to make it seem more motivated and less fetishistic. Really just cut "on the dirt floor."

Simple enough to keep image going.

>>13665149
>elves
cringe fantasy element that only takes away from the story

>>13665149
>>13665699
>Though even just switching the and-sign to the actual word
as in the & sign; I unconsciously changed it in the greentext

Thinking of having this as the basis of a prologue for something longer.
677 words.
https://pastebin.com/UrEeRrkc

This should be called the masochist thread.

>>13663932
Thanks anon for the critique.

>Your opening lines could be quite a bit worse for how cliche they feel.
Yeah, the opening was terrible and cliche. Albeit, it was a way for me to start writing.

>Is there a reason for the tense shift here?
No, that was a mistake on my part.

>It also wasn't entirely clear that the other colors you were listing, were the colors of other eyes; "Flames" just gave me a texture on the first read. So for a moment it seemed like you were saying her eyes were both unique, and common.
I should have been more clear at that moment. I can see how readers could confuse how her eyes were both unique and common when that's not the case.

Additionally, I never realized how "flames" could give texture. I'll keep note of that in future writings.

>You might like this more if you don't use the word "foe." If she's staring at the speaker this way, just say it's him.
Yeah, it would be better to say it was him. However, on my defense, I gave myself a challenge to write using as few as possible first-person pronouns (all pronouns in general) that would still make sense. I like to think that arbitrary limitation makes for a better reader experience and makes the pronoun more valuable (rarity = valuable). It does have its faults, like the one you just listed.

>Nigga you just ended three sentences on a row on the word "cold" and it sure doesn't look like it was on purpose.
I didn't even realize that until you pointed it out. It's irritating to see and read aloud.

Lessons learned
>no more cliche openings.
>make it clear to the reader that something is unique.
>Word choices matter. For example, "flames" gives texture for a reader. I'm the type of writer who likes to impute and control the readers' thoughts and feelings, rather than have the readers think for themselves. If readers imagined something totally different than what I intended, that's cool for the reader, but I failed as a writer on my terms.
>Don't repeatedly end sentences with the same words unless it has a valid reason.

hey boys I'm back with more, ( >>13658637 ) I don't mind the harsh criticisms, it is obviously a wank. starts off from where first one left off. I promise i'll critique others soon.

My life may have been the realising of intentions I cannot recollect. It seems to me that all of what happens has been the enfruitening of negligence and pissiness. It has all been pretty mundane and O.K. so far. If, perhaps, I could trace back the dance of cause and effect through the centuries, trials, and the avatars of my Will with other Wills I have loved it would seem actually a Swan Dance indeed, for which, perhaps, "beauty" cannot hope to reach to describe. From a divine perspective I suspect it goes back to looking mundane. But this is absurd! I have not told you who I am! Let me tell you what I have done.

My First JOB:

What else could it have been, if not a fisherman? I am reaching out to you now, I am becoming appealing and at trust with you. Take standards against yourself and do not think me brother no matter what we have shared. I am not who you are, not what you must do. Although we are of a class we are not peers. And it is a rainbow of beings young that pass through the places to make them burgers. Kings of them! Ready Kings. It is there that I observed competition with a point towards excellency. Forever will the gigantic benefit from the cool assertive young, and fun, aspiring men - for we made them fast and perfect. For whom? Correct. Reader, we must be of a class. If not, I have so many things to say! I cannot hate you, perplex me, love me, lift me; hold my words aloft. But the lofty will not suckle the faucet! They cannot deign to drink their Selves, so, neither, can they, my wellspring. Underclassmen, I am of you, but your better. I am of a tone well-spoken, lost, a moth of rich patterned coat, of thick, sturdy wings; a look not ugly on a fine Persian rug, on my wings. My proficiency for soul-searching has lead me to orbit too acutely the light, and I am dazzled and communicating. We are not peers. Whatever my burger making. Upperclassmen, it is my doom to subvert you; I have already joined the Conservative Party.

Can I tell you about what has happened? How dastardly to need contrive a plot! I have tried to tell a story. Time is the complication and I am my adversary. Can I explain to you the strange fire in my chest? Occasionally there is a muscular twitching in my thighs not totally unrelated to the release of a thought. No, I must return here. But first I must leave. This has been the wrong way to go. I cannot tell you about my first job. This is a character study! I must feed your tastes. I must think of something better.

I know just what to say! I mentioned the Wills of past circumstances through Karma intertwining by clinging? Let me tell you about loss..! Here is an excerpt of my life involving a man I loved quite earnestly, and whom I do not expect to meet again except as beetles:

>>13666946
>>no more cliche openings
It wasn't really that bad. It was tolerable. Works if everything else does, fails if it doesn't. Do what you like.

>>13666026
i've got a feeling that i know where this is going. you might be able to make a bit of money on amazon if my suspicion is correct.

Its a dialectical universe where any two things can come together and become another object with the value of both others but is neither the sum of them both or a single object in itself. There isn't any distinction between being, becoming, existing, existing as a single object, or a single thing in itself. Nothing is known as separate but there are things which are known. One thing can be any number of other things: if your name is William, and your favorite color is orange, then William is orange. A lot can happen to any object at any time. The value of the object is something which is related to what it is for other things will be related to what it is for us.

>>13666026
The only thing I'm not sure about are the capitals at the end.

Between working on an actual project I hope to finish next year I "practice" by writing retarded short stories for a laugh.

https://pastebin.com/ys4X8sfA

Not really high art but hopefully it makes someone laugh.

A man inherits a villa in Spain from his mysterious uncle. The house, which is being renovated to ensure that it is habitable under climate change, takes on a much more dangerous tone and is now a target in the media frenzy over the Spanish government's plan to put a solar panel on every home in the country. The man ices an engineer sent to install the panels, gets arrested and is sent to prison for about three years. At some point, the man gets back to normal but his uncle gets in power and the villa reverts into its former self. The man then tells his father to do the same for his uncle while the father finds that his uncle has died. It is later revealed that this is not the start of any kind of conspiracy but just a murder of a nobleman and the man's nephew is the one who gets killed. The story is a satire on modern society and how our technological progress is destroying itself and our way of life.

>>13667383
Didn't make me laugh as such, but it was an easy and entertaining read. Good stuff man.

>>13667445
Thanks anon, that's really nice to hear. Haven't shared my stuff before so good to know it's readable.

A tarantula's mouth is like a little red puckered anus. When I was a lad I often searched for spiders in my garden when the rain came through, and if I found one, I would tear apart it. Once, when I had only one spider to deal with, I used its fangs to poke holes through the bark of a coconut tree to find the female. She came out, but then we took her back to the house to eat. I was in a hurry anyway, so I cut her up and ate it as soon as it was dead. It reminded me of the night when my mother had to run into a tree with a dead spider, and then I found the place where I had eaten it. Ripping off the abdomen and placing the writhing creature at the head of my cock to tickle me to violent orgasm. The idea that the venom was the thing holding it back was so fascinating, and it iced my cock so much. I can feel it slipping into my cock like a wet sponge and taking a bite out. I love this feeling! My cock has changed. It can now go harder, feel more natural, and the need of a woman's body and the need of a man's cock is much more real.

>>13663129
bump

>>13667324 Tell me what you think if you would.
>>13667347 You're right.

>>13667383
bretty gud. Made me laugh.

Anyone with any actual quality wouldn't post here. Those who do would be lessened if they took anything posted here to heart.

Based on these viewcounts where else are you posting your pastebin?

I have a futile idea that's going to fail miserably in an attempt to improve these threads.

>>13668137
>quality
there's no such thing

>>13665149
a bit generic and heavy-handed but if that's what you were going for it isn't a bad thing. props for being faithful to your imagination and writing plainly. imo you nailed the pacing which is very hard to do with a story so short

Kettle boils, watch it boil over
crystal lava soaks the floor,
castrated wood fails beneath you,
crying for even a lethargic attempt.

Watch yourself fall and fall.

It's been 8 years, my eternal love
And I still wonder about what you see in me
In order to know that I would get down on my knee

Do you see me as I see you?
There's nothing like the sight of your beauty
Such sight makes loving you my existential duty

It's been 8 years...
And the fire of love still burns deep inside me
Losing you would make me a miserable amputee

As I contemplate the cursed destiny of mankind
The death and suffering that we all face
I know that in your heart I can find the divine grace
My first poem kinda, so be gentle

>>13658637
First paragraph was great fun.
Second was so bland I didn't bother finishing it.

let crackle storm the icy point,
yellow eyelids blink in clouds,
angel braid of rice the sharp
hair of angel splitting proud
wind erasing dozy quaint
memory all a balloon—

Everyone should use a secure tripcode and we should have an economy of critiques. No one gets a critique unless they've critiqued. These threads are filled with entitled freeloaders.

>>13668235
Exavtlu what fren

>>13669750
>>13668959
That, among other things

If I was the sand, you'd be like the snow.
On beaches and mountains, like dull light we glow.
Falling and shifting, a slave to our roles.
But still we are perfect, still both of us whole.

If I met great heat, while you felt great cold
No longer a stranger, did Glass, Ice behold.
life is as fragile, as ice and glass true.
But we give it meaning, I'll give mine to you.

If I could fly up, and follow you down.
From vapor to snowdrop, in joy I would drown.
But here by the sea, caressing each wave
I'm awaiting your snowfall; a promise you gave.

If winds sought to change, and blew you away.
If you couldn't find me, I would not dismay.
Though strangers in form, we're kindred in soul
No power or purpose, could take that we're whole.

If never again, we met on this beach
Please love another, who your magic can reach
I would forgive you, if you did stay gone
And you could forget me, and I would move on.

>>13664500
First sentence is a run-on.

>>13669845
>If I was the sand, you'd be like the snow.
If you're the sand, just make her snow, not "like" the snow. Consider "If I was the sand, then you'd be the snow."

>On beaches and mountains, like dull light we glow.
"Dull" light doesn't really "glow" does it? Try a different adjective here.

>But still we are perfect, still both of us whole.
I would change this to "But still we are perfect, still we are whole." Keeps the integrity of the beats, has a nice repetition and avoids the awkward "both of us" half-steps.

>If I met great heat, while you felt great cold
>No longer a stranger, did Glass, Ice behold.
I like this. This is interesting. This is the heart of the poem. Try and do more with this idea. Also, change "did" to "would" since you started the sentence with "if."

>life is as fragile, as ice and glass true.
>But we give it meaning, I'll give mine to you.
Not really sure what any of this is supposed to mean. I would rethink this couplet. "Ice and glass true" doesn't read well, it feels like you've twisted the words just to fit the rhyming scheme.

>But here by the sea, caressing each wave
If you're the sand, does sand really "caress" the water? Or the other way around?

>Though strangers in form, we're kindred in soul
>No power or purpose, could take that we're whole.
Meh, this is kind of the whole crux of the poem, but you've just gone ahead and said it outright. Think about using the poem to evoke this idea rather than just dropping it in.

In general, when writing in form, it's helpful to pull your lines out and put them in sentences, like prose. If they read awkwardly or if the meaning is confused, revise them. Don't torture the sentences just to fit in the end rhymes.

Cool poem. Keep working on it!

>>13669996

Thank you for the feedback.

>Wrote some stuff, sci-fi with an obvious contemporary message.

The war with the Assailants had been fought for a millenium.

The public generally did not care. The war was mainly fought on uncolonized planets, often in far-away Outer Systems. Heightened security was a matter of official policy on Inner planets, but there had not been a verified terrorist attack in the Inners for over 200 years. Occasionally some fool got idealist notions in his head, and tried to spread his ideals all over a bridge or public square with homemade explosives. That was pretty rare, as multi-spectrum scanning of people and possessions was nearly ubiquitous in the city. A person could be scanned head to toe a hundred times on a trip to the grocery story without even realizing it. Bombers reaching their target without been stopped were nearly unheard of.

It had not always been this way. Max knew that as recently as five centuries ago the Federation had been governed by an iron-clad Constitution that afforded it's citizenry broad liberties. Among those liberties was privacy of personal affects without a valid reason for a search. This document had defined the parameter of government nearly a thousand years before it stopped doing so. At some point it had either stopped been rigorously enforced, or simply overturned. Max was note sure. He had spent 3 years hunting down verifiable traces of it's existence, mostly second-hand accounts and logs of virtual meetings where it had been referenced and archived in some database. He was sure that such a document had existed, and had dominated affairs until it had stopped.

One chat log Max recovered had not only made reference to the document, but prophesied it's destruction and claimed that society would collapse into anarchy or a dictatorship. This had evidently not happened. People still lived their lives quite freely. Max himself had never once been challenged or felt like we was being watched in his research. All the same, the document's existence, not a thing of doubt to Max, had clearly been scrubbed extensively from record. Traces remained only because this document was of such import, it was probably discussed daily.

>Looking for criticism of writing style mostly, the content is irrelevant, I just needed something to write about.

>>13665485
No, the skin is elastic enough to contain the bodys blood and organs. You die by suffocation, which takes up to a minute or two if your blood is well oxygenated. At most the tounge might dry out quickly. The body would first bloat for a while, then very slowly it would dehydrate and mummify over the course of months. Nothing would decay.
If you had an oxygen supply but your body exposed, you would die sort of like how divers die, you get the bends from bubbles of oxygen in your blood. You still die, but not in a spectacular way.

>>13669939
ah thanks anon,hadn't even noticied

>>13670132
Jesus

>>13657428
>blood of a murdered virgin
I'm out

EX MILITARY VETERAN HERE... I AM ONE OF THE REAL ONES.. MY ADVICE TO YOU .... DO NOT PAY ATTENTION TO EVERYTHING YOU READ ON THE INTERNET.... SOME PEOPLE JUST GET ON AND WRITE ANYTHING..... SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST IGNORANT... DO NOT KNOW WHY THEY CHOOSE TO BE THAT WAY.

THE ROUND IS KNOWN AS THE ""556"" BECAUSE THAT IS HOW LONG IT WILL SPEND BANGING AROUND INSIDE THE BODY AFTER YOU SHOOT ONE WITH IT . HAD FUN OVERSEAS WITH EM .. LET US JUST SAY THAT I WOULD NOT WANT TO BE ONE OF THE INDIVIDUALS ON THE WRONG SIDE ...I WILL SPARE YOU THE DETAILS... LAST YEAR I TOOK VACATION BACK.. IT WAS A DIFFERENT KIND OF FUN THIS TIME AROUND .... THE CIRCLE OF LIFE ...... SMILE...

I DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT MY 1911...... GUNS SHOULD BE OUTLAWED UNLESS YOU ARE POLICE OR A VETERAN.... I HAPPEN TO HAVE BEEN BOTH ... .....

CHEERS. BILL

>>13670705
however much human beings cultivate an intricate, discerning, sophisticated taste for delicacies like say, artisanal melons or fine wine, there is a dual and equal amount of depth and intricacy to the flavor profiles of different compositions of shit and bile yet these are completely unexplored and unrespected

>>13667732
Very cool!

I won't last weeks when the crash hits. We're all nervously anticipating it, now. Some lines on a graph somewhere falling low. If that's how it has to end, then thank God, because I can't handle these things not coming to a head. Catastrophes get the best of you, you know. When I won't have a juul pod left to my name I will become something else entirely. My desires will become radioactive. The urban center will fall. I will descend into a pure animal. Toxic and menacing, My footfalls will no longer be nervous. I will cease to be myself.
If the end is coming in the form of a financial crash, then so be it. Let it come.

>>13670705
thanks bill

>>13671505
When the dust clouds settle we will all be in the same boat. How horrible will that be! Right now we are all in our own canoes, roping along ready-made streams of success or failure. Plans all laid out for everyone. What happens if you tip over a small rowboat. Nothing. No big deal. But when the barge is all of us together our balance will become precarious. Begging, lying, cheating, and stealing. Life is strong, networks weak. One will overpower the other.
A nationwide economic collapse won't be a tragedy. A tragedy is a fire that doesn't scorch the roots. An Earth made glass is the only fertile soil . Not this rotten degenerate society. Infecting every last particle with its filth. The present day just escalates the horrors, rising to echelon after echelon of disgusting banality, never paying off the debts incurred from zeitgeist after zeitgeist, each one with rising fat boomer wal-mart customer arrogance!

>>13667233
This is incredible. Wild and erratic. This is the tempo of a bold writer.
I don't like the archaic language, though. Lose dastardly and lose the fourth-wall breaking. Show us a character who's mind is falling apart in the most spectacular way.

>>13668137
>Anyone with any actual quality wouldn't post here. Those who do would be lessened if they took anything posted here to heart.
Why would that mean they don't post here? People lessen themselves all the time

“I’m watching the universe expanding,” he said, holding it in his hands. It was his school project; he was a little boy, with a big white beard. And a striped shirt.
“Well that’s nice dearie, is anything happening?”
“Every now and then one of the planets wrinkles up and dies. Like a pop.” Another blew.
“Oh gosh, they’re really going out.”
“It’s like popcorn mom!”
“It’s like fireworks!”
It was like a steamroller hitting bubble wrap. And then it exploded.

bumpe

>>13673185
OH FUCK I'VE BEEN G'NOMED

How does fapping or lack of fapping effect your creativity?

These threads are half as brutal and twice as narcissistic as they need to be.

>>13675964
Half the time we take our selfs to serious and some one post something geniunly funny and the other half were ranting about terabtula anus