/lit/ - Literature

I sat, as ever, on my chair on the porch. A car pulled up; a man came out of the car. Surely this was the day. Surely this day this man would realize my genius. Surely this day this man would understand my wordplay. Surely this day this man would get my dirty dirty joke. Surely.

Sneed sneed, sneed sneed, sneed sneed sneed sneed sneed snewd. Sneed sneed sneed sneed; sneed sneed sneed sneed sneed sneed sneed. Sneed sneed sneed sneed. Sneedly.

The day was hot and the sky was nearly clear. I stepped out of my car and walked towards the porch of the old feed store - Sneed's Feed & Seed (Formerly Chuck's). The chickens needed feeding and the ground was ripe to plant. My intention was to buy what I needed and go, a simple errand. As I looked upon the old wooden porch I saw two old men in blue chairs. One a fatter fellow, the other skinny and smoking a corncob pipe. They looked at me and said nothing. The skinny one propped his feet up and leaned back in his blue chair.

"Old man Sneed in?" I asked the fat one.

"No, not today. Just me and Jim. Door 's open, head on in and I'll ring you up." He got up from his chair with a groan and a stretch, his gut hanging out like a great orb of gelatin in his overalls.

I walked in. The skinny one stayed on the porch very quiet-like, maybe lost in some thought but likely thinking nothing at all. The heat fries your capacity to think, after all. The wooden floor creaked as I went through the isles. There must've been six or seven kinds of chicken feed. I didn't care much for brands; I got the cheapest bulk I could find. Next I found some corn seed and potato seeds and I took myself to the counter.

"That'll be all for ya?" the man said. Behind the counter he looked much more trim. "That'll be all" I said. The total was $54.50.

I loaded the bags into the back of my wagon, then the skinny one opened his mouth. "You've got a flat tire." I was confused; I knew I rode in with all tires being fine. I closed the trunk and inspected all four; both front tires fine, back-left: fine, but the back right had flattened. I looked at the tire for a time to find any puncture, then there on the wall of my Michillen long-tread 420,000 mile tires was a stab wound. I looked at it, then raised, then looked at the men on the porch. They didn't look at me. Then I looked at the tire. "No," I thought, "they didn't...they wouldn't..." Then I thought to ask the man what happened.

"It looks like someone stabbed my tire" I said, "You know anything about that?"

"No" the skinny one said shaking his head. The fat one shook his head as well. They did their all to look puzzled. I was closer to feeling like the skinny one had gotten up and done the deed himself.

"Look, its only me, you, and you" I said looking at each, "so someone has to know something about this." I got a bit heated.

"Sounds like yer accusing us of something" said Skinny. Then Fat nodded and furled his brow a bit. This was an impasse. I could either press on interrogating them, or I could just change my tire. On the one hand, I would surely start something with the men, but on the other, I'd feel defeated. I decided to change the tire.

I got out the carjack and the spare from my trunk, put the carjack under the car, cranked up, and began going at the lugnuts of the wheel. I heard a shuffle on the porch. I looked. The men had moved their chairs to the other side, like they meant to watch me. I tried to pay no mind.

sneed

>>13614752
The lugnuts came off with a hard push on the crowbar. The men were still watching. I was working up a sweat, my own fat gut feeling heavier than usual. It was unnerving to be watched, but I had already offended the men apparently; I didn't want any trouble, and I'm sure they'd moved to instigate something.

I put the flat in the back with the feed and the seed. Going back to the wheel well, I had to put the flat in. I bent over to grab the spare.

One of the men whistled in my direction.

Now, there are a few lines that a man has to draw when taking bullshit from other men. I'd already felt defeated enough having to change a tire Im sure Skinny had flattened, but being whistled at was nothing I would tolerate. I stood up and looked. Strange as it was, they were both looking at me with grins. I kept the stare for a bit to let them know in that unsaid way that I was about one pitch from hitting. They didn't look away - just grinned.

I went back to the tire. The spare was almost on when I heard more shuffling from the porch. I looked up and the men were gone. Good riddance, I suppose. Going back to the tire, I tightened the last nut and started bringing the jack down.

"You do that mighty fine there sir." The skinny one was at the trunk, leaning on my car, staring at me. I looked back. What was he trying to pull? I decided to ignore it. Bad feelings were welling up in me.

"I think he's talking to you" said Fat, standing behind Skinny.

"Well I've got nothin' to say back. I'll be on my way now"

"Where you goin in such a rush, sweetheart?" And with that Skinny brandished a gun on me. I froze, staring at the gun.

>>13614769
Ah fuck's sake. I knew this shit was coming.

>>13614550
SNEED could be anywhere

>>13614769
"Now what you're gonna do is bend back down so I can see that nice plump ass again" said Skinny.

I couldn't think. I was staring down a man with a gun, and Fat was behind Skinny watching the whole thing happen, making sure whatever was happening would happen. What the hell was even happening. Fat yelled out:

"YOU HERE HIM BOY. GET BACK DOWN."

I put my hands up. "Look," I said, "you can have my money, take what you want. I dont want trouble."

"All we want is to see that pretty plump ass bend over, thats all!" Skinny laughed and Fat laughed and I was scared out of my mind. I didn't want to do it.

"DO IT" Fat yelled and Skinny pulled back the hammer on the revolver. In front of death, things change. I wanted to get out with my life intact. I slowly went down, hands still up, and rested on my knees.

"Now turn around...and bend over" said Skinny, breathing heavier now. I did it. I did it slowly, but it never occurred to me what direction things were headed. I was bent over, head to the ground, and all of a sudden Skinny had his hands on the waistline of my pants and pulled down. I jolted away in surprise. Skinny pressed the barrel against the back of my neck.

"NOW LISTEN YOU HOG MOTHERFUCKER. IM GONNA GET ME SOME HOG ASS IF I FUCKIN WANT IT, SO BEND OVER AND STAY THERE OR ITS A FUCKIN BULLET IN YOUR BRAINS."

I screamed. I cried. I was about to be raped. I was about to be raped with a gun pointed to my head. I was buying feed. The chickens needed feeding and the ground was ripe but I was about to be raped. I heard him unzip. I yelled for help, I yelled out nonsense. I yelled out "PLEASE, PLEASE NO," but there was nothing to be done. The gun was hard pressed against the base of my skull. I cried more. Skinny was erect, and I could feel him entering my ass. It was like being stabbed. I was being raped. Skinny was raping me in the broad of day and not a car was driving by and Fat just watched and laughed.

>>13614550
Simple singin', sitting, thinkin', and a drink to have sippin'. Friend to the left, broken axle at right. Forgot who I was from such a long night. But costumers don't wait, and my wife's wallet ain't safe. So come in, free to see, run by my friend and me, Sneed's Feed And Seed, enter as you please.

When he woke up, the sneed was still there

>>13614550
Simple singin', sitting, thinkin', and a drink to have sippin'. Friend to the left, an axle at the right. Forgot who I was from such a long night. But costumers don't wait, and my wife's wallet ain't safe. So come in, free to see, run by my friend and me, Sneed's Feed And Seed, enter as you please.
>>13614578
Good.
>>13614748
Low effort.
>>13614752
>>13614769
High effort.

>>13614799
>>13614804
Fuck I double posted AGAIN. FUCK. FUCK. I SUCK. FORMERLY CHUCKS.

>>13614550
He ran forward suddenly, heels crashing on the hard tiled floor of the foyer, and tore open the door to the outside. On the steps beyond he halted, threw back his head, and shouted to the city, to Springlfield, to the world.

“God damn you for crazy idiots! All of you! You’re not fit to manage your own sneedy lives! I know you’re fools—I’ve watched you and wept for you. And … Oh my Chuck!”

His voice cracked to a breathy moan.

“I love you city slickers! I’ve tried not to, and I can’t help it. I love you all…”

>>13614806
what an idiot

>>13614550
He'd been a good husband. A faithful man, an understanding, patient, stoic man. He'd ignored it when he saw his wife making eyes at that yuppie at the pub, like he wasn't there. He hadn't asked questions when she had to stay late at work, even though her position was surely too low-level to merit much overtime pay.
But every man has his limit.
The events of the previous night had brought a sort of haze over his brain. Vague, cruel, long-dormant wells of desire and revenge pulled him like a marionette to his liquor cabinet, then out the door, into the car. He had been driving for six hours straight before he even realized where he was going. When it finally occurred to him, a sick spasm suddenly seized his body and he nearly swerved off the road. Nevertheless, he steeled his racing heart and kept on course.
The old shack was in even worse shape than he remembered it. There was only one car parked outside. Business must have taken a dip since the good old days.
Well, he reflected, it is technically the morning.
And the girls weren't allowed to have cars. Even the ones old enough to drive them.

>>13614578
Don't call me Shirley.

>>13614550
Sneed - Feed and Seed. CHUCK - FUCK AND SUCK WE GET IT HAHAHA HA SO FUNNY BECAUSE FUCK AND SUCK FUCK WHOOOOOA BRO LIKE HAVING INTERCOURSE AND FELLATIO HOLY WOW HOW DID THE SIMPSONS GET AWAY WITH THIS ONE? GOLLY GEE WILLIKERS WHAT THE FUCK IT'S ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS AHAHAHAHAHA BECAUSE SNEED SELLS FEED AND SEED WHICH IS TOTALLY NORMAL BUT CHUCK, CHUCKY, CHUCK SELLS FUCK AND SUCK CHUCK SELLS FUCK AND SUCK! FUCK AND SUCK!

"SNEED could be here" he thought, "I've never been in this neighborhood before. There could be SNEED anywhere." The cool wind felt good against his bald head. "I HATE SNEED" he thought. Sneed Dreams are Made of These reverberated his entire car, making it pulsate even as the $9 wine circulated through his powerful thick veins and washed away his (merited) fear of sneed after dark. "With a car, you can go anywhere you want" he said to himself, out loud.

based

>/tv/ has reasonable amount of Simpsons threads
>autists invent “sneedposting” with their announced goal to “drive Simpsons threads back to /co/ where they belong”
>actually accomplish this goal, only Simpsons threads made unironically are made on /co/, no unironic Simpsons threads left on /tv/
>sneedposters however, can’t let go
>first start sneedposting in literally every thread they can find, even if it has literally nothing to do with the Simpsons
>get shit for it because it proves their just autistic spammers who don’t care about “proper board discussion” and just want to be annoying
>sneedposters try to CTR by inventing Simpsons threads, almost always just a quote without context from the Simpsons
>use them to bait other sneedposters and to spam sneed themselves
>but its still not enough
>keep spamming all other threads but have to constantly make new fake Simpsons threads for sneedposting
>now there are more Simpsons threads on /tv/ than there ever were before sneedposting was a thing

>>13617404
wtf sneed is cringe now

>>13617413
it always was faggot

>>13614799
I loved this lol for some reason it really feels nice to read>>13614804

>>13617404
>autists
It was one guy
>invent “sneedposting” with their announced goal to “drive Simpsons threads back to /co/ where they belong”
True, but I don't care. Sneed is just funny, I don't give a shit about board quality on /tv/. Also Sneed has produced 10x more OC than anything you like.

>>13617404
cringe copypasta
>>13619055
this

>>13619055
The problem is the OC is so boring. It's just "lol look this guy's a farmer now"

>>13619055
Sneed is overblown and normie tier cause someone made an Instagram account and a Twitter memer cosplayed as the farmer, it doesn't matter cause come October Joker memes will take over the board again suicide squad style as the movie is literally everything people meme about according to the leaked script

>>13619092
When you really think about it a copypasta is no different than posting an image that's spammed everywhere.

>people still find this shit funny
i stopped laughing at sneed a few weeks after it got big.

>>13614550
El var sinson descendio de su automovil. miro fijamente a los dos rednecks, uno tenia las mejillas llenas de forinculos y el otro ebrio hasta la medula. Subio los escalones y dijo con voz amable "me quiero volver chango" a lo cual sus interlocutores respondieron.

trapped within an incomprehensibly dense web of his own spite and delusion, the boy's eyes were focused intently on the monitor that lied before him, his hands whittled away on his $100 razer brand gaming keyboard, his sanity continued to slowly but surely loosen itself from his pathetic grasp. his den was filled almost entirely with his own waste; discarded food wrappers, unwashed clothing, and useless merchandise bought solely with the money of the only human being he had regular contact with, his ill and rapidly aging mother. his room was merely a byproduct of his complete and utter disinterest in everyday human society. he had not taken a shower or even changed his clothes in almost a month, his hair had gradually become longer and greasier, his skin had become oilier, and he had lost any and all interest in maintaining his body. no, the only thing that was of any consequence to him was his intense fervor, his sheer passion towards the surely glorious mannerism known as "sneedposting". fox's long running animated american sitcom, "the simpsons", was never any good to begin with, despite repeated objections from people who claim otherwise. it was tiresome, pretentiously liberal, and its fans had shown their love for it by repeatedly quoting the same ten jokes from the show ad nauseam for several decades. the boy had decided to put an end to this annoyance by endlessly posting the same joke from "the simpsons", one of its dirtiest, over and over as his way of voicing their displeasure. it was wordplay at its finest; the show's patriarch, homer jay simpson, arrives at a rural convenience store near his childhood home only to find two white impoverished workers sitting and watching underneath the establishment's sign - "sneed's feed & seed", it read, with a small footnote underneath that provided more information about this market - "formerly chuck's", indicating that, while this store's current proprietor is presumably a man known as "sneed", it was at one point owned by someone named "chuck". however, a more discerning viewer would notice that all three words in the phrase "sneed's feed & seed" (except for "and", of course) end with a sort of suffix "-eed", and if you were to take the last three letters of the name "chuck" and substitute sneed's name with chuck's you would get "chuck's fuck and suck". pure genius, the boy thought. erotic humor at its finest. it was such a clever, wonderfully thought out piece of wordplay on writer ian maxtone-graham's part that it was the best thing the simpsons had ever produced, and as such, it would be its inadvertent downfall for the show's fans on the english imageboard 4chan. the boy had finally finished posting his thread, which consisted of merely one word - "sneed", and a screenshot of the gag. it was pure catharsis. another thick load of cum launched from his member and settled in the bottom of his crusty underwear, for the fifth time that day. soon everyone would embrace the ironic beauty of sneed.

>>13619887
this is basically all of them. it's a small group of people definitely that are trying to force this everywhere, the fact sneed is on /lit/ currently proves that.

>>13614550
Sneed's Feed & Seed
Chuck's Fuck & Suck

He pulls up to this little shack in the middle of nowhere. He squints to read the sign.

"Sneeds Feed and Seed Formerly Chucks"

If there's a joke in there, he didn't see it, but if he had to guess there was probably a community of hyper autists spamming boards with this shit. If he had to guess.