/lit/ - Literature

>>13465996
this is mine

>>13466014
lol should i give up on writing

>>13466014
This is...cute? Not in a patronizing, "nice attempt at writing, idiot" sort of way, but in a comforting sort of way, as in the kind of thing that could be read and enjoyed on a nice winter day. Your writing seems fluid enough, and your prose is pretty good, not exactly minimalist or maximalist, but it does lack any stand-out power, at least from what I can tell. Memorable, but not distinct. Just keep writing and reading.

here's a poem.
>21st

Fire is only made terrible by observation of it;

It is feeling it, open-breasted, where the pleasure is.
My heart is empty with coldness and dust like Christmas in July

I had once known great wanderlust, that put me by your side.

Distraught with dirt, you question me with words I haven't heard

And look at me with open eyes, like I can answer you truly.

What do you want from me? I have given you all of my soul.

I have broken bread and made fish and taken the whole

State of things and rent it with unwieldy lightning thundering like God,

Like God ashamed of what he has created, away in an ivory tower filled with filth

And ash. I am on top of Mount Olympus and semen stains the forge of Vulcan,

And bile from ages ago still uncleaned coats the corpse of Dionysus still young, still beautiful, still free.

The walls are coated in shit and defecation has become the way of things, excrement

Has become the only existing symbol of a man's honor in the 21st century.
Fire is only made terrible by observation of it;

To be burned up and float away, above the wreck,

Is beautiful.

>>13466014
get rid of perambulating and it's good

>>13466344
Nice dubs and nice poem. The emotion is almost palpable, and it is mellifluous at times; I would recommend cutting down on a few words to make the rhythm more evident. Just look at all words and determine whether they help to impart your message or whether they bog down the poem.

Here's mine:

Two protuberant lips, like those of a baboon
Envelop a burger- a specimen at its prime
The fat man gives out a pleased croon
As yellowed teeth glazed with grime
Sink into the virgin softness
Of sesame-speckled bread
Engulfs it in his mouth's darkness
As his eyes roll up in his head

A curious lick, almost exploratory
He delivers upon the grilled patty
As his quivering tongue touches ketchup sauce
Upon his chest he makes the sign of the cross

Having finished the bite with much gusto
He allows it to move down his throat
Carbonized cow-meat and baked dough
Suspended in saliva down the passage float

He burps contentedly, thanks God for his meal
And begins the journey to his automobile
Claps once, then twice
Then scoffs, indignant
He seizes a waiter, like a cat seizes mice
And issues a curt order, his eyes malignant

The poor fellow brings the mobility machine,
And hoists the corpulent man atop it
As the duo exits the house of cuisine
A sign can be seen-
"Church of Ronald McDonald, welcome to 2019"

>>13466916
great work dude. very nice use of rhyme here, it has a nice flow to it and doesn't sound to out of place. got a chuckle out of it, which is rare for a poem, for me. you may want to consider a period or two, or maybe some sort of comic exclamation mark. still, its a clever mix of the traditional rhyming ways of english verse with a distinctly modern take on am*ricans and obesity.

>>13466014
Everything about this is super mediocre. The prose is flat, the flow is decent, and the story is a Murakami magical realism imitation.

>>13466014
It is fine. I think I generally like when feelings are induced economically rather than declared outright.
>a terrible paroxysm that felt eerily similar to a pang of nostalgia
is the clunkiest part for my taste.
>>13466344
>"My heart is empty"
>"What do you want from me? I have given you all of my soul"
>Rococo religious/mythical imagery paired provocatively with the scatalogical
>fuck-this-gay-earth self-immolating martyrdom
Sorry mate but this comes off as kind of edgy. Is this about a girl? The first few lines have a much more personal touch to them which was at least intriguing but it pretty quickly turned into this flamboyant fire and brimstone poopoo peepee bit.
>>13466916
Pretty funny

>>13467970
The prose is decent but you sometimes have some unclear pronouns that made me have to track back. The pacing is a bit off but I think you can fix that pretty quickly.

>>13465996
help me nigga
https://justpaste dot it/2sqpq

>>13465996
This is a nice one

>>13468019
thank you

>>13465996
There browsing 4chan /
unaware of the horrors /
lesbians closet

>>13466014
It starts out a bit awkward--maybe you're a little too descriptive and there's a slight juxtaposition of formal tone and colloquial diction--but it picks up and you begin to develop two interesting characters and then an interesting story. If you ever get published I would read this.

>>13466344
>t.trad
The very last line is superb and takes this from being a "pretty good" poem to a very good one, even if I disagree with your theme to an extent. I'm a shit poet though, so take that with a grain of salt.

>>13466916
This doesn't feel at all like a poem, but whatever it is, it's fucking great. Gave me a few good laughs, your message was clear and poignant, and your vocabulary is solid.

>>13467970
Beautiful prose. Keep exploring and keep writing, and you may get published.

>>13468111
This is mine, by the way.

Entropy

Alone, abandoned I stand, stagnant
In this churning sea of chaos and change,
Chaos and rage, chaos of change,
Solitarily trekking through this
World exploding, rocking with discord,
Nothing remaining, everything moving,
So beautifully and tumultuously
Filled with this energy, this entropy,
Voracious, insatiable,
Erupting, overflowing
So elegantly and wildly
Bursting at the seams, unsteadily swelling,
Violent vibrations, steam
Pouring out from under the rumbling lid
Struggling to contain the
Perpetually-tightening, -seizing, -expanding, -oscillating
Body, this untamed, raging beast furiously emerging
From its cage, voraciously warping the very fabrics
Of time and space, and reality itself,
Surpassing all dimensional and metaphysical
Limitations and bounds,
All while I sit here and watch;
I watch wistfully and helplessly,
Knowing that despite the raw awesomeness,
The beauty, the power of the vision, of the sight of such things,
The curse of such knowledge will always be
Loneliness.

The loneliness of aging
The loneliness of watching the sun rise, peak, and set
The loneliness of the mundane, insipid nature of the lives we have no choice but to choose to live
The loneliness of watching the world change
Of watching her change
Of watching her walk away, innocently and unwittingly,
Losing me everything and breaking me
Of watching her buy into it, fit into it, succumb to it—

But this is my destiny,
For I am a traveler,
A traveler who transcends existence
Who can see all and comprehend all,
With such hollow absence of a way to feel any of it.

After the second glass of wine, Nikolai’s vision returned to normal, however this time it was accompanied by a head which slightly swayed. While Nikolai stood there, having the sun’s ray’s sweep across his face, the clamor of all the crowd’s small talk was calming. His body began to buzz and grow warm which when accompanied by the afternoon breeze made him feel comfortable. Each motion which his body made felt as though it were done through a cloth of silk and every breath he would take tasted sweeter than the last. Once Nikolai made his way to the end of the table, he took plate and began filling it with food. With crackers and deli meets piled high on his plates, he took a glass of wine and made his way to a chair. From the corner of the courtyard, Nikolai sat with his eyes glued to his plate. Every so often he’d lift his head up only to take a sip from his wine. After eating his fill, Nikolai set the plate down, which was still half filled with food, and sat back, watching time pass. While he floated in the corner of that place, he was gleefully watched the customers come and go, grabbing food and wine and then leaving. It was odd to him how much trust the store owners put into their customers; in fact it seemed to him that many of those so called customers were nothing more than regular people who decided that they would get in on the free food and wine. But while he sipped his wine, he decided not to give the situation anymore thought for it was a beautiful day.
When Nikolai finished his glass of wine, he got up and approached the table. As the grass swept across the soles of his feet and his hands swayed in the wonderful air, the girl with the blonde hair stepped in front of him.
“Hey! I don’t think I ever got your name.”
“Oh, hello,” Nikolai said chuckling, “I’m Nikolai. Could I – but you can call me Niko. Could I ask you what your name is?” For a moment Nikolai was suspiscious of giving her his name, however when he looked into her eyes, his anxieties flew away in soft, daytime breeze.
“I’m Finja. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” She then extended her hand which Nikolai eagerly shook. The two talked for quite some time and during their entire exchange Nikolai could not look away from her eyes. While the two were beginning to become comfortable with one another, a dark cloud raced across the sky, obscuring the sun above them. Nikolai was disinhearteed when that happened, for suddenly the wolrd was too dark to appreciate any of its detail. And to add further to his dismay, the daytime breeze began to blow coldly with violence. Yet the crowd lingered in the courtyard, but not for long for soon the few drops of rain which fell from the sky, scared the crowd to such an extent that they decided to disperse. While everyone was making their way inside, more rain began to fall.

Please go hard on me.

i'm fairly new to writing, and i'd like a critique pls

>>13468361
decent. there are some parts which are hard too follow along. the main problem is that you seem to drone on too much about things, like how the narrator liked his room messy and then the contents of the room. it's like you're repeating yourself. nonetheless, the story is interesting and has promise. i found the situation to be pretty cool. also the prose isn't that bad at all either. just some parts where you're being repititive, or where the flow is choppy.

all in all, keep up the work; it's nothing a bit of editing can't solve.

>>13468386
oh good this helps me a lot. thanks dude.

I waz whitemailed
By a white witch,
Wid white magic
An white lies,
Branded by a white sheep
I slaved as a whitesmith
Near a white spot
Where I suffered whitewater fever.
Whitelisted as a whiteleg
I waz in de white book
As a master of white art,
It waz like white death.

People called me white jack
Some hailed me as a white wog,
So I joined de white watch
Trained as a white guard
Lived off the white economy.
Caught and beaten by de whiteshirts
I waz condemned to a white mass,
Don't worry,
I shall be writing to de Black House.

>>13468390
anytime. just remember one thing: read and practice as much as you can. there will be times when your prose is beautiful and times when your prose is shit. what matters is that you keep on moving along.

don't give up. i've been on that edge far too many times...

r8 my poem:

>I'm in the matrix
>You're a gay bitch

thnx in advance

I've been having trouble getting prose down lately.

>>13466344
Unreadable! Dionysus is a greek god, Vulcan is a roman god. Bacchus or (Father) Liber would be the roman name for Dionysus, Hephaestus the greek equivalent of vulcan. Also a poem about Dionysus that doesn't reference spring flowers or the late summer sun is an afront against the gods.

>>13466916
Almost the perfect poem but 'almost exploratory' makes it utter shit.

>>13467970
You write prose like I do, a.k.a. very poorly. Also crit other people when you post, scum!

>>13468116
crit other people you worthless turd!

>>13468349
crit other people you disgusting worm!

>>13468361
crit other people you stanky crust!

>>13468393
crit other people you feckless oaf!

>>13468984
crit other... oh w8, thats me heehaw

>>13469012
maybe crit other people you fetid, braindead sewer rat!

>>13469085
Fine fine. I just don't like critting when I'm sleepy you simson posting bafoon. Now crit mine >>13469012
>>13468361
Pretty fucking thicc paragraphs, but your immediacy makes up for it. Consider different paragraph spacing. The capitals are off but I figured that was a style choice.
>>13468349
Seems a little lacking in the conflict department. I was always told that everything you write should have conflict. If it's an opening scene though, I'd say it gets a pass, but bring sone conflict in soon.
>>13467970
This is super telly and not showy. I know that seems like a meme but really, I'd rather see the butt end of your fucked up tooth dream than for me to have to imagine a tooth dream by what you are telling me. Hella unique though, I like where it seems to be going.

Keep chisling everyone.

>>13469085
I fucking did crit other people, retard. >>13468111 has the critiques for >>13468116. I thought I made this clear.

>>13469373
told you I was a retard when tired

>>13469380
wait no you aren't simson man
>case in point
Christ my brain is pretty mush.

>>13466014
Perambulating is 100% the wrong word here, just sounds autistic.

This is coming from a fan of 3$ words too

>>13469373
>implying I'm gonna actually read you post before attacking you

>>13469085
>>13468349
I critted other people doot

i need help fast
>The sun is kissing the horizon when he leaves the carriage, knuckles white around knapsack straps. When they had set out — when he hugged each sister goodbye, received a nod from Mother and Father — it was burning low.
does this sentence make sense? i'm trying to convey the passage of time; the run had been rising when they left, now it's the stages of setting.

>>13470573
What I gather from this is that he got ready at sunrise and left at sunset.
Also kiss is just a weird way to refer to the sun I'm sorry it's probably just me

>>13470573
The sentence makes sense, the sun can "kiss" the horizon as it falls. It can "marry" the horizon or "join" with it or "meld" with it or what have you.

>>13470592
>>13470609
alright, thanks.
how about this?
>The sun is out of sight when he leaves the carriage, knuckles white around knapsack straps. When they had set out — when he hugged each sister goodbye, received a nod from Mother and Father — it was burning low. It rose as they rolled through the city's cobbled streets, across bridged rivers and through towns that became villages that became an occasional hut off in the distance, and shone bright over a wood he'd never seen before. The sky had been lost as they traveled beneath thick canopy; but here, in this clearing, Eden notes the hues of late day. Sees the final streaks of red and gold cast across a darkening sky.

>>13470631
>out of sight
Implies it is gone down. Yes, clarified later, but in this moment it is unclear.
Maybe instead
>the sun barely peaked
>the morning was dark/-the evening was burning low
>the sun began it's circut

Or whatever.

>>13470573
Your use of tense is kind of weird. Maybe:
>it [had been] burning low [in the East]

>>13469012
This started out pretty interesting but turned into generic dark fantasy pretty quick or even like a novel adaptation of some dark fantasy video game. If my prose is too telly, yours is perhaps too showy. I think that this is ultimately a matter of taste but for me there is a lot of unnecessary detail here.
The tension between, innocence, isolation rabbits, habits, fire, and alcohol is full of potential but they evaporate under a run of the mill "call to action"-- "Maybe someday you will learn the secrets of magic " Go, just leave me!" in the hero's journey.

>>13470813
Makes sense. I'm very much still expirementing, so this is all great to know now before I run my ruts.

>>13471428
keep it up bro

>>13470813
Also you'll have to forgive me in my previous mite sized crit, I was a sleepy bitch.
Your protagonist is interesting as hell, and I think that's making me want to know more. He's a bizzare guy, I want to watch him do more things. Descriptions are solid too. The whole telly vs showy thing is a preference so, I'd say it's good. Wish I could have a bit of context, but that's half the fun of it.

bump.

r8 my bump

>>13473013
It's a nice bump.
But why did you shape it like a penis?

Wrote this a while ago, was a fun one. I probably won't care enough to go back and actually do anything but I would appreciate criticism just for the sake of general learning and improvement.

>>13468116
The monotonous, literal description of such awesome, grand events is somewhat jarring and depressing but based on the ending that might be what you're going for, in which case I like it and relate to it.

I think it would help to cut or replace "the mundane insipid nature of", since it's mostly implied already and the double "of" is unwieldy, and "losing me everything" sounds awkward and grammatically incorrect. The last stanza could probably benefit from being trimmed down a little for a heavier impact. "No choice but to choose to live" is a nice turn of phrase, though.

>>13467970
The overall thrust of it doesn't do much for me but that's subjective. What I like about it is that you state things matter-of-factly and it actually has the desired effect, which is not easy to do for me, although that might also be a subjective thing based on how one's writing style naturally develops. Even though it doesn't grab my interest much, it's very relaxing and enjoyable to read. I don't have any real advice, just keep it up.

>>13466014
Besides what others have already mentioned about a few out-of-place words or phrases, I like it, the only thing I'll say is that the sentences, especially when you get to the more emotionally charged parts of the sequence, could use a fair amount of reworking to achieve a flow that's more evocative and less distant, but it has a lot of promise in my opinion.

>>13465996

>>13473480

Omar as my witness, speaking my truth
Epiphanies struck, unveiling this sooth
A one-of-a-kind map for astral views
To peep secret hides, guarded from Jews
Treasure so fine, their bright splendors divine
By Congresswomen’s secret sauna brine
Steep psychic feats to remote view therein
And so overhear girl-talk sans chagrin
Dwelling in drops of random sweats and dews
Spying hydrous lensing shimmers and skews
Sparkly beads, streamlets our viewing portals
Their gossips shocking for normie mortals
Every week to the sauna, the Squad
AOC, Ayanna and Ilhan just nod

>>13465996

>>13474232
don't invoke people better than you. the last thing you want to do as a writer is suggest people for your readers to check out as a palate-cleanser.
also what the fuck does kafka have to do with dante

>>13469012
i think it's human nature to shorten goodbyes. hence, "peace" instead of "goodbye" and "tschüss" instead of "auf wiedersehen." good use of color, tho. my favorite bit by far is the "circle, circle, circle" part. reduplication is sadly underused.

>>13468361
please tell me where you can get brandy for $6. that would help me out a lot. all i've got to work with is $12 bourbon.
um. i'm personally biased because i like shit to be clean, but comparing a clean apartment to rape is a little iffy. also, the singular is "simulacrum," and i'm not impressed by the fact that you've skimmed baudrillard. you go on too long for the subject matter, too.

>>13467970
you seem very in tune with your own mind. the end is a little confusing, but the part with the pulse is beautiful. keep it up.

>>13473456
too many adverbs

>>13469012
Hi, I edited this in some minor ways but, I think it may have fixed some things.
https://justpaste dot it/5vkim

Time to crit like Pokemon.
>>13473677
I like this.
>>13473480
>>13473483
Maybe try putting this on a word doc and screencapping. But the actual things I'm reading here...what are you getting at? I may be dumb, but I'm not following at first run through, sorry.
>>13474232
This is charming in it's own way. Hope you don't plan on doing this for a whole novel though. A short story in this format could work. Neat work.
>>13474798
Good prose, good flow, I had trouble telling where you were in the begining, but now I got it. Maybe consider thinning up the dividing prose a little? That's just personal preference there though.

Strong, white, masculine body looks oh so divine.

I am forever yours, you are eternally mine.

White skin on white skin, we are God's chosen one.

Running away together, to the island in the sun.

Beautiful white utopia man, I give my life and body to you.

With your perfect chisled face, and eyes of crystal blue.

White love is natural, as God intended us together.

White tribes are the chosen, like birds of a feather.

Beautiful Superior Europe, taking back our homeland.

This is what He wants, this is all part of God's plan.

Perfect white Warrior Man, I know you're out there for me.

I would cross the highest mountain, and swim the coldest sea.

Your perfect sexy looks, your children I will certainly bare.

Your white maiden awaits you, with perfect skin equally as fair.

I want to feel

Love again

I want to feel

Its highs and lows

I want to feel

Joy in love's beautiful dance

I want to feel

Serenity with love's fingers in my hair

I want to feel

Anger at love's rose-colored lies

I want to feel

Sadness at love's unfulfilled promises

I want to feel

Love again

Because I want to feel

Everything or Anything

And right now I feel

Nothing at all

>>13475944
I can't wait for the nu-metal resurrection in 2020

This heart of mine
A black hole
Bottomless void with unbearable weight
Reaching out
for anything to make it fall
It consumes what it touches
Not even Light can reach it
Yet this abyss was once a star
Raging with Light
Its sweet warmth
Could be felt from afar
Perhaps one day
This old star
Will shine again

pls crit -- trying out some prose.

>>13468116
good lines
"pouring out from under the rumbling lid"

cliches
"alone abandoned I stand"
"churning sea of chaos"
"solitarily" - redundant
"bursting at the seams"
"voraciously warping the very fabrics oftime and sapce, and reality itself"

the whole thing is just vapid pretensious nonsense. the final verse was a struggle to get through.

general life advice: don't fall in love with your loneliness, misery and rejection. it's not an aesthetic, it's a problem you should overcome.

>>13471517
too obtuse. smth to do with islam?

>>13475959
awful
vapid im-depressed :( cliches
find novel modes of expression

The beginning of something I'm currently writing.

>>13473483
It seems contrived, particularly the 'art' metaphor.

>>13475760
Disingenuous garbage, you've brutalized your supposed subject matter with cheap and arbitrary phrases.
> White love is natural, as God intended us together. White tribes are the chosen, like birds of a feather.
It's just so obvious.

>>13474860
Well if you’re counting prepositional phrases used as adverbial expressions, that’s fair, though I’m not sure what the alternative would be considering those often carry more important information than a normal one-word adverb.

>>13476057
It's hard to judge as a piece of prose because it seems like it was written by someone learning English.

>the boy is dressed in Sunday best
>all around is cottage

That aside, it needs more context, otherwise, your painting of an uncertain picture is simply annoying.

>>13473456
Things like this are really hard to critique 'objectively'. It's certainly functional as prose but it comes across as really edgy, likely because you are thrusting upon us a tragic character without making us give a fuck about him first.
Take this as you will but I read this as
> Blacksmith Sasuke angry-cries while he makes a sword and then fights god.

r8 my poem:
>Mountains of tracks where cartons of morphine are sold
>I don't care that you look like a duck

thnx in advance

>>13471517
its like you're flexing that you know words

>>13473456
its fine

>>13473480
thnx but no thnx

>>13473677
you tried to be funny, that takes bravery, keep trying maybe developing a unique personality might help

>>13474232
poo on you

>>13474798
>look at me, I'm writing a story
I don't care what he was wearing

>>13475466
>materialized coyly through lackluster material
chill out
Also it sounds like you want to be making pictures not words, try to evoke rather than insisting on creating a precise scene

>>13475944
geez

>>13475959
see above

>>13475998
you should have a little irreverant sidekick that only he can see

>>13476057
i dig it

>>13474798
Have you recently read 'American Psycho', by any chance?

I submitted this one to a poetry newsletter/magazine. Still waiting on their response.


Such a fire of jealousy becomes a passion
Set within my boughs, adorned in wrong fashion,
And spinning roughly, stripping leaves not offered,
Rather, then, plead than plode, an answer proffered
Not, but an answer taken yet not given, is an answer still;
Spun webs of gossamer lies, go so far beyond my eyes,
Beyond these clouded globe theatre’s half-move plies.
Too confusing is this game for me, too convoluted that
Such a fire of jealousy becomes a passion.

Last post of last thread, thus no critique.

So, is this worth a damn?
Morning sun,
Broken through, have you?
Let me roll this heap,
This pile,
This singularity of being,
Let me stretch into form!
Let me spread across threads!
Of time? Of sheets?
This body, bound in fabric,
Itself boundless,
Will stretch at the scorching light
To break the endless by finding ends
In eyes, lips and limbs.

>>13475466
anon here

>>13476163
too many of those little descriptions that accompany every line of dialogue that don't really add much to the conversation.
Either add more details that describe the speaker's expression or intention or just leave them out entirely cause it kinda breaks the flow, at least for me.

>>13473677
Omar as my witness, speaking my truth
Epiphanies struck, unveiling this sooth
A one-of-a-kind map for astral views
To peep secret hides, guarded from Jews
Treasure so fine, their bright splendors divine
By Congresswomen’s secret sauna brine
Steep psychic feats to remote view therein
And so overhear girl-talk sans chagrin
Dwelling in drops of random sweats and dews
Spying hydrous lensing shimmers and skews
Sparkly beads, streamlets our viewing portals
Their gossips shocking for normie mortals
Every week to the sauna, the Squad
AOC, Ayanna and Ilhan just nod
Three trams, two lifts, through adorbs French doors
Their weekly respite from programmed white whores
Tiresome brawling this town’s old cheap sports
Once here, even tight Rashida cavorts
Representation is quite exhausting
Explained Ilhan unsealing her frosting
Paired today with cardamom pear slices
Omar still profane at insulin prices
‘Til AOC cracked memes, dancing woke jigs
Swearing to get her one of those paypigs
Phones finally off, their hair up and wrapped
Plush towels and robes brushed their skin enrapt
Slipping off sandals before sauna’s step
Ilhan asked Ayanna “What is a “schlep?”
One by one, through cedar doors they filed
Besties recharging mystiques to wild
Cozily secure, commencing routines
They were all too woke for any yaskweens

He looked upwards -
Sight held in repetitions of 3 to 4

He adds them to his mumblings
To find the pattern again

He insists the dragon was inferred
The dragon he heard
In the melody he recognized
In repetitions of 3 to 4

Go relentless. Thoughts on the form/ style/diction plz

>>13476057
a decent pastiche of a youtube ASMR video

>>13466916
It's really no surprise the majority of you don't get published when you keep writing archaic, formal shit like this.

>>13477014
Omar as my witness, speaking my truth
Epiphanies struck, unveiling this sooth
A one-of-a-kind map for astral views
To peep secret hides, guarded from Jews
Treasure so fine, their bright splendors divine
By Congresswomen’s secret sauna brine
Steep psychic feats to remote view therein
And so overhear girl-talk sans chagrin
Dwelling in drops of random sweats and dews
Spying hydrous lensing shimmers and skews
Sparkly beads, streamlets our viewing portals
Their gossips shocking for normie mortals
Every week to the sauna, the Squad
AOC, Ayanna and Ilhan just nod
Three trams, two lifts, through adorbs French doors
Their weekly respite from programmed white whores
Tiresome brawling this town’s old cheap sports
Once here, even tight Rashida cavorts
Representation is quite exhausting
Explained Ilhan unsealing her frosting
Paired today with cardamom pear slices
Omar still profane at insulin prices
‘Til AOC cracked memes, dancing woke jigs
Swearing to get her one of those paypigs
Phones finally off, their hair up and wrapped
Plush towels and robes brushed their skin enrapt
Slipping off sandals before sauna’s step
Ilhan asked Ayanna “What is a “schlep?”
One by one, through cedar doors they filed
Besties recharging mystiques to wild
Cozily secure, commencing routines
They were all too woke for any yaskweens
This sleuthing psychonaut’s seen it twelve times
Ayanna and Airpods, whispering rhymes
Ilhan and AOC knuckling each’s soles
Rolling soothed eyes at Pelosi’s gay polls
Rashida climbs to a cedar lauteet
Her perspiry posed lotus long lauded
Robes rolled into pillows, prone and supine
Threaded fingers through toes to entwine
Glistening russet, burnt and kobicha
AOC quotes The Bhagavad Gita
Slinking away to douse in cold showers
Attendants give drinks garnished with flowers
Wired for racing, the ladies would vie
To cool and return before footprints dry
No matter their yoga dribbled puddles
Salty Cedar playas parch to bubbles
Sharing sacred heat bathing pores deep
Far and away from crudely voting sheep

>>13477014
>>13477366
Boomers would find it funny if they didn't experience the fact that they couldn't parse it as a micro-aggression

>>13477387
I just write to hang out with cool ladies

>the world's smallest eschatology

Little shades gather around the head;

Two coins on the eyes, one below the tongue.

Take care for Charon about the dead,

Take care for the life of a man's son

Lost to the trials, o war, lost to the whims of the world,

Inscrutable like the way that ocean currents are-

Unfathomably deep and impossibly unreachable

As graspable as the moon in the lake, or the star

Glimmering beneath a clear sky twice roiled by wind.

Take care to care for the life of another,

Take care to think about what will come, and what has.

Take care to care about the life of a mother-

Alone, waiting for the vagaries of life to pass.

Look at the little shades dancing in the dark,

Awaiting a soul's descent to oblivion,

The umbral world, non-euclidean

In every way that matters.

No one seriously denies this

-these hereafter decrees-

Though they think it so.

Logic disagrees and Science disagrees

But inside you,

you know.

So there I was! Drinking brandy from a glass fish, reading on literature, a critique thread. So and so, here I go....
>>13466014
Much work to do, but little to see. I suggest taking a literature class or three!
>>13466344
An observation for your contemplation. You have found sound but not form, and so...... I'd rather be eating corn!
>>13466916
Vivid and vile I find great taste. But as many strangers would say, not based!
>>13467970
A mistake an error, here and there. At the bottom of the page, you should stare!
>>13468035
A copy a repeat, another reposting. Indeed it seems, this needs little boasting!
>>13468116
Without a thesaurus indeed I would be remiss. Without a thesaurus indeed, I would a kiss!
>>13468349
You ask for it hard, you ask for it true. Indeed, reading this made me quite blue!
>>13468361
A suggestion, a lesson from an unknown friend. Fixing spellcheck, is around the bend!
>>13468393
This gave me joy, this gave me song. I would never say you are a mong!
>>13468984
>you're on the bottom.
>you never ever gottem!
>>13469012
Your conversation is good, your prose is true. With such great work, why be so blue!
>>13470573
Once again I must impress. The end, the end, much duress!
>>13471517
I must admit I never quite cared. For anything you ever blared.
>>13473456
A bit of repetition here and there. But as this is I cannot stare!
>>13473480
Many thoughts in your head. But really, really, go to bed!
>>13473677
Cute and fickle, sweet and couth. I would keep you in my booth!
>>13474232
A fun endeavor, of so clever. I don't mind if I treasure!
>>13474798
Genuine and true is this a novel? I must say, many should grovel!
>>13475466
A few more months of good fortune. Then maybe you'll find decent portion!
>>13475760
Passion and pride, all in one. But really does it not block out the sun!
>>13475944
All you do is croon and you slobber. But really we know you are a jobber!
>>13475959
Perhaps it will, perhaps it won't. All I can say is, you really don't.

>>13476057
CONT

>>13476095
ah peak. english is my first language. i thought using cottage as a mass-noun was edgy.

>>13476181
this is bad.
there's no meter.
"fire of jealousy"
"boughs"
rhyming passion with fashion
eek

if they publish that lmk

>>13476654
not bad.
but delete clutter.
eg "scorching light"

try cut it down by a few lines, or add another thought.

>>13477151
This is good.
- is 2nd person really effective here? might be a bit gimmicky. try other voices. a 1st person stream of conscious or check-list might be better.

"instential troubles" -> "intestine troubles"
"bad things" -> hmm, change noun
"writhing sessions" -> "sessions writhing"
(do sessions writhe? or do you writhe?)
"that you watched on your phone" -> redundant
"bed x2" -> change one

"all thing...destination" -> redundant
"females" -> change noun

"your thoughts... about how" -> redundant. write thought, then put " ..., or so you'd read".
-directions pointless and boring -- adds nothing. other than saying "i'm doing that old-timey gimmick of verisimilitude through missing information"

overall: 7/10 worth improvement. which is more than most of this thread.

>>13478149
I appreciate your suggestions a lot. As for the choice second-person perspective of this piece, my main intention was to facilitate--as well as poke fun at--the carefree expression that comes from something like a diary entry. It wasn't a deliberation that rejected other narrative possibilities though, so I'm going to eventually try one in the stream of consh style.

Splintering blue
A gust of wind,
An act of God,
A swaying branch,
A nest perched precariously in a pine tree,
Grass that seemed so soft and safe
Now a wall of bricks,
Hard, unforgiving, treacherous,
Does it hear the rushing wind,
The ground closing fast,
Split seconds, split shells,
Light green, light blue and yellow,
How does the mother feel,
Does she feel?

One less mouth to feed,
One less worm to catch,
Does she notice,
Does it eat her up inside,
Why would he do this,
Who's to blame,
Does she blame?
Sadness, grief, regret?
Still, she wakens to welcome the rising sun.

Below, a reminder,
Ignored?
Mourned?
Does it take its toll?
Or will it be forgotten,
Blue and yellow dried on grass.

1/2

>>13478500
2/2

I topped the hill out of breath.

Rookie mistake, but nerves had taken me. My eyes came upon the huddled mass, and its crooked neck craned upwards and the slits of its eyes were on me. As thought it were a fluid boulder, the creature began to posture compactly as it faced toward my position.

I said it silently at first, then grew loud. "Shit, shit shit shit. Shit, Harris!" I called to the wizard, "Harris get up here now!"

Its wings unfolded to a full twelve pace wingspan and began to churn. I brought the rifle to my shoulder with eyes like dinner plates. I swung the muzzle across the glen, at first behind it, then arcing towards the trajectry I predicted it would take.

Just two gallops and the young lizard had started airborne. I held the tension in my throat as I slapped the trigger in a panic. The shot pulled hard right. I cursed myself as I racked the bolt of my Weatherby Mark Five.

Careening around, it took an arc around toward the hilltop where I stood. I inhaled hard and held it in, ensuring by feet were beneath me. I snorted a harsh exhale and stopped my lungs, both eyes fixed on the target. I pulled the trigger slowly.

The break surprised me, and the recoil of the large caliber shunted into my shoulder. The shot was not a killer, but it had postponed the strafe. There wasn't time to admire my work as I worked the bolt again to chamber another round. Puffing loudly, the rest of the the team had finally topped the hill. The newest member of the party, Linsley, chimed in between panting breaths, "Finally we see a dragon," he managed, sucking in air, "I was beginning to think they weren't real after all!"

“Hey, man. I own the tuxedo store just down the road…

Getcha in somethin’ nice.

Gonna need it for all the debutante balls and such come this Winter season.”

“New York has fallen, though, sir.

Ah, yes, New York has fallen into the wretched grip of this faux middle class.

They haven’t a need for balls or ceremony.

Spit spit spit in the face of rules and regulation

But, that isn’t the problem, sir…

It’s that which they are perpetuating–a whole new kind of vain hollow regime.

Laughing in the face of conformity whilst they march through the hive…

And they won’t listen when you tell em otherwise.

My friend, New York has fallen…further than ever before.

Our neighbors are but drones with programmed avarice minds.

The syndicate sells them “happiness” for a hefty cost

I’d rather buy mine on Avenue D.”

>>13477746
Blessed post
Thank you blessed anon

Walking with you and another lady
In wooded parkland, the whispering grass
Ran its fingers through our guessing silence
And the trees opened into a shady
Unexpected clearing where we sat down.
I think the candour of the light dismayed us.
We talked about desire and being jealous,
Our conversation a loose and single gown
Or a white picnic table spread out
Like a book of manners in the wilderness.
'Show me,' I said to our companion, 'what
I have much coveted, your breast's mauve star'
And she consented. O neither these verses
Nor my prudence, love, can heal your wounded stare.

I have forgotten the pleasant aromas which accompany those who haven't forsaken normal life. When I try to imagine embracing a woman I can only inhale my own stale stench and no matter how beautiful the lady within my minds eye I shudder with repulsion and am shaken back to cold, lonesome reality. It must have been so nice, in the life which now clips through my head, the pretty movie which represents those days when I still attempted to fit into the world and even fooled myself and several others into believing I was one of them, it must have been so nice back then to feel the flesh of one other than myself and be drawn closer within their folds by the wonderful odor of their human soul. Did I ever even experience that moment? Or is everything I remember preceding this boring present just a desperate embellishment, automatically generated by my subconscious to preserve the little sanity I have left.

Nevermind. The feeling such fantastic musings generate is real enough. It makes me desire ice cream, served to me by a woman who nestles me against her breast and sits patiently as I take my time eating the vanilla scoop, savoring its coldness and it's ability to numb those corners of my mouth scorched by the bile regurgitated when I catch a wiff of myself

>>13477366
Ladeled water Ayanna sublimates
While Ilhan raves for more Islamic States
When she gets like this, Squad empaths engage
Dialing Somali by thermal gauge
Fingers furrowing calves, feeding her fruit
Ayanna circled stressed temples astute
Feminine synchrony or whipped hormones
Bashful weepings puffed each their young cheekbones
No measures dire nor aisle’s ire
Could shake the Squad’s devotional fire
Sauna space was more than safe. It was theirs.
Ayanna flexed femorals as prized mares
Frigid plunge fresh, pale AOC returns
With fresh towels and a sweaty Sauternes
A Lobbyist’s gift from Lyon shipwrecks
To each Ilhan toe, Rashida’s quick pecks
Those spry size sixes, beguilingly formed
The bench by her feet is avidly swarmed
Lithely silken, Ilhan’s feet strike quite fair
Barely touched by sun, her arches dipped rare

I want to electrocute her every time she laughs at his stupid jokes. With every laugh, she points her size C breasts up into the air purposefully to torture me. Bitch! Cold electricity running through your body! I want to cut off his arm, which is much larger than mine, and feed it to the sharks. That should make a nice snack for them.

I can’t hold back a sneeze and count a single “bless you” in the room. Later, she will sneeze and everyone will bless her. Everyone except me of course.

But how will I electrocute her? Maybe I will wrap the copper wires around each of her toes. What color is her toe nail polish? It’s like plum, but more pink. She flexes her toes and lifts her foot into the air to taunt me. She’s laughing at me! I really hate her now.

-my diary entry for the day

>>13479181
Coined “Medicinal feet” by the Squad’s slang
Her peds wiggle away any harangue
Sleepy Ilhan’s feet are highly sought props
Pinching AOC’s fat blunts, “Kush Psy-Ops”
Puffing long drags from sour apple cones
Inbound tangents about Skull and Crossbones
Pizza arrives too late, a fate most cruel
Atop Ayanna, AOC snores drool

>>13465996

this is something i threw together awhile ago just to get back into the habit of writing. Ill post more if theres interest.

Would someone please tell me whether this is good or not?

In the dark the sun doth gleam,
And in the dark the moon doth seem
But now the evening is begun–
Gone is the sun upon the earth!
The silver moon doth like a cup
Of blood-red wine, and as that cup
Is drained of life, doth quench no drop.
What man will drink such wine?
There is no soul of earth or birth
Which man hath never known of earth.
There is no soul who doth not sit
And sing to it, and cry, “Drink!”
There is no soul whose feet are set
On youth’s eternal paradise;
For all is a solemn harmony,
And all is a perpetual chant,
And all the world is a song of God.
There is no soul so wholly free

>>13479767
I'm having trouble following this. Like, quotations marks to block off dialouge and thought would help. But it just seems confusing to me to read.

>>13479767
You need to employ the basic rules of diction, such as you quotation marks; having new paragraphs for each speaker; having an indentation for each paragraph.