/lit/ - Literature

>>13428527
Bretty gud.

Really bad. Would blow my brains out if I had a gun

On the verge of suicide, again. Help me anons.

>>13428527
i'm high on edibles and laying down so things could be worse

ha ha ha ha ha laughing at the spider pig joke in the cinema, with my mum and my sister. :(

>>13428541
If you’re dead you can’t eat cheeseburgers.

>>13428541
>>13428539

What's happening b?

>>13428527
Good! I may have fixed my sleep schedule at last. And I got to write some philosophy thoughts today. But I've lost my literature reading pace, and that's bothering me. I was reading a lot (70 pages of one book + additional reading from other books) before two days ago. Don't know what happened.

>>13428542
Sounds comfy

Pretty cool, learning about the Thoth Tarot and by extension kabalah. Comfy

>>13428539
Absolutely based, but surely you have a knife, aspirin, a bathtub, and alcohol.

I’m reading Shankara. Afterwards I’m going to get into German Idealism and call it quits on learning new philosophy. I’ll probably just go over Shankara/Plato/Aristotle/Buddha/Camus from time to time and enjoy literature like Homer and Goethe.

I am watching the game

>>13428555
my sleep schedule is complete turmoil, how'd you fix yours?

>>13428555
Nice trips. Don’t worry about your reading pace buddeh, you’ll get back into it in no time. Books don’t vanish.

>>13428542
Watch The Twilight Saga high. It’s a ride.

>>13428568
OP here, might have to try that actually

I'm jerking off while I watch TV with my son

Pretty good although I now owe 500 on my credit card which I won't have for another paycheck or two because my friend that I went traveling with kinda ruined us by being really low IQ financially. So I'm stressed about that. Not sure if I should ask my dad to borrow some money or just let my credit take a hit, never really been in this situation and don't have the best relationship with my dad.

>>13428560
you sound like you've read a lot what are some of your favorite books ?

>>13428573
What country do you live in

>>13428582
Israel

>>13428577
It wont be a big hit and it'll recover fast, try a payday loan maybe? It's more expensive tho

>>13428548
My autogynephilia acted up for a moment and I felt the slightest amount of hope about the future

>>13428598
Just do nofap for a few months it goes away

>>13428546
Q is so fucking hot...

>>13428604
Done that, it keeps coming back. Had it since before puberty. It's probably the most stable character trait I've had in my life

>>13428615
I have fantasised about cuddling with him multiple times... :(

>>13428620
What is ur position on it? Like y arent u transitioning?

>>13428639
I would if I knew I would pass, but my family would all disown my and I look super masculine regardless. I'm 23 so my hips have already fused. Thinking about just killing myself, it's not like I have any future

>>13428579
Plato’s Complete Works
Aristotle’s Conplete Works
Goethe’s Complete Works

I’ve recently taken an interest in poetry too. Some of Dickinson’s writings give me chills, but I don’t know why. Shankara is an excellent read.

Most of my best reading experiences come after learning a body of knowledge, such as a religion or the happenings of an historical period, and then reading some authors’ take on it. The ends always seem to justify wading through the body of facts. Thomas Carlyle’s writings on the French Revolution were incredible for example.

>>13428527
I've been performing a lot of introspection lately, thanks in part to my contact with Buddhist philosophy, and their emphasis on the "mind as the forerunner of all things".

My life has improved greatly from it. It feels like I lived as a robot previously, not observing myself nearly to the degree one should. Like I was merely on autopilot, and have recently started gaining self-awareness of myself.

I have a journal where I leave my thoughts down. Nothing revolutionary, most people do this, but for me I guess I've been drifting through life a bit more unreflectively than most. In this journal, I list the various complexes of my being, and try and organize them into a clear picture of myself. Ascertaining the causes for all of my internal and external behaviors. Recognizing my social anxiety, and the fakeness which comes from it, to be born of my self-perception that I am "abnormal" and "deficient" compared to everyone else, thus bringing me to be anxious around them, and to attempt to gain validation from them, who I perceive as my superiors, through behaviors not true of my genuine self. And this perception of deficiency, and the anxiety born of it, is so deeply-rooted that my behavior is instinctive - I behave fake around others not intentionally, but like a wind-up-toy whose trigger is the presence of any company.

And my recognition is that if I simply changed my self-perception, that of me being abnormal compared to others, then all of the products above it would naturally change too. The anxiety would dissolve, having no foundation to rest on, and the behaviors of fakeness would too, having nothing to animate them.

This is an example for one complex of my being, which I've performed for as many others as I can observe. Trying to understand my decade-long depression by the same process, for example. Operating on the belief that we have fundamental pillars within ourselves that form our Being at any given time, and these pillars being the basis of all our behaviors in a certain area. The attempt to ascertain which of these behaviors are changeable and which are not, and which need changing and which do not.

And I feel I've had glimpses of "alternate psyches" in the days I've spent on this process. As in, I've had moments where I genuinely felt like a different person, by virtue of having momentarily changed a fundamental aspect of my outlook, and thereby no longer the receiver of that aspect's effects on me. It was incredible, for example, to simulate a scenario of me being around my highschool's "popular kids", and not feeling any need for validation from them, because I'd internally, temporarily rewired myself so as to not perceive them as having anything to bring to me.

Pretty basic introspection, I know. But for me, it's been the onset of something life-changing. I used to think I was merely stuck as what I am forever, whereas I now see myself as having great room for change.

May all of you here gain peace.

>>13428656
Get into mma to keep your mind off it?

>>13428527
Does anyone have advice on how to force myself to work?
I really need to study for some exams but I just can't push myself, I have no passion for this shit and I'm not good at it either

>>13428620
>trying to convince yourself of the legitimacy of your autogynephilia
Trannies always fucking do this. Legit you’re the type of person who cuts their dick off because you tell yourself there is no other way then you have to cope with the horrible self mutilation for the rest of your life. For your own sake stop talking to other trannies and don’t exacerbate your sickness by surrounding yourself with your fellow ill.

>>13428669
force yourself to be bored, get rid of whatever's making you not bored so you'll be staring at a wall until you'll start working. Basically get off 4chan and youtube or whatever other site you use.

>>13428665
You’re gonna make it. Strive onward

>>13428665
Sounds great anon c:

>>13428672
I'd rather just cut my balls of and blow my brains off than entertain the chance of fathering a son who has to deal with the same problems. It's genetic you know. Besides, my dad was a cuck so it's not like I know how to be a man anyways

I have no idea who I am. Nothing is fun to me. I feel like I have no genuine interest in anything. I'm in debt, working a job I don't care about, spending most of my free time alone. I should just kill myself and get it over with. I'm not good at anything. I'm destined for failure.

>>13428697
You don’t have to have a kid, not saying you have to do anything really, just don’t cut your dick off retard

>>13428697
>look super masculine
>be good with your hands
>put nonverbal pressure on people who say dumb things
>be dominant
>read Plato 37 times

>>13428685
I can try, but it's not easy. Doesn't help that I use my computer to look at slides and whatnot
I'm just so weak, I lack self control
Nobody ever taught me discipline, I'm a pleasure worm

>>13428697
Just put your head into meditation and religion. The answers are there

>>13428716
Get an Airbnb w no internet

>>13428527
Listening to top lass do a talk at the ford hall forum with my favorite red wine. Doing immaculately.

>>13428665
Also wish to add that I've realized I've essentially suppressed my true self since highschool, whereby I effected a false personality for the sake of gaining social validation - and I lived with it, even in my private life, unaware of the part I was playing out until recently. It was really quite bad. My anxiety was with me wherever I was, and kept me in such a persona 24/7, unknown even to me. Still happens to this day - the grip is quite strong. Essentially, I've realized that I've been changing myself for others because I felt my true self was not adequate or respectable, and only now have I begun to again connect to said authentic version of me. For example, I'm an extremely quiet person deep down, yet I've spent most of the past many years of my life speaking a great deal - because I thought I "had to", since most others did, and that doing so was the means of attaining the approval of my peers. This wasn't conscious rationale, moreso instinctively reasoned. But as of this latest episode of introspection, I suddenly began to "see myself" in front of me, and realized there was a profound difference between the character in front and the consciousness in the back - and the recognition of this discrepancy was genuinely terrifying to me, and still is. Imagine operating on a script for years, that you didn't even know you were playing out. I look back on my past as if it were a gigantic lie - a series of programmed behaviors born not of a genuine self, but of instinctive drives within my being, like the immense anxiety mentioned earlier. I was a puppet being pulled by it's various strings, and only recently have I understood that I myself am the one who is holding them.

But questions still run through my mind: how do I satisfy my authenticity, without harming others? If my nature is to be quiet, is it then wrong to be so in the midst of company? If I made myself speak, I'd be disrespecting myself, and putting me in an uncomfortable position. Yet to be silent around others may give them the impression of disinterest, which I do not wish to give them. I care deeply about others, and always sought to make them feel as good as I could - this was part of what drove my fake behaviors, namely that I'd always pander to them in whatever way I felt would help them. My needs did not matter. If someone was rambling on and on and on to me about something profoundly uninteresting to me, I'd be smiling the entire time, making eye contact, and continuously asking leading questions to keep the conversation running - never giving a single indication of my disinterest. Making myself the group's clown if I felt my jokes would uplift the rest, even if my reputation suffered for it. Things like that.

So actually trying to honor myself now, and not simply be an entity who exists for others, is very difficult, and I'm still learning how I should approach it.

>>13428727
That's a fun suggestions Anon
I will try and just pull myself together though, I just need to be an adult and not click the little icons on my computer. I can do it
Whining about it to someone helps, thanks for replying

Gonna turn on the air conditioner and get the room real cold, hop under the blankets and spend the night shitposting on /lit/ while reading Iliad

>>13428721
Was raised in a fundamentalist Christian cult. Look I'm not looking for excuses to live, I want to to die and have for almost ten years now,

>>13428527
I fell asleep this morning after reading a few chapters of Gravity's Rainbow, and woke up many hours later with a headache that still hasn't gone away. I came downstairs to find that both my father and my sister were passed out as well. Clearly Thomas Pynchon is some kind of psychic vampire.

I'm learning about proper puppy training even though I won't get one for awhile. My life isn't that bad except for not getting any job call backs yet. I may have to get a shit one to supplement income in the meantime. Keep improving yourselves. Instead of thinking I'm gifted, you should start little by little to get what you want. You may find out that you won't need much to be happy. Good luck

Some motivation.
https://youtu.be/HW5QPjfJ7Vo

Not great but trying to stay positive. My pelvic region is messed up from improper lifting or bad luck or something and it’s really messed up my life.

>>13428555
did you touch your penis again anon?

>>13428667
Not him, but as someone who wanted to learn Muay Thai, do you have any advice for me? The problem is that I abhor violence and am very sensitive to harsh things, yet also want to be able to defend myself should I ever need to. I also don't want to hurt my head and get brain damage, but would have to then sacrifice sparring, the primary method of learning how to truly deal with an opponent. What can I do?

>>13428769
>My life isn't that bad except for not getting any job call backs yet
y-yeah s-same here
h-h-haha...

It's been 10 years.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MixhcWSrrAw

>>13428784
Do whatever you can. I'm not saying that you won't still be far behind but it is better than the shit you are dealing with now.

>>13428760
What translation? Fagles?

Just had an experience. Not able to fully process it yet. Wedding, church, God, many other things. I'll post more aboht it when I'm more sober

>>13428701
I have often felt the same
In my mind what keeps me going is appreciating small things, I watch bats outside sometimes or look at the sunset. There is beauty to be found
Wish you all the best

>>13428577
>worrying about $500

lmao wtf is wrong with you? Just pay the minimum...it's probably not even $10 bucks. If you can pay a little more then do so. Yes you will get dinged with interest, but on $500 its literally nothing. Paying $10 bucks a month to have $500 isn't so bad.

>>13428665
have you been meditating at all?

>>13428704
Whats the point of being a male if you can't have kids? That's pretty much the only upside I can think of

>>13428804
Mhm. The big Penguins Classic version with the thicc pages

Fucking amazing Im falling in love again for the first time in 7 years.

>>13428842
Are you actually enjoying it?
Last time I experienced that all I got out of it was a dream in which the girl asked me if it had been any fun to be in love with her and I got to tell her that no, it fucking sucked

anyone else still love a girl from 8 years ago? I remember the first time I met her. I remember the last time I touched her. I think about her too much. It's one of those antifragile memories that comes more often when I try to forget. I'll never be 21 again.

brehs

>>13428781
Just do it, you'll get to enjoying it and the things that bothered you prior will seem really unimportant later

>>13428864
being 21 was terrible i for one am GLAD that shit is behind me. on to greener pastures

>>13428864
I’ll never forget my first love either
Fuck. I’m so lonely it hurts

>>13428858
To be recognized by another is a great pleasure. Falling in love refers to: the exponentially increasing clarity of the self recognizing what recognizes it. Discovery of an attraction which is shared.

Love (as opposed to falling in love) refers to something else, a thing more painful and joyful at once.

Sex is for married people.

>>13428897
>To be recognized by another is a great pleasure. Falling in love refers to: the exponentially increasing clarity of the self recognizing what recognizes it. Discovery of an attraction which is shared.
that's some bullshit

>>13428527
I'm doing just fine. This room is blazing hot though.

>>13428836
Sounds like you don’t know many actual men.

>>13428657
Shankara's bhasya on the Katha Upanishad is one of my favorite works by him

>>13428527
I will always be a NEET. I can't climb out of this fucking hole.

>>13428697
I’ll pray for you

>>13428665
>I've been performing a lot of introspection lately, thanks in part to my contact with Buddhist philosophy, and their emphasis on the "mind as the forerunner of all things".

cringe

>>13428527
Really tired. I spent the day playing a Minecraft version of Disney World

>>13428922
Where do you find his works?

>>13428527
Not great. Binged on whoppers (the candy) and skittles after baking a nice loaf of sourdough this morning that i used to make ham and swiss sandwich which was OK.

Watched first two episodes of Stranger Things Season 3, and read half of LondonFrog's new epub (which made me want to to go and get the candy I ate), and half of Houllebecq's Whatever (the two go hand in hand i think).

Coming to the end of a 4 day weekend and dreading going back into work on monday. Work has been draining my will to live, because it's just one damned thing after another, and I had no idea my job was going to be so shit when I took it 9 months ago. I don't think I can take another year in it, but I also don't know how to afford the rest of my life (wife, house, etc) without it.

Still coming to grips with the probable suicide of my best friend friend who died 4 weeks ago.

I'm tired anons.

>>13428943
:(

I'm addicted to sleep deprivation
Makes me feel like shit but I love it

>>13428983
Don’t worry anon, keep doing you

>>13428959
They're all free online and hardcovers of them can also be purchased on Amazon, I recommend first reading Guénon's book on Vedanta or an equivalent intro book, otherwise a lot of it will be incomprehensible

https://archive.org/stream/reneguenon/1925%20-%20Man%20and%20His%20Becoming%20according%20to%20the%20Ved%C3%A2nta

>Prasthanatrayi commentaries
https://archive.org/details/EightUpanishadsWithSankarabhashyamSwamiGambhiranandaVol11989
https://archive.org/details/EightUpanishadsWithSankarabhashyamSwamiGambhiranandaVol21966
https://archive.org/details/Shankara.Bhashya-Chandogya.Upanishad-Ganganath.Jha.1942.English
https://archive.org/details/BrahmaSutraSankaraBhashyaEnglishTranslationVasudeoMahadeoApte1960
https://archive.org/details/BrahmaSutraSankaraBhashyaEngVMApte1960
https://archive.org/details/Bhagavad-Gita.with.the.Commentary.of.Sri.Shankaracharya

>non-commentary works
http://estudantedavedanta.net/Sri_Shankaracharya-Upadeshasahasri%20-%20Swami%20Jagadananda%20%281949%29%20[Sanskrit-English].pdf
https://gita-society.com/pdf2011/vivekachudamani.pdf
http://estudantedavedanta.net/Sri_Shankaracharya-AtmaBodha%20%28and%20Other%20Stotras%29%20-%20Swami%20Nikhilananda%20%281947%29%20[Sanskrit-English].pdf
http://estudantedavedanta.net/Aparoksha-Anubhuti-by-Sri-Shankaracharya.pdf
https://www.swamij.com/shankara-vakya-vritti.htm
http://shiningworld.com/site/files/pdfs/publications/books/1_Knowledge_of_Truth_Tattva_Bodh.pdf
http://www.vidyavrikshah.org/SIVANANDALAHARI.pdf
http://www.vidyavrikshah.org/SOUNDARYALAHARI.pdf
http://theheartofthesun.com/Nirvana.pdf
http://jagannathavallabha.com/pdf_engl/prasnottara%20english%20for%20amazon.pdf

>>13429029
>it's ok it lie

>>13429043
damn, I just happened to click on the first links and saw that they have been taken down off archive.org, the same texts can be found as free pdfs here

http://estudantedavedanta.net/Eight-Upanisads-Vol-1.pdf
http://estudantedavedanta.net/Eight-Upanisads-vol2.pdf

>>13429043
Basedted in based dressing

pretty fucking sad again, like usual. its becoming problematic pattern for me. might go for a run later tonight to help clear my head.

Fighting the urge to fap in the vain hope that next time i get a chance to fuck the girl im talking to i wont screw it up like last time. well see how that goes.

Heavily considered buying a hooker today, not even sure how i would start down that road tho

might finish a water color painting i started, might not, well see

>>13428527
Not so good, luckily I’m moving away from this god forsaken place that is my hometown, not to mention I can’t get a gf for the life of me, I’m not particularly ugly or anything I just feel invisible to women

>>13429064
B.E. yourself

I'm pretty certain I'm either autistic or have BPD (or both). Either way, I'm fucked. All I can do is put band-aids on my mental situation. I'll never be normal. I can't enjoy anything. The only thing stopping me from killing myself at this point is what it would do to my dad.

>>13428999
what do you love about it anon? seems like a strange thing to enjoy

>>13428978
jesus im sorry that you lost your friend. What happened?

I don't own this body and I want to leave.

>>13429086
He had been struggling on and off with depression and probably bipolar disorder for a decade or so. Recently was given a prescription for anxiety that conflicted with his other meds, and he took a fatal does of Fentanyl. He had been pushing people away for years though so it wasn't a big surprise, but it was still awful to get the news.

>>13429103
Sure you do
Stretch your hands
That’s you
Make a fist
That’s you

It is the anniversary of her death today. She drowned in a lake five miles from where I am sitting right now. I loved her and she loved me despite how impossible our love should have been. I had no right to be as happy as I was then, but that only makes it harder.
Once my book is finished I plan on ending my life, if I go to hell for this at least I will know there is a heaven and she is in it.

>>13429177
I love you anon.

>>13428999
I'm sorry anon, but that's hilarious. People really can get addicted to anything

>>13429191
Is there a word that describes mourning and joy felt at once?

>>13429177
lol learn2swim

>>13428999
Trips of self-abused
What about sleep deprivation do you enjoy the most. Tell me about your process of forcing yourself to stay awake and about your perceptions of being deprived of sweet sleep.

>>13429222
She could swim like a fish. Her foot got caught under a root and she couldn't get free of it. If she had brought me with her she would be alive.

>>13429222
Is drowning the most /lit/ way of dying?

>>13429220
Passion.

>>13429248
No, I think that's the most /mu/ way of dying.

>>13429263
Yeah, that feels right.

>>13429242
This sounds like some shitty creative writing project.

>>13428559
Ok, now this is based

>>13428657
ill check Thomas Carlyle’s writings on the French Revolution out as it he seems interesting and id like to read more about the french revolution.

>>13429299
If you’re a fan of Goethe, check out his writings on him too. If I could choose one accomplishment in life, it’d be to have a man like Thomas Carlyle sing his praises in writing.

>>13429271
Well i'm not a big fan of it either, if you couldn't tell.

>>13429299
Carlyle is a genius, and I dont use that term lightly, but he has to approached from a perspective of already having knowledge. Much of what he says is extravagant, he was just a forceful personality, and so intelligent that he can argue things that might not be sensible in a way that make them seem so. HIs writing is above all just beautiful so definitely read him, but be a bit wary of his conclusions. I say this as someone who has sympathy for the Reactionary program, but Caryle does have his excesses.

Same as usual

>>13429322
This is well said. Anon is right

>>13428527
Lying on my bed filled with OCD related intrusive thoughts, curled in a ball, upset and lonely. 23 years old and no gf. I want a gf or a friend or something so bad. Wont you be my friend anon?

>>13428527
Not too bad I guess, just tired from wagecucking all day. Picking fights with the Nazis on /pol/, just to watch them rage. It all feels a bit futile.

>>13429340
You sound wound up my anxiety ridden friend. Read the Upanishads.

Not well, but okay. Well I finally found a friend who is willing to include me in things, and treats me well and is just an overall good guy, the problem is that he doesn't like my brother who I live with for the next 5 months. I have been getting shit for the past few weeks from most of my family about him despite them not knowing him at all. It's extremely distressing because I want to keep him as a friend but all this tension is making it difficult. Before this I barely went out I was extremely depressed and overall miserable, but I also want to keep my brother from hating me.

Also, despite the fact that it's not really worth mentioning: they seem to think we're dating, or at least fucking, despite the fact that he is straight, although I will grant that he has feminine features.

>>13429357
>not fucking boipussy
It’s like you didn’t even read Plato.

>>13429368
Not him
plus, I'm a bottom

>>13429369
So it seems they have ample reason to suspect that. Does your family know you’re gay? Is your brother trying to keep you from falling into the deep end? Or in this case, keep others from falling into your deep end?

>>13429372
Yeah they know, and to make matters worse they're all, what I'll call, politically Christians

>>13429372
Oh and I'm bi not gay

>>13429383
I’ve never asked a person why they’re gay. Did girls just never do it for you? Care to share a bit?

>>13429393
I've never asked a person why they're straight. Did boys just never do it for you? Care to share a bit?

>>13429393
I always liked shitting and dicks just sort of fit

>>13429397
>>13429400
my sides have initiated retrograde thrusters
retrieval mission failed
sides have left orbit

>>13429393
For me it's a bit complicated. I was molested as a child and that sent my sexual development into the pit of confusion, and I would be lying if I said that didn't impact who I am sexually. So there's that and then there was an underlying interest in men that I suppressed because of my brother's bullying (the same one, ironically who molested me). So I identify as bi, but I'm really not 100% sure

>>13429397
when did you start liking boys? the first gf i had i was literally 2. I can understand gay stuff a bit, id probably fuck a guy, but it seems a world away from how women are, they are like mystical receptacles of your progeny. Fucking a woman is always either holy or blasphemous, fucking a man seems like masturbation

>>13429404
Eh not that guy but I had a homosexual phase when I was a kid and its not much different than being heterosexual when all is said and done. Most homosexuals are mentally ill though, so the relationship side of things is much worse but the actual attraction itself is more or less identical. Primal physical interest.

Good luck, Anons

>>13429409
>the first gf i had i was literally 2

I feel like killing myself but there's no rational reason behind it. My life isn't horrible and even though I'm a khv I have a full time job and get along okay with my coworkers, and I have a great family even if I only see them twice a year for a couple days at a time.
I just have these episodes where I imagine hanging myself from my doorknob with my belt in graphic detail and it seems weirdly tempting, like if I felt impulsive enough I would just go ahead and do it without thinking. This has been going on and getting worse for about 4 months.
Dunno if it's related but I've noticed a constant pressure inside the right side of my head in the last couple weeks and I've been having memory/speech problems and unusually frequent migraines since the end of February.

>>13429408
Kick his ass m8
Let your demons out and then be done with them

>>13429419
your image means what mate i dont get it. It wasn't a real gf obviously just a girl and me that we got along and were inseparable though i would bite her apparently. My later gfs honestly kind of followed the same pattern, some literal biting, but mostly a metaphorical teethmark.

>>13429458
>metaphorical teethmark

>>13429424
Read Camus my dear friend
Also, get an MRI

>>13429464
as in she was something for me to consume, i feel like an ugly animal that just eats things and shit them out, but on some spriitual level, leaving the souls of people marred in thier body and residing mangled in my excrement. If there is a spirit world where what we have done to consciounesses lingers then im a kind disgusting gyre producing mystical trash. I repulse myself so intensely i have to smash my head into things daily just to get by, but i have an insatiable appetite to consume everthything beautiful that exists, because i feel so ugly and wrong, and just squirm it into shit through some arcane digestion. it amkes me so mad that iam broken and other things are pure that i want their love and holiness to be made rotten like me. I am so angry i can barely arouse my faculties to make sense of it, i just want to hurt and hurt and hurt until it is all like, a broken morass of godly fragments, made into spit spat out by a repulsive sprite. i just hate so much, and i dont understand why, i just want it all to fall into a dark nothing, a godless, homeless, senseless terror, that i feel every day and I dont understand why i have to experience it. If people will be around me and want me then they should have it too, they deserve it, if they want what i have, they are culplable in my torment, and so they should share in my pain. If people reject me away as a monster then ok, i am just a thing on the outskirts, but if they let any of it in then they are just as abd, just as harming, they just dont see thier awful wrongness, and i have to ruin and degrade them, i want to torture them and make them mangled like me, i cant stand that people are allowed to take from me the light i bring to this world through extreme trauma, and have it as their little experience of 'oh some crazy boy but he was fun and intense' and then throw me back into the pit of the hell i live in, no, they have to endure it too, and i want to torture every single last one of them until they feel what i feel and they stop fucking using me, like i am just a food for them, like i am not a human being, i still am even if i am dying, ti is not their right to have me be experience 204 in their stupid fucking lives, they are just as wrong as me and they should suffer my fate with me. it is absolutely fucking intolerable that i should be made to have my okness extraceted from me just as long as it seems lovely to their dumbass minds, and then back to the wretched fuckoff of madness and isolation, because i didnt fulfill their expectations of 'ethics' and functioning. i hate and hate and hate them.

but i also love people because they are pure and true, they just don't know it. They are always pure, i can see it in them, in their narcissism, there is hidden a kind of selfless love, that they have brought wrongly to the forefront o ftheir awareness, but they dont get that theyre doing it. So they deserve universal love, they really do. They are all lost lambs, to be healed.

>>13429516
This is a special form of self-loathing. Be grateful for that. Most people hate themselves, but at least you do it with some creativity.

>>13429516
Are you trying to convince me you are self pitying or yourself?

>>13429516
my worn, out of style, street found couch was full. I was alone but it was all she could take. years of shitposting and injecting fart after fart into her pillowy seat. there was no long any reserve stuffing or cloth or free space under the armrest or her backside. thousands upon thousand of 7-11 induced poisoned ass clouds expelled into her every weave and stitch. all additional farts injected into her would push an ancient and stale fart out her far side. I pushed hard and fired another hot jet of shit gas into the middle cushion. I pushed too hard but with purpose, I shit my pants again. instead of smelling my freshly laid fart and shit oder I could smell the remnants of a the drunken birthday party I threw myself four years ago and the 99 cent store egg nog and hollandaise sauce I binged on

>>13429516
wash you penis

I'm doing alright. I slept in til about 4pm, so I felt like I lost the day. Went and hung out with my grandmother and played board games because she loves that. The rest of the family was doing fine. They seem to be better these days then they did before.

Right now I'm studying for the bar exam, so every day feels the same, and I don't feel like I've learned anything even though I've watched hundreds of hours of lectures and read hundreds of pages of outlines and done hundreds of practice problems. I still feel as if I may fail this 3 day test. I'm scared, but I know that my friends who are also studying for the exam need me to be strong because they are the kind that are quick to be outwardly anxious and cripplingly fearful. I miss them and the way law school was going. I stopped drinking because I started blacking out too much and I feel better. I'm still paranoid about basically the past decade of drinking. I haven't worked out in almost 3 months. I feel weak and small. I feel stupid. My sleep schedule is fucked.

I want to write things, and I've actually started writing. It's been fun. Interesting how the mind will just sneak up on you. Sometimes I have to get my phone out to quickly write an idea or a passage out, but when I sit down to write I struggled to pump anything out. I have so many different types of pens and notebooks it's overwhelming. I've shown my writing to some friends and I've gotten mixed reviews. Some say that I truly have a knack and a style in what I'm making. It seems most people get caught up in editing or critiquing on a narrow scope when reviewing something. I guess I should do a better job of preparing them for what I'd like out of them, or maybe I just need to edit things before I show others. None of them write things themselves. Lawyers and computer nerds don't tend to write fiction.

I'd like to read more, but I've found it difficult to get into a new book, and any time I think I can read I think I should be studying, and so I then end up just refreshing /lit/ because it feels short term, but that ends up going for hours. Ah well.

My SSD is almost full but I don't know whats taking up all the space that cant be moved to the D drive that has plenty of space.

pretty good. just eaten a bowl of sour cream + milk + honey because i didn't have anything else, sipping on coffee now and about to resume reading Confession of a mask

I'm doing ok. I'm matching with all these cuties on Tinder and I have nothing to say to them. I don't want to be vulgar or appear like something I'm not, but then I also have nothing really to say to them, very little to offer.

>>13429639
maybe it's just not what you need. good looks can please your eye, but you'll be left lonely and betrayed upon realising there's no personality behind those cute faces.
i don't think truly interesting girls are on tinder in the first place though.

>>13428527
Didnt read today. Want to kill myself slightly.

>>13428657
>Plato’s Complete Works
>Aristotle’s Conplete Works
if you count both of these as favorites you're an irredeemable pseud

if you only knew how bad things really are

>>13428657
>Goethe’s Complete Works
I'm sure you've read all 140+ volumes m8

>>13429656
>t. Seething tard