/lit/ - Literature

Bump

>>13357622
I can see it being interesting. Prose is pretty good. I like the first paragraph but throwing in the part about her being a shell of her former self seems a little forced in a way, though I can't tell you how. Dialogue is a little awkward - especially the part about the grades.
Take my critique with a grain of salt because I don't know much about objectively good writing.

“ANIME IS NOW REAL!” ejaculated God. And with a thunderous rush of æther-wind that overswept the universe, Anon’s dreams had come true.

“Anime is REAL?” squealed Anon, “N-NANI?”

“YES,” God boomed in answer, the voice of perishing galaxies struggling to sear the words into Anon’s battered cumbrain, “I’m tired of the internet atheists criticizing me. I hope making anime real will shut them up once and for all.”

“But God,” the ever-captious Anon raising a finger, “If anime is real now, how am I still 3D? Hm? How does this room look unchanged?”

God quietened.

“Ha!” Anon giggled cloyingly, “Just as I thought! You can’t make anime real, God, just like you can’t make a woman who isn’t a traitorous coal-burning whore, or tattooed bull dyke!”

Soft knocking at Anon’s bedroom door.

Swivelling from the ironically-hung Shrek 2 poster through which God had spoken, Anon glared in sweaty prudence at the door.

“Anon-kun!” opening the door with a blushing smile, Anon’s Mom, as Anon’s dropping jaw attested, had become fully-2D, hand-drawn, and pant-leakingly gorgeous. “I’m back from Costco with your pepperoni Hot pockets! :D”

“N-N-NANI!?” Anon exclaimed, confusion and arousal marks clashing above his head.

Two hours earlier, Anon’s Mom had appeared an average suburban Mom, with baggy skin, slight paunch, regrettable posture. But now that she was an anime character all those flaws had vanished.

“Also, Anon-kun,” Mom with a suggestive tone, “I struck up a conversation with the register girl at Costco.… She’s very cute, and just out of a relationship and, well, long story short, I gave her your number! ;D”

Anon’s vision-tunnel darted toward his smartphone, which displayed a single notification.

The next afternoon, at 23-going-on-24, Anon shaved in preparation for his first-ever date. He had never felt such motivation in his life. Never had the prospect of dating or fucking a 2D-girl enticed him. He basically never left his room, as would most other males around the time of their sexual awakening, and so now that anime was finally real, Anon mused, perhaps the tables had turned.

He would meet the Costco girl, whose name purportedly was Emma, at an Applebee’s approximately fifteen minutes by car from Mom’s house. He hated Applebee’s, though. Really, really despised the place. But for once in his life he was able to swallow his persnickety revulsion and put on a smile instead. It was for anime titties, after all.…

Mom dropped Anon off at 6:50 P.M., around ten minutes before Sidney had said she’d arrive.

“I’m LITERALLY SHAKING,” Anon half-ironically posted from his smartphone using Applebee’s WiFi, updating his favorite Inuit throat singing forum, his only friends.

“Nobody cares about your first date, you faggot phone posting virgin. Kill yourself.”

The nasty replies raised Anon’s already stratospheric heart rate, he was a wreck and he knew it.

>>13357706
Nano the fuck?!

“ANIME IS NOW REAL!” ejaculated God. And with a thunderous rush of æther-wind that overswept the universe, Anon’s dreams had come true.

“Anime is REAL?” squealed Anon, “N-NANI?”

“YES,” God boomed in answer, the voice of perishing galaxies struggling to sear the words into Anon’s battered cumbrain, “I’m tired of the internet atheists criticizing me. I hope making anime real will shut them up once and for all.”

“But God,” the ever-captious Anon raising a finger, “If anime is real now, how am I still 3D? Hm? How does this room look unchanged?”

God quietened.

“Ha!” Anon giggled cloyingly, “Just as I thought! You can’t make anime real, God, just like you can’t make a woman who isn’t a traitorous coal-burning whore, or tattooed bull dyke!”

Soft knocking at Anon’s bedroom door.

Swivelling from the ironically-hung Shrek 2 poster through which God had spoken, Anon glared in sweaty prudence at the door.

“Anon-kun!” opening the door with a blushing smile, Anon’s Mom, as Anon’s dropping jaw attested, had become fully-2D, hand-drawn, and pant-leakingly gorgeous. “I’m back from Costco with your pepperoni Hot pockets! :D”

“N-N-NANI!?” Anon exclaimed, confusion and arousal marks clashing above his head.

Two hours earlier, Anon’s Mom had appeared an average suburban Mom, with baggy skin, slight paunch, regrettable posture. But now that she was an anime character all those flaws had vanished.

“Also, Anon-kun,” Mom with a suggestive tone, “I struck up a conversation with the register girl at Costco.… She’s very cute, and just out of a relationship and, well, long story short, I gave her your number! ;D”

Anon’s vision-tunnel darted toward his smartphone, which displayed a single notification.

The next afternoon, at 23-going-on-24, Anon shaved in preparation for his first-ever date. He had never felt such motivation in his life. Never had the prospect of dating or fucking a 2D-girl enticed him. He basically never left his room, as would most other males around the time of their sexual awakening, and so now that anime was finally real, Anon mused, perhaps the tables had turned.

He would meet the Costco girl, whose name purportedly was Emma, at an Applebee’s approximately fifteen minutes by car from Mom’s house. He hated Applebee’s, though. Really, really despised the place. But for once in his life he was able to swallow his persnickety revulsion and put on a smile instead. It was for anime titties, after all.…

Mom dropped Anon off at 6:50 P.M., around ten minutes before Emma had said she’d arrive.

“I’m LITERALLY SHAKING,” Anon half-ironically posted from his smartphone using Applebee’s WiFi, updating his favorite Inuit throat singing forum, his only friends.

“Nobody cares about your first date, you faggot phone posting virgin. Kill yourself.”

The nasty replies raised Anon’s already stratospheric heart rate, he was a wreck and he knew it.

>>13357713
Sweat all over, sweaty palms, underarms. “Sweating is one thing,” Anon mumbled as he stood waiting outside, “But knowing you’re sweating is totally another.”

Emma arrived in her Costco-employee-tier vehicle and stepped out onto the parking lot.

Anon could hardly believe his eyes. She was beautiful, redheaded just like Asuka Langley Soryu, from Neon Genesis Evangelion, but with an unassuming demeanor just like Lain from Serial Experiments Lain. Anime eyes, light caucasian skin, barely a nose.

“God,” Anon began praying, “Let her be a gamer.”

It was 7:05 P.M. when Anon and Emma sat at their Applebee’s booth.

“So,” the shakiest-ever Anon jettisoned spit at each syllable, “Do you like playing video games?”

Just then God interrupted, freezing time everywhere in the universe outside Anon’s mind. “I made anime real for you losers, and that wasn’t enough? They also have to be gamer girls too, huh? Well, forget it. Forget I even tried, because as soon as I make them gamer girls then next they’ll have to be hypoallergenic, or hairless, or trannies.”

And God quietened again.

For the first time since he’d left Mom’s house, Anon looked around. He saw that the Applebee’s was completely filled with dissatisfied-looking or otherwise bored-looking internet virgins and atheist neckbeards, across from their flawless and sparkling anime dates.

Just then, a second æther-wind overswept the universe, and the internet atheists’ dates, along with Emma, reverted to single-mothers with niglets hanging off them and tattooed, thousand-cock stare-havers, and all the internet atheists projectile vomited at once, as punishment from the God of the Oriental and of Anime, and also from the one true Christian God, fuck kikes and fuck mudslimes forever and ever, Amen.

these crit threads seem to not last very long anymore.

From a short story about a destitute postgrad living with his landlord/childhood friend/occasional drug dealer


Satan be thine muse.

“Huh?” “You’ll need all the help you can get. Find yourself at a crossroads at night. That sort of thing. You need to be remembered without doing anything at all. That requires a special sort of help.” Beneath the blanket’s shapeless mass Byron stirred, “Huh? Huh?” “Wake up, you good-fer-nothin’” said Slouch, grabbing the far corner of the blanket and giving it a brisk yank. “Alone, -- alone. Leave me alone. I’m not feeling well enough for this.” “Or for anything, ingrate. It’s 11 in the morning and a Tuesday at that. You have mouths to feed.” “Yea, yours.” “Nay, that’d be a pocket you need to fill” said Slouch, yanking on the blanket again: “Are you fucking dressed?” – Byron’s exposed leg revealing jeans and a socked-foot. “Worried about sleepwalking?” Slouch finished. “Fuck you – off” Byron said, making a move to brush away Slouch’s intruding hand.

Irritably, Slouch mounted the foot of Byron’s bed, sustaining himself aloft arms spread eagle, pantomiming a dramatic balancing act dancing between Byron’s combative blanketed feet. “You” – pause between hops – “owe” – “me” - “money” – “Stop.” Byron then and now, “Slouch, fuck.” Feeling the familiar stirring of acquiescence, Byron cast aside the blanket: apathetically he regarded Slouch, as if his feelings on the matter were still undecided, or at least confused: “Okay, I’m up” peering left – towards the window – and right – towards the clock – “The sun and clock’ll tell you the same thing” said Slouch. “Was never a boy scout” (he had decided upon irritability), gazing with antipathy at Slouch, and then past him, at his mantle of athletics trophies won when he was younger. Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair! “I’m up” Byron growled, “I’m up” to which Slouch answered with a shrill, skeptical whistle, dismounting with gusto and departing.

Byron pulled the blanket back over his head. His right foot was colder than his left.

>>13357622
Way too much fucking exposition. The dialogue is stiff. I’m sorry to inform you that it’s dreadfully mediocre.

>>13357713
>>13357736
Phenomenal

>>13357622
Show that scene. Find a way to show it. Anon is right re exposition. Use your readers imagination, it is your most powerful tool.

>>13357757
Start with Everyone else is asleep.... rewrite the first bit if you want to include it. The rest isn't bad. There is some character conflict though, perhaps do not thank Dr. Wright, merely grunt some affection or a nod.

When he expects you to say something, and you don't, you are beginning to build tension re the use of your voice. Do not waste it on "I thanked him..." Just my opinion.

>>13357738
well, no serious writer is going to post anything in an open forum.

Cormac might, just because he knows his shit is inimitable.

Tried improving it.

>>13357746
new line for dialogue

>>13358776
cahnge as its called to as it was called

>Golden blue eyes met my gaze in the mirror as I brushed the stained ivory along my jaws. The taste of iron steadily grew as hundreds of tiny hairs wore their way through sensitive gums. Bloody discharge from the abrasive wounds coated off-white teeth in crimson rivers. A perfect match for the veiny fissures along the whites of my eyes.

Is 'bursh the stained ivory along my jaws' too pretentious a way to describe brushing your teeth?

>>13360470
yes, human teeth aren't even made of ivory

>>13360470
Overwrought. Have confidence in your images. Imo,
>Eyes met me in the mirror
is more interesting than your first line, for example. And the horrible "bloody discharge" is lost in the remaining floweryness.

>>13360470
trying too hard, serious, just write and don't write to impress an imaginary psued, you clearly have talent, stuff like veiny fissures is a great metaphor

Well, I'm a first time writer, and my work is probably really bad and way too overstuffed with dialogue, but I wrote the first 10 chapters of a romance novel. About a cute slime girl.

Please be gentle /lit/, I've never written anything before.

https://www.wattpad.com/story/191417552-how-i-got-a-slime-girlfriend

>>13360608
>i heave an exaspera...

clumsy

also the first paragraph is just exposition and first person is bad. Typical bad writer problem of saying too much be more concise, you can cut everything after "I know his order"

>I don't know how he can keep eating the same meal literally every day

dont use literally

It's not literary but you probably aren't going for that, keep working

ALSO USE DIALOGUE TAGS

>>13360633

I don't think everything needs a dialogue tag though, it feels like simply padding the word count or adding way too much un-needed extra details.

For example, in the line:
"$6.53, first window", I COULD, theoretically, add something like, "I say, even though I already know he knows his total by heart.", but, that feels obnoxious and un-needed to me.

>>13360541
>>13360579
>>13360592
Should I just change it back to what it was before I started messing with it?

>Golden blue eyes met my gaze in the mirror as I brushed my teeth. Hundreds of tiny hairs wore their way through sensitive gums, coating off-white teeth in crimson rivers. A perfect match for the veiny fissures along the whites of my eyes.

>>13360650
That's not what a dialogue tag is, USE THEM

>>13360708
One metaphor is good, 5 in a row is garbage, choose and use one

>>13359606
Sorry?

“Huh?” “You’ll need all the help you can get. Find yourself at a crossroads at night. That sort of thing. You need to be remembered without doing anything at all. That requires a special sort of help.”
Beneath the blanket’s shapeless mass Byron stirred, “Huh? Huh?” “Wake up, you good-fer-nothin’” said Slouch, grabbing the far corner of the blanket and giving it a brisk yank.
“Alone, -- alone. Leave me alone. I’m not feeling well enough for this.” “Or for anything, ingrate. It’s 11 in the morning and a Tuesday at that. You have mouths to feed.” “Yea, yours.” “Nay, that’d be a pocket you need to fill” said Slouch, yanking on the blanket again: “Are you fucking dressed?” – Byron’s exposed leg revealing jeans and a socked-foot. “Worried about sleepwalking?” Slouch finished.
“Fuck you – off” Byron said, making a move to brush away Slouch’s intruding hand.
Irritably, Slouch mounted the foot of Byron’s bed, sustaining himself aloft arms spread eagle, pantomiming a dramatic balancing act dancing between Byron’s combative blanketed feet. “You” – pause between hops – “owe” – “me” - “money” – “Stop.”
Byron then and now, “Slouch, fuck.” Feeling the familiar stirring of acquiescence, Byron cast aside the blanket: apathetically he regarded Slouch, as if his feelings on the matter were still undecided, or at least confused: “Okay, I’m up” peering left – towards the window – and right – towards the clock – “The sun and clock’ll tell you the same thing” said Slouch.
“Was never a boy scout” (he had decided upon irritability), gazing with antipathy at Slouch, and then past him, at his mantle of athletics trophies won when he was younger. Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!
“I’m up” Byron growled, “I’m up” to which Slouch answered with a shrill, skeptical whistle, dismounting with gusto and departing.
Byron pulled the blanket back over his head. His right foot was colder than his left.

>>13360946
change the bit where it says "as its called" to "as it was called"

>--

fuck off with these

DIALOGUE TAGS

>>13361189
>slouch finished

yikes, replace it with said

>>13357622
Too exposition heavy and the dialogue is a bit clunky. I can see it being good though, just needs tightened up. Don't write dialogue in paragraphs either, it makes it hard to read, just have an exchange down the page. Generally dialogue should be a back and forth, try not to have people speak in long paragraphs or info dump.

>>13361207
What’s wrong with dialogue tags?

>>13362204
Also why change it from a present tense to a past tense? Isn’t it fine as it is?

>>13357757
keep it up. the topic and theme are uninspired but the writing is good. the message you want to say should come when you're a little older.

>>13357757
don't start with the first part if this is a story, in a story things happen, if nothing's happening noone will read it. ofc ik you may have shown a middle piece, in which case its fine. the prose isn't bad tho, and while cliched the characters could work with the right plot.

>tfw post here and story becomes unusable by association
>tfw post anywhere else and not anonymous and don't just the critics to be honest
>tfw none of my friends read enough where I trust they're opinion a ton and the one or two that too would probably just wonder if I'm ok

>>13363298
Just post the prologue of your story and keep it at that. That way if someone steals, you still have the main meat of your story to go off from.
Hopefully.

>>13363360
it's pretty short and there's really no prologue :(. i need everything i have even if parts need to be rewritten

>>13363373
Then perhaps post a bit where the plot doesn't really matter. That way no one can steal any of your ideas.

>>13363373
Whoops sorry, just re-read your post there "I need everything I have"
Disregard what I just said if you want.

Just thought about The Hobbit's first chapter. Got inspired. Wrote this.
What do you think?

>>13363598
Another page, just cause...

>>13362204
you need to use said more

>>13363598
>le subverts expectations
>le first two pages is le narrator telling us what is going to happen, infodump
>narrator has a personality

lazy storytelling

>>our hero
cringe reddit and dishonest.

the prose is pretty good though

>>13363936
I was just going off Tolkien’s style from the Hobbit. The narrator had a personality there, too, as well as telling us what would happen ahead of time.
But if it sounds reddit, so be it — I just thought kids might like it.

>good prose
I didn’t think it was that good, but thanks, anyway, anon.

>>13363929
I’ll see what I can do.

Writing a short story, this is the beginning.

>>13363929
ignore this, absolute pseud advice. if you need descriptors beyond "dyrly spat" your dialogue is trash

>>13364042
Can you look at my dialogue please?

>>13363983
Just very pretentious, Jesus anon. Stop trying to be Nabokov or Contad.

>>13357622
>"a jewish grin".
lmao, what did you mean by this?

>>13364069
Who are those? How can I make my style less pretentious?

>>13364060
i don't like fantasy, that was cliche, and the dialogue was as boring as the rest. it's like polishing a piece of concrete. you need something beautiful to polish from the start

im sure it's in you, but you'll have to dig harder. also i really don't like fantasy so i probably wasn't the right person to ask.

>>13363983
poster child for show dont tell holy fuck

>>13364075
It's a series of short stories and a lot of the characters are anti-semitic, so I thought I'd throw that in. Plus him rambling on when nobody gives a fuck about his class was a Jewish characteristic from my experience. Completely devoid of wit, intelligence, and charm, but still gloating about his money.

>>13364089
I see what you mean, the beginning passage is very descriptive, maybe overly so. How could I describe the scenery by 'showing' instead of 'telling'?

>>13364084
You don't know who Vladimir Nabokov or Joseph Conrad are? Just read more and you'll feel less inclined to prove your intelligence because obscure language usually makes bad writing. Of course there are exceptions, but most people who have pulled it off have been in their 40s and have studied language and poetry for many years.

>>13363983
>a barrier between the grainy lava
anon, stop trying to make us feel more through exaggerating and hyperboling stuff
Otherwise, pretty great, if you shared the whole thing, I'd read it.

>>13364084
>doesn't know who Nabokov was
Holy shit, anon, do read some more.

>>13364108
But I'm not really using any obscure language, at least in my opinion. It's true, I have a lot of reading to do but I'm just starting out so bear with me. Any words in particular you found too pretentious?

>>13357622
Direct speech takes different lines of they are right next to each other, so your last but of conversing should have each set of speech marks on a new line.

>>13364086
Well thanks for doing it anyway, anon. I’ll take your advice but I’ll do it with caution.

>>13364107
don't, it doesn't warrant that much explanation. don't bore us, get to the chorus. maybe read as i lay dying if you havent. the book immediately sets itself in motion and never really slows down, letting the reader piece together what is going on without being hit over the head with it

>>13364114
Thank you, I'll replace those lines. Are there any other instances of abusing hyperboles that you can think of?
This is all I've written up until now but thank you for the critique.

>>13364129
Alright, thank you Anon.

>>13364139
Please, post more, anon. I wanna read your writing desu.

>>13364176
That's all I've got for that story but here's something else I've written recently if you're interested.

>>13364194
Give me whatever you have, bro.

>>13364197
Part 2

>>13364205
Part 3

>>13364194
>starting with a title
yikes

>>13364208
Part 4

>>13364210
Never knew titles were such a taboo

>>13364218
starting with one is a pretty clear sign you're writing for the wrong reason. you want to have written something for the sake of having written it. it's also not organic

>>13364226
I don't really know what the 'reasons' would be for writing but usually (in my case) I get the idea of a key scene / idea and then build the story around that. The title just represents said key idea. Why else would you have a title? I'm so confused.

>>13364237
godtier b8, proud of u

>>13364240
yes, yes, bait. That is what this is. Totally 100% bait.

>>13357622
Boring victimhood trash. You probably meant vacuously not vapidly.

>>13357622
>>13364194
>>13364210
>>13364218
Please read some desu!!!!

>>13364194
>>13364210
>>13364218
>>13364226
Please read it desu!!!!

>>13364364
Incomprehensible, maybe ask a male friend for advice on writing a male character too because you come across as effeminate.

>>13364379
I think it's too meta for you guys.

>>13364379
>>13364287
>>13364246
>>13364240
>>13364237
>>13364226
>>13364218
>>13364194
What about this?

>>13364505
Second part desu.

>>13364208
>>13364213
It's good desu.

>>13357622
you shouldn't say "she was not a shell of her former self" you might instead want to actually show that she was in your writing. Also it's too wordy, you shouldnt say that her most distinguising feature is her hair then go on about everyythign else

>tfw posted this yesterday and nobody replied bros. Sad time.

They told us we’d fall in love.
That one day, without warning, we’d trip.
But no matter the promises painted
On the drumbeat humming from below the well.
I never tripped.
We never fell.

So then was it a lie?
Well, sows don’t fly.
And nuns don’t cry.
And potatoes’ eyes?
Lies. The truth is this.

Potatoes sit silent, sulking and snug.
Under level, they revel with earthworm and slug.
No eyes, no light, no subtle clue
Can ever dare remind them.
That all their dank, their dirt and filth
Will never stay behind them.
But a softer hand, with hope of its own.
Can pull the soiled gem high.
Bathed under garden tap, then golden in day.
Rising from dirt, to air, to kitchen stove.
No. People never fall in love.

>>13357622
Boring, clunky, poorly punctuated, large parts neither clear nor coherent.
You also managed to spell "per se" wrong and indent your dialogue completely incorrectly.
>>13357713
>>13357736
Very good, especially if original.
>>13357746
If you want to use thy/thine, you should use them correctly... Thine is to thy as mine is to my. "Satan be yours muse" doesn't sound so pretentious now, does it?
Dialogue here also, as said, done incorrectly.
Above all, it's not very interesting.
>>13357757
Readable. As others have said, uninspired.
>>13363983
Not that bad. Divine spelled incorrectly. As others have pointed out, needs a little refining.
>>13364194
>>13364205
>>13364208
>>13364213
I actually quite like this. It is, however, written once again clearly without having consulted a style guide, or even having been proofread, but reads like it was written by someone whom you couldn't reasonably expect to format their work properly.
>>13364505
>>13364509
Amusing self-awareness.

You are a cobweb in my brain
that I have decided to clear out
We are all a thousand people in a day
But you were always the same
Too good for me to handle
But bad enough for me to reject
The energy I had for you in my mind
Was tight as a coil, it has been replaced
By a serene tree branch that says
Nothing

>>13364700
I really like this. Personally, I'd like to see more lyricism. Play with the words just little but more. As it is, you could have just written this as dialogue and then hit the enter key over and over

Take a bump.
It's from a random chapter in a book I'm writing.

>>13364612
do you have ADHD by any chance anon??

>>13357622
Simple prose but conveys the information required nicely. Some of the grammar seems stilted but I'm UK so maybe it's an American English thing.

>>13357713
Aside from overuse of adjectives, legitimately well-written, ignoring the subject matter.

>>13357746
Format your goddamn dialogue correctly. Prose is decent, but if you're writing in a conversational tone I reckon more paragraph breaks would be needed to break up the clusters of action and dialogue in a way that parses better. Don't agree with the way you've used hyphens.

>>13357757
Best prose in the thread. Tone feels natural to the character.

>>13358776
That formatting is abominably distracting.

>>13363298
Understand copyright law and care less if somebody copies your idea, honestly unless they do a worse job of it than me I wouldn't care all that much, and I always post a sealed copy of anything I write to a friend or a relative first before talking about it widely in the unlikely case I want to take something to court one day. I don't think postmarks carry the legal weight in copyright cases they do (or used to?) in the USA but it's better than nothing.

>>13363983
Decently written prose, but starting with the describing the senses meme before introducing your setting/character/an action is not as good of a move as 101 Tips For Young Writers makes it out to be.

>>13364194
This is the inverse of some of the examples in this thread. Some simple subject matter rendered in an interesting way, but the formatting and sentence structuring feels off in places. Nicely done.

>>13365325
As for myself... I'm one of those people who always has a dozen half-finished projects that never get completed. Recently I've been trying to focus on short stories and not put too much effort into poring over every single word such that I end up endlessly revising each sentence.

Here's something I wrote recently as an exercise, I have an idea for a longer story which this can function within as a chapter, or as a stand-alone short story. Wrote it in one go at 3 AM one night and tried to touch it up as little as possible.

>>13365409
Secondly: As you can probably see in that story, I get a lot of my inspiration from my dreams. Attached is a synopsis I wrote up just this morning from trying to write down a dream I had as I woke up, trying to remember as much of it in order as possible, and then only tweaking/adding as little as possible for it to have consistent internal logic.

Just an experiment- and a synopsis, not prose. What do you make of it as an idea, as a narrative?

>>13363235
>>13363293
>>13364613
>>13365325
Thanks guys. This is around page 25 in my book which is about 16,000 words in right now. I know it's uninspired and cliched but I'm coming off a 3 year panic disorder ordeal so I'm writing it partially for myself and partially for the hope of getting it published. I do worry though that maybe no one will care about my personal problems. The MC is essentially a self-insert.

Another problem is that everything I've written are essentially just the MC dealing with his disability and now I don't know where to take the novel since I've extracted pretty much everything I can from my experience.

Here's the paste bin link.
https://pastebin.com/index.php?e=2

A 1k word sci-fi story I did a couple years ago

https://pastebin.com/St0gZFm3

> Ironically, perhaps, the problem with presenting a believable world of cyborgs and clones is that it is difficult to relate to the characters, including the main character, who seems driven by a robotic sense of mission overriding potential human fears and vulnerabilities. In short, without some kind of inner conflict, I found it difficult to relate to her on a feeling level, and as a consequence was left unmoved by her demise. I am also not convinced she undergoes any fundamental change by the end of the story.

without any context, is this reasonable criticism?

I want to start writing. How do you guys make a nice story? Give your thoughts and just write a nice story around it in accordance to what would fit? Any advice? Never written before.

>>13366483
have you really never written before?

I suggest you work within constraints, for example a maximum of 1000 words. Start with a prompt such as, write a story/poem which features claustrophobia. Write what you know about and care about, don't try to make it too arty because it will be dishonest

Don't write in 1st person

>>13366483
Personally I've found that there's literally no simple way to do it, and really no tutorial that will simplify the creative process. Just kind of get an idea then roll with it - adding new ideas onto the original as you go along. I'm 20,000 words into a book that started as a single 500 word scene then added a plot that led up to that point and plot that follows it.
I'm just an amateur on the internet though, so what do I know.

>>13366517
I can almost guarentee that you could and probably should easily cut that down to say, 15k words

>>13366483
oh also I forgot but be concise. Nobody should be proud of unedited word vomit, every word should be important

>>13357622

Im not very good at writing poetry, and its not finished, so please give me some critique so i can change it for the better, really would like to improve

On the balcony, in my elevated state
I see you all.
misfits, beggars and long tailed rodent;
My sisters and brothers.

Cry, cry to the roof of the world,
Gently patting your head;
(Like a loving mother)
With its flowing torrents of rain.

Pitter patter.
Pitter patter.
Mother, twirls your locks;
Between her fingers of drops.

The lady, with the yellow umbrella,
Her raincoat, is also yellow.
In the big sea, sea of concrete
Yellow looks good on you.

A shell filled with booze,
sleeps the day away,
in the rain.

Softly being lulled to slumber.
To the sound of rain,
To the scent of wet grass,
To the hard wet concrete.

Softly being lulled into slumber
By the young ones,
Beating his head;
With their sporting goods.

There are things abound
Things of hate!
Mother brings the funeral gown!
another man;
A man to hate!

Three steps from hate;
Three tips to fall,
Tip over toes,
The tippie toes,
Toes which goes,
Three steps to know,
The one who knows.
takes one to know one.

I tell you, i tell.
I tripped on my toes.
a shrieking yell.
Off of my balcony.
And straight to hell.

>>13366483

just start or shut the fuck up. I don't know why so many people think crit threads double "please motivate me" threads

>>13357622
How does one share his work so that others can critique? I really don't want to take screen shots of what I've written. That just seems fucking stupid

>>13366569
what's the form

>>13366653
link to pastebin or something

>>13366510
I wrote essays back in highschool, but beyond that never or fun. I always wanted to, just never really had the confidence in myself before now. I'll try the claustrophobia prompt that's pretty neat. And I would never write in first person
>>13366620
You are authors, and I had questions for authors. I got satisfactory answers to my questions. It seems I've chosen the correct place.

https://pastebin.com/xARXJN8h
Here is a snippet of what I have been working on. Love some feed back or something.

>>13366483
>any advice?
Write a quick profile of your main character, get them in your head. Think up a conflict/what you want to have happen. Then write an outline of what you want to happen chapter by chapter.

Once you have that, start actually writing. Youll hit blocks that you have to power through and it can drain your motivation, but just push through and youll get to something you want to write.

>>13366677
Prose.

>>13366860
Its a lot of telling and not showing.

I always write with pen and paper first and then polish my writing before typing it out in a text file. I just cant come up with anything good if I have a keyboard in front of me and I just end up checking the word count over and over again. Am I retarded?

>>13367211
Eh, I cant write if theres much noise at all. Cant even listen to music, lyrics or no.

We all have our quirks.

>>13367185
True. The snippet is from my prologue where I give exposition about the world and the country where the plot is going to take place. I wanted to get that out of the way before focusing on the action, dialogue, and character building in the chapters. I had a friend read over it and she said that I should intersperse the world building throughout the chapters rather than putting a giant chunk of it in the prologue cause it just seems like a lot of gore all in one spot. I've written like 13 pages of the prologue and the snippet is like 8 pages of it. Doesn't help that this baby's first.
>>13367211
This >>13367228

>>13365325
What formatting? You mean First Line indenting? If so isn’t that what novels look like?

>>13367291
Referring to this >>13358776 sorry.

What do you think of my picture

>>13367291
pic related is what first-line indenting to denote a paragraph should look like. Line spacing between paragraphs is a matter of personal taste, sure, but your paragraphs are too short and your indentations way too big for someone to comfortably scan from line to line.

>>13367546
Thanks for the info, anon. Will keep in mind in the future.

>>13367748
Nice detail, oddly worded in some places. You could start the first paragraph at "It was one of those hot nights" and delete everything before that and nothing of value would be lost, start with the action, not the premise.

>>13366860
The first two paragraphs feels like reading what a brochure to an exotic New Zealand holiday spot feels like — a lot of lore, background, and mythology.
If you’re just writing lore, it’s okay (depending, possibly, on your taste in fantasy and vampires,) but if you were writing for a story — the setup might have taken too long, or at least not interesting enough (at least to me as I found some fantasy cliches in it rather obnoxious such as the elves and vampires.)

>>13367802
I should have reworded “obnoxious” with “cliche,” sorry. Obnoxious is too vague a criticism.

>>13365409
>>13365482
Anyone?

I just can't write. I've tried writing stories for the past 5 years on and off with a dream of becoming a great novelist. I spend hours trying to come up with something profound in some half-drunken state of sleep deprivation, only to wake up the next morning and reread it to be shockingly mediocre, even if it has hope at times.

What do I do? Do I just give up writing?

>>13368073
To be a good writer you need to read a lot and you need to read a lot. Try to write a short story or some poetry every day. It's also good to accumulate life experiences and get inspired

>>13368086
I do read a fair bit of all genres, including books on authoring like EM Forster's circlejerked stuff. It just feels like I've practiced and studied for so long for nothing and, well, I feel defeated. I've got programming as my main focus in life - getting a piss easy masters right now and contributing to open source projects - and it just feels so much more substantial. I can put in a weeks worth of labor and be rewarded with a nice pull request that everyone is happy to have. Writing feels the opposite. I spend all these evenings on my couch, staring at that dead-white screen. There's a churning in my stomach, and it just makes me want to stash my laptop and focus on something that will earn me money. It makes me want to focus on something I'm talented in instead of wasting my time on a long dead dream.

I dunno. Thanks for replying, though. Just wanted to get that out.

>>13367802
>>13367843
Yeah it's part of my prologue and that was like 8 pages of 13. I was trying to cram all of the relevant backstory into it, but I come to realize that it isn't that great of an idea.

>>13368485
Eh, I wouldn't be that discouraged. Tolkein did something similar. He crammed a lot of lore BEFORE starting Lord of the Rings. Pages and pages of it.

>>13368512
Yeah true. It’s just like where else would I put this if not here? Though I think I was just kinda just writing whatever I can so I can get it on paper. Thinking of rewriting all of it after making a proper outline

>>13368371
I don't really write stories, but when I write poetry I take a small composition book, a pen, and stay outside. You don't need to go on a walk, you can just mill about your front and back yard. Compose your writing that way by writing the plot (for a larger writing, you may need a larger notebook). And yes, it is possible to write in a notebook standing up. Perhaps seeing a little nature and getting a little circulation/fresh air will help you. If not, try alcohol or drugs (not recommended).

Posted this on /int/ earlier:
Walrus parade
How I love the walrus parade
When they roll down the streets in a big line
Playing their dopey wee-wao um-puh-puh wee-wao walrus tunes
A line of brown balls
Ivory tusks shining in the cool January air
I laugh and pick at my cotton candy
And aim my rifle

>>13367748
reads like something in an elementary school textbook

>we're all pieces.... to be moved and decided at god's behest.... oh god... im laughing like a madman... reading infinite jest

>>13367428
Not super keen on it to be quite honest.

>>13369460
I like this, except for the last line, which just provides an unnecessarily edgy punchline to an otherwise well-written piece.

I see this quite often, mostly in short stories: the "twist" at the end that doesn't really bring anything to the table, just serves as a "gotcha! you thought it was like that, but actually it's like this" moment.

>>13357622
I'm gonna get fucked... English isn't my first language tho, I'm just practicing it (as well as my poor writing skills)

>>13370203
I assumed it was some kind of air gun or toy gun, those are fairly common at festivals and similar gatherings. I kind of like the ambiguity, though it could have been a little more subtle. Dont know what the writer intended.

Porter: 'Tis gay!

Banquo: 'Tis faggotry!

Hamlet: 'Tis cuckoldry.... To cuck, or not to cuck, that is the question... whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the cumshots and bukkakes of BBC....

It's a section from my fantasy epic. I think i'll try to make it 600-700 pages long, but who knows.

Currently working on the third page of my short story which contains no character names, no dialogue and no real plot. The story deals with detachment and indifference. Originally I wanted to avoid pronouns altogether, but that became pretty much impossible as im writing in third person. I might change it later though.
What do you think of my idea?

>>13365709

anyone wanna crit this?

>>13371037

In theory it sounds good but it would rely on your prose being polished enough to carry the entire weight of the story.

>>13366427

I'd say yes, character development drives short stories more than plot does.

>>13357622
Say something about this I wrote, please. It's just one page.

>>13371032
You have to put the "its" instead of "it's".

It's ok, I guess. I wouldn't read 600 pages of this.

>>13371237
Thanks, i know it's a bit of a slog since it's still the first chapter, but i'm constantly revising it.

>>13371231
If this is unironic you need a lot of help. Is English your first language?

>>13371231
Overbearing. You use "higher grade" words but they do not benefit anything. Instead of elevating your perspective they bog it down. Also there are a myriad of grammatical mistakes. I would suggest working with simpler words and focusing on the structure of your sentences. Most of what you wrote could be simplified quite easily and would probably allow you to see the structural errors you made.
On top of this I would suggest reading what you write out loud. Its the best way to find errors you would otherwise miss.

>>13370856
Intention was real gun. But your way of reading it was neat.
>>13370203
Thanks for the feedback btw.

A rustling from the wall's other face
A transmission from the world beyond my own
Though, as I neared sleep, I was not attuned
To its frequency

Two nights from then, I heard it again
This time, more like a hoarse whisper
Quivering on perception's periphery
Bb... Drr... Oo...

Even when nightly clouds weep and pour
I hear it once more
Seeping in from beneath my door
Bbe... Drri... Ovv...

When I awaken in night's blackest hour
From a thunderbolt's crashing tumult
Pawing my lamp only to find it without power
I pause, hearing it anew
Be... Sure... Ovv...

When I pace down my hall
Towards my toilet for a little midnight relief
And marry my buttocks to porcelain
I hear it, for once, clearly
Be sure to drink your Ovaltine...

>>13370701
anyone? first time asking for feedback (and first time trying to write something)