/lit/ - Literature

>>13118275
Before i'm done with a book I gain interest in another one, and this only happens with philosophy. Also, I read one philosophy book every two weeks and I'm not sure if its my lack of time because its the end of the semester,procrastination or im just a brainlet

I can read fiction wayy faster like 200-300 page book in less than a week

We're all going to make it.

>>13118275
I had a threesome recently with my gf and her female friend. I'm pretty sure it's not going to last more than 2 months now.

>>13118332
Start nailing her friend as much as you can then.

Strange and sudden decline in my sense of space and balance during sunday, as if I was drunk. Lasted about 15 minutes.

Sudden and significant surge of joy today, despite having reasons to be down. Lasted about three hours. After that started talking with a friend and was hit by a profound feeling of derealization, as if he was the only concrete thing in the world and everything else was intangible and abstract. Made me think about using the focus of a camera to make everything besides your subject seem blurry. Lasted a couple minutes.

Still feel very alone, but frankly, having friends doesn't fix it and I don't like any of the girls I know, just find some hot. Anna could be different, I suppose, but who knows when will we see each other again.

>>13118275

>tfw writing drafting a plot erotic novel about Anne Frank and can't figure out what fate the other six people in hiding should suffer

At this rate, I don't see any way that America can remain a single country in its current form for the next half century. But I also think balkanization is a meme, not only because the powers that be would never let it happen or that the conflict is generally within states (cities vs. non-urban) rather than between them -- but because I don't see any viable way for the country to split up into autonomous territories in a viable way. But the direction this country is heading down makes me wonder, what comes next? Accelerationism offers few answers. I don't know what to think.

My finger smells like poopy

>>13118275
Taking a shit in a public bathroom for the first time in ages.
Boy the shitter is so small, sitting here feels like a joke of some sort.

you ever just be talking to someone and forget which one (man) you are

>>13118527
Nazi Sweatshop where they make tshirts and paper weights for concentration camp gift shops

>>13118275
I AM INVINCIBLE

I HATE MYSELF FOR HOW MUCH I DESPISE MY FATHER. I WISH I COULD RESPECT HIM.

>>13118275
>managed to write one rough draft at last.
>currently working on another one for self-publishing, has to be around 250-300 pages
>have an outline and half-page done
>It's a Post-apocalypse YA cyberpunk Urban fantasy novel.
>Never really wanted to write this, only writing it as a sorta jumping off point
>I actually wanted to write a Post-Apocalypse Military science fantasy novel,

Any advice to overcome this feeling?

I’m slow, I’m stunted
My ball has been bunted
I sprint to first base but with haste I’m confronted

>>13118275
No more drugs for me. Pussy and religion is all I need.

Not only are material objects vanity, but so are ecstatic experiences. Too many people I know sit around with friends barely talking whilst smoking and drinking and proclaiming "haha aren't we great we don't care about jewellery or branded objects", but sex, drugs, idleness is obviously a similar form of vanity to consumerism.

We should all be ascetics and commit our lives to building amazing things. Forget drinking, sex, holidays, etc.

Any books on this, even in disagreement?

>>13119250
BASED

>>13119306
I agree with You. It is all intake. Buy a car, buy an ounce...

I have not come across an ideology who's members are more narcissistic and ignorant than Protestant Christianity. They make the DSA look like a well oiled trapeze team. I'm not even Christian anymore but you can immediately tell the difference in quality between Protestants and Catholics, it's not even a comparison.

>>13119315
I know I'm being contradictory because this act of building is simply making better and better objects, the kind of which I just criticised

but I think that maybe the idea is to make something that will succeed you. The secret to everlasting life is everlasting fame. Or something like that

>>13119212
Made me chuckle, thanks anon.

I'm going to Italy at the end of this month. What things can I not miss in Rome? I've already decided I want to see the Colosseum, the forum, and Vatican city.

>want to write more, have essentially a few weeks off with few responsibilities
>imagine burying myself in manuscript papers, papers everywhere
>typefag on laptop though
>wake up at 6 am
>can't get "awake" until afternoon
>primo after 6 pm, do my best work
>sleepy times at 9-10 pm
>low productivity
i want complete and total derangement of all the senses. how do i stop being lazy? even if I "work" on writing for 10 hours a day it feels like i accomplish little. lots of reading, then research for shit, but only like 3k words a day written. this is shit. i want to write so much material that i could print it and throw it around my room and bury myself in it, and i want it to all be clean copy and sincerely good. what do?

i already drink 3-5 cups of coffee a day and it doesn't do shit

Do a hard hour long run or bike ride, nothing will wake you up quicker, especially in the morning

>>13119477
>>13119438
Sorry, meant for

I'm thinking of playing Mafia 3, I like the time period. Is the game any good? Idc about the story, only gameplay and style

I'm alone because I don't stick around and I know it's my fault.
I don't need anybody's compassion.

>>13119438
Welcome to the myth of the “ideal” writing scenario. When you force yourself into an imagined situation like that you punk yourself out like you are now. There is a life to live that’s just as important, that you should stimulate especially with the way it applies to your writing. Think less in terms of maximizing efficiency and create a schedule and rhythm to your life. Set up small term goals and pace yourself. Apologies in advanced if this sounds too platitudinous.

I have to finish my BA thesis in about six weeks and I have done almost nothing so far. I need to finish it to study in another field, because I thought I need another degree to really get a worthwhile job someday, but all of sudden it hit me that I really don't need that many things in life and that the pursuit of a job in the finance industry will only make me miserable.

I will still do my best to get a second degree (in mathematics), but I will do it for myself and refrain from doing it just for some vague career prospects in an industry that absolutely kills the soul. I'll also try to write and paint more.

>>13119630
iktf. i hate the jobs for my major and regret taking the student debt for it. i thought ...well, various things... but in reality the day to day is insufferable. i'd rather be dead. now going to a career field i didn't need any degree for, so i pissed 50k into the trash, essentially. oh well. that's what you get when you force 17 year olds to make decisions based on misinformation and vague predictions of things they haven't experienced.
just wrote a short story about this type of thing actually. submitting it later today.

>>13119704

Hang in there, anon. I'm quite old to study again (28), but I'll do it anyway. I live in Europe so luckily uni is not really expensive. I'd very much like to just work again (worked for several years in between studies) but I seem to need a decent degree so these human resource monkeys consider me.

I WANT TO BE A LITTLE GIRL

>>13118275
I'm such a low life I find hard even accepting my condition.
There must be some higher being, but then why would He allow this ?

>>13119727
>human resource monkeys
I want to spit on people who tell me they work in HR. Anyway I'm formulating plans. I'm not cut out to work in an office, that much is clear, and it can go to hell. Go for it, it's better to live with a little extra sunk time and debt than to live in complete misery. To hell with it all.

This whole abortion law thing in Alabama makes me feel gross. I can't understand how someone can be in favor of abortion. Or, I can, but just can't imagine being the type of person who would be so morally bankrupt to support it. Violence against those who are too weak to defend themselves is almost always wrong, whether it is factory farming, concentration camps, or abortion.

>>13120002

Office work can be good if you have the freedom of choosing your hours and if your team is good. Made quite some friends at my workplace. Many young people here though and a relaxed atmosphere, don't expect it to be like this in bigger companies.

I kind of agree with your statement on HR. They're not deliberately vile, but it boggles my mind that most modern companies - whose capital are essentially the employees' brains - let some business apes with no empathy to other fields handle the recruiting of talented people for complex tasks, e.g. computer science or something like this. Most talented people I know are kind of shy or bad at presenting themselves as candidates, because their skills lie in other fields.

>>13118275
Something is wrong with my head and I don't know what it is. It started with hearing loss in my right ear, which I thought was due to clogging from wax. I went the doctors and they cleaned it out with a water spray thing. Said the eardrum itself looked perfect. The next morning I woke up with tinnitus which hasn't gone away since. It's been more than a month now. That's not even the worst part though; I get sharp pains in my ears now, like I'm being stabbed directly in the side of the head. There's also a headache which hasn't relented for weeks. I don't even remember what it felt like to not be in pain anymore. I can hardly enjoy music now, have given up playing guitar and my dreams of recording an album, and don't know if I can ever go to a concert again. Too much physical movement makes me feel like I'm going to faint.

I'm trying to get through each day at a time, but there's not been a single one where I haven't considered suicide. I'm writing a book too, a science fiction/fantasy thing which /lit/ would probably consider shit, but it's something to work towards.

Gonna trip on acid this weekend in hopes that it might give me some better perspective; haven't tripped since this started happening so we'll see how it goes.

>>13120094

dude, see a neurologist, that sounds like a serious problem, maybe with your brain. Don't neglect yourself - there are things on this plane of existence that make it worth for you to stay. Don't give up brother.

>>13120094
Don't give up. Meditation can help.
The human mind can get used to just about anything

>>13120094
>haven't tripped since this started happening
When was the last time You tripped? Any correlation between the two?

>>13118275
Was in a bad relationship my first year of college with someone from back home. We broke it off, she apparently was pretty traumatized by it (she had some major issues figuring out her sexuality and attachment problems with her family. I was seen as a pretty stable, safe pick for a partner. Now I'm fairly certain she just dates women) and to make it worse for her most of our mutual friends took my side. Now I think some of them are starting to make up with her again and coming to resent me. Afraid I'll make it back home after I graduate this week and they'll all shun me. It's all fairly irrational, but I can't get it off my mind.

’Its almost 12 and I don't wanna get out of bed

I don’t think it will never be provable that numbers or mathematics exist in the real world and in a way the question does not make sense. Functional isomorphism is a relationship any two systems can exhibit in which some interpretation of the first system’s features and some interpretation of the second’s can be directly mapped onto each other. I mean “systems” as leniently as possible, this includes animals, algorithms, machines, mathematical constructs, axioms and rules of inference, relationships, pure ideas, anything that can be interpreted as having a function or behavior. Even our perception of the world around us is only functionally isomorphic to it; the mapping is direct enough that we are able to navigate the world but it’s still only a completely human-tailored reconstruction of what may be around us. One of my favorite examples comes from Douglas Hofstadter, who pointed out that although every butterfly has a totally and vastly different atomic structure, the functions of their body parts and behaviors can still be mapped directly onto each other. That’s why we can still consider them “the same.”

Math and physics are systems we’ve found ourselves with that is extremely isomorphic to the observable world around us

When we do math with pen and paper, our systems of symbols are also merely isomorphic with mathematics. How could you possibly bridge the gap between arbitrarily chosen symbols on a flat surface and our cognitive understanding of math other than simple interpretation?

>>13120130
Last tripped maybe four months ago. I've wondered if there was a connection but it doesn't seem like there's any evidence to support that theory.

I hope drowning isn't that bad. I fantasize dying to it every day. I'm not sure why, but all other methods of suicide are either too attention whorish, or aesthetically unpleasing. I just want to die alone and never have my body found again.

>>13120170
Experimentation you fucking pseud.

>>13119425
Dude if it’s in season stay in the hostel outside Florence. Hostello Bigallo. Old converted monastery. Make sure you go thr the ufizzi gallery to see Da Vinci’s work.

>>13120184
lol, what experiment

>>13120028
If you don't like abortion, don't get one. Trannies and plastic surgery silicone-tit thots make me "feel gross" and i don't propose banning it.
>how dare women have a say in their own lives
>giving birht to a kid they don't even want is their punishment for being a slut
>who cares if it could kill them
>who cares if it's 9 months of absolute hell and torture that leaves their bodies half-dead
>how DARE those women have sex and be so unlucky as to have the condom break!

God I miss cigarettes. They were about as beneficial to my sanity as they were detrimental to my health.

>>13119425
You should check out the Altare della Patria. It's a truly majestic building.

>>13120094
iktf. neck/throat has been bothering me the past few days, feels tight and there's a lump in one side. figure it might be from shitty posture and been trying to correct it but can't be helped. feels like i'm being choked. bodies suck. fucking meatsuits, man.
i get this thing in my ears where sometimes out of nowhere there's this ungodly loud ringing like hell is falling from the sky and splitting the world in two. usually put my palm to my ear and use the suction to clear it. goes away after a minute but it's still scary. headaches lasting days for no reason to where i feel like i'm gonna faint, random dizzy spells, random splitting pains, kinda pain makes you drop to your knees and roll around the floor grabbing your body. no reason, nothign wrong with me. got at least 2 other chronic issues to, but i'm "perfectly healthy", just in god awful pain almost every day.

I almost, on the surface level anyway, had it. I got a gf, got a good score for post grad and joined this book club where I met fellow readers. Yet I feel hopeless about my future career, distance my self from people and through inaction lost my girl. Reading Ivan Illiych and Portrait of a young artist helped me remember that my stasis, meekness and inability to grasp life for what it is is because I haven't reconciled my own inner contractions and conflicts. The characters in these books came to an epiphany about their identity and that is something I must achieve as well. On the one hand I am glad I am not facing this duty on my deathbed but the demands of what lies in front of me seems insurmountable.

>>13120181
patrician choice. i'm fond of either slitting my wrists while sitting in a bathtub, for some reason stabbing my stomach (in know it's slow and painful but my brain doesn't get it), or hanging. jumping would be amazing too. heard drowning is painful but what do i know. do it somewhere scenic.

>>13120242
Sucks to hear man, but at least someone on this board gets what this feels like. Good luck

>>13120275
I think most people have some random pains and issues, honestly. Most just don't like to talk about it. My dad has had tinnitus since he was a teen (he shot guns without hearing protection often.) Admitted it drives him nuts and a lot of people have committed suicide over it. A friend told me he has chronic depression. Met someone else who cuts. Everyone lives in hell together but we won't speak to each other, just pretend everything is well and fine and we're not burning.

>add book to goodreads
>less than 100 rating (fairly popular books easily get half a million)
>probably 30% of the books I add have ratings extremely low like this, some in single digits or teens
Makes me feel like I'm insane. I don't think what I'm reading is that obscure and it's not intentional. Usually it's a less popular work by a fairly well known author.

>>13120222
It reduces human life to something that can put into a hedonistic calculus, that is very suspect. The idea of a human being dissembled by forceps and vacuumed up is nauseatingly evil.

>>13120301
That human will just get ignored by Republican boomers as it goes hungry anyways

>>13118286

>caring about speed
freshman spotted

>>13120301
You can't legislate based on morality. That 100% leads to tyranny. Plenty of people do plenty of evil things every day. Just mind yourself and lead a life you find virtuous. You can't make the entire world agree with you.

Imagine if a vegan became president and started saying eating meat was evil and should be banned. It's inarguably evil to kill an innocent animal because you think it's tasty, but that's merely one more evil necessary for us to live life. Every human being injures other people in the course of living. Physical evil, emotional evil, where do you draw the line at what to regulate? Should womanizing be illegal? Should binge drinking while you have children going hungry be illegal? Should using your kid's potential college fund on cigarettes be illegal? What about being too busy on facebook to drive them to the library?

You can't morally police everyone all the time. Let it go. Not only won't they thank you, they probably won't agree with you from the beginning.

>>13120308
Don't you think that argument is unintelligible? Does it make it justified to kill a person because an unrelated person will not provide them to the extent that you believe they should?

>>13118275
I think mediation and blind fate is the only way out from this infernal capitalist wasteland.

>>13118287
This, so long as we’re published by 30.

>>13120326
I'm not saying that I support banning it, or that you should legislate morality, just that it feels disgusting and radically immoral and I want no part in it, or to ever be around someone who's done it.

>>13120028
>Violence against those who are too weak
>those
What a retarded argument. Being someone requires some kind of neural activity, and a embryo two months into pregnancy hardly have the mental capacity of a slug. From the perspective of violence aborting a 2 months old embryo is no worse than uprooting some weed. Use arguments based on potential if you want to argue against early abortions without looking like a complete idiot.

I hate everyone

>>13120327
>Does it make it justified to kill a person because an unrelated person will not provide them to the extent that you believe they should?
You do not kill the "person", the unrelated person do.

Anyway, banning abortions does force actual humans into miserable lives. Unwanted, unloved and unsupported. A society that does that without providing for those lives is morally as unjust, if not worse, as a mother that would leave her newborn to fend for itself at birth.

Humanity's actions can question your purpose in this world

>Bismarck: “A statesman cannot create anything for himself. He must wait and listen until he hears the steps of God sounding through events; then leap up and grab the hem of the garment”
I keep listening, and I hear nothing. I want to be great, but I can only ever be good at my very best. To seize anything but the garment itself will only be to become a useful idiot. Uselessness is the preferable fate. God, though, I want to hear something.

>>13119208
Nietzche had an aphorism that said something along the lines of "he would never read anything meant to be written". I believe this applies to fiction as well. Don't write something because you want to write something. Sit on your ideas, and develop them patiently.

>>13122046
>Not being a panpsychist

Where do I get started with nihilism?

>>13122317
read some faggot's notes about Nietzsche.

>>13118275
I just finished reading The Duel and I found it to be one of the most honest and timeless works I have read. One of the most important messages in the novella is that movement towards the truth is not quite linear; one step forward, two steps back.
This maxim feels true as my confidence serves as my greatest asset and a detriment. I tread down paths I could never have looked at were I filled of cowardice, but as I put my head down and charge, the bush and brambles knock me twice back. Sometimes the road becomes obscured, the passenger becomes lost. But there is no going back.
One of the few things you must have in life is confidence, never lose it, no matter where it takes you.

>>13122181
https://youtu.be/8-83G5wECBs
You might want Carlyle on Heroes and Hero worship

>>13120222
Your answer could be summed into "I want to be a whore with out the judgement or consequences". Maybe if you made it more melodramatic for effect, someone would actually give a motherfucking pity about your oh so bad consequence from slutting around.

>>13120326
You know there's nothing on this earth that could compare to cutting up a human still in the womb despite your strawmen. This is a unique evil for the hedonists.

>>13122046
*Snip snip*

>>13123321
have you ever seen the fistf ck abortion/cannibalism vid on /b?

>>13123396
The dismembering happens only after the fetus is instantly killed by a vacuum.

>>13118275

i have a hard time finding my identity beyond what i consume

>>13123396
lulz rip babby
trust me your cumsocks are like 3 million baby corpses and just as disgusting.

>>13123396
>23 weeks is 2 months

i just don't know anymore.

>>13119306
Have you heard of Buddhism?

>>13122046
Reminder that politics isnt about about arguing the Truth, only arguing a perverted version of it.

>>13123396
Its just a visual representation of somethimg. What is that something? Is there a meaning to what this visual something is? How do i define things? Do my definitions make them true? Can i know anything actually true?

>>13118275
whats good lit

>>13123396

How do I balance being an unironic anarchist with the weird, capitalist feeling of needing to "succeed" (in the terms of our capitalist culture)? I help people whenever I am able for nothing but thanks (that I only joke about requiring because I honestly need some positive reinforcement in my life) and don't want anything in return. Honestly, I don't, but people often feed me which is always good. I help my mom's church despite being an atheist and feeling church is a vile place. I try not to mess anyone over and to my knowledge I haven't. I give what I can to others but I do have to watch my finances. I try to be a good person despite my flaws (laziness save when motivated, bad temper, bad people skills (yet others say I am endearing and charismatic which I honestly don't see), I complain a lot, allergies that stop me from partaking in some things, plus more).

Yet, I can't shake the idea that I'm supposed to get ahead at all costs. Like I'm supposed to be a sociopath to succeed. I look around me at a lot of the people I know who aren't well off or even bad off. They just are. They're good people. Then, I look at the people who succeed and see nothing but taking advantage of others, taking advantage of loopholes, etc. Those people "make it" whilst others don't. These people live well whilst others barely live at all.

For 28 years I've been myself but I look around and feel conflicted. Like I'm the person who was wrong. It's constantly in the back of my head.

What the fuck am I doing.

>>13120170
Math could exist without the world around us and without us as well. We simply invented the symbols to talk about the methods that allow us to get one piece of information from another piece of information. For example, a square has four equal sides of 2cm, so, the area is 4cm. We can then use these methods of getting information from other bits of information in the real world. It does not need to have a real world basis to work or exist however, and the method of getting the area of a square from its perimeter existed before humans discovered it. Humans defined a square and saw that it was simply 2 sides multiplied by one another. Some other being in another universe could do the same and would get the same answer.

>>13124676
Read the stoics. Or the cynics. Being successful in the eyes of others is a meme.

Also, come join the dark side, there's nothing wrong with doing things for yourself either.

>>13124788

Ancaps are just libertardians and should be shot. What a bullshit bastardisation of anarchism. Bootlicking shit.

>>13124804
:^)

>>13124812

Fair enough. Your first semi-paragraph was good, though. The worst part is I know it's a meme and I'm actually quite uncaring as to what most people think on many things. My looks, my hobbies, my clothing, etc. I just look at myself often and say, "nothing will come of you in this race. Everyone leaves you behind and all you do is nothing or serve others."

the only thing that can be considered "existant"

>>13123396
this makes me wonder what happens when a pregnant woman has sex
does the semen from male partner end up in the womb where the fetus is present?

>>13124943
yes, obviously

>>13124948
holy shit does that mean we're cum guzzling even before we're born if our parents can't keep it in their pants during pregnancy or if a mother is cheating

>>13124953
from the moment of conception you're literally bathing in another man's semen, bro

>>13124953
You where cucked and/or homo before you had even developed a brain.

>>13123441
do you need an identity?

>>13125221

doesn't everyone

reciprocation emulation versus internal knowing dancing

>>13118275
dead in the middle of little italy little did we know that we riddled two middlemen who didn't do diddly

>>13118332
my wife's friend is having a hard time with her husband
in a conversation about it with my wife i said "well she's very sexy, she wouldn't find it hard to find a new man"
my wife jokingly told her friend that i wanted to have a threesome with them
the friend is coming over to stay at our place next month
wish me luck anons

>>13123396
>>13123993
the vast majority of abortions are done in the first trimester
only a couple of percent of abortions are done at this time. mainly if there are health issues for the mother or if the foetus is abnormal in some way
stop trying to present this as if it is the norm

My grandfather died last Sunday. Burial was yesterday. It's my first time dealing with the death of a loved one. He was 94; he survived concentration camps and the Korean war, lost a brother, lost a son, worked and read until the very end. All of it is gone now, all that pain and efforts were pointless. I still want to be tough and peaceful like he was, I work for it, but what's the point since I am going to die like he did?

>>13125306
post pic of wife's friend

>>13125342
>All of it is gone now, all that pain and efforts were pointless.
Was it really pointless?
You wouldn't exist if he hadn't gone through all that pain and efforts.

>>13119536
not op
but thanks for typing

Have you made somebody smile today?

>>13118275
Good morning lit, let's make it a great day

>>13118275
I fucking miss my life so much, if it wasn't for the risk of being mentally challenged I probably (hopefully) would've killed myself. People always tell me bullshit about turning your life around but I know it's just not true there's no second chances for me unless I just get away from people genuinely entirely and then there's the fear of one od my old friends coming to expose my fucking location and ruin my life again I hate this world I just want to die already make it and

>>13125342
>all that pain and efforts were pointless
I doubt he agree with you. If he did, would he really have kept on going working and improving himself till the age of 94? Living a good life is never pointless.

>>13124676
Remove yourself from the culture, rework the culture you find yourself in, or operate within the parameters of the capitalist culture. Good luck with the first two. You seem like a good person so you're doing better than most in my mind.

It's normal to feel desires for material things or for fame and power. Our entire culture and economy is based around consumption and accumulation of goods and property as indicators of social status and sexual desirability.

We want to believe the world is just and good people reap rewards while the bad are punished but as you know that's rarely the case. If your motivation for trying to be good is for personal and material gain then you've been mistakenly going about things.

Desire usually stems from some feeling of lack in your life. Figure out what you're lacking and how to meet that need or desire. If your answer is some material good beyond life essentials contemplate whether the contentment of obtaining it will be enduring.

unsure if I’m human anymore or if I ever was

>>13125342
I've thought about this a lot. You're not totally wrong, developing a skill, having a family, any endeavor is pointless since there will come a day when you die whether it's a week from now or 50 years down the line and all that you were and worked for will be lost.

Ultimately we must be content doing things for the experience in and of itself or the opportunities it provides us with and the relationships we make with other people. Your grandfather endured tremendous pain and suffering and witnessed humanity at it's most depraved. Yet he chose to suffer living through a concentration camp because he valued and loved his brother, his son, work, literature so much that it was preferential to tolerate those atrocities for an uncertain and what must have seemed to him almost impossible chance of one day experiencing the love and joy life can confer again.

>>13118275
I strive for beauty in the form of a woman willinng to love me .
Yet years pass and I'm as much of a loner as ever.
I regret my choices now more than ever

>>13124676
you're fine

On Monday I was in a weltschmerz mood, and on Tuesday I found fulfillment in my work, and on Wednesday I enjoyed my humble intellectual hobbies, and today I am tepidly indifferent to everything. Something is wrong and I cannot quite tell what.

>>13125746

I try to be a good person for its own sake. I don't even really like money. When I worked I barely even spent any, but that was kind of a catch-22 in some weird way because I felt like I wasn't being rewarded by the time I put into a job I absolutely loathed (and eventually quit due to wanting to seriously kill myself). I don't hate work. For something I enjoy I could work all day and night. It's working for others in a braindead, monotonous job that got to me. It was terrible. I don't know. Money sucks. Nice rambling here.

I think one thing I may be lacking is physical contact with another human. I don't mean sexual either. I read humans need contact with each other but I've never been one for being touched. The most I get consistently is when I get my hair cut every few months. The latest was when hanging out with friends and being playfully punched in the arm several times. I'm not sure that counts. I'd like to get a massage but aforementioned reluctance to touch is kind of holding me back. I just want my shoulders, neck, hands, and maybe my upper chest (near my shoulders) massaged. Just an hour of that. Maybe my face. It'd be weird, though.

I also feel like I lack purpose, I think. Who doesn't? I don't know. I just don't know a lot of things lately.

Just wondering where the marxists are

>>13125342
similar. my grandfather died a few weeks ago. also fought in the korean war. i'm not sad at all--he was 91. I doubt I'll reach 50. he had a long, happy life.

>>13126284
Physical contact is definitely important to mental health, Harlow did an iconic study on rhesus monkeys about it you might be interested to read about. It's definitely hard to come by as a guy if you're not in a relationship with someone.

Why do you think that you're averse to physical touch? Is it something purely physiological (hypersensitivity, ticklish, etc.) or do you think it's rooted in something psychological?

I used to be physically affectionate with my mom when I was little but then when I was around 7-8 she told me not to embarrass her in public by hugging her. It fucked me up for a while and I thought of basic physical contact as inappropriate or something to be ashamed of and I never got that contact again until I was in a relationship a decade later.

You also might consider that it's not just physical contact you crave that would be alleviated by a masseuse. Perhaps it's a part of a deeper desire to have an intimate relationship with someone (platonic or not) and your aversion to physicality is one manifestation of an unwillingness to make yourself vulnerable to another person.

As far as lack of purpose you just need to find out what it is you want in life and take strides to achieve that. If you don't like working for others maybe you should look into different types of freelance work. A friend of mine is a contracted helicopter pilot and works a few months on/off and gets to go to really interesting places and makes incredible money. Maybe you could be a photographer and get contracted for sports or nature photography.

I've never had a "passion" or "calling" for anything, at some point you just have to choose a path that will work for you and what you want out of life.

Wow do I hate sitting sometimes. I'm sitting right now and it's driving me crazy. I would even argue that having to sit for work is a kind of oppression, although as for who the perpetrator is I have no clue. Only standing or laying down feels natural and squatting looks silly.

>>13118275
I like /lit/ but I would like /lit/ even more if anons on it didn't sound like bunch of quasi-intellectuals hipsters hard press on sucking their college readings cocks. Those fucks need to lighten the fuck up and read some fiction.

Like holy fuck your noses are in the fucking clouds.

I'm going to write a fantasy trilogy (with two spinoffs) based on Elizabethan drama and the North Sea in this order. I plan to interconnect the 3 plots.
- Macbeth (Scotland)
- King Lear (England)
- Hamlet (Denmark)
- The Duchess of Malfi (Wales)
- The White Devil (Ireland)

The bible as a whole is non-sense. But the gospel taken alone contains no contradictions. If one interprets the gospel properly it leads to the realization that God has outlawed literally everything you want to do besides giving to the poor, spreading the Gospel and loving Him. However, there is one last bit of cryptic advice : "Set your mind on the will of God."

When it comes down to it, it really is the last philosophical pursuit. I mean, either there is a God and our lives have a divine purpose, or there is no God and everything you do is ultimately futile and insignificant.

I will take the higher route. The last chance and the long shot. What is there to lose?

>>13118275
we live in a paralel line with everybody else, we can get close to other yes but to be truly conected to someone is merely impossible, even in sex, even in love, a true conection with other life forms is impossible with our actual capabilities.
We as humans with human eyes cant even get a grasp of what really is happening out there, the only thing we really understand is what is inside you and outside you, if you are after all the one who dictate how you understand and do things why the hell wouldnt be you the one who decide how you feel?
After several years of looking at humanity from afar, I noticed a tendence to feelinig agraviated or assaulted for litteraly nothing, this in my poor understanding of things, must be a reaction of your own ideas, is well known that sadness happens when your high expectations of what things ''should'' happen meet reality and is not really what you think you needed to happen really, but instead of that, the people decide to stay strong in their expectations, turning themselves into sad sacs of meat that work, eat, sleep and shit following nothing, understanding nothing at all, losing the only oportunnity of the human race to become more inteligent, we, are truly chimps with guns.
may bast hear me

>>13126887
>Incest as a bad thing in Wales
>Blackface a reasonable disguise in Ireland
>Loyal daughter in England
Gonna lack verisimilitude there

i was sitting on my back deck and started studying the ants crawling around. it made me think that their lives could be ended in just one step of my foot. thinking of the bigger picture i realize we are all just ants that drive cars around and live in different hives striving for the same things. it makes me think there has to be beings out there that look at us like ants and how irrelevant we are. at a moment a higher being could squash us but they are too preoccupied with more important things than killing a pathetic "evolved" animal.

>>13126887
oh wooooow neeeeeever seen thaaaaat done before.

>>13118275
am tired

>>13126887
my intention is not to be edgy or avant-garde. I just want to do it for myself.
Plus, my audience (non-english speaking country) is not well-versed in Elizabethan drama.

>>13127130
shit, I meant this >>13127157
for you.

I’m an indolent cumbrain. Make it stop

>>13126880
Seriously, what did you expect?

>>13125342
I watched my grandmother die recently. I understand how you feel, but her death gave me the opposite feeling. She created my father, and he created me, and then she left. She imbued us with what she is. My life has meaning because I must carry with me the spirit that she had in this world. I am her spirit. My family is her spirit. Connect with your family, put yourself together with them. When you add yourselves together, you will find that he has never left. He is all of you added together. This is the gift of life.

>>13127636
beautifully said. I'm going to go apologize to my brother and father.

>>13126844

It's more because my family isn't affectionate like others are. I see other families hugging and saying nice things to each other. Being positive and happy. I'm sure it's only in public but still it's still there. My family just doesn't. There is affection there but it's unspoken. We just exist around each other. No hugs. No pats on the back. I don't know what I really think about it either. It's normal, you know? That's the way we are. People comment on it often as weird. That's probably why I'm not a fan.

It's a bit weird though as I'm not very affectionate with anyone. Except my dogs. My ex-girlfriend was very hands on and always wanting to hold my hand or cuddle, which I obliged often but never instigated. I didn't call her pet names either. Just her name. It's not that I didn't care it's just how I am, I guess. I don't think that's what I'm craving is my point, I think.

As for purpose I have no idea. Some people have one chosen for them and sometimes I wish for the simplicity of that. If my father were a farmer I'd be a farmer. Something like that. I fall into a lot of interests and dabble into even more because it's all interesting to me. I don't think I could ever choose one and go, "boy this will be my vocation so I will go extra into it." In an era of specialties I am a jack-of-all-trades with no motivation unless I'm interested.

I wish my family were farmers and I didn't have a choice but I'd probably dislike that too. It's a contradiction.

>>13123306
why should being a whore have the consequence of bearing another human life? dont we want people to have good mothers?

I really need to have sex.

>>13129439
>>13129439
If that were a concern gay couples wouldn't be able to adopt children

>>13129489
sex really needs to have you

I have finally grasped what my problem is. I do not possess willpower, not enough to function properly. I have no initiative. I am like a machine without oil. I cannot start on my own, I need someone else to pull the lever. Once they do, I will work properly on my own for the first few minutes, then I will shut down again, for I do not possess willpower to sustain myself. This will not do in the world. People are tired of always having to support me for so little pay-off. I am an obsolete and defective machine in the factory that is our universe. I should be replaced and thrown away, I desire to be replaced and thrown away. Yet the world won't kill me, and it will not give me the courage to end myself. Please, if there is a God, give me the strength and certainty to end my existence. There is no need in this world for a machine that cannot function on its own.

>>13118275
I think nihilism and postmodernism are the logically "correct" lenses through which to view modern human existence. The contradiction is that I can't actually be happy or fulfilled by doing this.

>>13130324
400 lbs?

I wish I could make great art of music. I just want to make people happy.

Feel starved for human affection. I want to be touched by a woman; Not even talking about sex, just tenderness.

>>13130773
I'm studying to be an artist. Most of the time don't even believe in myself. I've also been wanting to learn how to play an instrument or sing, but probably shouldn't sice my schedule is already tight. Christ, I can't even decide which one I would like to learn.

>>13130794
What kind of art are you studying?
>Feel starved for human affection.
Me too. But more than affection, attention. I feel like a horrible person but I just crave it so much. I can't function without the approval of others. Even now I'm making this about me more than you.

>>13130832
>What kind of art are you studying?
Drawing and photography, for now. Would be lying if I said these are mediums that absolutely captivate me, but I enjoy both and believe them to be priceless as a way to sharpen my abilities.

>Me too. But more than affection, attention. I feel like a horrible person but I just crave it so much. I can't function without the approval of others. Even now I'm making this about me more than you.
You remind me of myself. I’ve been getting envious of others recently, such an ugly emotion. Can’t say it’ll get us out of this hole, but my most recent enterprise while looking for an exit is meditation. The one outlined in “The Mind Illuminated”, to be precise.

Wanna talk about what's been bothering you?

>>13127485
Less assholes but I guess that is asking too much.

Every girl to whom I get even remotely close is a conduit for my emotional frustration. I realize that I don't actually care about them at all. I just fantasize about how it would be if I had someone to hold, and they are just the face that is plastered on the figure I so desperately crave in my life. I've come to realize I haven't made a single lasting bond with another human being - including my own family - in my 22 years of life. And I'm not alone in that regard. How ironic.
It's easy to adopt a stern, masculine mindset when your emotional needs are fulfilled, either by a caring mother or father, a loyal group of male friends, a loving girlfriend, a wise spiritual teacher, whatever. I can't even force myself into this state of mind anymore. It would feel as though my convictions are grounded on thin air.
What's even more hurtful is the fact that it's precisely this objective, steady mindset that radiates an air of security and comfort in the eyes of those around you, which is exactly what attracts them to you. And it's the mindset that facilitates and develops that attraction into something more without the possibility of you scaring them away with your empty fucking soul.
The cycle continues, and I refuse to lay down and let it roll over me. I have the rest of my life ahead of me and if I can't break free of this now, I never will. But at this point I feel cornered, hopeless, and fucking terrified.

>>13125819
osamu dazai?

>>13130794
Learn the piano. It's versatile, easy to pick up (and hard to master), and practically all of music theory and production is based around that particular layout of notes (or vice versa, I forget). It will make the learning process less painful than most other instruments, especially if you're picking it up at an older age (20+)

>>13130905
>Drawing and photography, for now.
Nice, I like those too. What kind of camera do you have?
>You remind me of myself.
You too.
>I’ve been getting envious of others recently, such an ugly emotion.
I know, I hate it too. It's a useless emotion and does nothing but fill me with bad thoughts, but it's all I think about. There is always just somebody better than me out there, and I want to be them so badly.
>The one outlined in “The Mind Illuminated”, to be precise.
I'll check it out, thank you.
>Wanna talk about what's been bothering you?
If you wanted to. Maybe I could help you too. I just have an insatiable thirst for attention and the approval of others. It's an awful, parasitic way to live,and I loathe myself for it.

>>13130981
>What kind of camera do you have?
My brother's old T4i. I've actually been very worried because after May ends and things get less hectic I'll look for jobs/apprenticeships as a photographer, but don't have money for a better camera/lenses.
>There is always just somebody better than me out there, and I want to be them so badly.
For me is more like wanting their things rather than to be them.
The money, the supporting family, the pleasant job, the confidence, the cute girlfriend, the good looks, etc...
> I just have an insatiable thirst for attention and the approval of others. It's an awful, parasitic way to live,and I loathe myself for it.
Do you feel like you can't be yourself? Like your being shapes itself to the form it believes to be more pleasant to however you are dealing at the moment? At least with me, that's what happens. This submissiveness, along with the desire to always please and care for the opinions of complete strangers that goes beyond that which I have for myself, are great setbacks. These past few months I’ve started to belief developing confidence may be the most important thing to people like us. Also, don't know if you already do these things, but exercise, eat and sleep well. It helps a lot.

>>13131033
Nice. I have an Nikon F5. I wish I could afford digital. Since the T4i is Nikon, you could probably find some older lenses somewhere, Nikon has a great range of interchangeability. Best of luck with finding some work in that field!
>The money, the supporting family, the pleasant job, the confidence, the cute girlfriend, the good looks, etc...
Yes, sometimes I just feel envious, even if they're doing something I wouldn't otherwise have any interest in. It's a really unhealthy kind of competitiveness.
>Like your being shapes itself to the form it believes to be more pleasant to however you are dealing at the moment?
Pretty much. I can be a complete doormat. I'll do anything they ask. In fact I care very little about my self at all. I don't feel much enjoyment at the moment. I also have severe depression so that doesn't help, it all feeds into a vicious cycle.
>but exercise, eat and sleep well
I do too, but I really have to force myself upon it.

>>13130941
I really should read no longer human some time, I feel like I know it intuitively

I haven't had sex in a few years and finally have a girl who not only wants to sleep with me, but seems so obviously wrapped around my finger that I barely have to try anymore. And I'm still too much of an autist to reply to her text about hooking up. She sent it 9-something pm. Hopefully it doesn't look too bad if I reply the next morning.

>>13118275
I'm heading off to a top college next fall, but I really struggle to connect with other people. I have so much empathy and love for others, but I can very rarely establish the reciprocal bonds that truly want. I have a lot of friends now, but all except one of these relationships seems so shallow. I'm nervous in college that I'll be very lonely.

Also, I'm really enjoying Joyce

>>13131143
Cute, is Joyce your girlfriend's name?

>>13131148
James Joyce

>>13131173
Oh, boyfriend then, that's cool too.

I fucking hate myself and can't plug the hole in my chest :)))

My mind is on Jesus Christ.

i need to stop fucking crazy bitches

Only love attained before sexuality is pure.

>>13131343
retard

>>13123699
I still believe in progress and meaning. I'm just not sure how to disentangle it from vanity, materialism

what exactly are the wizard powers everyone is talking about?

>>13119306
>materialism is vanity
>shaping materials into "amazing things" is not vanity

The amazing things we have built have been the result of a succession of ideas and collaboration between great minds over the course of centuries so why advocate asceticism?

Denying loose girls left and right on a Friday night. I am disgusted despite the liquor. There is something not quite about modernity. It is preferable to brawl with fellow drunkards out of impure sportsmanship; warrior spirit sublimated in unfit war.

>>13131104
Sorry for taking so long to reply, I forgot completely about class and had to go so I could sleep at least three hours before it.

>Since the T4i is Nikon, you could probably find some older lenses somewhere
It’s a canon actually, but yeah, I may be able to find old lenses if I really try to.
>It's a really unhealthy kind of competitiveness.
At least you recognize it. A lot of people don’t realize when they are being envious and try to justify the feeling or end up resenting others.
>I don't feel much enjoyment at the moment. I also have severe depression so that doesn't help, it all feeds into a vicious cycle.
Wow, we really are alike. I also have to force myself to maintain a good routine, but at least we are doing it. Although I fucked up my sleep again

The best I have to say to you is keep your head up and always go forward.

I've spent the last few months considering my faith, what it means to have faith, who Christ is, and how to follow after him, and I've come to realize that I simply love Christianity. Even though I'm not Orthodox or Catholic or Lutheran, I love reading testimonies and conversion stories from all denominations, reading homilies or sermons written by the faithful, or just listening to some beautiful music written for performance in a cathedral.
Specifically, I've been reading Augustine's Confessions and found it to be full of truths about human nature and about faith that remain true today. The parts about his addiction to lust really resonated with me since I've spent a good few years struggling with much of the same.