/lit/ - Literature

I don't really have much to post but to start us off, here's something I wrote in freshman year of college. In each paragraph, every word could only start in one of two ways. I think I did well with the constraint and was the only one in the class to completely avoid even determiners and whatnot that didn't fit the pattern.
Never got around to posting it so why not

Oh shit, I almost forgot:
POST YOUR WORK AS A SCREENSHOT OR PASTEBIN
They take up too much room otherwise and the formatting is always bad

>>13104019
I'm trying to understand what this is about. Is it about some kind of post-apocalyptic cityscape or just an abandoned city of some sort? The description is quite vivid, and the precise vocabulary helps that quite a bit, but it feels too densely packed. The excessive alliteration makes it annoying to read, but I guess that was part of your assignment. I'd love to see your use of language and imagery applied to storytelling. Are you working on anything at the moment? Pic related is mine. I'll post a few more screencaps from this current project while I'm at it. Ignore everything after "Palestina Americana".

>>13104727
another sample from the same project

>>13104727
They're just little vignettes of the world before, with, and after mankind, there's not much else to it than that. I agree it's exhausting to read, I don't think it can stand on its own without the context of the assignment. I was just happy with the amount of variety I could get without repeating any notable words
I'll post some of my more straightforward fiction and yours a thorough read once I'm back at my PC. Thanks for the reply!

>>13104727
This feels very nice to read, even beyond the charming turns of phrase your sentences are just very smoothly written and it's clear you put a lot of thought into them. They have great rhythm and I can clearly hear the tone of the delivery you intended. It nicely complements the atmosphere of the subject matter, and by the way I really love the introduction of Buchbinder.
Really, the only criticism I could think of was that I think the first paragraph break should be moved up to right after "sun-splashed Jaffa." If you're going to hit us with a whopper of a sentence like that right out of the gate you might as well make a point of it ending.
Please do keep at it!
>>13104818
This ain't yours, amigo

Here's what I spent today and yesterday working on. I'm stuck trying to work out how a scene will get from point A to point B but I'm interested in hearing impressions so far. If anyone has any guesses about where it's going, I'd love to hear those too

https://pastebin.com/u1ztFFW6

Behold, then, the suitor, alighting from a high
phaeton, beautifully adorned with coats of arms, not
only on the sides and back, but on the lining, drawn
by four cream-coloured ponies, and followed by two
£ne figures of men in white liveries, with horses
richly caparisoned, and displaying, in every part,
where it is possible, coronets of silver.

Here's what I spent today and yesterday working on. I'm stuck trying to work out how a scene will get from point A to point B but I'm interested in hearing impressions so far. If anyone has any guesses about where it's going, I'd love to hear those too

https://pastebin.com/W7EyHBpA

>>13104727
This feels very nice to read, even beyond the charming turns of phrase your sentences are just very smoothly written and it's clear you put a lot of thought into them. They have great rhythm and I can clearly hear the tone of the delivery you intended. It nicely complements the atmosphere of the subject matter, and by the way I really love the introduction of Buchbinder.
Really, the only criticism I could think of was that I think the first paragraph break should be moved up to right after "sun-splashed Jaffa." If you're going to hit us with a whopper of a sentence like that right out of the gate you might as well make a point of it ending.
Please do keep at it!
>>13104818
This ain't yours, amigo

Gonna follow with critique post for the posters thus far, enjoy

>>13105497
I'll look at the pastebin later. I like your writing. Your prose is good and pleasant to read, but here are a few notes:
>You should include some sort of description of Oliver right out the outset so that he doesn't seem too bland. I'm sure later on you will flesh out more details as the story progresses, but you should include something small here, could be something that only implicitly suggests character like an item of clothing. Maybe he's wearing a tweed jackets several sizes too big and it's flapping in the breeze. The same should be done to Tanya.
>Use a more visceral description for him eating than "finished his bagel". Maybe "took the final bites from his cream covered bagel and licked his fingers". That type of thing.
>Take out the "Hey" in the dialogue there. It sounds more dramatic if he justs states it blankly.
>instead of "one of them" noticing the time tell us who. That can give us a sense of character. Maybe Tanya is punctilious and responsible, while Oliver is absentminded?
Thank you for the feedback. I have a continuation of the passages I posted that I will type up tomorrow. If you're still around I'd like your thoughts on it as well

>>13104019
hard to read, but I am impressed with your vocabulary. could use less passive voice and still sound really cool
>>13104727
based first sentence lmao. After that I think you should take it easy on the long sentences though. Your descriptions are very thorough and you do well creating a vivid world. Great third person narration.
>>13105541
People don't usually start sentences with "Hey," and it looks bad in writing. I think you should keep tooling around with the good morning hugs scene, it feels a little lifeless. The rest was really smoothly written though.
>>13105578
mine

>>13105506
I'm awful at critique but I don't wanna break OP's rule

Your meter and imagery is great but I think you'd benefit from some alliteration/assonance

>>13105597
Thanks for giving it a read! It was helpful to read your suggestions, thinking them over helped me narrow in on what I'm trying to do a bit better.
For most stories I'd agree with almost all of your suggestions but I'm actually trying to keep the prose a bit distant from the main characters. I'm sure it won't be clear until a bit later (if I'm doing this right) but it isn't a very character-driven story at all, they're simply the medium that the real meat of the story happens through. That's why I have only basic descriptions of their actual actions and whatnot, and why the narration lingers on the cream instead of following either of them to their day jobs. The vague "one of them" is ideally supposed to further indicate their unity as a couple too, like it's irrelevant which one actually noticed since it could have easily been either.
Noted on the "Hey," it sounds right in my head but I think it'll fall flat for most readers. I'll fuss around with it a bit tonight

>>13105697
That's fair, as far as I'm concerned, the only rule of writing is "whatever works". If you can make those things work in the context of the story you are telling then that's great.

Every time I begin writing something I want to discard it and start over because it isn't perfect. But that means I never complete anything.

>>13105648
It sounds very important but I don’t think it lives up to its own tone. I’d try something a little more humble and work your way up from there

From /fa/:

months had passed without kouros being seen. in a way i was thankful and relieved. i could sleep again, and i was comfortable enough to walk without the endless rolling of my eyes. i took an afternoon to lay in the sun. from my street there was a footpath that led to a serene clearing with a small field and some trees. i walked toward one, my shadow widening and finally trampled into the shade of the trunk. i sat and in a moment's reflection i thought good thoughts. from here then shortly gave way to a long, dark passage. a deep blue turned black, thick with mist and stone, and this moment's rest now along a silent descent. still in this dense tranquility i could feel a low rumble, something beneath the grass, deep and shifting, cold. a contracting so wide and consolidated that it too quaked but cradled the heart. i came to and the sun had set, but i was still strangely calm. i stood beneath the maw of the beech crown and the sun rose suddenly. across the field a lone tree was standing upon a branch of a bramble bush shone brightly in the sunlight before i was sure it saw me. "come, douse," said kouros, the voice so loud and pealing it shook loose the leaves of the trees.

>>13104019
Very impressive
They way you constrain yourself to use only certain letter starting words and still manage to make it cinematic
Is this supposed to be practice? Or is the style intentional for narrative purposes

Here's my work btw

>>13105905
Could you explain what you mean by "lives up" and "humble"? I don't mean to sound stupid but I'm on LSD at the moment and I just wrote the poem a couple of minutes ago by typing whatever came to mind without stopping, so if anything seems intentional I promise its not because idk wtf I'm doing.

Here's another if it's no trouble

>>13105578
this might be trivial but no pot smoker I've ever met refers to the weed they smoke as "cannabis", so that kinda makes the dialogue a tiny bit hard to believe.
>Naomi was silent a moment
I might just be stupid but I don't think that makes sense
Your last paragraph is your strongest. The way the story's context reveals itself throughout the page in a striptease-like manner provokes curiosity and interest; you did a good job.

>>13106111
>that pic
embarassing

>>13106128
That's not very nice. Where's yours?

>>13106163
I like this one more
>Where's yours?
just because I don't write poetry doesn't mean I can't recognize bad poetry. it's like saying only chefs can judge food, when it is obvious to anyone with a mouth when the meat is raw

Here's a poem I just finished in the past few days. I've been focused exclusively on poetry for the past four months, and I'm just trying to sharpen my skills, so any criticism would be incredibly helpful.

I don't know how much I can offer in terms of really informed criticism, but I can give some honest reactions based on my experience writing and reading:

>>13105648
Something I learned recently in writing poetry is that it can be tempting to think of fun turns of language and poetic device before actually having something to express. Style before content. I think this leaves you with empty poems more often than not. Try starting with something you feel or believe, think about how to express accurately and succinctly it for a long time, write it down, and then sharpen the feeling. The language part seems instinctive to you, so I would imagine that cool ways of expressing the truth will come naturally once you have something clear to express.

I'm gonna post more critiques.

>>13106185
Forgot the link:
https://pastebin.com/6xqJ8Ecs

>>13103980
How Ladies cry out, “my beef is so clean”
Conjuring thoughts of rose petals agleam
Like the crease on cake at knife’s first slice
A discernible fissure hiding her spice
But woe to the saps tonguing girls’ crevasse
Eating diseases while their dates sext “Yaas!”
Rashes, lesions burn men’s faces quite bright
Medicines laid low by her microbes’ might
Abstaining from whores appears absurd lore
Inviting teases: virgin, cuck or bore
All the while marches Papilloma
Sickening box eaters to basal coma
The next tumescent dongs wave as thick fronds
Colors of sable, sand-dollar and bronze
Harpies shrieking to punish their flowers
Stabbing, drubbing by dick-smithy powers
Toning their snatches with trendy pineapple
Dogs and Juggalos, inside her they dabble
Stirring satyrs and thugs to coitally joust
Paired pistoning peens spraying ‘till so dowsed
Parading creampies to afront authority
Beefed-out snizzes unite in sorority
Their only guide a dick’s golden Magnum
And trilling fizzy queefs their slut’s anthem
Asserting a right for deep-dicked girl guts
Demanding diverse penetrative ruts

>>13104019
Great job. As a piece of prose, it's cumbersome to read, and the sections are a little drawn out, but as an exercise in language, you definitely went above and beyond. Really fun idea.

>>13106111
Wait to evaluate your poetry until you’re sober

>>13105619
>based first sentence lmao. After that I think you should take it easy on the long sentences though. Your descriptions are very thorough and you do well creating a vivid world. Great third person narration
At the end of the next chapter Buchbinder tells Safiyya a story about his grandfather, and I'm trying to make it all one sentence. So far it's a four page long sentence.

>>13106076
bump

“Good evening... Fucko.”
Reinsmore, the prototypical bastard jester grinned through his crimson mask as he greeted the Sullen Man without a shred of class.
“Perhaps, I should have been more honest.” The Sullen Man was questioning himself. He’d been found out. The circus was hip to his tricks.
“Sounds to me like you’re a little corn cob bitch with an axe to grind,” Reinsmore spat forth from his busted lips. “The little teeny tiny Sullen Man with his little teeny tiny Sullen Plan.” Reinsmore got a kick out of his adversary’s misery.
“I should have told you from the beginning,” the Sullen Man insisted.
Reinsmore scoffs. “Hmmmmmm?”
“I should’ve told you... that I was too god damned smart to be duped by a bunch of literal fucking clowns.”
Reinsmore’s face drops. His smile had been living a lie.
“Suck my Sullen Dick.”

>>13106993
bad

You're an ausfag in this one.

>>13106163
I particularly enjoy the last two lines, but I feel I'm not properly equipped to provide sound judgement of other people's writing.

Let’s get this show back on the road

>>13106993

I have to agree with >>13106999 but I want to try to be constructive.

Things that are a pleasure to write are frequently a chore to read.

Review your writing for cliches. At a minimum, replace "living a lie."

The casual profanity throughout probably renders the "without a shred of class" unnecessary. I'd argue it's another cliche but even if it weren't so, it could go.

There's not enough at the ending section. The simple declaration that "I was too god damned smart" doesn't justify the other character's deflated confidence. Did something happen? Did the saturnine fellow produce something that he shouldn't have had in his possession? Something needs to be presented to the reader to make Reinsmore's sudden loss of confidence plausible.

>>13107148
It’s very teen-boy writing, very eager to be striking and dramatic. You can write better than most people but I think you could use some time to mature, keep reading, nail down how exactly you want to sound and develop a sense of what is too on the nose for your reader. Relying less on all-caps dialogue and those italicized sentences might be a good first step
That em dash in the first sentence should be a comma, btw

Bmp

>>13106993
>“Good evening... Fucko.”
Dropped

I swear to god /write/ is stealing traffic
considering it's most likely to be the same group posting in these threads
easier to pitch your book ideas than actively putting them on paper and swallow bitter criticisms from others, I understand

>>13108499
fr fr

>>13105858
what is this? The ESLisms are strong in this one
you do that over and over again because you lack basic English proficiency
try again with easier ideas that are more personal and practice A LOT
don't go through what you have written again and again, you are not going to perfect it, write more and develop your skills and you'll see how much you have improved along the way

>>13107148
What are those italicized parts suppose to convey? Are those thoughts by the narrator? Or emphases? Sometimes it's placed in dialogues so I was really confused.

From which part are we supposed to identify ourselves as an aussie? I failed to see the correlation besides the occasional 'mating'
Also it takes immense skill to write in 2nd person
Yours only made me feel really edgy

>>13106076
more of my work
posting to bump the dead thread
wake up fellas

>>13108586
are you nishiki prestige

>>13108684
>nishiki prestige
is that some /n/ meme? (yea, that board exists somehow
but no I'm not your guy

>>13108723
he was a fantastic blogger and NRx satirist
deleted all of his shit from the web. never got a chance to tell him how much I loved his work. i was just hoping for a brief second

>>13108586
bumping till thread gains traction

>>13108586
There's some real potential here but you're way too eager to show off a big vocabulary. Cut down on your adjectives and let the sentences, not the words, communicate the feeling of the music you're trying to describe. If you do make any edits, please post the updated version; I'm curious where this goes

Also, doesn't really fit with the rest of those bands imo. I'd consider replacing it with something like Masonna, Sissy Spacek, Cromagnon, Stalaggh, maybe Orthrelm if you still want to include a metal outfit

>>13109439
>Also, doesn't really fit
Damn, I guess 4chan can't handle the black box character. You know what I meant

>>13107148
I agree with the other anon that you should just drop the second-person perspective. It adds very little here

>>13103980
a young woman walks along the street
2 fair legs bare erect, undisturbed

hacking, sick I wheeze and wait
the fourteen Hastings bus is late

sometimes I hate to see old friends again
fat and ugly, fugly, poor and struggling

in deepest sleeps silent dreaming, of beauty ever young, we hear muses mocking singing:
the cold of grave, the fire of age, the poor and sick and the dung

>>13104727
Tell me more about the wine-madness of Joshua Buchbinder and tell more about how Saffiya an 8 year old Catholic? girl in Instanbul is like and about her and awe and wonder.
Tell me more about Michael; what exactly is the "air of a perpetual vacationer?"

>>13105506
It's a bit herky-jerky isn't it?
Also "figures of men in white liveries" comes across as kind of rolling and trochaic like FIGures of MEN in white LIVeries (not a crit, just an observation)
And what is "£ne"?

>>13106242
It needs a bit more flow and some of the bigger words are worked in badly.
I think one thing you might want to try would be to rewrite it but without forcing couplet rhymes and just focus on the rhythm of the words.
Also, consider partial rhymes like "clean" and "agleam" as opposed to full rhymes like "bright" and "might."

Does this work?

>>13109965
I did not understand a single thing. Even ignoring the mistakes it still does not make any sense.

>>13109866
>Tell me more about the wine-madness of Joshua Buchbinder and tell more about how Saffiya an 8 year old Catholic? girl in Instanbul is like and about her and awe and wonder.
>Tell me more about Michael; what exactly is the "air of a perpetual vacationer?"
Are you saying that it's too vague, or are you saying you just want to know more? Naturally those details will be filled in with time. Safiyya is a Syrian Christian on her mother's side and Greek on her father's, Buchbinder is an alcoholic whose drinking gives him a skewed perception of reality, especially of the past, and Michael is someone with a very free and easy attitude but with a poor sense of responsibility since he is constantly traveling

Leaking again? I guess I'll top it off
/crit/ really should get its engine fixed

>>13108524
>tfw im a native english speaker.

Do I just write without backspacing?

alright, crit my shit up. be honest but pls no bully, literally my first time

setting: opening chapter of a fictional story about the development of civilization. so far it's only shown one unnamed man chasing a deer through an open plain. this sample is as he lays in the grss too tired to chase the deer anymore

also it's supposed to be slightly humourous, but i'm not married to the concept so have at that if you must

Sydney was giving him a look somewhere between confusion and genuine concern when Jason decided he could no longer tolerate standing in the awkward void. “If you wanna come to the game tomorrow. Like, as a guest.”

There was no shift in her expression, so there was still a chance she might relieve him of one or more extremity. A few more agonizing seconds passed before there was a response. “Yes. Yes, I’d like to come.”

“Really?” Jason was grateful almost no one was around to hear these outbursts.

“Do you mind if I invite Tara and George?”

“Yeah, totally. No problem at all. You know, I wasn’t sure at first, but I think it’s official: we make a pretty good team.” Jason said, still having to restrain his excitement.

“Like Marie and Pierre Curie,” Sydney responded.

“Who?”

“Patroclus and Achilles.”

“You’re one for two.”

She paused. “Iron Man and Captain America.”

He nodded, at last satisfied. “Definitely. You’re the brains, I’m the brawn. But you would totally be Wonder Woman. I mean, not just cuz she’s a woman, but because she’s, like, really smart and really beautiful. Uh…” Jason felt his face light up like a Christmas tree. “She’s also really tall. Not that I don’t think it’s okay that you aren’t tall, I think you look just fine at any height, but-gah,” There was a brief respite from the cascade before Jason turned and made a beeline in the opposite direction of his own dorm. “I’ll see you at the game tomorrow.”

>>13109439
Thanks anon
I'll check out all those artists that you posted
The one's I chose are inclined towards the thematically disturbing (besides Merzbow I guess), I haven't thought of putting artists that sound harsher and abrasive to the ear so thanks for the input there
As with the vocab part, is the first three sentences that you're talking about? Cause other than those the vocab seems pretty tame
I'll see what I can do to actually try and describe the sounds without peppering it with adjectives. It's kinda hard since it's meant to be sounds that no one has ever explored before so I don't really have anything close to our experiences to base it on

>>13111295
This is pretty good
You really nailed the characters and I could feel what they're thinking and how they're like without any narrative descriptions: Jason is awkward and a bit dull, Sydney is dreamy and has the oneitis aura(?
Just post it in a screenshot next time pls
Stick to the rules

>>13110758
maybe I was too harsh with my judgement
I read your work again
Overall it feels kinda choppy, some sentences are not paced right
first two passages need some reworking, sentence structure-wise
the third one actually stuck to me with some vivid imageries and felt that an introduction to the story
I'm unsure if it's because this is written as a prologue or some sort, do you have other parts that are not expository

bump

>>13111172
bump
more of the same story

>>13107935
Thank you very much for your reply; your comment is very helpful to me. It seems to be a common trend for me to let the 'authentic expression of my emotions' overrule what I write, which results in a product not tailored for an audience at all. Re-reading this does make me cringe too, boy oh boy.

I wrote this piece to relieve me of bad feelings I was holding for a particular person, and saw this thread and decided to post it to see what people would say.

I really need to focus, I think, on using these emotions as the initial fuel and then tailoring it more properly for an audience if I ever expect for any of my writing to be received well.

"Too on the nose" though - that's the phrase that will stick with me here. So thanks again, you've helped me a lot. I will refer to your post many times in the future.

>>13108556
You're right, I wasn't consistent with my use of the italicised text at all. I need to think more about readability for the end-user the next time I decide to put pen to paper.
The only reason I mentioned about being an Ausfag was literally just for the 'mating' lol. This piece is absolute scrap and wasn't really meant to be a serious investment of my time, I just wanted to see what people would say. I'm very happy though that there's a lot here for me to learn from, so thank you for contributing to that.

>>13109574
Thanks very much for the comment. Again it helps me a lot to hear this.

>>13109965
reads a little too much like actual quotes from an LSD trip you and a gf had. not a bad starting point but it could use some refinement

>>13108586
I like what you're going for but it's too jumbled and that'll make any shortcomings stand out for being awkward. I do like the vibe and you've got some good things going on, just reread it and keep the big words that add the most character and tone everything else down.

>>13111295
I like this a lot. it's a little corny but it reads splendidly

>>13111295
Made me smile at the end.

There was going to be a huge concert in Sozopol and the empty promises, coming from the tinny megaphones of the patrolling van, for something incredible and unique were irritatating to everyone within earshot. They are a big deal, says my daughter, we need to be there, stomping impatiently. Big deal, I reply with pessimism, I’ve been to such massive events before, but I can’t say no and she knows it. It’s nearby – Sozopol is only 5 kilometers away, she keeps going. Big deal, I reply, you know we’re going to have to find a place, get up, get ready, which means shaving, washing up, teeth, face, hair, get dressed, get there and that’s hard because we’ve been at rest for a long time. I don’t know the date but I’m not in a hurry to learn, dates are like links in the chain that binds us to the present. Camping has freed me from the present, I’ve crossed it out like a circle in a test; I live by a clock with a drained battery – when the sun starts blazing down on me I build up strength to move away. Time struggles to break through the peaceful hours. You get the meaning of ‘I eat when I eat, I sleep when I sleep’. You eat without thinking about anything. You chew and the wind gets in your mouth. You sleep. You get up when it becomes too hot… I’m in a constant hurry when I’m in the city because, I don’t know, we all are. I think, it’s some kind of disease, the kind that puppets suffer from when their puppeteer gets Parkinsons.

>>13112313
There was going to be a huge concert in Sozopol. Empty promises bellowed from the tinny megaphones of the patrolling van: spouting something both incredible and unique, while irritating everyone within earshot. They are a big deal, we need to be there, says my daughter, stomping impatiently. Big deal, I reply with pessimism. I’ve been to such massive events before, but I can’t say no and she knows it. It’s nearby – Sozopol is only 5 kilometers away, yet, she keeps going. Big deal, I reply, you know we’re still going to have to find a place, get up, get ready - which means shaving, washing up, teeth, face, hair, get dressed, get there and that’s hard because we’ve been at rest for a long time. I don’t know the date but I’m not in a hurry to learn; dates are like links in the chain that binds us to the present.

Camping has freed me from the present, I’ve crossed it out like a circle in a test; I live by a clock with a drained battery – when the sun starts blazing down on me I build up strength to move away. Time struggles to break through the peaceful hours. You get the meaning of ‘I eat when I eat, I sleep when I sleep’. You eat without thinking about anything. You chew and the wind gets in your mouth. You sleep. You get up when it becomes too hot… I’m in a constant hurry when I’m in the city because, I don’t know, we all are. I think, it’s some kind of disease, the kind that puppets suffer from when their puppeteer gets Parkinsons.

-------
Forgive me /lit/ daddy for I have sinned.
(This is also really hard to follow in general; it feels like a big ramble. I enjoy the detail you go into, and the overall scene you've set, however.)
Keep going.

>>13105578
posting a more interesting excerpt from my story, hopefully people will crit

(This is my first time on 4 Chan and I’m just shy of 3 minutes deep, I don’t know how to reference which post I’m responding to, or how this goes - heads up.) >13105578# . Strong start to the opening sentence, but it gets weak; there might be ways and words of describing “drug paraphernalia” and “cosmetics” that will open this up and give it more muscle and sinew. What kind of cosmetics? Are we talking derelict rows of cracked pastels in opaque plastic? Are we talking scattered balls of cotton sort of shredded and put off so long their forgotten, and more of them seem unused than dirtied but you[who is that btw] know when she clears the surface, it won’t matter, it’s all going to waste? Or are we talking organized and polished cases of unknown ways of masking and makings things beautiful, so clean, so obsessed, they shine the artificial light of the eco-friendly, lone lamp in the room? Is there a neat murder of joints, pre-rolled and suspicously even, equal, in shameless performance on shades of foundation not right for her? Or is there a meth pipe, sloppy, tucked behind thin tissues burnt to it? Get some of the story stuck on the reader, and use opportunities for discription to your advantage, let the language do its thing. It can be short, but, and this is the theme of critique I have for the rest of the sample, find ways to make concrete your abstractions. In your voice, in the way things hold you. The stories a way of sensing something tell. Also, I’m not a fan of the word totally. I think that’s where an edit could start. I got a little lost with the characters, thought tigress was a person. Not sure if that’s a problem that can be fixed and be better as a consequence. Kinda worked around by the end. the bones of something interesting are here no doubt. Left me feeling weary and curious, wanting to know what’s next, which is what I hope for from an audience. Keep writing.

>>13112743
I'm not reading that shit with garbage formatting
Read the rules
Only post in screenshots

>>13112748
Sorry, meant to reply to this guy
>>13112313
Your formatting's still shit btw

I wrote this half drunk rn. Couldn’t think of anything to write about but wanted to practice. This is what happened.
>

During my time in high school I found that I share a kindredness with both mass shooters and tyrannical despots. I am a quintessential American.

Most people would generally think of the idea as a bad thing. The truth is that for young men like myself to feel this way means there is indeed a shot at a brighter future for mankind. In times where hedonism is the end all, where hollow-heads whine their projected insecurities and weaknesses into the zeitgeist, young men such as myself are the ill paid, and unappreciated clean up crew awaiting our appointment to be made thereafter the shit hits the fan.

Men such as myself have lived through our formative years entirely overlooked. If we were paid any attention whatsoever we were scowled at and shamed. We went to our schools and jobs and watched as those with little to no value to share reached great heights undeserved and received praise for acclaims they had no part in, whilst we toiled away miserably out of view. The only real talent these people have is the ability to flap their tongues in the manner in which their fellow hollow-heads best recieve them, all while withstanding the stained taste of boot upon their annoyingly repetitive flapping organ. A mob, a horde, an entire ocean of people less clever than they start to parrot their tongue flapping and everything becomes dystopia. Only we see the doom and destruction. We are the others, the ones drowning in the great expanse of idiocy. We cry for a call to reason, we try our best to fix ourselves a lifeboat out of the the wreck their tsunami of twisted, self masturbatory rhetoric has caused, but they shove us with a ten foot pole into darker waters.

Now, many people who have had guilty thoughts of praise towards mass shooters and despots may not understand just where this feeling of taboo admiration comes from. I for the longest time couldn’t for the life of me articulate just what my feelings were when I was a bit younger attending high school. The feeling is seeing someone accomplish a feat that you have only ever dreamed of. The feeling is a lashing out against a system which stomps down on your throat and forces you to say thanks after the fact. It is an act of war. It is an act, plain and simple. It is retaliation.

As vague and non-specific this writing is this is why during my time in high school I found that I share a kindredness with both mass shooters and tyrannical despots. This is why I am a quintessential American.

>>13104727
I feel like less is more here. Your descriptions are good, but taxing to read. I found myself repeatedly jumping backwards in the text to remember your earlier points, which were (politely) unnecessary. It's like you have no faith in the reader to form their own depictions of the scenery. Creative though, its clear a lot of thought was put into your work!
>>13104019
Interesting and unique concept, the mechanical difficulty of what you're displaying is impressive, but intentionally dubious. If you're trying to create a sense of "Bigness" within your universe, it is working.
>>13104758
Try not to focus too much on proper nouns. Do you really need to know the Origin and coloring of the ritual knife? People who read books like to imagine things, and clutter is no different.
>>13105578
Fantastic dialogue, feels really genuine. People comfortable with each other talk like this. I did however feel a bit robbed of juicy dialogue as you wrapped the excerpt up. Actually scripting out the playful dialogue could be insightful to the reader.
***
I honestly don't know how good I am, and my criticisms are likely unsubstantiated or invalid. Would this paragraph work well as an opener? It discusses names, actions and setting enough to give the reader an idea of whats happening. Thanks, I'm still quite new to writing semi-seriously.

>>13112755
>>13112748
autism

>>13112788
>Read my roughly hewn, ill formatted garbage! >And you had better not complain about the format!

For to stand up to an immoveable force is the greatest thing a man can do,
For life is simply but a farce with nothing ever new

>>13112809
I see you trying to play around with the ol' word switcheroo, but you're failing.
>To stand, as a moveable object before a tremendous unstoppable force is the grand finality to man, and a testament to his stubbornness.
>Find here, imbued in the greater understanding, that farcical things as petty as life are unimportant.
There ya go.

>>13112871
That does not rhyme.

>>13112892
I misunderstood, assumed it to be mere coincidence. Post more? I could get a better sense from more than two lines.

>>13112896
Unfortunately it is 6:00AM and I must sleep. But I appreciate you taking the time to respond anon. I will think about the next two lines / preceding two lines

>>13112903
Fair. Good luck on your writings, Anon!

>>13112791
dont read it if you don't want to??

>>13112939
Don't worry. I didn't, nor couldn't have bothered to.

>>13112743
Reply by putting two meme arrows in a row and then the number of the post.

>>13112782
As far as the prose goes, it's trying too hard to shock and offend so it comes off as affected rather than effective.

For example:
>During my time in high school I found that I share a kindredness with both mass shooters and tyrannical despots. I am a quintessential American.
Kindredness is the wrong word. Makes this sentence sound a lot more pretentious than it is.
Try instead: "When I was at high school the most important thing that I learned was that I sympathised more with the mass shooters than their victims."
It doesn't have the exact same meaning and of course your taste may vary, but because the content is shocking the prose is simple. You sound more like a person talking genuinely about their experiences than someone trying to be impressive.

>Most people would generally think of the idea as a bad thing. The truth is that for young men like myself to feel this way means there is indeed a shot at a brighter future for mankind.
"I don't think that's a bad thing. Most people disagree."
Cleaning off the flowers makes it more impactful. You are straight up saying: I sympathise with school shooters and I'm not sorry. It's immediately clear, and if the intent is to be shocking then that's what you're after. Save the longwindedness for when you're exploring the statements. When you're stating your ideas, be brief and precise.

I struggled to rewrite the rest because there's not really any content there. It's just various ways of rephrasing "society is degenerate and bullets are the cure." It feels to me like you didn't really have a point to make. You didn't sit down and ask yourself what you wanted to say, and so you said very little in a lot of space.

So my advice to you is to work on clarity and precision. Say what you mean as plainly as you can. Keep the rhetorical flourishes down to where they have the most effect - or for when you've thought of a really good one.

>I wrote this half drunk rn
I find it somewhat disrespectful that you would subject us to work that you know is not good.

>>13112743
lurk moar

>>13112553
Not a huge fan of the style, but even bearing that in mind I think it could be executed better.

The description is a bit exhausting. For example:

>Leia's room. Red, everywhere. Doused in crimson: crimson carpet, crimson blankets etc. etc.
Cut the "Red, everywhere." You've got that covered with "Doused in crimson: etc. etc."
There's something to be said for the redundancy adding emphasis or painting a better picture, but the description is too long and so something has to go and the first place to start looking for cuts would be redundancies. I also think that the style you've gone for goes better with a 'less is more' approach anyway.

>Leia's room. Doused in crimson: crimson carpet, crimson blankets on her bed, and a crimson hutch where lay her rouge, and her cherry cosmetics. Crimson spots, too, on the white fluff of silk next to her lipstick that cushioned her needle and the heroin vials. Dried spots, though. Not fresh. There was a mirror in the hutch which faced the door; Naomi's reflection struck her hard enough to banish the cello and the Tigress from her mind. The black turtleneck she had chosen traced her figure just so. For all that it covered her completely, it concealed very little. *** When she clasped her hands behind her back and jut out her chest in the way that she had seen the other girls do - so that the swell of her breasts distended her silhouette - she could almost hear the distant click of some boudoir photographer's camera.

>"Oh Tigress," Leia said etc.
I myself am not totally happy with the description rewrite I just did - I think at the place where I put *** you'd probably need to insert a sentence or two of her reacting to her reflection and being so entranced by how she looks that she decides to pose. I tried to focus the description of Naomi on those things that are relevant to the scene. Specifying her bobbed hair and suchlike seems overly specific and when you start being overly specific when describing girls people get creep vibes.

I cut the part about Adolph because I'd rather show her desire but reluctance to take those shots and give them too him in some other, more subtle way. If it's a throwaway line I'd get rid of it, and if it's an important one I'd try and show it rather than tell it like you did. It also lets us cut even more out of the paragraph to make it shorter.

I cut the part about her smiling because I think that the fact that I included that she chose the black turtleneck and the fact that she posed the way she did demonstrates sufficiently that this is the look that she intends to go for and that she's pleased with the results. I think with additional context it would be even more clear for the reader, but you can add it back in if you want to.

The dialogue is fine but the prose between could be pared down a touch. E.g.
>and let out a meow which was totally incongruous
becomes
>and let out a meow totally incongruous

>>13113760
And now for my own writing.

This is from a fapfic I'm writing and is setting up the character of the protagonist, who learns to be less of a cunt through the power of love and gay sex.

My goals with this writing were to give him voice and give the reader insight into his motivations and conflict. My main concern is that it might be an exhausting exposition dump that comes across as whiny instead of entertaining and interesting.

I'm fairly confident in the prose but I'm interested in people's read on the characterisation and whether the writing maintained "momentum" (i.e. didn't feel exhausting or bogged down).

>>13113806
Herp, wrong excerpt.

For those who saw both they're basically identical except for a handful of sentences.

>>13113816
I think it's really good
if you went through and read it aloud and tightened up some of the more jumbled flourishes- four example, I'd shorten "malformed adolescent fuckups" to "malcontents" or something shorter
aside from that pedantry I really got a feel for the character- but I'd refine the way you address people of other races unless you want the character to sound a little iffy around ethinc minorities

>>13112956
you seemed worried about something, not me, friend

She was naked from head to toe and her skin was pale blue as if touched by the sky. Between her legs a tapered smooth tail swished at low attitude, knocking between her knees and coiling and uncoiling against them with frenzy. The pink buds of her breasts swayed with her breaths and dizzied [him] as he followed them. That same color of pastel sunsets was painted across her cheeks and flirted at her neck. A pink tide that alternatively receded and advanced with every chest-filling breath. Intelligent golden eyes scanned him from beneath her brow and he saw a transparent double eyelid flit across them as she lunged forward and thrust her feet between his.

Ducking his stiff-arm she circled to his back quicker than he could follow and secured him at the waist. Vertigo tore through him as she yanked him off his feet with terrific strength, her soft arms turning momentarily to steel cords as they flexed against his belly. He found himself on the ground beneath her. In double vision he saw droplets of warm blood fall from his forehead and smack against the soil. Below he felt her tail dancing against their tangled legs like a writhing serpent. Her hands were spread on his back and she rutted pointlessly against him with dramatic imitation thrusts. Her hips rose on his back and two rose gold eyes appeared in his periphereal vision, dyed by the pulse of blood issuing into his own.

He shrugged her off and she cooperatively twisted beneath him to offer up her back. [His] breath hitched as she thrust her bottom into his groin and flared her hips, insistently grinding herself against him. Her tail circuited his leg. When he crushed her into the soil he felt it vibrate against his thigh.

>>13114149
The [he] [his] [him] are placeholders for the character's name
I don't know if I should bother using the name more than once. On one hand there's no ambiguity here since there's only one male character in the passage, so maybe once is good enough. But on the other hand it is a very pronoun-dense excerpt and using his name a few times feels like a necessary measure to break up the "he/his/him" monotony (hers is unknown to the POV or I would use it too)

>>13113760
thanks for the in depth feedback, anon. I really appreciate that

>>13105506
cool>>13105858
cool
>>13106242 cool

title: pizza puzzle
there's a pizza
it's a puzzle

>>13111172
1st paragraph:
-"bones would not react." I'd change that to muscles.
-"Life would slip away from his as it did from all small men." Good line, I like it. With that being said:

2nd paragraph:
-"brought the small man instantly to life." I would change 'the small man' to 'him' until you introduce the big man.
-"A big man." I would change to "A man. A big man."
-"Towering height." ...this doesn't sit well. Perhaps "of towering height and with..."
-"Eyed at" change to "eyed"
-"both run ragged, the big man..." would change to "both run ragged - the big man" especially since you end that clause with a dash too. Similarly,
-"exhausted - he could only assume..." You should begin a new sentence with "He could only assume […] the same exhaustion: the never-ending pursuit of flesh."

-'"Hey." said the small man.' I would change the period to a common inside the quotes.
-"something the other one had and kill them for it..." Should be "...something the other one had and would kill *him* for it eventually."

The rest is good. One overall observation: you overuse hyphens. Be more selective with them to bridge related clauses. Sometimes a hyphen is the right choice, sometimes its a colon or semicolon, sometimes it's a period and a second sentence, sometimes it's a comma. Overall, good job though.

>>13114559
fuck anon thank you so much this is great advice

>>13112043
1st paragraph:
-"going back the endless chase" should be "going back *to* the endless chase."
-"even when resting, no man..." the last clause should be a stand-alone sentence. "No man or animal could destroy him."
-"He ripped a fistful..." sentence needs two minor corrections: "He ripped a fistful of *maggot-ridden* organ meat *from deep* within the foul mound and shove it in his mouth." That is a great and revolting sentence btw.

2nd paragraph:
-"walked forward entranced by..." I would change to: "walked forward, entranced by..."
-Point of order regarding this whole paragraph: why is the man 'amazed' and 'entranced' by a 'rather predictable display'? Am I missing something here about the significance of a small man futilely chasing a deer?

4th paragraph:
-"in his grasp he was empty." Would change to, "in his grasp, he was empty." Actually, it's not essential for grammar, but I would write the whole sentence as such: "He felt the same hunger and fear of pain as every other man, but, even when he attained his goal and felt the flesh in his grasp, he was empty."
-"to tell what, he could only..." Would change to
"what. He could only..."
-"mid flight" to "mid-flight" or "mid-chase" if you don't want to conjure the image of a modern airline flight. Or is he referring to an actual flight in the sky? Because I thought this was in an ancient past or desolate future.
-Final sentence should read as: "He did not know any person like this, but the idea that such a thing was possible made him stay up through the night, losing himself in the visual barrage of the stars and moons and planets."

>>13114612
You're welcome. Keep writing!

someone post some poetry

>>13115564
Okay but be warned, it's the first and only poem I've ever written:

It's said a sea of countless minds
Could not, in sum, conceive its kind
Outside the reach of what is thought
It simmers black, curves its spine, ripples hot
Talons on ink cloth

Enormity is in that known,
And can't extend beyond that zone
Know this, such leaps can't be made
One turns back, loses line, stays the glade
It gapes a deathsilk head
Sway in the cradle

Not "up there"
Not "out"
Not "far enough that way"
Not a pointed finger
Not a chart
Not a word
Barn mice know this of the snake
And they do not speak

>>13115587
Eh, It's a bit meh, but kind of impressive considering it's your first.
>It simmers black, curves its spine, ripples hot
>Talons on ink cloth¨
this reads a bit awkwardly, i see what you're going for, but it doesn't really work.
Your rhythm is a bit of a mess, it doesn't flow that well, and the second stanza's rhythm feels really weird and unfinished with the mix of rhyme, no rhyme and slant rhymes.
I see what you're going for with the last stanza, but it leaves me unaffected, i don't dislike it, but i don't particularly like it either.
And i'm a bit biased, because i absolutely adore the sea as symbol.
Also, the doublet comparing it to mice is decent, i like when people do that.

>>13115636
I agree on pretty much every point, I wanted the fifth line to feel more jarring by breaking the rhyme and rhythm but I think I should stick to my structures and practice getting them right before I go crazy playing with them

>>13114559
>>13114637

>this much effort

That other anon should honestly suck your cock (or at least give you the ol' lickaroo).

https://pastebin.com/8zacN4PC

Intro for a short story I'm working on, feedback appreciated, crit mine ill crit yours.

>>13115664
Just keep practising and you'll get a good ear for when you can pull it off.

So, I've written what I want to say, and I'm still unsatisfied with it, yet at least the content is there. Is there really nothing left to do except to go word by word and see if I can improve it, going to the next word when I've improved as much as I can, and then when I've gone through the whole work, and am I still unsatisfied with it, I repeat the process again, and when I've done this as many times as I can manage, yet still find the work unsatisfactory, do I start over? Is that the creative process? Because it seems torturous and sometimes hardly worth the effort. I'm just wondering whether there is something wrong in this method that occurs to me, because this does not seem remotely pleasant.

>>13115732
This can't just happen on a word-by-word basis, you also need to go phrase by phrase, sentence by sentence, paragraph by paragraph, etc.
Temporarily let go of an idea when you've exhausted everything you can think of to do to it. Come back to it a few days or weeks later with a fresh mindset and try again
Permanently drop an idea when you identify something integral to the concept itself that doesn't work or you know you can't/don't want to work around.

>>13115685
>The raindrops rolled down the window in a mesmerizing fashion, captivating me.
It's redundant.

>green doors juxtaposed by red bricks
This isn't the right use of "juxtaposed" really. You could say "flanked by red bricks" or "framed by red bricks" or "surrounded by red bricks", but the red bricks aren't replacing the door.

>and the sky colored of static
You already said it was gray and I got the idea, and also isn't this kind of the first sentence of Neuromancer?

>The smell of various grilled fishes filled the restaurant as I have entered a state of melancholy,
There is a tense swap here that doesn't make sense

>their words muted and inaccessible.
Redundant

>Swiftly my attention to the intricacies of rain was diverted as the waitress has arrived with a mountainous amount of food.

There's a tense switch again. You should choose past or present tense for a story and not switch between them. I guess technically you can swap permanently from past to present tense once during a story (as the narration catches up to the present,) or more times if your story has time travel or flashbacks, but that doesn't apply here.


I liked the part where the guy drowned himself with the rain, pretty spooky

>>13106242
I commend such expenditure on a piece, whom's subject matter, I find at-least, to be so inherently comedic. Produced quite a few chuckles.

>>13106242
Probably the best writing ever produced here. However, a modern Rape of the Lock, it is not, and seems more like a doggerel than a fine satire, much less a proper adaption of the 18th-century to such a modern subject.

>>13115759
> you also need to go phrase by phrase, sentence by sentence, paragraph by paragraph, etc.
Well, that's what I meant. In this case, however, it's just a sentence.
>Come back to it a few days or weeks later with a fresh mindset and try again
"nonumque prematur in annum membranis intus positis"
Also, undeniably good counsel. However, less feasible when one is impatient, or a more immediate response is necessary.
>something integral to the concept itself that doesn't work or you know you can't/don't want to work around.
This may ultimately be necessary, but to be reduced to this experience is allowing the sounds to dictate the sense, which, to a writer whose first aim is instruction and only secondarily eloquence, this might be considered an unacceptable sacrifice.

>>13115770
Thank you anon really appreciate the feedback

As for the redundant sentences I could have been unnecessarily verbose but why should I not make the descriptions more vivid? Genuinely wondering.

>>13116043
There is no vividness added in restating the exact same thing and not adding any additional information.

Updated version! I think I figured that scene I was having trouble with out. If anyone who isn't me could say how much sense it makes or how obvious it is what's going on with the characters, it'd really help me out.

https://pastebin.com/cFuS69Tj

>>13114149
Sounds like something from an alternate universe's M-rated Stat Trek.

>>13116073
I see, appreciate it.

Here's mine. It's a superconceptual prose poem.
Not looking for critique, just showing off.

"Ladies and gentlemen,
I hope you will all join me in welcoming,
with great applause,
Donald J. Jonah Jameson Trump,
grand secretary of the Communist Party of the
People's Republic of the United States of America,
and president of the
Union of the Unions of the socialist Countries of the Americas.
Now I will clap.
Clap clap clap clap clap.
Thank you."

>>13116611
You're funny. You're the funniest guy I've ever seen

>>13114149
A good foundation but needs some polish. For example
>She was naked from head to toe and her skin was pale blue as if touched by the sky
This captures the imagery that you want to use, but it's not the most elegant way of expressing it (in my opinion). Once you know what you're trying to say it's worth going back over carefully to make sure that you're saying it in the best possible way. What you think is the best possible way is up to you - I like things to be succinct and plain, but you might prefer something with more imagery than me. Either way, this sentence is at a crossroads. It's like a foundation on which you build the actual finished writing.
For example, a more plain way of writing it might be:
>She was naked from head to toe, her skin a pale sky blue.
but if you want more imagery you could write:
>She was naked from head to toe. Her skin was a frigid pale blue, the colour of a cloudless winter sky, and her eyes were as sharp as the biting frost and the colour of a cold sun.
or something. As you can see I'm not very good at imagery and you might be able to think of a better image or one more suitable to the character. I think that either of these sentences is preferable (depending on your tastes) because if you want to be plain and succinct the former is plainer and succincter, whereas if you want to be flowery the latter takes the imagery further and in a more interesting direction - and, most importantly, uses the imagery to characterise the character. By comparing her to a winter sky instead of just the sky, we reveal that she is a cold, hard person. But like I said, I'm not good with imagery and tend to write in cliches.

>Between her legs a tapered smooth tail swished at low attitude, knocking between her knees and coiling and uncoiling against them with frenzy.
Again, it could either be
>Her tail curled back between her knees, coiling and uncoiling rhythmically in a fashion [he] guessed betrayed anxiety.
or
>Her tail was smooth and tapered, and it curled back between her knees. It coiled and uncoiled rhythmically, like that of an agitated cat anticipating dinner, as she watched him.
and so on.

I can rewrite the whole thing if you want to tell me what style you're aiming for to give you a better example of what I mean, but in broad strokes my point is that you've done a good job getting down both the actions and your initial associations of images and so on. What you need to do now is to go over it with fine sandpaper to express it in its best possible form based on your goals.

>>13104019
Personally, I would like each paragraph to be shorter. You would accomplish the same goal while having the luxury of only using the best and most lyrical parts of this. At the same time, it would he more digestible since repitition makes for boredom. Otherwise, I'm amazed at this. It's nothing like I ever could have written in uni, and I'm happy you undertook the effort because it's a refreshing level of talent I haven't seen on /lit/ in a while.

Test

>>13117654
Reads like third-rate Wellbeck
Write about something we don't know

>>13104727
I really like how your world-building anon. Sometimes your sentences are kinda long, but overall i would see myself reading something like this.

Not very good

>>13117715
many things really out of place here and I can't put my finger on it.
It feels clunky with a lot of unnecessary wording
I don't really get what you're trying to say here, a lot of descriptions and actions that lead to nowhere
sentence structure also needs reworking
The sentences within parentheses feel kinda extraneous
Trim your adverbs would help a bit
'strongly wash my face'
If I were you I would use other verbs like 'rub' or 'wipe'
the pigeons having a stronger bond to your car sentence was nice and slick, keep it
also 'started' not 'sarted'

flagellating a dead thread

>>13119561
Consider doing so by posting feedback instead of bumps.

>>13119576
I posted like 5 to 6 tho
waiting for more to post their works but thread keeps dying
also posted mine here >13106076 and >>13108586

>>13119596
>I posted like 5 to 6 tho
My apologies.

I'm not really sure what I had in mind when I wrote this. You might not understand it if you have never played league of legends.

I don't know why I wrote this. PLEASE someone tell me there's something here, or that I'm garbage.

>>13119713
>semicolon

cringe

>>13119730
not that guy but what's wrong with semicolons

>>13119750
The semicolon should be renamed to

>The Purposeless Punctuation of Pomp; Pretentiousness; and Perniciously Pseudointellectual Purple Prose

There is no reason to ever use it. The purpose of punctuation is to remove ambiguity in an ambiguous situation. There is no ambiguity subtracted by a semicolon that would not be better removed by a comma without including this unicorn mark on the page that breaks your suspension of disbelief, makes you remember you're reading a book and that the author is so up his own ass as to use a semicolon.

Punctuation in general is literary instruction. It adds no information to the actual story. Its only purpose is to compensate for your badly-formed sentences that would not make sense without giving the reader instructions on how to read it (in the form of punctuation.) This is unavoidable to some extent in English, but you absolutely should minimize it, and in your "power paragraphs" you should try your best to erase it. You should write as if it causes you physical pain whenever you have to use punctuation, not as if using ridiculous unicorn punctuation makes you smarter.

>>13119789
You're right, actually. But I never used semicolons to show off or create ambiguity and I do still think they do something over commas ( at least for me). To me they sorta box the following line in and are more "wall-like". If I thought this was good I'd end up using one.

>>13119789
I like semicolons; they let me stress relationships between ideas.

>>13119789
You yourself didn’t use it correctly so maybe you can take a breather on telling others how to write

>>13119948
Yeah I did. You can shit out a semicolon anywhere a comma goes. In fact, that's what semicolon pseuds do.

>>13119896
this

>tl;dr
this

>>13119955
but thats wrong though; the ideas a semicolon separates can stand alone.

>>13119955
Your opinions are much stronger than your grasp of the language you’re so concerned. Perhaps you should try to think more about tonality and rhythm in writing; taking the time to do so might let you see what makes punctuation so useful.

>>13119980
Post some of your writing

>>13119989
Go back to /fit/ retard.

>>13119989
Already did, twice
>>13116081
>>13104019

>>13120003
>https://pastebin.com/cFuS69Tj

it's like a child's fanfiction written with an air of adult insecurity and fear

>>13120008
I have to say, I am shocked, absolutely shocked, that you would respond like this.
And after reading that whole thing in just two short minutes! You must be far quicker than I gave you credit for, my friend

>>13119955
Hahahaha . You're both using them incorrectly. You use a semicolon to replace a PERIOD in-between two statements if you want to leave a bit more connective tissue between em (I pulled my cock out of my pants; the piss came out bright yellow.) or if you're listing elements that are already broken up by commas (I have a penis, out of which the piss comes bright yellow; an asshole, stinky and rust-brown; and a hairy, hairy taint.)

>>13119955
>>13119789
You’ve embarrassed yourself and should leave

>>13120052
Ouch yikes samefaggies

>>13119789
I thought semicolon was to connect two closely related independent clauses together. You’re not suppose to use a comma in this case.

>>13120053
I’m not asking twice

>>13120053
>>13120052
>>13120035
>>13120016
>>13120008
>>13120003
>>13119994
>>13119989
>>13119980
>>13119959
>>13119957
>>13119955
>>13119948
>>13119896
>>13119849
>>13119789
Thanks for bumping the thread to the front page anons
now fuck off
this is /crit/ go make your own thread

semipseuds btfo

>>13120101
He whimpers, as everyone else unanimously agrees that he’s a retard who got his shit pushed in

>>13120098
What are you so upset about?

>>13120008
you should tell him what he should change

>>13116611
Here is another one. Also does anyone feel that these threads have started to slow down with those bullshit /write/ threads?

As Chevelles is preparing to walk up the stairs, he sees a woman at
the top. He pulls out his Mauser Construktion 96 Broomhandle and
shoots her 10 times, two times in the legs, six in the chest, one in
the neck, and one in the head. She dies almost instantly, her body
flopping to the bottom of the stairs, between Chevelles's legs. He
kicks her in the head.
"Gon' think twice befo' ya' startle me again, bitch," he says, in a
thick french accent.

god damn, /lit/
bump

a man at times may figure solitude
a flying spear, crystalline and quick,
sent blazing through his skull, whose attitude
insists "a life of love and fruit is sick."
"a man's content? starlight and flowing wine;
be intimate with each soft glint of night,
and of women? a black, metallic vine,
restricting men to baths, and hairs of white!"
so why then, is to let her fill my mind,
to let trim morning fill a poplar grove,
to taste her wit, her laughter's cooling bind,
to waft of jasmine in a witch alcove,
and still more easing, our ending log;
repose two, as if in a rosy fog.

>>13117654
faggot.
>>13114149
This is good. Reminds me of avatar. But like>>13117114 said it needs sharpening. It lost me at a few points.
>>13113816
Insight into the mind of a 120-iq edgelord. I liked it, and the writing is concise at the right times and is crisp, but I wouldn't agree that it was worthwhile writing down.
>>13112785
Awkward. Several of these don't need dialogue tags at all. Can't tell if it's serious or parody.
>>13112553
>>13105578
>and heard her tone bleed such false indifference
>playful swordfight of a conversation
>like the walls of the lounge and the blood of dying children
You're trying too hard to write something "interesting".

Enduring/enjoying ratios and business hikikomoris existed.
Mom’s depressed, Chicago friend was on statins with a cholesterol of 140.
We didn’t know where our livers, kidneys, spleens, or appendixes were.
Insert sentences to make me feel awe and wonder.
Collapse another year into novel.
You have become so mature and knowledgeable
Gabbling disjunctively about nutrition and diabetes
Mind muddled by emotional frustration.
She said if she hadn’t bought an apartment in Shanghai
A decade earlier, we’d have no money.
Dreams exercised far vision
So I existed in a world of stilts.
Breathing 2015 air, listening to Sonata 2
Using memory strategically, knowing it’s inaccurate.
Choosing what to remember.
Scrubbing it with my dirty novel.

anon here>>13108586
just wrote something else
something's off here and I can't quite put my finger on it

>>13123800
beginning a sentence with an adverb feels clunky to me.

There's some rhymey stuff going on that i'm not sure is intentional, see: 'store' 'explore' 'for' 'anymore' all in very close proximity to one another, iunno feels weird to me.

Last sentence seems to get overly wordy out of nowhere.

>>13123800
Quick note: this passage reads like it's meant to be serious, a reflection on some kind of serious state of affairs. Starting off a serious passage with a silly word like "squeeky" creates and awkward dissonant effect. Use a different word to describe the chair

>>13123023
one of the best pieces of lit i've ever seen posted in /critique/

>>13117654
Yikes

He comes into the shop every morning, early. Likes it that way. Not like he could be doing anything better -- sleeping, namely. No. Lately it was maybe an hour or two a night -- max -- and that was in the early evening, before the night-chill and any sense of finitude had crept in between the window-slats, when the breeze was low and in the sky over barren hills there blazed bruised-violet synthetic shades. But right now it’s dark.
The office is in a warehouse district. Out of the way he calls it (bores himself a step closer to self-annihilation everytime he does.) Outside giant halogens click on, bay doors roll open. Men stand around idling trucks smoking. He pats himself down for his pack.
The month’s last lonely sliver of moon is already starting to disappear, a fading ghost-image of itself. Soon more light, floating particles -- like dust in the wind, he thinks, half-inspired by the tune on the radio buzzing beside him -- will drift in, boring-out the corner-shadows, slowly filling the place with that empty desert glow he knows much, too, well. But for now to sit, in the dark, to smoke, and to drink. Talking to (and not feeling too sorry for) himself: recreation fit for an old fuck like me.
Glug glug glug. Into the coffee, cold, yesterday’s. Locates cig pack, pulls two out to be smoked consecutively. Kicks back, cracks open the paper, again yesterday’s, unread. The world-weary ex-detective. Yes he knows he’s a walking cliche.
What the fuck. “BACKWATER P.D.’S HEAD HONCHO SAYS HE ‘HONESTLY’ DIDN’T DO IT”. First thought: these fuckers’re making me turn to page twenty-four to see what the guy did? But turn he does, and wow, there it is, the crime, in-fact everyone’s favourite, and truest form of suburban depravity: child murder.
Sick fucking stuff. All the trappings of a story that could spring on the public imagination, really turn into something special, prime-time NBC fare -- elements of kidnapping, peadophilia, human trafficking, suggestions of cultism, even ritual sacrifice. On the even-more-extreme end of things there are rumors that the case only amounts to a single thread in a tapestry of global proportion, is part of some conspiracy much more grandiose, with certain sources going so far as to suggest cross-dimensional collusion between local politicians and malevolent forces existing far beyond the grasp of human spatio-rational comprehension.
Huh -- interest piqued. After all, he should be even more interested than most: the guy had been his boss for ten -- long -- fucking years. And after taking a few minutes, eyes adjusting amongst glints of this new luminous curiosity, his next thought, about mister Chief-of-Police, or ex-Chief, is good riddance. World-class asshole he is. Name of Bruce Disney. Irish-boy to the bone, complete with mashed-potato brains and shriveled cock. Boston transplant, they say, though he’s been here awhile, going farther back than our hero can presently remember.

>>13124292
last little bit:

Maybe this is what he needs -- to be uprooted and shipped transcontinental. Reverse skip across middle America, an anti-Disney -- fuck, he hopes that’s what he is -- drifting through Utah, Kansas, going against westward currents, toward lands of cold and fog instead of heat and smog. But no. Too late for that now, he thinks, it’s unnatural, I would die, it would kill me, I would die.
But Disney, in conclusion: a dick, small and no-longer -- unlike our officially-licenced hero -- private. Nope. Appears it’s all out in the open, shit-stained linen and such.
But of course, this is Backwater, and it really isn’t, and it never really is.

>>13124237
I don't like the style, personally, but those are good descriptions, both interesting and original. Definitely a cut above most of the stuff you see in these threads.

You're lain, mantle of moon's waning weave
Your writhe upon the silks, the curtains, palms hath reaved
Ivory asunder, strew the dim of our reprieve
Stow upon the gelid gale, in course aloft the azure sill
Pale flesh in stilly ring, as your starveling vessel, lie in reel

Be gentle, It's my first time (posting work of mine on the Chans)


Mein kritik, to whom it may concern
>>13115810

>>13124307
Thanks anon, it is a piece of a short story that I did.
Since I have it on paper is a fucking mess so i gotta make some sense of it

>>13124307
Bump