[ 3 / biz / cgl / ck / diy / fa / ic / jp / lit / sci / vr / vt ] [ index / top / reports ] [ become a patron ] [ status ]
2023-11: Warosu is now out of extended maintenance.

/lit/ - Literature

View post   
File: 14 KB, 311x398, 1553031637245.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
12825619 No.12825619 [Reply] [Original]

How does the opening paragraph to my book sound?

"The horseless carriage journeyed heedlessly through the vast woodland; traveling at such a pace that the narrow trail before it resembled a hazy river twisting effortlessly through the ash trees. Donnie had the wheel clutched tight in both hands, but he was not driving, something or someone else was driving the carriage; he only held on to stop himself from tumbling overboard."

>> No.12826799

why do i give a shit how heedless. too many adjectives. two semicolons and you use them both wrong. that shouldn't be a comma. someone or something is cliche. had clutched. journeyed is gay. the road speed metaphor is confusing. why do you niggers make everything vast. how the fuck is there a road smooth enough for a "horseless carriage" traveling that fast to go through a forest when its still called a horseless carriage.

The horseless carriage bolted through the forest, road slipping beneath it like a river twisting effortlessly between the flashes of ash trees. Donnie clutched the wheel tight in both hands only to stop himself from tumbling overboard, the true pilot unseen.

>> No.12827068

didnt read a single word itt, infact i almsot didnt even post this
(you)

>> No.12827930

>>12825619
first sentence is too long
fifth word is an adverb
if you want keep the first sentence put something else in front of it. one of the driver's thoughts.
for example.
Fuck this, thought Donnie.
The horseless carriage etc etc

>> No.12828119
File: 138 KB, 380x572, `` mfw1448334350956.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
12828119

>>12825619
>member