/lit/ - Literature

>Three different sentences begin with "Against," "Amid," and "As" which serve the same purposes as introductory words.
Yikes. Worse than a first person narration that starts every sentence with "I."

>>12438755
I probably should've said "pic unrelated" as I didn't write this. This was posted in a critique thread forever ago and I thought it was too good not to save.

>>12438739
For now, I am happy. I worked hard and deserve this.

>tfw no gf

Are women even worth it any more

How do I decide what to do after college if years of suicidal depression have beaten every hope and dream out of my body? I have no drive, no motivation to achieve anything. Some degree of comfort is all I much value anymore. I have some hobbies but I'm not dedicated to them to a degree that would give my life some structure or direction (ie, "I want to be a novelist so I will focus on writing", "I want to be really fucking strong so I'll dedicate myself to lifting", etc). I have no friends or gf or anything like that. University is the only thing providing me with any kind of structure and I'm scared about losing it. I'd rather not become a neet, at least not without trying to live first.

Should I just try to get a decent job and give living a go? I've already tried foreign travel which did help a lot with finally lifting myself out of depression (I mean I'm still melancholy and lonely but I don't think about killing myself all the time anymore) but it didn't exactly inspire a new sort of outlook or anything.

Today I waited too long before masturbating. It felt uncomfortable to go for a piss and have a dribble of pre-cum come out of my flaccid penis.

I'm hungry now.

Perhaps im an NPC. Masturbation and food are on my mind way too often to be healthy. Is considering ones status as an NPC a sign that im not an NPC or just a sign that im an above average intelligence NPC.

At least OPs picture gave me a small chuckle.

>Yes, they saw me; they punished me. It was another, their father, who drank the gall and the vinegar; it was not I. They struck me with the reed; it was another, Simon, who bore the cross on his shoulder. I was another upon Whom they placed the crown of thorns. But I was rejoicing in the height over all the wealth of the archons and the offspring of their error, of their empty glory. And I was laughing at their ignorance.

The "it was not I" is very important. It is naive to assume the principle of non-Duality merely as a mutually passive reflection. Should one project himself onto another in bad faith, the other should not likewise reflect IN bad faith but reflect THE bad faith. In "death" one shows the other's evil not by merely reflecting it but by reflecting both one's Self and the other's accusing him, his rejection of the initial accusation, as per the principle, as well as his rejection of their mutual reflection, thus "dying", which the other rejects, as per the principle, letting him "die". The second Heh, as it were.

Started writing a new novel. Usually I do a ton of research and plotting beforehand. This one I just have a vague mental outline, and I'm letting it come organically as it may. Just finished the first chapter (4k words.) It's not even bad, and I'm having fun for the first time in a long time.

The tinder-bait thread on this board has been up for days and is nearing 300 posts, we have the worst fucking jannies

way

so many things had to be in such an exact precise way for anything to be the way it is.

I am gay. I only like men. But I still kind of wish I had a hot girlfriend to show off to everybody. I don't want to do anything sexual with her, just want the positive attention.

I downgraded my smart phone to a burner phone a week ago and honestly I haven't looked back once. I find myself feeling somewhat more liberated and in the moment when out and about. When I had a smartphone and I looked at my phone even just to check time I would automatically load up the Facebook messages and definitely trigger a disappointed response in my brain, now that option isn't there and its great. I certainly feel less anxious too in social environments. I would recommend anons, keep the internet to your home time - you were fine without it before smartphones came in.

>>12439779
>an addict feels good about himself for having no self control at all and needing mommy to take his toy away from him so he doesn't browse /gif/ on the bus and get arrested

>>12439822
>implying any of us has that self control

>>12439847
I do. I'm not saying that I'm better than you or anything, but yeah.

>>12439668
That's a long chapter

>>12439889
It's like, six pages. 4k words 23k characters. It's probably just dense, there isn't a ton of dialogue. Maybe fifteen spoken lines.
Typical novel is 100k words, maybe.

>>12440054
I thought 60k or 70k was typical novel length, might be wrong though

>>12439779
I have never owned a smartphone, the problem is that I'm a fucking shutin so I'm always on my PC anyway

My sex drive seems to have decreased to the point where I mostly jerk off out of boredom than desire

>>12440167
Well don't do that. Masturbate when you actually have the urge.

>>12440176
I am, but habits take time to break. I've started keeping a book on my desk at all times so hopefully I'll reach for that instead of mindlessly browsing or jerking off.

>>12438739
I'm looking for someone to circle the drain with me.

>>12440187
It's a comfy feeling

>>12440183
What if somebody jerked you off while you were reading, would that count?

I planted some seeds today. Like literal seeds, in soil, in plant pots. Not some metaphor for making good decisions or whatever.

I'm a bit worried about them desu, my heater is acting up and my room sometimes gets pretty cold. Hope they make it.

>>12439727
that sentence would still be true regardless of how each of those things changed

they can't see us without the resonator
that's why i gotta destroy it
THE R-RESONATOR

>>12439327
Renounce the flesh and stop masturbating.

Everytime I swipe over to the stories tab in snapchat to see what my more successful high school friends are up to and I see the inane "promoted" content I get one step closer to just giving up and taking the monkpill.

Is it a limit-experience to jerk off to extreme fetish porn only to hate yourself immediately after you cum? Does this please the Batatille?

>>12440360
It's probably not very good for your mental health to start associating sex with shame and self-resentment.

I can't write what's on my mind when nothing is on my mind - and that's the problem.
Much like writers, software engineers suffer from writer's block, and this particular bout has bothered me for several days now.
Not a single line of code in almost a week. Deadlines encroach but I feel nothing. Not fear or anxiety, not impatience or concern.
I sat and watched a blinking cursor for over two hours today and not a single thought crossed my mind.

Is 80 k words enough for a novel?
if not I will add fat to my meat in the story.

my 8ball says she won't contact me tomorrow either

>>12440477
When this happens to me I like to put an electronic music album and just force myself to work until it's over.

>>12440557
Best to stop obsessing over it anon, believe me it's not good for you

>>12440480
I heard the recommended minimum was 90k, but that could just be me misremembering.
>>12439668
Update: finished writing the second chapter. Up to 7k words now, and the draft is clean so far. Only needed to include one placeholder for something I will decide the specifics on later.
This is fun.

Is William S. Burroughs worth reading? Been debating reading The Naked Lunch for some time and just a minute ago realised the irony of pondering when I could have read the entire thing by now.

>>12440732
Just read it and if you don't like it stop

>>12438739
>Fight Club is playing on the TV as I speak
Is there a way to just smap out of negative thoughts and feelings? Just man up and be normal? Or I am just in denial about having some sort of depression?

>>12440758
I've heard people having success with psychedelics, shrooms in particular though. A better approach though, as much of a meme as it sounds, is to work on cultivating a positive mindset. Don't aim to cease being sad, aim to be a little less sad than you were yesterday.

>>12440771
I have a friend that cultivates those crazy mushrooms... I'm sort of a straight edge so he would certainly give me one just for the hell of it
I'm afraid of fucking up my mind tho, permanently

After recently graduating with theology and philosophy, I have planned to dedicate my life to the faith. I hope to help the small community I'm in right now until I can enter one of these.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxZqfd-0smM

It'll take a lot of hard work and dedication but I'm willing to do so.

>>12438739
Somewhere along the line I broke. I can't do anything anymore.
Someone could beat me or take my things, I would be angry, but I would let it happen, I would feel the anger under my stomach, but before it rises to my mouth something blocks it, and I go back to being nothing.

Will probably lose my job from failing a drug-test; can't pay my mom my half of the rent this month, and less than two weeks to go. Earlier I needed to shit and went in to the shared bathroom I share with her, but I can't sit on the seat after she used it, so I ask through her door if she needs the bathroom, and hearing 'no, go ahead', tell her I'm gonna take a shower, but in reality I run the bath and shit into my hand and drop it into the toilet. I brought my electric hair clipper in with me to trim the fuzzy parts at the back of my neck, and so after shitting and cleaning inside my asshole I do this, and put the trimmer down on my towel, and wash my hands and face, then I make sure I've gotten all the feces out around the lip of my anus, and in fingering myself and feeling the hot water splash my rising cock I can't help but begin fingering my prostate, wishing I had taken my dildo in with me from the box hidden in my closet. I lament the absence of him, and turn off the running water, satisfied with my clean asshole, but then I notice the phallic shape of the hair trimmer, and without thought bring the water back, squat down, and already goopy from saliva and anal liquid, and rock hard, fuck my ass with the hair trimmer and jack off. It hurts - it's hard plastic with edges and a big on/off switch that digs into me, but I'm already seconds from coming so I persist, spitting in my hand and cranking on my dick, and the pain somehow makes it better, and I picture myself in a men's room in some strange city downtown and a man I don't know is fucking me like this in the stall, amid the sounds of pissing and shitting and blowing and sucking and snorting of ketamine and cocaine, and I cum weakly into the bathroom floor mat and pull the now bloody hair trimmer out of my ass, and wash my dick and butthole off, and the trimmer, and then I towel off, and hope I wasn't too loud, and go back to my room, and now I'm posting this. My mom makes more money than I do, but she's old and I feel guilty about living with her in my early 30s.

>>12440914
gross

A Poem:

A Ring of Flowers
For Austin Powers
He's a handy handy
Prince of Candy

>>12440988
fun rhyme good job anon

>>12438739
You will one day grow up and be the person you wanted to be as a young kid, your future self a silhouetted tower overshadowing your past self with grandeur. You might not know who you want to be, or with who, but those things will sort themselves out, you'll see. Remember while growing up that, as many things can go right, many things can go wrong as well. You will grow up not to overshadow your little self but you will darken every part of the sky and descend down to ruin your past like an eagle that dives in for a kill. You will instead grow up dreaming of a future without living in the present at all, every day will be a day you will dream of the future you have not yet achieved, every year will be "the" year, the one where you finally get to where you wanted. Every hour will be another hour lost, no amount of wading will resurface time gone by in the Styx and once ventured too far from the banks the river becomes an ocean. Take me, o river, to my future self.

How do you even write a story? I got all the major plot points in my head but I can't connect them. I have an extremely hard time filling up the blank moment that are supposed to lead up to the climax.

my ambition is preventing me from writing.

I can't bring myself to write anything unless it's the story that will guarantee my immortality as an author. The thing is, none of the stories I want to write can do that, so until I come up with one I'm just going to keep holding myself back.

>>12441065

but then you won't be able to write it, cuz you won't know how to write, anon :/

Reiterating, fuck 2019. It's going to be too full of change that I'm not ready for. Best I can hope for is that my loved ones fare as well as they deserve.

>>12441024
Start small and practice. Like 500-word flash fiction small

>>12439690
This board has never been so busy and off topic before.

>>12441065
Stop writing for a goal. Blah blah society can only grow if the present considers the future that they won't be a part of blah. Nobody will live forever, even shakespeare. Write because you want to, write because what surrounds you is incongruent with you. And besides, you can't be your best if you don't practice, so fucking write you sperg

>>12440557
who

>>12441139
anon, it is going to take a lot of therapy to get this need for worldwide and lasting respect out of my head, and frankly I'm not even sure it's right to seek help for the sole purpose of destroying my own dreams and purpose for living

>>12441065
you have at least five novels' worth of pure shit in you. get over it and write. What I'm doing now is incidentally number six. Number 3 was good after 3 edits, and numbers 4 and 5 are only half finished. plus countless abandoned projects.
>>12440688
update: two and a half chapters now. Need to sleep soon.

>>12441179
Don't sleep the period where you're fucking exhausted is where the best writing comes from

>>12441162
*thinking emoji*
it's always right to seek help if what's in your head is keeping you from functioning in some way, even if that something is what you think is your purpose for being. Life is for the living, not the future dead

It's been about seventy two hours since I've last had a cigarette and I am much too irritable to write. Or at least that's what I tell myself, but there's always an excuse.

If there are any Mexican people on /lit/ right now, can you PLEASE tell me why those fucking paleta vans drive around my apartment complex at 9:30 at night blasting their chimes at full volume, every fucking night of the week? Do people really fucking want paletas right now, when it's like 32 degrees F outside? Are they selling drugs and going around saying to anyone with even the slightest amount of street wisdom, "HEY I'M SELLING DRUGS"? Also are paletas any good because I have never tried one.

>>12441278
There is nothing like a paleta for a smoky night my friend

>>12441346

Alright fuck it I'm gonna go get one. Thanks, anon.

this thread convinced me to try writing something.
it's shit, but i enjoyed doing it. thanks /lit/.

>>12440809
Won't happen. People really hype up drugs like you can't go back to normal afterwards.

I was just masturbating a moment ago. It was, honestly, kinda boring. Fapping to some Asahi Mizuno; didn't really know why. All of sudden I realize: She looks just like my former crush! The one I get the oneitis so hard for. Gee, now it feels fucking delicious: the idea of she discovering I wank thinking of her, her, possibly, face of disgust, the realization that I am the kind of creep I believe I wasn't but she, deep down, knew I was, and the awareness that, even deeper, she would love it, like it, enjoy it, to know herself as such object of desire, of uncontrollable despair. She would reject me again just so my dick would get harder! Maybe even some precum! Yeah, she would love to lick it; Bit she wouldn't, just so I could keep rubbing my cock. What a mess.

I want to die

>>12442876
Me too, pal, me too

I suffer from social alienation. Whenever I go out / meet friends, i never enjoy it and rather want to be alone. It makes me feel left out. My girlfriend is the opposite and really enjoys social gatherings, she always finds something to talk about with people. When I observe her when we're out together, it feels so sad seeing her happy in a way that she never could experience with me, being genuinely interested in people. I am afraid of her cheating on me, i feel intensely uncomfortable when she goes out without me because i fear she will meet someone who she likes more than me and enjoys her time more than if she were with me. I have only heard of, not familiarized myself with the concept of emotional cheating, but that's what it feels like to me sometimes. I wish i were comfortable being alone at all times, but when i am, i feel like "missing out". When I'm out, i want to be home and alone again. Sometimes I think I am schizoid, having no interest in other people and whatnot. Maybe I just have the wrong friends, but I have no idea of how to go about finding new ones. And then I would have to abandon my current ones, probably losing my girlfriend in the process. Also my dependance on her is increasing, I used to be independent but now I feel the need to see her / be with her all the time and it makes me sad when she prefers going out with friends to spending an evening in with me. Consciousness was a mistake.

>>12440813
Why are you on 4chan

i want to die
for no particular reason really, my life is pretty nice

I'M WASTING MY LIFE AND I'M NOT SURE IF BEING AWARE OF THAT FACT IS WORSE OR BETTER THAN IGNORANCE

IT'S CERTAINLY MORE UNCOMFORTABLE

>>12443547

Second sentence made me laugh. It's true, it is. Wish I could figure out the secret to imbuing one's own desires with the same sense of urgency as when they're externalized (i.e. having a deadline imposed on you vs setting one for yourself), feel like it'd be way easier to accomplish things were that the case. Wonder why that's so hard to do.

>>12443191
>possible legit schizoid can get a gf but I can't
JUST

my mum is by far the person I text most often anymore

>>12438739
What's the connection between Left politics and transexuality ?
In my country leftists are outspokem communists and senile old men.
Is that a thing only in America or am I missing something ?

>>12443776
There are two issues at play. First, in the united states decades of propaganda have pushed the overton window the point where the democratic party is seen as "left wing" despite being center left by world standards. There isn't a real left wing political force in the united states, the furthest left politicians being socdems. Second, the american republican party is highly influenced by christian, particularly evangelical, moral belief. They don't like gay people (though they've softened up a bit on it recently) and they REALLY don't like transexuals. The result is that transexuals are forced to the democratic side because the other side is openly hostile to them.

>>12438755
>Yikes

>>12443776
>>12443814
I'm not sure it's that reactive. I'm not a tranny history expert by any means, but didn't New Left luminaries like Gore Vidal play an outsize role in even introducing the concept of transexuality to the American public? Our left, such as it is, was born of a very different era and from differing circumstances than foreign leftism. I think it's safe to say that a given example of foreign left would have an older intellectual heritage than our own, more Marxist dogma (perhaps even as defined by the USSR) than counterculture and sexual liberation. Consider also that the same circumstances of life that are apparently conducive to self castration could be similarly conducive to buying the leftist line, and that both tranny and normative leftist lifestyles both start from at least similar foundational presuppositions about reality.

As an aside, I'd like to point out that most Republicans are only nominal Christians, and come from the same materialistic liberal intellectual tradition as most Democrats. They'll cuck out completely on so-called social issues within a decade, it's all a sham. Their posturing on such issues is mostly just realpolitik capitalization on the lingering temporary revulsion the proletariat feels toward sexual depravity, you can see that disappearing now thanks to the heightened influence of educational and media institutions, the posturing will go with it. As that's happening, what we call "evangelicalism" is rapidly fracturing and will no longer be a reliable voting base for Republicans, again within a decade maximum. Liberation theology is in all the seminaries now, there's a lot of talk about organizations like the Gospel Coalition being "compromised," and that's happened extremely rapidly, just within the past couple years. You'll see a lot of churches willing to make themselves a feather in the cap of pagan democrats, to avoid becoming culturally outmoded (nevermind that long-ago cucked denominations like Methodists and Lutherans shrank rapidly when they chose to become temples to liberal politicals). Likewise, just as has happened throughout history, you'll see new Dissenters and Seceders who reject the man-centered theology of "woke churches" (they really call themselves that). For these congregations, political alignment with national republicans will no longer be possible with their coming leftward shift, and you'll see a popularization of Christian democracy in the vein of Abraham Kuyper amongst politically-literate American Christians. They'll isolate according to sphere sovereignty, and will engage with culture to a greater degree than before, but from a position of strength, fulfilling the Biblical imperative to contend earnestly for the faith. The withdrawal of the last remnant of Christian influence over American politics, and the evident loss of common grace for the West, will begin a period of governmental persecution of Christians not seen since pre-religio licita Rome.

I think I'm dysfunctional human bean. I have no reproduction or survival instincts, nor do I really feel anything. I feel hunger and boredom, that about it.

Haven't had a human friend since 2011.

Don't really know what to do with a failure of life.

the depression is back again

I saw an extremely long Tweet chain this morning from some guy talking about some kid with a MAGA hat arguing with some Native American elder. I'm not sure what they were talking about, but the man behind the Tweets set out along a very, very long Tweet chain revealing the several steps he took to uncover the kid's identity, only to then say that he won't say the boy's name. This, however, is basically pointless since all the steps are laid out for the viewer.

This leads me to ask: what deranges people to go to such lengths for some media-invented "culture war"? By creating a narrative of a "culture war", does the media complex itself play out acts of legally-endorsed violence upon the general populace for the creation of capital gain?

>>12438739
Been on two walks today, each an hour and a bit long. I enjoyed them an they really improved my mood and gave me time to just think. I think i'm going to start sticking to daily walks

>>12443563
The real deadline is death. We live as if we have infinite time and that's our demise. That's why near-death experiences are invaluable, it instills into you a real sense of urgency. Ideally we'd have one every 3-6 months.

>>12439668
Finished chapter three. At 10k words in less than three days and the story is pretty damned solid.

>>12444735

That's true. Functionally, I guess we do have infinite time; kind of like the Achilles paradox, in a way. I've always kind of hoped that, after going to the doctor's one day, they tell me I have a terminal illness, or I find out I'm more or less guaranteed to develop cancer or alzheimer's before much longer. I want a specific timeframe. I'd love to know the exact date of expiration.

>>12439776
Iktf

Anyone have any experience with *actual* diagnosed narcissists? I have a family friend that I'm absolutely sure has npd and don't know how to interact with them

>>12439086
Depends. Most humans in the western world are estranged from themselves and thus from others. This is due to the crisis of meaning and the dreadful "living" conditions of late capitalism and such. The point is; bitches today mostly spend their time on social media. This has terrible effects on their character due to neurophysiological changes and ideological indoctrination.
Is it worth it? If you find a girl that does not use social media and is not a slut that goes out eith her "friends" every weekend.... Yes. That said, you have to be a man that is of interest to girls like that and that is hard work... So yeah

>>12440914
based

>>12444887
Be boring.

Just wrote some fucking novella and realized no one's going to want to publish it because it's a fucking novella. What's the fucking point, Im losing the will to live in this shitty earth. I'm so fed up. Feel like i'm just wasting my damn time doing this stupid shit writing for no audience just the piece of shit manuscripts to turn to data dust on my computer. Fuck everything, I want to fuck my whole existence up. I don't care if I die anymore. I loathe being alive at times. I hate being at "home" I hate everything, everything is so shit and pointless. My stupid birth and stupid non existant family, i'm literally an accident. I was born from two idiots fucking one day and they didn't use a condom.

last week a possum was on my trail,i think it came from the road,it was bleeding out of eyes and mouth,i touched it with my boot and it responded.i let it be and went on my way,when i came back it had moved 4 feet,i let it be and went to bed,in the morning i checked on it and it was dead,over the next few days the vultures picked it clean to just skin and bones,i now walk past the skeleton every day.

>>12445054
Ayy me too
Also my mom's birthday is 9 months before mine

>>12441023
I like this

I am moving forward again. Continuously dying, breaking, rebuilding. And even without a purpose there is some contentment to be found, real or imagined. With the knowledge that nothing will ever be enough I can only worry about what follows. Why did I have to be saved so many times? It always felt too late to matter and now it's almost too late to live. Why did it have to happen again? Why did you have to ruin their lives so I could finally begin mine? I am working hard and will continue to do so. But I don't think you understand what you've done.

>>12441151
my "her" of course.

>>12445054

I've relaxed a bit, I take some of what I said back but all of it is true if you dig deep enough. Thanks for reading that shit, I wouldnt dare tell that to people irl

>>12443776
Jewish accelerationism

>>12444588
I'm pretty sure no one even did anything wrong, surely the leftist reaction must be completely cynical, the baby hitler thing too was a total non issue.
Are they stupid or lying?

My native language teacher in high school held a special course. In this course the main objective was to read the book magic mountain by Thomas Mann and analyse it by using the material he provided during the classes. He started us off with Goethe, then he gave us pieces of Nietzsche, Schopenhauer, Freud and even some William Blake. He also went through some post modernist socialist who had categorized people by the roles they take in modern society into "players", "travellers" etc.

As a young Jockey I just superficially read through these without getting any deeper meaning out of these and in the middle of the course I quit as I had not read further than 100 pages into the book.

After this something had changed in me and I grew intrest in these authors and that summer read a few books by them. I am now certain that the high school teacher who had 4 doctorated and still teached at high school was part of some masonic cult or something. I think that the unifying element with all those authors was that they were some sort of geniuses who had "figured it out".

It is my lifes one big regret that I lost the course material and I've always though how much more of a man I could have been had I gone through with it. I still think what other authors he would have introduced to me in the rest of the course.

>>12445486
Know people from high school? I'd bet you could figure some of that info out if you asked around and asked others to ask around

>>12444778
>I'd love to know the exact date of expiration
The whole world would be different if everyone knew the exact day they would die

>>12439258
Lift until you get a girlfriend

>>12444757
good for you anon thats great

He found a new beach. This one was calmer. It allowed him to dawdle on the sand and enjoy the day, never demanding him to swim. He felt it pulling him, but never pressuring him. He decided to abandon the first beach gracefully. Maybe she would accept his decision if he claimed his new beach required it. The new beach, surely, was righter. He began swimming in his new ocean, sometimes for an embarrassingly brief time, sometimes for a satisfying amount. The ocean cooed and hugged him with warm water and assured him everything was alright with her. The truth is, the boy moved to a rather dirty beach. There was trash strewn around and the sand was blackened. It lacked a lifeguard, but the boy didn't want one; he felt he could keep himself safe and help his new beach improve at the same time. He swam often, made sand castles, and imagined he had sea creature friends. He felt at peace with this ocean. One day, just a month after he first started swimming there, he declared the beach his favorite spot; his most loved. The ocean caressed him more, but eventually issues surfaced. Trash littered about, dirt invaded the sand, and the waves became choppier. For months he tried to calm the waves and clean up his new beach. Every day he would trudge in and walk for hours on the sand, just trying to help. The ocean began crashing waves on him. He was strong and withstood the blows, but the levels rose until he could only inhale water. He felt things start to drown as her beach became more and more corrupted and sharp. Everything he did to soothe her only made the waves splash harder. His heart ached with pain and he wanted to leave, but he couldn't. He felt attached. He felt responsibility to the beach he once loved. He chose to drown, taking hit after hit, and endured the pain of her abuse. She threw his love back in his face, first laughing at him, later with harsh violence. One day, she threw him up to the pier. He watched as her beach was absorbed and she ceased to exist, and he ran away with all his power. The ocean was now a terrible thing to him.

>>12438739
>no gf
>am sad

>>12446250
I have never cared about having no gf, its not a testosterone thing, i had that checked.
I have had a gf but it happened naturally, i never sought it out.

>>12445903
Finished chapter four, at 14,000 words now. Man this is great, I don't know what's gotten into me but it's like the thing is near writing itself with a minimum of advance planning. Plot is all coming together nicely.
Not trying to blogpost, I just haven't had this spark in a long time.

He would stand before bakeries for hours and stare at bread. It wasn't the taste or even the smell. How it was made, or by whom, wasn't important. The bread was there every day. Incredible sense of security knowing the fact.

And the tram soared through the sludge of a major German city: inky puddles of rain in the night, a fog sweat and car emissions, total fucking darkness. In the reflections and echoes of the 21st century bricolage of ornament-crime and plane window pane indexes passing by the sardine can of a vehicle you can make out an image of what once was a blonde woman. She consists of convulsions, sinews twitching, every motion a spasm. If you were to come near you'd surely smell the pungent smell of week old urine and discern the perforated leather of the forearms. Her every movement is accompanied by ten unnecessary ones.

How can i morn you when you are nothing but an endless collection of masks? You leave me with the responsibility of carrying the same torch who's light burns the promise of a better tomorrow. How i wish i was a lesser man so that i could shirk at the call of responsibility. How i wish i was a better man so that i may answer it with the diligence that it deserves. I'm uncertain whether to hold you in contempt setting me on a path of certain failure or to thank you for sending on an Odyssey that will have me realize the Man i destined to be. I lament at the idea of it inevitably being a combination of both. I'm sorry in advance.

Mathematics is invented. There is no apriori knowledge. In particular, what we call mathematics is just a creative activity based on the abstractions of the world. It is nothing but a cult

How does one explain the threat of a man with unrestricted access to time loops? I've come to use this as my go-to example.

Consider the present time, from the moment I woke up. I logged into my computer, checked my email and bank accounts, then whittled away the day in mediocrity.

Now what if you were "along for the ride" that whole time, as it were? To see as I see. Passwords. Contacts. Financial assets (or lack thereof). And, probably most importantly, the subjects that fascinate me.

You would then return to your own body, at the very second I would've woken up, but you made off with a haul without having to lift a finger.

Instead of a shade of a man with no ambition, you could have seen things as the Pope.
Or a man stranded in the desert.
Or a child in Africa.
Or a survivor of a downed plane.

The loops don't care who you see yourself as next. All they do care about is you hauling your own ass to help those people. After all, you have all the time in the world to spare, and all the tools within your reach.

The threat is present when the loops expect you to try anything.
You can't drive? Learn.
You can't speak their language? Learn.
You can't reach them without breaking laws? Learn.

Man the wall is fucking stupid but no one will be happy until we just let in hispanics wholesale. This country is done for and spic triablism will clearly win in the end

The you guys have vans that go around trading eggs, icecream and shit like for used car batteries in your contries? I'm thinking of writing about a conspiracy on the uses of the collected batteries, but I'm afraid it will make absolutely no sense to anyone that does not live in the shithole I'm stuck in.

>>12446805
A retarded 12 year old wrote this.

>>12447590
I don't even know what country you are from nor could I even take a guess but it sounds utterly ridiculous and I am down for it.

Devout Christians are more often genuinely virtuous than their atheist counterparts. Society ought to see a resurgence in Christianity to move us towards a closer knit and virtuous country.

Yet Christianity need not be a necessity in the pursuit of virtue; most people have not deeply reflected on themselves and their character, let alone chosen to actively pursue improvement along philosophical means. I'm not religious, but I think the virtues and wisdom taught in the Bible, by and large, are more of an easy way out for society, allowing them to circumvent that deep self-reflection and need to hold themselves to a higher standard because they believe they MUST be held to a higher standard by a higher being, with more at stake than just their short lives.

Its sort of mentally authoritarian. And as pretentious as it is, I think of it as sort of like an enlightenment: the masses ought to be religious in order to behave better, yet those who reject religion but continue to reflect and improve along a different guideline, such as that of the Stoics, are the higher thinkers and have the potential of being the most virtuous and have the best character of the bunch.

This is not organzied or fleshed out at all and I am thinking out loud

>>12444349
I bet you have a twitter account with some name like GnosisStryder where your bio is the orthodox cross emoji, the banner graphic is an oil painting of a misty forest or rome being sacked by vandals, and you have 127 followers who are all copies of your account with small differences or people who still think groyper is relevant. It delivers you a steady drip-feed of hollow hared of the modern world, and you spend a lot of time posting things that justify your current position on an alphabet agency watchlist

A platoon of highly trained, heavily armed schutzstaffel are attacking a hill you've been ordered to defend. You are deeply entrenched and have the weapons necessary to repel a force five tines the size of yours but your only comrades are the three stooges.

Do you desert or do you stay and fight?

>>12445054
post that shit somewhere, i'll read it
i'll hate it but i'll read it

>>12447013
Spics don't really have much tribalism from what I can tell, other than that they consistently vote for Dems but even then there are exceptions (Cubans in general, Puerto Ricans in Florida who helped defeat Bill Nelson and Andrew Gillum last year). In Texas around 40% of spics voted for Trump in 2016 too.

My problem with them is more cultural: their utter mediocrity. I mean, there are now millions more spics than blacks in this country, what have they contributed to our culture? How many of them are in prominent positions in society? It seems like they just idly live by as wageslaves and they're okay with it.

I've volunteered to tutor at inner city L.A. schools as part of a college thing and these schools are 100% Hispanic - the students don't listen to their teachers (who themselves have no idea what they're doing), barely have any ambition, and the 10th and 11th graders I taught barely knew or understood the most basic and rudimentary concepts. In a high school history class for juniors I taught a few lessons in, most had never heard of Mussolini, Stalin, Mao, etc. They didn't know what fascism, socialism, or communism was. I can see why decades of affirmative actions have done practically nothing to change their lifestyles. Worse yet, we are now getting fewer Mexicans and now more Central Americans (Hondurans, Guatemalans, El Salvadoreans), who if anything are a downgrade.

I used to write this off as a West Coast/Sunbelt problem but these people are now infecting southern states like NC and even the fucking agricultural midwest, had no idea there were so many in Iowa till I read about Molly Tibbetts. I agree though, this country is done for.

>>12438739
I find my lack of interest and devotion to my topic of study slightly concerning. I find while most students around me jump at the chance to be involved in side projects I actively avoid them at all costs. I only find this disturbing as I have great sense of guilt over the fact my parents are helping me pay my tuition. I’m hoping that I can right this guilt by helping them support both my brothers as they make their way through college as well, but unfortunately I don’t really see a way of resolving it without involving me breaking down in front of them and asking for their forgiveness.

On a side note, I’ll be looking for a job in a years time, has anyone had any experience with one that required minimal experience that they enjoyed? Something maybe along the lines of customer service, manual labor, apprenticeship, etc. I worked for the forestry department a few years ago and that wasn’t all bad. I think I’d like to move to more human interaction position however. Thanks in advance.

>>12447838
>what have they contributed to our culture? How many of them are in prominent positions in society? It seems like they just idly live by as wageslaves and they're okay with it.
god forbid everyone in america isn't infected with the anglo protestant mind virus that if you aren't relentlessly competing with your fellow man for ever greater levels or wealth, prestige and power then you aren't living correctly
>and the 10th and 11th graders I taught barely knew or understood the most basic and rudimentary concepts. In a high school history class for juniors I taught a few lessons in, most had never heard of Mussolini, Stalin, Mao, etc. They didn't know what fascism, socialism, or communism was
This is most poor whites as well
>I agree though, this country is done for.
America will be catholic country, deal with it

>>12447887
>god forbid everyone in america isn't infected with the anglo protestant mind virus that if you aren't relentlessly competing with your fellow man for ever greater levels or wealth, prestige and power then you aren't living correctly

I don't mean strictly socioeconomic wealth, prestige, or power or anything like that. African Americans, despite having significantly lower average income levels than Hispanics, are more prominent in art, culture, entertainment, sports, literature, politics, etc.

>America will be catholic country, deal with it

This isn't really an argument, you just sound upset. But the country was ruled by almost solely Anglo and Irish Scot protestants for its first 150 years or so. This anglo protestant "mind virus" provided a common cultural fabric that other euromutts did just fine under. It's funny that this country has gone to shit now that it's torn between protestants, catholics, and fundies now. Just a coincidence huh?

>>12447887
Also there are plenty of Italians who like spics are heavily catholic, with an emphasis on tight family, a more relaxed work ethic, etc. and they still do just fine. Spics meanwhile remain irrelevant.

> America will be a catholic country
hahahahahahahha haahahhaahhahahahhaha it will be full blown communist state before that

what degree should i get
(not underaged, just didn't go straight from secondary to tertiary education)

I guess I'm an ex-exconservative now. It feels weird. When I was younger I was into really left wing stuff. Anarcho communism, going to protests, Murray Bookchin, thought I was trans for a few months, anticlericalism. Now... I don't really know who I am politically anymore. The American "left" has gone off-kilter in the last couple of years. Drag kids, open borders, gun confiscation. I didn't sign up for that. The whole movement is liberal to it's core and won't ever make a material difference for the working class. It's depressing really. I'm beginning to see the wisdom of some form of social conservatism, at least, in a non prescriptivist sense. Ala the societies that we see today are the survivors of an evolutionary battle that many previous cultures have succumbed to. The surviving cultures must have some traits that improve their fitness. It is worth trying to understand and emulate fit traits and to discourage unfit traits. Strong families, strong gender roles, economic autarky, a baseline level of militarism or willingness to defend itself, and relatively homogenous ethnic makeup seem like good traits for a sustainable culture. Just some random thoughts I had

>>12438739
Karl liked himself. He was a hard worker; he learned fast and strove to be a valuable employee. A good father, he daughter was well mannered and a rounded individual. He was kind and cared for his friends. Reliable to a fault and self sacrificing, he worried that he had too much to not share it, regardless of his poverty. Most people would say they enjoyed his company and acquainces respected him.

Karl hated himself. He saw the things they praised as just doing what he could to get by. Counselors told him he may one day be a Senator or other such important man, being blue collar reminded him everyday there was potential being wasted. His father's idea of peptalks usually became calling him a nigger or other similar insult, ending with cajoling him that really his best interests were in his mind. When Karl looked in the mirror he didn't see what everyone liked. He saw what he was once told could have been.

>>12448005
something that gets you fucking paid, like a fucking electrician.

>>12448021
i have money already, i just need something that leads to an interesting job

Sometimes I feel guilty that all of my writing is inane and masturbatory but then I take a peek at older authors and even renaissance artists and it keeps me going.

Ain't nothing wrong with vapidity.

>>12447973
>I don't mean strictly socioeconomic wealth, prestige, or power or anything like that
"Contributing to our culture" is a shibboleth for amassing wealth and power in America and you're naive or arguing in bad faith to pretend that modern American culture hasn't always revolved around this drive
>This isn't really an argument
It isn't, I'm taunting you
>you just sound upset.
Why would I be upset? You freely admit that you've lost and that my demographic is eventually going to be the majority.
>It's funny that this country has gone to shit now that it's torn between protestants, catholics, and fundies now.
Serious post: history will view the second half of the 20th century as a necessary detente between prots and catholics to defeat Marxist atheism. Prots decided to use the peace won after the cold war to impose their perverted view of Scripture onto all Americans through the government and persecute fellow Christians. Much of American Christianity is now openly idolatrous of ethnic phenotypes. Did you expect this to go unaswered?

>>12447982
>Spics meanwhile remain irrelevant.
I still have no clue why prots think this is a precondition for having social value, but it confirms my accusations of the prot obsession over prestige

Hearing my senile mother talk seems like listening to the void after death.

Supposedly, your brain dies, consciousness dies, all that's left is the void, right?
Well, hearing her talk, hearing the mumbling fragments of ideas she lets out, it's like I'm hearing whatever fragments of her mind are left while the rest slowly dies.
The rest is just filled out by void.

>>12448143
Every person in this thread will one day stare the void down

>>12448143
My mom had a stroke, and while she's sort of high functioning, her ability to Form memories is shot and she lost a lot of her database of memories.

Also she talks with that retarded pitch. And that spark of intellect in her eyes is gone.

It's like my mother really DID die and I'm speaking to something else that just inhabits her corpse

jewish pussy got a nigga acting strange

>gently humming bitcoin miner that makes 500 a month
Yea that is bs

>>12448219
Not if I kill myself first, bitch! Fuck dementia!

I am a ticking time bomb, is this the will of God? that I become a danger, to myself and to the world? The world that left me to die in the wallowing ashes. The world that destroyed my hopes, and the love in my heart as a small child. Is it my fault, that God forced upon me, a bad start? I have the eyes of knowledge, and not of love. My grandmother is the only person I love, but it's only respect, I respect her for who she is. I've been cursed by myself, or from above. All I yearn for is power, ambition is my favorite word, power is my revenge on this materialistic matrix. I've turned into a machine, and I will be immortal with art as my resting bed. My whole life I thought I was sane, then you people came along telling me my views are insane, and now yes, I agree, I am pure insanity. No other person will be as artistic as I will be, I will dwell in my art, even sleep on my paintings. They are the only people that understand me, these boxes, these paintings. I reject family, I reject being normal, I reject being a passive observant of what is true. A true man is diligent on his quest for power, and productivity is what he lives for. The normal person watches television, sits down lazily, and eats his slices of pizza. The grease, the stench, the horror.

I was feeling really bad and I had swamp ass
I washed my ass with soap
And now I feel better

>>12446451
literally everyone trivializes it but it's a big deal for me and causes me endless grievances

>>12448095
>"Contributing to our culture" is a shibboleth for amassing wealth and power in America and you're naive or arguing in bad faith to pretend that modern American culture hasn't always revolved around this drive

America being uniquely profit-driven doesn't detract from our scientific, technological, artistic, and cultural achievements. I bet you watch American films, listen to American music, and/or play American video games all while spouting this drivel. It's the so-called evil "prots" who helped lay the foundation for this culture you worship, and the devices you use -- and the fact you're better off here than from wherever your ancestors came from.

>Why would I be upset? You freely admit that you've lost and that my demographic is eventually going to be the majority.

Not surprised to find out you're one yourself. Having a personal stake in this argument and only being able to defend your group's stagnant and irrelevant influence in society by using a whattaboutism through "protestantism" is pretty weak desu.

>I still have no clue why prots think this is a precondition for having social value, but it confirms my accusations of the prot obsession over prestige

I'm not a WASP myself, but if you think contributing to art, culture, and all the other areas of influence I mentioned are WASP-exclusive obsessions, you're delusional.

Your people are family oriented at the very least, and perhaps the impetus they place on family values over profession is what keeps them lower on the socioeconomic ladder. That is maybe one valid line of reasoning you can use, and I'll concede it's not entirely a bad thing. Otherwise, I stand by my point that you've completely failed to make any meaningful mark on the country despite being roughly 1/5 of the population, and you can't write that off by attacking WASPs.

i just wanna find someone

I'm a nobody and will die a nobody. People I care about don't care about me. By growing in personality I also shrank in willpower. I hate my flaws. Most of my brainpower is wasted thinking about myself. I haven't been proud in months. I waste lots of time in 4chan and social media. The career in academia seems less attractive each day and I don't really know where to go after college. She was right to leave me.

>>12448316
dude shut up. you piss me off.

>>12448326
ok im sorry. i forgot how young this website is.

>>12448326
Why so hostile? Most of us here are broken in some way. Go be aggressive to normies not anons complaining about >tfw no gf

How do you deal with heartbreak and become a whole person again? I'm like a blob who can't trust anyone

I failed. I know I won't pass my officers examinations, I know I failed a module in my m Phil. I don't have a gf and beyond that, there isn't a single girl I like. Life has become a slog, I failed at starting up a company, I failed at impressing my peers. Now I'm failing to prove any modicum of intelligence to the world.

I keep my mind too open, and I sometimes wonder if there's a point to my own existence.

I think Im too lazy, or too damaged to create anything of worth - and the very idea of doing so is basically paralyzing.
Im basically an intellectual sponge; a caretaker of idea, with no real sense of action of what to do with my ideas.

time will say nothing but I told you so,
time only knows the price we have to pay;
if I could tell you I would let you know.

He thought that even if, instead of an exam, there was a gorilla shaped man preparing to fight him on the other side of those double-doors, he would not feel any less anxious. At least in that case, no one would be expecting him to succeed, weedy armed and pot-bellied as he was. He could simply float through those doors and wait for the impact, in that pleasant way a jump off a bridge would feel.
Instead he trudged numbly into the desk-ridden sports hall. The unearthly, dizzying feeling of the high ceilings and distant walls mitigated by the tunnel-vision of an oncoming panic-attack. He took a seat, was told to move, took his designated seat and waited, hoping that his tightening chest might lead to a heart attack.

I like to think I support trans people but also think the nature of transitioning really young is insidious and has been politicized entirely in aid of current trannies.

>>12449100
Yeah, I kind of wish I understood the science more. I did look into it a few months ago, but it has so little bearing on my life I lost interest. Kind of got the same questions about homosexuality, but I suppose people don't take pills or have surgery for that, which is really the problem I have with it in relation to children. There's just a lack of clarity and the internet is an awful place to find it.

>>12444735

That the thought of death torments you so is reason to rebuke it.

>>12449100
Early detection and intervention for GD children tend to have the best outcomes. The younger transitioners that I have met are a lot less neurotic and are better adjusted socially than ones who start later. Being trans is only part of their life rather than their entire identity, they can resolve the issue quickly and move on to better goals and projects

After not talking to my ex-girlfriend since December I foolishly requested to follow her finsta. I'm not sure why I did it. Maybe I longed to see revealing pictures of her again. Maybe I wanted to see if she had posted about me. Somehow she accepted my follow request. It was odd seeing those pictures of her half naked body from the context of never seeing her in person again. She had posted about me which added to my pain. After masturbating to some of the photos I felt disgusted by myself. She was my first time and was afraid I would get too attached and I realized she was right. That chapter of my life cannot be one I keep cycling back into. After the waiting game of her dealing with my follow request I realized it best to unfollow her. Every part of me wants to move on, find someone new. Hopefully it happens for me. Before then I have to work on myself.

>>12441251
Hang in there

>>12449419
The thing is, it does not. The mind makes us forget about it completely as if it does not exist.

Haven't had a drink since Wednesday, feel pretty good today. We'll see if it continues.

>>12438739
jesus I thought I would never see this image again
I had it saved but I lost it
Bless you anon

>go on /lit/
>see thread that isnt literature
>get inexplicably angry

>>12443776
leftist politics has led to more leisure time for the average American, which leads to overexposure to internet, which creates trannies
it's not really the leftists fault though

>>12449537
break ur phone and fuck your mind and stop fucking stop

>>12448313
>America being uniquely profit-driven doesn't detract from our scientific, technological, artistic, and cultural achievements.
The fact that american has scientific achievements at all is a testament to america's public secularism, not the unique power of prot society (which isn't unique - just as much scientific advancement has happened in mediterranean catholic countries, and the vatican and the dukes of medieval/renaissance italy are probably singularly responsible for preserving the shared literary and artistic heritages of western civilization when prots were happy to commit rampant iconoclasm in God's name)
>I bet you watch American films, listen to American music, and/or play American video games all while spouting this drivel. It's the so-called evil "prots" who helped lay the foundation for this culture you worship
Most american culture is cancer and I unironically wish to see most of it purged.
>and the fact you're better off here than from wherever your ancestors came from.
See my point above re: secularism
Prots are not responsible for doing anything to create the world we live in, and even if they WERE I would have zero problems in using their tools to eliminate them from positions of power in the west
>Not surprised to find out you're one yourself. Having a personal stake in this argument and only being able to defend your group's stagnant and irrelevant influence in society by using a whattaboutism through "protestantism" is pretty weak desu.
I have a feeling you think I'm hispanic (I'm not - all of my ancestors came from 18th century france or 19th century ireland) but I don't really care what some effette prot defender thinks about catholic society
>'m not a WASP myself, but if you think contributing to art, culture, and all the other areas of influence I mentioned are WASP-exclusive obsessions, you're delusional.
Good thing I said prot obsession and not WASP obsession
>I stand by my point that you've completely failed to make any meaningful mark on the country
Humans are given meaning to their lives by God and abiding by His laws. The western (mostly American, but it's spread to the rest of the secular west) obsession with the accumulation of wealth, baubles, titles and cultural artifacts is probably one of the greater generators of human misery today. The defenders of this way of life slander the social teachings of my church as godless socialism. The worship of greed and avarice as a virtue to be pursued, not a sin to be punished. Abortion on demand to save the careers of feminist ladder climbers

I don't really care if you respond to this or not, I've made my point and I have no interest in the prot parlour game of endless debate that resolves nothing. Western society is collapsing under its own weight and the largest singular moral force is the One True Church - remember that

Haven't smoked a cigarette in two weeks. I've never been a heavy smoker, usually only smoking when going out for drinks/concerts/movies or when very stressed out or feeling bad. But two weeks without is the longest I've gone in probably years.

It's such a useless habit and kind of unhealthy even in very low amounts, so I think I'm quitting for good.

>>12446617
At 16k words.
with how suicidal i've been lately i think writing this is all i have in the mental battle to not kms in the near future. 90% of my issues are financial, and 10% health problems...
anyway i forgot how easy writing fantasy was. it's like, urban fantasy i guess you'd call the genre. usually i do historical fiction that takes 9000 hours of research just to start working on it. fantasy? 5 minutes in google when I want a reference on something, usually architectural, or a word I can't recall, or a photo of a landscape similar to what I have in mind, or checking some random fact. this is so easy it's like a vacation.
Yes, commercial fiction. Want to get published for the money.

>>12446805
I agree with this.

>>12450118
>>12447619
Explain yourselves pls

Today i entered again to uni. I was feeling anxious the past week but not anymore. Everything went fine except for the lunch. The part of the day i dread.
I said to the only friend i really had since day one that i didnt like him and that the better thing to do was to get other friends and part ways. He always needed to be with me and he used to blame me for not being a good enough friend when i didnt answered his calls or when o didnt want to go out with him. I also broke with my girlfriend which studied with me so now i dont have anyfriends to eat with. I had to go to a far away place from uni so i wouldnt have to experience the humillation of being seen eating alone and being labeled as the weird loner. Still i manage to run with some students from higher years that i recognised. Hope they dont noticed me.
Now i went to the center park near my uni to walk and do nothing more. I hope to get new friends quickly. Prefebrably some wich i can eat in uni with and others outside. I felt a little happy when i finished eating and started waliking down the street. I smoked a cigarrete and i had a little moment of bliss. I am slowly becoming london frog even though ive tried to get my life together.

>>12443191
I felt just like you. I broke out with my gf and sayd to my only uni friend that i didnt want his company anymore. I guess iam free now to get new friends. This is all what i wanted when i was with them. But ita going to be hard to get new friends and a new gf, or at least people which i enjoy being with. Now iam alone and anxious but i guess taking the risk was the right choise. Nos i have to wait and tey a little harder

The future had better have dragons

>>12450449
>>12450506
Why didn't you want to be with your friends anymore?

SHUT UP THE FUTURE

I bet animals haven't existed for a long time now

>libraries closed today
Martin Luther (King Jr.) is spinning like a subterranean pinwheel.

>>12439258
The way I see things, you're going to die either way, and there's no discernible benefit from dying safe and comfortable. Nobody on their death bed is thinking "ah, well, at least I'm rested" or anything, you know? If you read philosophy and can sell yourself on the idea of virtue, or duty, or any other form of non-theistic sense of meaning, as well as acknowledge my previous statement, you're left without any excuse to not determine a goal and work towards it.

Suicide is certain death, but fist fighting a gorilla is only nearly-certain death, therefor going from suicidal to gorilla fighting is technically an upgrade. So, in a way, I should congratulate you on accidentally eliminating any form of rational fear of death from your life, because it will make your improvement much smoother and easier.

>>12450544
I am the author of both of those posts. I just had one friend wich i talked about in my first post and my ex-gf. The guy i talked about was an excocain addict that was falling again into drugs but the reason i left him was because he was all what i didnt like in a person. He liked to gossip, he was shallow, he never read nothing, he was very ignorant, he like to critizise everyone, he was loud and obnoxious and he wanted a lot of time from me.
My gf was ignorant, really insecure about me cheating. One day i was going to put some documentary on netflix and then after a couple minutes she exploded and told me that she didnt want to watch things like that, that i was really boring and thats why i didnt have any friends. The rest is history now.

Staying up late and writing seems to me more important than anything I have to do, to better myself, to advance my career, anything. Even if it means neglecting the practical affairs that would see me materially happier.

When I sit there doing it it's like my mind is like superheated plasma, I become sovereign of galaxies and space and time my clear and captured ideas. My imagination--usually a hinderance-- becomes a source of energy and I forget myself, rise out and above and away from bitter petty things. It's the only time when I feel that I'm truly free, allowed to range liquidly over everything that comes to mind--and to take a step back from my emotions and let them breathe without them prodding me along.

Then when I'm done and I shut the book, I'm back to being just another guy on the street, stuck with circumstances I'm barely able to control, beholden and subject to structures of power and hierarchies and the screech of cities which the other night were my playthings.

It feels good to dissolve into the backdrop, to become pure thought and image. And then to come here and post on 4chan.

Everyone likes simplicity, everyone wants to live a simple life, but there's something so beautiful in the complexity of existence that I feel bad over people missing out on it. The more wisdom you can aggregate, the more understanding you gain, the more master you have over your environment. Engineering, mathematics, biology, philosophy, music, language, so many unbelievably complex systems that grant so much power to those who dare to delve into them, and people just want to sit in the dark and enjoy their simple roles. Wake up, make doughnuts, fuck around, sleep. Maybe one day I'll understand.

>>12438739

Had a bit of an argument the other night, one thing led to another and it got to where nobody could really sell me on why logical consistency is necessary. You can make a perfectly logical argument and still be wrong; I'm just bypassing the silly procedure the system of logic calls for, the odds of being right are about the same.

>>12451015
How did you end up friends with a person like this though?

>>12451035
cool picture to go along with your story

>>12451096
>My logic dictates logic is unnecessary because logical thinking can be done imperfectly
really activated my almonds there

>>12451138

First part: Yeah yeah paradox of using a thing to decry the thing itself, what else you got?
Second part: Not quite. Logical thinking can be done perfectly, yet still used to arrive at an untrue conclusion, more specifically.

>>12451035
I know what you mean. You should explore multiple forms of meditation, both excitatory and inhibitory. I'm more or less able to autopilot through much of my daily routine and spend a good amount of my time in this kind of state. It can be addictive.

>>12451176
>Yeah yeah paradox of using a thing to decry the thing itself, what else you got?
You know that doesn't actually counter what I've said, but then again, saying that you don't care about being logical implies you don't care if you're right or not so I suppose it doesn't matter.
>Logical thinking can be done perfectly, yet still used to arrive at an untrue conclusion, more specifically.
Logic is a tool, and a tool can be poorly made or mishandled, but it's still a tool. To disregard a tool for use during a job which it is designed for because the use of the tool doesn't guarantee successful completion of the job is foolish.

I'd love to live in a remote, small city, close to mountain range or a some lake. Live quiet, peaceful life. Spend my time taking long walks in woods, hiking, swimming, meeting locals.

Books for this feel?

father, i love you and you've always been there for me whenever i've had goals i've wanted to pursue. but whenever you talk about your goals, about publishing your new book, and how grandiose you're dreams are to other people i can't help but feel embarrassment. it's not fair and i should be better.

>>12451216
>implies you don't care if you're right
Not at all, but I can see why you think that. And that wasn't meant to counter anything, it was more an invitation to continue
>Logic is a tool
Sure, and there are many tools. I'm not necessarily disregarding it as such, I'm just not convinced that a consistently logical worldview/argument/whatever is necessary or preferable. I'm more interested in what happens with the play between contradictions

>>12451115
I just talked to him the day we startee uni. I pretended to laugh at his bad jokes, answerd "jajajajajaaja" to the memes he sent me and i accepted to go with him to lunch between classes. He was kind and respectfull with me but he just was annoying.

>>12451274
>I'm just not convinced that a consistently logical worldview/argument/whatever is necessary or preferable.
I'm not sure I understand what you mean. It sounds like you're saying there's no reason to have principles consistent among different subjects, as in the rules you follow for decision making with regards to politics are different to those for theology as an example. If I'm right, this would mean you believe what constitutes sound logic in one subject is based on a set of principles that, when applied similarly to another subject, fail to hold up, and as such you need multiple sets of principles with independent, potentially conflicting logic for each one. To respond, I would say that properly sound logic is that which applies successfully regardless of subject, and a failure to apply logic to multiple subjects is the failure of the thinker and not logic itself. In other words, inconsistent logic isn't logic, and if you genuinely believe that consistent logic is unnecessary despite being possible, then you just haven't thought about it enough.

I could be misunderstanding, though, and you may just mean something along the lines of "who cares about being consistently logical when my wants/needs can't be justified by that logic" which would just make you an unrepentant, if self aware, hypocrite.

>>12451269
>you're dreams

>>12451238
some chapters of farewell to arms

>>12440557
Same. Feels real fuckin bad.

>>12438739
I think I just figured out that joke in Joyces Ulysses. The relation of writer to page is madding.

>>12440813
who would win?

I get a weird feeling and i obsess about a game/movie/tv-series/anime when i finish watching it.
Its like i'm more interesting in it once i've finished watching/playing it. I cannot stop thinking about the lore and personality of the characters/story.
Thank god it goes away after a few days, but sometimes when its something i've watched for a few weeks such as an anime or a tv-series it can stay for weeks.

Sometimes I want to write for The Onion. When I used to "troll" on Facebook under some authentic looking profile(s) I was told I should and now each time I recall those hilarious moments of messing with Americans I think, "maybe I should give it a shot?"

>>12438739
I'm not sure what my first book shoud be. I have some ideas but I'm unsure what to focus on first.

>A hobo sleeps thru an alien invasion and joins the resistance but it is a power fantasy of an alt right Chris Chan

>A young man works a series of dead end jobs at a dead mail wile hallucinating Windows 95 popups as his Boomer parents ask him why he isn't Mark Zuckerberg.

>A young woman wakes up in a morgue and learns she is a cybernetic enhanced Space Marine. She goes to a post apocalyptic Earth with other cute anime girls to exterminate monsters that want to rape and murder them.

>alcohol probation but it's in a high fantasy setting

>>12453124
>>A young man works a series of dead end jobs at a dead mail wile hallucinating Windows 95 popups as his Boomer parents ask him why he isn't Mark Zuckerberg.

I like this. Do something that people can relate to, not the most absurdist idea that pops into your head. I've got a few ideas myself for satire novels about modern smart technology and how regressive it really is.

I'm sitting in an uncomfortable chair in an airport terminal, where I'll have to spend 12 hours in order to catch a three hour flight home. The chair is in one of those benches full of chairs in a row, and between each seat there are huge arm rests preventing visitors from laying down comfortably. To my left, a gentleman has basically twisted his spine diagonally in order to circumvent the cold steel from the arm rest and is now not only sound asleep, but actually snoring. I look at him and even though the scene is quite pathetic (the man is over fifty years old and wears a Daffy Duck t-shirt), I envy him.

how much do I need to change a story before it becomes mine

>my story is homestuck minus the trolls, cherubs, rpg elements, time travel, lolzrandom humor and pop culture references. Also the lands are hazardous cities that have each gone through a different apocalypse rather than planets that have been polluted, the denizens and consorts are at war with each other, and the story is more strictly cosmic horror. Also there's no creating a new universe, it's just the characters struggling to get home

I don't know if I'm supposed to cite this shit for my presentation or not and even if I did have to cite it there's not really any information for it

It is kind of frustrating for the woman you love to constantly be exploding with her feelings. Tell her not to explode and just bottle up her emotions and pretend things are alright? She just explodes at a later date. Let her speak her mind and get everything off her chest this moment? She explodes and gets emotional, saying things she doesn't means. Is this the norm with women? Women are tiring. Such is life.

>>12448556
You reflect and reflect until you figure out what is wrong. That is what I do. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

I am a writer and a poet. I was just listening to Bach's Harpsichord Concerto #1 in D Minor. It brought tears to my eyes, because it made me wonder whether I will ever, in my own field, create anything approaching that level of brilliance.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcsfDxojdV8

>>12453600
just ignore her when she gets too crazy, she'll calm down and love you for it

>>12438739
Jews suck nigger cock

>>12453203
getting american psycho vibes here lol

>https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/education/attention-college-shoppers-these-schools-are-slashing-their-prices/2019/01/21/e384eca0-12bc-11e9-90a8-136fa44b80ba_story.html

>St. John’s College slashed tuition from $52,734 in this school year to $35,000 in the next.

holy shit the jig is up! private colleges slashing prices as zoomers get wise to college costs!

>>12438739
when i die, I'll take with me as many lives as I can

aww man the whiney neet thread got deleted, it was fun poking the copes of incel turds

>>12454217
(You)

>>12439258
I can't tell if they are moving away from me or the background is coming towards me

>>12440233
What kind of seeds? :)

I deeply dislike females, but i need love. Or maybe i don't and i just want to know how it is to go through the most famous emotional rollercoaster. Or maybe, i'm just a bitter incel who's overthinking, eh?¨

>>12441551
Try telling Syd that.

>>12454556
Syd Barrett would drop LSD every day, and would do every chemical offered to him (which was quite a lot, on account of his place/time + psyche band status). He was looking to wreck his mind, no way around that. A good shroom trip in the presence of mates with nice music playing can do life-long wonders for an anxious temperament.

>>12454442
We’re biologically disposed to crave affection and even pass chemicals to eachother when we form bonds of any kind. Think about it, we evolved in tribes and communities it’s only natural. Trust me I understand modern women are bascially just garbage but at least try to form good friends and maybe friends with women. It’ll be good for you.

I can't view Arthurian romance as positively as I used to due to reading Leon Gautier.

Now I am almost desireless. I push into new hobbies as they might add something new to my life, but that change never comes. I am almost outside of time.

>>12454114
good, at least you'll be doing this clown world a favor

FUCK NIGGERS
FUCK KIKES
FUCK SPICS
AND FUCK YOU, JANITOR

>>12439258
consider the army

I don't know what to do with my life. I'm so afraid of failure that I'm becoming a failure. I hate it. I don't hate myself and I'm not suicidal. I have friends and ambitions. I'm not missing or suffering from anything. I look in the mirror and see the one person I expect the most from, and that seems to ironically stop me from doing any of it. It sounds ass backwards and I hate it for that, because I don't see any other explanation for this incredibly conflicted feeling I get more and more as I waste my life worrying or distracting myself. These thoughts go through my head every day, and often keep me up at night.

>>12453331
Considering you ruled out the bullshit and tangents that made up like 99% of Homestuck in the end it seems you'll be making your own story. Unless you want no story.

Just make sure the main cast is different enough to not give it away.

It seems like every interaction I have with people reinforces my idea of people being traitorous snakes. I dont know when it started, but when I hit my late teens, everyone I knew became a neurotic, evil fuck. People will trash someone as soon as they leave the room, bash everyone they know for hours on end, then have the audacity to ask personal questions, as if I would share any sensitive information with a judas fuck. My paranoia has steadily gotten worse over the years, and I see no path that doesnt lead straight to social isolation. I hope you guys make it out okay

>>12453706
Bach regularly gives me that feeling, as does Mozart.

I don't dislike females, have made many friends of the opposite sex, and have had even a few attempt to pursue romantic interests with me.

But I would rather just look at cute pictures of "anime" girls and fantasize about them instead.

>>12438739
How the FUCK do the people around me get so excited and motivated for jobs? I study commerce and these people are sending resumes, netwroking etc. It feels cucked bending over and doing everything I can so some jew can pay me min wage or give me an internship. It's like being a poodle at a dog show,

>>12439779
I'm going to have to do this myself but only because I'm increasingly paranoid about google's proprietary software

feeling a little landlocked, I'm going to have to sever some ties to gtfo

>>12443191
a schizoid wouldn't feel bad about being left out

>>12455375
i’m schizoid and one of my main recurring delusions is that people are actively denying me of attention

>>12453600
You are to be strong enough to withstand their fucked up emotionality. Think of it as a proof that you are a man. Or you can stay alone and masturbate to anime, that's what I do.

>>12455226
Maybe they see their work as a means to an end. Maybe work is genuinely fun for them. Maybe they are just stupid.

This whole polarity regarding Hbomberguy has really got me thinking. If we as a society have determined that being under 18 is too young to have sex (which in the best circumstances has no long-term consequences such as pregnancy, STDs, PTSD, etc), why are we supposed to just not ask questions when a child says they want to do something as life-spanning as transitioning? Obviously if the money went to helping dysphoric adults, I'd have no issue. They're adults. The decision is then on them.

>>12455424
Sex with children is essentially exploitative because it's the adult partner who wants it. There's no necessity for a child to engage in a sexual act so it can only bring a child harm. Children transitioning, on the other hand, is viewed as something that's meant to benefit them in the long run. Now whether it actually benefits them in all cases is controversial at best but ideology prohibits people from pondering this question.

>>12455435
I probably should've clarified that when I said "no long-term consequences" regarding sex I meant between two minors of similar age; not between a child and an adult. Now I look like a weirdo.

>>12455445
No one generally gives a fuck about children having sex with each other, apart from pregnancy and stds. Age of consent is there to prevent adults from having sex with kids.
>Now I look like a weirdo.
You look like a weirdo by the very virtue of posting on 4chan, don't worry.

Wtf is with liberals and leftists obsession with cardi b

My gf broke up with me because I got mad when she interrupted me while I was talking about a very nice passage in Ulysses

>>12455563
>my gf dumped me because I often go on long autistic one-sided rants about subjects my conversation partner has no interest in
ftfy and it was justified. If you weren't on the spectrum you'd understand what you did wrong.

>>12455575
My gf doesnt read but she likes when I tell her about whatever im reading or a nice passage. Maybe his gf is a bitch too

At 20k words, finished drafting the entire plot.
I don't know if it would qualify as YA or not. I use cursewords (less often than Salinger does for ballpark, mainly the main character has a foul mouth because he grew up poorfag) and there's significant sexual tension, although the most inappropriate thing that's happened is the main character checking out the heroine's panties. the target audience is women. But apparently Lev Grossman's Magicians is YA and he had his characters transform into arctic foxes and screw like rabbits, and had a lot of drug use, so mine isn't necessarily disqualified? Only using his as an example because mine will be a very similar genre and demographic, and the characters are a similar age.
Figuring out what genre shit fits into is mind-boggling.
Anyway it's commercial fiction, I think I hit all the bullet points. Love triangle, strong female lead who demonstrates agency and kicks ass, self-insertable world, handsome middle aged man you could picture being into BDSM. My aim is to get the female agents wet so they publish my fucking shit.

>>12438739
My body shall be a temple of science, and my mind even more so. The glorious powers of evokution, manifest as a living and thinking being. Is it not evolutions greatest triumph to weild its own tools for creation, and bend them to its will? Is it not the pinnacle of all life to surpass the mortal coil and rise far beyond the tallest tree, crush the mightiest mountain as if it were nothing? The human tale is the tale of the sentience of evolution, and I will make good on that power bestowed on me. To say that man creates unnatural things is heresy, for what is more natural than for a creature to adapt? Claws of bone replaced with claws of steal and silicon, far more powerful than any animal. A hide of iron impenetrable to a force ten times greater than any dumb beast. Man was not meant to obey rules, but to create them. I will become the first truly human creature, by rejecting my humanity I fulfill it.

>>12451046
Because it's easy to become infatuated with all of those complex systems and realize too late you don't know the first thing about yourself or the people around you, or people in general . We're all just somnambulists in the shared dream called reality, it doesn't really matter how any one person chooses to spend their time.

>>12455056
honestly, the four main cast members all started out as ripoffs, but they've evolved mentally into other characters that are ripoffs from entirely different series

now they're basically edward elric if he picked up cooking, a gender-swapped deku if he lived in the kickass universe, john from john dies at the end with hacking skills, and an MPDG mad scientist whose exact origin i can't place

My friends got angry at me when I told them that I don't like it when my sister wears a lace choker to church. Not sure how to feel about it

I am so tired. I have no drive towards anything, no real passion, no future, and to top it all off I'm legit stupid and can't even recognize nor appreciate beauty in any sense.
I don't know what's worth looking for in life, and I don't know how to find out. I'm wasting day by day, but I don't know what else should I do.
Strangely, I don't really want to kill myself though. Perhaps I'm just too much of a coward, or perhaps I've just grown so bored and mindless that I don't really care what happens either way. I feel as though I never really felt any emotions. I'm never happy, but I'm not sad either. I can't get angry and yet I don't know serenity.
What do

>>12438739
This board should be deleted or everyone should have to put on progressively more lethal shock collars to post here.

The tip of my penis is very hot and sensitive to my movements, it distracts me from what I'm doing.

how did we all end up here complaining about our lack of drive to do anything?

I remember when I read Nietzsche and I wanted to climb a mountain just for the sake of it. I felt nothing but it still was nice to 'want' something.

Wtf is this recent meme about glorifying sex workers

I feel so fucking cheated. What was this piece of shit about?

>>12457539
the goal isn't to glorify, it's to destigmatize.

sex is a big industry. its not just whores and strippers, but basically anyone involved in making porn. porn is a societal necessity. we can technically live without it, but its not a good life. sex workers are providing a much needed service, and desu, its both hypocritical and stupid to discriminate against people who provide services you depend on, especially if that service is a permanent stain on their reputation that cannot be removed

I don't know how to "get over" the time i've wasted.

I've wasted my twenties, i'm almost at the end of them and i've done literally nothing. All the experiences and oppurtunities i've lost, starting so far behind everyone else. I don't know how to explain it to people or come to terms with it myself.

>>12457790

>>12457553
Have you read Gravity's Rainbow?

How do I get somewhere to hire me? It's a toy store (Warhammer) and it's stupidly my dream job that I've wanted since childhood. I go there often, partake in what I can, help others, and try to come up with events to get more people there and having fun.

What else can I do?

>>12457790
>porn is a societal necessity. we can technically live without it, but its not a good life
u absolutely wot

>>12457790
>porn is a societal necessity
this is your brain on Youtube

is there a way to seperate myself from feeling?
i want to fuck with abandon and not have to worry about falling in love

>>12458069
Not yet, I'm reading Stoner now, but i'll read it right after. I hope it's as good as everybody here shills it because Bleeding edge was utter garbage.

>>12457790
>porn is a societal necessity

>>12458317
I asked because I read V. and The Crying of Lot 49 and I've been reading Gravity's Rainbow and GR is very much a "what the fuck is happening" kind of book compared to V. and tCoL49.
The prose is excellent, but I often wonder "for what?"

>>12451238
Walden

>>12457790
>production of the disembodied image of sex that dominates and destroys organic sexuality is a "social necessity"
riven by ideology

>>12457790
most unironically bluepilled post i've read in a while

I'd encourage anyone who is currently depressed or unhappy to leave this site immediately and not return. I used to be on /lit/ constantly and I've felt much better since I ceased browsing with regularity, I'm not as depressed, I'm getting stuff done, and I generally feel healthier. Any sort of solidarity you feel with the other depressed autists here is not worth the toll on your sanity, go now! If you are lonely and use 4chan for socialization go use things like irc or small forums instead. If you use it as way to alleviate boredom, read a book instead. Or workout. Or go for a walk. Do anything that allows you to _live_, that lets your soul sing and reaffirm your humanity.

Here's a browser plugin you can use to block sites. You can configure the time allowed (I suggest no more than 15 minutes, though you may have to work up to that if you are truly addicted to the web as many are), and you can enable a setting so you have to type a long random string in if you want to make changes--makes you less likely to cheat.
>http://www.bumblebeesystems.com/

Good luck and godspeed. You can do it.

>>12448266
Yikes. I'm guessing I'll be seeing you shitposting on here again in a few days

>>12457790
>t. john who fucks hookers

sorry i have not nor will i pay for sex, fuck sex workers and the depraved assholes who patronize them

>>12458694
best post

>>12457853
>>12458139
>>12458146
>>12458335
>>12458563
>>12459317

how long do any of you think you could go without masturbating? Be honest. One month? Two? Certainly not a whole year

>>12459352
i went 3 weeks once because I was depressed but that's beside the point, you dont need porn for that

I wish I could just fucking write without having to force it out turdlet by turdlet

>>12438755
I noticed it too but depending on context it the approach could be intentional / effective

but who am I kidding? this is 4channel.org. here we take every opportunity to say YIKES which is the hottest new meme

>>12459360
So you're saying you could go the rest of your life without porn? Even with no GF?

>>12459366
..yes m8, i wouldnt even think that was that crazy a proposition. I lived in apartment with no wifi for a year and didnt even think about porn

>>12459352
I once went a few months without masturbating, but I've gone 3+ years without porn. You don't need porn to masturbate.

>>12459372
>>12459381

So you're saying you could. Would you?

just rubbed my left eye because it was watering for some reason and it squeaked. Loudly.

>>12459366
dude i'm old enough to remember life before internet porn, yes many, if not most, people jacked it without pornos, or they had that one dingy copy of hustler they found in the homeless encampment down by the river, or some fuzzy vhs tape that had been copied five times and they could only watch when their parents weren't home since the only vcr was in the living room, etc. and everyone was fine, still bustin nuts left and right, but there did seem to be a lot less trannies around back then (same amount of gays tho)

>>12459407
do you live without it? Would you live without it for the rest of your life?

>>12459411
wackin is def better with porn, but it's better with less porn, when just seeing a naked chick posing in a solo scene is enough for a nice nut, or maybe some straight dick in vag sex, you only need to see 100 man bukake cum baths and mandingo gapes when you have watched far too much porno, that much is absolutely not necessary

>>12459419
that naked chick is still a sex worker. she is performing a service for you that you want, and you are insulting her for doing so. Do you need help understanding how that might be perceived as a dick move? Maybe an informative puppet show?

>>12459431
what if your gf sends you nudes
check and m8

>>12459432
The pretext of this was that you do not have a GF, as seen here >>12459366

So, would you live without without porn or a GF?

>>12459431
there's a difference between a professional porn actress and some greedy thot selling her nudes to creepy dads and underage horndogs on snapchat for cash

>>12438739
I have cancer and I want to kill myself. Bad people don't know.

I love her, but shes not real, not anymore. She was real a long time ago but I was foolish and ignorant. She's not real so I cannot love her, only obsess over her. I live my life now obsessing over someone who does not exist.
I love her, but shes not real, not ever. She was never real and I am a fool. She was never real and you cannot love what is not real, only obsess over it. I live my life now obsessing over someone I pretend was real.
I loved her, but shes not real, never was. I am a fool. I only obsess over obsessing about her even though she was never real. I live my life now writing out my obsession.
I obsess over her, but she was never real. I am not well. All I care about is what never was. I live my life having never loved.

I tell myself her face is warm and her eyes are rich but she is not real. She is smiling at me because I want her to. Now she is frowning because I think she is not real, she asks me what that means. Shes right here, she says. The only one here is me, im sorry im really sorry.

I love her, but shes not real, not anymore. She was real a long time ago but I was foolish and ignorant. She's not real so I cannot love her, only obsess over her. I live my life now obsessing over someone who does not exist.
I love her, but shes not real, not ever. She was never real and I am a fool. She was never real and you cannot love what is not real, only obsess over it. I live my life now obsessing over someone I pretend was real.
I loved her, but shes not real, never was. I am a fool. I only obsess over obsessing about her even though she was never real. I live my life now writing out my obsession.
I obsess over her, but she was never real. I am not well. All I care about is what never was. I live my life having never loved.

I tell myself her face is warm and her eyes are rich but she is not real. She is smiling at me because I want her to. Now she is frowning because I think she is not real, she asks me what that means. Shes right here, she says. The only one here is me, im sorry im really sorry.

I love her, but shes not real, not anymore. She was real a long time ago but I was foolish and ignorant. She's not real so I cannot love her, only obsess over her. I live my life now obsessing over someone who does not exist.
I love her, but shes not real, not ever. She was never real and I am a fool. She was never real and you cannot love what is not real, only obsess over it. I live my life now obsessing over someone I pretend was real.
I loved her, but shes not real, never was. I am a fool. I only obsess over obsessing about her even though she was never real. I live my life now writing out my obsession.
I obsess over her, but she was never real. I am not well. All I care about is what never was. I live my life having never loved.

I tell myself her face is warm and her eyes are rich but she is not real. She is smiling at me because I want her to. Now she is frowning because I think she is not real, she asks me to stop. So I do.

>>12459474
would you respect someone who sold naked photos of themselves?

>>12459467
would you respect someone who sold naked photos of themselves

>>12459493
son of a fuck

>>12459493
im a big fat retard, ya dig?

>>12459493
Shiiiieettttt

>>12459536
>>12459552
welp, there go all my valid arguments. thanks for playing, and thanks again to our sponsor ReCaptcha for randomly deciding to glitch out and make me switch to my phone.

good night everybody, and as always, stay hypocritical

When I think about the people who love me my nose burns, I know I am loved, but I won't let myself love. I just want to have a kind person I can better myself for, who I want to instead of know deeply, never learn everything about, but teach me everything about myself.

>>12440480
is your story over?
if so, then it has enough words.

>>12459395
source on that image

I was thinking the other day, whilst I read the comments section on an article posted on reddit from The Economist, that those things which sciety as a whole consider to be important are more often than not held to be more important than, in actual fact, they are, and that those things which society hold to be unimportant indeed are most often more important than society grants them to be, from which we can conclude that a constant state of re-evaluation is verily the only sensible course of action.

>>12440914
werewolf

I can only produce writing for authority figures. I don't particularly care what I'm writing about. Everything I've ever written has been written for a specific person whose preferences I learn through feedback. Yet, I love the feeling of writing. The words create all of these incredible feelings inside of me. Just watching them flow out from is enough of a reward. I can't believe that from every position available on Earth I possess one that allows me to translate what I hear inside of my mind into the mind of another. Can you hear me inside your head? Are you skimming this? What do I sound like? It feels like every time I read a sentence it sounds different. The sentence I just wrote sounds different. The sentence I just wrote sounds different. It doesn't come out as fast the second time.

Why do words like God produce such a sense in me? God is an awesome God he reigns from heaven above with wisdom power and love our God is an awesome God. What the fuck did the random deployment of baptist theology do to this ape? I remember the feeling of God so strongly. I remember waking up every day feeling like something was there. And then I stopped believing, and God went away. But then something changed. I didn't need to ground my feelings in anything anymore. Who care why anything makes me feel anything? Now my truth isn't anything but a feeling. What feels true changes with whatever situation I'm in. Now it feels like God is back but I don't believe in the God I once knew. So I just call it the God feeling and it sits inside of me and reactes when I do things that threaten my existence. It grows larger when I affirm my existence. But I like to push and threaten it. Maybe it's always been here. Now that it's come back in full force, part of me misses being suicidal. I just feel okay now. But it was so intense, every day was just pain pain pain but it felt like something. That crushing emptiness. I cherish its return when it returns.

>>12460220
But no matter what I seem to do the voice just keeps on running and running and it says things that I just ignore but sometimes it's not saying words its flashing images like seeing someone riding their bike go underneath my tires without any sort of applause or rhythm just slide underneath crushed. It could happen so fast and my life would just be over. Just shift my right hand down left hand a little bit. The car will drift over the sacred line that line I have to stay in that line. God the light is turning yellow and I have to judge the distance and I'm wondering if the car behind me is angry that I've slowed down while passing that bicyclist because I'm so scared of my brain moving the car in the direction of my eyes that I have to shut down the part that moves the car when I look anywhere but when that part shuts down so does the gas because I can't force myself to accelerate if I'm not in control.

Today I saw the world and it was a large figure flailing itself and part of the flail hit me and I fell down. And on my way down I say all the other people hit by the flail. The farther I fell, the greater a perspective I got. I fell so far that I saw all of him. His tremendous shuttering form flailing and flailing. But then I got close again and I saw that he was just rats, swarming and swarming over each underneath god's translucent skin. The rats couldn't see me through the skin. I'm trying to climb back in. I need to reach the flail so it can't hurt me. I have to join the rats in the arm. But I'm not a rat anymore. They can tell I'm not a rat. But I will eat garbage. I promise you I can be a rat.

Stagnation emptiness thank god I think that's it

>>12459467
supply and demand my friend, there are always cucks and desperate betas who are looking to pay and worship these thots, these women are just filling that demand. this isn't to say they don't have loose morals or deserve criticism, I mean you could make the same argument about a drug dealer, but it's an easy way for women to make cash, it's unfair men can never fall back on something that easy but life's never been fair and women have always had it easy

Sometimes I just want to get a camper and live in the woods but I know I'd miss my life. I also sometimes want to get a motorcycle but not die on it because people are jackasses with their yank tanks.

I also just want to play with my dogs.

>>12457790
good bait