/lit/ - Literature

>>12053806
>watches the bbc holmes once

>>12053806
That is possibly the worst thing I've ever read. Oh my fucking god

>>12053806
i cringed so hard i had to shart

>>12053806
this has to be a fucking joke

>>12053806

It reads like one of James Bond's exchanges with the foreign slut who invevitably betrays him after sex. Except the mystical perception that detectives and spies usually have in books, is instead applied to a writer and it just devolves into a power fantasy.

It actually would have been an interesting read if the aloof control began to fall apart and she seemed freaked out by it all.

>>12053806
Face it, this is the level Arthur Conan Doyle wrote at.

>>12053806
hot

>>12053806
i'm literally physically cringing

how embarrassing, red-dit at it´s finest

>>12053806
>to the library and step on it!

>>12053806
Holy.......I want more.

>>12053806
here im trying to write some crappy little novella about the downfall of a successful family and the plight of abandoned children and then there's this degeneracy

>>12053806
As I go out my house a flock of beautiful women start praising me. I hop onto my Lamborghini and run over a few of them.
"Sorry gals, I'm a writer. I need to read for my brain while I drive"
The police tried to make an issue out of this and attempted to arrest me. Thankfully I avoided getting handcuffed by doing a perfect back-flip at the right moment.
"How did you do that?" the poor uniformed sap said.
"How do you expect me to write if I'm not in shape? I'm a writer"
He blushed and offered me his wife. I said
"You know a writer is pretty busy? And I'm a writer"
He apologized and thanked me for the enlightening experience. It's hard being a writer

>be me
>standing in line at the Giant, waiting for a self-checkout stand to open
>arms full of baked goods I plan to pretend to pay for by only entering one item and then shoplift the rest since I live with my mother and have no job or money
>woman in front of me steps out of line to grab her misbehaving child
>teenager working the self-checkout: "Damn... I don't know whether to let you go next or have you wait for that woman"
>me, casually: "She's a coalburner"
>his face goes from shock to confusion and a host of micro expressions that reveal I am correct
>me: "Judging from the pigment of her child, which is of the saturated variety, she's engaged in sexual relations with an African American male for an extended period of time. How did I perceive such details? You see, I'm a writer"
>woman, returning: "my child is a little tan because we spent last week at the beach"
>cashier: "Please step back, it's this woman's turn. And you have to pay for those pastries, you know. You've stolen so many in the past month that the managers are beginning to notice"
>I walk off with a little shiver and a smile

>>12053875
>Ahh yes, how was Afghanistan?

Not even wrong

LOVE THE HUSTLE AND BUSTLE OF THE CITY COFFEE SHOP AFTER A QUICK SESSION OF ZELDA AND A CHAPO PODCAST

>>12053980
kek

That’s was the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever read.

I want to kill myself and my girlfriend for embarrassment and shame for all of human society

>>12054017
Actually I would never take her life. I would let her read this though and she would want me to.

The OP pic is seriously retarded. Like brain dead retarded. It’s for homosexuals and women exclusively

>>12053806
It's like sherlock holmes self insert fan fiction holyshit

>>12053806
How do I become this unaware? It seems nice.

>>12053806
>that feel when post reminds you of your own work years ago
>that feel when you notice spots of the same trash in your current writing
i want to ethnically cleansed

>>12053875
Nobody is arguing that its not but Doyle didn't fucking try to self-insert as his characters

>>12053980
top jej

This guy is a terrible writer even if this is real. Which is not

>>12053967
lol'd at the first line. good job, anon

>>12053980
condensed and based

>>12053806
We all know this would never happen, but, hypothetically speaking, what if it did? That guy would be a chad, right?

>>12054301
It would be creepy and the woman would probably ignore the stuttering retard.

Wrong. I imagine myself drunk off my ass listening to Lacrimosa in the dark.

>>12054301
>I told the barista to make the coffee hot
>huh? mind your own business
Then she walks off with a little shiver and a smile.

so is this how a red-ditor who goes to starbucks with a macbook and watches sherlock holmes thinks of himself?

omg

>>12053967
>He blushed and offered me his wife

lmfao anon

>>12053980
top

>>12053806
Just another case solved by the famous Sexlock Holmes.

>>12053980
amazing

>>12053806
>im a writer
>what can you tell me that no one else here would know?
This reads like Oblivion dialogue

>>12053980
excellent!

>>12053806
>become a writer just so you can write about yourself in scenarios where you'll swoon cuties
based

>>12053806
Typically, I stop reading if the stylometry is indicative of a low IQ person. I can tell right away that the individual responsible for this atrocity has at best an average or slightly above average IQ. The short sentences, the inane forced dialogue, and the painful deliberateness put into each word and sentence—as if this took significant effort to write and as if this was some masterpiece worth sharing—all can be gathered to surmise this was written by someone who is rather dull, at least relative to more intelligent posters on /lit/. Worse, this was supposed to be a recount of a real life scenario (which I severely doubt), to which the memory and the ability to to describe the events should be even easier to describe without any real effort or writer's block. The use of 'imperative' is out of place and clunky, a big word for a small brain dug out of a thesaurus. I stopped reading there. It's textual ditties like this that make me ponder if such people are NPCs. From skimming the rest, the end result amounts to flirtation and allusion to sex acts, which ties the knot that the reward of pleasure and the social reinforcement "SEX DUDE" and overt need to show that he is getting some, which perfectly fits into the model that he is a machine, a Skinnerian man compelled by primitive drives and past reinforcement of them rather than higher artistic striving. Bug factus est.

>>12053819
>i cringed so hard i had to shart

>>12054641
>now how can I tell all this? well you see, I'm a writer

>>12053806
This is what modern education is producing. One of the strongest black pills I've ever swallowed.

bdsm culture was a mistake

this is an accurate description of it

>>12053806
Normies can't write spaghetti prose.

>>12054017
>>12054023
woah you got a girlfriend man. why didn't you tell everyone sooner?

these are some next level douche chills

>>12054894
He's a writer

>>12054905
How did you know that? Are you a writer too?

first as a tragedy, then as a farce
>>/lit/thread/S7888675

>>12053806
10/10

>>12053806
Sounds like something written by bbc's sherlock.

Just passing through this thread

>>12055158
I like rough sex

>>12053966
You rewriting the Sound and the Fury?

>>12055388
Im a writer

>>12054301

It would only be possible if the guy was an omega chad and also obviously extremely rich

Or alternatively the girl is a 1/10 obese burn victim (women can get sex easily no matter what so the story still fits)

>>12054641
But your writing style is the same?

>>12053980
based and redpilled

>>12053806
This gave me cancer. Oh god, this was painful to read

sometimes i wonder if i'm delusional like this fella. what if the stuff i make, that i think are ok, are actually really bad. how do i know bros?

>>12053967
reddit
>>12053980
lol

Damn he really is a writer of the most compelling fantasy Facebook has ever known

>>12054641
Oh the irony

>>12053806
>how every /lit/fag imagines himself
No. They're not this bad. Also cringe.

>>12054925
I like this witch hunt

>>12053966
anon I just want to say that I read your post and an amazing book idea popped into my head so thank you.

>>12055538
Post it and allow us to judge. If we call you a faggot you're fine; reaction images should get you concerned.

>>12055549
>reddit
damn, well I tried

>>12053875
yeah no shit but he was one of the first to do so and kept his stories lightly entertaining with decent characterization, at least of the main characters. They also are nice period stories. This on the other hand is an awkward, poorly written, and incredibly uncomfortable self-insert narrative that this guy pulled out of his ass

Guys what if he's really a high level litfag and he wrote this as a humourous parody?

>>12056115
SHUT UP

>>12056120
No, I shan't

>>12056115
based

>>12053806

>>12053875
>wrote at.
fucking kek

autism overload

>>12053806
John Updike did the same shit just in better prose

>>12053980
perfection *mua* *mua* italian hand gestures

>>12053806

i cant read this, its too painful

>>12053806
nice
I wish I were him

>>12053980
whi is this jenyuinli funni to me

ITT: Failed authors

>>12056937
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo.

>>12057480
find another site to sully you evil coward

>>12053966
Not one person cares what you're writing, keep it to yourself. You're pretty close to the guy in OP's picture.

>>12056120
>>12057480
fucking reddit imports need to GO BACK

>>12053966
Imagine being this insecure about one's own writing.

>>12053980
Should have went to Wegmans instead.

>>12053806
>Author's self insert is the author himself
>in a first person perspective
Level of sincerity exceeded DFW

>>12053980
love it mate

>>12053967
>>12053980
bravissimo

>>12053980
10/10

>>12054641
Do you have a girlfriend :^)

>>12054641
B. Ased & R.E. & D Pilled

>>12053806
Jesus Christ...

>>12053980
based

I was genuinely disappointed that they both were taken. Expected him to shaft her right over the counter while the whole Starbucks gave him a standing ovation with tears of joy in their eyes.

>>12053806
did she shit or pee

>>12056456
What's updike?

>>12053980
now THIS is writing

>>12053806
Based

>>12054641

>>12053806
Who posted this on Facebook and why is their information shaded out? We need to determine how real this is

>>12053806
>"Dear Diary: yesterday some overweight creep sexually harassed me in local coffee shop. I'll probably inform my friends about that guy."

>>12058453
The only realistic outcome of that dialogue.

>>12058440
i googled a bit and found this reddit user that seemed to have been the first one to post it:
https://www.reddit.com/user/throwaway_a6x/comments/

there are a couple of other examples of his facebook writings from this user, until he got butthurt about people digging up the writers facebook, so the user stopped posting screenshots. but then this subreddit was created:
https://www.reddit.com/r/shiverbert

it looks to me to be a real guy

>>12058546

>>12053806
It is cancer but if you're not that perceptive, you might as well fuck off back to /b/, you fucking Pleb.
t. Youkai-hunter

>>12058618
The hell is this, mad libs?

>>12057927
girls don't poop, silly anon

>>12058618
Why is she so sure about my not of this world?

I was waiting in the lecture hall at my college. It was the day of our midterm exam. The weather outside was frightful, but the heated classroom was delightful.

“Hello, Dave,” said Sheila. She sat down next to me with a smile on her face. The chairs in the lecture hall were old and squeaky, so as Sheila sat down, her chair made a loud creak. I laughed and said, “Did you eat too much cholent, Sheila?”

Sheila was blushing. Her face turned a bright shade of pink.

“I didn’t mean to embarrass you,” I said. “I just thought the sound was funny.”

“I’m not blushing because of the sound,” said Sheila, biting her lower lip. “I’m just turned on by your Axe body spray.”

“Oh, really?” I asked. I could smell her juices all the way from my seat.

“Oh yes, baby. What scent is it?”

“Swagger. It came from a variety pack I got as a Hanukkah gift from my Aunt Christine.”

“Shabbat Shalom, Mr. President!” cried Sheila, apparently in ecstasy. She thought it was sexy. I thought otherwise.

“Sheila, you are not Jewish and you can never be. It’s not appropriate for you to use Hebraic phrases, especially out of context like that.”

“I’m sorry, Dave, I didn’t mean to-”

“You didn’t mean to what!?” I exclaimed. “You didn’t mean to insult my culture and my religious beliefs? I’m sorry, Sheila, but what we had is now over.”

“Dave, baby, honey, sweetie, please take me back,” sobbed Sheila as she fought back a torrent of tears. She broke out into a full wail. I decided to lighten the mood before our classmates started to take notice.

“I can’t and I won’t. If I’m not a man of my convictions and my God, then what am I? I’m certainly not a mouse!”

Even though Sheila was trying to wipe the streaks of mascara from her cheek, she couldn’t help but giggle at my joke. It was a good one. Rabbi Leibowitz taught it to me long ago.

>>12058618
>tfw not ever assumed to be an alien by a random woman

>>12058618
http://www.azrockandroll.com/az-rock-stars/mitchell-hillman/

>>12053806
>he was entirely off base
>she played along out of fear
Asserting his dominance I see

>>12058670
*tips fedora*

>>12055640
Accurate post

>>12058677
>tfw never had exactly identical conversations down the female side of a family tree

Why even live

>>12058618
lol summer

>>12058546
I see, thank you very much.

>>12058453
But the microexpressions

>>12058670

These have to be fake but why is he representing them as real occurrences??!!

>>12058670
based
god i wish i were a jewish neonazi

>>12058546
Ha, this guy's such an insufferable faggot. It's one thing to be smug about one's intelligence, and another to gloat about it on a virtual social platform.

>>12058716
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pathological_lying

>>12058733
i have this problem, i lie about shit all the time for absolutely no reason. I lie for manipulative reasons of course as well, but ill just make up some story out of the blue, not even knowing where it's going, it's second nature to me

>>12058670
>mfw I genuinely think Axe smells alright but am afraid people will think I'm using it for attention

>>12054641
I genuinely hope this isn't ironic. It's okay if this anon does it because he's not chasing after stupid roasties.

>>12053806
What the fuck is with that false "intellectual" air that normalfaggots put on?

This thread has inspired me. Illusory superiority is legit hilarious.

Why do al his "anecdotes" are about him flirting with girls ?

>>12058779
Actually, it's legit abhorrent.
>>12058780
Maybe he jerks off too much?

>>12058760
What the fuck is with that false "intellectual" air that /lit/tards put on?

>>12058818
What the fuck is with that false "intellectual" air that 12058818 puts on?

>>12053980

>>12053980

>>12057596
This

>>12054641
Unironically based and redpilled

>>12053806
This story is an instructive example of what befalls the man who prides himself on the impression he makes upon women, who, like the coarsest backworld savage, are susceptible to the grossest superstition and amazed at the slightest advantage in perspicuity. Any man with the power of vision could pierce the shallow waters of the beachfront to see shells lurking in the sand, but woman, dazzled by the sunlight reflecting off of the waters cannot do even this, and so she is so easily exposed by the most trivial glance of a man, that is, if he does not mistake the empty, dumb look on her face for depth. The man who takes success in the courtship of such creatures as the mark of genius is like the magician who has become convinced by the look of his dumbfounded audience that his sleight of hand and showmanship are supernatural powers granted only an elect few on earth born of a goddess.

don't mind me just posting in legendary /lit/ bread

>>12054358
lol'd

>>12053980
God damn genius

>>12055463
You like rough sex

>>12053980
witnessed

>>12053875
It's true...

ciomna ya noc

>>12053966
>here im trying to write some crappy little novella about the downfall of a successful family
So... Buddenbrooks?

>>12055538
If you have to ask...

>>12057947
Nothin'.
What's up with you, breeder scum?

>>12058742
A small amount of the milder ones (like a single spray, held from a distance) is fine for a daily scent. It's no different than Old Spice or Dove that every normie wears.
It's better than being that guy who coats his t-shirt and shorts with expensive cologne for his 9AM lecture and makes everyone in the room sick.

>>12053806
This guy seems based actually, I bet she got so wet at that

>>12060811
/r/books

>>12055538
you are.

>>12055538
You're close to breaking through, anon

>>12053806
The first part is fine
Totally possible but the whole rough sex part was kinda stupid I guess
I dunno man sometimes people say and do things you will never imagine
God knows it happened to me countless times

>>12055538
You stupid fuck
You don’t give a shit
If it’s working great if not try something else
Communicating is not fucking rocket science

>>12054641
cringe but red pilled

>>12053806
>covered up identity
these motherfuckers need to be named and shamed

>>12058741
Congratulations, you are mentally ill.

>>12053806
Whoever wrote this dumb story needs to be physically removed for the good of society.

>>12053806
unbased and cringepilled

>>12053806
>Inb4 everyone clapped
>Inb4 someone handed me 100$ for being so cool

>>12054610
Have you heard of the high elves?

>>12063355
I've been better. How about you?

>>12058660
Schizophrenia does strange things to the misn.

>>12057480
is it 2008 again?

>>12053806
Thats the whitest thing i have ever read, you just know exactly the type of white man wrote that

"I'll have a coffee"
"Howd you notice?" I laughed
"What's there not to" she said.
I didn't understand. We waited in silence.

A message came from beyond. Like the primordial ohm with white noise.

"I'll have a coffee with--"
"Me." I interrupted

She smiled coquettishley.

"You're a writer" she smiled
"I have a combination of schizophrenia and BPD"

She grabbed her crotch and began to moan. "I'm a writer" she said, breathing heavily.

"What do you know?" I asked, hesitatingly and with fear.

"I know that you have a combination of schizophrenia and BPD."
She squeezed her jeans at the crotch, palm upon the tightened frock.
"This has happened before" I thought to myself. But when?

"But this is not a coffee shop. Else whence the sound of turbines?"she said, her nipples hardening through her shirt

Wryly, I turned my head.

"I too am a writer" said the flight attendant.

>>12063581
10/10 would watch if directed by david lynch

i love the ken m's of this world.

>>12063581
This is the greatest thing I've ever read

>>12063581
Kek

>>12063581
Kino.

I had left the tag on my macbook pro hoping no one would notice. Almost spilling my vanilla bean vegan latte onto my cargo shorts I exclaimed:

"Gosh!"

Being careful not to utter any profanity as to not leave a poor impression on the people of Starbucks. The waitress arrives at my table 3 minutes later than usual, but I let it slide. She had no make up on her face and her eyes were sunken and half shut, I decided against letting her know she was still beautiful despite these imperfections as she was late and did not deserve it. She leaves and I go back to writing my novel, brushing the crumbs from my beard. Another lady walks past in a hurry, headed towards the bathroom. I see her drop her purse and I reach out to catch it just a few seconds too late grasping at the air above it, almost falling out of my seat in the process. The contents of her purse spilled out on the floor so I start to help her pick them up.

"It's okay, it's okay" she says

"It's fine I am glad to help" I respond

Upon picking up her tampons I say:

"My girlfriend uses the same ones! You must have a wideset vagina! I know because I'm a writer!"

She doesn't respond and hurries to the bathroom, probably to drop a deuce. I consider moving away from the bathroom doors but decide not to, as to avoid making a scene.

>>12053875
I broke out in an audible guffaw.

>>12063581
fund it

>>12053806
If this were from /lit/ it would be more depressing and self-pitying.

>>12063581
would read more

>>12055538
thats what critique is for retard

>>12058546
Wait is this nigga for real all along?

A young woman runs out of the coffee shoppe's womens' bathroom screaming as I order a sum of coffees that approaches ∞ and mourn all my innumerable dead ancestors on my father's side of the family. Nobody pays attention to the screaming woman, so I slip on a small dress and enter the womens' bathroom to smoke a cigarrette. I finish the cigarrette because I am a writer and run out of the bathroom screaming. As I leave the shoppe I notice a young man with a pained face ordering a sum of coffees approaching ∞.

>>12064403
high iq posting

>>12063581
Brilliant

>>12063581
based

>>12064403
There are too many women in this story

>>12053806
how it really went down:
>"Miss, I told the barista to make your coffee hot, since I figured..."
>"Yeah, that's what I ordered. Coffees are supposed to be brewed hot. I would have said 'iced' if I would have had extra wishes.", she said adding "Creep!" in her mind.
>OP shuddered and smiled embarrassed.
>"I will change a few details when I'll write about this situation tonight.", he thought.

what a fucking train wreck

>>12053966

You can use OP's scene as the impetus for your mildly-alcoholic housewife's decision to finally leave her husband, sending the family into chaos and poverty.

>>12058437

>it's definitions

>>12053928
>holy.....I want more
This response and the original image will forever haunt my nightmares

>>12053980
another (You) to this fantastic post

>>12060799
Oh dear God, I hope this isn't me. I have basically lost my sense of smell so I have absolutely no idea. I literally have no idea how much deodorant I should use because no matter how much I put on I cannot smell it myself.

>>12053806
i shiggydiggy

>>12067218
u wot m8

>>12067266
smells new in here

>>12053967
No way this is real.

>>12067361
I'm starting to suspect the same thing, anon

What are the worst parts for you? The unnecessary use of imperative and the fact it takes 30 seconds for him to come up with that bullshit.

Honestly, 30 seconds is way too long to stand and look at someone. She'd freak for sure.

>>12063581
i read this twice.

>>12055502
>>12055583
>>12057828
Are you some retarded samefag or were there actually 3 guys here that thought that didn't realize the dude was fucking around?

>>12053806
Holy...

I want more

>>12063581
>She grabbed her crotch and began to moan. "I'm a writer" she said, breathing heavily.
>"What do you know?" I asked, hesitatingly and with fear.
amazing

>>12053819

>>12058546
>Here's a free coffee
>I want to make his coffee, it's free btw ;)
>I gotta hook you up with free coffee some time dude
>I leave tomorrow so here's some free coffee
>Here's a full stampcard so you can get a free coffee tomorrow

in what country does coffee only come in two forms, hot and cold?

>>12067266
yikes
shiggy isn't even that old

This is clearly a mental disorder of the highest degree. Does this guy actually believe that women are walking around memorizing hair styles of men?

Fucking weird, right?

>>12069160
god i wish that were me

>>12069160
cocaine and pixie fan. livin the lyfe right here

honorable mention
>the outside world
>which I regularly frequent like a normal human being
>being outside is fun haha amirite, fellow normies?

>>12069160
I think youre correct. This dude is probably not all together upstairs. It seems like he does have some kind of sincere interest in cultivating interfaith tolerance and acts of spontaneous kindness. Im pretty worried about his fantasies of encountering strangers and the tears flowing though, i hope our friend is doing okay.

>>12053980
You are a redpilled devil, aren't you?

I am a writer! I love to write!

>>12058741
Yeah me too. I think of something funny that could have happened based on things that I saw and say the story happened to an acquaintance. Works wonders.

>>12058741
same here, I hate it and I want to stop doing it, but I just do it automatically, without thinking

>>12069344
>>12069347

Wow i seriously grew out of this habit in like 8th grade. Its easier to sniff out bullshit than you guys think. I notice people doing it all the time. Its better to just be boring and be believed.

>>12069354
I'm more than aware of that. As I said, I want to stop.

>>12069354
Unless you are delusional like the guy in OP, the more you lie the better you become at it. The reason people get caught telling fake stories is because they want to one up other people stories. Dont do that.

>>12069368
I just do cool shit. Its a lot more work but uh, at least im the real deal.

>>12058741
why would you do that?

>>12069380
Why do stand-up comedian craft jokes instead of uuuuh being themselves?

>>12070164
This one might be real
>>12069392
There is nothing terrible about your life, anon. Just relax and tell the truth :)

If anyone wants a quick rundown.

>>12053806
unironically god wish that was me

>>12072101
make a new one with me in it and then post it to reddit

>>12053806
FUCK this guy for writing that

what the FUCK did i just read ahhhhhhh

go to 9:14 is the url stamp doesn't work https://youtu.be/nlW54NTzm-I?t=554

>>12070164