/lit/ - Literature

>>11983394
Every fucking time. I try and have a nice chili dog at the local library with my qtarthoegf, and they never restock the condiments. What's the point of employing the downs girl, if not to shirk all remedial jobs directly to her? It never fucking ceases to amaze me. Last time, they ran out of relish before I could finish a single chapter. The library is a homeless shelter for the literate; I earned this right... Feed me

go back to /tv/, mememan

>>11983394
>library ran out of female sex slaves
>go to the help desk to complain
>they offer me a trap

>finish my daily 1 chapter of candide
>get ready to hit the library showers (unisex of course)
>suddenly a man detains me by the arm
>"sir you left relish all over the floor"
>i wink at him
>"keep the change"

Sorry sir, The Clüb /lit/ Library has a no-singles policy. Either get a date or get out.

>Library ran out of copies of Kierkegaard's works
>read Nietzsche and Camus instead

>ketchup
>on a hotdog

>Keep getting the library chili all over the books i'm reading

I wish I wasn't born retarded

>>11983394
The elf on the shelf hid the books I returned and they're overdue, how do I get that little bastard to tell me where they are? I don't get to use my library card with the trap until my account is settled.

I'm from France. Is this what American libraries are actually like?

>book dispenser's card reader is broken
>didn't bring any quarters

>library masseuse ran out of lotion
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a massage WHEN YOU RUN OUT OF GODDAM LOTION YOU FUCKING WHORE

>library oven ran out of zyklon b

REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

>>11983394
>Librarian is Liberian

>Library ran out of based and redpilled books
>Go back home to post 2hu on r/banter
>Keep on wondering why I still don't have a 2D grlfriend (male), despite not changing my habits in the last two years

>at the corner table in the library reading Gravity's Rainbow disguised with a Sport's Illustrated magazine from 4 years ago
>reading the poo eating scene
>start getting a boner
>suddenly I hear a jingling from behind the book shelf
>it's the fucking library jester
>break into cold sweat
>he starts walking by and I play it cool so he doesn't take note of me
>I'm visibly shaking
>he sees me
>starts walking towards me
>HEY ANON WHATCHA READING
>tears start welling in my eyes
>"TWO MORE TURDS..." HEY EVERYONE CHECK OUT THIS COOL BOOK ANON IS READING!
>I throw both the book and magazine as hard as I can and run for the door, crying
>slam into the door face first
>it's a pull, not a push
>make it home and don't leave my bed for 36 hours
I haven't been to the library ever since

>>11983987
Yes, in America there are hotdogs in the libraries, and cake in the elevators

>>11984626
ugh dude you're supposed to bully the jester not let him bully you

>>11984250
Booooo

post yfw a DYER only checks out lmao2books

wtf is the library jester

>>11984723
>his library can't even afford a jester
lemme guess, you have to bus your own troughs too don't you

>>11983394
>library WiFi got shut down because of porn complaint again

>>11984739
>implying libraries main role in the 21st century isn't to give homeless ppl access to porno

>banned for subvocalizing again

>old ladies making out in the ornithology aisle forcing me to crawl under then again

>>11984901
Every third Friday, I fucking swear

>library falcon keeps stealing my hotdogs

>muslims praying in the paranormal romance section again

>indians slopping curry over the library computers again

>>11984626
>>suddenly I hear a jingling from behind the book shelf
fucking suspense

>>11985127
what jurisdiction do you live in? they replaced our falcons with spider monkeys after that shit went down at the Kansas Main with DFW, the diaper and the falcon back in '99

>>11983987
>mfw pierre goes hungry at the libary
What do you even pay taxes for

>>11985222
welfare for Abdul and his four wives (this actually happens in France)

>>11983800
>Being a filthy hydeposter

>>11984502
>Admitting you use Lebbit on 4chan

>>Some filthy fucking Pak Protector sitting in the isle eating tree of life root and reading
>Getting fucking tree of life virus fucking EVERYWHERE
>>Steals my Homo habilis qt gf and chases me off with his superior intellect and knobby joints

EVERY FUCKING TIME. I AM GETTING SO SICK OF THIS FUCKING SHIT AHHHHHHH!!!

>library necromancer starts summoning ghosts of authors again
>tfw he summons DFW right as I'm reading Oblivion
>play it cool
>couple minutes pass by, feel gentle tapping on my shoulder
>"H-hello there anon. Not to pontificate but I would like to remind you how important the footnotes are. Y-you do read footnotes right?"
>nod my head awkwardly
>when he gets up and leaves, librarian lady yells something about shoes to him

>tfw don't take public transit so have to cause accidents to tell people I read IJ in the car while I listen to Madonna

>It's librarians schizophrenic rambling episode again

>Library town crier is off for two weeks because he lost his voice
How will I know what books to buy now?

>library priest sprinkling holy water everywhere again

>>11985322
r/banter is a byword for /bant/, the designated gayposting board. Then again, I wouldn't expect /v/edditors to know about it.

>>11985343
based, loved how you used pontificate

>>11983800
what the ever loving fuck is wrong with you, you disgusting worm

>>11983454
Goddamn it Robert, I came here to escape your tyranny

>looking to read some faulker
>As I Lay Dying in library's special deal pile
>they pay me five bucks to take it
>based
>go home and crack it open
>it's shit
>now people stop coming to my house once they see faulkner on my shelf
>my landlord has been more distant and is looking for ways to evict me
>try to return the book with the money and they say it's my problem now
the bastards tricked me

>>11983394
>the library's hallways transitioned again
>haven't felt natural light on my skin for well over two weeks
>keep walking in circles and falling upon the same 70 meter row of shelves which house only copies of the same book compiling all of Plato's disgarted poetry
>the poetry isn't even that good
>have to feed on the bugs coming from between the pages of Metamorphosis and the shit smeared on the spines of Gravity's Rainbow
>The copies of 100 Days of Sodom keep producing giggles and moans
>i constanly have to be on the look-out for the rattling of the librarian
>i fall asleep hearing to the distand echoes hentai which the black kids are jerking off to

somebody please get me out i swear that i'll never read again

>kids at school laughed at me for being dumb
>jokes on them, now I work at the library making the kebabs
>so who's smart now?

>the dwarfs in the self-help section breached the containment field again
>every copy in the heart of darkness shelf now replaced with cabbages

>Library Gargoyle keeps snickering and throwing m&ms at me while I try to read.

>go to the library on the first of October
>pick up a book
>all the pages fall on the ground
>mfw it's fall again
>every fucking year

now I have to pick them up and sort them while being careful not to mix them with another book's pages

>>11984739
>his library doesn't have a porn section
sucks to be you

>>11986156
Oh, it's you anon. Come right in.

>>11986212
if you catch exactly four of them in your mouth (in a row) he'll leave you alone.

>charismatic Pentecostals holding services in the interdenominational library chapel again
>one of their rattlesnakes escapes and bites one of the library sex slaves in her cage
>people line up to take turns fucking her corpse
>some dude shoves a library hot dog in her anus
>the rattlesnake is now lurking in the showers
>everyone is all smelly from corpse fucking and can’t even shower

>>11983987
>he doesn’t know what a Frybrary is

Your continent is a fragile antique, a vestigial limb of the dying world

Yeah yeah yeah

But they really do have library hot dog stands. They have one at the Denver public library and various others at different libraries throughout cities.

>>11984901
>get kicked out when I start reciting the Iliad from memory

>tfw I see newcomers to the library
>out of total inconvenience to my peace I overheard entire conversation word for word how they want to read philosophy
>librarian tell them where German idealists are
>my blood is boiling, I visibly go red
>they pick up the fucking Nietzsche of all fucking things as first philosophy book they will ever read
>thinking to myself that they are just edgy nihilist retards seeking confirmation
>either way canttakeitanymore.jpg
>stand up and decide to go to them
>but before that I pick up the pre-Socrates and Greek philosophy books
>With Republic in one hand I smack one of the shits in the noose breaking it
>blood is coming out of that broken smart asses noose, the Gay Science is covered in blood
>With Odyssey in other hand I trow it into the abdomen of other retard
>he vomits on the impact
>both of them piss themselves
>ithinktheyfinallylearned.jpg
>say to them that you fucking start with Greeks and don't skip the cannon faggots
>911 comes in
>asks what happened
>after everything is explained I get reparation from two faggots for causing me distress

>>11987660
based

>>11983394
please go back to >>>/fit/ and >>>/tv/

>>11988213
hmm

no

>>11986855
>spreading myths
All gargoyles are assholes, case closed

>>11988857
Ok then kys newfag

>>11988914
hmm

no

>>11988917
You don’t belong here and neither does anyone who posted in this thread nigger, go back you’re unwelcome

>>11988922
You just posted itt, now gtfo

>>11988922
hmm

I would prefer not to

>>11983987
>eurocucks don’t have library hotdog stands
Holy shit is this bait? I knew you guys were backwards but this is barbaric

>>11988926
>>11988937
you should both kys’s you’re bad people at your core, nothing to say, flagging spirits in the dawn of your lives and already worth less than ten sacks of shit from the turn of the last century, humans age badly now, look here’s proof! Hmmm no hmmm i have to feign thought but no, yeaaah that would be greaaaat if you could ummm hmmm like no? Could you not? Could you maybe find it within you to fucking kill yourselves? thanks sweetie ok mmmhmmm kill yourself.

>>11988954
imagine being this mentally ill

>library goblins trying to steal my gold and rape my gf again

I won’t let them get her this time

>>11988960
>he’s never been on the internet before
now you know

>>11983800
You dont put ketchup on a hotdog? wtf
Go read Ayn Rand you disgusting subhuman

>>11983454
h-haha yeah i know, is just that m-my partner is already in haha, i swear

>>11989109
Mind calling her?

>in vacation
>go to an american library
>i bring my Pizarnik sexdoll so i can pass the "no singles policy"
>finally in
>the library in hosting a "ben shapiro conference"
>in the first two floors there is riots so i decide to take the elevator
>finally in the third floor i walk through the bookshells
>there is only ayn rand literature and self help books
>i see a guard and i ask him where do i find some books by Sartre
>he calls me a "Manlet faggot" and start screaming at me
>i try to go away but suddenly a guy with an dressed as Camus kicks the door and start shooting at everyone
>i die
>mfw a dumb Camus LARPer ruined my day again

>>11983394
>go to uni library to study for midterm exams
>I'm still there at 11 when things are beginning to wind down
>notice other students have been checking their watches nervously
>don't think much of it, still too much to do
>realize its 1AM before I remember why everyone gets so nervous in the library at night
>hear the pattering feet of small creatures emanating throughout the building
>the lights go out
>oh jesus no
>little tiny Peter Dinklage-like snickers start emanating from the vents
>start to gather my things quickly
>the Library attendant has already armed themselves with an armored chastity belt as they quickly exit the building
>realize I'm locked in
>hear one of the vents pop open
>I'm downstaits near the entrance at this point, trying to find a window to break open so I can escape
>the sound of tiny pattering feet get louder and louder, closer and closer to me as I get more frantic
>eventually I hear the dragging of a massive fleshy thing accompanying the sounds of feet an Peter Dinklage-like snickering
>just as I'm about to open the window and escape, I see it's silhouette in the dim light standing on the shelf of the women's studies section at the front of the lobby
>standing three feet tall, musclebound, and with a massive hairy cock at full mast, the University rape dwarf looms over me
>I hear he's also a student in our Game Design program
>cackling with laughter and propelled by a massive fart, he rockets towards me cock first
>as my ass is mercilessy penetrated my screams go unheard, the somber portrait of the school president looming over me

not again

Checking out Anon?
That'll be $4.99 plus tip.
And I'll need your proof of GF.
Anon, you have a GF right?

>>11989408
I love this place

>>11989408
>crab legs

/diy/ here, STOP APPROPRIATING OUR MEMES

>>11989408
How does he get out from behind the desk without knocking over the books?

>>11989668
nigga jumps

>go to local barnes and noble
>enter coffee shop and look at the mural of authors all of them have
>mumbling to myself.."no proust, tolstoy, shakespeare.
>order coffee
>throw it in baristas face
>"that's what you get for being a normie!"
>REEEEEEEEEE

This thread has most certainly upset my valve

>go to the beach to enjoy a day of relaxation by myself
>arrive early and bring a couple books with me, plan to stay most of the day
>not many people on the beach as its still quite cold out
>decide to go in for a dip before the masses arrive
>cold, but not so bad and I have a swim shirt as im a complete beta
>treading water when I feel a disturbance in the water under me
>gives me a shock and I look down but nothing was there
>figure it was probably a fish but that seems improbable
>hear muffled giggles
>oh no
>peter dinklage helicopters his penis and propels himself up from his watery lair and snatches my legs
>I am helpless as he drags me down to the depths of the ocean and into his underwater cavern home
>he throws me on the floor and inserts his meatshark into my vulnerable body and has his way with me
>I black out
>wake up on the beach with my trousers gone and an anus the size of a wine bottle
>the bottom end
>normies are laughing at me and i run back to my car crying
>look out window of car and see them reading my copy of Ayn Rands' 'The Fountainhead'
>they are laughing still
>mfw the rape dwarf ruined my special day out at the beach

>>11987660
>tfw started with Nietzche

I simply LOVE this thread

>>11989891
I’M OLD GREG

how do you guys deal with hexes? I'm overdue on a book I lost and the library fired their warlock. if I pay the replacement fee, will the curse be lifted?

>go to city library to get a Latin coursebook
>ask for help at the counter, they just give me a dungeon key and tell me to plumb the depths
>can't read the shelf glyphs, use the scouring cane like a pleb
>get stuck at the sphinx's riddle until a homeless ugandan walks by and tells me the answer
>finally find the book I want, the pages are coated in fur, accidentally shave the letters off

>go pick a book from the shelf
>have to watch a 2,5 minute advertisement before the shelf is unlocked

>>11983800
truly epic sam hyde post my man haha praise KEK! xD

>>11983454
> Amerifats literally have a no singles policy in cinemas now because they can't be trusted with guns

>>11983987
Are you serious?
It's a meme that similar stems from the "cinema showers" meme implying that americans need showers at the cinema and food at the library because they're not real adults.

> the library zoo is closed again

>>11989668
nah he knocks over the books each time

>library conductor out of rhythm
made me miss a paragraph

>tfw penis inspection day at library

>>11988950
Some do, but most don't have a hotdog license

>>11990317
no, no, NO NO NO NO NO

>>11983394
>try to enter the "dead white male" section of the library
>it's guarded by a sphinx with thr head of DFW
>have to solve it's riddle in order to pads
>shows me a copy of A Broom in thr System, Infinite Jest and The pale king
>asks me which of the books before me is the greatest
>I pause
>the sphinx looks at me smugly
>after I while I say he must be mistaken
>he doesn't understand
>instate that all the books before me are lacking any discernable talent, and in fact make Stephen King look like Cervantes
>shocked by the truth, the sphinx removes it's bandanna and uses it to hang himself
>finally I can pass
>all the books in the dead white male section are gone
>the only one left is the complete poetry of Hart Kane
>mfw I realize I've been tricked
>tfw I cah hear Harold Blooms muffled laughter from somewhere in the library

>>11984626
>Not fucking the library jester

>several shitty but substantial threads got deleted since this shit was posted

>>11989492
I love stale memes by cross-boarding pseud retards newfags too

>>11992049
me three :)

>>11992033
>>11992049
I’m telling the rape dwarf on you

>>11989408
richard, good sir, could you by any chance direct me to the chuck tingle section?

>>11992049
>He's PROUD of being an uncultured, backwards, monoboarder

>>11983800
Chicagofags pls go

>girlfriend set off the library p-zombie defector

>>11990182
depends on the library t b h

>tfw the library gremlins shit in my backpack while Im not looking again

>>11983394
>when the dewey decimal demons break out of their reference desk pentagram

not like this

>>11993517
>dewey decimal demons

>>11992033
>library janitor is malfunctioning again

>homeless guy fappin at the kiosk hips you to a new porno site

hell ya

>>11992033
>I hate fun

>>11992326
Trash
>>11993828
this is a meme grafted onto this board by tourists from /fit/ and /tv/ and its fucking awful for a number of reasons

>>11993834
>i HATE fun

>>11985334
Tanj, I swear I have to blast three of 'em with my digger tool every week. They'll turn me into a schitz if I have to keep dealing with this shit

>someone dog ears a book
>in public

>the library rapist corners you and whispers Macbeth lines in your ear

>denied entry because I don't meet the minimum 60,000 word vocabulary size

>they’re doing searches
>they start pulling action figures out of your pockets

>bouncer checks my diploma
>not top 5 humanities
>denied entry

>>11990930
underrated post

>library is closed for not meeting homeless quota again

/lit/ can't meme you all have an awful fucking sense of humor, and worse still you're aping two other worse boards. congratulations you played yourselves, you dumb niggers

>>11994444
shhhh

>library janitor got dabbed on and killed himself again
s-should I apply?

>have money
>never been to a public library since the late 90's
>amassed a large collection of books, a library if you will, at my own home

>>11983800

>>11983919
congratulations: you are the first bad post in this thread

>>11995934
Will you allow me to purchase, say, a piece of documentation that allows me to visit this library?

>spectre of harold bloom laughed at my penis again while using the library commode

BBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

snnnnniiiiiiffffffffffff...oh yes my dear....sssnnnnnnnnnnnniiiiiiiiffffffff....quite pungent indeed...is that....dare I say....sssssssnniff...eggs I smell?......sniff sniff....hmmm...yes...quite so my darling....sniff....quite pungent eggs yes very much so .....ssssssssssssssnnnnnnnnnnnnnnniiiiiiiffffff....ah yes...and also....a hint of....sniff....cheese.....quite wet my dear....sniff...but of yes...this will do nicely....sniff.....please my dear....another if you please....nice a big now....

BBBBBBRRRRRRRAAAAAAAPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPFFFFFF

Oh yes...very good!....very sloppy and wet my dear....hmmmmm...is that a drop of nugget I see on the rim?...hmmmm.....let me.....let me just have a little taste before the sniff my darling.......hmmmmm....hmm..yes....that is a delicate bit of chocolate my dear....ah yes....let me guess...curry for dinner?....oh quite right I am....aren't I?....ok....time for sniff.....sssssnnnnnnniiiiiiiiffffffff.....hmmm...hhhmmmmm I see...yes....yes indeed as well curry......hmmm....that fragrance is quite noticeable....yes.....onion and garlic chutney I take it my dear?.....hmmmmm....yes quite.....

BBBBBBRRRRRRRRPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTT Oh I was not expecting that…that little gust my dear….you caught me off guard…yes…so gentle it was though…hmmmm…let me taste this little one…just one small sniff…..sniff…ah….ssssssnnnnnniiiiiffffffffffff…and yet…so strong…yes…the odor….sniff sniff…hmmm….is that….sniff….hmmm….I can almost taste it my dear…..yes….just…sniff….a little whiff more if you please…..ssssssnnnnnniiiiiffffffffff…ah yes I have it now….yes quite….hhhhmmmm…delectable my dear…..quite exquisite yes…..I dare say…sniff….the most pungent one yet my dear….ssssnnnnniiiifffffffffffffffffffffff….yes….

>>11987270
Underrated.

>The library gnome found my poems

>library whore starts addressing me by my first name

> The library knights declared a holy war for the theology section again

>come to libraries stip clup
>all these sexy ass ladies dressed in famous novel characters
>go to one of them
>leave 1000 bucks in her panties
>"ya looking good Ana Karenina"
>repeat for every lade
>leave immediately for those mystery points
Yup *sips* still got it.

I work in a library where we aren’t allowed to ask patrons to quiet down unless we receive a noise complaint, aside from some dumb policies, poor management, bad hours, inadequate pay, and faulty wiring it’s a decent job. I don’t have to pay fines :)

>the MENSA gang sees me walking out of the library with fiction in my bag
>one of them says something under his breath and they all start laughing while pointing at me
>heard the qt librarian girl giggle with them
It's over lads

>>11997091
just beat them up lmao
or throw them into the stemlet pit

>library pig wasn't in the mood again

>>11987496
t. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LYYlWlLiKvs

>>11989830
underrated

>>11990124
>tfw started with Deleuze

>library bartender runs out of whiskey

Go back to /tv/eddit.

>Grandmaster librarian slaps my The Trial by Franz Kafka off my hands
>He tells me it's sphincter strengthening day
>He pulls out some pro high endurance sphincter trainers from his Librarianpack
>"E-Excuse me......im a begginer"
>Pulls out a Paw Patrol™ x Schopenhauer™ Baby's first Sphincter
>Do all my repetetions
>"DO THEM RIGHT OR GET OUT OF THE LIBRARY"
>Do the repetitions all over again
>My ass is sore
>Try to get back to kafka
>Ass is so sore i feel like in reading Alfred North Whitehead
>The exchange library falcon steals my vegan XXXtra meat hot dog
>Stacy and chad arrive just to scream The Stranger to the deaf Mongolian basketball players
I cant stand it anymore im going to get a kinde

>join nude library because fuck the why not
>everyone is disgusting, old, and wrinkly

>go to grab a ham cylinder from the ham roller stove and the edgy teens have shoved it full of quarans again