/lit/ - Literature

>>11929515
People here are faggots don't believe their opinions.

Faceless, tasteless and crude men
leaving you with eidolons of fleeting validation.
Evoking a specter
that claims your claim to character
and thieves from you at the ripe old age of 14.
Burdened by an identity and an existence,
that wasn’t your choice (why would you?),
but one you’d gladly choose again and again.
Burdened by those uncritical yet seemingly and contradictorily hypercritical,
and those darting pupils of strangers
that you hate so fucking much.
If only a single pair had bothered meeting yours
then they’d understand (?)
But they wouldn’t and couldn’t, and it wasn’t your fault at that ripe old age of 14
And at an even wiser 22, you know that.
You wish for clairvoyance for that old 14 year old
but his vision was hazy and short sighted
22 hasn’t been any better for you, but it always works out. Right? Right?
right?

>>11929521
meh, I still want something to add or work on

>>11929515
Oh, let's also make this a poetry sharing thread. Make sure you criticize and give tips before you post

>>11929537
if anyone new to poetry wants criticism they should first lay bare their intentions: what do you want to achieve with the piece (or pieces) you shared? if else then you'll get lads telling you to write like they'd like you to when you're just exercising particular affects and/ or structures. it'd help to share your background, as some readings could be suggested based on your lacks

>>11929757
I have an extreamly limited amount of poetry under my belt. I just started a course in World Lit and my professor has shown us a lot of interesting poetry. My favorites so far have been Mahadeviyakka's poetry, stuff by Jean Toomer, Saeed Jones, and I did some independent reading of Leaves of Grass by Whitman. I'm just doing it to learn a form of expression. I'm not very good at the arts but words are the most accessible medium to express yourself with so i'm trying to work with that

>>11929515
that's the wrong Bacon anon

>>11929515

What is that which cannot be understood,

No ears, eyes, or skin can sense this unknown,

For it speaks, shows, and touches us from a world that is unlike our own.

But he who is willing to go there, could.

But he who isn't, should.

>>11929527
Sounds like someone wishes to change his past. Your poetry reflect something call << le mal du siècle >> I dont know the exact english comparison since its in french, but it could be as follows : pain of the century. (Romantisme)

>>11929515
Sounds very trite and adolescent, like if Rupi Kaur browsed /lit/
Read more.
Who? are your favourite poets

>>11929515
Too many explicit expressions of your emotions, with generic words such as sadness, sorrow, hopes, pain, etc. I get that sad is how you feel uniquely because you mention sadness so often.
Unnecessary reference to famous authors or philosophy.
Unnecessary "bullshit" in an otherwise calm composition.
The switch to short lines is unnecessarily abrupt in an otherwise calm composition.
I get the general waviness and crashingness of the poem, but it's not really evocative—it's upsetting.
Grouping many synonyms or similar sentences together has not the dramatic effect you probably expected.

>>11931061
To each his own structure

>>11931104
Indeed tweets and adolescential journal entries are poetic forms.

>>11931148
Yes, perhaps the author will sophisticat his writing. I remind you that he is new to poetry

>>11929515

An eternal sadness washes over you
the waves unrelent.
The bullshit sorrow of Nietzsche and Voltaire
is all you've ever known.
The dull and aching pain down in the bones,
through heart, through spirit corrodes,
and leaves you hollow on the bedroom floor.

>>11931183
won't learn skateboard without falling

>>11931104
I don't think it's a matter of form: a sonnet can very well be a shit sonnet

>>11930972
what do you mean by that?

>>11931040
it's more so about hating yourself at a young age because you're gay and having body image issues and anxiety about it

>>11931061
>>11931056
thank you for the criticism

>>11931188
i like this rendition better. I guess I should use less words

Also, there is poem >>11929527 to criticize, if that's any better in content or form

>>11929515
STRESS:

Here is how I found the words most naturally stressed to me.

1. AN eTERnal SADness WASHes OVer YOU
2. with WAVES UNreLENTing and EVer CRAShing,
3. SMAShing and DAShing your HOPES for KINder TIMES.
4. FILLED with SORrow THAT nietZSCHE and VOLTaire PREACH
5. but YOU’VE alWAYS beLIEVED phiLOsoPHY was BULLshit.
6. This DULL and ACHing PAIN peNEtrates PAST the BONE,
7. THROUGH the HEART,
8. THROUGH the SPIrit,
9. AND corRODES,
10. eRODES,
11. aBRADES,
12. peRVADES,
13. and LEAVES you ON your BEDroom FLOOR glassy EYED
14. AND holLOW

Line 4 is particularly awkward.
"Nietzche" is most naturally stressed as "NIETzche" in isolation but there is no room for a pause between "THAT" and "NIETzche."
Consider substituting "that" with a softer/shorter word like "of?"

In general a few other parts were a bit ambiguous/awkward and could have stronger stress patterns:

2. In isolation "unrelenting" is most naturally stressed as "UNreLENTing" to me but there is no room for a pause between "WAVES" and "UNreLENTing."
Consider a shorter sound than "waves" or rewording things?

I want to stress "but you've" like "BUT you've" in 5. and not "but YOU'VE" because of the tough "t" sound.
However, that doesn't work with the metre well to me.
Maybe use a softer word like "and" instead of "but?"
If you want to do a "BUT you've" stress "you've" is also a large/long sound that you might want to replace with a smaller sound.

"penetrate" is most naturally stressed as "PEneTRATE" and not "peNEtrate" to me so it doesn't seem natural to me in 6.

"bedroom floor glassy eyed" is awkward in 13.
From the words by themselves I want to stress "BEDroom FLOOR GLASsy EYED" but a pause doesn't work between "FLOOR" and "GLASsy."
Consider a shorter sound than "floor" or a softer sound than "glass?"

Most good poems aren't perfectly regular but some parts of this poem could be made more regular and smoother.
I would most rework the early lines 2 and 4.
I find that once you get a good rhythm going you can be a bit looser.

OTHER:

I would consider organizing lines 7 to 12 using caesuras like:

through the heart / through the spirit / and corrodes
erodes / abrades / pervades

>>11932513
>stressing the indefinite article
Now I'm really intrigued to hear you speak

>>11929515
I can't into poetry but 'eternal sadness' seems a bad way to start- it sounds cliched, overblown, and nonsensical (how the hell is a particular feeling of sadness 'eternal'?)

>>11929515
If you have to ask if you've written anything that has substance you probably haven't.
But to actually be constructive, your poem is very heavy handed, the evocations are without any sort of subtlety at all. Your imagery is cliched and lacking, but i like that you took the 'washing' literally.
And lastly, your line breaks are without any concrete meaning or reasoning behind them, i get that you used them in the last lines to pause the reading of the poem, which is fine, but it comes off as kind of amateurish (this might be my bias showing though, since you're a literal rando on /lit/ posting his poem).
But keep trying, you'll get there.

>>11932513
'an' is not stressed

>>11932599
"an" is relatively more stressed than "e" in "eTERnal" yes and especially because it is the first word of the poem.
If "an" was in a different part or "a" instead then I probably wouldn't stress it.

Where the East River meets the Guangxi
A lily pad makes a splash
Where have all the frogs gone?

>>11932642
>"an" is relatively more stressed than "e" in "eTERnal" yes and especially because it is the first word of the poem.
literally all of this is irrelevant

>>11932645
reads like ko un, so based.

Jordan's mother had cancer.
I think that's why he kicked our dog.
I wasn't there when it happened.
Our dog would dig its way under our backyard fence and run down the street.
It got as far as the Boston's house before Jordan kicked it.
We thought it would die.
It lay there whimpering for a few days and we took photos with Angus, the dog, because we thought he would die and our parents didn't want to take him to the vet.
There wasn't anything the vet could do.
So we gave Angus biscuits he wouldn't eat because his stomach was sore.
Angus got better eventually.
Then our mother left the gate open and he slipped out the front and got hit by a truck.
I didn't see him die.
We cried in the school parking lot when our mother told us.
Our principle saw us and said he was sorry.
Our mother gave us a small golden box with some of Angus's ashes in it.
I kept it in my room for a while and prayed for Angus in heaven.
I don't know where the box of ashes is now.

>>11932679
based secretive micro-fiction poster

>>11932668
>ko un
>As of 2018, he has been named in a sexual harassment scandal.
Huh, that is pretty based.

>>11932683
>84 year old man who has been through hell touches a womans butt, more at 11

i like this thread, bump

>>11932513
>>11932623
>>11932616

Thank you my dudes!
Can you guys look at >>11929527 since I think I put more effort and it sounds better, i think?

>>11932679
Great

>>11932679
I don't think I get it. Or is this just a short story and there isn't anything to get?

>>11929515
>Filled with sorrow that Nietzsche and Voltaire preach

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA CRINGE CRINGE CRINGE HAHAHAHAHA congrats, you're a pretentious faggot OP. KYS.

>>11931056 >>11931061 >>11931188 >>11932513 >>11932616 >>11932623 >>11934594

Is this better?

Eroding under waves washing over you,
unrelenting and ever crashing,
smashing and dashing your hopes for kinder times.
The pressure penetrates past bone,
through heart, through spirit.
Compressing and depressing you to the bedroom floor,
eyes glazed over and hollow.

(I want to add something about hardening to diamond, but is that cheesy? Also, would putting "Under this ocean" prior to "the pressure" make more sense?)

>>11934721
> crashing
> smashing
> dashing
> compressing
> depressing

I would recommend less rhyming like this, very cringe, but glad you killed the nietzsche-voltaire line, that was so damn cringe.

>>11934760
what verb tense would I use to break up the action verbs. Would it not lose rhythm?

She sits behind a door separating your father from his weapons.
A few military-grade guns. Some knives. Two ivory handled katanas?
Where the fuck did he get ivory handled katanas?
Tears flow on both sides of the door,
one pleading for a means to an end,
and another just for an end.
The father warns you she’ll shoot and she threatens such,
but looking back now, you know this is just the beginning of his indoctrination.
It’s the beginning of hating your family. Thinking your mother’s a whore.

Her parents are coming soon.
She needs to get it together. We all need to get it together.
She hobbles to the kitchen and brings back fruits and coffee. Customary.
“What happened to your foot?”
“Oh, I just stepped wrong and broke my toe”
Her eyes dart to meet your father’s
and he shows his teeth for the second time that night.

how do I achieve the subtle poetic beauty in these lyrics?

Lifted up
Reflective in returning love you sing
Errant days filled me
Fed me illusion's gate
In temperate stream
Welled up within me
A hunger uncurbed by nature's calling
Seven sacraments to song
Versed in Christ
Should strength desert me
They'll come
They come
Lifted up
Reflected in returning love you sing
Heaven waits
Someday Christendom may come
Westward
Evening sun recedent
Set my resting vow
Hold in open heart

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuYNidNgQic

poplar or maple
to the boot makes no difference
offal crush
a partial wing

>>11934909
BED I'LL BE DAMNED

>>11934961
yes :):):):):):):):):

>>11934772
Poetry is cringe no matter what you do

>>11935276
why do you say this?

>>11932679
Returning to this because I've been thinking about it a lot and I wanna say it's very beautiful

>>11936042
I still don't get it

>>11929527
This is too explicitly Sitrner inspired.

>>11937234
Literally have no idea whomst that is but thank you I guess?

science sucks
philosophy is great
y'all are cucks
this thread is bait

>>11930995
nice