[ 3 / biz / cgl / ck / diy / fa / ic / jp / lit / sci / vr / vt ] [ index / top / reports ] [ become a patron ] [ status ]
2023-11: Warosu is now out of extended maintenance.

/lit/ - Literature

View post   
File: 271 KB, 1024x768, harrydresden.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
1164775 No.1164775 [Reply] [Original]

Wrote this at work. Wanted to know what /lit/ thinks. Is it a grabbing start to a supernatural detective story? I've never really felt that I've done a good, engaging beginning before.

>I stood over the body with my gun all but smoking as I heard the commotion outside the room. I barely had time to react as the police kicked in the door, my friend and former partner right at the front. The shock on his face was evident even though he tried to remain professional.
>"Drop the gun and get on the floor," he shouted, a revolver like mine in his hand. They jam less. That's why I told him I liked using them. It was trained on my heart, or maybe my head. It was hard to judge with the blood pounding in my ears, making everything shake. "Drop it now, Emmerich!"

>> No.1164778

I'd keep reading.

>> No.1164784

>"Drop it now, Emmerich!"

What's with these guys? It's like one of my Japanese animes!

Also, 'my gun all but smoking' makes no sense and I'd consider using 3rd person instead. Why compare guns? It's an intense moment and Emmerich is like 'o neat same gun lol.' Also, revolvers don't jam at all in the typical sense of the word.

There isn't much to critique but your technique, so yeah.

>> No.1164794

.>>1164784
Emmerich is french, r-tard.

>> No.1164796

>>1164784
>What's with these guys? It's like one of my Japanese animes!
Juste Pascal Daniel Emmerich(-Belmont). Just like one of my Japanese Animes.
>Also, 'my gun all but smoking' makes no sense and I'd consider using 3rd person instead
I like first person, especially for a detective story. It gives the reader the same clues as the narrator.
>Why compare guns?
Because Marc uses the same gun as Juste because Juste taught him. "He's using that gun because of me, and now I'm about to get shot by it"
I should have said "Don't jam" instead of "jam less" though.

>> No.1164797

>>1164794
I could totally tell that from the 8 sentences you wrote. That line was from metal gear, I was just joking and I don't give a shit what you name your supernatural detective.

>> No.1164799

>>1164796
And in my defense, his name ending up as Juste Belmont was accidental.
I did use the name Juste from Castlevania, but the Belmont part was because it was the first French name that came to mind. He doesn't use that part anyway, though.

>> No.1164831

>>1164775
Sorry, but I stopped reading after the first sentence. It was too long and didn't flow off my tongue nicely. Make it succinct and strong. It doesn't matter if you spend two hours on one sentence; that's just writing. You make sure you mean and feel everything.

I'm not a fan of Camus, but he opened The Stranger so damn well: "Maman died today."

It's funny, for years now I've been thinking of compiling a bunch of story openers. Not from published works, but from my own musings. I very often think of great opening sentences, and too often forget to write them down.

>> No.1164958

>>1164831
It's one sentence.
"I stood over the body with my gun all but smoking as I heard the commotion outside the room."
It very quickly tells you that there's a guy, the narrator, and he's just presumably killed a man. Police are now coming to arrest him.
I suppose it could be broken up into "I stood over the body with my gun all but smoking. There was a commotion outside the room, someone coming up the landing."

>> No.1164962

>>1164958
start with "Thats a damned fine pocket protector."
then proceed from there.

>> No.1164967

>>1164962
What?

You'll have to forgive me as it's 6am and I'm going to sleep now, but
what?

>> No.1164971

>>1164967
even a killer can appreciate keeping ink out of ones pocket

>> No.1164973

>>1164971
I keep meaning to point it out, but he didn't kill anyone. The story starts en medias res. Then he explains how he got were he is, possibly in second person to his friend the cop.
Or not.

>> No.1164984

>>1164973

He's going to explain it in second person? "You went up the stairs, and found yourself standing over a dead body with a gun all but smoking".

What?

>> No.1164995

>>1164984
>to his friend the cop
"That's when you busted in and told me to get on the floor."

Most of the story would be told as if it was being recounted. So if he's talking to the cop, he'd say ":you".