/lit/ - Literature

Henlo.

I am a sick man... I am a spiteful man.

Since God wasn’t watching (he doesn’t exist), I reached down, grabbed my shaft, and started tugging.

>>11262163
"Yo-yo mah nigga. You in da houzzzzz!", said the black man unexpectedly sitting in my bathtub at 9:32pm.

>>11262163
Twas a black and rainy nighttime.

The man considered his options, weighing them like stones cradled sleepily in the scale that comprised his left and his right pocket as he strolled, not thinking of anything important, because the outcome didn't matter.

He was awoken early by his alarm clock

>A sentance full of autismo level unrelated description.

Crash!
My car hit a pole and shattered my fender, also killing my wife.

>>11262190
You forgot 'with a start'.

>>11262163
In the beginning was the word, and the word was god

>>11262202
*and the word was IN.

>>11262163
starting to become unbelievably resentful towards idealist autism in literature, it can’t justify itself at all and if its not deconstructive or openly self-referential and introspective i thinknit should be punishable with rescinding of attention. should add: if it lacks consistent rhythm or beauty it should be punished with a rescinding of attention

MONSIEUR!!! WHERE ARE MY APPLES!

>>11262163
nigger.

Once upon a time

I am seated in an office, surrounded by groans and grunts.

SNAKES! Snakes everywhere!

>>11262163
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a goth gf.

And so here the journey began, with a boy and a man and a female and a dog that strangled along named Chikitah.

>>11262163
I look down at my breasts and feel my dick, I am a transvestite, best of both worlds.

I'd just like to interject for a moment.

a screaming comes across the sky. :^),

Presently, he was unequivocally equivocal and the Chinese take-out left a bitter taste in my mouth and bowels shortly here after; It’s safe to say that today isn’t going to be a good one.

>>11262253
NON!

>>11262199
Oh yeah true
Or "suddenly"

Call me Ishmael

"To the library, and step on it."

Shot dead with a colt-44 isn’t how I imagined death to find me, but it was evident to me as I float above my bleeding corpse and to the man abreast of it with a gun still smoldering that that was the death I was to die.

It was a beautiful Sunday morning, on October 1st 1985.

>>11262163
Holy fucking shit!"

The name’s Johan Jubilees, but I think you already know that.

>>11262196
lmao

>>11262163

The waves swelled softly, littering the beaches with the oceans unwanted acquisitions.

*Record scratch

I bet you're wondering how I got into this situation

"Call me pancakes"

I just went on a date with a woman who wears a pinwheel hat.

It was Friday the 13th, the night before Halloween.

Sakuria used his sword like a weapon and slashed his enemy in twain and the two twains were twained and so and and so forth.

>>11262405
did mark twain wrote this lol

"Suddenly that became epic!" said Mr Random

As I unzipped my roasted flabbergast body tush souvenir, I realized: "I am the lump".

>>11262163
Sorry you wasted money to read my drivel but here we go.

“Hey Rick, wouldn’t it be crazy if that plane hit this building? I mean, look how low it is.” Dave said while looking across the Hudson.

>>11262196
this is actually very good
>>11262328
now this, this is worthless

His voice could cut through mountains and his muscles could turn to rubble those same mountains; Stacy’s panties stood no chance, and I, an intellectual, watched eagerly from behind a bush as the two ill-mannered and unsophisticated brutes began their sexual act and reminded me of the hot and dreary summer afternoon when I did the same to my German shepherd to relieve her of her heat, and moments after ejaculation and the overwhelming shame brought with it is where this story begins.

It was a queer, sultry summer, the summer they electrocuted the Rosenbergs, and I didn't know what I was doing in New York.

>>11262178
Cute

Milly, recently promoted to super space lady of the space fleet Earth One, laughed at the feeble unintelligent alien capitalist fat cats as she took off with all their space gold... "Aaaah, time to kickback with the sisterhood... having said that...I've got a mission I need to be empowered for in the morning!" Milly said to her five Tabby cats.

Only one enemy remained; two if you counted God.

>>11262543
Holy... I want more

>>11262178
>>11262179
>>11262183
>>11262184
>>11262190
>>11262193
>>11262196
>>11262199
>>11262202
>>11262206
>>11262213
>>11262218
>>11262219
>>11262221
>>11262223
>>11262234
>>11262376
>>11262401
>>11262405
>>11262424
>>11262424
Holy... I want more

>>11262548
Holy... I want more

>>11262466
this should be sent to that contest

The jury was ready. I was not. God didn’t exist.

>>11262253
upboated my good sir! :^)

CRASH! Only one enemy remained; four, if you counted mom's pancakes and golden retriever, and god.

>>11262196
kek

There I was, back faced to the edge of the precipice, with Sasuke staring at me with his eyes burning like coals.

>>11262163

The end.

>>11262163
Life is a cucumber from here to philly. Some people like it and some people don't.

>>11262163

"Thus closes our novel and begins our novelty."

>>11262170
Delet this

>>11262163
On a Tuesday Lindsay Shawnee decided that all organized government was bad, on Sunday, we all lived without it, that Monday, we had forgotten it even existed.

>>11262468

I'd read this.

>>11262412

Sensible chuckle.

>>11262624
The Rosenberg one is the opening of The Bell Jar

>>11262196
winner

>>11262196
Actual LOL
I'd read this

"Nothing personal, kid." I quipped, my folded steel katana sliding out of my rival's body.

>>11262641
It's also probably the worst sentence in the book.

Only one enemy remained, two if you counted God, but he's already dead, they both are.

Marcomere's handsome, sexy body shimmered in the midnight moon as his hot, vampire load was expelled into my swampy puss.

A screaming comes across the sky.

>>11262163
I am seated in an office, surrounded by heads and bodies.

>In the beginning when God created the heavens and the earth,the earth was a formless void and darkness covered the face of the deep, while a wind from God swept over the face of the waters.

Did they even edit this shit?

>>11262218
>>11262196

These would legitimately have me hooked.

Maria, Maria, O Maria, prithee tell me, dost thou love me?

>>11262218
Actually good, I want to know where this goes. Are "apples" a codeword for something else? Does it take place in a dystopic future where apples are as rare and valuable as diamonds? Did a man get caught stealing a farmer's apples?

plz write more

"Stank," she had been saying, but had been cut short by her referent: an actual stink caught her nose.

>>11262983
"Apples and pairs, up the stairs." It's cockney slang for "stairs." MONSIEUR is concerned about his fate after death: the stairs are Jacob's ladder.

According to all known laws
of aviation, there is no way a bee
should be able to fly.

You are holding a book and it is going to tell you a story in a moment if you choose to continue reading the story from the book.

Welcome to Reddit, the front page of the internet!

>>11262178
I’d unironicallu read this.

Our close minded narrator better win out in the end by sheer miracle, and yet he does not even realize it.

>>11262163
It was what it was when it was.

Worthless, worthless, Brandon von Hayes
Race: white. Smell: crabmeat.
Age: ten thousand twelve hundred days.
Profession: none, or "neet"

It was the last day of a long, gay summer

Elon Musk, sitting regal in the captain's chair, took in all about him with an eye that held that magnificent smirk that no man had known since Nietzsche had first announced 'God is Dead!'

>>11262196

actually good.

I succeeded in becoming the handsomest man, but now everyone is dead. This wasn't supposed to happen.

A scream came across the room and suddenly he woke up (from deceptively happy dreams) in a godless heatless universe in a yet untouched body, while the night wept, and a tragedy began: i was born.

"You ain't got no more nothin'! No more nothin',nohow!",screamed Sir Farnsworth Widdlepiddle,waving his rubber chicken and aiming his revolver. Not again,I thought.

My semen ran down the wall in snail-like globules.

>The changeling's decision to steal a dragon was born, though she did not know it then, the night the children met to plot the death of their supervisor

Why do I keep trying to read fantasy

>>11262163
Bob Evans chewed his pancakes at a Bob Evans, in Evansville, Ohio, a small town with a big heroin problem.

>>11262163
I'm not a perfect person, I never meant to do those things to you.

>>11262202
unbased

I wondered aloud when would I ever stop falling down this flight of stairs.

My name is Raven Silvernight.

>>11263597
Sup?

It was the largest hamburger he had ever eaten... the largest one made of people at least.

She called me daddy, but a daddy should never be wrist-deep in his baby's daughter's ass. Come to think of it, he had never known his daddy. Maybe if he had, this would have all turned out differently

>>11262163
My mom was a goddamn bitch and so was my sister too, the goddamn bitch, and same with my teachers and all my friends and my dad and my little dog and same with my aunt and my uncle and their kids all bitches the whole lot, and same with that one woman I seen at Trader Joes she took cereal out of her cart and left it in the poultry isle the goddamn stupid bitch.

Where's Papa going with that ax?" said Fern to her mother as they were setting the table for breakfast.

Sometimes it's best to forget that you have amnesia.

>>11262218
>not using pomme

>>11262468
DELET THIS NOW

There once was a man and he was a real manly man, not like one of those Greek folk-heroes, but a reasonable nice liberal guy who you could just sink your teeth into.

>>11263625
would read this book

>>11263606
underrated

>>11263625
Holden, circa 2018

>>11263805
Same

>>11262179
t. DFW

"My pooper is becoming a super duper pooper" he shouted amid super duper pooper sounds. "My only chairs are pooper scooper mounds, and my brown frown turns upside down when I hear super duper pooper sounds" he said on pooper scooper mounds, amid super duper pooper sounds.

>>11262163

Once upon a time and a very good time it was there was a moocow coming down along the road and this moocow that was coming down along the road met a nicens little boy named baby tuckoo.

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth.

>>11262179
This is literally Curb Your Enthusiasm

I like to keep my house clean because cleanliness is close to godliness and I like to keep my enemies close

Whoops hehaha didn’t know this was on heha fuucc WHATS POPPING UUUUHHHNNNN hehhe woooaaahh ITS LIT IN HERE huh?heha FUCCK it’s hot as fuck in here take the hoodie off nah keep it on it’s cute as Fuuuhhhc .

I've spent the last five years studying the productivity secrets of the silicon valley whiz kids and I now I'm going to share them with you.

HAHAHAHAHA EBIN POOPY IN MY PANTS :D :D SENPAI POO POO PEE PEE OH NO PEE DOWN MY LEG xD xD xD :P WANNA COME WATCH POOPY A PEE PEE WITH MEEEEEEEEE ME SO HORNYYYYYYYYYYY HEHEHEHE YOU ALL ARE FUNNY AND BEAUTIFUL :) I LOVE YOU ALL SO POOPY MUCH HEHE ;) COME MAKE POOPY WITH ME FART FART FART *HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA I FARTED AND POO POOED A LITTLE BIT IM A BIG BOY WITH BIG BOY DIAPERS :D PEE PEE POO POO FART FART FART BURP BURP PEE POO FART POO HAHA HEHEHEHEHE I WANNA FART ALL NIGHT AGAIN YES MOMMY

"Bastards! Necrotic banshee whores!" All that could be seen of him as they lifted him like a weighted sack and dragged him away were the untied laces of his size 3 shoes, his Rugrats socks mismatched and disappearing, Chuckie ankle first and half-rolled Angelica disappearing last as they pull him around the corner.

I see God in a clean room. I see Order made manifest, vanquishing the ever-descending specter of Chaos. I see a made bed and I am made free.

The shell casing trembled on the floor as the last slope-head nigger on earth fell to die choking on his own blood, gurgling out a victory for the white race, but this was just the beginning of our struggle, as g*d still needed to be taken care of

>>11262163
To the thither comes the quiver of a young man's liver

>>11262299
This is unironically just fucking terrible and not just so bad it's good

>>11262299
this is pretty fun

'Twas a dank and smarmy night.

He fired the semiautomatic plasma Glock at the orphan. He hoped it affected her effectively.

>>11262401
cupvoted

Prologue:
Act 1:
Part 1:
Chapter 1: To make a long story short, I shouldn't have stolen my neighbour's bus.
To make a short story longer, I shouldn't have stolen my neighbour's mobile thermonuclear bomb.
To make a long story long...

>>11263920
Made me wince a little.

Hey Nathan, I fucked your girl." Hayden said, pointing his camera phone at my face.

>>11264253
Great opening to a great book. Deal with it.

>>11263937
based

>>11262196
Good shit.

>>11262163
"That one is going in my cringe compilation!" said I excitedly, as I snapped the photograph which would one day bring me to ruin.

>>11262163
It was raining.

"That's the first and last time I fuck a chinaman." Jennifer muttered to herself as she crawled out of bed.

>>11264532
HAHAHAHA

I thought I wouldn't hurt anyone by shoving 3 AAA batteries into my urethra. I was wrong.

>>11262163
There was once a place that had a man in it.

On an exceptionally hot evening early in July a young man came out of the garret in which he lodged in S. Place and walked slowly, as though in hesitation, towards K. bridge.

>>11262206
>catholic exposing themself as stupid

>>11262163
Earl Jubilee was a likable man with many friends and a strong handshake; no one knew he liked to slip into morgues and defile the dead.

>>11262163
Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed.

>>11262424
Deep.

"FARTHOLE, FARTHOLE!" screamed my mother as she tried to quickly finger my "FARTHOLE" ever since it became a weekly routine 55 weeks ago.

You might be shocked to know that a surprisingly high number of people die sitting on the toilet. Such was the scene before me. The bloated corpse of the fat man stank of shit, and the dynamic duo of Summer swelter and dead AC weren't helping

>>11262466
Brilliant

>>11262163
Blacks are actually really smart the iq test is fake and used to keep them down lol.

All hell broke loose when I had suddenly woken up in the morning of November 22nd 1989.

My morning swim doesn’t usually involve corpses. If it did, I’d give up swimming for something less stressful, like coaxing cobras out of baskets or my mother out of bed before ten.

The taxi's radio was tuned to a classical FM broadcast.

It was seven o’clock again and the putrid stink of life rushed into my nasal cavity for the 7665th time.

Bill plowed his field on Saturday and his wife on Sunday, that’s how Bill liked it.

It started by accident.

*record scratch*
That’s me, your probably wondering how I got into this situation.

My diminutive cock is erect for my four-hundred pound scene mistress, who is wearing an undersized skirt, bursting out each disgusting skin flap onto my body.

Humanity… All of my suffering on this world has been at the hands of humanity, particularly women.

I love cummies!

>>11262328
October 1st 1985 was a Tuesday

>>11264966

>>11262163

Congratulations! You have once again succeeded in posting a thinly-veiled 'literature' thread with the intention to gossip like a schoolgirl!

>>11262163
ma nigga ma nigga Jeb (Jeb is white so it's ok I wouldn't call a black person a nigga i'm not racist) just came back from his mitzvah and he said he got to touch one of charlotte briest's breasts and I said nah nigga you never touch a tiddy in your life and now you're gay for the torah haha but he wasn't impressed and said "DO U KNO DA WAE to DAMNATION" and I said nigga please jews don't even believed in heaven or hell haha gay batty poom poom and we smoked a weed cigarette together and played splatoon on wiiu

>>11265057
Could you like perhaps stop this shit? Mi

The white women were discovered in their habitat; thus, Jamal was elated.

>>11263663
cracked me up, thanks anon

I that is waking [up] am had a bad dream as a result of a horrifying prolegomenon the night before.

>>11263927

>>11262223
same

The sun was out and the sky was clear blue it was a nice day or would it be?

>>11263892
Worst not best.

>>11262163
Oh my god you’re reading a book written by me thanks !

>>11262196
KEK

I’m not talking about Kono Yo no Kyūseishu Futarime no Rikudō Juubi Jinchuuriki Gedou Rinne Tensei Uchiha Madara with the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan (which is capable of Enton Amaterasu, Izanagi, Izanami and the Tsyukuyomi Genjutsu), his two original Rinnegan (which grant him Chikushōdō, Shuradō, Tendō, Ningendō, Jigokudō, Gakidō, Gedō, Banshō Ten’in, Chibaku Tensei, Shinra Tensei, Tengai Shinsei and Banbutsu Sōzō) and a third Tomoe Rinnegan on his forehead, capable of using Katon, Fūton, Raiton, Doton, Suiton, Mokuton, Ranton, Inton, Yōton and even Onmyōton Jutsu, equipped with his Gunbai(capable of using Uchihagaeshi) and a Shakujō because he is a master in kenjutsu and taijutsu, a perfect Susano’o (that can use Yasaka no Magatama ), control of both the Juubi and the Gedou Mazou, with Hashirama Senju’s DNA and face implanted on his chest, his four Rinbo Hengoku Clones guarding him and nine Gudōdama floating behind him AFTER he absorbed Senjutsu from the First Hokage, entered Rikudō Senjutsu Mode, cast Mugen Tsukuyomi on everybody and used Shin: Jukai Kōtan so he can use their Chakra while they are under Genjutsu. I’m definitely NOT Talking about sagemode sage of the six paths Juubi Jinchuuriki Gedou Rinne Tensei Super Saiyan 4 Uchiha Madara with the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan, Rinnegan, Mystic Eyes of Death Perception, and Geass doujutsus, equipped with Shining Trapezohedron while casting Super Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann as his Susanoo, controlling the Gold Experience Requiem stand, having become the original vampire after Alucard, able to tap into the speedforce, wearing the Kamen Rider Black RX suit and Gedou Mazou, with Hashirama Senju’s DNA implanted in him so he has mokuton kekkei genkai and can perform yin yang release ninjutsu.

>>11264058
'Twas your sister's damp hole.

The nigger, oh yes that nigger, the one, you know the one, that famous one, ummmmmm, oh fuck, what's his goddamn name... OBAMA, YES THATS IT, HE'S THE ONE.

>>11264625
>mocking dostoevsky
DELET THIS

Fuck Andre. Fuck his wife, his house, his dog, his car, his clothes and Fuck whatever makes all that fuckin' noise every morning.

"Pirate Scum," Gresham exclaimed. As the words left his mouth, he pulled on the trigger of his shotgun. A swarm of buckshot raced out of the barrel and burrowed its way into the privateer's now gelatinous head.

>>11265452
yes

>>11262179
>"Yo-yo mah nigga. You in da houzzzzz!", said the black man unexpectedly sitting in my bathtub at 9:32pm.

kek i need more of this

Like a choo-choo train of the most disquieting type, the type black and iron and smoking with puff-puff-puffs of coal soot smoke, soiling the faces of farmers playing kissy in May, when so much work needed to be done for Chaslow the Robot Bailiff, Tyshona gripped the bars of the jungle gym equipment in the abandoned school yard and sweated out a fanny log the smell of which sent flies in a frenzy, black on black on black, because Tyshona, like the shit and flies, was poor and also black (hence the black train similie).

>>11262179
He said worst, not best.

>>11262163
Ermengarde, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul.

>It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times.

I love you

>>11262179
lel

>>11266200
You stupid monkey!

>>11263927
Spot on holy kek

Lile the flash Maxine rose to stand up against her oppressive boss, what gave him the right to decide her starting time?

there was semen literally everywhere.

>>11263927
fucking gold

>>11263625
actually good

>>11263949
fucking kek

>>11262299
Pure dog shit. I love it

As I sat in my chair spinning on a rock that is being hurled across space around a star made of billions of hydrogen bombs circling a enveloping super massive black hole that simultaneously is on a collision course with another galaxy that will result in destruction that is beyond mere mortal comprehension, I realized traps are infact gay.

>>11262163
tell me about a complicated man

See it was about five in the morning south of San Francisco, directly south of the really gay part of the city, and that was the moment and location I concluded I could survive without any working income.

The phone rang as I brewed my coffee this morning; I looked in the mirror as the ringing made its first interlude; my jewish transgender puerto rican eyes looked back at me and affirmed what I feared most, picking up the phone.
—Hello?
—It's cancer, Ms. Amorosa.
I sighed.

Humanity… All of my suffering on this world has been at the hands of humanity, particularly women.

>>11266598
>I sighed
>not "Hello Cancer."
Shameful.

That was the first time I died. Since then I've died 347 times and it's no less terrifying each time.

>>11266615
Lol, wanna collab a novel?

>>11262179
>>11263625
>>11264114

Would read on.

>>11264789
>>11265437

Genuinely terrifying.

>>11262163
Yesterday and today were meant to be my dream days; my last days of my youth with them.

It was my turn to die and I was never one to disobey mother, even if that mother was sweet momma nature, and so I stumbled out of my glass bubble into the apocalyptic storm of white lightning that obliterated sandstone structures and polluted the air with thick clouds of dust and pierced my ears with the guttural cry of animal and towns-folk contracting the fire-death, and I trotted down gooey glass stairs and died with all of man, and when I woke on a hospital bed in a cast of bandages they told me I was lucky to be alive and that I had left my space-heater on while in a drug coma and burnt down an entire duplex, they told me it was all a dream and that I could make a fortune on a lawsuit against Warm n’ Cozy Inc… I looked the man of medicine square in the jaw and told him in a gravelly voice, “I aint lucky to be alive, you are.” and he froze and knew just as my words fled my heat-cracked lips, that I was Satan.

>>11265431
larry willmore not larry david.

>>11262163
He woke up unlike anyone ever and hit the snooze, because his story was not ready to be told.

You don't get to bring friends.

>>11267772
i chuckled

>>11262196
is this a meme? i do not understand this reference

GARÇON! GARÇON! UNA RED BULL, BITTE! GARÇON!

>>11263625

t. Jason Compton VI

WARNING TO THE READER: this is no easy story to read, it will challenge everything you THINK you know and turn your whole worldview on its head!

"We should start back," Gared urged as the woods began to grow dark around them.

>>11262163
Revolver is the seventh studio album by the English rock band the Beatles, released on 5 August 1966 but most importantly it was also the weapon I was holding

>>11268310
Fucking marvelous.

>>11262163
Unironically, I can't think of a worse way to open a book than
>Yep.
It technically is a sentence. If I saw a book like that, I'd assume it was written by the sort of person who posts the Shrek meme.

Bugmen are watching me masticate.

>>11262163
"I want to be dead."

>>11267614
we live in a society

>>11263625
This wins. will add to future humor threads as well. congratulations.

I am; we are.

>>11264114
kek

>>11268310
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNZZZZZZZZZZZZZZUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

As I came on my sister's forehead, one enemy remained, 20 if you counted my mother, my fathers, and god.

1.1.1. the world is everything that's real
1.1. time is but a sequence of real things
1. if something isn't real, it's therefore timeless

>>11262163

anyone lived in a pretty how town
(with up so floating many bells down)
spring summer autumn winter
he sang his didn’t he danced his did.

arawcha arawcha *whoop whoop* cummy cummy cum cum cum on my tummy fun fun fun, oh yeah lets funk it up uh huh here we go...

>>11267854
It's a /lit/ meme.
>>/lit/thread/S8470021

"Where am I? What happened?" I asked, as I woke up in a field surrounded by multi-colored ponies.

Whoa, didn't see you there little scamp.

>>11262163
As the clock struck twelve, I came into my bitches pussy, hard.

>>11262170
Dostoverratedsky

>>11262170
fuck off cunt

>>11262299
this is horrible. thank you

>>11262178
Lel

>>11262196
Very good

>>11262178
I like it

>>11262163
“Well”, the hiring manager muttered, putting my resumé down, “this one is going in my cringe compilation.”

A frightful hobgoblin stalks throughout Europe.

I can’t remember anything, can’t tell if this is true or a dream. Deep down inside I feel the scream, this terrible silence is stopping me.

>>11268161
This is from the lizard people thingy, right?

He woke up soaked in sweat. He had that dream again where he was class playwright and his father was the high school bully.

>>11262163
Black wood went into my wife without me knowing. I went into the room, I saw it, and said "don't forget to put out, my boss wouldn't like a bastard halfling dashing about my bureau."

>>11270505

>>11262163
I spilled baked beans all over myself

This is the story of a man from Nantucket

I was always forgetting my glasses even when they were still on my head, my cockhead that is.

>And then there was silence

His rectum prolapsed as it was, she could not have made it out alive

>>11262163
The first letter was T, the second one h and the third one e - that was how i started my quest of a thousand pages. Dear reader beware, deep rivers and misty mountains is not what lies ahead - but only depressed ramblings of a lonesome human seraph too pure for this world and nothing but this like an eternal purgatory - beware, and turn away. You've got my warning.

John swabbed Kate’s sloppy pussy with his flesh tentacle (his tongue) and Kate moaned Frank’s name (John’s brother), much to John’s displeasure, turning his smirk into a frown.

I swallowed the mouthful disconsolately.
"No idea," I said. "Sorry."
"OK well that was Taylor Swift actually," he said, making a note on his pad. "Never mind, try this one."

>>11271239
I love stupid meta shit like this.

>>11262163
The sky above the port was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel.

>>11271312

I therefore face an immediate dilemma: spend time and energy coming up with something creative, or just jerk off and swap the first two sentences round for some William-S-Burroughs-style disorientation? Any modern manifesto needs a good hook to snag the reader's attention right away.
If only all my dilemmas were so easy.

Little Timmy Toadenheimer shot out of his mother’s cunt like a crying torpedo.

>>11263625
t. Holden Caulfield
>>11263963
based
>>11264614
>>11264748
>>11271339
perish

>It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... *record scratch* beat it gramps! *sounds of breaking glass, cat meowing* naw dog this ain't one of those stories *starts breakdancing*

Is there anything more absurd in this universe than the smile of a cute and innocent girl?

>>11262299
isn't that from that other Douglas Adams novel with Dirk Gently?

As I layeth in a pool of red crimson, I understood - the good guys don't always win.

>>11262163
Everyone my age remembers where they were and what they were doing when they heard about the contest.

>>11262179
Holy.....I want more.....

>>11262196
Waking up to a loud crash rarely means something good is happening. It's never "CRASH! Mom made pancakes!" or "CRASH! We decided to adopt a Golden Retriever!"

>>11268310
This is actually good, keep writing please.

I opened my chili bin to find some bitch took my GOT DAM M I L K

>>11262170

Die.

>>11272625
I think I read this book like 10 years ago
this is a real opening line right?

>>11272666
yes

My name is Kathy and I have long auburn hair and pale skin with green eyes, also I'm a bit chubby but not fat and I right now I'm wearing a green sweater with cat print, a blue denim jacket and blue jeans and the vans I got from my older sister, Anna.

>>11271312

>>11271333 is not me
Two lonesome eyes stared wildly at the blank white wallpaper - math was always like that. A strong hand pulled me by my frail arm, "don't embarrass yourself" sounded the voice. Five hours two times a week like this - a white wall outside the class door. white walls ripe for kindred fantasy. I remember when i spat and kicked him when i told him he destroyed my life - i remember him sitting on a chair looking into the ground. Morrissey sings; Good time for a change, See, the luck I've had,Can make a good man, Turn bad, and i innerly sing along in naked midnight madness alone in front of a mirror - because i know it's true, and i know i'm finally getting what i want out of life.

Grinning with delight, I stuffed my half-hard needle weenie into the jar of creamy organic peanut butter.

>>11262163
The End.

>>11262163
in a distant land a radical feminist shined her phallic pistol to take down the patriarchal machinery that been clogging her uterus with the grease and oil of patriarchal domination for far, far too long; soon she would have her REVENGE

It's two A.M., I'm stuck in buttfuck Atlantic City, and the only thing fatter than the blunt I'm rolling is the three hundred pound hooker attempting to shove her ham fingers down my pants.

Daenerys Obama, the Twitch streamer's daughter, was literally swept off her big stinky feet.

>>11274949
I hope you die

It was a dark and stormy night

>>11275004
rude

My mommies dick is bigger than mine.

>>11262221
and a very good time it was

And there I were, inches (no, no) mere moments from the face of the myth, the legend, the man in self -- Brandon Sandersan -- of whom I was about to be come saintly acquainted.

My dick is big as shit and I'm only eleven.

>>11262163
Your mother will die in her sleep if you don't read this entire book.

>>11272666
It's from a John Green book

BBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPP. This was the moment that I knew my son had died'd.

>>11275886
kek

Call me Ishmael

>>11274647
>>11274949
good

>>11272954
"Fuck off you PREP" I shouted as my Marylin Mason t-shit raised to the level of my massiv bobs and flashed da boyz.