/lit/ - Literature

>laying down plates of fruit and cold meat, making sure their every possible need was satisfied.
>She smiled shyly.

Actually all of the dialogue is pretty bad tbh.

the 'unlike the majority' is interesting as it leads onto further ideas

the dialogue seems rather crap though, particularly

>"You know how work is for your father. He can't just put the corporation on hold like that."

it's rubbish because it's just explaining the plot/background which wouldn't happen in real life

it's like a phone conversation and the dialogue reads from one end
'What? You're up on the empire state building and a monkey is attacking? I'll be right there'

People don't talk like that. An improvement would be upon my example 'What? I'll be right there' as that's what people would say

with yours: 'You know how work is for your father.'

Expand the corporation by having it naturally emerge in the plot, not artificially through dialogue

Argh, the eternal curse of writing dialogue. I see your point, though.

I might swap out the third line for "Running a corporation leaves your father no time for such trivialities" ?

>>1096728

Well I don't know or care which would be better. But you clearly haven't addressed his problem with your initial line.

>>1096728

no, don't mention the corporation in dialogue. You can mention it outside of dialogue as that is for information the reader doesn't know and should be told. But dialogue consists of information the two characters already know...

Both mother and daughter are aware their father works in a corporation so they wouldn't say 'running a corporation leaves...' because they know he runs one and wouldn't say it.

>>1096732
>>1096734

Kay. I'll not mention it. It does make more sense that way.

Well hey, seeing as there actually seem to be helpful anons around, here's another bit of dialogue from later on, which I hope isn't quite as bad. (also lolscifi)
---------------------

"Hey Tarq. It's been a while."
He smiled as she approached. Tarq had opted for raw power over finesse with his own Spyrer suit, an Orrus model exoskeleton. His head looked comically small between the suit's bulky shoulders. A single-piece carapace of ceramite enveloped his chest, and his legs and arms were buried within bands of alloy and strengthened hydraulic hoses. He raised a massive hand to wave at her.
"Emily. Likewise."
"Ready to hunt some hiver scum?", she asked, grinning.
"You bet. Hey, you want some stimms? Lowe here fitted a dispenser in my suit. Give her some stimms Lowe," he said to a bearded man, who was holding a dataslate in one hand, connected to Tarq's suit with an umbilical cable.
"Master Ko'Iron, the pharmaceuticals are specifically tailored to-"
"Give her some, man! You've gotta try some of this!", he said, turning back to Emily and punching the air a few times with a whine of servo motors.
"I feel great! I feel so energetic!"
"Maybe once we get down there," she said.

>>1096739

>"I feel great! I feel so energetic!"

Is it a commercial?

>>1096743

Good point, but I'm struggling to find a way to alter it. Maybe a better word is "pumped" rather than "energetic", given that it's somebody speaking.

>>1096751

Nah that stinks.

>>1096751

No it's more in the sense that people usually don't go when eating a chocolate bar

'wow, I can taste like six different flavours'

usually people will stay quiet or simply say 'tastes nice'

If you want to get across he feels energetic or great change it from dialogue to 'As the Stimms entered Tarq's body he could feel the energy in him building to a state of ectasy'

not a good example but better to do it that way than through dialogue.

Well shit, I guess it really is a problem writing dialogue when you hardly ever speak to people IRL :/

>>1096759

That's what I'm thinking too. People rarely just up and describe exactly what they're feeling in dialogue.

>>1096759

I would do something like that were it not for the fact that the scene's written from Emily's perspective.

I think I'll just trim it down to "I feel great".

This criticism is useful, thanks people.

>"I feel great! I feel so energetic!"
sounds painfully fake. It would have been decent to use it when describing a character's state when he himself is so baffled/surprised about the experience that he would have no other way to say it.
Imagine him being exhausted and all and then the next moment he's all pumped thanks to the stimulant or whatever, then as if to himself he'd go "I feel...energetic [but i'd use a more creative word]!" as in disbelief. But that would require describing the character's state and if you say it was from another character's POV then obviously she can't feel it for him. The way you put that phrase does make it sound like advertising. Using shorter phrases for situations like these is the best, it leaves more to the imagination of the reader rather than having them read it all with such blandness/cheesiness

yeah it's a little bit shit mate, sorry

>>1096804

I can only assume you had OP left over from another thread?

Actual OP here, maybe /lit/ would like to savage another, later bit.
---------------------

"What do you know about Jack?" he asked.
"He's my brother."
"Well then. Isn't that interesting?", he said, raising his arms and lacing his fingers behind his head. Claire wished very much that he hadn't exposed his armpits like that. The stench was practically visible in the air.
"I think he needs help. Like, medical help," she said.
"Do I look like a doctor?"
"I thought... he comes down here so often. I couldn't think of anywhere else to go."
The man laughed to himself. "Clueless little bitch, aren't ya?"
"But, I thought-"
"Piss off," he snapped. He lifted a can to his lips.
The second man spoke for the first time. His voice was an octave lower than any human's had the right to be. "Wait, Saul," he said.

Ladieeeezzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

>>1096894
i like that dialogue.

>>1096894

"What do you know about Jack?" he asked.
"My brother?"
"He's your brother?"
"Yeah, I thought you knew that."
"Well then, isn't that interesting", he said, raising his arms and lacing his fingers behind his head. Claire tried not to stare at his hairy armpits. She couldn't help but smell them. "Why did you ask?"
"Oh, it's not important"
"Oh. I thought you, well, Jack comes down here so often, I thought you two were friends."
The man smiled and slowly lowered his arms, pushing himself up from his chair.
"We're not."
"But, I thought-"

The second man spoke for the first time, his voice eerily monotnoe and an octave lower than it should have been. "Wait, Saul," he rumbled.
"Step outside, sugartits. Adults are talking here."
She waited outside the door, pacing, trying not to get caught listening to the two were discussing. If she had a way out of the Hive, she would have taken it. Now.

>>1096947
can you get rid of "sugartits?"

think of some other slang to use there to convey that. that word stands out like neon and it interrupts the fluidity.

>"Well then, isn't that interesting", he said, raising his arms and lacing his fingers behind his head.

(new line)Claire tried not to stare at his hairy armpits. She couldn't help but smell them. "Why did you ask?" (this is claire speaking right?)

this line begins with a speaker but a different character does an action. it needs to be seperated for better clarity imo.

>>1096947

Cheers, I might well use some of those alterations.
>sugartits
Lol'd.

The dialogue continues, anyway:
------------------------

"We might be able to get him help," he said. "How badly does he need it?"
"He's lying in our apartment. I think he overdosed on something. There were syringes."
Across the table, the first man paused mid-sip.
"And how badly do you want him to get help?" he continued.
She was slightly taken aback. "I- of course I want him to get help! He needs a doctor, or something."
The man leaned back and crossed his arms. Claire saw that more of the warty skin covered his hands, making his fingers thick and clumsy.
"What's in it for us, if we help you?"
"I thought... aren't you his friends? Like, a gang or something?"
The man burst into crude laughter.
"Your brother isn't worth the shit on my boot heel," he said. "So if you want us to help, you'll need to do something for us in return."
This sounded dubious. "Like what?" she asked.
"There are certain things a young lady like you can provide," he said. He ran the tip of his tongue across his scabrous lips, reaching a hand towards Claire's chest.

"For fuck's sake, Chad!" the first man grabbed him by the wrist, halting the advance of his hand inches away from her. "She's a fucking kid!"
"Nah. Look at them titties, Saul. She's blossoming into womanhood, for sure."
He made another attempt to paw at her, and then there was a crumpling sound as Saul crushed his beer can against the man's head.
"Ow, what the fuck?" he exclaimed.
"You're a freak, Chad."
Saul let out a sigh, and turned to Claire, who was trembling slightly. The colour had drained from her face.
"You said there were syringes?"
"Yeah. Two of them. They had this sort of purple label."

>>1096962
>blossoming into womanhood
Out of place.

I think it is a good start you just need some exposition to shape your characters and bring your audience into the story.

For example:
Why does Emily prefer natural light?
What is going through her head in the shower?
Perhaps, she is thinking on why her father is never there for days like today.
How does she view the relationship between her mother and father, and how as it affected her growing up if at all?
Does she mind being waited on?
perhaps she reflects on her training some? etc etc

>>1096960
"What do you know about Jack?" he asked.
"My brother?"
"He's your brother?"
"Yeah, I thought you knew that."
"Well then, isn't that interesting", he said, raising his arms and lacing his fingers behind his head.
Claire tried not to stare at his hairy armpits. She couldn't help but smell them. "Why did you ask?"
"Oh, it's not important"
"Oh. I thought you, well, Jack comes down here so often, I thought you two were friends."
The man smiled and slowly lowered his arms, pushing himself up from his chair."We're not." (speaker is the same person who does the previous action so it can lumped together)
"But, I thought-"

it's good though. you don't need as much action as your previous post but try to go back to that. i really liked it.

>>1096962
i like the dialogue here...

>>1096965

I imagined it as a stock phrase the guy picked up somewhere and likes to use now and again.

Maybe it can just be changed to "All grown up" or something. Something creepy.

that's the best i can do with 10 hours sleep THIS ENTIRE FUCKING WEEK

>>1096960
oh, sorry, not the OP; just a guy with 10 FUCKING HOURS OF SLEEP ALL WEEK

sorry for the typos too >.<

>>1096978
"Nah. Look at them titties, Saul. She sure looks grown-up enough to me."

maybe? i don't know.

>>1096986
i wouldn't worry. i have shitloads of typos even with sleep. you wouldn't believe how worser my grammar can get sometimes...

>>1096988
lol

>>1096968

I think the extra lines spliced in about her brother sound good, but I can't use them because of the wider context of the scene, it wouldn't really make any sense. Thanks for the rest, though.

Think I'll also follow >>1096966 and describe Emily's thoughts a bit, and then, if anyone's interested, I'll cross-link from here when I post it up on /tg/ later tonight.

English faggot here. Can't make it past the first sentence without immediately losing interest. Sorry OP.

Here is an edited version of your story:

"Emily awoke to natural sunlight as a maid retracted the shutters on her bedroom's panoramic window. She sprang out of bed excitedly, and dashed over to the shower unit, standing impatiently while she was doused with precisely temperature-regulated water and fragrant soaps. Wrapping herself in a hand-woven silken dressing-gown, she hurried down the hall to join her mother at breakfast. The pair of them sat across one corner of the huge table as waiting staff fussed over them, laying down plates of fruit and cold meat."

You are mixing tenses. Don't do that. "had awoken" implies the story is being told a long time after the fact. Unless that's your point, stop, because its irritating.

"So, Emily? How do you feel?"
She smiled. "A little excited, I guess." She sighed. "I just wish father could be here."
"You know your father. He can't just put everything on hold like that."
"Yes, mother."

>>1097009

OP here. I was using "had done such and such", because all that stuff happened before she sat down to have breakfast, which is where the narrative slows down and starts to be told in the normal past tense. But I admit that I don't know about the nuts-and-bolts aspect of writing stuff, I dropped English after GCSE.

I'd kind of like to keep the "unlike most..." part because otherwise there's no significance to the fact that it's natural sunlight any more.

Too many latinate words that you use clumsily.

>Emily had awoken to natural sunlight as a maid retracted the shutters on her bedroom's panoramic window.

Stopped reading there.

>>1097009
>>1097020

OP here, re-worked beginning:

-----------------
Unlike the majority of Hive City Primus' population, Emily awoke to natural sunlight as a maid retracted the shutters on her bedroom's panoramic window. She sprang out of bed excitedly, and dashed over to the shower unit, standing impatiently while she was doused with precisely temperature-regulated water and fragrant soaps. As she scrubbed herself with cleansing foam, her excitement was marred with the first inklings of doubt. She had been training for this day since the age of twelve. Six years on, the thought of finally having the opportunity to use the techniques she had spent so long honing was both exhilarating and terrifying. Recalling the reassuring words of her instructors went some way towards calming her nerves.

She wrapped herself in a hand-woven silken dressing-gown, and hurried down the hall to join her mother at breakfast. The pair of them sat across one corner of the huge table as waiting staff fussed over them, laying down plates of fruit and cold meat, making sure their every possible need was satisfied.

"So, Emily? How do you feel?"
"A little excited, I guess." She sighed. "I just wish father could be here to say goodbye to me."
"You know your father has no time for such trivialities, Emily."
"Yes, mother."

>>1097035
Clumsy?

General advice: Try not to use words that end in “ing” or “ly”. For science fiction, don't use technical sounding words like "shower unit". It reads kind of hokey.

My edited version:

>Emily awoke in a burst sunlight as a maid opened the drapes of her bedroom's panoramic window.1 Emily sprung out of bed and dashed over to the shower.2 The warm water and fragrant soaps washed over her naked body. She wrapped herself in a silk dressing-gown and hurried down the hall to join her mother for breakfast. They sat across the corner of the huge table from one another as the staff fussed over them. The servants laid down plates of fruit and cold meat.
>"So, Emily? How do you feel?"3
>Emily offered a shy smile. "A little excited, I suppose.4 I've trained for this so long." She sighed. "I just wish father could be here to say goodbye to me."
>"You know how work is for your father. He can't just put things on hold like that."
>"Yes, I know."

1. “Retracted” is too wordy. Shutters or drapes? What kind of device are you imagining here? Is it like the exterior shutters in Aliens or something? Should the maid and her exchange a good morning or something?
2. Could use some connecting action sentences between the next few sentences, like "She stepped out the the shower dripping water" or something.
3. This dialogue is expository and should be changed a bit. I've made a few changes to make it a bit more vague.
4.“Suppose” sounds better than “guess” for a high class character.

>>1097038
>Try not to use words that end in “ing” or “ly”

So basically, write at an eighth grade level.

>>1097040
No. Just keep it simple. Gerunds and adverbs make you sound pretentious. Only use them if you want your story to sound purple.

>>1097020
No. Definitely don't reinsert "Unlike most..." It's painfully amateurish. The reader doesn't know what Hive City Primus is like yet, so you give away everything you could explain later and in more juicy detail, just in the opening sentence. The other way is more effective. We already know she is better off than most by her lifestyle.

>because all that stuff happened before she sat down
Oh I see what you are doing. I still find it irritating though. It's pretty pointless altogether.

>>1097038
More good points. Thanks.

>>1097040
Not OP BTW

>>1097044
Here's a good example of why you shouldn't use adverbs:
>She sprung out of bed excitedly
I've never seen someone spring out of bed lazily.

The verb already does all the work. Just use strong verbs to begin with and you won't need to add anything to them with adverbs.

They don't teach that in 8th grade but they should.

>>1097048
right. i forget which author said it, but someone said if you're using an adverb you need to use a better verb.

>>1097045
I wouldn't say "painfully amateurish" but it definitely has to go. Instead of telling the reader about it, just describe a character's descent into the darkness of the Hive City, and describe a inhabitants' crowd. The reader will get the point, but they'll also get a mental image, and that's what you're after.

>>1097064
right. showing is always better than telling.

>>1097064
>>1097068

I can see your point here, but the story isn't really long enough for me to do a great deal of exposition by showing things. Emily is actually a more minor character; most of the 6300-word bulk is concerned with Claire. They meet at the very end.

And given that Emily's stuff gets described before the narrative switches to Claire's perspective, the reader will see "natural sunlight" first, out of context with everything else, and go "so what?".

>>1097073
well i look forward to seeing your work in it's entirity. honest. and yeah, sometimes you have to sum things up. but you can always show a small scene that's worth ten times as many words in regards to characterization. my opinion anyways...

>>1097048
Here's an example of why you shouldn't use a gerund.
>She had sprung out of bed excitedly, and dashed over to the shower unit, standing impatiently while she was doused with precisely temperature-regulated water and fragrant soaps.
This is really two or three sentences strung together with an "ing".
>Emily sprung out of bed and dashed over to the shower. The warm water and fragrant soaps washed over her naked body.
You shouldn't make sentences longer than they need to be, especially if you're contrasting an active moment with a passive moment like in the example. Also, it gives you a chance to break long stings of parallelism, which increases variety overall. Long sentences do have their uses, though, such as when your short sentences are just piling up and you need a break in the rhythm.

>>1097073
One thing that bugs me though is the "natural sunlight". Coming from the story not knowing anything about it, that just strikes me as redundant. Sure, there could be "artificial sunlight", but it's better to differentiate that from real sunlight later on in story, rather than earlier on, if you see what I mean.

OP here, the story in its entirety, posted to /tg/:

>>>/tg/11939071

Thanks for the advice, /lit/.

>>1097089

I don't, no.

I use gerunds all the time. ALL THE TIME.

:(

>>1097372
Translators hate that.

>>1097381

That's fine, I hate translators. Fuck 'em.