/lit/ - Literature

I think it should be 'amongst'.

this is shit who starts their story with a fucking cliche? you suck OP

>>1094343
Plenty of writers start with cliches. It's the ones who can write something worth reading using that cliche that are worth reading.

I don't know what's it like in the US OP, but you could find a very reasonable hotel for $100 a night in the UK, and a grand would stretch much longer than a week.

Hate to burst your bubble, but it's not publishable. It's readable, but not publishable.
Like the other anon said, the entire thing is far too cliche.

Plus this : "my legs felt like a mixture of diarrhea and spaghetti."

Never use a phrase like that again.

>I’m 20 years old and I’m never going to get any younger
i stopped reading

get some actual critique from people who know their shit before you praise your own work

I don't even know if you're a troll because it was too painful to keep reading and find out.

>I'm 20 years old and I'm not going to get any younger

BOOOOOOOORRRIING

You're trying to say entirely too much with your opening sentence. You're trying to get to "Call me Ishmael," and you won't. Don't overstep what you're capable of. Within the next three sentences the promise of someone regretful of their age is instantly dispelled because they're just another angst ridden young adult who is bitching about his mistakes at AGE 20.

>>1094344

You might want to practice what you preach there.
In all honestly, there is nothing original about your story.
The main character is a college drop out: nice, polite, awkward with women, but well intentioned, who is taken in by an eccentric but seemingly pleasant old man, complete with a "forbidden room."
Also, who in the hell moves in with someone they just met? He should've been at least a trifle suspicious.

Then there's the love interest. The classic "mysterious girl," who's no doubt going to transform him from a shy dropout into a confident go getter.

No offence OP, but nobody in their right mind would publish this.

Apart from you.

Is OP a troll? Or is OP just a bad writer?

Only time will tell.

this thread is not how op intended

>>1094414

This is /lit/.

The thread is NEVER what OP intended.

So OP, going to comment on our valuable criticism?
Or are you just going to lurk in the hope that somebody writes something positive?

>>1094344
Don't cover your ass. Either take the critique or don't.

Nothing pisses me off more than people who talk back in workshop classes, this is the same thing.

Great story OP! i loved every second of it.

Screw all the haters, there just angsty hipster fags.

>>1094436

Oh you.

>>1094427
I've been reading all of the criticism, it's pretty funny stuff. You have to realize though...the teenage readers love stupid shit like this.
I pose a question:
What would you change the opening sentence to?

>>1094391
>Then there's the love interest. The classic "mysterious girl," who's no doubt going to transform him from a shy dropout into a confident go getter.

I don't think so Tim. Go read something like Welcome to the NHK (novel version), the main character barely gets any better than how he started.

>Good enough to be published as a novella

Hardly ANYTHING is good enough to be published as a novella, you realise? Most publishers won't consider them at all. Unless your first name is "Stephen", your last name is "King", and you've got ten short stories to publish with it in an anthology, there's very little interest in novellas.

>I don't know what's it like in the US OP
but I think that numbers for ages and such are best written in letters when it comes to serious narrative. Er, english is my 3rd language anyway so I wouldn't know for sure.

>>1094892

>the teenage readers love stupid shit like this.

>>1094334

>So /lit/, lately I've been writing a story. It's a good story.

lol OP

>>1094909
I go back and do it when I'm done

>>1094905
lololol h8rs gonna h8

>the story isn't weeaboo etc at all
>Go read something like Welcome to the NHK
No op, you are the weaboos

too many commas make it sound disjointed bro

>>1094912

Except the "h8ers" in this case are virtually all people in publishing, so it does kind of matter. You can spout internet memes and pretend you are so very flippant and nonchalant about the opinions of the people who make this business their fucking life, but it doesn't change the fact that your story is not good enough to be published as a novella. It's not good enough to be published even if you make it into a novel.

I suppose you'll come back with a "cool story, bro" or a "u mad", but pretending you don't give a shit doesn't change the fact that you have a very dull, poorly written story with zero marketability, full of mistakes that would get you marked down in high school English.

>write something better then faggot
go to bed palahniuk

>>1094931
>full of mistakes that would get you marked down in high school English.
You mean grammar mistakes?

>>1094921
Uh the novel, rather, Welcome to the NHK as a whole is not weeaboo in the slightest.
>>1094923
But, you know, sometimes it's just, how should I put it, better if I do it like I did back in that one year, when was it?
>>1094931
Alright then, maybe if I showed you some of my published work then you would shut the fuck up? It's in some magazines, ~3, 4 years old? Note, more than one magazine.

>>1094943
I smirked. Thank you.

>>1094948
I WAS ASKING SERIOUSLY I HAVENT'T READ IT

>>1094951
uwah, okay then. Well, I'd wait until I post the redone first two chapters.

>>1094947
>It's in some magazines, ~3, 4 years old?
Are you wondering about the target demographic of those magazines? Yes, I'd say five, tops.

>>1094956
Probably not~
One of them was Ascent, which is a published literary journal

Sorry, bro, but its not good. It reads like amateur fanfic.
I suggest reading Cory Doctorow's Little Brother; you seem like you're trying to go in his direction with your work and it's GOOD young adult stuff. So maybe read that (its free on his site, so you have no excuses), realize your mistakes, rewrite and make it interesting

Some of the problems-

1. Formatting. You don't need to format online fiction like a manuscript- in fact, it can be difficult to read if you do- but you still start a new line or paragraph when the conversation switches to another person, and those paragraphs are far too long.

2. Dreadful, hackneyed cliches, such as "I stopped, rubbing my eyes to make sure I was seeing this right". Think about it, does the image of your character comically rubbing his eyes like an anime character really work well?

3. Frequently clumsy phrasing, such as "tears were dripping off my face as gravity and momentum pulled the liquid downwards". Your reader doesn't think that a team of small pixies are removing the tears and need this point clarifying for them. A simple "tears streamed from my eyes" would have done fine.

4. Poor storytelling. It opens with an unsympathetic character bitching about how his life is over at twenty because he failed college, along with thousands of other students, and his parents throw him out for some reason. Then he luckily stumbles into a kindly old man who immediately offers him a job and a home, and a hot girl who sounds like some kind of anime character walks in and begins to flirt with him. All in one chapter.

It's rushed and has no emotional impact. "And then this happened, and then this happened JUST BECAUSE". You're telling a bare bones story, not filling it out. We have no idea who the hell your character is or what life he is leaving behind, or why his parents kick him out so abruptly. It doesn't matter if you plan to explore this later on, because you will lose readers NOW.

>>1094986
It was more for effect, but yeah, now that you mention it, it does seem pretty stupid.

Does anyone else suspect that despite the amount of effort that must have gone into writing so much bullshit, he still just might be a troll?

>>1094990
Bitching about his life...
Well, look at this story
"Despite it being a new millennium, there was no hope in sight. I even cried while eating my soup. For an unemployed, twenty two year old male college dropout, the winter chill was piercing."

Opening lines from a best selling Japanese novel.
In fact, a lot of the comedy comes from the character bitching about his life, though he thinks its the fault of a conspiracy lol

>>1094990
Thanks for saying it for me, anon. The "tears were dripping off my face as gravity and momentum pulled the liquid downwards" was just horrible. Sorry, but it really is just awful.

>>1094997
He's not saying that bitching about life is BAD, shit a LOT of good literature is about that. Hell most of it is. But I gotta say, that opening line...is MUCH better than yours. And he's still saying pretty much the same thing. Again, read more then apply what you've learned.

>>1094998
But the normal, lackluster line "tears streaming from my face" is exactly that. Normal and lackluster.

>>1095003
But it gets the point across. Don't try to be wordy if you don't need to be. You're describing a hectic scene, use short sporadic sentences to reflect that. The guy's head must be spinning from the options he now has to face. It SHOULD be gripping, but instead its not because you bring in the physics of his momentum and fuck it all up

>>1095003
If readers actually care about the character, saying something simple as "he began to cry" would be far more of an emotional payload than your overly pretentious tripe.

>>1095009
See, THIS is the type of criticism I will actually read and take into account. It has reason and isn't indirectly insulting. Thank you for this. I will more than likely go back and fix the line.

>>1094997
>>1094947
>>1094898
when the only novel you can cite is japanese in origin - hell, not even a real novel, a LIGHT NOVEL - yeah, that kind of makes you a weeaboo.

not only that, but you're a pretentious asshole with a pretty nasty case of unwarranted self-importance.

>hey guys read my book it's good enough to get published lol
>YOU GUYS ARE JUST HATERS ;__; ANYONE CAN SEE I HAVE TRUE TALENT

>>1094892
Im a teenager and I do not love your shit one ounce

>>1095018
I just happened to have it open and in front of my face at the moment so yeah, I'm going to cite it if it applies to the situation. And light novel or not, it's the equivalent to a novella ala The Mist, since, you know, ln is 99% the same thing as novella.

If you're writing for young adults, I'd check out some of the big names, and see how these books introduce the main character and his current situation (Harry Potter starting out in his cupboard/your MC is at college) and then introduce the change (Harry is a wizard/your MC is thrown out of home) to get some idea of the pacing.

>>>1094997

Yeah, but that's a best selling novel. You can write a whiny character sympathetically, but it is very hard to do right, and very easy to do wrong. And starting off with a paragraph about "My life is OVER, God himself is mocking me with this fine and sunny day!" is rarely a good idea for even a talented author because it's just not interesting to read. If you want to open at that point in the story, you could.. say, open with your character running through the streets, probably ending up in some dangerous or otherwise distressing situation. Or maybe in his crap hotel room, being harassed by the drug addict next door. Then you can move onto how he got there. Catch your reader's attention and make them sympathetic because they see that your character's life has gone to shit, not because they're told that his life has gone to shit.

OP, I'm not going to make this a personal insult, don't take it personally and write it off as a silly troll whose opinion on the work you asked us to critique means nothing.

It's been said already, but the cliches ruin the story. I've heard the story a million times, kid is down on his luck, impossible opportunity presents itself, meets girl.
Get some originality bro, a few writing classes wouldn't hurt either.
Best of luck

>>1095035
Ah I see. Hmm, substituting that into the story, it does seem like a good idea. So, would I like include a monolouge by the mc as to why he is in his shitty motel room being harassed? I mean, I'm not just going to say 'Hey, I'm in this shitty motel room being harrased by a druggie, you'll never know why!'

>>1095042
I myself am a poor college student, so classes are out of the question. Thank you though for the idea

>>1095043

Yeah, move onto how he got there afterwards. Opening dramatic scene, character retreats to room, locks door with shaking hands, sits down on bed. Wonders what the hell to do next, now he is here in this shitty hotel room with only $1000 to his name (establishing situation). And to think, only yesterday, he had a life... and you're off, covering what his life was like and how he got there.

That's just an example and you can probably come up with better, but yeah, it's good to start with something going on. That could be your guy at college getting his results and realising his life is over, mid-argument as he's thrown out of the family home, or being harassed by the drug addict in the hotel.

>>1095073
Wow thanks, I am now looking at this story completely differently...lol grammar.