/lit/ - Literature

>>10789111
If you actually whish to die for the sake of a country, you actually deserve those bullets.

>>10789111
not really a confession, but i have this problem where i convince myself that i need to read basic introductory things as a prerequisite to reading anything related to the topic. but when i'm reading the introductory stuff i get bored and feel like i'm being condescended to so i stop reading it. it happens every time but i still feel like i have to do it.

Im terrified of large bodies of water.
I regularly have nightmares about.
I dont know how to stop it.

>200000 documented civilian dead in Iraq war
>400 people shot in school shootings
Excuse me for not caring. White lives are over valued. This is not controversial.

>>10789111
I have no dark or deep thoughts
I'm just a dumb sissy faggot who is really attracted to girls but thinks vaginas are disgusting

>>10789301
now this is deep...

>>10789301
Is an ant more valuable than a man?
Is a man not more valuable than horse?
Is a man not worth more than a lesser man?

Common thing these days. Not only for reading, but for life. People think they need to do something before doing something else. That's true to some extent, but it often gets out of control to anxious people. You might get a better understanding of something if you've read something else before, but why is it a necessity that you'd get "the better way" to read it? Specially when the very quest for that better way makes you not even reach the way (not even in a mediocre way). There is nothing wrong with reading something you don't fully understand (you'll never "fully understand" anything anyway), nothing wrong with doing it in a mediocre way and then working on making it better later through other readings or even reading again that initial piece you went for.

>>10789591
>There is nothing wrong with reading something you don't fully understand
We all began as something small - this is obvious - why ever read something you already understand?

>>10789609
Exactly

I wanna be a girl but I'm not gay

I've often thought and fantasized of carrying out murders and torture. I'm curious about the taste of human flesh, and no, I'm not trying to be edgy

>>10789111
i wanna boyfriend and im a boy too...

>>10789111
God isn't dead and ya'll trying to kill em

>>10789111
I like to write edgy stuff because I hate my life and want to make social commentary

>>10789111
There is in fact a secret gnosis, a hidden knowledge. Those who had this knowledge in past ages were called prophets, and they knew as they were known. The testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy (Rev. 19:10)- the knowledge is the actual, direct revelation of Christ's Godhead to the individual, sufficient to forever dispel doubt and convince the human soul. This is in fact an infinite knowledge, as to know something for certain implies also that one knows that one knows it, and so on, ad nauseam.
I once came close to this knowledge. I saw but did not see, only tasted of the light, the holiness and perfection worthy of all worship. I healed the sick, I heard the whispered voice, but I could not see the invisible. The true enlightenment escaped me.
I have regressed. I never attained unto it. I may yet.

>>10790549
lol gay

I believe art is the only worthwhile human endeavor and that all of civilization should be restructred around this idea. I believe the divine manifests itself through the creation of beautiful works and that their creators are our prophets. All suffering is justified for this.

I have a three inch erection and I’m circumcised.
When I was younger, my dad used to shave me, cut my nails, trim my pubes, pop pimples on my face and back, would smell my penis to make sure it smelled nice, would do the same for my armpits, and would sometimes shower with me. This went on until I was around 16 and he would also beat me if I ever denied him.
I find nudity, porn, and sex uncomfortable. Rule 34 makes me physically sick.
Every weekend for the past four years, I’ve gone to the movies or taken a nap in my car and told my mom I was out with friends. I’ve also told her I’m dating a Korean girl who was in one of my university classes.
When I was younger, girls at school used to hug me and random and would also tell me they loved me. Eventually I found out they would dare each other to hug guys they found especially creepy/ugly and I was a prime target. One of them also started a rumor I was stalking her because we lived on adjacent streets, after which most of my friends stopped associating with me.
I read and write cheesy romance fiction. I read pic related every year around Christmas

i think we were right long ago when we decided the buried dead had been driven under by their invaders and now roamed half vengeful half helpful like a battered wife or abused child in dark places or disguise and hunger and when we decided to lie to them about the beauty in this world and that they were good neighbours who kept things friendly and could have their cow back if we'd taken it and steal our children to replace them with their own and called our own ones bundles of rags that were fit for the dustbin in case they might jump up and say they'd had enough of this palaver and go back home and leave our really precious things wander back out from the woods ground growing over the pebbles and dash and mounds of earth and bodies they had left behind when they had felt invaded by another's presence. i think we'd have better ghosts now if we'd listened and they're still listening earnestly for the dropped word and loose tongue that calls this place something other than hell and presents an escape from under there or gives a name to a precious thing and thus the means to take it.

>>10791170
jesus

i've literally become so obsessed with the notion of human degeneracy that it has actually turned into participation, compared to observation.
with all the people i interact with, literally no one knows this. it's almost as if im living two seperate lives and i dont know how it even works.
also i wholistically believe this as well >>10791146, bar the point where civilization should be reconstructed around the idea. the whole notion of art can only exist if its preceding generation allowed for sufficient means to construct, which often means a lot of peoples life disregarding the idea of art.
>>10789591
people always need permission before they do ANYTHING these days. no one can act on their own accord
>>10789306
baginas are literally the most overrated part of a woman

>>10789111
As far as we can see, 100% of anything just doesn’t exist. This is seen everywhere. Nothing can ever get 100% bad, ever. It can always get worse. You can’t rate a person as 100% good or bad because everyone is a mix. Water can never be 100% purified. You can never be 100% depressed. Almost everything is in a grey mix, all in the middle.

This also jumps into events in history, or, rather, the future. There’s a big chance a huge solar flare WONT hit us and set us back to a hunter gatherer society, but it is possible. Possible enough to happen. Tomorrow,you could die in a car accident. Unlikely, but it’s there. The “normalcy” our lives are predicated on is all a lie and can change completely out of fucking nowhere.

Also, noticing that nothing is permanent, and almost everything fades. Not just you, or others, but the book you’re reading now, or the chair you’re sitting on, or the bed you’re laying in is slowly breaking down. In 10 years, that shit is as good as dead. It’ll be thrown away like everything else. You’re legs work today, but in the future they WILL get worse. But this is just Buddhism so not my thought, but it’s been on my mind.

>>10791273
this is an interesting perspective, what made you start looking at things this way

No matter how fond I am of other people's company I always want go back to my hole and shut myself in.

I was fine for years without girls but after all my friends getting gfs, family pressure, and I accidentaly hooking up with a friend (which ended quickly and led to nothing but the desire for more), I'm tainted with the idea I'd be happier with a girl.

I download Tinder and start talking to qts, then I remember I always end relationships because I can't fucking stand them after a few months and if I don't get my alone time, I go insane. I proceed to bust a nut and realize this was all my brain wanting to fuck. I stop talking to said qts and crawl back into the hole of "self-improvement".

I often wonder if I'm wasting my life away by doing this and not fucking bitches everyday like people say I should, then again, is this living?
I don't need a girlfriend, I need a therapist.

>>10791170

>>10789306
>vaginas are disgusting

they are disgusting. theyre slimey and smell like fish and full of germs

>>10791273
There is an 100% chance that your consciousness exists at this current moment.

>>10791170
well you won anon fucking hell

>>10789306
vaginas are disgusting as fuck i think non-virgins would agree

doesn't matter if she's the cleanest girl on earth, that slit is slimy and bleeds and sweats its gross

i wish i was asexual

>>10789111
After sex i just end up losing almost all desire for a relationship with a girl
Thankfully I met a girl whose fetish is me cheating on her but it actually kind of bothers me that I can care genuinely about girls as people but then feel no attachment after we start having sex, i just want a new one
Honest to god confuses me

>>10791178
uh, wut?

>>10789111
I physically can't get myself to focus on writing unless I get one of my uncommon random bursts of energy or I'm under extreme pressure. What kills me is that I know I enjoy writing and I have the capability to write well, but I can't even motivate myself to get up in the morning, much less write. I think I might have attention deficit disorder (and depression too but that's a whole other story). I fear that taking meds might affect my creativity which people tend to compliment and I'm skeptical about the effectiveness of therapies.

>>10791473
try marrying a tranny

Nothing fucking matters. We will all die, the earth will disappear and the universe will cease to exist. And yet by some biological programming I can't just seem to say fuck wage-slaving and live the hedonistic life style. I, as most people do, continue striving to increase our savings, push our career ahead and stay comfy and safe. All to what end?

>>10789111
i dont really have any deep dark thoughts

i dont know how to reconcile hating anyone who is into lolis but also being into them at the same time. its some pedo shit im not proud of

my half sister came onto me years ago and we got a bit freaky, but im taking that to the grave with me

those r my skellies

>>10791477
I'm >>10791434 and yes this is the most relatable thing for me in relationships.

>>10791493
KEEP LOOKING

>>10791496
Honestly once my gf told me she didn't want me to be monogamous and encouraged me to go out with other girls while still seeing her I felt a lot more relaxed. I don't really know why but it felt like there was a lot of pressure off the whole thing, like I didn't need to force a relationship with anyone but I could just see someone if I wanted to but otherwise not, and if it was just sex then it was just sex. Obviously doesn't work for everyone but I've started to think maybe we really aren't all wired for monogamy.
I really don't desire to hurt anyone but I'm starting to wonder if maybe some people just need more than one person

I have a paranoid feeling some over-funded government agency is making these threads to carry out surveillance on guys like >>10789748

>>10791520
would require too much manpower plus i'm firstly not quite sure it's illegal to say what he's saying and secondly don't think anyone would care until he actually tried

>>10791490
This is why we will always be considered “good” but never “great”. It is a fatal personality defect. It’s as if our creativity were chained to a corpse.

>>10791506
I saw this entity, between the gaps in the atoms along a grid, like looking between parallel lines.

>>10791170
what the fuck

>>10789123
same here. but I make myself finish it.

>>10791287
The process of this sort of started from just as kid, you know? Everything I read/watched sort of fit in with this idea. What helped solidify it the most, oddly enough, was reading Albert Ellis and his theory about Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy.

Essentially what REBT is, is that depression and anxiety come from the irrational statements we tell ourselves: “I need a girlfriend,” for example. This is irrational because you don’t ever truly NEED this. However, as humans, we are very good at confusing wants with needs. Therapy comes into play by trying to philosophically convert the neurotic’s dogmatism to these irrationally claims, by showing him how the rational claim is true, and also better at bringing happiness: “I want a girlfriend, but I never need one.”

Anyways, all of REBT is about looking at things rationally, and with rationality/science, there are almost no absolutes. Interestingly, though, human beings tend to make things into absolutes when they aren’t really. Once those absolutes (I “need” a girlfriend) don’t come to pass we feel like shit, when we could feel merely remorseful, and moderately upset.

Right now I’m reading Nassim Taleb’s The Black Swan and it further shows that shit can just fucking happen out of nowhere (good and bad) and you had no idea it was coming at all, and it impacts your life like nothing else.

>>10791461
Couldn’t even this have the possibility of being false, though? This present moment could be a dream. Would this be considered consciousness? I’m no solipsistic, however, as far as we know, there is only a real big PROBABILITY that this is consciousness and that we are alive. Maybe you’re right though.

>>10791434
You're right that you'd benefit from a therapist.

I understand the feeling, but look at how you are not willing to go through a relationship that will eventually turn to shit after a few months. A lot of relationships are like that, but that doesn't mean they are not worthwhile. Sometimes it has more to do with being honest with yourself and learning to hear when things are turning shit and talk about it with the otherperson, either changing something or breaking up altogether.

Wanting to be alone is not wrong, remember this. You may say you already know this, but remember it anyway, specially because in a relationship you may want to learn to create this space for your own. You'd have to communicate the other about it, it's something that is negotiable.

I advise against the "hole of self-improvement", which is a great way to describe it. Masturbation, being alone, it's satisfying, but in a way that is very different from life with other people (or even with other activities, other places, anything new). It's not the same reward as to put yourself out there and hear the feedback of another, whether it is an orgasm, a fight or just talking to a friend about whatever. I don't think it is about "fucking bitches everyday", but overcoming a certain fear of being engulfed by the other. You may be happier with a girl or not, but I'd say don't have a fixed goal. By going out and talking to people, you may get sex, a job opportunity, or simply friendship, more so, you'd get to meet and have a clearer view of who you are and how you handle the situations of the world, what you like and what you'd like to do from then on.

That doesn't mean you don't get to be alone, but it means that you'd have to negotiate that time with the world, as you already do and will always do. It's just easier to decide for one and stick to it without having to talk to people about it, identifying yourself as a loner, but don't be afraid to exercise both going out and going in. You are allowed not to stay.

>>10791170
>this is the typical John Green reader

>>10792737
^case opposing Aristotle absolutism of is/are
^what do you think of E-prime as a solution?

>>10789111
ive made full circle to being religious again. this happened when my gay brother, sincerely, interrupted my other brother and i when we were joking about cucks and said, "whats wrong with being a cuck?" now im starting to think these people shouldnt have families.

is there such a thing as catholic fascism?

I stepped into a photo booth, if anybody even remembers what the fuck those were, in San Antonio texas when I was a kid. I had never been in one before, just wanted to see what it was like.

The first step i took in, i felt a weird sensation under my foot. I looked down, and there was the biggest piece of shit I've ever seen in my life on the photo booth floor. I mean, it had to be almost a foot long, and thick. This was in the middle of a fucking shopping mall, and somebody just strolled into a photo booth and took a mondo dook in it.

I basically ran out of the mall, leaving shit tracks everywhere.

That incident, I think, really formed a lot of my opinion on humanity. That's what humanity is man, just assholes taking shits in photo booths, whether intentionally or as some sort of emergency, doesn't matter, people do shit like that.

>>10791273
>>10792737
are you me? i noticed that in my whole life everything was in the middle. im gonna read this REBT thanks, might be useful

I'm horrified by democracy. Plebs are too stupid to choose trustworthy people
this includes myself

>>10792933
This is why in the beginning of America, the right to vote wasn't given out to anybody. You had to obtain a certain amount of wealth, in order to vote.

I've heard a lot of black people say that they're living in an america that wasn't originally designed for them. Well, it wasn't designed for hardly anybody actually. It was designed for rich, successful people in mind, that's all. The idea of a surplus population, or waste people, was very much in the minds of all american and european thinkers of the time. The idea that only a small percentage of the population actually accomplishes anything, and everyone else are just useless parasites.

There's something to all that. There's also something to the notion that we had are biggest period of economic prosperity when we empowered the working class the most. I don't really know what the answer is...

>>10792933
People should realize that in order to have good things happening we need to make choices we are not willing to make.

No authority can force it, no democracy can choose it, no state will allow it, no anarchists could make it. Left and right.

But we pretend anyway.

>>10789645
Why

>>10791138
And you're a faggot

>>10789252
It's a rational fear, I just stay away from water

>>10792693
oh, i always finish them too. but i never feel like i accomplished anything by doing it.

>>10789111
While I do believe it's near impossible for a society to be without a leader, there are few that have ever lived, and even fewer in modern civilization, that don't deserve to have the ever-living shit mercilessly kicked out of them. They're all disgustingly power-hungry sociopaths that see people as nothing short of meaningless numbers, and they'll say and do whatever it takes to maintain the power they have, since they can get away with essentially any crime they want. On top of that, they rarely ever get in any trouble at all for merciless crimes (including rape and murder) because they have the power to get opposition killed. Being from the United States, nothing is more blatant than the understanding that both Republicans and Democrats, and especially the new brand of Alt-Righters and advocates for, "social justice," are generally fucking stupid when it comes to politics. They will blindly support any suit wearing snake that's from the same party, no matter what they say. The two-party system is a cancer, and both parties involved are very strikingly similar, in that they let almost the same people get away with doing the same disgusting crimes.

On top of that, I'm not sure of the scale, but the Mafia still maintains power in the United States government, whether most would like to believe that or not. The ones that get caught and punished are generally lower-level mobs or just wannabe dagos trying their hand at glorifying something they read out of a Mario Puzo novel or saw in one of the film canon's three hour long mafia movies. Real members of the mafia are treated much better off than the average citizen in court, and I've witnessed it firsthand. Someone who deserves life in prison or the death penalty can get off with only a year, even if they directly insult the judge repeatedly and interrupt the process of the court.

>>10791170
holy shit

I fear I'll end up like Travis Bickle. thank god my country doesn't have the retarded murican's gun laws or probably i would've already snapped

>>10792759
I appreciate this and I believe you're right. Thank you.

>>10789111
I thought about killing my mother with a kitchen knife every night from my 6-11th birthday. She doesn't know how often she might not have woken up. I'm still sad about having wasted such a great opportunity for there would not be a real punishment for a minor, unlike now.

Some people deserve to die. Unable to do anything but let it happen looking you in the eye and using their last moments on this earth contemplating which straw broke the camels back.

I have obsessive intrusive thoughts about the absurdity of language, both written and spoken. I fear I will overanalyze this to the point of forgetting how to speak and read and listen.

>>10789122
I bet you live in the third world

>>10792881
Korzybski’s “Science and Sanity” is on the reading list. The abridged version at least.

>>10792929
Haha best book to start of with Ellis is “how to stubbornly Refuse to feel miserable about anything, yes anything.” Super self helpy title but he goes through the theory very well. There’s a lecture by him on YouTube called “How to be a perfect non perfectionist.” Changed my life.

What’s interesting is that his approach to psychotherapy isn’t about insight in the past or any of that shit. All it’s about is changing your philosophy to a more rational one and as a result, you’ll be much more happy.

0
Fucking
Will
What is wrong with me
I've been spoiled all my life, and I am aware of how fucking lazy I am but I'm not doing anything about it.
What do?

I jerk off and procrastinate way too much
each day i tell myself, tomorrow i will go to the gym, tomorrow i will get up earlier, tomorrow i won't masturbate and somedays i do all these things, but 99% of the time i do.

i don't know how to break this cycle

>>10793036
I do stay away from water.
It doesnt stop me from frequently having nightmares though.

>>10793658
>What do?
something about it

I'm a fascist
Also i like to use lewd pictures to start my threads on blue boards and i don't exactly know why.

>>10791170
Please don't actually be real

>>10789122
I just live in the real world you trash eating idealist. Shove that patriotism up your ass.

>>10793579
I just live in the real world you trash eating idealist. Shove that patriotism up your ass.

>>10791493
Yes *burp* m...Morty the w..world doesnt make any *burp* sense

I often fantasize about bad things happening to people I love to use as a crutch for sympathy. I often fantasize about bad things happening to my coworkers/boss/etc so I don't have to deal with fucking stupid shit at work. Of course none of them deserve any of this, if anything I deserve the worst things.

I hate the word deserve.

>>10792933
TYRANNY OF THE MAJORITY BABY, FUCK THE EMPIRICALLY SANE CHOICE

>>10789111
I can't function as an adult without stimulants so logically I should kill myself to not be a burden, but I'm too much of a pussy to do that which makes me more of a weak retard. People think I'm smart but it's just the meds. I can't stand liars but I've become one myself; I'm lying every day by pretending to be a functioning adult.

>>10794040
Mah nigga who uses judgmental cruelty as a defense mechanism

>>10793187
Holy fuck.
How were you a witness to this?

>>10794157
My own father is a member. I had no idea as a child, but once I found out that he was, everything from my childhood made so much sense. I was abused constantly, and was a witness to drug deals a multitude of times. He'd organized several robberies (none of which he'd partake in, lower level drug dealers that were significantly younger would do those for him), sold whores, organized arson scams, would fake murders, and killed at least one person to my own knowledge. He was in charge of, "construction," on this Econo Lodge, which was really a cover up for a huge drug ring, specifically the sale of prescription pain pills and cocaine.

Hell, that doesn't even scratch the surface. I was a room away when he stabbed my older brother in the hand (whose life he made sure to ruin; he'd have been a lawyer had my father not gotten involved). He also took pictures of me naked at age nine that he sent to someone, and to this day I have no idea who.

Anyways, to cut this significantly shorter, my dad had many connections. More people know him than I could ever imagine, and just the mention of my last name sends any middle-aged fat Italian from around here to reminisce of the time he defended their daughter or gave them some large amount of money for something. I don't have evidence that he personally had connections with government officials, but seeing how he only went to prison for eight months after being found guilty of selling prescription pills and abusing my mother and I (somehow, any other crime he committed, no matter how public, ever seemed to get found out about, nor discussed) after directly threatening the judge in court, calling her a, "pig whore," and sending her personal letters threatening her family, it leaves me suspicious. They treated my mother and I as if we were the ones in the wrong as it progressed, and to this day he's living and breathing just fine in a decently expensive house. The amount of people I've met from around this area of some Sicilian decent that have direct mafia connections, rather similar to my own, which seemed shocking to me personally, rubs me the wrong way. On top of that, I've found that much of what my father did shares many parallels with the, "rumors," about government figures and their connections to crime, and it checks out with American history that the mafia would still maintain power after all of this time. After all, the government has funded them on numerous occasions. Sure, in the United States, you don't often hear much about them anymore, but I've heard of how strong they remain in Italy.

This may all sound very far fetched, but once you uncover one thing you weren't supposed to know about, deductive reasoning allows for you to fill in the blanks with answers that most have already speculated. The world is a scary place.

>>10794525

>>10791487
brb worshipping the dead

>>10793682
Change other things about your lifestyle that are causing the habitual patterns that you don't like. Go and get a job. Volunteer your time away if you can't get a job. Just get out of the house and change your situation -- change the bigger picture. Once that changes, you'll find it easier to tweak those specifics you want about your life.

>>10789111
I'm slowly being convinced that democracy is retarded. I think want a constitutional monarchy

t. Catholic

>>10795281
>I think want a constitutional monarchy
>t. Catholic
bit early to be preparing for bonfire night

>>10792987
they call it autogynephilia, and I believe they may be right

>>10795300
wat

>>10795410
you don't want to ask too many questions, someone might answer

>>10794127
nigga that's literally most (if not everyone) your age

>>10795414
but there were good monarchs

>>10791170
Oh man, hope you can leave your house soon and start over.

>>10793351
what did she do to you?

I try hard to make my father proud but everything I do, it has no effect on evoking pride in me

>>10795396
I know that fuckin feel bro

my biological family is toxic to me. constantly slamming things around the house. I had multiple cardiovascular events because of them. I leave the house. the wind is strong and cold. forced to come back. same issues. I can sense the level of brain damage. they're a net loss to the tribe and my primal instincts kick in. I feel the stress build. you underestimate how uncaring the dregs of society are. there politeness is phony. this living situation has an impact on my dreams, sex fantasies, cardiovascular health. I try to run but get jewed out of money every way I go. the mechanic. doctor. police officer. are all there to jew me out of money and I get farther away from escaping these people. quite ironic when I walk through the living room and here a story of a boy killing parents.

>>10789111
I hate all of you thoroughly and think these threads are CIA social experiments

>>10796658
Holy kek

>>10793354
Thank you for sharing this fascinating post, anon

>>10791120
Again, but less faggy please

>>10793579
not at all. im not the poster above but i agree with him

>>10792919
lost my shit (pardon the pun). thanks anon

>>10791464
decartes is a brainlet and so are you

>>10793354
me too anon. not only language though, this happens to me with many different things. breathing and shit too its pretty scary

>>10793682
you can't. you are trapped to inadequacy for your entire existance. you will never be able to do what you want to do. Curious that Human beings can't do what they want to do, makes you feel like you aren't the one in control - that there are unknown forces in your mind pulling the puppet strings, whilst you sit in the drivers seat thinking you have complete control but really you are just a puppet of your subconscious. We aren't alone in our minds - that scares me. WHY CANT I DO WHAT I WANT TO DO

I believe that everyone I meet is indescribably beautiful but I am afraid or unable to tell them this

I have for the better part of my life assumed myself to be of greater intelligence compared to my peers - often reinforced by my academic achievements.

I am now in Med school, and still am perhaps one of the top students but i perpetually feel stupid and incapable.

In my life, the inner voice was always able to construct a rational thought process but these days it's dying, it barely talks - i feel i am getting more and more stupid. It occassionaly comes back and puts me in a feverish frenzy, incoherent ramblings late at night making me unable to sleep then dies and does not return for a long time. I do not want to live if my inner voice is disappearing.

I avoid most people and feel repulsed from them, perhaps out of an attempt to make myself feel superior to them due to my own inferiority.

I think reading the thoughts of these great men has ruined me, it has highlighted the limits of my capacity and it's unbearable. Unbearable to know that I am intellectually inferior - that i am essentially less human than some ( for reason and rationality are the unique character that demarcates us from our animal forebearers).
I will not live like an animal

>>10791434
Death.

I hate civilization and hate myself for being so dependent on civilization at the same time.

I believe civilization is the root cause of all our misery, we were taken out of our natural habitats and placed into this artificial world. Take any animal from their natural habitat and they will display signs of distress.

I get angry when i walk on the pavement because i feel i'm walking on artificial creations.
I get angry when i walk the streets and see all the shops/restaurants/bars/etc are just physical representation of human desires and we are just so obsessed with chasing this quick dopamine rush that we have lost ourselves

I want to be a great leader, i want to send thousands of men to die and i want to make the world shake.
I'm not trying to be edgy, i want people to die because of me and i don't know why.

I'm really obsessed with my own dick.

>>10791490

You might have Anemic Dysthymia. Before I knew the name of my condition, I used to describe it as 'ADHD + depression'. The lack of motivation to seek therapy is also characteristic of people with this condition.

I have not seen a therapist but have tried some medications on my own (fake prescriptions + Indian pharma). Currently, Modafinil 200mg (combo with Alpha GPC and Noopept) works best for me - high productivity, increased sense of well-being and increased ability to visualize. Effect on creativity is either neutral or positive. I'm a drawfag but I'm pretty sure it would work for writing as well.

Due to tolerance I take it every other day. Between the days I experiment with different meds. Currently on Bupropion. Works OK for mood, only minor increase in productivity.

Psychotropic substances may affect outlook on life but has no usable effect in my experience.

>>10795415
Not just something like coffee, I'm entirely dependent on Adderall. I'm just a fraud, and a genetic mistake. I should have been left on a mountaintop as an infant.

>>10797531

So do you also believe that people with Down's, Diabetes, cerebral palsy and other genetic diseases should be sterilized or killed?

If yes, I have an ideology for you. If no, shut up and take your meds.

>>10796993
I'm stuck on the verge of enlightenment.

>>10791434
>No matter how fond I am of other people's company I always want go back to my hole and shut myself in.
if you crave companionship and intimacy yet find to hard to open up when the time comes or even keeping in touch with old pals, you may have AVPD.

Not sure though, haven't talk to a specialist, but I think that's what I have too? I'm probably a narcissist too.

>>10794040
I do this too but only when they make me angry I beat them to death and my anger is gone 2ez

I can't stop thinking about the moments directly following my suicide. Sulfur would still hang in the air. Dogs in my house would bark. With my door closed, two roommates will stop and think; what was that noise? Did he do "it"? A phone rings in my parents house and crying is loud. But I witness none of it while all the same being hurt by it's mere conceivability.

>>10789301
It's sad to think about all the conscripts that were toasted to a crisp while running away from the invading western forces. In the end, national sovereignty and self determination must be enforced. A people should be allowed to determine their destiny.

>>10789111
My fickle choices constantly cause me great pain in life

God I love naruto hentai but it's so wrong

>>10797685
Thanks for that suggestion. Not the anon you replied to but those AVPD symptoms suit me down to the ground. Quite helpful to have this introduced to me because, while I've always felt anxious, it never felt like I really "have anxiety" if that makes sense. My trouble with socialising feels like its something quite different to what social anxiety is usually described as.

Are you considering a specialist? I'm not convinced that it would be that helpful, it just sounds like something that has to be personally overcome.

I have reason to believe that I am quite literally one of the most unique and admirable human beings alive.

If I were to list my academic achievements, you probably wouldn't believe me. I have had teachers call me the most naturally gifted student they have ever had. Overall, I am the most intelligent person I have ever known. I am better read than anyone my age that I know. I know more about music, fashion and film than most. I am introverted, but not nerdy. I am cool. I have a large friendship group but a small number of extremely close friends. I dress well but with my own eclectic style, for which I receive compliments. Drugs are something I enjoy socially and with moderation. I have had psychedelic experiences far more intense and interesting than any experience you have had. I am good looking. When I walk past, girls try to make eye contact with me. Uglier girls lose their composure when I talk to them and hot girls flirt with me. I have had relationships with very attractive, high-quality women. I am shredded (/fit/ would call my physique "ottermode"). I have a keen eye for ineptitude and inadequacy in others. I am nice. Others describe me as humble. No one who knows me could ever imagine that I would write this post. I was raised by the internet. Despite this, I am very socially adept.

What I have written above is factual. I know that I am impressive. I have spent my whole life trying to be impressive; I am tortured by every single one of my flaws. I am extremely neurotic. I am unhappy most of the time. I am very lonely.

>>10789585
As far as I can see here, you are this lesser man.

>>10789306
come on, it's just like sea food

>>10789748
I'm just wondering
can you also imagine being tortured and murdered?

>>10791120
schizophrenia?

>>10791146
define: art

>>10791170
I like you anon.
One day you'll find someone like you.

>>10791464
There is also an 100% chance that your consciousness is just an illusion.

I'm probably causing serious damage to my boyfriend by enabling his steroid abuse and I'm concerned because I don't seem to care about it.

>>10791434
Step 1: You just need to make a life for yourself and grow older, wiser and richer.
Step 2: Get all the bitches, but don't lose your money.
Step 3: Raise your kids.

I'm afraid that's all there is, anon.

>>10797820
You will never be as good as others at being humble.

So you can add that to your list of flaws, you arrogant fuck.

>>10797936
Oh boy oh boy.

>>10791493
Those who make revolution half way only dig their own graves.

>>10791510
yes and no
be careful
you don't know what you've got until it's gone

I'm a cultist of chaos.
I act in secret trying to create domino effects with
subtle suggestions and manipulation.

>>10791529
and that's why it's a good thing a place like 4chan exists

>>10791170
I will pray for you

>>10789123
You always have a choice. Stop obeying impulses. Change your approach to at least one of those things and youll be fine

>>10791170
>>10794525
are you the same person?

>>10796653
lose some weight first

>>10797168
I feel the same.
Except I'm really just barely above average.
I would never manage Med school, for instance.

>>10797285
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAL3JXZSzSm8AlZyD3nQdBA

>>10797300
>don't know why
to keep all the qt3.14 for yourself, of course

>>10797820
>music, fashion and film
you're just a good looking retard, anon
it happens

>>10797960
kek
sounds fun

>>10797820
>tfw you're super duper smarty in the whole wide world but not smart enough to figure out how social interactions work. Lmao get fucked all you faggot

>>10797914
do you love somebody else?
you should

>>10797820
list academic achievements plz
art school doesn't count

>>10789111
everything is about sex, because sex is about power, and the monotheistic god is modelled on a harem-keeping alpha male

>>10798074
I love my family, by which I mean I feel happy when I'm around them (more or less) and I want to protect them, and I get vicarious happiness when they're happy.

But outside of my family, not really. I tend to only be happy involving other people when other people directly make me happy, and not in a vicarious (empathetic) sense.

>>10797168
That's the wrong mind set. You should be glad that geniuses come and go rather than brooding over not being one. You should be focused on chasing the ideal essence of yourself, transforming into your greatest potential. All that requires to achieve this is your own hard work, and nothing more.

There exists no possible crime which I couldn't be able to feel justified in doing.

>>10797820
I've been there. What you really are, is just narcissistic. Understanding how to dress well and watching good movies doesn't make you better than people. Oh, and girls try to make eye contact? Wow. Even if you are better than most people at these criteria you've chosen yourself, you will fare better in life if you just assume that you are an equal rather than superior

>>10798104
what does your family think about this steroid boyfriend?

>>10798144
nice
kys

>>10798206
>equal
not even
being so good looking can be considered a handicap desu

>>10798237
post pic then, ass

>>10798244

I think I would have been a great torturer and/or serial killer, had I have a worst upbringing, not been born in Europe.

>>10798275
as a happy family guy, i could kill someone like you without remorse
no offence

>>10798221
I don't see how it's any of their business.

>>10798237
>being so good looking can be considered a handicap desu
On the day of the rope you will be the first to go.

>>10798470
except we both know this day will never come

>>10798144

Hence the awful monotony of Evil, its redundancy, and its pointlessness.

>>10798444
they never met?
is this guy a secret boyfriend or what?
or is your family on the other side of the planet?

>>10791490
>>10791552
>>10797342

There is no reason to write. It does no good to that which you write from, no good to the writing itself, no good to anyone else, and certainly no good to you.

>>10798590
this
edginess is sooo boooring
just seek treatment for your antisocial issues ffs
or become president or something

>>10798605
it passes time
it's more stimulating than just being a passive consumer
it is nothing more than intellectual masturbation though

>>10798599
Nah, they've met. Not for long though, just incidental stuff. Their opinion can probably be summarised as "he seems nice, but he's not really a high-flyer." Which is mostly accurate.

They also say he's quite different (i.e. opposite) to me - extroverted instead of introverted, enthusiastic and optimistic instead of an autistic downer, which I think they're happy about.

female voices do things to my dick

>>10796658
Interesting... *takes notes*

>>10798630
he's just a toyboy, then
have fun

>>10798643
Yeah but I'm concerned that having fun at other people's expense is a "bad thing" (TM) and so I should feel bad for doing it, but I don't.

I'm trying to figure out whether there is some accurate and functional but subconscious justification that is preventing me from feeling guilty which, were I able to dredge it out of my mind, would answer my question, or whether I'm just missing the part that makes me care about people I don't have a really strong relationship with (like family or childhood friends).

>>10798655
1/ I fail to see how you're having fun at his expense
2/ why would you feel guilty?
3/ if you feel bad anyway, just tell him like it is: steroids are stupid, but he's a grown up person, and you're not his mother
enjoy life, anon
and cut the drama

>>10793722
I had so many drowning nightmares that nowadays I'm completely used to it. When I'm underwater, I just let myself float, or slowly fall to the bottom. It feels meh, like the elevator waiting time.

I spent the last two years of my life hopelessly pursuing a girl. I've accepted, at least at some level, that it's never going to happen and I don't even really like her anymore. But now I don't know what to do with myself. At least my infatuation gave me some kind of purpose, I don't have that anymore and as such am totally aimless, devoid of any real hopes or goals. After spending so long desiring one thing above everything else in the world it's hard to care about *anything*. Everything just seems so pointless and dull compared to the passion I had.

>>10798913
Mao's favorite recreational activity was swimming. As a young man he promoted the health benefits of swimming, wrote his earliest poems about it and reportedly had his first political discussions with his school chums next his favorite swimming hole. Mao believed that swimming was a struggle between man and nature. He liked swimming in stormy seas and had a pool built at his compound of which he was the only user.

20080218-maoswim in Yangzte mclc.jpg
Mao swimming in the Yangtze Mao once proclaimed he was going to swim China's three great rivers---the Pearl, the Yangtze and the Xiang. When he leapt into the Pearl River in Guangzhou 20 or 30 guards jumped in after him in their underwear. "Just as I feared the water was filthy," Li wrote. "I saw occasional globs of human waste float by. But Mao was not bothered. He floated on his back, his big belly sticking up like a balloon, legs relaxed, as though he were resting on a sofa...We floated down the Pearl River for two hours or so, covering 6 or 7 miles. Mao was elated as if he just won a war." [Source: "The Private Life of Chairman Mao" by Dr. Li Zhisui, excerpts reprinted U.S. News and World Report, October 10, 1994]

In 1956 he swam for more than two hours in Yangtze River, noted for its whirlpools and currents. Surrounded by a circle of 40 security guards he floated 15 miles down river and ultimately had to be pulled out of the water by a bodyguard. When he was safely out of the water he said, “People should not like to show off. I swam for too long! I felt utterly exhausted, but I wanted to show off, so I kept going. If it hadn't been for [the bodyguard] making me get back on the ship. I would have died."

Other leaders such as Deng Xiaoping and Jiang Zemin have taken up swimming as exercise and been photographed in the water. Mao used to tell cadres who were afraid of the water, "Don't think about it. If you don't think about it, you won't sink. If you do, you will."

>>10798918
1/ find the most stunningly beautiful escort girl you can find
2/ pay her
3/ ????
4/ profit

>>10798937
I'm not sure how that would solve anything anon. I'm not particularly sexually frustrated.

>>10789111
The only time I get a deep thought is when it arises to the surface because of whatever thought-provoking shit someone has said. That's why I read. And I'm pretty optimistic to have any "dank" thoughts despite the shit life I'm living.
Anyways, if that's helpful, then I gotta say I became such a solipsistic coward that every time I hold the key and push it to lock the door I have fantasies of using bloodstone's ability irl by sticking a fork in the electrical socket.
I'm aware a part of me wants to suicide and I don't wanna give it too much attention because the energy involved might turn against myself too easily. The hardest thing to do is to pass a high gangplank to get to the train. Heights are just so dangerous because of the potential energy (both literally and metaphorically). I live in the realm of possibilities.

>>10798007
Oh GOD no. I'm >>10794525 and >>10793187. My dad, being a mafia man himself, was VERY opposed to anything gay. When I said I was physically abused, I mean I'd get the shit kicked out of me incredibly often. Nothing sexual. Plus, I found the best way to deal with this was to use humor, so I got good at talking to people so that I wouldn't end up an autist, and I haven't really dealt with being thought of as, "creepy," or anything.
Plus, sex doesn't disgust me, as fucking stupid as it is. It's a nice thing to make you feel good for a bit.
The reason why I responded to that guy saying, "holy shit," in the first place was because it was one of the worst things in the thread. I feel horrible for the guy.

>>10798945
i never said anything about sex
you'll just have a short term intimate encounter with a paid professionnal who smells nice

>>10798985
at least now you can feel a bit better at his expense i guess? so there is that

>>10791170
Pls be safe

>>10789111
at age 12 I sucked another boys dick for weed. he told everyone I was a faggot. I haven't gotten over it, even 15 years later.

>>10799078
d-did you get the weed?

>>10797820
One day we will, by complete chance, meet one another and as soon as I hear you introduce yourself to me and make some mature, charming opening joke I will sniff you out as the dreadfully stunted social faker that you are. You won't fool me you pseud bastard.

I constantly slip in and out of disassociation. It’s like a high that takes you out of reality and removes you from your body, but your mind and consciousness is still there, still working your every move. I like the feeling, but every time it happens, I wonder if I’m ever really “here”. Is reality real, or is it just in my mind? How can I prove that other people exist? How can I prove I exist? Then I start to worry about death and non-existence, because I’m afraid of the unknown.

>>10799249
"Once upon a time, Chuang Chou dreamed that he was a butterfly, a butterfly flitting about happily enjoying himself. He didn’t know that he was Chou. Suddenly he awoke and was palpably Chou. He didn’t know whether he were Chou who had dreamed of being a butterfly, or a butterfly who was dreaming that he was Chou."

I've always liked that, fuck the people that dismiss it for being too normie or whatever.

I got into crypto in July and made $600k that I have no use for. It gives me a comfy backup but now I feel I need to get famous but it's a lot more work than making money. There are more quiet relaxed roots to money than to fame. For the former, reading, coding, investing, those are all things you can do. For fame, you kinda need to interact and always be there.

>>10799910
fame? sounds like a pain in the ass & a waste of time

>>10797531
take your meds so you can be useful to society you idiot

>>10793579

>>10793579
>

*rolls*

I. Do not. Trust Jews.
There, I said it. I spilled out my green porridge from my mouth.

>>10800000
Nice digits my dude

I am disgusted beyond nausea by anyone making any sort of political noises who isn't very close to the centre of the political spectrum. Being fairly young, this implies I'm casting a wide net which includes pretty much everyone in their 20s and early 30s. Mostly new left types in these age groups, but also the fedora reactionaries, or the weekend conservative types that have spawned out of their existence. Hate them all. Hate their historical and political illiteracy.

I'm also tired of young people of sophomoric talent infusing their artistic endeavours with their even less-than-sophomoric political beliefs.

I'm just tired of young people and melancholic over the fact that I never had the fire or the courage to ever be young myself.

>>10800000
OH! YEES! YEES! YEEEES! AAAAAAAH! WOOH! OUH! YEEEES YEEES YEEHES!
HOLY SHIT!
HOLY FUCK!
HOLY FUCK!
HOLY FUCK!
HOLY FUCK!
HOLY FUCK!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! OOOUOUOUOH!
OOOOOH OOOOH OOHOOOOHOOOOH! OH! OH! OH! OH! AH! HOLY FUUUUCK! HOLY FUUUUUCK! WOOOOHOOO! HO! HO! HO! HO! HO! HO! oh. huh
UHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUH HOLY FUCKING CHRIIIST! OHOHOHO! YEEES! YEHEHEHES! OW YEES! YES! YES! YEES! OH MY FUCK I DID IT! OWHOWHOWHOWH! YEEES! FUCKING YEEES! OHOHOHOH. OOH YEES! HOLY SHIT OH MY GOD I KANT BELIEVE I DID IT HOLY FUCK! MOTHERFUCKING JESUS CHRIST ON A STICK! ohohohohohohohohohohohohohohhohohohohoh OH MY GOD FUCKING FINALLY! YEEEEEEEEEES! FUCK! YES! HOLY! SHIT!
I CRYY!

>>10800049
sorry for stream of consciousness btw

>>10800040
i can tell you don't get out much.

>>10800071
Lmao

>>10800071
hah, funnily enough you'd be wrong about that

>>10800000
fuck you, niggaaaaaaa!

>>10800093
going up the stairs for mom's tendies doesn't count as getting out.

>>10800040
I can agree to an extent, mostly because the modern young radical seems to never have any real idea what he's talking about. I'm not expecting everyone to read Capital but you should at least have some grounding in the political philosophy you're advocating. The amount of "I want communism because college is too expensive!" I hear is ridiculous. It's even worse now that Bernie Sanders has successfully rebranded "socialism" to mean "any government provided service".

>>10791273

"if it aint y=mx+b, it doesn't exist as far as im concerned."

>>10800128
haha, good one mate. You read people too well.

>>10800141
thank you sir.

in all serious, just let it go. people are idiots, especially with politics. you cant change that.

I have the best mindset when I fast. 15 hours of no food gives me the clarity and perspective of a visionary tech CEO, but as soon as I eat something I go back to that gnawing chaos of modernity, of McDonalds, heat, and Highways. I go back to WWE, to loud sports stadiums, and coca-cola, atleast in my mind, in my thoughts. I flounder every now and again, eating fast food and too many cookies, but I end up disgusting with the pounds I put on and end up going on a 24 hour cleanse, followed by a 4 hour feeding period, and another 16 hours of fasting.
How is this different from anorexia? Why have I become what I have become at this stage of my life, with nothing to show for it?

>>10800040
Finally something I can relate to on this board. God bless anon.

>>10800154
your health is worse than any fatties. you need to get consistent.

>>10799152
yeah. it was a tiny nug. 0/10 experience. would not recommend. i vomited in his bathroom. stupid fucking white trash nigger needs to take a fucking bath.

>>10798985

I knew this heroin dealer, we'll call him Jimmy. Like many heroin dealers, he had basically a 6th grade education and he spent a great deal of his life in prison, including his "formative" years from 19-26.

As a consequence of this, he *desperately* wanted to believe the mafia was in control of, at the very least, the lotto and Californian government although he essentially believed they ran everything. The whole notion that the mafia ran things seemed like it profoundly helped him cope with a difficult life. He "needed" the mafia to be running things more than he needed IV heroin. Not because the "mafia" running things would prove someone's in control (although I'm sure that factored it). It helped him form a theodicy along with a self-justifying logic. It's "how can inefficiencies exist if the free market is perfect" dialed up to "reptoids".

Since then, I've met many people like this. Pick a conspiracy at random and they all basically have the same structure as "the mafia runs da gov" -- Satanic sacrifice, the illuminati/mafia/american medical association, Eye of Horus, Day-care panic. This is to say nothing for the fact that some of these conspiracies began to have evidence written about after the fact.

What's always struck me as strange about this is how little research goes into actually believing this stuff. At least I can respect a holocaust or global warming or phantom time denialist they've got reasoning. Your story is a perfect example -- you came to this earth-shattering conclusion based on your *criminal* parents words and actions (no offense, ive got a similar story) and that alone. Why do so few who believe this stuff ever put up "stakes"? There exist many ways this knowledge could help you make a considerable profit in industry, so why not use this secret knowledge to your advantage?

You could go on, but I'd be curious what you have to say about "the evidence" beyond your dad.

>>10789252
I think I have a deep-seated fear of heights. In real life, the concept doesn't enter my thoughts much, if at all, but when I dream, I often dream of being stuck in high places and become paralysed with fear and anxiety.

>>10789645
>>10792987
>>10795396
>>10796602
Came here to post this. Why the fuck does this shit happen? I have tried working out and behaving in a manly way, it doesn't seem to help.

>>10799871
I like this anon, really puts a new perspective on things. Thank you.

>>10791146
Sounds like you might appreciate Gabrielle D'Annunzio
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLEaiR0N4cs

>>10800055
stop stealing all our gets

>>10800289
After thinking about this I think the healthiest thing to do is to embrace minor androgyny, mainly in body but be more dominantly masculine in characteristics.
When I was beneath the Northern Lights I saw the bodies that my soul had infested, first a woman and then a man. The soul choosing a man again shows current preference but my spirit being fairly new in a physical sense it needs slight exploration but I think I am ultimately more masculine without corruption, in a pure form.

>>10800326
Like I said, I tried that and it didn't work, it just made me feel more out of place. But I hope it works for you.
>When I was beneath the Northern Lights I saw the bodies that my soul had infested, first a woman and then a man.
Are you quite sane? Or were you on a hallucinogen?

>>10789111
I'm an Islamist and I might think freedom is inherently evil

>>10800397
It's making a god out of yourself and not acknowledging your eternal condemnation to foolishness and blindness that's evil. Living godlessly in other words.

It can be okay anon. You just need Jesus.

Sometimes I am tempted to perform what I see as a beautiful and gruesome act involving self-mutilation. I’ve experienced irrational fears from inanimate objects, animals and a few hallucinations or illusions. I never thought mental fears could be incarnated in the material in that way. I see this also related to physical symptoms from anxiety in my chest and stomach, that I personify as demons.

The grand gesture I’m tempted to act out (le panache) would be the marriage of the two worlds, mental- physical in myself and noetic-material in the world. The time I spend studying and reading books I think might be lacking because of the concentration on the mind, while a «real» act done with the soul purpose of mental (in this case demonic) reconciliation I think might be promising, but the catch is that with the empirical, you only really know if you try it. I feel like this might be a real treasure.

The events would be planned out as precisely as possible, setting a sort of play again to marry the mental narrative to the actualization, eventually leading me back to the mental hospital where I have the feeling a part of myself is waiting for me.

>>10797820
You will never be more intelligent, interesting, or charming than Goethe.

I'm a loathsome piece of shit and I fantasise daily about cutting my throat with a Stanley knife, I have this idea of doing it over a small stagnant pond on top of a desolate bog mountain I found so no one will ever find me

>>10800414
>making a god out of yourself
i'll bite. Why exactly should I not worship myself or Nature? what is incorrect? All i've known since I was born was this Self and this World. Both have brought me through every stage of life. I know no God. no God has spoken to me, I've only heard my inner self and nature's silent exhortations to engulf myself within her. I don't see any reason not to worship myself like the Hindus and the elements like the pagans of Europe did

I just want to give up and fall to my knees but my legs keep moving forward. I can only tell my problems on this site because even with my therapist I act as if everything is hunky dory because I am recognized by her, but you anons probably will never meet me so I can just complain all I want on this site. Also I have been eating chicken nuggets since i was a kid and I will probably never stop

>>10800489
>no God has spoken to me

Have you tried listening? His voice is like a gentle whisper

>>10800489
>I've known my Self since I was born
No you haven't. The earliest one can come to know of their Self is at the earliest 6 months after being born.

I constantly think about how expendable each individual is. Nearly every single person alive who is not important enough for their presence on Earth to matter to anyone but select close friends and family, and even then they are forgotten after a short while.

>>10800534
no its just my voice, there is no other voice but mine
>>10800539
it was always there, God has never been here only me imitating what I think that would be and lying to myself.

>>10800489
Thank you for biting. You are right in saying that the self is the only thing you can truly know or be certain of. Bu then you should have also discovered that the self unpredictably flails in the winds of uncertainty and suffering which can lead to self-sabotage, or even worse, pure evil. The Christian God, as I see him, doesn't require metaphysical leaps. It's merely abandoning the altar of the self in favour of love, through sacrifice.

I present this word salad as an atheist with a tremendous respect for the Christian tradition and in permanent negotiation with its tenets. So yeah, I find this god, as I understood and summarised him above, through his human reflection in Jesus Christ worth embracing.

>>10800489
>implying capital-N Nature and God are not the same thing
Also
>worship myself like the Hindus and Pagans
Hahahahaha

>>10800557
When you listen to a spoken sentence, do you hear its meaning, or just the phonetic syllables? Maybe try «listening» to the world in that sense. You can look at the objects around you the same way: seeing the individual objects but at a higher level theres is what connects them and gives them a meaning. The listening I’m talking about is what makes a sentence have meaning, what makes music beautiful and not just a bunch of sounds.

George RR Martin is a gifted storyteller if only a servicible prose writer, and A Song of Ice and Fire is as important and worthy an addition to the fantasy genre as Lord of the Rings or Book of the New Sun.

>>10800571
Try and perceive a "Self" you mong. Go ahead, I'll wait. And no, an implied Self is not something you can perceive.

>>10800557
>the Self was always there
Except it wasn't and still isn't. What you associate with self (your body) does not belong to you. Until you were born you were your mother, then you were born and after a while "you" realized that your perception was tied to a body of ever-changing physical matter. You just happened to stumble into this mechanism of fulfilling the ever-complexifying entropy that rules this reality. A self cannot be percieved, and claiming your self was always there is just a lie.

>>10800414
Wait what do you mean I don't acknowledge my eternal condemnation to foolishness and blindness? The Quran does say that humans will naturally go astray and be sinful. Unless you mean my authoritative ideas, in which case I believe that complete control is need to make the people of the country moral. Freedom leads to immorality.

>>10800603
what? What are you talking about and who exactly do you think you're talking to? You've either replied to the wrong post, or you're fighting villains of your imagination.

>>10800657
Whether living under an authoritarian regime or in an anarchist wet dream, in both scenarios the person is just as free (or un-free). The point of reference of perception is still in the same place, with insignificant changes in the ability to express one's will. Your moral scale is founded on a false premise. Until we can escape this finite perception our level of freedom will never change.

>>10800683
You said
>the self is the only thing you can truly know or be certain of
I disagreed because the self is not something you can perceive; meaning you can't know or be certain of a self.

>>10789111
Being manipulative is fun

>>10800657
It's godlessness that leads to immorality. Freedom centred around the self. Which is why Christianity requires love through sacrifice. That can only be truly found in freedom.

Islam does meet Christianity somewhere, after all it is an iteration of the Abrahamic tradition, but I find it the least interesting out of the three. Your relationship with it, as I find it to be the case with most muslims, doesn't seem to be very sincere. All religions as rigid as yours fall apart eventually. I'm not proselytising here (like I said, I'm an atheist), but I urge you to look into Christianity if you're not a troll.

I really think my life is as meaningful as Oblomov's and feel underpowered to change it, but still keep a facade on so friends and Family think I haven't given up yet. It's really terrible.

>>10800696
Buddy, you need to calm your tits. I know reading ten wikipedia entries feels intellectually empowering, but the thin breadth of your knowledge under that boyish aggressiveness shows.

I was agreeing with that materialist anon, on the grounds of the self as consciousness, not as a metaphysically materialist object. In that, whatever consciousness is, or is made up of, whether it's software manifestations of our biological hardware, the product of the cosmic or the divine, or mere simulations on alien computers, you can be certain of the fact that the experience of consciousness is about as real as reality gets for humans. You can be uncertain of its contents and what it is that generates it, but once you strip all these uncertainties away, you're still left with the experience of consciousness.

And then I argued that it is possible for someone to agree with those claims about the self without building a shrine around it and instead choosing a Christian God that doesn't require metaphysical leaps or extraordinary beliefs.

>>10800700
Bit wrong, this

>>10797805
>Are you considering a specialist?
Yeah, at the very least just to get the fucking diagnosis. Then I can tell my old pals why I haven't talked to them in 5 years.

Also dealing with it takes so much mental real estate. Like breathing and then counting to 5 and when reaching 5 just biting the bullet and that's even0 for the most menial of things.
Bigger things like talking to my boss take such a mental toll it's insane.

Imagine stuff like telling someone you like them or quitting your fucking job, the constant infighting in my brain drives me nuts.

So yeah, I don't think I can deal with it by myself.

>>10789111
The scariest thing for me is knowing I can never be truly honest with people. Find myself hiding all my beliefs just to get along in this world where everyone has to tiptoe a line just to have friends.

>>10800743
>self as consciousness
No difference. Consciousness, like the self, is something that cannot be percieved and is thus unknowable. You can not experience consciousness. Experience is only the product of perception, whether you are conscious or unconscious it does not make a difference (both words represent the same material mode). I agree with you though that faith in God does not require any supernatural assumptions.

I'm terrified at the thought that I could lose my relationship with the woman I love, as I'd likely be alone permanently if I were to. I feel tremendously lucky to have her and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I fucked up the only real source of hope I have in this desolate landscape I inhabit

>>10800792
You're retarded and reading past me. That self-sufficient snarky boyish tone of yours would also get you an elbow in the nose cartilage if it weren't for the internet, but I digress.
>No difference.
I made the distinction and explained the difference between consciousness and its contents as a metaphysical object and as phenomenology. While it is the product of perception (I never disagreed with you there), the latter is the only thing you can be sure of. As sure as a human can possibly get.

>>10789111
I've been with this Asian girl for 18 months now and she legitimately thinks we'll get married some day. I'm a White Nationalist and I see no future for her in my life. I hate talking to her but I can't stand to make her sad nor do I want to be alone again.

>>10791120
just do yoga nigger. you'll experience it again.

>>10800823
>I made the distinction
You can compartmentalize your nonsense all you want, you are still wrong. You can't experience consciousness. You can only experience that which can be percieved and even that is not definitive or true. How can one be sure of consciousness if they can't perceive whether the perceiving thing they have found their "Self" within is conscious or unconscious? The answer is they can't be sure of it. As we perceive it now with our finite perceptions it seems that sort of knowledge is unknowable, and claiming you know it as true is a lie. Either way I don't care how you condition yourself to cope, but don't project it as any sort of truth.

>>10800842
ahahahahaha I want to feel bad, but you're crazy; stop being racist and have hapa babes

>>10800842
Asians are white.

>>10800792
>You can not experience consciousness
i agree, but what can be experienced? the issue is that we cannot be certain of the forms in our reality but we can be more certain of the thing that perceives the forms (consciousness/self). but then as you correctly stated these cannot be experienced either, this leads us to pure nothingness and the conversation just ends. so basically no one can be certain of anything.

>>10800929
mate I am convinced you are retarded now. No point in continuing this exchange, so let's just chalk it down to a failure in communication on my part, or a handicap in comprehension on yours. Or simply bad faith. Either way, neither of us has anything to gain from this exchange going forward.

>>10800978
Alright if you say so. This exchange of ideas was pretty interesting for me so thanks for taking us at least this far.

>>10800939
Filipinos too?

>>10797285
>>10797163
Identifying with.
>>10797655
Haywire neurotransmitters feel good been there. You make been going thru a manic episode, psych ward attendance is much better when it's of your own volition.
Ground yourself and peace to you friend

>>10801060
Never had the first inkling of any mental health problems, manic or otherwise. I live a perfectly happy and productive lifestyle, with a good job, good grades, and girlfriends here and there. Never taken any drugs of any kind whatsoever.
I experienced the divine, that's all, and I want it back.

>>10801091
Doesn't make you susceptible m8.
How'd it come about anyway? More deets

>>10801143
see >>10791120. I experienced the divine for maybe 30 seconds or so, out of the blue, while talking about the good Lord with some friends. I saw no vision, heard no voice, I was just overcome with the perfection and holiness of the Lord.

>>10801091
>>10800907
Vipassna n shi boiii

>>10800971
>i agree, but what can be experienced?
Perceptions.
>but we can be more certain of the thing that perceives the forms (consciousness/self).
Partially right. The thing that perceives forms is only a perceiving thing as we know it. Assuming it is consciousness or a self is too presumptuous, though it could be true, that truth is unknowable. One's perceptive abilities are not great enough to declare our being as conscious or unconscious. You don't call a part in a machine conscious, do you? Similar to consciousness, a self also cannot be perceived; thus we cannot declare it as the definitive cause behind any phenomenon.
>You stated consciousness and self cannot be experienced
Right.
>this leads us to pure nothingness and the conversation just ends
Wrong. Stating a causality behind a phenomenon is declaring the unknowable, as definitive causality cannot be perceived. Next, the conversation ends when perception ends. Everyday we as perceiving things explore the limits of our finite perceptions and it is worth sharing.
>so basically no one can be certain of anything.
If anything, we can almost be certain that we exist as a perceiving thing.

>>10801171
I don't mean to push my secret DUDE agenda on you, but your best chance at rediscovering that feeling is through chemical means. A confident dose of DMT will reunite you any divinity you got a glimpse of, as it has already done for many. I'm aware it is illegal in many places and thus a trouble to find, but it's something worth being aware of.

>>10801247
I'm a good Christian boy. I'm going to find ecstatic union with my Lord sober or not at all.

>>10799990
>>10799995
Source on that ?

My biggest fear is losing all mental motor control. Basically becoming a vegetable to friends and family. This is the only thing that gives me the shivers.

>>10801281
Don't be confused by the puritan revision of Christianity. Moses' experience with God was experienced through [inhaling the smoke of] a burning acacia bush; coincidentally, a plant rich with DMT.

>>10801281
Not him but, DMT is an endogenous neurotransmitter, and ancestrally it is hypothesised to have cycled with serotonin in sleep/wake cycles, but was likely selected against in favour of more practical dreams mediated by serotonin (thalamocortical world representation modulated by serotonin vs DMT). There's zero neuro-toxicity, mate. Be a good christian boy but don't be an idiot about it.

I am an Eastern European immigrant living in USA, and I want to move back home and become either a soldier or join a monastery or commit to some lifelong task. It sounds idiotic to do something like that, like financial and social suicide just for some romanticized dream, but that is the only thing I think about. Nationalism is dumb, etc etc, I get it, yet I still would rather die in a struggle with some great force (war?) than to slowly rot away. I dread this inertia. The American experiment has failed me, I cannot integrate into this society. The rest of my family integrated just fine, except me. They bask in the comfort of this place, and I, like some type of suicidal just want to feel alive. Office jobs are mind numbing, all of the people in my office over 40 are just about braindead in terms of critical thought, they have been running on autopilot since their 20s/30s to collect paychecks. All of this discontent has been weighing more and more on me. I have money in my bank account and I don't spend it on anything except books, I just sit and watch it accumulate like a greedy idiot. This is the only chance I have at life, is it not? Why not risk all of it for some ideal?

>>10801322
Also, ascetic practices employed with the aim of ecstatic experience all function to stress the body to such a degree that the defence system around the pineal gland is overwhelmed (a system which is beyond overkill for just preventing daytime melatonin release) and the brain is flooded with DMT.

>>10801305
>This is the only thing that gives me the shivers
Don't worry, you won't have them.

>>10801343
I've heard this too but I don't think its "flooded" with DMT. Probably receive a much smaller dose compared to the dose you get ingesting the non-endogenous sources of it.

>>10801368
I think it'd depend on the level of induced stress. With a near death experience, I don't think its hyperbole to say flooded. You're certainly not gonna get a flood from anything less than smoking pure non-endogenous dmt, forget smoking bushes

>>10801361
Maybe. I can only imagine how much misery I would cause them while I'm rotting away.

At least if you're afraid of death there's nothing to feel after that. Unless you believe in theology. Then death must sound pretty nice.

>>10789111
I really want to commit suicide because I can no longer bear that society defines how a male and a female should behave since the day they were born.

Thus, I hate whenever I'm reading and the author refers to females as if they were another species.

>>10801527
>I really want to commit suicide because I can no longer bear that society defines how a male and a female should behave since the day they were born.
Do it.

i have a real disdain for everybody. and though i am perfectly at peace with my inner monologue i hate myself as i appear and act within the world. nobody lives up to my standard (not even me) and people's habits and mannerisms send me over the edge.

in spite of this i try to make friends and be a normal person, but beneath it all is a real disgust with people. i guess that's as dark as i go. i have no desire to harm anyone and i have a clean record morally.

>>10801527
>society defines how a male and a female should behave since the day they were born
why aren't you a feminist, unironically?

>>10801570
I wish I could but I don't live in America.

>>10801343
You can achieve ecstatic experiences with mindfulness meditation only. Sometimes they come with no apparent cause or reason.

One historical example - Jakob Boehme, fiunder of Christian Theosophy. He received his first illumination while noticing a beam of light. No record of intense stress exists.

Records of mystical experiences:
http://www.bodysoulandspirit.net/mystical_experiences/read/visitors/new_submissions.shtml

Some of them happened to people not in stress and in casual circumstances.

As far as I remember, the DMT pineal gland was just a hypothesis posited by Rick Strassman to explain why mystical experiences happen and why they are similar to DMT intoxication. No peer reviewed scientific studies exist to support this theory.

>>10801583
I don't really know what feminism fights for. Nevertheless, I'll talk about it.

Feminism wants equal legal treatment for man and women. But my vision of equality is absolute. I fantasize about a world where the standards of beauty and behavior are the same for both genres.

>>10801625
Not him, but I think today's feminism fights for deconstructing gender roles, even though it's doing it the wrong way, sometimes by enforcing the opposite standards on men and women. Anyways, I think you will never reach such a world unless you directly fight with the women and men who will keep creating such standards simply because they are women and men

Why can't I just slip into a coma? I can't handle even the basic responsibilities of life. I am too depressed to get out of bed and I just want this nightmare to end without hurting any of my relatives with my death. Why did I have to be born? All my parents wanted was a happy normie kid with friends, direction in life and maybe a girlfriend but instead they got me, an underachieving loser who doesn't even want to live no matter how many opportunities are thrown at him. I feel shame and sorrow and I never asked for any of this. Pain covers me like a blanket. Tuck me in and let me die, god.

>>10800842
race traitor

>>10796554
Only has gotten me to get out of the country, told me when ever she noticed (which thankfully wasn't often) me that I was a unwated accident and worthless, cut my whole hair after getting jelly, let me get molested by her arab boyfriends while laughing at me, one of them dropped me drunken breaking both my legs ignoring it for half a day, has forbidden me to wash myself anywhere but the garden with soap for men, kicked me out from home at 14 in a foreign country before going back to her native one.

She was a sadistic maniac and nearly made me commit suicide before beeing through basic school.

After 20 years I've got my shit some how together and do everything I can to politically and educationally prevent such scum.

yall fags need to get laid

>>10801674
I know. To accomplish my ideal world would be necessary to eradicate most of the population.

I just want to end my suffering.

>>10791170
I like you anon, one day I want to be just like you

i just love big booty bitches

>>10801171
i experienced the divine for 10 hours on LSD, and found myself able to explore the divine, which really is just an abstract re-contextualization of our own mundane experiences. I saw the gates of hell. I was carried to the void. I saw that expansion and contraction were the only solid laws of the universe. I relayed this to my mother and she said I was a prophet and I got a really instinctual understanding of her as Mary.

Then I came down, and reality sunk in. I realized that every human being has a sort of 'prophet' mechanism built into their spiritual essence, and one need only follow their path to attain divine purpose.

I guess what I'm saying is I took drugs that severely fuck up your ability to reason and even I came out of the experience with a more nuanced idea of the divine than you. Hope those 30 seconds were enjoyable though.

>>10798952
>I live in the realm of possibilities
nice

>>10799973
this desu

>>10789301

You can value all these lives, all these people had their hopes and dreams extinguished by an external force which they had no agency over for the most part. In that sense both the deaths from a bomb that falls on a wedding party in Bagdad are just as tragic as the kids getting shot in some school in bumfuck nowhere U.S.

>>10789301
some fine trolling here.

>>10789301
>millions of animals being killed, exploited every day just so another species of animals, which wants itself to be moral eats their meat and devalues the soul
>people still care about a handful of iraki getting killed in some random insignificant strife
Can we just stop the discrimination already?

>>10802931
>muh humans are so unique in their need to kill to life
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49TZFUSHRdM

>>10789122
I know you were going to cynical, but I think your post is sort of romantic. Nobody actually wants to die for their country, if anything they'd hope to in death be seen as a hero, which is something different in my view. If you actually do care enough about your country, or the ideals it stands for, maybe you do deserve to die a hero's death.
>>10789585
>lesser man
That Iraqi civilians are "lesser men" is not axiomatic, so it makes no sense for you to use it as the crux of your argument.

>>10802944
Humans are the only unique in the presence of their moral code, which they always trespass. They are the most hypocritical of all species. Therefore why am I supposed to value a man more like a chicken?

>>10802995
oh just shut the fuck up and value chickens more if you want to and can. no one gives a shit

>>10789111
I am equally fearful of stagnating where I am and being an incompetent, posturing shite who flops the instant he gains any commendable amount of success.

Or, I suppose you could say I'm terrified of living a normalfag life but more terrified of finding out I was never capable of moving up in the world, regardless of work ethic or decades of skillbuilding. Success feels like wishful thinking sometimes; moreso because I don't tell anyone who/what I want to be. Neither out of paranoia, nor hiding from others or society holding me accountable for my dreams, but out of what seems like a childish desire to keep the spirit alive and driven.

I don't excell at work even though I could pretty easily move up the ranks or rungs because I don't want to become so... enveloped by someone else's dream that I forget my own, or let it slowly drop off my radar as I try to help others.

Feels like the worst of all fears is letting go and finding out 20-40 years down the road I've done nothing I wanted to do, and forgot myself for the betterment of someone else.

>>10803019
damn speciest...

>>10801840
>I took drugs that severely fuck up your ability to reason
No, it alters your perception. Everything you saw and reacted to was reasonable as it was perceived.

It has finally recently come to my realisation in the last 3 months to how much of an absolute faggot I am. Immensely problematic my whole life. It's like an ego death, since I can't be as arrogant and cocky as I used to be.

I also finally saw my place in the world, where I stand in society. Bottom of the barrel. Actually, I don't even exist. It hurts, anons. It will take so long for me to make anything of myself.

>>10801840
psychedelic drugs are too much fun, they're like cheat codes, why would anyone ever want to do stimulants or opiates when you can just logically transcend everything and live in a realer-than-real life world?

>>10801322
>>10801325
>>10801840
Y'all are completely ignoring the agency of the divine. Of course you can use chemicals to delude yourself into experiencing whatever, but your doing so cannot force God's hand into revealing himself to you.
Believe me, in my desire to recapture the divine I've forced myself to see and experience many things, all by mental effort and without drugs. But they're coming from my brain, not the divine, no matter how convincing they seem, and many of them did seem convincing; "even the very elect will be deceived."
The greatest mistake humans make in spiritual affairs is attributing every supernatural manifestation is divine. This is wrong. Such a thing can come from your own mind, or even the devil, and these occurrences are much more common than the divine. I've run into them often enough to know.
Drug-induced experiences are not divine, and probably not demonic either, they're merely psychological.

>>10789748
I do the same

>>10789609
to remember

>>10803205
deep :^)

i feel an obligation to commit suicide

>>10800282
Look up Skull & Bones Society and the Bush/Kerry election. The government is not in the hands of the people

>>10803177
>Of course you can use chemicals to delude yourself into experiencing
All experience is a result of chemicals. A "sober" state of being is superstition. Altering the chemicals in your body will always alter your perception in however small or large amounts.

>>10801336
Beautiful, my friend

>>10791146
Once your balls drop, you'll see that being not hungry is more important than a fucking painting.