/lit/ - Literature

>>10443036
terrible, ESPECIALLY the first line, jesus christ.

>>10443046
it's a quote from Frasierx

>AA rhyme

oh my kill your selv

i'm in a bad mood
>whiff became a stench
what? how does one noun that describes sensual phenomena turn into the exact same noun in the same line? useless.
>mess we left under the bench
i laughed, because the image i have in my head now are two lovers shitting together atop a hill. how romantic.
>spaceship moon
so, it landed? be more specific.

>glimmering dust on my skin
boring cliche
>shock of space within
hermetic allusion? if so, the only vaguely interesting line here.

your consonance in the rest of it is appalling. i see what you're trynna do with the repeated L sounds, but you lack any taste with where you sprinkle them, and what words you use.

2/10

*barfs*

......

>>10443071
>>10443055
thank you for the constructive criticism

>>10443053
ok good

this isn't mine, it's actually a poem that Pound wrote to HD when he was around 21.

I bolded what I think to be each stressed syllable so I can get better at seeing what a poem consists of (iambs, anapaests, dactyls, etc)

does this look about right?

>>10443036
interesting. Imma need you to "unlock it" for me, though

unmelodic to the extreme

>>10443036
>how quickly that whiff became a stench

>critique thread
>OP is his work

selfish piece of shit

>>10443036
posted this a while ago as a joke.
first stanza removed because it didn't work so it just kinda starts now.

/lit:

Of poetry we must profess
We dont know much and so regress
To the romantics.
Or those who wrote in Jew or Greek
And dont translate and so we think
Must be fantastic.

Since Our philosophers decree
That we should always disagree.
We’ve separated .
The Sci-Fi and philosophy nerds
Against the recent-purchase herds
Who wont be baited.

Our numbers now we must admit
Are not as great as /k or /fit
But we know better.
Since all they have are guns and gains
We’ll trick them with our massive brains
Which really matter.

Old hats remember with some dread
Back when you couldn't read a thread
Without Marx.
These days /pol try’s lure the weak
To reading Culture of Critique
And other larks .

Since average simple minded blokes
Who dont get Foster Wallace jokes
Get more affection.
In individualist of herds
On old online message boards
We found protection.

Some say that reading doesn't matter
But we prevail since we know better
Then read for fun:
And laugh at all those poor freaks
Who read a word without the Greeks
As we have done.

does anything of worth get posted on these?

>>10445566
what you seek is a diamond in a garbage dump

Be merry and a Soldier of Fortune.
Sad is he who knows War and Joy not.
For War alone makes hard.
Sad is he who knows Joy and War not.
For Joy alone makes shallow.
Be light and deep, a Soldier of Fortune.

Mde this cute little thing last night for my girlfriend. She didn't dump me so that's a good sign. Girls like it when you do little things that show you care, even if they suck.

>>10443071
Do me, do me:

It's that time of day when the sun still casts
Light in deepening shades of red
And you can see the moon
In the daytime sky
Thin and transparent
Through the haze of early evening cold
As it staggers into place
Like a blinking film projector

>>10443036

Which is the one, which of the imps inside
Unglues itself from the yin-yang embrace
Of its good twin or its bad twin and plays
The angel advocate, the devil's guide?
Which blob of conscience, like a germicide,
Catches and kills the impulse when it strays?
Which impulse with light playing on its face,
Its fright mask, leads to the dark outside?

All of them shapeless feelings given form
By words which they in turn give substance to.
As particle and wave make light, they swarm
Together with their names. And we do, too,
Praying that God knows each of us and cares
About the things we speak of in our prayers.

>>10445944
Don't use it as a substitution for a Christmas present. Cute enough, but not that cute.

>>10446230
I dunno, rhyme feels forced and probably unnecessary. Maybe try it without that. As is it feels like you compromised to fit things into that. Form and metre isn't the maths of poetry, I don't think. Maybe it is, but try it differently anyway.

Night noises away from me
While the sand caress her feet
Light poises, no, my others
Handhold the semblance of hope

Right there stays landscape
Cumbersome eyes insist to regard
More, more and more to say
Mouth has no one to tell

Absolutely alone
Moon and beach
A family's crowd
A dove flights from my hand
She is waiting the sea
Look, Absolutely alone

>>10446238
Bought her a 1910 Victorian erotica guide book and a box full of chocolate chip cookies shaped like dicks.

Destroy me /lit/. I need the criticism to get out of this slump and get better at this shit

>>10443203
It’s a sonnet so it’s in iambic pentameter. You have the just of it, but really every second syllable is stressed.

>>10446334
OOPS forgot it:

I was not one for anything besides to be.
Faltering in the midst of heroism and the act of socialities.
For I was not as strong as a Greek epic, or a Cytherean beauté.

I was a wildflower
An untamed, unknown life in the strangest places.
Under the shades covering up the sun,
Above the canopies unseen by the eyes.
What my only diversion was to grow
Into what I can only be.

For I was a breath of sigh,
A life,
Found in a valley with no oasis,
Waiting for the honey bee to come.

I
Am.

It doesn’t have a title because it’s trash and was more me just venting and is a shit poem

Why do I feel
Like I’m all alone
In this world full of people

How can I know
If there’s something wrong
If I’m really good or evil

I just want to push away
All these doubts inside
And soar into the sky

But I know
That there’s no way for me
No way for me to move on

No future just a lie.

>>10446338
Not always. It looks like there's a phyrric on the 2nd line, and a few strombees and trochees. Otherwise you're write in that it's a dimeter feet iambic pentameter

This is my first poem ever

Living
World out of sight
Leaving
To search in the light
Working
Together until night
Dying
She was a dyke

I be on the block on the regular
With my niggas busting at the cops, on the regular
Bitches sucking dick, giving top, on the regular
Catch me water whipping straight drop, on the regular
Yeah you know I'm running with the shit on the regular
Bare faced, I'ma hit a lick, on the regular
Posted with the drop, loaded Glock, on the regular
Yeah I'm 6ix9ine with the nine, on the regular

Niggas want war yeah, kick the door yeah
Run up break your jaw yeah, get it all yeah
I'm the hitter say yeah, broad day yeah
Niggas act fake yeah, catch a fade yeah
Niggas said I changed yeah, made some changes
I could never change yeah, feel the same yeah
I'm still in the hood yeah, pushing drugs yeah
Puffin on the wood yeah, smoking good yeah
Shorty want a pic yeah, that ain't shit yeah
Told her do a trick yeah, on the dick yeah
Bust her whole shit yeah, in the ribs yeah
Leave her with my kids yeah, on the lifts yeah
Skrt off in the Benz yeah, doing tricks yeah
200 on the dash yeah, do the gas yeah
They want me, I don't lack yeah, got my gat yeah
They talk bout getting wacked yeah, body bag yeah

Here Anons, let me have some gut-punches.
___________


A quainter winter carves an island,
amorous like an animal-eyed child,
and singing songs that suggest fineness
of carcass, marred string-thin.
She finds her floor upon an iris
of an ancient lake whose dusted surface
disturbs hardly with her scuttle;
there she amazes herself with eyeing,
while gliding on the cyan-wet parquet
that perfects to allow her to better see,
the other pupil black in the haze beneath.

He snuck upon us, surfacing the Mynd
With no start or end, with a breeze of wind.
The earth moving on, with its own signature
As beautiful as a piece of written literature.
Through the darkest of times, it appears with its shine
Gets rid of all evil and makes everything fine.
A rise to remember and to describe with great
Passion, and love is it own fate.

>>10446217
If 95% of your poem is one massive cliche, the last line wont be enough to save it. At least not unless you go full expressionist with it.

>>10446836
That last line wisdom is so cancer I felt like puking reading it. If there is a reference (and I can hear the Burial of the Dead, so there probably is) I dont get it. I have no idea who the initial He is, and he doesnt seem to make more apperances throughout the poem.

I glazed them myself.

A tramline shifted dough under my fingers moving, the belt moving the dough moved now moving and they at the windows all children, the old young and the new young.
Wafting scents glaze their eyes glued to the glaze shifting under her fingers, her hairnet, my fingers my hairnet.

Six dollars a dozen please, the scent carries in the breeze in their cars they pass the trees.

>>10446865
You're probably right about that. I just wanted the picture of that particular thing, but I didn't know how to get there. Another guy said the same thing more or less, except he liked the last line enough to say it saved something that's otherwise pretty pedestrian in any other form. It's unfortunate the quality of that particular image is basically defined by how much you think one line saves it.

Try me:

(Chorus)
Dabbing on em
Ya
Blabbing on em
Squaw
See this blade in my hand
YEP
I'm stabbing on em

(Verse 1)
It goes Yet it don't
Suck my cock, i bet she won't
Ya
I'm in art class
Watching some thick ass
Drawing on a sheet right on this easel
bitch, I paint that
(DAB'S on canvas).

(Bridge)
Because I'm

(CHORUS) ×3

>>10443036
Silent Night...in the era of the cacophony of mass media’s hologram. Silent Night, the protective womb of the soul’s incipient aspirations.

Yes, doubters, its precincts are virginal, a fecund space not penetrated by dogmatic daytime systems of belief. Only the God Of The Vast Unknowable may gain entry.

Within the Silent Night the Redeemer God does not channel surf, binge watch, nor check his twitter account for the number of retweets accrued.

The Silent Night is Holy Night’s midwife. Thus your own unique tale is born — a deathless tale that will define your days.

I have witnessed a virgin birth, firsthand -- a hard, painful delivery -- it came to pass, amid the ruins and detritus of my collapsed casuistry and foundering cant.

An awful experience, fraught with what seemed at the time interminable suffering...that comes highly recommended.

A wise man asked, rhetorically, why is the world’s saviour born on the floor of a manger, amid the faeces of barnyard animals and not amid the glit and glory of Rome?

His answer: A rural, malodorous barn would be the last place that Caesar’s bloated ego would guess fledging redemption would be found.

Thus the fledgling saviour remains safe in his cradle from Caesar’s assassins.

Dissolute on his throne of mammon, Pharisee’s agitated mind cannot envisage the redemption held in Silent Night, Holy Night.

This is not to deny entry to the season’s lambent spirits. Be Merry. Feast. Imbibe. All is Holy. Yet one must commune with Silence.

One’s heart must be privy to the eternal lexicon of the soul, to prove resistant to the commercialised come ons and the perpetual gibbering of New Rome’s distracted citizenry, clamouring for piffle, as oceans die and the sky burns.

>>10447042
This is garbage man,
This is real poetry,
>>10447027

I called this "The serpent’s acceptance"

Any advice, criticism, suggestion, random thoughts after and during reading it?

Determined decision
Of halted momentum,
No time for repentance.
—It’s published addendum—
We’ve craft our conclusion
And aren’t regretful,
Our only solution
Is being respectful,
of those in God’s favor,
Undoubtedly humble,
While we are left legless
Though not made to stumble.
But truth makes acceptance
An easy occurrence,
And so we writhe forward
With not God’s insurance.

>>10447049
tbhI just came across the author on fb by happenstance. I completely agree with you; it is as if he ate a thesaurus and then vomited it up for us to read.

>>10447075
He must be one of those liberals who constantly dishes out word salads filled with nothing more than incoherent babble meant to impress somebody who has a below basic understanding of the English language.

I only ever see postmodernists do this. I assume it comes with the territory.

I call this one "l'autre côté de Alfred Prufrock"

>>10447042
Holy shit it's a dumpster fire. It's not poetry. It's not even pretty sentences. It's just fucking pretentious words.

I'm more into prose than poetry but recently jotted down some poems, here is one. I also have german, not english, as mother tongue.

Once there was nothing
as thick as can be
Then there was one thing
like the root of a tree
It grew into everything
that can, was, will be
Then went on to be something
like the flight of a leaf
In the end, there was one thing
one thing that can be
One thing, it was nothing
and as fleeting as me
(and you)


Also also not completely sold on the tree metaphor yet, might change that if something more fitting crosses my mind

>>10447677
>like the flight of a leaf
is what you should change
change it to: like the birth from a seed

>>10447700
OP here: Yeah, that is the line that bothers me most, but your suggestion doesn't quite fit into the narrative idea that I have of that part (something fleeting/death/dying).

>>10447732
The flight of leaves and rotting seeds.

It's in iambic tetrameter.

>>10447740
Add >like to the start and it's ancephalous iambic pentameter.

>>10447732
you could try
>like the cold, rustling leaves

>>10447677
Rhymes are simplistic, meter is basic, shows understanding of concepts but doesn't experiment to draw attention. Many lines are repeated in a way that makes the poem feel shallow. Imagery is basic and the reliance on prose is noticeable.

However, it shows that you are trying to stick with some sort of meter and rhyme scheme. Furthermore, the metaphors are adequate for the subject and work well.

B-

>>10447700
>>10447740
>>10447747
>>10447755
>>10447823
thanks for the ideas and assessment. I'll go over it again when I have some time, maybe I'll post the new result

>>10446277
No one caring about a poem is such a sad thing...

>>10446277
The first stanza is good, and uses good meter. Wrenching with 'poises', but as a crossline inrhyme it was neat, though poorly executed.

Loss of meter and substance from here on hurts the poem, and it becomes less clear what the subject is as the syntax becomes worse. It is only thing to change syntax in accordance with an action, it is another to discard it entirely with no warning. It feels like stream of consciousness but since the poem is so short, there is no connection with the speaker so it feels disconnected, cold, and lame. A more robust beginning and more details to give us a better picture of who the speaker is and who the girl is will improve this poem. Adherence to meter and rhyme would also be beneficial, if only to accent the uncategorized nature of the last line

C+ (for a good idea)

>>10447088
Who'd you know?

>>10447966
Everything he says in that image is correct
There was even a case of a guy suing a police department because they refused to hire him because his IQ was too high.

They want racist thugs to enforce property laws and disproportionately harrass minorities.

They don't care about solving murders.
They don't care about stopping rapes.
They don't care about preventing suicide.
They don't care about de-escalating conflict.

>>10447989
alright sweetie

>>10447949
Thanks for your time spent giving advice anon, much appreciated!

I will definitely work on it in the future, I didn't put much thought this time but I hope to make it better.

>>10447989
>Police department does IQ tests

my nigga, that is fucking hilarious. They don't do that shit. The person who they didn't hire was likely do the fact he was a narcissistic, self important asshole who wouldn't do well in a position that required order, discipline, and fucking following the rules and commands of superiors.

>>10448082
No problem.

I recommend picking up "The Ode Less Travelled" if you want to get a good, solid foundation on the mechanics of poetry. It will teach you a lot and improve your ability to write poetry immensely.

>>10448239
Changing the syntax and removing certain pronouns does not make it a poem. I've given two good critiques but this I can't do. Its just prose.

>>10447027
10/10 would read again

>>10448139
Thanks again anon, nice to see a insightful poster on /lit/, I will check it out.

>>10446342
>I
>Am.
lmao

>>10448455
he's recc'ing a book on poesy written by Stephen "if it's got a cock I'll give it a try" Fry. Clearly he isn't that insightful

>>10448485
its in the /lit/ poetry starter guide. Its a good stepping stone for learning things like meter, rhyme, structure, etc ABC's of Reading can come later.

Hi /lit/,
I've been feeling surprisingly down this week and attempted to capture the feeling in a short poem which I might continue at some point in the future.
Please do reply with your genuine opinions. Thank you.

With its twists and edges, rights and downs,
Alleys of emerging highs and misleading drowns.
Carrying due load one willingly lent.
A road will not reverse with a mere intent.

Rylan stands on porch steps. He waits
for his sister who used to laugh
with him, who now works in retail.
And Rylan does not work at all.
And they do not laugh anymore.

Oh Helen, little Helen,
ever sweet: laughing and clever;
will you be smiling forever?
Oh hazelnut haired Helen.

>>10445566
no
the barrier to entry is heinously low

Labyrinths inside my dome
Closely resemble a hive
Where horrid creatures like to roam
And nothing seems alive.

Walking through its corridors,
I saw a ghost strolling loose.
It seemed to be a foreigner,
Its character I tried to deduce.

Many alike I had already seen.
None were as ugly or strong.
It kept writing: "you have sinned",
On the dark walls all along.

Attempts to soothe it were fruitless -
They magnified its passion.
Every wall is painted now, yes,
I'm stuck here as its ration.

>>10445566
It s a vicious cycle. People post poems, you deem them too shit to comment on, there is no feedback, people cant improve, people post poems.

A short one:

A strange passerby

Your gleam, like one remembered fondly,
Lingers.
A cadence.

>>10446338
Sonnet doesn't have to be in iambic pentameter.

>>10449390
A cute passerby

Your gleam, like one evoked, sexually,
Lingers.
I cum.

>>10445069
>2018
>not writing in Jew
Get with it you spaceheads

>>10445580
>thinks writing like Yoda is poetry
>poet you are not young gaywalker

>>10449390
A stranger
The English language
Your words I use
Improperly

Favorite haiku of mine:
>Winter without end
>Lone road immeasurable
>The dog among wolves

>>10449705
Lol!

>>10449721
;)

>>10449705
Good imagery. I'm not a haiku expert so I can't tell you much more than that.

A.

>>10449390
>>10449640
>>10449659

Rupi Kaur level effort. Enjambments alone are not what makes poetry prosidy.

C-

>>10449105
Solid structure and rhyme scheme. Word choice could be better; some words are too simple or not evocative enough (imagine if Yeats had said 'the great wings flapping' instead of 'beating' in Leda and the Swan and you'll understand). The story is nice although I think the character of the ghost could have been more developed with a dialogue or something to that nature.

Overall, your piece shows good intent and a interesting story, but the poverty of language holds it back from being truly stellar.

A-

>>10449367
Wrong. Litfags dont improve because they don't read enough. This is the only answer.

>>10447823
>>10446395
>>10447949
>>10448260
>>10450040
>>10450072
>>10450053

My critiques. Nobody critiqued mine so I'm reposting it. This is what I put on my Instagram.

>>10450087
Most don't even know what poetry is; they assume it's pretty sentences
Enjambement and thoughts
Curled up about
Tree frogs

Or shit like that

some don't even try
they assume it's all just rhymes.
very few can realize
That the heart of poetry is time

>>10450118
>Thinking you can define poetry in an image board post
All the world's greentext and frogs is not enough to grade your folly.

>>10450311
>po·et·ry
>ˈpōətrē
>noun
>literary work in which special intensity is given to the expression of feelings and ideas by the use of distinctive style and rhythm; poems collectively or as a genre of literature.

>>10450317
you spelled pʰəʊ.e.tɹi wronɡ

And I asked for the definition of poetry, not for the defition of "poetry" my friend :)

>>10445944
this is shit. like, you're 16-years-old-and-think-you-know-shit tier shit. read more poetry and stop writing, for a long time. she's gonna dump you btw

>>10446342
oh god, is this what teens think poetry looks like?

have you read any poem, ever?

>>10447027

>>10446342
Either be mystical/transcendent or allude to classic shit, but not both. Yernoteliot.jpg etc.

And splitting I am into two lines doesnt unmake the cliche

>>10448004
it aint 2014 anymore. the ironic character of condescending white guy has lost seven / 9ths of its rhetor force

>>10450352
>implying that if anon wrote something beautiful she would understand it.

>>10450336
I gave you two. I told you the heart of poetry is time and then gave you the definition. get the fuck out of here with your vague, psued bullshit, faggot.

>>10450411
I just got called pseud by a guy who thinks he can provide a definition of poetry in one image board post. I find this not at all ironic in any way.

>>10450098
>met with
hate this use of the word. like "the assault met resistance" or "my flirty hints met with her rebuff." it's a lazy, passive use of a verb when a better one can't be thought up.
>keeping hushed
same critique as above. lazy use of this verb.
>french
just who are you trying to impress? what is the stylistic point? why not use english? too plane jane for you?
>ending
is trash

When the poem is short, one or two mistakes will destroy it. I say throw this one away. not strong enough to revise.

>>10450393
i dont care if his little girlfriend appreciates poetry. i care whether he writes something worthwhile. what he posted clearly isn't.

>>10450118
massive faggotry. don't try to tell me what poetry is when you're so clearly underread in the subject.

>"Most ppl dont even knoe what poetry is lol etc etc or shit like that thy just think it's all rhymes n shit"
>meanwhile i am very sensitive and will give you the true answer
>i was born in le wrong generation why am i surrounded by plebs ugh no one understands me or my genius

>>10450442
>met
meanings: kiss, meet, passing. gives a placement in time and makes it clear there is two characters in the poem

>keeping hushed
hushed, like one does within a library, a church, a funeral. word choice was key here

>french
speaker is a french whore. also wanted to be able to rhyme in two languages for stylistic effect. fait rhymes with lay, lit rhymes with knees. "fait" is the conjugated form of faire which means to do/make: which makes it an allusion to T.S. Eliots poem "Love Song of Alfred Prufrock" when she asks what have I made? and he replies "our visit" after the famously laconic and lazy line Prufrock says to entice women into his bed. Also bordel means brothel or mess. its a pun. I wanted to add depth and character to the poem since I only had a few lines to do so with.

>ending

communion, religion, sin.

I feel like you didn't even read it and gave this extremely lazy, cynical critique.

Read poem first then spoiler

Doing a series of short poems each describing aspects of the earth vaguely in the form of a woman. Curious of how well the imagery is achieved in this one.

>>10450472
>>10450457
>>10450442
>>10450421
>>10450391
>>10450377
>>10450357
>>10450352
>>10450311
>>10450087


you are the worst poster on this board.

>>10450481
But that's clearly at least 3 different people...

>>10450475
>fighting back against critique
fucking newfaggots never learn
keep thinking this is good poetry
see you in ten years when you publish

>>10450481
looks like someone got called the wrong name today

>>10450490
fucking autists think they're le super genius lol on a fucking imageboard where furry porn is one click away. I'd like to see your poetry, e.e. shitbrains

>>10450481
i'm 1 of those, what's your problem bro

>>10450498
My problem is that all these replies aren't critiques; they're one liners and zingers meant to say "hur dur I am better than even giving a critique so I'll just be negative so people think I'm smart". Its pseud behavior. If you can't point out exactly why something is wrong and how to fix it, or what could be improved, then you don't know what you're doing. Its akin to walking into a mechanic shop and telling the guy he's wrong because he uses MIG welding instead of TIG welding when you don't know the fucking difference between them in the first place.

>>10450496
you think i'm posting my work here? here? have you seen the discord channels? average poster here is 18-21. not joking. i don't mean to be rude but i'm older than that, and i mostly just shitpost here, and i tried to give (you) a critique because you asked for one, but instead you went into full autist damage control talking about how your sensitive and insightful poem is actually a play on religion and prufrock, two of the largest signallers of sad WASP boy. again, not to be rude, but it's not a good poem, and if you want to believe that it is, that's not my problem, you will be relegated to obscurity

>>10450514
>you think i'm posting my work here? here? have you seen the discord channels? average poster here is 18-21.
i'm better than everyone
>i don't mean to be rude but i'm older than that
i'm better than everyone

really, if you're older and so much better than everyone here, then fucking leave. your insights weren't helpful at all. go pretend to be a english professor somewhere else.

>>10450507
Counter point. If I'm coaching a hockey team and some guy walks in who doesn't know how to skate, i'm not wasting my time on him. You act like critique is this god-given right, and it is necessary for all of these struggling artists to succeed. In reality, there are some things you gotta learn on your own. You have to read a lot before you can write. Most of these posters don't do that, they just jump right into writing and think their shit warrants critique. It's the same as the guy who can't even skate yet, but wants to play.

>>10450536
if thats the case then why even post here? nobody here could name 5 poets, almost all the work is 2 dimensional, confessional trash, and nobody here has a clue what a fucking iamb is or how to write a fourteener or how to analyze meter for depth, use rhymes for rhythm, condense ideas and stories.

why even bother?

>>10450526
I am better than everyone here. And I'll shitpost as much as I want, thanks for your consideration.

>>10450547
A combination of schadenfreude and genuine hatred of sad white fuqbois who in my experience create exclusive clubs of sad white fuqbois, masturbate themselves to their own perceived sensitivity, all while self-promoting, sticking it to the man, and generally manipulating women.

>>10450549
(You)

Oh lol this thread. People cant actually just post poems and critiques without masturbating their egos and eating the b8 at least twice as much.

(inb4 hypocrite for eating the b8 myself)

>>10450562
>white men are ebil

And just like that, your opinion on everything is discarded.

blue vapour in a midnight sky
changing tires to get by
gold's the sound of loving you
red's the blood that's on my shoe
blood which travelled through your vein
blood which's dripping from your brain
dripping in this grave I dig
die, die, DIE YOU FILTHY PIG

>>10450585
didn't say that they're evil. just that they behave like manchildren and that's why I go out of my way to shit on their shitty "poems"

>>10449656
heh, you clearly have never read Nietzsche

>>10450610
link the ones that are the worst offenders in your opinion then.

>>10450616
http://livemylief.com/
this motherfucker here, part of the alt-lit "scene," who went to grad school expecting to get validated but then quit when everyone shit on his "poetry"
also, stephen tully dierks, editor of pop serial, who basically raped a woman who was visiting nyc trying to get contacts

>>10447056
bump?

>>10450641
yeah this guy is shit holy fuck

'youre shy heat looking for cooooool night's'

vomited.

think the worst offender imo are the successful poets who don't actually have any talent; they just say short one-liners that are "deep". Like this one:

https://www.amazon.com/Porsha-M-Allen/e/B077786726/ref=ntt_dp_epwbk_0

'I am a burning building,
and the only body of water
that can save me.'

OH HAHA I GET IT YOU'RE DESTRUCTIVE BUT YOU GOTTA SAVE YOURSELF SO INPSIRATIONAL WOW LET ME POST THIS ON MY FACEBOOK AND TAG ALL MY FRIENDS I'M SO DEEP

didn't mean to hit caps lock. cat walked across my keyboard as I was typing. had to finish it.

>>10447056

Genuinely enjoyed this poem. The swing between the lines is fun and catchy, while the use of contradictory verbs with nouns gives it a sort of "Hollow Men" vibe, eg:

>halted momentum
>undoubtedly humble
>writhe forward
>legless -> stumble

all examples of it being used well. The unique meter of the poem and the way it shifts slightly when it wants to make an emphasis is great. Word choice is excellent, but not esoteric, which makes it a very accessible poem. Meaning is clear and the poem moves forward to its point, though I feel as though the end line has the same energy as all the lines before it, and therefore doesn't have the "punch" I was expecting; that's just my personal feeling, however.

This was a great poem and I'm glad you shared it!

A+.

>>10446809
this worked for the other anon, soooo

bump

>>10450700
I will in a second. I am making dick-shaped cookies for my girlfriend and prepping my dinner.

>>10443036
It ain't hard to tell, I excel, then prevail
The mic is contacted, I attract clientele
My mic check is life or death, breathin' a sniper's breath
I exhale the yellow smoke of buddha through righteous steps
Deep like The Shining, sparkle like a diamond
Sneak a Uzi on the island in my army jacket linin'
Hit the Earth like a comet—invasion!
Nas is like the Afrocentric Asian: half-man, half-amazin'
‘Cause in my physical I can express through song
Delete stress like Motrin, then extend strong
I drink Moët with Medusa, give her shotguns in Hell
From the spliff that I lift and inhale; it ain't hard to tell

>>10450745

Excellent as rap lyrics. I love the pop culture references here. "Delete stress" i like the way this line has a slightly different rhythm to it. really good anon.

>>10447056
Hollow Men influence.

>>10450691
Thank you. I think I would like to have a punch, so that's good to keep in mind for the future. I've also never read "Hollow Men" but will check it out.

>>10450040
Thank you, anon, really appreciate that.

I like the atmosphere of your poem here >>10450098, it captures a certain romantic depravity that I enjoy reading, if that makes sense.

>last time I wrote was years ago
>was spacing out while writing about being spaced out all the time
>sounded like I was having gay sex with the galaxy

How do I get motivated to start writing again?

>>10443036

>>10445069

>10446230

>>10452463
don't be retarded. the "we" is carried over and can be elided. parallel structure

>>10452296
if you haven't written in years then you're not gonna pick it up magically. writing isn't for you. accept it and do something else.

>>10452523
k lmao

>>10450745
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u255K97aXEY

>>10452523
>only children can be good at things lol

Mellville didn't write his first book until he was almost 30.

I tried to write a Petrarchan sonnet for the first time.

>>10452620
you're making the ass-backward assumption that melville, just like you, spent all his time jerking himself off to his own drug-addled delusions, instead of what he actually did, which was read and write intensely for years, both at institutions and academies and in his private time, before publishing his "first book" at the age of 27.

>>10452918
where’s the volta

>>10452918
where'd you paste this from?

>>10453054
whoops, sorry,

it’s okay

>>10443036
I wrote a silly poem about a dog on medieval castellan

Mio nombre es perro e soy leal
Bestia gentil e de guardar
Pedirvos quiero por caridad
Dexarme algo pora yantar

Quando es la noch en la çipdad
E los Humans a yazer van
Exir yo quiero pora ladrar
E pora ver la luna grand

Non me tengades miedo ya
Si me viniéredes buscar
Podrán levarme a passejar
E mi cabeça cariciar

>>10453056

>paste
I didn't, it's mine lol

>>10453058

Thanks m8

just wrote this. feeling like a piece of shit tonight

Lost

"toxic, gaseous, blasphemous odors
lord over my thoughts like cryptic encoders.
the same broken mind
lost in and without time
knows not the reason i am so misaligned
the texture of my thoughts is reminiscent of moldy cheese rind
my own self hatred serves to further
blind, bind, and rewind

to hone my mind is to grind away the imperfections
break this mold to see new reflections
the end goal is to have no detection
of my previous misdirections"

>>10452463
i dont agree.

first of all, you have the syllable count to consider. i didn't, in this case, count them out but English naturally arranges itself into Pentameter's and Hexameter's and other such things. and here all (well almost all since, again, i didint count them) of the large lines are Octosyllabic.

second, poetry often runs by a line's of argument that isn't your typical A follows B kinda thing. poets, and not just in the 20'th century, arrange their verse often in random ways and often even in grammatically incorrect sentences.(look to early-auden/Ashbery for the former and Cummings for the latter) .

still, did you like it otherwise? people comment but never give an opinion =(

>>10453128
any feedback?

>>10453141
>uses cummings as an example of poetry
>cummings basically said fuck poetry I will write exactly how I want to write

bad example brosef.

>>10453141
>English naturally arranges itself into pentameter's and hexameter's and other such things
so, you're either wrong or you're so vague as to be meaningless. pick one.

>>10453241
well,if you like, you can have Eliot or Lowell or even auden again as an example's.

cummings is just a very extreme case of it . and i like him. even when he writing nonsense


my father moved through dooms of love
through sames of am through haves of give,
singing each morning out of each night
my father moved through depths of height

this motionless forgetful where
turned at his glance to shining here;
that if(so timid air is firm)
under his eyes would stir and squirm

...

>>10446395

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

Hey guys, how do i into poetry?
Serious replies, pls.

>>10447989
>to enforce property laws

those same ones they constantly violate?

>>10453506
Read the wiki. Read the recommendation on what to read. Start with the Greeks.

They're making robots
that can kill us.
They're making AI
that can outsmart
a billion minds in a second.

They're learning everything about you.
They know your favorite sleeping position,
and they watch your dreams
to learn your fears.

Soon you know exactly who "they" are.

Like a sea washing away a cliff
they will turn you to dust,

SO BUY SUPER_ANTI_ROBOT_JUICE

TODAY!

>>10453523
no thanks
alphazero is just too good and i accept that

To you my betrothed, I am contingent
Your widening embrace, extends always
Your gifts from innocent hands

stars and dust on the windshield
the foil of some Russian sweets
Just before a star jumped solely
To be seen, by you, and for me

>>10453194
No.
this is lit, dont be ridiculous

"A fatal curse"

A statue of a man atop horse and with saber
crumbles onto the ground where he fought brother and neighbor.
He has been freed from what cruel visage
that emboldens the barbarians in their pillage.
Was this the catalyst of our curse to slouch towards Gomorrah?
While Man is found fallen, content in worshipping idols of adrenaline and mascara?

A statute of a man as titan, his gaze fixed low,
crumbles onto the ground where we all revered him below.
Through the darkness, a beastial, disembodied stare set upon Man, and a dread overcame.
Man cried out, "Why did you go and set this city aflame?
He fought and sent millions to die to save your people and set them free!"
Over ember crackle and stone crumble, the ghoul grumbled and growled: "Ooga booga, kill whitey."

I tried to be edgy so I wrote this. Tear me up /lil/.

I sat in class today
and ran chessboards
to find
the best
girl for me
to rape

I chose the one in front of me

Her name is Margeaux
and her voice is smooth
and deep

Like the cooked soil
of an impact crater

Blue bored eyes,
black short hair
cold-bitten
purple reddish lips

I follow Margeaux's steps
to the train station
careful
and quiet
and boiling

I find her home
I find her room
I appear atop her
and empty out
my anger
in her

while the body's slowly leaking
every human pretense
to a grimey slick
of hatred.

>>10447231
"quoi j'ai fait?" doesn't mean anything in french

>>10453706
Goddamnit you got me.

>>10443036

>>10453754
The last two verses of the first stanza are gorgeous. The first three lines set up the scene decently but feel clunky. "heat intense" and "break the monotony" causes some eyeroll.

The second stanza adds nothing except a cynical edginess that takes away from the first stanza's tone. Instead of juxtaposing slaughter with beauty and the natural world it feels like a c-grade Fight Club quote.

That being said, the core idea is short enough and cynical enough that its both beautiful, a little tragic and kind of funny, in my opinion. If I were to revise it, I'd try to find more creative ways to describe the air and the heat, and take out that second stanza.

Best of luck dude

>>10453523
Best in the thread unironically

>>10453771
That is helpful advice I think I'll rework that when I get some time to really think about it. I might try rewrite the second verse and see if I can make it better. I was trying to tell a story with it which without that verse is incomplete. I'll think about it anyway I can see what you mean. I was pretty proud of that first verse so I think I don't want to detract from it. Anyway thanks very much

>>10449705
Fedora RPG forum tier

>>10446342
I need more sensory input in the second stanza

>>10446394
I like the people/evil rhyme.

Last month I sent a latter to my beloved Christine saying:
''Dear Christine. I feel your sweet breath blow into my lungs
Every time you part your lips and move your warm tongue,
To utter my name or curse those sharp morning-clear hills
We have so often studied from your window in winter's chills
For keeping us apart and out long lovely embraces' reach.
I want to you know that I feel much the same, very much;
Perhaps even more so, being a man and subjected to such
Needs the fairer sex has not wish at all to understand.
Please, please do write back to me, and impart on the sheet
A mark with your fleshy lips, or rub the paper with your feet
So that I can smell it and picture thee in your chamber
While gently caressing my to you so belovéd member.
I love you lots, my little dove: merry Christmas, and much love.'

Today her servant delivered me a tear-stained message saying:
"Reply to this, or your mother will forfeit her breath in sweet sleep." --
Signed, t. Christine.

>>10450475
Is this bait? Are you that Instagram poet who adorns his poetic droppings with pictures of typewriters and cigarette butts? Your attempts at poetry would have profited from staying ignored--for the sake of your wobbly self-esteem, if not the health of the thread. One anon obliges you by charitably pointing out your ludicrous misuse of basic French, and here you are, yapping away to explain your multisemantic dexterity in handling "bordel", lest it flew under the unsensitive radar of these /lit/ philistines. "It's a pun", he says. Is that what it is? Ça alors, whoda guessed?!
>fait rhymes with lay, lit rhymes with knees
No, mown amee, they certainly don't.

>>10450598
Worth reading the whole thread for.

>>10453754
While the other guy gave you advice on the content of the poem, I'm going to tell you that you have no real meter established here. I could tell by Muslim that there was not going to be a consistent meter and was disappointed. All I can say is read more poetry, practice developing your ear for meter, and come back to this poem after some time has passed and you will notice the lack of meter. Tbh the only worthwhile line is the final line in S1, and that's imagery wise.

>>10453128
You've got rhyme down alright, and lose grip on meter. But holy fuck your content is atrocious. Remove the I from poetry, that's what it's all about. It's not about you, it's about the world in a grander scheme than the I in any sense. Keep practicing, and if you must include yourself, tie up to metaphors

>>10452918
Meter is sloppy and inconsistent

>>10452523
Not true at fucking all, if you're passionate about it in anyway, you can drop writing for years or months at a time and find that every time you return you've actually gained and retained ability, not lost it

>>10450745
L9 remove can, L12 change and to to

Not bad, would make a great song. not highly quality lyric, but relatively clever

>>10447056
L5 and 6 are shaky in meter, doesn't seem intentional, and stands out aggressively against the highly consistent meter. I believe just de-contracting not --and are not regretful-- should patch it

>>10454441
https://forvo.com/word/fr/lit/

https://forvo.com/word/fait/#fr

>>10453737
its supposed to be "j'ai fait quoi" but i wrenched it hoping no one would really care, since its poetry.

>>10453874
>Fedora RPG forum tier
Oof

In hindsight it is kinda pretentious sounding.

>>10454594
Thanks pham. I did go back and forth between "aren't" and "are not" while writing it. Good to know what sounds good to another reader.

>>10454905
congratulations, you're retarded in two languages

>>10454560
that seems more like a tailored response to that anon who is basically blogposting and asking for "motivational" assistance

>>10454548
thanks

>>10452918
>12 lines

uhhhhhh

This sounds, a misspelling
Of a mirror. This room
Ended in involving of
One figure and his out.

I leave the margins in closure
Like shadowy winding of the unnamed.

>>10446406
very bland
>she was a dyke
made me laugh tho
I liked that closing line. Fabulous Muscles, Xiu Xiu
>>10446506
12/10
>>10446394
at least you're self-aware
>>10446342
the visual poetic equivalent of dry anal. Its very
bland. boring. like a bowl of oatmeal. Also, have you ever even read a poem?
Random Rules - Silver Jews
>>10446277
c-h-o-p-p-y
>>10446230
Ye Olde Noise!
>>10446217
WILL IT BE LIKE BEFORE?
>>10446809
you have an accent that people hate. your tongue hangs heavy. teeth rotting in your jaw. You speak nothing but words to remember their worth.
Stop writing.
>>10446836
How's the Greeks coming, champ?
>>10447027
FUCK. TURN THE POETRY WORLD OVER MAAAAAAN.
>>10447056
>Undoubtedly humble,
While we are left legless
Though not made to stumble.
But truth makes acceptance
An easy occurrence,

OOF

>>10447677
removed rhymes with thing as a scheme and you have something
>>10449059
>>10449063
you the same author?
these are good. I like these. Short. Sweet. to the point.
>>10449705
Ive been trying to write haikus as of late! This is really nice!! I love it. Thank you for sharing, Anon.
>>10450745
im ordering one boom bap beat and chinese
Can I finally be like you? with shit in my tooth?

>>10453128
yellow bile on bathroom floor
i read this poem and spew out more
>>10453475
I can tell you want to transcend but in order to transcend, you must feel at peace with yourself. Stop being so angry. Stop copying off others to make yourself bigger than you are. A presence in a room is not always needed.
>>10453523
This is the greatest robot poem i've ever read!
>>10453614
>the foil of some Russian sweets
Just before a star jumped solely
good lines
>>10453706
Every fucking time.
>>10453736
if edgy is boring, then im crowning you the new king.
>>10455911
eh.

I'm trying my hand at haikus since im bored with songwriting atm
-
father’s funeral
all I can think about is
the teen he knocked up

vicious Chicago
why have you run amok when
all your blood runs dry?

hello sweet Jordan
your pale skin echoes again
of a lonely home

a flip phone cell phone
a call or three to find what
you need to get clean

I saw a bird lay
in a tree, waiting for spring
leaves brown easily

alcohol nightmare
I wake up in a cold sweat
stay too far away

I dressed up nicely
only to be riddled with
dismay once again

your hands on my neck
gag my throat, repeat again
slap me, you’re finished

stream ran in-between
you said to jump or sink, bee
I see no ship near

held between the palm
you slipped and slid into the
hands of another man

christen your bourbon
spit on me like the slut I am
I owe you 20

driving miles to end
a starting loop that revolves
dependent concrete

fuck me when I sleep
cum on my lips to stop me
from talking again

you burned my forearm
with cheap menthol cigarettes
stings like wasps in heat

I can’t have nice things
I hide each necessity
in between your ribs

I’m stepping down as
the head of Antarctica
snowfall smacks heavy

the grey sinks slowly
between the light of my room
and the sheets easy

pour gas on me soon
when I’m sad I’ll be sorry
for you too, loser

alley cat
you put your claws into my back
too fast
-
I wrote all these on the 1st.
Who're some good haiku poets to start with?
I want to improve.

>>10448139
Does this really help? I might pick it up on amazon or bookstore, I think my poetry is half decent but I've never posted it here. I have a really hard time understanding meter and stresses

>>10456267
Ok here a haiku I wrote heck:
I embraced the flow
River of milk and honey
Must have been your lips

>>10456267
It teaches you how to read and write poetry from the basics; iambs, trochees, pyhrric, spondee. Some more advanced ones like dactyls and anapests. Teaches you common structures like pentameter, tri/tetrameter mix. fourteeners, Rubai, Sapphic, Teaches you how to rhyme and not be pretentious or obvious. Its a great book for beginners and seasoned poets looking to improve. Its on the /lit/ wiki for a reason and I picked up a remainder copy for $4. Very good investment.

>>10450536
>I don't have to critique shit!
>in the critique thread!
Just end your existence.

>>10453736
Go away rupi

>>10450547
>nobody
rude

>>10456283
http://www.nahaiwrimo.com/home/why-no-5-7-5

>>10456591
>http://www.nahaiwrimo.com/home/why-no-5-7-5
>being this pedantic

Haikus in English are 5-7-5. We don't write in Japanese so we don't need to follow the traditional Japanese way.

We borrowed poetry from the Greeks, does that mean we have to write in Dactyls and Hexameter? No. Because English isn't suited for that sort of stuff. Take your plebbit level psued shit somewhere else.

>>10456645
either you didn't read it, or you missed the point

>>10456649
I read about half the page before I no longer cared how Tokyo is actually toe-oh-key-yo-oh and my eyes rolled back into my socket,

>>10456487
you sound exactly like the type of guy that anon is describing

>>10456669
so you didn't read it, that's fine, but don't pretend you know what the point of the article is

>>10456713
>Consider this haiku of mine, which won first place in the 2000 Henderson haiku contest, sponsored by the Haiku Society of America

So this guy won one obscure competition and now hes the voice and subject matter expert who dictates what is and isn't a haiku?

This opinion is trash and you, subsequently, are trash for believing it full-stop.

>>10456734
i dont know what you're trying to say, but that "obscure competition" is hosted by people who know a lot more about haiku than you do.

>>10456734
no, you just have a very limited understanding of haiku, idc about his poem, but its a good, short little article explaining why 5-7-5 is probs the least important aspect of a haiku

Mirror, mirror, on the ground
Who seems to be the most brown?
It is he known as the brown clown
He is well known around the town
When asked his syndrome, he states its down
The brown clown near can be found

On streets of poop and diaper pee
The brown clown is seen shitting on the streets
He is a genuine chocolate face
Leaving the alleys aligned with disgrace

He needs to go back
To the state of Iraq
Brown, not black
the brown clown shats

We seed, we feel, we need, we fight
We seal, we cut, we seek, we love
We grow, we take, we eat, we break
We hunt, we hurt, we seize, we kneel
We heal, we fuck, we pray, we hate
We reach, we touch, we lose, we taste
We learn, we lie, we wound, we waste
We hold, we kill, we love, we veil
We crawl, we seek, we fail, we rage
We fuck, we come, we love, we work
We search, we share, we wound, we keep
We blind, we take, we hide, we hold
We breathe, we steal, we bind, we build
We seed, we fuck, we rage, we weep
We betray, we serve, we regret, we learn
With tooth, and claw, we touch, we teach
We fuck, we love, we forget, we regret
We love, we love, we love, we love
We fuck, we love, we love, we love

three birds sing a song
while a woman all forlorn
stays true to her word
to avoid scorn

the wipe was good
after the fart
America is great
Burger King is very nice

"Bonobongo".
That was the name of the girl I met
In the Congo.

Thin lips with a suggestion of a smile.
Narrow nose and
Deep, brown eyes, like mud pools. I want to swim.
Toffee skin.

She touches me and I can't hold back.
She shows me everything I want to see.

But I want a girl who touches me less and loves me more.

My excitement boils over
And she runs away.
I shudder, coil up.
When I open my eyes I've made a mess.

got pretty f hammered and wrote this while on the bus back home (still prett drunk btw):

Which stop am I getting off?
I aspire but I don't know to what
You are making signals
But only she understands
I am alien to that
wanting to sleep
I throw my head back
in reverse
But I don't understand
Because I see my face
all anesthetized
and I see in my reflection
how I am wrong
The lights are dancing
at my back
And I conjure
this little hex
That if there is a future
I am it's executioner

>>10456283
>honey + lips

is this bait you unoriginal fuck

rate my pome
drumpf......
is bad
:---DDD

>>10456591
Haiku OP. I don't really get the point of the article, it talk about sounds in traditional Japanese, but why do we need the traditional if its a whole different style of language and writing? The sounds might make more sense for their language, which I don't get, but I don't think it makes as much sense for ours. Also, if its been taught like syllables and its been done always like that, would it be the English haiku?

>>10457055
No need to be mad oof.
What do you recommend instead?

>>10456953
Cannot be critiqued
>>10456930
You're not even here for a critique
>>10456977
Not sure what the deeper meaning is behind this. What is the speaker referring to when they say she "stays true to her word"? Some context would help.
>>10456986
Not worthy of critique
>>10457028
Good story, somewhat edgy racist. At least its better than the others ive linked
>>10457037
edit sober

>>10457079
the point is. the syllable count isn't what makes a haiku a haiku

>>10445069
It's bad, but it's pretty funny.

>>10457098
>has a funny name for a blaq
>oh noe its raycist
lol its a cult for you people

>Don't know if I like this one or not, but it's been a while so I figured I'd give it a shot.
>Also there's a first stanza that I left out, but I don't like it and it doesn't make sense with the rest of the stuff here.
-
The fire still burns inside my cage
An usurper’s delirium of vanity
Visions of the future, turn to next page
Flawed attempts to secure insanity

I can still smash with a sledgehammer
My muse’s force lingers
Disquieting talk and idle chatter
That paints my nails in blood

Black does not consume yet
But I embrace its ember
And persistence - I never forget
But do I want to remember?
-

I'm so desperate
in my soul and spirit
but I saw this thread
and then something clicked
in my fucking head
so I wrote these lyrics
I love you man, but i'm going knees deep
into fucking hell, and you're coming with me
you can try to yell but no one will hear it
since nobody's here

I'm trying to be real,
and I'd like to reveal
my life through these lyrics
but that's hard, you see
what rhyme could fit here?
to add to my story?
do you have any advices to give me?

I'm so desperate
in my soul and spirit
but I saw this thread
and then something clicked
in my fucking head
so I wrote these lyrics
I love you man, but i'm going knees deep
into fucking hell, and you're coming with me
you can try to yell but no one will hear it
since nobody's here

I'm trying to be real,
and I'd like to reveal
my life through these lyrics
but that's hard, you see
what rhyme could fit here?
to add to my story?
do you have any advices to give me?
if not then i'm sorry

I am a candle. I burned at the feast.
Gather my wax and melt me into water: see the droplets as they form,
watch the shapes they make.
Pour me onto the page and cover the words so you too may remember
how to weep, how to shiver
in the morning dew, gather the last third
of yourself and send it off
on a raft of twine and
childhood weeds,
you crumpled there in the rain heavy lilacs,
eyes and mouth filled with dirt.
See the frozen peat reflect that mirror world,
where the barn burns in the rain and it rains in the house and,
like a book,
you burn posthumously;
where words like ‘you’ and ‘I’ see much reform.
And decompose into the moss; learn how to die and
let the snow melt from the bough about you.

>>10453475
I love Yeats.

>>10455558
True. Anon that needed motivation here. That actually helped. I'm going to take up reading more varied authors before I go at it, though.
>>10454560
Thanks, d00d.

>>10456223
You re probably just joking about my requesting for a "gut punch" but I just don't get what "words to remember their worth" is even supposed to mean. Unless you re trying to imply my poem is word-saladey by using word salad.

>>10457263
I would argue that contents make haiku a haiku (as long as we presume an English haiku can even exist) the style of expression and the two joint thoughts. IMO, Pound's In a Station of the Metro, I think, qualifies even if it is longer. Of course, nothing like that can be found in 99% of supposed English "haiku"

>>10458146
Your rhyme scheme is nice, word choice is good but not complicated enough to come off as snobby. I'm kinda shitty at poetry, but it seems to me like your meter (or lack thereof) kinda throws off the first and third stanzas.

>>10446217
you write pretty 'abstract' (i don't know if that's the word?), except for the last line, which makes it very odd. i dont know if you meant it as a 'build-up', but I don't like it.
its also a cliche but you've already been told that
5/10

There once was a lackluster law student
Who tried to study and learn jurisprudence
but his existential dread
made him wake from his bed
and he realized his life needed improvement

>>10458964
simple rhyme, easy to understand
give it more meaning; use metaphors for example
3.5/10

Gimme some feedback x

>>10458725
I agree with that

>>10443036
Ani-Mal

There is a singularity
in ourselves that numbness when we walk into the store
Predicated on an insouciance of licking lips
And red/yellow necessity…
When bits practically float in the city
water, or can you tell me why
A rock is less than, or
Why the pussy, meow, pulling heavy
Wagon with dainty cable or rope
Via very emaciated neck now bleeding and
As she, full of something that appears to be blood drips to the floor, a waste,
or something we call pain pushes past
What we call reason, is squishy fuel and fuselage and friend
All at the same time?


[criticize it plz]

>>10459602
trying way to hard to be woke like Yeats-sama, 2/10

A gynecephalic upbringing,
his and mine.

A bullet made the choice for us in 1958,
resulting in voluntary haemophobia;
manifesting in anger and fear.

He was a grotesque John Chapman,
responsible for the genesis of orchards;
unknown then reconciled.

So he spawned this Narcissus,
which prays to purgatory
for someone and something;
for this Daffodil to die.

>>10456223
I'm >>10447056
Can I ask why "oof"?
The sounds, rhymes or sentence structures?

I don't go on /lit/ much is this the type of board that thinks free verse is lazy/pretentious and so all of you just write in olde English and hokey rhyme?

I'm reading Ulysses and I've got to the third chapter I think where Stephen is walking on the beach thinking about poetry

And Janey Mac what the fuck is happening

Does this book make sense at some point or do you have to have 200 IQ to understand the meaning behind this shit

>>10460553
Yeah. They also have no clue what meter is.

>>10460282
oof as in ouch that was a painful truth and a great read
nothing wrong with it

>>10458716
>You speak nothing but words to remember their worth.
think about it for a sec

its just bad my dude
groodie

>>10460642
A failure of communication ultimately lies in the writer and not the reader. Ulysses is bad poetry.

>>10462160
That's really a complex problem to approach, but I don't argue with the conclusion about Joyce.

Full poem from: >>10462132

Concept: The demon Legion as the embodiment of all false idols. I'm sort imagining this poem as some sort of scary traditional animation thing.

You may call me Legion
but truth the name is small
I am prince of earth
Everything and all

I am in your cupboard
I am in your den
Watch and be afraid
I am writing of your pen

I am false idols
Hanging on your wall
Prayers said to pastor
Santa at the mall

I am holy war
who mocks the prince of peace
I am filthy money
And your house's lease

I am sun and moon
Casting light on earth
I am other people
The mother who gave you birth

I am space and forces
Maybe time as well
I am not your God
I'm the Lord of Hell

But no matter if that's right
No matter if it's true
I am not so much
worth half as much as you

I am just a puppet
trapped inside a play
You may call me Golem
I am made of clay.

I'm the dust you're made of
Yet I fade away
You are life eternal
I am gone today.

I am where you look
I am made of you
and when this dust is gone
I'll be gone

too.

>>10461387
Honestly, inaccurate. The poem was good but has nothing at it's equicenter but two obejcts -the woman is an object, nice- looking at eachother. Nothing clues this into being meta-commentary on poetry or otherwise, I enjoyed the writing desu, wanna see more

>>10446809
>>10462194
post moar

>>10458503

anyone? I-I wrote just 4 u :(

>>10458503
Goddamn this is exceptional.

>>10449063
Ah Penny brown Penny brown Penny I am looped in the loops of her hair.

Then red rims gild the gutter-spouts;
The streetlamp pales; the mailtruck fades;
And housewives -- husbands gone -wash doubts
Down sinks and raise the glowing shades.

I'm a gullet
I'm a digestive sack
nothing but a tube
of consumption
a glutton

I'm a gastric, acidic, bubbling tube of
dissolution
I break down reality and fucking absorb it
the world is nothing but my own personal meat grinder
I'm hungry, nigger
and fuck if I aint ever getting full