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/lit/ - Literature

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10305124 No.10305124 [Reply] [Original]

The cat woke to find a butterfly on its nose. “O mighty feline” she said to the cat, “teach me the ways of being so confident in a world as weary as our own.” The cat had been recognized, and to his amazement, by the most beautiful butterfly in the world. “I can teach you everything, but please never leave.” The butterfly began to flutter its wings and said, “all knowing puma, do you not see the fluorescent design, the pink and blue like morning dew, the outline of mauve and lipid green like sea weed, these are my wings. They are made to flutter about.” The feline rose on all fours; never had he seen such beautiful movements, never in all his nine lives. “O winged dream, fly where you please but not too far from my heart, for your charm unlocks all the doors to my secret knowings.” The butterfly, landing on his paw, changed her tone and yelled “Do you think me a fool? I have seen what paws like these do to my sisters. Are you not a lion? Do you not wish to jail me behind your fangs and extinguish my flame?“ The cat began to shed tears, “O butterfly, if you could only know and believe, these paws hunger not for beautiful things, but this heart of mine, these eyes, they prepare only for your coming.” The butterfly began in and out of rooms, over and around the cats head, under and behind his bed, screaming “O predator of predators! I have come only to know, and instead I am shown the extent of your games, the power of your knowing to confuse me, to trick me, you hurt me and you have yet to even touch me. I leave as I came, with nothing.” And the butterfly fluttered out another window from which it came. The cat stared off in the place she had disappeared, purring to himself “O angel of the flower beds, your home must not be far from this here window. Come through again, so that I may show you all thats been unsaid, and prove what has.”

>how’s my prose

>> No.10305146

gay and affected

>> No.10305175

>>10305146
>2017
>using gay as an insult

U need to grow up and give me a proper critique young man

>> No.10305178
File: 249 KB, 248x459, 1500763222771.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
10305178

>> No.10305191

>>10305175
Sorry.
Faggoty and affected.

>> No.10305204

>>10305191
> sorry
I don’t think ur really sorry. But if you are I don’t get it cuz you still just left a two word critique and the only thing you changed way gay to “faggotry”, which means the same thing. I’m confused by you anon.

>> No.10305238

>>10305204
sux2bu

>> No.10305240

>>10305204
Faggot =/= Gay
But a lot of gay people are faggots

>> No.10305252

>>10305238
Does that say sucks to be you? Or does it say something else? If it’s the former, why do you say that? If the latter, what?

>> No.10305259

>>10305240
Ok but...
Faggot means male homosexual. Or a bundle of twigs. If he’s not calling me a male homosexual, then what does a bundle of twigs have to do with it? This is getting difficult

>> No.10305260

>>10305124
>how prose

Not good enough for its own thread. Post in the critique thread.

>> No.10305274

>>10305124
Your writing seems like its a lesser attempt at Kipling but not as modern as Adams.

The imagery and effect is stunted and repetitive by your forcing it of a tone that doesn't work here. I'm not a fan of modernising language either but phrases like "O winged dream" and "O predator of predators" are clunky here. Sounds unnatural. Maybe you're writing a piece set in a time when writing of that ilk is relevant, I dont know.

>tl;dr
Try less with the imagery and you may actually say more

>> No.10305287

>>10305259
Go back.

>> No.10305328

>>10305274
Fuck u

>> No.10305339

This is a perfect example of why I never try to write. Too many classics do this to you.

>> No.10305358 [SPOILER] 
File: 494 KB, 1274x924, 1511456110193.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
10305358

>>10305124
Hey, right something cringy for this pic related

>> No.10305362

>>10305274
I actually like the way "wing-ed dream" sounds, but I agree, OP is a faggot.

>> No.10305382

>>10305358
I stay in my room with a closed window buttressed against an easel, and with my brush I sweep away unknowing and nothingness with the color and life of my imaginings. Today is the vision of a sci-if future of earth, or past, or present in some distant planet away from the world outside. I inhabit my own, my own monsters, my own hell, flying sideways with broom wooden fingers against a canvas to reflect the chapter of my own secret reading; spaceships and deformed massive giant... I don’t know. What is this?

>> No.10305391
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10305391

>>10305146
>>10305191
>>10305260
>>10305287
>>10305339
>>10305362
>>10305274


I hate all of you

>> No.10305393
File: 171 KB, 612x612, huh.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
10305393

>>10305391
write a cringy thing for this picture!

>> No.10305546

>>10305393
I am here to hurt you. I am here to sustain the volume of pain akin to gods suffering, earths destruction, spontaneous self combustion and annihilation. I am the revenge of your ignorance. I am all that you ignored, I am all, I am you. You have ignored, you have put them, others, they, all of that, none of all first. For this there is no repentance, for this there is no cure, I am the disease of your own making. I am here to bring the pain. I am pain. Here I come again.

>> No.10305619

>>10305328
If you can't take criticism, get fucked and quit writing.

>>10305339
Hey nothing wrong with the classics. It depends if youre a raging faggot like OP. Their attempts stink of first time writing.

>> No.10305627

>>10305619
Man you’re so right
Wow I’m impressed by you

>> No.10305743

I thought it was ok

>> No.10306030

>>10305627
Youre welcome.

>> No.10306368

>>10305124
A bit overwritten. The opening is strong, but the piece starts to drag because figurative language is overused and most of the sentences have similar structure. Vary your sentence length and incorporate more, different types of syntax. Also, cool it with the "O"s, the rhetorical questions, and the old-time-y rhetoric.

That said, I enjoyed the story. Better than the average post.

>> No.10306632
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10306632

>>10305124
just use your own voice dude

>> No.10306681

>>10305178
Bugs...I'm concerned about your eating habits please change your ways.

>> No.10306691

>>10305124
I'm usually the first to call things shit here but this was actually good. Have faith in yourself OP you got it in you

>>10306632
Shut up retard

>> No.10307937

>>10305124
animals can't talk, idiot

>> No.10308846
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10308846

>>10307937
FUCK
How come no one else picked up on that

>> No.10308853

>>10305124
It's literally fabulous

>> No.10309012

>>10305124
Started off alright but the second half got kinda boring and dumb

>> No.10309804

I like it

>> No.10310068

>>10305124
<3

>> No.10310091

>>10305274
Yeah this is actually good criticism.

>> No.10311563

>>10305124
In all seriousness, this was really fantastic and before I saw that last line, I thought it was a quote from somewhere else. I would buy and read a book full of stories about this length and in this style. Good for you, OP.