/lit/ - Literature

>>10189212

The gates to the graveyard did not creak as I opened them despite the cemetery being here for presumably centuries.

>>10189257
Don't use passive voice, fucktard

This is not from something I am working on right now.

>>10189257
Don't split the infinitive retard

Once upon a time there was a little boy named George Marston.

A work starts and ends with a one sentence shitpost.

>I am a sad person.

Stately, plump Dave Wallace came from the pussyhunt, smoking a bowl of weed, the chiefing of which left him crossed.

>>10189212
Autumn wind lightly blows through linden leaves.

>>10189212
gagged, tied, and raped

He regarded it as his duty as a citizen and a man
of culture to open an attack upon the ‘clericals.’

Early one morning the sun was shining, I was laying in bed.

>>10189212
*Character A* stared at the lights while in a deep melancholy produced by the soft lapping of the water against the pier, the sharp laughter echoing from the bars across the road, and not the least by the alcohol buzzing in his mind.

Literally just wrote this for this thread based on an idea I've been mulling over.

>Eastbound 042 groaned to a halt in Burdock Station at 8:12 AM on a Monday morning.
I don't like the word "groaned" here but I'm not sure how best to describe the lumbering stoppage of a subway train. I'm trying to write a slightly Poe-ish flash fiction story, if that bears any relevance.
>>10189295
I would remove the single quotes, unless you really want to emphasize that he and only he uses that term and you plan on using single quotes every time. Also change out "open" for something slightly more timeless, maybe "lead" or "rally".
>>10189344
What if you restructured it to focus on the concrete actions rather than the abstract mental state? Something like
>Water lapped softly against the pier, laughter echoed from the bars across the road, and alcohol buzzed in __name__'s mind, all three blurring into a deep melancholy.
My word choice is kind of iffy, but I think the structure is stronger this way.

*record scratch* Yup, that's me, you're probably wondering how I ended up in this situation...

He died during Valentine's Day, the day he loathed so dearly.

>establishing the locality, mood or thought in the first line

i never realized how much i dislike this

>>10189277
>Dave Wallace

>>10189407
>the first line should do fuck all
woah....

>>10189369
I think, generally, I would want the piece to be more abstract. But as an opening I think it does lack impact and while that fits the mood it doesn't draw you in.

>>10189407
What else would you do with a first line?

Beneath her elbow lay his signature in scarlet.

>>10189261
There is nothing wrong with passive voice and anyone who critiques its use is a brainlet who can't think outside of middle school writing conventions.

Through the blinders, past the sun-sheen, a woman lays on the grass.

>>10189584
that sentence is way too tight. Take out one of the thes. Either, "Through blinders, past the sun-sheen..." or "Through the blinders, past sun-sheen..."

Also unless the woman is laying down the grass, it should be "a woman lay on the grass" or "a woman lies on the grass" for simple present

It was an empty house, except for Charles.

Liberals often believe that genocide is immoral.

>>10189652
Only one enemy remained; two if you count God.

Rain fell as the motorized bike pulled into the alley, instantly filling it with the sound of an engine.

>>10189655

ልጁን ይመልከቱ. ቀላ እና ቀጭን, ቀጭን እና የተጫጫጭ ቀሚስ አድርጎ ይተኛል.

>>10189212

As he viewed them, one by one, they expired under hilariously painful circumstances.

>>10189665
>filling rain with engine sounds

>>10189679
Terrible

>>10189268
There is no split infinitive in his sentence.

>>10189665
it wouldn't be instant bro sound propagates at a certain speed depending on the medium

There was not much that could be said in a situation like this, neither many actions that could be taken; afterall, it was a de-facto trap, even if that were never to be admitted.

>>10189735
replace "neither" with "nor"

>>10189735
If they admitted it was a trap then it wouldn't be defacto. So in saying "even if they wouldn't..." makes the sentence not work. It's just redundant.

>>10189212
I sat on Coo's knee and he began very softly, "see there," and he nodded at his missus, who knelt down to the grass, "if you even touch the flowerbed, she'll fall into a fit."

God was lonely then one day he had an idea

Her hole was pretty wet.

>>10189212
Blood ran down his leg as he pulled away the scab.

>>10189787
He touched the flowerbed, suddenly she fell into a fit.

>>10189212
I was living in a beachhouse in Thailand with two exquisite teenaged ladyboys when my wife committed suicide back in Toledo, Ohio.

>>10189888
This just makes me sad I'm not loving it Thailand with two teenage ladyboys

"Good morning sunshine, you're wife's here so don't panic."

>>10189212
i shat on her face and she on mine, why did i add sweetcorn to my lunch?

I've got another confession to make...

"Are you ready? Let's do this, hold my beer."

>>10189261
What is passive voice?

>>10189277
ehh
kinda fresh meme
5/10

>>10189212
It was all ichor on taste buds and violet dust, carnival of surgical masks and tight-hugging eyewear. The pollution season has started; a brief age of consumer freedom, violent cough choirs on the subways, cruel diagnoses and holes in the filament. Gargantuan plants spat flumes of smoke once more, as their brothers, for years scrubbing the air and droning the smokers in their bedrooms, ceased. The utility scriptures went over the hump, and wise facilities let the sinners sin, create the mess they would have to tidy. And for how long this liberty should last - only the progenitors know.

(not the first sentence, obviously, but means nothing without at least a bit of context)

>>10189289
... *record scratch*
I bet you're wondering how my dick, balls, and anus got into this mess.

>>10189257
>Presumably for centuries did the cemetery be. Yet no creak was heard as I opened the gates of the graveyard.
Fixed it

>>10190041
Change "be" to something more active, like "held" and you've got it.

>>10189257
Does not deserve to be a meme, it's not that horrid and there's nothig particulary absurd about the line. Sure it reeks a bit of r/writingprompts but nothing too unexcusable.
>>10189272
You will not be the first one to turn greentexts into literature. It would be some 20-something girl unfamiliar with board culture and it's going to hit NYT bestseller list and hang there for quite some time. People will call it revolutionary and /lit/ will collectively end themselves.
>>10189516
Has a nice rhythm to it. Do you like Faulkner?
>>10189863
You are probably shitposting but still - how do people tolerate brutal, carnal fiction? It feels so useless and artificial to me.

The Most Awkward Sports Moments You Have Ever Seen, [Return] [Catalog] [Bottom] [Screen], for centuries did the cemetery seem, ehh, ehh, kinda fresh meme.

"Wasteland of the Alik'r," was an apt name for the shifting, Sun-scorched desert that had swallowed the VI Legion whole.

>>10189212
>Sitting on the edge of his bed, at the age of 32, he still held his shit in.

>>10190054
>how do people tolerate brutal, carnal fiction?
It only really work is it's written from the viewpoint of someone who would realistically think that way. To me the sentence you quoted reads like something a rapist or killer might think, dehumanizing his victim to not only just a hole, but a willing one.

Although it could just be fanfiction.net tier "erotic lit," in which case I agree with you. There's something to be said for simplicity, but that type of writing just feels trashy and artificial.

For the second time this month, Tom brought his toaster into the bathroom.

Snow crackled and popped under her boots like embers burning

>>10190119
This is good.

He hoped that when he died his bones would not take up too much space.

The engine refused to roar and instead cranked and sputtered as his muscles strained behind the automobile, desperately trying to push it out of the rut they had been trapped in for the last hour.

>>10190025
this surprised me. i want to say that it is overly wordy, but it works.

>>10190119
I laughed.

>>10189898
>you are wife's here

>>10189866
How big was the wound that blood ran from a scab? Honestly it would be better if he "picked and scratched" at the scab since "pulled away," implies one smooth movement, and a wound large enough to leak enough blood to "run down his leg," would have a large scab that would come apart in pieces. Picking and scratching at a scab would also irritate the wound enough for blood to start flowing, although most scabbed over injuries don't start bleeding freely even when the scab is removed since the skin has already started to heal itself. It might also help to add a better descriptor to let the reader know how much blood there is. If it's just a little
>Blood oozed slowly down his thigh as he picked away at the scab.
If it's a lot, I would change "scab," to "dressing," or "bandage."
>Blood ran freely down his leg as he pulled away the dressing, soaking into the carpet around his foot.

Just my 2 cents.

>>10189212
And then the cantaloupe sitting on the table so orange and ripe was plucked up by Mrs.Richardson and bitten into, the juice dribbling down her face as she stared out the glass back door at her underwhelming backyard.

>>10190229
I would change the word cranked to something else, since cranked means started when you're talking about a car.

>I cranked my car to let it warm up before I left.

Stuttered might be a good one, since stuttered and sputtered has a bit of rhythm. Whined might also work.

This is kind of a personal thing, but I hate seeing
>as he
>as the
>as they
Because I used to be stuck in the "as" trap myself. I'd split that sentence into two.
>and sputtered. His muscles
Since the focus changes from the engine to the man straining.

>>10189212
Call me the Meme King.

>>10190149
Then I would go for "The hole was pretty wet", which packs more punch, removes the human element entirely, and also includes a faux-synecdoche. And anyway I think rapists and killers don't think like that, or if they do, they're the least interesting kind of a rapist and/or killer.
>>10190238
Thanks, that was my intention. I'm trying to go for a victorian novel of cyberpunk, overly descriptive and visual, to get away from high-concept-no-imagery everywhere in the genre. A lot of the works turn out to be flat symbolic aesops, which works well if the goal is didactic; yet we are living in the cyberpunk era so the novels should also be lived-in.

Why not send your first sentence to Hamilton Cork?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1XrbTqiQGcg&ab_channel=potchimotchi

>>10190350
Perhaps dehumanize was the wrong term. De-personalize might be better. The implication of
>Her hole was pretty wet.
Is that the victim secretly wants the offender, is secretly just as lustful and base as he is. It also absolves the attacker of guilt, and possibly reinforces his negative feelings towards women (all women are sluts, /r9k/ type stuff)

I'm sure I'm way overanalyzing a 5 word sentence, but I'm bored and nobody's done mine yet.

I'd be very interested in reading the rest of whatever that is you've written. It's very strange, and even a little jarring, but I feel like it fits well with the theme you're aiming for.

The smoke illuminated the stormy December night.

The dream became a phantasm, and Father too; we danced for hours, not worrying about the rising prices of soy nor the increased chance of eye-injuries-by-umbrella during rain season.

>>10190398
On what planet does smoke illuminate or stay around in any appreciable quantity during a storm?

Hamlet, I knew him not.

>>10189212
Little Mary Lyguen sat up from her bed bench and crawled down the stairs to the room of living where she greeted her master owner with the licking of his morning shoes.

They rose like drunks.

It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times.

>>10190227
good enough

>>10189212
"I won't go back to that damned moon"

>>10190477
Bad, in that only an extra trashy sci-fi novel could follow

>>10190113
Too verbose.

"The Wasteland of the Alik'r had swolled the VI Legion Whole. All the soldiers of the sixth had been consumed beneath its shifting, sun-scorched sands....."

Split it into two sentences and go from there.

>>10190227
Very nice. It immediately captured my attention.

I knew that Judgement Day was coming. At first I felt I had to tell people, but then I knew that nobody would listen, and that I would only worry those that cared about me. I ended up spending most of my time in bed, waiting, hoping that I would receive mercy on Judgement Day. Besides, what was the point in doing anything, when the world would be dissolved into ashes? As I laid in bed reflecting on humanity, It appalled me to imagine how absorbed people generally were in their business, not even aware of the coming Judgement; no, not even curious about the fate of their souls, or the possibility that they would have to make an account of their lives on Judgement Day. There they were — rich and poor, famous and forgotten, happy and miserable — concerned with such distinctions that would be stripped and burned away, tearing to pieces themselves and each other over idols and vanities, over such things as would be evaporated on Judgement Day, when all they would have to show is their poor souls. My mind shrank in fear, and dared not to Judge any one, knowing that it was not my place to Judge humanity, and that my own Judgement was approaching. I put my hands on my chest and prayed mercy for mankind, and for me, on Judgement Day.

>>10189984
>>10189888
>>10189653
>>10189406

Absolute garbage

>>10189677
Exactly!

>>10190490
Too repetitive. Use synonyms for judgement day, or better yet, don't mention it again after the first instance. That word paints a clear enough picture for the rest of your paragraph to fall under.

The rot from my insides, cultivated by my guilt, has now extended to my finger tips.

>>10190508
>present tense

I had finally forgiven my mother...for giving birth to me

>>10190517
It's a confession, how else would I write it?

I came back from the hospital to find that my house had burnt down.

>>10190529
stupid

>>10190182
I too like eating toast while I shower

>>10190544
I like the way it slowly refills my coffee cup

>>10190523
I don't anything that follows could possibky redeem the crime that is your first sentence.

Driving a car was proving to be more difficult than the priest had predicted.

>>10190482
The Wasteland of the Alik'r had swallowed the VI Legion whole. Even the sounds of our marching feet were consumed by the ever-shifting, Sun scorched sands. We trudged on, an Army of ghosts walking the path to Oblivion.

How's that?

>>10190507
I knew that Judgement Day was coming. At first I felt I had to tell people, but then I knew that nobody would listen, and that I would only worry those that cared about me. I spent most of my time in bed, waiting, hoping that I would receive mercy on Judgement Day. What was the point in doing anything, when the world would be dissolved into ashes? As I laid in bed reflecting on humanity, It appalled me to imagine how absorbed people generally were in their business, not even aware of the coming Judgement; no, not even curious about the fate of their souls, or the possibility that they would have to account for their lives on Judgement Day. There they were — rich and poor, famous and forgotten, happy and miserable — concerned with such distinctions that would be stripped and burned away, tearing to pieces themselves and each other over vanities, over such things as would be evaporated on Judgement Day. But my mind shrank in fear, and dared not to Judge, knowing that it was not my place to cast Judgement humanity, and that my own Judgement was approaching. I put both hands on my chest and prayed mercy for mankind, and for me, on Judgement Day.

O Judgement Day. The wicked will no more pretend that the earth is a stage for their play, when you tear away their mask. The criminal escape will not escape into the night, when you bring to light their crimes. For ages has evil been allowed to corrupt, slander, and abuse the good — but not after you divide good and evil, light and darkness, and separate them forever. The good will receive its just reward, and evil its just punishment. How long has the blood of the innocent for vengeance? Every debt will finally be paid — on Judgement Day.

>>10190507
I knew that Judgement Day was coming. At first I felt I had to tell people, but then I knew that nobody would listen, and that I would only worry those that cared about me. I spent most of my time in bed, waiting, hoping that I would receive mercy on Judgement Day. What was the point in doing anything, when the world would be dissolved into ashes? As I laid in bed reflecting on humanity, It appalled me to imagine how absorbed people generally were in their business, not even aware of the coming Judgement; no, not even curious about the fate of their souls, or the possibility that they would have to account for their lives on Judgement Day. There they were — rich and poor, famous and forgotten, happy and miserable — concerned with such distinctions that would be stripped and burned away, tearing to pieces themselves and each other over vanities, over such things as would be evaporated on Judgement Day. But my mind shrank in fear, and dared not to Judge, knowing that it was not my place to cast Judgement on humanity, and that my own Judgement was approaching. I put both hands on my chest and prayed mercy for mankind, and for me, on Judgement Day.

O Judgement Day. The wicked will no longer pretend that the earth is a stage for their play, when you tear away their mask. The criminal will not escape into the night, when you bring to light their crimes. For ages evil has been allowed to corrupt, slander, and abuse the good — but not after you divide good and evil, light and darkness, and separate them forever. The good will receive its just reward, and evil its just punishment. How long has the blood of the innocent cried for vengeance? Every debt will finally be paid — on Judgement Day.

>>10190481
Well then I've done my job because that's exactly what follows

A good policeman never drinks before noon, but Inspector McGregor was not a good policeman and will not be the man to solve this mystery.

>>10190554
>as i stood over the bitch's Birchwood coffin i slowly breathed in the staleness of her death. Yes, mother, now i forgive you, you who fucked when she should've only sucked his cock. You who gave life when you had nothing after life to give. You never let me suck your milk sweet tits but instead fed me from a rubber bottle. Mother, i wished you haddnt bothered but i forgive you, tho i pray god is not so kind

You dont think this is good, anon?

>>10190576
I like this. Would read

>>10190441
On yo mama, cause she so fat she a gas giant!

>>10190563
This grabbed my attention pretty well. I imagine that either something very funny, or very sad follows.
>>10190579
No, that's pretty awful.

While gliding the brushstroke across the canvas, the weakness in my fingers rippled lightly at the water’s edge.

The tidal wave was now only 50 yards off shore, and all the beach goers still bathing in the sun.

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

>>10190579
>/r9k/ writes a novel

Somewhere, a door opens.

>>10190614
bleh

>>10190605
like somethingout of calvin and hobbes mocking disaster movies

The sun in the sky hung taught on an invisible wire, dangling straight above with the intensity of noon.

>>10190576
ha-ha guys it's a subversion get it i'm such a connoseuir of literature lads you wouldn't believe it

i've got more from where it came from CHECK THOSE OUT

it was a dark and stormy night and everybody stayed indoors as getting hit by lightning is such a sorry end

it was the worst of times, it was the best of times, mostly the latter as everything seemed to be getting on track and life finally revealed itself to be an enjoyable process, not like personally but also throughout all of society, an era of great optimism and contentment

the body laid motionless off the side of the road no worries though the body was quite alive and just in a deep slumber maybe the lad had too much to drink but hey it's summer worst comes to worst he'll get a cold and a good lesson

my mother died today or maybe yesterday it's not that i don't care i just suffer a terrible condition, a memory impediment, fortunately it's treatable and while my mother's death is a horrible tragedy it helped me come to terms with human mortality because you know some people are ignorant of that and you probably can't treat such a thing with pills unlike my whole predicament

It wasn't worrying until she brought home a stray cat.

>>10190614
I have nothing to say: the sentence (with bonus commentary track)

>>10190621
is this pasta or

>>10190618
its from the MC's nightmare, she wakes up and s freaked out because she had plans to go tanning that day and is now afraid of the water

>>10190632
It holds no tension, and is especially bad at starting a description of a nightmare

Lee was a special guy, he owned every fucking asian restaurant in the city, be it chinese, thai or vietnamese, and that's why they all tasted the same. He was rich as fuck too, but the best part was that he wasn't even asian, just a fat turk with small eyes.

>>10190619
>The sun hung taught on an invisible wire
This means its noon

>dangling straight above
this also means its noon

>intensity of noon
third time's the charm, aye? A single sentence shouldn't hammer out the same idea again and again. You can present new information, even in the same sentence (shocker!)

>>10190630
i got very upset, so it's fresh

>>10190653
Nice.

>>10190638
how does a tidal wave 50 feet away from unsuspecting sun bathers hold no tension?

>>10189212
Please darling, I know you're not in mellow but please, fetch me a red flower from the meadow.

>>10190030
this is my story not yours.

>>10190675
It's hackneyed and ridiculous. Besides, fear comes from a lack of control. Knowing it's coming and being incapable of escaping is far more tense.

>>10189212

12:00 AM Tylor
The green block numbers on the digital clock changed from 11:59 to 12:00, I was nervous.

>>10189516
not bad, but was it blood or ink? why beneath her elbow?!

>>10190675
Because it's flat. There's no build up. It reads like a documentary, there's absolutely zero tension at all.

>>10189516
Best in thread. v compelling

>>10190697
Other first sentences from stories I wrote
Chapter 1

There was a van.
(That's that whole story so far, it's my most promising yet)
10:20
Took 3 tabs of LSD. I'm hoping they're not duds.


The type of people that shoot up schools were usually taught (by themselves) that violence is not just acceptable, but exemplary of a good and fulfilled life.

>>10190710
>There was a van.
>(That's that whole story so far, it's my most promising yet)
I like this one best, very meta

The hot young blonde milf in starbucks thought noone saw her pick that gnarly wedgie, as she leaned over the counter, her braless bulbous buxom bosom blossoming burstingly beyond her pink floraled sun dress as she, like a cougar stalking its prey, looked for some reason the John Doe was taken so long to provide her with the means to nourish her prideful cubs, but someone saw...someone alwa...someone doesn't always see, but this time, someone was fortunate to see, and it is not always fortunate when someone sees something.

>>10189516
Cringe.

>>10190731
>buzzword
Non-ivy leaguer detected.

The popular 2000's recording artist known as Xbizit had just informed me in a cluster of colorful ebonics that he was going to enhance my vehicle through an assortment of modifications and personal touches when I remembered that in the trunk of the car he and his friends had just driven off with was still my dear Esmeralda, duct taped and trussed with chickenwire.

>>10190731
fuck off to /MLP/ dusty meekass incel

The bartender watched the horse from his solitary pool of warmth.

>>10190737
>>10190746
Cringe x2

>>10190695
How about we go Authur Clark and Stanley Kubrick on it? You write the novel and I'll make the film.

"I bet you didn't think I could fit a horse cock like that up my hoo-ha did you...", she said smirking as she tipped her cap "cowboy", and so it was, a few hours later on that faithful, merry, gay day in June, they were married in sacred matrimony.

Destitute vice fermented, beckoning within bereft condition.

Two different versions:

They spent the first night in the new house in its bare lounge-room, Mum and Dad and Oliver, and treated themselves to a special dinner of hommus and corn chips and things like that.

They spent the first night at the new house in the lounge-room.

She desired the morning.

A crowded grocery store. A landfill, a sewage heap, a cemetery.

>>10190844
pomo shit

>>10190846

It's just a reconfiguration of "ashes to ashes." I dare you to say what's "pomo" about it.

The pack-beast's shaggy hump hit the ground before its knees.

>>10190802
and the mourning desired her, they were made for each other, like a pea in a pod, she wet the bed.

>>10190887
better

>>10189516

52 minutes remained.

The cars on fire, and theres no driver at the wheel.

I prayed, begged, wept, and whimpered, but still the turd would not come out.

>>10190971
nice

>>10190719
best in thread

>>10190302
triggered

Honest men follow the rules they write. Vanya smoked outside his own bar.

This thread makes me wonder how the shittiest writers on the internet think they're fit to discuss lit. You guys are deviantart fanfiction tier holy fuck lmao

It was after midnight when she returned.

>>10191014
Please make fun of specifics, that's where the entertainment of this thread lies

was gonna go through and list which ones i would read just based on the first sentence but at the end of the day i think i just agree with >>10189407

It was a rainy night along the Rhine when Callahan became unkillable.

>>10191124
Hilarious

>>10190605
Has a grammar mistake.

>>10190710
>The type of people that shoot up schools were usually taught (by themselves) that violence is not just acceptable, but exemplary of a good and fulfilled life.

Also has a grammar mistake. Somehow the sentence seems both annoyingly provocative and afraid of being illogical, like a rough thesis statement. "The type of people that shoot up schools were usually taught" seems like it's trying to build sympathy for school shooters, which is really intriguing, but by the end, the point just seems redundant. This becomes clear if you replace "were usually taught (by themselves)" with "think."

Breath reeking of the joint I'd just finished, I said to my dad "I'm gay".

a schoolbus in february.

>>10189406
what is this meme

The juke-box played a sad, old ballad to the room.

>>10191161
I don't believe you mean it when you call it a ballad.

>>10190978
I...what?

>>10191173
You find it upsetting to imagine picking at scabs? Huh.

Esteban dragged his sorrow through the graves towards Inés' final resting place, where he layed down a posy of pink carnations, an insufficient act of remorse for taking her life.

>>10191184
*don't

Penelope gave a sigh, shaking her silky, loose curls out of her face as she pushed the heavy door, then sucked in a breath at the cold air that rushed into her lungs.

>>10191163

You're right.

Ballad can colloquially mean a certain type of music in my language though. It's a careless translation on my part.

Mallory was a 18 year girl old year who was not the best looking.

My first job lit the fuse; burning until it blew up everything, my hunger, my body, my cheerleading career.

Stephen woke up that morning as he had began every morning, seemingly, for years now- dreading the task of hauling his increasingly, enormously obese body from the comfort of his bed, yet reflexively excited, to the point of euphoria, by the prospect of a day filled with food.

>>10191188
laid*

>>10191195
>a
>not an

>>10189735
The lack of flow strong be withing you young one, yes, yes....
Pic related is you.

n a fit of indecision which granted him no other option, Tito McPherson crossed the threshold into Brandford’s Bean Café for a breather

It was a chilly November night in Memphis but the "Succulent Sow" had never been hotter!

Why the fuck is my right eye oozing froffy blood like a thirteen year old girl on her period for the first time?

The Olsen ‘family’ Dairy farm had begun as a smallholding some two hundred years in the distant past, as time ground on most of the other local farms sold up to big farming companies or vanished into housing development but the Olsen farm struggled on defiantly growing ever more behind its competitors but prized locally for the quality of its produce.

I’m rewriting the opening right now but this is my old one
>The moment was a haze that stretched out like hell fire as screeching rubber burned against asphalt.

>>10191124
I actually like this one
>>10190992
Sounds like Kiazers Orchestra lyrics
>>10190971
big ex dee, well done

"'ere you are - the miss's afternoon snack," the chatty young chef quipped, plopping a rather large tray of pastries onto the countertop. "Though I would 'ardly call it zat."

>>10191213
Explain your reasoning

>>10189212
The thunderous voince rang clear as it echoed on the walls of the lord's house of prayer.
"And no wonder you people need saving, similar to the wagon whose wheels have broken down in the meandering mountain path, you christcucks resort to the modern version of smoke signals to call for help, than in the current year take the form of your moral grandstanding, condemning those who desire, those who with hard work temper their character to see their wills manifest before their eyes, going so far as to call this worthy quest nothing but “gut urges”.

"I find it funny in a very sublime way, so much so that I can’t help but to chuckle at it. And is to these very same people who are convinced of their divine purpose, more compelled that any other to prove their virtues that I say, than even after creating the aggregated sum of all the kindness they have bestowed onto strangers by following the gospel of their holy book, they still fall short and simply cannot compare to the absolute bliss I’m able to provide to a girl in a night of frivolous pursuit. With a single swift thrust of my hips, their entire lives up to that point validated; my meat rod falls upon them, striking their soft flesh like the whip of the very same Martin Luther during his daily session of self-flagellation, and much like the pain freed him from the guilt of his past sins, the pleasure of my instrument quickly wipes away their feelings of shame and self-loathing"

>>10191262
tldr

>>10191262
>>10191264
dette

Why the fuck is my right eye oozing froffy blood like a thirteen year old girl on her period for the first time?

>>10189257
Grammatically speaking, "despite the cemetery being here" should be "despite the cemetery having been here".
>>10189261
He didn't use passive voice. I'll also echo >>10189521 and agree that there's nothing wrong with passive voice. It's all in how it is used by you.

>>10189212
“I think I’m gonna puke,” he moaned, draped over the bronze railing.

"You see the thing is this" the brute heralded from across the squared circle.

>>10189665
It was raining heavily when Anons motorcycle pulled into the narrow alley behind Stacy's house. The bike's powerful engine roared, shattering the silence of early morning. Bringing his bike to a halt, Anon heard cursing and saw a window on the first floor light up. "Good, they're awake" he thought, smiling in anticipation. He stepped off his bike, then nonchalantly let it fall to the stone-paved surface of the alley. "Oops, sorry dad", he spoke aloud despite being alone, his voice dripping with sarcasm. Anon pulled his trench coat tightly around himself, rain still pouring down from the heavens, as if the angels knew what he was about to do, and were weeping.
Knowing it to be unlocked, Anon opened the gate, entered the backyard and strode to the door. Through the window he could see someone standing in the kitchen. The man had clearly only just woken up, his eyes were barely half-open, and he was wearing nothing but sweatpants. Anon knocked on the window. Startled, the man looked up, saw who was it was, then made two steps to the door and opened it. "What are you doing here?", he asked, clearly irritated. "Good morning to you too, Chad", Anon said with a wicked smile, as he stepped forward and unsheathed his Katana in a single fluid motion.

>>10191287

>>10191262
I know you. Dr. Hoffenmayher??!

>>10191239
>Sounds like Kiazers Orchestra lyrics
what does this mean

>>10191184
No, I pick at scabs all the time. Which is why I posted >>10190302 I was giving legit advice about pulling off a scab.

>>10189516
Actually quite nice.

>>10189665
clumsy af

>>10189888
If /lit/ ever commits to writing a book that is only 30-45% meme edgefaggotry as opposed to 80-95%, I could see this working. There is decent fiction to be made out of the pits of depravity that only /lit/izens know.

>>10190971
top kek

>>10191294
Not the anon you are looking for, I saw it posted yesterday, (on writting critique) and seemed meme enough to be worth a paste.

>>10190508
i like this

>>10191161
not too bad

>>10191014
I'd say only half the genuine posts are laughably bad

He approached the edge of his desk and leaned against it with his chin, surveying the room and everyone in it.

idk if this thread is still goin, but here:

When Dr. Perriwhicker had reached the ripe age of 157 he decided it was about time to kill himself.

>>10191406
less phrase regurgitation, more original combinations

>>10191411

okay I'll bite, what does this mean anon?

>>10189212
The dwarf sizes you up until his blue eyes spark in recognition "hello milord," hip servos tilt his leathery upper half forward precariously in an exaggerated bow, a mess of spark plug wires a-dangle under his chin.

>>10191424

>dwarf
instantly dropped, sorry anon, I dont do high fantasy, not bad though

>>10191421
>ripe age
>about time
>to kill himself
these are all phrases that have been used up and are boring. it's lazy to use them when there are so many other ways to say it. it's doubly lazy to use something like "ripe" when you probably don't actually have any specific intent behind it

>>10191391
how do you lean on a desk with your chin?? Is this your main character??

>>10189212
My name is Jacob Treuer and I'am guilty.

>>10191428
no u

It always rained on days like these

>>10191432
By pushing your chair back quite far and pressing down on the table with your chin. It is my main character, yes.

>>10190609
Jesus, a coworker of mine looks exactly like that warrior nerd.

>>10191438
ok but thats a major reason why your writing sucks. i bet you use other people's analogies, too.

>>10191445
*that's
fixed that for ya :^)
nah but in all seriousness I see what you're sayin, thanks

>>10190768
>>10190731
Cringe.

I'm going to kill myself if you don't read the rest of this book.

>>10191467
Good

>>10191474
Thanks I put a lot of work into that line.

A warm burgundy bubble fell from his lips, languidly smacking the floor in front of him, lighting his senses ablaze- waking him from his brief period of respite.

>>10191304
They often have songs about verious characters and it sounded like one of them. I don’t have the exact one remembered that your sentence reminded me of, but here’s a song for reference: http://kaizers.konzertjunkie.com/lyrics.php?lang=en&which=andre

>>10191434
Interested

>>10189212
In 3 years I had raped 9 women, and before long I would have my bakers dozen.

>>10189516
great. would definitely read more for context

>>10190004
One cannot be sure.

The cold had caused her nose to turn red. I looked to the train schedule and back to her nose. The train shook left to right, the woman a row over dropped her coffee; her son began to cry. I saw Nastasia looking at me from my peripheral, but I kept looking: schedule, window, baby -repeat.

This is a story about my life, twisted upside-down.

>>10189302
COMMA... SPLICE

>>10191611
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AVbQo3IOC_A

>>10189212
>Nastasia looking at me from my peripheral,

nastasia filippovna? pull up your pants anon your influences are showing

He stood quietly in the rain, watching the house.

>>10191628
it means rebirth so you can imagine it has significance to the story. The name is probably from Dostoyevsky but I do not remember or mind.

>>10189972
the rest of this story's sentences must be absolute no-wasted-words gold in order for this shit sentence to be the opening. it's a gamble. we must really really actually care about this "I" for some reason.

To his parents he pumped gas for a living, but to his coworkers he was the Fart-Man, numero uno in the flatulence fetish biz. He crushed cans of beans like beer and spread his cheeks wider than a smile on Christmas morning.

>>10191640
>the house
either elaborate now or just remove this so you don't have to repeat yourself when you expand on it in the following sentences.
so:
>He stood quietly in the rain, watching.
you have to explain anyways so you might as well make the reader think "what is he watching?" which is a far more interesting question than "what fucking house?"

>>10191695
ok I'll have to admit this is good

>>10191143
>Also has a grammar mistake. Somehow the sentence seems both annoyingly provocative and afraid of being illogical,
I tried to imply that they're fundamentally still people, it's just they think killing people is acceptable behavior.
>like a rough thesis statement.
Tbh honest, it was the thesis to an essay I wrote in one night in highschool. Idk how it got into my writing folder but I posted it anyways.

> "The type of people that shoot up schools were usually taught" seems like it's trying to build sympathy for school shooters, which is really intriguing, but by the end, the point just seems redundant. This becomes clear if you replace "were usually taught (by themselves)" with "think."
I said usually because there's also those who are externally influenced. (Terrorists taught by religious propaganda, serial killers taught by BDSM porn)
There don't typically shoot up schools, but they're the same class of people.

>>10191695
What about the epic 11-part SF story he also writes in his spare time

I was 18 and met a 35 year old guy who was fairly attractive and we went to dinner, went to hotel and made out and had sex, he wanted me to fart on his face and smother him, was pretty weird but I went along with it. looking back I probably shouldn't have done it. i'm 21 now, still gay as hell.

Did-a-chick? Dum-a-chum? Watch out, Roland! Here I come!

>>10190790
Applejack?

>>10191406

>>10191889
kinda reminds me of david sedaris in a good way

cant breathe reading these posts, fucking howling to the point of spluttering

Have you ever heard of the story of a ray of sun and the forest fairy?

Once up on a time there was a spastic mongoloid cunt by the name of Jeremy. tHE END

>>10189212

Adossé au bar, l'homme vendait ses intérêts à la sauvette avec la prétention que ceux-ci étaient des idéaux.

>>10189212
Chalk etched on the dark green board in rapid hollow clunks and soft scrapes. White lines in a dusty hand forming words as a monotonous and tired voice recited things that had been told many times before to many different classes of many different students.

I post the TWO first sentences, because I'm a rebel, and I doesn't afraid of anything. I also think they're two genuinely good sentences, and yeah, I'm fully aware that chalkboards aren't really used anymore, it's been all about whiteboards for over a decade, either that or those interactive projectors.

Why not?

The man appeared as before, slouched and gaunt upon the ridge, bearing the horizon on a damp gray coat.

I'd always hated those unsophisticated American fuckers that got morbidly obese off McDonalds and said "Paris, France", so when one lay in front of me, her blood slowly enveloping the carpet, I felt like I'd done the world a favour.

>>10192144
I like it, post moar

>>10189212
My book opens cold so you would learn nothing from: "The mood of the room shifted little as she rose to speak, no papers held."

>>10192250
Slanted against the wind, he watched the rain cut into the dirt and send rills of mud snaking down the rocks toward the barren fields whose beds lay in rough heaps.

>>10189516
Not bad, not good. Judging first line alone is pretty gay, I was hoping for anons to break the rule. Says something that I respond to yours to make the point, though.

>>10189685
>frogposter reading comprehension

>>10190207
>ham-handed similes in a desperate attempt to set the scene
cringe

>>10190604
faggot

This bitch keeps ringing in my ear, talking about the president this, the president that, or some pig slop recipe she found to gorge herself, you know.

The end.

>>10191622
it's a dylan quote dummy
he's making a joke
dummy

Christ gazes as Apollo from His vantage point, pride of place in the spiral, as the wolf amongst the lambs strides, as the lone survivor of the surreal massacre cowers below.

Sandy lay still in bed, pretending to be asleep. Outside her father's heavy footsteps were making their way down the hall. When he came home drunk, he could never remember to take off his boots. Mama would forbearingly sweep up the dirt first thing in the morning then start breakfast as her husband snored through the thin walls of the apartment. But now it was late and Sandy's father was up and stumbling down the hall. Under the sheets she clenched her hands into fists tight enough for her nails to cut into her sweaty palms. Blood slicked through her small trembling fingers and fell silently onto the pink fitted sheet. The door to her room opened.

>Yeah, yeah I'm a faggot who can't follow the rules. Give me critique anyways.

>>10190215
should I become a writer?

>>10190207
this is good, i am a good writer and whatever anon shit on it is wrong, listen to me. a neat simile. remember, though, metaphors > similes so always try and use more metaphors

>>10192686
no

Jamey was dead tired. He was talking to his mother when something inside him snapped. It might as well have been a bone.

He brooded about that relationship the same way he ruminated over the Third Reich. The questions were the same: Was it good? (it was obviously brilliant.) What was it? Could it ever, possibly, ever have ended any other way than it did?

>>10192698
Plz?

Culture is worthless so stop reading my book.

>>10189344
should an opening sentence be so winding?

The world did not so much as raise an eyebrow when it was uncovered that the sound of the "Big Bang" resembled more of a dial-up.

>>10192792
you will never be douglas adams

>>10192740
Given the setting I thought it would be appropriate to make the entire opening a bit winding. Similar to how our speech is slurred when we're drunk and things can sometimes slow down.

>>10192820
Ill take that as a compliment

>>10192843
You shouldn't. Despite /lit/ memes Doug A was a good writer

"In the morning hours of the Ash Friday, also known as Day for the Conscripts, were noticed the first armored cars since the start of winter."

Be as harsh as you like.

>>10192707
Reads very jokish but minus a punch line.

>>10192896
I like the idea and the ordering of it but it's a bit ungainly. How's this:
>In the morning hours of Ash Friday, also known as Conscript's Day, were noticed the first armored cars since the start of winter.

>>10192915
Yeah, it is definitely better. Thank you.

The average weight of the Indian Elephant is 3500 kilograms, 7716 pounds or 551 stones.

Eliza’s eyes opened slowly.
They blazed green in the summer sun pouring through her window.
Thursday June 22nd 2017, Day 4213
Two weeks to go.

>>10192959
I might even suggest cutting
> also known as
from it too.
Possible substitute "noticed" for "seen" or "heard".

>>10189261
Don't tell me what to don't

>>10190965
Rock on dude

>>10192964
too fucking gay

>>10192854
I took it as it'll be my own voice, thank you anon

>>10189212
Normally, he and the rest of the herd slept until early evening, but he could sense something was amiss.

>>10189407
ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE

>>10193012
Thanks, I consider myself a pretty happy guy.

>>10192966
True. I'm aiming to get better in the short but expressive writing style. Not too short, of course.

>>10193054
Some words function as written "um"s and "ah"s which you'll find you can cut without losing any meaning. I really do like the essence of the line you have though, it puts me in mind of
>Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.

>>10193060
It is always interesting to hear how other people interpet a sentance or a paragraph. In a lot of cases they point out things the writer didn't even consider.
My idea is to introduce the reader to the concept of a morbid holiday and a victorious, but strenuous return of the made up country's forces.

>>10191889
I would restructure this. The first sentence runs on too long. You could easily turn the first sentence into three separate sentences. Also, "went to hotel" doesn't sound right.

>>10193054
In the morning hours of Ash Friday, also known as Day for the Conscripts, the first armored cars were noticed since the start of winter.

>>10192896
In the morning hours of Ash Friday, also known as Day for the Conscripts, the first armored cars were noticed since the start of winter.

Save for my black hair and casual apparel, I look kind of like Jesus Christ right now as I lie, crucified on a hard metal school desk.

>>10191391
>>10191432
I'm laughing pretty hard right now

>>10191291
Genius

>>10189212

The first light of day crept through the dusty curtains of Barley House, rousing its occupants one by one from their slumber.

>>10193628
You write fancy, boy... But you got no tone.

>>10189212
He always told himself that he joined to get out of Seattle, to get out from under the looming grey overcast skies, the underwhelming pseudo conversations with forgettable friends.

>>10193685
i need to get out from the looming overcast of this forgettable sentence

The customer gave the clerk her very best sales pitch.

>>10189516
>>10190025
>>10190227
>>10190576
>>10190802
>>10191014
>>10192792
Best ITT

>>10193759
>make up like a dozen different posts
>only my absolute shittiest one gets any attention
wherefore

It's always the midget prostitutes that sell themselves short

>>10189516
cringe

>>10192689
holy...

>>10192976
Then I'll tell you what to do instead. Do never use passive voice, please. (Actually I think passive voice has its uses sometimes)

A divinely powerful gust of wind and sleet bombarded what was left of a dead tree's trunk, a sturdy one that had survived the test of time under unforgiving circumstances.

>>10189212
Gas the kikes race war now

>>10190227
Tumblresque

>>10191201
Too fatphobic desu

>>10193836
KEK

>>10193836

I feel like I'm getting dumber, and every attempt I make at stopping the process ends up a tremendous failure, let alone reversing it.

>>10195791
>let alone reversing it
Doesn't quite fit here. I reckon it would just be better as
>every attempt I make at stopping or reversing the process
You big dumb dumb.