/lit/ - Literature

>>10067051
>using a semicolon

stopped right there. get good.

>>10067059
>>using a semicolon
oh darn i didnt realize this is bad

>>10067051
I enjoyed your writing, I figure you've brought some inspiration from DOOM? (The Crucible)

Is this a poem? Can see it as descriptive text in an Inspection action of a adventure/RPG game, but doesn't really say anything.

>>10067051

Could you use simplerer words instead?

>>10067051
why would the hum of a ventilation system be punctuated by an anthropomorphic voice? and you dont have to specify it's an anthropomorphic voice, the enxt lines are in a human language, English.

This just screams like you're trying to impress instead of tell a cool or engaging scene.

>>10067051
Feels way too try-hard.

>>10067219
thanks anon, i actually haven't played doom before. there's a similar machine in it?

>>10067243
>Is this a poem?
yeah that's kinda what i intended it as. but it obviously doesn't have a regular meter or anything so i'd use "poem" loosely

>>10067271
>Could you use simplerer words instead?
i considered it, but i thought using more scientific terms would help give it a technologically complex feel. i can try using smaller words but i feel like it would lose some of its effect

>>10067303
>why would the hum of a ventilation system be punctuated by an anthropomorphic voice
it was just intended to describe the interplay of sounds within the room

>and you dont have to specify it's an anthropomorphic voice, the enxt lines are in a human language
yeah i guess that's true. i was basically trying to say that it's a human-like voice but not a human voice. there's probably a better way to convey that though.

i appreciate the feedback and hope this doesn't come off as too defensive

Hobo? More like Ho-Go!

>>10067406
what did he mean by this?

>>10067406

>>10067406
wrong thread mate

>>10067072
Semicolons are perfectly fine as long as they're used correctly. English doesn't use them as much as other languages and will more often than not just choose to split the sentence in two, but they're not inherently bad. Don't pay attention to anons who read an how-to book and now thinks there are some universal rules to writing.
>lol, author A is a terrible author, he uses adverbs
>lol, author B is a hack, she shows instead of telling
>lol, author C used passive voice in a sentence on page 232 and that book still won a prize?

>>10067415
its for the other thread about a white hobo that runs as fast as a boxcar? I think? I'm very confused

>>10067438
It was used correctly though wasn't it?

>>10067654
Grammatically, yes, but I think
>>10067059 was trying to say mediocre prose is rife with semicolons because they make the writer sound smart.

>>10067051
>prose
>it's actually pseudo-poetry

>>10067051
Ur a poet n u didnt even kno it haha!

>>10067400
>i considered it, but i thought using more scientific terms would help give it a technologically complex feel. i can try using smaller words but i feel like it would lose some of its effect

I agree that you need to use smaller words. Is it important that the tank is described as both cylindrical and plexiglass? Or that the voice is anthropomorphic? There just seems to be a lot of long adverbs breaking up the flow of the sentences.

>>10067051
It's shit. Neck yourself.

>>10067400
No, just take the advise with a grain of salt and mull over it. Try to make whatever you think your style is and what you're trying to convey and fix it up with what we're telling you, we might not be top tier critics, but we know what doesnt work.

>>10067051
I'm stealing your prose anon.

It's a little stiff but enjoyable.

>And the mass of flesh suspended in its nucleus.

This is silly though.

op here. thanks for all the thoughtful feedback guys. after considering it, i decided to cut the word "plexiglass" and replace "anthropomorphic" with "humanoid" to cut some unnecessary syllables.

i think i like the way it sounds better now.

>>10068367
>>10068486
you're right i think poetry would have been a more accurate term, but i'm always cautious about using it when it doesn't follow the rules of poetry.

>>10068681
thanks

>>10068884
>I'm stealing your prose anon.
darn. i'll take the compliment though. thanks anon

>>10068650
There are literally no adverbs in Op's post

>>10069931
That's why I said pseudo-poetry. But if you're not going to follow the rules or go for meter and rhyme, there's no point in cutting syllables

>>10070210
>there's no point in cutting syllables
i just did because most of the people itt have been saying that it's too cluttered with big words

>>10070259
If they convey your desired meaning better, it doesn't matter. Anthropomorphised tells you more about the ai voice and specifically how it was designed to sound then humanoid. Big words are only a problem for metre and in purple prose

>>10067072
Nah, semicolons are scifi

>>10070289
interesting. so you prefer "anthropomorphic" over "humanoid?"

Would make for good early Gorguts lyrics

>>10071307
based anon. thank you. as someone who loves metal and is primarily trying to into writing for the purpose of making lyrics this makes me happy

Sounds like a third rate imitation of Nick Land.

>>10072121
never heard of him before. anything you would recommend?

>>10067051

>"Decanting the Antichrist Red pulsations lit The Crucible;

What now?

>A vessel of amniotic fluid.
Tubes fed the cylindrical plexiglass tank,
And the mass of flesh suspended in its nucleus.

I like everything here except the use of "nucleus" it just sounds like you're throwing in scientific sounding words just because.

>The hum of ventilation systems, punctuated by an anthropomorphic voice:
"Subject has reached critical mass."
"Subject has reached critical mass."

Critical mass? Is this term not used in physics? This sounds like a biological breeding tank, not physics.


>Light.Constructed neural chains fired sparks.
Transmissions jolted through the consecrated architecture of winding axons.

Tone it down.

>The air-sealed chamber materialized around a union of flesh and electricity."

You are making this about the air-sealed chamber , and not the "union of flesh and electricity" inside, even though surely you want the reader to believe the thing inside the tank is more interesting than the tank is?

>>10072145
>Decanting the Antichrist
this is actually just the title that i gave the piece. not necessarily part of it.

>except the use of "nucleus" it just sounds like you're throwing in scientific sounding words just because.
that's the second time i've heard that so far. i'll definitely consider using a more normal word

>Critical mass? Is this term not used in physics?
yeah but essentially it just means big enough for something.

>Tone it down.
that's actually the part where i wanted to make the experiment sound fantastical and divine. the idea is that it's a clone whose brain has been constructed and arranged cell-by-cell to allow for optimal structure, creating a transhuman super-genius.

>You are making this about the air-sealed chamber , and not the "union of flesh and electricity" inside, even though surely you want the reader to believe the thing inside the tank is more interesting than the tank is?
damn that's a great point. i wanted to create a sense of wonder and ambiguity regarding the subject, but in doing so i kind of disregarded the subject. i'll have to reflect on this.

thanks a lot for the in-depth feedback. i'll take all of this into consideration