/lit/ - Literature

For the past three years, maybe more, my main hobby has been to sit around in public (previously in a car but now in busy places London), drink coffee, eat junk food and fast food, browse 4chan on my phone, and feel sad about life. I usually ended up driving around the same areas and now going through the same London underground routes and stations.

Through these times I was in a degree and then retail jobs and now a full time job I all hate and got no fulfillment from. The degree because I had zero interest in the subject and realised that going to a non elite university is automatic failure. Apart from exercising, which I have done for years and continue out of inertia, and reading some books, I could never bring myself to have any hobbies other than browsing the internet or going outside, feeling sad, and browsing the internet on my phone. To start anything constructive in my free time feels like being stranded in the middle of the ocean and deciding to swim in a random direction. I have had huge amounts of free time in the past and now but have barely made use of it.

A huge reason for my laziness and bitterness are the things listed below.

>aged 26
>no friends or social life since 18
>no female attention ever
>went through university with zero social experiences
>became the loner nobody talks to within two days of my current job
>never been to pub, club, or party
>missed out on all the 16 - 22 formative social experiences that people look back on fondly (teen crushes, school prom, school dances, university fresher's week, any sort of relationships at all)
>know that women all have 5000 tinder matches and think the average male is ugly; seeing attractive women everywhere is demoralising
>feel completely bitter and detached from others due to being an ugly subhuman; lifting weights did nothing

Going outside is demoralising but so is staying inside, which I can't bear. It's humiliating knowing that if I work hard there are still teenagers everywhere getting rich off bitcoin or other schemes with 1 % of the effort. Or that the huge mass of normies simply glides through institutions where the only judgement comes from normies judging their normieness.

Societal propaganda affects me no matter how detached and bitter I become. Every single hobby or source of fun is turned in to a form of work and a hierarchy. Having fun reading books? No, read these boring books or you're dumb. Want to learn programming or maths? No, learn through these sources or you're dumb. The biggest benefit I could get is not a better brain that comprehends more, but a brain capable of ignoring things.

Of course as a male social failure I have noticed society's utter disgust with people like me. If I was to say any of this stuff in person (even online), I would quickly hear the Randian just-world replies from even the most politically left wing people. "Every social benefit I have was gained through bone crushing hard work."