/lit/ - Literature

Deranged person here. My sexuality has become warped after a lifetime spent completely alone. I've done tons of degenerate pervert shit in an effort to find more pleasurable ways to coom. I think what's happened is that my isolation (in terms of intimacy, romance, and actual connection to other human beings) coupled with my rampant masturbation has made me see sexuality as something that only ever involves me, causing all my sexual urges to essentially become a form of solipsism or self-worship. As an example, I recently started wearing women's clothes while jerking off, not because I think I'm actually a woman or because I want to "pass" as feminine in front of other people, but because the notion of "me" engaging in something I've mentally marked as "very degenerate" such as crossdressing represents a previously-unexplored avenue down which I can channel my urges, with other people never entering into it.
I hope one day I either exhaust all such avenues and turn away from this behavior or snap out of it somehow. It's clearly unhealthy, unhinged even, but I am either captive to my own urges, have nearly no willpower to resist them, or simply have become an immoral person without consideration for morals.

There's this way of thinking, done as an expression of humility, where you see yourself as the chief of sinners and hold all you meet to be of greater esteem than yourself. Most who act this way in this age likely aren't objectively worse people than those they encounter - they may have been angry with someone, or fallen short in some way, but nothing grave.
I see myself in the same way, but it's because I really am a worse person than almost everyone I meet. I've done horrible things. If others knew a tenth of what I've done they would refuse to speak with me. If they knew all of it I might be lynched, or at least driven from my home.
It's very strange. I act normally around people, I go to work, I engage in my hobbies, but I am objectively a disgusting subhuman. I go to the store, pick up eggs, chat witulh the cashier. It's laughable.
It's been years since what happened, and those I hurt haven't forgiven me, but they have come to terms with it, more or less. We avoid each other except when absolutely necessary, but act cordial enough when meeting. It feels so bizarre to meet them in person after all that I did, like it was all a movie we were filming and we've stepped off the set for a smoke.
I feel most out of place in churches and when praying. I wonder if my hands shouldn't shake when I make the sign of the cross, or if I should be allowed to utter holy words through my dirty lips. I stopped going to liturgy a few years ago because the guilt weighed at me so much that I felt like I was tracking some filth into the building and soiling someplace clean.
Sometimes I can go a few weeks or months without remembering and I'll start to believe I really am a normal person who's on his way to living his life. It never lasts. It comes back to me eventually. I'll dream about climbing a long, cramped staircase down and down towards a cold darkness, or see myself arrayed at my own judgement and not be able to look the great Judge in the eye.
I'm barely living my own life. Ever since that time, something broke in me. Someone who does these things can't be worthy of happiness or love or honors. It's ridiculous. It would spit in the face of those who suffered because of me. What am I gonna do, laugh and smile and have a good time like nothing happened?
I tried killing myself twice but I stopped myself both times. The second one was an attempted hanging. When I put my neck through my belt and let myself swing, I saw stars in the corners of my eyes. They were some of the prettiest stars I'd ever seen.
I don't know where I'll go after this. If I could spend up my life on something valuable I think I'd like that. If I get turned away at the great gates at least I'll know I'm going someplace where I'll never hurt someone else again. That would be enough for me, I think.
Anyway, the stories and information posted here are creative works of fiction and all that. Thanks for reading my blog.

ITT: write literally ANYTHING