/lit/ - Literature

If ever I have drunk a full draught of the foaming spice- and confection- bowl in which all things are well mixed:

If ever my hand hath mingled the furthest with the nearest, fire with spirit, joy with sorrow, and the harshest with the kindest:

If I myself am a grain of the saving salt which maketh everything in the confection-bowl mix well:—

—For there is a salt which uniteth good with evil; and even the evilest is worthy, as spicing and as final over-foaming:—

Oh, how could I not be ardent for Eternity, and for the marriage-ring of rings—the ring of the return?

Never yet have I found the woman by whom I should like to have children, unless it be this woman whom I love: for I love thee, O Eternity!

FOR I LOVE THEE, O ETERNITY!

I'm incredibly insensitive to others despite being a sensitive person. My communication towards women is accommodating, and sometimes I like the idea of dating the sweet innocent type but I've done that twice and I didn't love the person at all. I don't "risk" any of myself, I grew up with abusive father submissive mother, I'm secretive, and I feel like a slave that needs a master, and by joining that to sexuality it's not hard to imagine why I'm into femdom. I see a girl that's pretty and something pent-up pushes my insides a little, even for girls that have bad personalities--superficiality, conceit, timidity--it's stupid, I hate how desperate a part of me seems and how picky the other is, the latter refuses to dare talking to women and because I haven't the practice it's an uphill battle.

On top of that, I can only really focus on one thing at a time. If I start gaming with my HS buds, league pokemon private servers etc. my school focus dips immensely. If I dedicate myself to reading and studying, my desire to game, go out, exercise, etc. plummets. If I go onto fetlife and start talking to hedonists you can imagine how the trend intensifies. Somehow I practice piano casually while studying, but not if I'm in the mood to fuck around. These last around a week or so until I forget the driving motivation for why I did any of it. Remembering is a forgotten concept in humanities and then I fall away until something rekindles my desire to fulfill my needs, i.e. studying->knowledge->freedom etc. etc. iirc