/lit/ - Literature

No, but I do drink Great Gatsbeer.

>>1956533
Why did you delete your post?
I don't see why considering the content of my post.

I'm writing a short story for creative writing, /lit/
Help me out why don't you? Is the narration style too unnatural for first person reflecting on a past event? This is the first page. THANKS?

The rays of August approaching its finish bombarded two pairs of nude breasts that stared back up into the endless blue sky. The owners of the breasts were friends of Warren’s, I deduced—the visitors from Holland he had mentioned.
Stretched out on two parallel chaises on the balcony of his apartment, the women were golden statues, unaware of the heroism of their figures, the jutting contours of their hips and shoulders. Beneath huge, matching pairs of sunglasses and matching bikini bottoms, each glistened—white, solar refractions delineating the curving ridges of their skeletons. The light on their sleek flesh reminded me of the light that writhes in confused entropy on the surface of a swimming pool; only, it would have to be a swimming pool frozen, just for a moment in time, in the seducing stasis of a photograph. In the past, I had prided myself on my ability to endure seduction, abhor it. But here, I stood hypnotized, confounded, ogling the two figures on the balcony.