/lit/ - Literature

Reposting, I didn't get much advice last thread. Once again, take my advice with a grain of salt:

>>17750622
The line 'in softness of a teddy bear' doesn't seem to fit well in either of the places you've used it. Compared to:

>With streaks of mottled brownish hair

It feels to short, and compared to:

>Please give my doll your care.

It feels too long.

Apart from that and the bit about 'broken-hearted sighs' (why would you write a line like that for your girlfriend? Maybe I'm missing something) I like the poem.


>>17750468
I agree with the anon who says the flow is a little strange. IMO, you seem to understand good flow, but you've used your alliterations is weird ways that hinder what you do with the rest of the poem; it's almost always an alliterative line that ruins your flow.

>>17750762
Every line here feels longer than the last. If you cut a syllable from every other line, i.e.:

>Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
>Enwrought with gold and silver light,

Or:

>I would spread the cloths under your feet:
>But I, being poor, have only dreams;

It would probably improve things a lot. BTW, the 'being poor' clause also fucks with the flow, but that may just be the way I'm reading it.

>>17740180
Beginner here. Feedback is appreciated. If you see any obvious flaws, please tell me where I can read up on more of the mechanics of poetry.

Beginner here. Feedback is appreciated. If you see any obvious flaws, please tell me where I can read up on more of the mechanics of poetry.

Take my feedback with a grain of salt:

>>17732449
Up until:
>So that my Lucia seemed to me
Every odd-numbered line is good, every even numbered line feels out of place. It's uncanny; was this intended?

I like the second half, I'd drop the brackets if I were you. Also:
>So that she could not freely stir
>Those parts which maids keep unespied,
And a few other lines feel like you're trying to force a rhyme out of the poem. Maybe that's why the good and bad lines alternate, but I don't know.

>>17733021
I like this excerpt, although I'm pretty sure you're just memeing ITT. There's a nice rhythm to it.

>>17732584
The first and third stanzas are pretty good (though short, in my opinion), the second one is too wordy IMO. The question marks seem out of place, given the position and overall length of the poem, but that might just be me.

Anons, I wrote a short poem. It's my first time writing a poem. I've revised this to the best of my abilities but I can't see any more flaws right now. Can someone please review pic related for me?