/lit/ - Literature

I had this published recently. But I still would like feedback and general thoughts

>>10657029
Good pyrrhic or phirac feet is present, even if unintentional (most likely, it is)

Might I recommend using polysyndeton in your final stanza? Using "and" would emphasis this

>>10657113
A bit rough. Some pleonasms that would better be discarded. Lots of these words are very anti-poetic, and I would usually advise to avoid so many in one line.

Disagree or agree.

>>10657296
>>10657424
French is 6/10:
Tes sentiments se déchaînent et tu es seul dans le noir
Ta raison s'effondre et tu es seul dans le noir
Tu ne sais plus en quoi croire et tu es seul dans le noir
Tous les dieux se sont tus et tu es seul dans le noir

I enjoyed this.

>>10657305
>get broken
Delete.
>passeging
Delete. Actually, the entire line 5 should be deleted. I know this goes against your synthesis of lost-and-found but that's my advice.

Overall I appreciate the rhythm. It's an easy poem to tongue and recall.

>>10657373
Caught my interest in first two lines as I thought it would be a short lyric but you lost me with line 3 being so cliche.

I won't go much further as you said you've just made it up on the spot, though.

>>10657387
Some decorum, some not-so-decorum. Ending was well wrapped.

>>10657389
Probably my least favorite in the thread so far. I don't like what you're doing here. This is neither witty nor fun for anyone. You're flailing around entry level occult/mythological references in loose form of poesy.
This is something a game developer wrote unto a dungeon wall for some riddle.

>>10657497
I prefer traditional form, but this is a bit of a mess. That said there are a few great lines, some inbetween, and some rubbish.

GREAT:
>What origin of that hue fits
>Composed of paints which from her start

OKAY:
>From whence the blue of her eyes came?
>The highest grade is those rich stones

RUBBISH:
Almost everything else in that they are lazy lines made too unimportant as a result of the very few good qualities of the poem.

>>10657580
I agree with >>10657584
Come up with a title so I know some more. Or tell me something else.

>>10657691
First two lines are hardly compatible.
>Your love is wind. . . your love is a treasure. .
Stick to one.
>every night, begins with a day ends
Delete.

Last stanza needs too much work. Keep at it.