/lit/ - Literature

I don't feel like I'm a real part of this world, just a trespassing guest in it. My thoughts are gone and what few are left are simplistic and repetitive observations. I feel completely divorced from my body and my soul and nothing feels real. A few months ago I fucked up my hair on purpose and wound up getting most of it shaved off just to see if it would jog something and make me seem like not a stranger or at least startle me in the mirror but I just didn't care. And it's not even a cool kind of don't care because I'm still a very neurotic, skittish, and self-conscious person.

I haven't had any social contact in years since dropping out of college and it feels like people and I are on a different wavelength now and just don't jive. I'll make a joke and my mom will pretend she doesn't hear, or I'll compliment someone and they won't reply. And it's like this with everyone. For lack of a better word, no one is receptive to me. I think I'm a normal guy. Stupid, but easygoing. I don't have autism or anything like that. I feel strong empathy and even feel like I'm other people more than I'm actually myself. The characters I write feel more alive than I do. I don't get sad or angry about anything or else I'd feel that way all the time. I don't have a personality and it feels like I'm performing, involuntarily shuffling through different archetypes depending on the context. NOT in some sociopathic way but like I'm reluctantly being forced to, like other people's personalities overpower my own. I'm insanely retarded in a way I can't put into words. Very stupid and always make a fool of myself in such a ridiculous way that it seems predetermined. When I talk to people it feels like I'm staring at a dialogue wheel in an RPG where every single choice is retarded and wrong. My mind is blank during conversations and I don't really know how to reply to things. I used to be a charismatic guy but now I'm not.

Basically I just feel like a dead-inside and ugly loser who isn't meant to be alive. The only time I truly think and feel emotions and feel actually alive is when I'm high - it's like there's a part of me missing that temporarily gets put back into place then. All other times, I'm a husk. And I've felt this way since I was a kid, long before touching drugs. I've also been sober now for four years. I don't sleep well and when I do I don't dream. I've never had a real friend and the one relationship I've had felt similarly numb and off. I can't remember the last time I've felt any kind of hope or happiness. Something feels missing and wrong.

What's wrong with me? As crazy as I'm sure it sounds, it feels like I'm lost between dimensions. Thank you if you read this.

Finished my first fictional essay, unsurprisingly it has 1 character. Unsurprisingly its about suicide.

I don't feel like I'm a real part of this world, just a trespassing guest in it. My thoughts are gone and what few are left are simplistic and repetitive observations. I feel completely divorced from my body and my soul and nothing feels real. Yesterday I fucked up my hair on purpose and wound up getting most of it shaved off just to see if it would jog something and make me seem like not a stranger or at least startle me in the mirror but I just don't care. And it's not even a cool kind of don't care because I'm still a very neurotic, skittish, and self-conscious person.

I haven't had any social contact in years since dropping out of college and it feels like people and I are on a different wavelength now and just don't jive. I tried making small talk with the barber who was fixing my hair yesterday and it's like I was an alien from another planet.
>You really fucked this up.
>Yeah, I know. You watch a few YouTube videos and think you can do anything, huh?
>angry silence
>...I can see why you guys have to go to school for this stuff.
>more angry silence because I guess he taught himself even though I obviously said that to compliment and not offend him give me a fucking break man
And it's like this with everyone. For lack of a better word, no one is receptive to me. I think I'm a normal guy. Stupid, but easygoing. I don't have autism or anything like that. I feel strong empathy and even feel like I'm other people more than I'm actually myself. The characters I write feel more alive than I do. I don't get sad or angry about anything or else I'd feel that way all the time. I don't have a personality and it feels like I'm performing, involuntarily shuffling through different archetypes depending on the context. NOT in some sociopathic way but like I'm reluctantly being forced to. Like other people's personalities overpower my own. I'm insanely retarded in a way I can't put into words. Very stupid and always make a fool of myself. When I talk to people it feels like I'm staring at a dialogue wheel in an RPG where every single choice is retarded and wrong. My mind is blank during conversations and I don't really know how to reply to things. I used to be a charismatic guy but now I'm not.

Basically I just feel like a dead-inside and ugly loser who isn't meant to be alive. The only time I truly think and feel emotions and feel actually alive is when I'm high on something - it's like there's a part of me missing that temporarily gets put back into place then. All other times, I'm a husk. And I've felt this way since I was a kid, long before touching drugs. I've also been sober now for four years. I don't sleep well and when I do I don't dream. I've never had a real friend and the one relationship I've had felt similarly numb and off. I can't remember the last time I've felt any kind of hope or happiness. Something feels missing and wrong.

What is wrong with me? What do I read to figure this out?