/lit/ - Literature

I've been on a lot of speed and a alcohol over the past few years. I pulled so much speed that I reached my personal limit. Partying all night at techno parties and continued partying with people the next day (after-party), consuming speed and drinking beer until it was no longer possible, until I was alone and was no longer fully responsive. And then I jerked myself off for 8-9 hours to some nasty porn I could find, edging the whole time until I came. The feeling was indescribable, it was easy 15 times better than just jerking off sober. You feel like a beast, you don't think of anything else but porn, like in a megalomania. It's a supernaturally good feeling, like cheating.

The problem is, I think I got brain damage from it. I've been clean for 2 years but I still feel the effects. Somewhere in my brain I have something that pulls me down every day and causes dark circles under my eyes, an indescribable sadness that I just can't interpret. Maybe a neural defect or something. I notice it on my face too, it looks unhealthy, although I have a relatively healthy lifestyle compared to before. My face is somehow thinner, I rarely look in the mirror and see a normal, balanced face. As soon as I try to exercise, it starts to thin and look like shit again. It's a weakness that makes me angry and I'm fighting it more and more now and I'm going to get rid of this shit. I will definitely prevail. Something went wrong in my brain, but I'm still not giving up. I want to look healthy and good, I want to be happy and finally overcome this fucking weakness and surpass myself. I know that I'm stronger then this and I've been trough so much shit. I'm sick and fucking tired of this tired bullshit face in the mirror. That's not me. In 2 years I will turn 30.

I have never heard anyone talk about it, not on the internet and not in real life, wtf.