/lit/ - Literature

>>8361544

"The day was ripe to bleed. Sidewalks bulged thirsty along burning asphalt rivers. Mad shining metal beasts screamed and swerved down crumbling avenues. Rowhomes, red bricked walls and white pillared porches. Tenemental city blocks framed with industry's bones. Neighborhoods birthed uniform and practical until what the hopeful call humanity entered as children run distracted through screen doors. As a fountain is busted free from a fire hydrant. As a dandelion pierces concrete and raises its head into a pair of closing blades. In the front yards strewn with toys and the old men laughing over their barbeque and the easy conversation between a teenager with child and a wretched woman pushing a cart of scrap she collected that morning from the guts of fallen factories, where she had sat on a tire and smiled at the humid orange sunrise."

OP, it didn't really interest me at all honestly. Not horrible writing but not intriguing in any way.

> [apartment building]

This is an interesting device and I wish this excerpt involved it a bit more. Some would consider it gimmicky but if you can have that play into a story it wouldn't be bad.

Overall, what I'm getting from this is that you enjoy writing exposition, and that's fine, but you honestly need to be a much better writer to get by on exposition alone. For now I think you need a more compelling story and characters.

>>7235893
10/10

Okay, here's the first couple pages of the first draft of a story I wrote recently. If a few people can give me good critiques I'll return the favor. If you think it's shit and can tell me why that's fantastic.

>http://pastebin.com/yBEEBDVW