/lit/ - Literature

pic rel

>>15787585
ill just pick out the words/phrases that sound weird to me:
>first line, "fluted," the "the" in the second phrase
>second, "sucked" would sound better, "blind-unknowing" is good but needs a different arrangement
>third, kinda wish the line was shorter
>fifth, "only"
>sixth, "that," maybe make it "between the" instead. "smooth" too but that's nitpicky.
>tenth, can would be better as could, change the oyster diver thing to "the oyster and diver"

overall: good with some impractical word choices.

>>15790931
first stanza: last two lines are strange, not because of commas but b/c it comes off as non-sequitur
second: "rays" sounds like a verb, not sure if intentional, i don't mind it but others might. "what is a poison test" has a thin logical connection to the previous metaphorical content.
third: "half nutrition strawberries," i don't think it sounds good. it might fuck up your metaphors, but what about this.
>half-bad nutrition strawberries, left in a cooler to soak
the problem word is half. it wants more syllables.
last: it comes off as odd. not sure what burning skin has to do with it. if i had to guess it's something about looking up medical advice online? seriously idk. the last line needs a "what" at the beginning for sure.

overall: weird syntax, some strange metaphors. the thing about allusions/references is that they have to function both ways, can't just be subtextual meanings like finnegans wake or someth. i wouldn't feel too bad about about it though.