/lit/ - Literature

>>9923929
the hyphens connect to the following hyphen to allow you to create new sentences/lines
there is a typo:

>although I cannot he-
(the hyphen here should be a dash to allow nesting of that mechanic)

everything else is to serve that mechanic in becoming easier to spot

>>9924039
I like him, I think he gave up to easily on poetry though. Could've been something even better than he was if he had worked harder, earlier.

>>9925869
If the form doesn't work for you in that piece, then the content doesn't either. The form allows the content (although the technique is rough)

>Your work should be able to stand on its own without requiring an explanation on how to read it

here's a more straightforward piece (well, piece of a piece)

1/2 WIP
>>9797480
your last stanza tells everything the rest does much better. scrap everything before it and hone that last stanza

>>9792737
nix the first comma and let the line break convey both meanings and hold a smoother rhythm

>still aghast
the line is stronger without this
without it, that is your strongest line

>Asphodel flowers in hand
flowers is unnecessary

>As farthest lands home the sweetest sessions
a comma after home might help

the purply verse works as a sonnet, but the meat of the poem could be made into something leaner and fiercer (but it'll probably wind up in free verse.

Do not like the final couplet.

>>9798259
The issue here is that your poetry (despite rhymes) feels prosaic because of the relatively low workload you ask of your reader. Needs stronger rhetoric/more metaphor and less description (because ultimately a lot of description feels superfluous.

The psuedo-terza rima works out p well, but I'd look into to more regularized meter

>>9784636
Semantic satiation destroys the effect of prolonged repetition. cut down the 'afters' and retain the rhythm

otherwise, i think the piece in general is a bit too vague in an attempt to be grand.

>>9779079
your meter suffers immensely, and the grammar is tortured anyway. write more sonnets and this'll go away.
also, i'm having a hard time discerning your volta

>>9777524
3/10 of your lines are verbatim cliches, reading and writing more should help this

pic-related is a WIP 1/2

>>9748428
WIP
1/2