/lit/ - Literature

A few times in my past, women have shown me interest, sometimes in the form of giving me their phone numbers. I never reciprocated because I knew they would reject me once they realized all of my flaws, and I didn't want to put on a persona just to have a GF. I'm probably too ugly now, but if I weren't, and I had an opportunity to get a GF, I would probably do it for a deranged reason. I would put on my typical likeable persona until she's comfortable enough with me, and then, at no provocation, I would tie her up, tape her mouth shut, and blindfold her; The ropes to keep her from escaping, the tape to keep her from verbalizing, and very importantly the blindfold to prevent her from looking at me with the soul-destroying eyes of disapproval.

My design would be to lay on the bed next to her, hugging her tightly and telling her how much of a piece of shit I am, how I'm a monster that can't feel like a normal human, terrible, basically using her as a teddy bear and therapist. I would say every blasted, cursed thing I can imagine, and when the discomfort of the situation reaches a crescendo, or if she struggles to harshly, I would apologize, leave, and call the police on myself. "I tied my girlfriend up and falsely imprisoned her for a time," I would say, and when they arrive I would beg to be taken to jail immediately. This part would be essential— I wouldn't want to bear witness to her unbound and rejecting me. You see, as long as she is unable to protest, there is a sort of Schrödinger's rejection going on— as long as the rejection is not observed, then I can keep myself in the "falling apart" stay instead of the "destroyed" state. I would need to avoid ever going to court or in any way ever seeing her, so that I do not have to see the soul-destroying eyes or hear the sting of rejection.

After leaving jail (months or years) I would kill myself immediately, so that I do not ever hear about the rejection.

It seems like a deranged fantasy, but I would do it if given the opportunity. Isn't it weird that you share a board with the utterly deranged?