/lit/ - Literature

>>8607578
Sorry. Orange means I'm unhappy or weary of that segment.

>>8606702
>those sound effects
terrible anon
>hit by the source
kill it
>all this repetition "getting knock off, and himself getting knocked on the ground"
it hurts the flow
>this dialogue
you need to listen to more conversations
>capitalising dialogue
reads bad too

Overall, you need to go back and read the authors you really admire, and compare what you have written to theirs.

>>8607603
>that scene change
too sudden for me
>again that capitalised dialogue
it's your choice, but I think it sounds like something out of young adult fiction

Overall, you're better than the other guy, but I think you should be examining who and what you're reading closely. Keep writing.
>>8607637
This is almost baroque.