/lit/ - Literature

>>17691634
No one wants to read this

>>17691472
ESL?

>>17691468
The intro passage is a bit overwritten. Too many adjectives/adverbs. Scale your prose down. What does the thing in the tank look like? Use the description of the thing in the tank and the pace at which she approaches it to establish the dreaminess and surrealism and apprehension.

The shekel? What are you referring to?

>A sin called Avarice

Not a great introduction to whatever concept that's supposed to represent. At the very least, I wouldn't make this line its own paragraph. The forced dramatism is lame. Actually, the whole ending is overwrought and feels contrived / overly dramatic. I'd take another shot at the ending altogether and peel away much of the description in your intro. The middle dialogue is good enough.

Obviously, I'm the substack shill above if anyone wants to check my work. I'll be releasing more this weekend.